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Boyfriend displaying red flags

LegacyUser

Hello everyone, I would love to get your opinion on this.

I am in a new relationship (very early days), both of us are 30. The guy is truly amazing, side splitting funny, so handsome, very generous/thoughtful in bed, very interesting and just very much an independent individual. We got on very well and I feel very comfortable with him.

However, there are two big red flags. The first being, his job is a freelance/creative field so he goes through long periods of working but not for money. He would have very little money and I could never imagine him being approved for a mortgage. He has absolutely no job stability. I have quite a stable job, good pay, health insurance etc. I am not materialistic, I don't want fancy holidays or gifts, but what if we ever want to buy a home or start a family? I feel al the responsibility would fall on him to be the more structured person with a solid income.

Second red flag, he lives in a disgusting house. He lives with other men in a house that reminds me of college years, where 19 year olds would live. It's completely disgusting, the bathroom smells like a public bathroom. His room is tidy but the house is a mess and so dirty. It makes me find him way less attractive, even though his room is tidy and his housemates are lovely, it just is gross to see a stained toilet, hair everywhere...( you get the picture!)

Are these two things too big? He really has so many other positive characteristics but if we ever moved in together, I would hate to take on that Mammy role of pressuring someone to clean or being the one with the solid job.

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Batgurl

I don’t think think those two things are red flags but I do think you two aren’t suited.

You say you aren’t materialistic but wanting him to have a good job so you can have a home and a family IS materialistic. And that’s okay. Contrary to popular opinion, materialistic isn’t a dirty word. It’s okay to want nice things in life. To want drive. To want security. And to want it from your partner.

He seems happy coasting in his life right now. Maybe he’ll always be happy coasting through life. That’s also not a dirty word. Some people do it their whole lives and are happy.

Ultimately, if neither of you are willing to compromise on your current lifestyles or desires, then you are not compatible. You should feel comfortable having that conversation with him.

Xterminator

hi op

you met this new fella and he is

amazing, side splitting funny, so handsome, very generous/thoughtful in bed, very interesting and just very much an independent individual. We got on very well and I feel very comfortable with him.

so now you want him to change & knuckle down and become a career worker? Think about that for a minute. It does seem that some of the things yoy like about him, are the very things you want to change?

KiKi III

If his own room is tidy, I wouldn’t worry too much about that.

Ask him straight out if he ever wants to own his own home or get a steady job.

I know guys who did creative jobs through their 20s and “sold out” in their early 30s to get well paid corporate jobs and buy houses.

JJayoo

Break up he deserves better

fits

Talk to him about it. The dirty house is probably just a thing from living with a lot of lads who havent grown up yet. He might be different in another place. But I agree that its repulsive.

As regards the employment, talk to him about it? It really depends on his long term plans. I think having two folks in a relationship in reasonably stable employment is a great safety net and opens up a lot of possibilities. That said my husband didnt have a job for months when I met him and it all worked out great.

the_pen_turner

Neither of those are red flags.
The cleanliness of the house depends on his opinion of it. He lives with dirty feckers but his part is clean and tidy . Maybe he just gave up trying to get them clean or got sick of cleaning up after them

Gruffalux

My sons have lived in clean rooms in houses that otherwise make one think of typhoid. It was not their fault their housemates were filthy and lazy. Occasionally one son would do a blitz and clean the disgustiness in the communal spaces but within a week or so it would be as bad as ever so he gave up. Dont judge your lad on the general house. If his personal space is clean that is the space to understand his habits.

On the money you will have to decide. He sounds lovely. Will you be happy with that, a good person who you can get along with on all other fronts, even if he never amounts to much financially? I chose to go with the good guy who has never made money. It has had its hairy moments for sure, but what life doesn't. I would do it a hundred times again. Up to yourself.

radiotrickster

Freelancing isn’t a bad thing. He could have hopes to build it into something that resembles a full-time career or a higher wage and more regular income.

Or he could be doing it until he sees a full-time job advertised that he wants. After Covid, I’d expect to see more freelancers going for full-time jobs because of the stability! You won’t know what he wants and plans to do until you ask though.

