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Child Item

Partner called me a ‘c***’ during an argument

Anongirl306

My partner of 5 years hosted a zoom family quiz at the weekend. I asked him if I could include a round from my quiz that I made for my friends the previous week. He said no, as it was already made. Fair enough but I felt a bit put out and I said no when he asked me if I wanted to read some of his questions. I won’t deny that I was a bit pouty. Immature of me, probably yes. When I was in work I got a text message that I ruined his family quiz and his whole weekend, that it was a dickhead thing to do and I set out to sabotage his weekend (totally not the case)
Background, he has a history of avoiding conflict and he will sometimes refuse to talk to me for days after a disagreement because he needs to calm down. I’m not perfect either and have made a lot of effort to resolve things in a constructive way as I have a tendency to be overly sensitive about things and get hurt / upset easily. I replied that I did not appreciate being text like that in work as I work in healthcare and my mind needs to be on the job. If he wants to discuss it he should have the balls to talk to me face to face. He said he did not feel like talking to a c***, and that he would be cooking his own meals and doing his own grocery shopping. I don’t drive. I said that I did not appreciate being called that it’s so disrespectful. His response —In terms of "not having the balls" to talk to you in person - the ****in nerve of you. If you act like a **** - yes, a **** to me, I am free to respond in my own way. Why should you get to choose how i react??? Makes no sense.—
This is all happening over text message when I’m in work and he has closed himself off in the spare room and not speaking to me. I am a reasonable person and can talk through things rationally and I will admit my wrongdoings. I don’t say anything inflammatory in the heat of the moment and stick to facts and solutions. Our relationship is for the most part great but I feel so disrespected and hurt

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Tork

I was accused earlier in the thread of advising you to ring Women's Aid - I did no such a thing. I also said at the time that I didn't think that you were in an abusive relationship but that it'd be worth looking at the list of signs anyway. None of us is in your relationship so that's why I have been asking some questions including the lastest ones about knocking on the door and trying to sort this in person. I've also read your posts a few times and am picking up clues all over the place about how bad things are in your home when he has one of his sulks. There is far more to this problem than what happened last weekend. The row over the Zoom quiz seems to be the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't know what to say about anybody who thinks a grown man throwing a 5+ day tantrum is acceptable behaviour. This isn't the first time he has done this - it is an established pattern of behaviour. So much so, that the OP told us she suggested counselling. He shot it down.

His reaction on Monday was completely over the top. Unless you're not telling us something about your "pouty" behaviour at the time, his accusation that you "ruined his family quiz and his whole weekend, that it was a dickhead thing to do and (you) set out to sabotage his weekend" takes hyperbole to a whole new level. The thing is, he appears to have form when it comes to losing his temper over things nobody should be getting angry over. You mentioned earlier in the thread that you've been given the cold shoulder for your phone alarm waking him up and you not putting the dinner on the table in time. You're treated to these lengthy cold shoulders, during which time he seems to be completely unapproachable.

As thing stand right now, it'd be madness to marry him. There is obviously a huge problem with the way you both deal with conflict and it needs a lot more than a hug and a kiss to sort out. Unless you can tell us differently, this sounds like a significant escalation since the last one of these rows. This is one angry man and something is eating him up here.

Anongirl306

Thank you Hannibal and Tork, any advice on what to do next? I can’t live like this it’s making me really anxious, and even if I did have somewhere else to stay I wouldn’t want to be pushed out of my home to escape it

Big Bag of Chips

Can you go anywhere, even for the weekend? Just leave. You can't communicate with him so no point sitting in a silent house for the weekend.

Go to a friends or go home for the weekend. Leave him wondering.
Whilst there start making your plans to split up and sell up. You're a week on now and no improvement. This is not going to magically resolve and you live happily ever after.

Make sure you are saving a bit of money weekly/monthly. You will need rent somewhere if/when the house sells. You will also need to save if you hope to buy a house again yourself. Could you afford to buy him out of the house, at the moment?

KiKi III

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Thank you Hannibal and Tork, any advice on what to do next? I can’t live like this it’s making me really anxious, and even if I did have somewhere else to stay I wouldn’t want to be pushed out of my home to escape it

Does he know that at this point you’re considering calling off the wedding and looking into your legal options?

