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Child Item

Partner called me a ‘c***’ during an argument

Anongirl306

My partner of 5 years hosted a zoom family quiz at the weekend. I asked him if I could include a round from my quiz that I made for my friends the previous week. He said no, as it was already made. Fair enough but I felt a bit put out and I said no when he asked me if I wanted to read some of his questions. I won’t deny that I was a bit pouty. Immature of me, probably yes. When I was in work I got a text message that I ruined his family quiz and his whole weekend, that it was a dickhead thing to do and I set out to sabotage his weekend (totally not the case)
Background, he has a history of avoiding conflict and he will sometimes refuse to talk to me for days after a disagreement because he needs to calm down. I’m not perfect either and have made a lot of effort to resolve things in a constructive way as I have a tendency to be overly sensitive about things and get hurt / upset easily. I replied that I did not appreciate being text like that in work as I work in healthcare and my mind needs to be on the job. If he wants to discuss it he should have the balls to talk to me face to face. He said he did not feel like talking to a c***, and that he would be cooking his own meals and doing his own grocery shopping. I don’t drive. I said that I did not appreciate being called that it’s so disrespectful. His response —In terms of "not having the balls" to talk to you in person - the ****in nerve of you. If you act like a **** - yes, a **** to me, I am free to respond in my own way. Why should you get to choose how i react??? Makes no sense.—
This is all happening over text message when I’m in work and he has closed himself off in the spare room and not speaking to me. I am a reasonable person and can talk through things rationally and I will admit my wrongdoings. I don’t say anything inflammatory in the heat of the moment and stick to facts and solutions. Our relationship is for the most part great but I feel so disrespected and hurt

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HildaOgdenx

Anongirl306 wrote: »

You’re all right, I was childish and I will apologize to him for that. Every night this week, he has locked the door of the spare room and is going about the house slamming doors shut etc so the atmosphere makes me reluctant to approach to apologize as I feel it won’t be a productive conversation.

OP, please do think about what has been said about his behaviour too. It's not healthy for anyone to be dealing with silent treatment, and it is considered a form of abuse.

I know you said upthread that you need to have a conversation, possibly a make or break one. If it's always going to be a case of you apologising and trying to put things right following silent treatment, and him locking himself in a room, well, honestly, I would be saying goodbye.
Is there anywhere you could move to even temporarily, so that he has no audience for the door slamming? Then maybe a calm conversation could be had, but the silent treatment has to stop. For good.

Picture the future, and as Tork said above, if you had children, What then? Would daddy still be locking himself into a room, and you and the child(ren) appeasing him, and tiptoeing around because he will not behave like an adult?

Please do read back over everything that was posted. Mind yourself.

[Deleted User]

@anongirl..
I think people have been very harsh on you in this thread..
Maybe I come from a different, more civilized world, but I don't think you've over reacted..
I kind of feel your boyfriend is kind of being abusive and maybe it's time to think maybe the relationship has run its course..

Tork

Anongirl306 wrote: »

You’re all right, I was childish and I will apologize to him for that. Every night this week, he has locked the door of the spare room and is going about the house slamming doors shut etc so the atmosphere makes me reluctant to approach to apologize as I feel it won’t be a productive conversation.

Do you think that you are the only childish one in the house? Today is Thursday and this row has been rumbling on since last weekend.

Someone still locking themselves into the spare room, slamming doors and ruining the atmosphere at home does not a healthy relationship make. Are you sure you're not seeking to resolve this because you're afraid of him? Does he intimidate you?

He isn't showing any willingness to resolve this either, which is also a worry. When you have a row, who apologises most of the time?

Neyite

Anongirl306 wrote: »

You’re all right, I was childish and I will apologize to him for that. Every night this week, he has locked the door of the spare room and is going about the house slamming doors shut etc so the atmosphere makes me reluctant to approach to apologize as I feel it won’t be a productive conversation.

I wouldn't apologise to him in those circumstances if he's going around slamming stuff. Ok you were initially out of line, but so was he and he's blowing this out of all proportion now. It was a fight over a quiz. You didn't murder anyone. You might have sulked initially but he's winning the sulk war hands down now.

Right now, your lives together are at their most easy or simple. Down the line there's things like kids or mortgages or redundancies or bereavements or ill health that you'll both come up against and communication is how you tackle those tough times as a couple together.

So, is this what you want for your future? Will this stonewalling be acceptable when you disagree over what sofa to buy, or deciding to buy a house? I think you need to have a long think about what you want in your future and see if a man like this (who may never change that behaviour) fits in it.

KiKi III

How often do these kinds of arguments happen OP?

Hannibal_Smith

Anongirl306 wrote: »

You’re all right, I was childish and I will apologize to him for that. Every night this week, he has locked the door of the spare room and is going about the house slamming doors shut etc so the atmosphere makes me reluctant to approach to apologize as I feel it won’t be a productive conversation.

Do you know OP, not in a million years would I tolerate behaviour like that. I couldn't Imagine not speaking to my husband for 5 days and walk around slamming doors to let him know I was hacked off with him. Over a quiz.

You said something/he said something... But it doesn't warrant 5 days of a tantrum from him. Was there tension bubbling between you already, or is this a regular thing?