I wouldn’t worry about it as a red-flag. If anything, it’s admirable that he took a leap of faith to go down that path. If you do end up with a house, kids, etc. it could be great for you where he’s got a bit more flexibility so you don’t get called out of work.

Sounds like you’re seeing the negatives which is normal, but consider the positives too!

LegacyUser

Thank you all for taking the time to reply

Yes, his room is definitely tidy but he seems oblivious to dirt dirt. As in, it might be tidy but I imagine he has never mopped it. He is tidy and organised but fundamentally dirty. I picked up the towel that I noticed he has been using for weeks for showering and it absolutely stank! He would notice a physical mess but is oblivious to the filth...and the house and bathrooms are completely filthy...stomach churning a bit

I can't go into too much detail on the aspect of his job but it isn't like he is setting up his own company. These are just small creative gigs.

I know no one is perfect but I could potentially see these things really bothering me down the line when I am 35 and cleaning our shared bathroom after him. You shouldn't date someone with the intention of changing them so I'm just trying to evaluate if it is worth it...

Sardonicat

You're in a new relationship and already you're worrying if he would be mortgage approved. That is the red flag here. If he was my mate I'd be advising him to run.

Mongfinder General

I see this all the time.

I work with some beautiful women. Beautiful unmarried women in their late 30's. They're all waiting for that special guy. The issue, as I see it, is that they want Mr Perfect. Instead of settling for Mr Right.

OP, you can't have everything. You live in a country that taxes couples at 50% above €70 odd grand (joint assessment). Working free lance or from home could save a fortune on child care. This guy ticks most of the boxes. Don't balls it up.

nthclare

Sorry but I can't resist wondering if he's a Cork supporter lol

He sounds like he's being himself, it could be worse and he could be one of those guys who'd be more like one of the girl's.

My girlfriend loves my independence and creative streak.

Guy's who are independent are more interesting because they're spontaneous, you never know what is going to happen next and he has his own mind...

Imagine being with some egit who's predictable and consistent, sure you'd get bored pretty quickly.
Anyone who's creative and innovative are a bit topsy turvy, but there's fun in the mystery and suspense.

He's an original and if you let him go there is going to be a drop dead gorgeous, vivacious and creative woman out there somewhere to snap him up...

Your call

nthclare

LegacyUser

I'm a freelance artist and bought my house by myself so its certainly possible to buy working freelance. It can be hard for people who don't work in a creative field to understand how it works, my aunt use to tell people I was unemployed and any time I saw her would be pushing me about 'getting a real job' but she worked an office job her whole life and my siblings have more traditional jobs so anything that isn't monday to friday 9 to 5 she just can't understand.

bitofabind

I can see where you’re coming from. I broke up with a long term ex for similar reasons. Ultimately, I was a saver, he was a spender, I was constantly thinking about the next 5 years while he didn’t think beyond next week and my unhappiness and insecurity really increased as the years went by and I entered my 30s thinking about settling down, families and mortgages. I couldn’t see how I could ever have a true partnership with him and his fly by the seat-of-his-pants nature.

At the same time, he was the most loyal, loving, funny, caring and committed partner I’ve ever had and when you’re back in the single market you come to realise how incredibly rare that is. I miss many aspects of who he was and what he brought to my life to this day.

What I’d advise is to have some sort of adult conversation about all of this. Try to gauge where he sees the relationship going, what his hopes for the future are. As other posters mentioned, these aren’t “red flags” - from a red-flag perspective I’d say most lads you’ll meet on tinder have a lot more than this guy! The things that truly matter in a partner, commitment, connection, honesty, loyalty, attraction, seem to be there. Lucky you! Now you need to figure out if these things are incompatibilities though. Does he see himself settling down? Buying his own place? He’s only 30 and up until recently single so chances are he’s just been coasting along not really thinking about these things. Tell him what you want in the next few years. Gauge his reaction. Take it from there.

shesty

I would worry more about the job than the house.