KiKi III

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Can you go anywhere, even for the weekend? Just leave. You can't communicate with him so no point sitting in a silent house for the weekend.

Go to a friends or go home for the weekend. Leave him wondering.
Whilst there start making your plans to split up and sell up. You're a week on now and no improvement. This is not going to magically resolve and you live happily ever after.

Make sure you are saving a bit of money weekly/monthly. You will need rent somewhere if/when the house sells. You will also need to save if you hope to buy a house again yourself. Could you afford to buy him out of the house, at the moment?

Again OP, if you legally own 80% of the house, I wouldn’t be going anywhere. I know it’s **** to live in that atmosphere but it’s him that should be moving out and renting.

You say you’re from up North, is his family in Dublin? If so, let him go and stay with them.

Big Bag of Chips

Sorry, OP, my suggestion wasn't to leave permanently! Or for you to move out renting leaving him in the house.
I mean for you to go home for the weekend. Be with people who love you, and who will look after you. It's ok to feel sorry for yourself and feel sad at what's happening.

My suggestion on renting is for when the house sells, if the house sells. You will both be moving out and you will need to rent somewhere. I am not for a second suggesting that you leave him living in the house. But I am suggesting you leave him in the house for the weekend. Go and take care of yourself. You'll be back Sunday evening! And he might have come round a bit by then.

It's an awful atmosphere to stay in. And unless you are working this weekend, then you don't need to stay in it.

august12

I would book myself into a nice hotel for weekend at least and let him stew for a few more days and wouldn't even tell him I'm going. Just pack a bag , it will clear your head and give you time to reflect, much better than going to family/friends.

Hannibal_Smith

I'm trying to think, what would I do.

Your partner has locked himself away in the spare room, right? Does he spend all his time there? Does he come out for meals? (I can't believe I'm asking things like that tbh).

But, if he's locked away in the spare room, I'd enjoy the rest of the house. And i don't mean by joining him in his passive aggressive melodrama, by letting him know you're enjoying the rest of the house. I'd just potter around and get on doing what i need to do as if he wasn't there. He's making it very easy to do that by the sounds of things.

He says he's not going to bring you shopping for food - order online. Get yourself everything you would love to eat and drink. Treat yourself. It's a Friday night, so I'm not sure what your work hours are, but if you're finished for the weekend, put your feet up and enjoy having the TV to yourself. Make the most of it and take the max you can out of the peace.

He's trying to let you know he's angry with you and you've received the message. There's nothing more you can do. If you absorb every door slam and huff-fest, it'll wind you up even more. I get that it's a toxic atmosphere at the moment, but it can only be if you absorb it. Eventually he will come out of his humour but until then, I really would make the most of it.

KiKi III

august12 wrote: »

I would book myself into a nice hotel for weekend at least and let him stew for a few more days and wouldn't even tell him I'm going. Just pack a bag , it will clear your head and give you time to reflect, much better than going to family/friends.

This is a pretty good idea but are hotels even open?

august12

KiKi III wrote: »

This is a pretty good idea but are hotels even open?

Yes

Tork

Hmm. What would I do? There's merit to both arguments - staying at home or going away. If it was me, I'd be removing myself from the toxic atmosphere and going home to my family. I'd cry on someone's shoulder, talk it out and try to gain some perspective. It's entirely up to yourself what you choose to do - you're the one who's living through this.

What I definitely wouldn't be doing, for now, is making any big decisions or saying anything to him. Take things one step at a time. Use this weekend to regroup. Hopefully, he will come out of this monumental sulk and be more amenable to an actual conversation in the coming days. There isn't anything to be gained by trying to hold big conversations with him while he's still in such a foul mood. Take things one day at a time and don't get ahead of yourself.

Jurgen Klopp

Look ye are not suited by the sounds of it. Whether it's 50:50 or ones worse than the other I don't know

But frankly you're wasting your time with this fella if he takes off to a room for days at a time etc

Even in best case if he's just sensitive or isn't the best at communication you can't be dealing with this craic rest of your life if this is how he goes on, ye are both better off calling off the wedding as frankly I'd be betting divorce eventually

rainbowtrout

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I'm trying to think, what would I do.

Your partner has locked himself away in the spare room, right? Does he spend all his time there? Does he come out for meals? (I can't believe I'm asking things like that tbh).