Men just do not see the dirt women do.If you were living with him, who do you think would be changing the towels - most likely you, noticing it needed doing.You might ask him to do it and he would, sure, but the likelihood of you being the one to notice is higher.My husband will do housework no bother, but it does tend to be me driving it most of the time (yes - I know this isn't every man-I am just saying unless his own personal space is absolutely disgusting, he is probably no better or worse than any other man)

The job thing, you need to have a conversation about.If you did plan on a relationship, potentially moving in together, all that stuff, it's a fair enough thing to consider how would you pay bills, how would he contribute financially and that.I don't know if it's a make or break thing, but it is definitely worth a discussion.

California Dreamer

If you went to the bother of seeking out this forum and writing out a long explanation of your thoughts about two possible red flags with that in itself not be a red flag?

It sounds to me like these are two major issues that you can possibly not get past.

Everybody needs and wants money. Most people want a good life marriage, children, lifestyle. Can you really see these things with him?

rainbowtrout

Unsureofhim wrote: »

However, there are two big red flags. The first being, his job is a freelance/creative field so he goes through long periods of working but not for money. He would have very little money and I could never imagine him being approved for a mortgage. He has absolutely no job stability. I have quite a stable job, good pay, health insurance etc. I am not materialistic, I don't want fancy holidays or gifts, but what if we ever want to buy a home or start a family? I feel al the responsibility would fall on him to be the more structured person with a solid income.

.

Why does he have to be the one with the stable income? Why can't it be you?

LegacyUser

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Why does he have to be the one with the stable income? Why can't it be you?

Apologies, that should have said me, not him.

LilacNails

Am I'll take him if things don't work out...!?!

Joking.

Honestly Op the positives you have described about him, his career and dirty towels are small silly issues.

If they are deal breakers have to agree with the others ye might not be compatible, sorry.

Big Bag of Chips

Why does it matter who is the higher earner? In many houses one person is the earner and the other is the stay at home parent, or partime worker. It doesn't automatically have to be the man who is the main earner.

You say this is very early days, so why not just enjoy the gorgeous, funny person he is? For now life suits him. Working freelance if and when he fancies it is fine. He doesn't have responsibilities that need him to have a steady (high) income.

If your relationship progresses and if life decisions need to be made he may well change his working situation. Or he may not, but if you are a good couple you will make decisions together and find a way to work through things.

But you are getting way ahead of yourself. Enjoy it for what it is now. Maybe spend the minimum amount of time necessary in his house share. But if you still find yourself having niggling doubts in a few weeks move on. It doesn't matter how gorgeous he is, or how good he is in bed if you're not fully convinced.

milli milli

Money is a major compatibility issue with couples - it’s not a small thing that you can sweep under the carpet. If you’re not compatible in this area - you will have fight after fight over this.

You both need to have a big chat about this - both of you have valid lifestyle choices - one isn’t better than the other (I’m talking about the work issue, not the dirty house).

But please OP, don’t force your creative boyfriend into getting a corporate job - it potentially can suck the life out of him.

openup

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP here. Like, at the end of the day when you're looking for someone to set up a home with someone you're going to have to clean up aftern and pay for is hardly ideal even if he's good company.

We don't neccesarily have all the info but these things are not neccesarily small issues. No, the guy isn't responsible for cleaning up after his housemates but it would definitely give me pause if the place was a tip. My housemates are slobs but I'm not going to live in squalor so I do my bit and it would worry me if a guy hadn't. Of course we all have our blindspots aand I'm not exactly houseproud but if it's dirty enough you'd consider breaking up with him then it must be bad. Yeah his room is clean, but of course it is! It's a bedroom, give it a hoover and open the windows and it's good as new. It's kitchens are bathrooms that get disgusting.

His career wouldn't worry me, depending on what sort of a spender he is. My housemate is in an unstable industry but he's financially responsible. While he's never going to be a millionare he knows how to budget well and get through the "lean times". Is that the same as this guy? Or is he the time that gets his first pay in 3 months and blows it all on stuff he doesn't need? There's a huge difference there.