But, if he's locked away in the spare room, I'd enjoy the rest of the house. And i don't mean by joining him in his passive aggressive melodrama, by letting him know you're enjoying the rest of the house. I'd just potter around and get on doing what i need to do as if he wasn't there. He's making it very easy to do that by the sounds of things.

He says he's not going to bring you shopping for food - order online. Get yourself everything you would love to eat and drink. Treat yourself. It's a Friday night, so I'm not sure what your work hours are, but if you're finished for the weekend, put your feet up and enjoy having the TV to yourself. Make the most of it and take the max you can out of the peace.

He's trying to let you know he's angry with you and you've received the message. There's nothing more you can do. If you absorb every door slam and huff-fest, it'll wind you up even more. I get that it's a toxic atmosphere at the moment, but it can only be if you absorb it. Eventually he will come out of his humour but until then, I really would make the most of it.

I'd agree with this. In terms of the silent treatment, he wants you to feel bad, and wants you to take the blame and grovel. You've extended the olive branch twice by texting him to get the ball rolling and apologised for the whole quiz thing and he's thrown it back in your face. With the way things are if you keep trying that, he controls the mood in the house and when things are resolved. I say resolved, but really it's when he's decided you've had long enough in the dog house. That could go on for another few days.

It requires a change of mindset because these sulks and tantrums and bouts of silence have happened before and if you've appeased him (about the phone alarm and the dinner - neither of which are reasons to throw a tantrum), then a dynamic has been established.

I'd just ignore him and let him exist in a vacuum in the spare room. If he works a regular Mon-Fri job, he'll be pretty bored sitting in the spare room all weekend. Just get on with your weekend, if there is a shop within walking distance of the house just go there to get enough things to get you through the weekend if you need anything.

If you can make an appointment to see your solicitor as soon as you can to get legal advice.

Anongirl306

I am having bathroom renovations done at the moment. I asked my plumber to leave my key in the safe place when he was finished. I went to a friends for dinner after work, was on my way home to be told by the plumber that partner told him there would be no one here in the morning and to take my key home (??????) so I was left locked out, knocked the door and partner opened it, he had been sitting in darkness with no t.v. or light on. I’m pretty spooked, have informed family and will speak to solicitor ASAP

KiKi III

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I am having bathroom renovations done at the moment. I asked my plumber to leave my key in the safe place when he was finished. I went to a friends for dinner after work, was on my way home to be told by the plumber that partner told him there would be no one here in the morning and to take my key home (??????) so I was left locked out, knocked the door and partner opened it, he had been sitting in darkness with no t.v. or light on. I’m pretty spooked, have informed family and will speak to solicitor ASAP

Jesus that’s messed up. Did you talk at all then?

cannotlogin

Any chance he's coming down from something or in withdrawal?

You are probably better to get out of there until you can get him out? He's too unpredictable for you to be sure you are safe right now.

notsoyoungwan

Op, when I read the first few pages I was all ready to point out how neither of you have great communication styles and both of you were wrong in the initial stage, you didn’t cover yourself in glory in how you behaved over the quiz.

But as I read on and finished the thread, I can only add my voice to those saying end the relationship. And never go back.

I grew up in a house with a father who behaved as your partner is now doing. I cannot begin to tell you how damaging that is to everyone in the house. His moods and behaviour ruled our lives. I constantly had that ‘walking on eggshells’ feeling in the pit of my stomach, we never knew what would set off the next episode of silent treatment and withdrawal. One time it was because I had set the table for supper but hadn’t put the marmalade out. Apparently I “never had consideration for other people” and didn’t appreciate everything my father did for me. I was 8 years old at the time. My father didn’t speak to anyone in our house for 3 days. Ostensibly because of a jar of marmalade. Another time, an older sister coined a pet name for me. That led to silent treatment because he thought it was stupid and childish. My brother fell and skinned the knee of his tracksuit bottoms. A week of sulking ensued, after the lecture about how hard he worked to pay for our clothes. All minor, normal, everyday family things, but the reaction they got was unwarranted and completely over the top. And on a different day, he might not have reacted like that, it was impossible to predict.