At the end of the day I also have to wonder...if he was a great as you say he is then this stuff probably wouldn't bother you. This isn't to say you should definitely break up but I've realised lately that "he's a great guy but XYZ" is often just a nicer way of telling yourself "i'll like him when he changes"

Pawwed Rig

My recommendation to every couple who think about living together is, if you can at all afford it, get a cleaner. If you're working hard all week the last thing you need is to have to clean on your free time. Worse again is having domestic chores cause tension in a relationship.

You need to sit down and talk about the future and see if it is a future that you want.

I do think it is a bit old fashioned of you to expect him to be the breadwinner. Could you respect someone who you earn more than? My gut is that this may be an issue for you.

KiKi III

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

My recommendation to every couple who think about living together is, if you can at all afford it, get a cleaner. If you're working hard all week the last thing you need is to have to clean on your free time. Worse again is having domestic chores cause tension in a relationship.

You need to sit down and talk about the future and see if it is a future that you want.

I do think it is a bit old fashioned of you to expect him to be the breadwinner. Could you respect someone who you earn more than? My gut is that this may be an issue for you.

That was a typo by the OP. She’s concerned that she will have to be the sole breadwinner.

Shelga

Mongfinder General wrote: »

I see this all the time.

I work with some beautiful women. Beautiful unmarried women in their late 30's. They're all waiting for that special guy. The issue, as I see it, is that they want Mr Perfect. Instead of settling for Mr Right.

OP, you can't have everything. You live in a country that taxes couples at 50% above €70 odd grand (joint assessment). Working free lance or from home could save a fortune on child care. This guy ticks most of the boxes. Don't balls it up.

Some women would prefer to be alone, rather than settle for a man whose habits drive them crazy. Maybe the OP is one of those women. It's not 1957 anymore, you don't have to get married at all costs, you know.

cj maxx

He's handsome, kind , a good lover and side spilttingly funny ( her words) and the fact that he is free lancing in his career and not chasing a steady well paid job is a red flag?
Also his housemates are messy while he is not is a 'red flag'
They're not red flags, maybe something you can't comprehend, but not red flags

Shelga

cj maxx wrote: »

He's handsome, kind , a good lover and side spilttingly funny ( her words) and the fact that he is free lancing in his career and not chasing a steady well paid job is a red flag?
Also his housemates are messy while he is not is a 'red flag'
They're not red flags, maybe something you can't comprehend, but not red flags

She says herself, it's very early days. I think she's shrewd to be acknowledging what is likely to bother her down the road. I'm trying to get a house at the moment on my own, and it's incredibly difficult. Being in a relationship and still having to go through all the financial stuff alone? Not hot!

It's meant to be a partnership, not her struggling alone financially through life. Don't make her out to be overly picky by wisely sensing that this will bother her massively, if his work ethic or priorities don't change. And note that she also wisely says that she's not trying to change him!

OP, I would continue having fun with the guy, but don't ignore your gut feeling on what are majorly important things to be on the same page on in a serious adult relationship.

Tork

I wouldn't necessarily see these as red flags but as things to keep an eye on. It is a good sign that his own room isn't a pigsty and there could be any number of explanations for why the rest of the house isn't so clean. Sometimes people move cleanliness and tidiness in a rented house down their list of priorities, favouring nice housemates, location or rent over having a sparkling clean bathroom. Maybe you might tease his thoughts on it out sometime and make your own decision on it. If he's generally not a slob, maybe you're getting wound up over nothing.

As for his job, is it the sort of thing that has the potential to make more money in the future? Where does he see things going? Again, I don't think this is necessarily a reason to shoot the guy down unless it points to other concerns you have. If he's a full-time poet who lives on a diet of pot noodles and refuses to get a "proper job", that'd be off-putting. If his freelance work is a reasonably steady if irregular source of income, it might not be so bad.

It is such early days, I think you're putting the cart before the horse. As time goes on you'll find out more about how compatible you are. For now, enjoy the relationship and getting to know him better.

Bobtheman

He is unlikely to be want to be house sharing in 5 years. Ask him if he'd ever like to own a house.
I think you are jumping ahead at this stage. Be careful. You don't want to scare him off.