Every single one of my siblings left home as soon as possible and got away from that environment. We all stayed in touch with our parents, but the dynamic continued, and blighted all our adult lives. My father is now dead, and I don’t think I’m grieving him, rather I’m grieving the father i could have and should have had. My relationship with my mother is also complex. I resent her for not protecting us from that behaviour by leaving him, even though on the other hand I can clearly see that she was a victim of his too.

[when things were good, they were very good, I’m not denying that. But that underlying feeling of tension and trying to be two steps ahead to stage-manage everything to predict/minimize his reaction was always there. But just for completeness sake, my parents were excellent parents in some areas, ensuring we all got a great education, setting us up for life, and I’ll always be grateful for that]

Lastly, do you know what happened the last time my alarm woke the man who was in bed with me? He mumbled “that’s loud, you wouldn’t sleep through that”, then asked me if we had time for a quickie before I had to get up... much better than sulking for days!

LegacyUser

He sounds awful. I really hope you end it and never take it back.

As for the grow some balls comment...well I would consider that to be a gender neutral comment these days really. I say it about myself (i'm female) and me and my female friends would say it to each other also!!

Anongirl306

I text his asking if he would be home this evening, we need to have a conversation ( I planned on ending things)

Response:

If this ends up as you trying to give me a lecture, ill shut it down. This started with you, im not bring made to feel bad about anything.

I’m absolutely dreading this I feel sick to the pit of my stomach

[Deleted User]

Hey anongirl.. he'll shut it down?.. Jesus Christ..have you told him you think it's over?..

Hope you're ok anyway.. tough thing to have to be dealing with..

KiKi III

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I text his asking if he would be home this evening, we need to have a conversation ( I planned on ending things)

Response:

If this ends up as you trying to give me a lecture, ill shut it down. This started with you, im not bring made to feel bad about anything.

I’m absolutely dreading this I feel sick to the pit of my stomach

You need to have the conversation. Don’t try and make him feel bad about anything or argue with him. Just stick with the facts; you can’t be in a relationship in these circumstances and you think it’s better to end this.

It’s a full week later and he’s been giving you the silent treatment for days, he’s still totally unwilling to take any responsibility.

Idle Passerby

I'm not sure I'd even bother giving him a chance to speak, he hasn't bothered so far what is there to talk about now. Just tell him it's over and lay out what you expect him to do whether it's move out or whatever. He's lost his chance to have a say.

Anongirl306

KiKi III wrote: »

You need to have the conversation. Don’t try and make him feel bad about anything or argue with him. Just stick with the facts; you can’t be in a relationship in these circumstances and you think it’s better to end this.

It’s a full week later and he’s been giving you the silent treatment for days, he’s still totally unwilling to take any responsibility.

That’s exactly my plan. Nervous about how it will go down

Big Bag of Chips

Don't give him a lecture! It's what he's expecting. Be very calm. Very economical in what you say - just lay it out. In few words.

"It's clear this isn't working anymore. It's time for us to break up. I don't want to argue. There's nothing else to say."

KiKi III

Also, if you do this he’ll quite likely change his tune when he realises you’re serious.

He may very well start apologising and begging for forgiveness then - he’s acting this way because he’s used to you putting up with it.

So you need to have a think about how you’ll feel in that instance.

osarusan

If you are going to break up with him, get it though to his head that this isn't something that you are thinking about, something that's up for discussion. It's something you're settled on, it's done, all that's left is the details of the separation.

Above all else, avoid getting bogged down in the details of the incident itself and the rights and wrongs. If he starts going on about how it's all your fault for starting it, don't get into a debate on that, just move on from it, tell him that's not what the talk is about. Be prepared for him to guilttrip you, and/or for him to beg forgiveness. Be prepared for how to deal with that and move on from it.

Tbh, whatever else has been going through his head for the past 5/6 days, the thought of a breakup must have occurred to him.

notsoyoungwan

Another thing to be prepared for is the threats of suicide when he realises you’re serious. Please don’t be manipulated by him in this way.

Anongirl306

He just said ok and nodded his head

calfmuscle

Best of luck this evening, it sounds like it's going to be very hard so well done for taking it on! Wishing you all the best come what may!

[Deleted User]

Anongirl306 wrote: »

He just said ok and nodded his head

Hey..look, all things considered that was probably the best possible outcome..