If this is a regular thing, I'd be seriously considering walking. I couldn't spend my life like that and people who behave like that, from what I've seen, don't miraculously get better at communicating.

cj maxx

As HS said going around in a tantrum for 5 days would have me thinking of packing up. I'd also suggest that he is probably doing the same in the spare room. You need to have a honest,on both sides, discussion about the state of your relationship,or even if there still is one. And be prepared to walk if necessary

Anongirl306

We own the house together. This does happen regularly, every couple of months maybe and while I put my hands up and admit I behaved like a brat in this instance, most of the times it’s something innocent or unintentional that has irritated him. We are supposed to get married next year and the recent posts about when kids come along etc is something that genuinely worries me because I don’t know if he can change when we’ve been through this before

KiKi III

Anongirl306 wrote: »

We own the house together. This does happen regularly, every couple of months maybe and while I put my hands up and admit I behaved like a brat in this instance, most of the times it’s something innocent or unintentional that has irritated him. We are supposed to get married next year and the recent posts about when kids come along etc is something that genuinely worries me because I don’t know if he can change when we’ve been through this before

If I was you I’d go and stay with friends or family for a few nights. The atmosphere in the house sounds horrible. Take some time to get some perspective.

Tork

I was about to ask about the home ownership because you mentioned a kitchen counter somewhere earlier. You are right to be worried about what the future holds. I know that it's very difficult to walk away from a relationship when you've already bought a house and there's a wedding on the horizon. But, if your boyfriend is unwilling to even address the problems you have, these will be trivial problems in the grand scale of things. He seems to go bananas at the most trivial of things and to bear lengthy grudges. That is extremely worrying in my book. What will he do if you have children and they wake him up in the middle of the night or dinner gets delayed or his plans get disrupted.

Counselling was suggested earlier. Even if he won't go, I think you should. You've got a lot of thinking to do here.

LegacyUser

Anongirl306 wrote: »

We own the house together. This does happen regularly, every couple of months maybe and while I put my hands up and admit I behaved like a brat in this instance, most of the times it’s something innocent or unintentional that has irritated him. We are supposed to get married next year and the recent posts about when kids come along etc is something that genuinely worries me because I don’t know if he can change when we’ve been through this before

You’ve posted about this guy before, haven’t you? The extended silent treatment sounds familiar.

Leaving aside what he called you (rotten word), the silent treatment is abusive. This isn’t taking an hour or two to cool the head, it’s been days.

You can deal with the house - kids and marriage are harder to get out of. That he refuses to go to couples counselling tells me he’s not bothered enough to work on building a healthy relationship.

He will absolutely be like this with any children you have. This is who he is and he doesn’t want to change by all accounts. You’ll be unleashing an absolute bully on to any kids you have.

I’d cut and run. You won’t have a happy future with him.

Just to add, work on the sulking thing. It’s poor form in a relationship.

Neyite

Anongirl306 wrote: »

We own the house together. This does happen regularly, every couple of months maybe and while I put my hands up and admit I behaved like a brat in this instance, most of the times it’s something innocent or unintentional that has irritated him. We are supposed to get married next year and the recent posts about when kids come along etc is something that genuinely worries me because I don’t know if he can change when we’ve been through this before

Children will push you to the end of your tether if you are the most placid person in the world so I think you are right to be concerned.

Are the innocent or unintentional things that irritate him taken out on you even if they are nothing to do with you?

LegacyUser

I grew up in a home with a father who behaved a lot like this towards my mother. In the end he wore her down and she was a shadow of herself by the time she died. It wasn't much fun to be a child either. We learned early on how to detect his moods and if it was safe to play near him. He never raised a hand to us not be didn't need to. He and his moods dictated the way the house would be that day. It often felt like it was us kids and mum on one side trying to cope with they moody sulking man who lived with us. It took lots of therapy to get over the damage of my upbringing. How a child is parented affects their adult lives.

Hannibal_Smith

I know you own a house together, but dealing with it in the wake of a relationship break up now is much easier than if you were married.

You said before he won't go to counselling... He won't talk to you... But he'll go around slamming doors? He'll do his own shopping and you'll do yours?

That's effectively threatening a split in the relationship. Why would he think you want that? I wonder was he angling for a row and does he want to split, but wants you to do it?

KiKi III

OP, generally speaking, were you looking forward to getting married and having kids? Is that what you both want or is it something you’ve been pursuing because you feel like it’s what’s expected after being together five years?

cj maxx

Reading about locking himself away for days is not good.
Has he been to a medical doctor re mental health issues in the past?
Would he go now?

Anongirl306

Hannibal what you said makes sense.

I sent him a text today since a conversation is off the cards at the moment-

I apologized for the way I acted, I understand why he was annoyed and it certainly wasn’t intentional but the way he has treated me since is cruel and extreme, and that the atmosphere at home is horrible.

His response - I always make him out to be the villain (this is because I call him out when he gives me cold shoulder over something silly) I’m giving myself a license to behave how I want and that message is a thinly masked way to project blame on him, all for something I started

I give up

Neyite

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Hannibal what you said makes sense.

I sent him a text today since a conversation is off the cards at the moment-

I apologized for the way I acted, I understand why he was annoyed and it certainly wasn’t intentional but the way he has treated me since is cruel and extreme, and that the atmosphere at home is horrible.

His response - I always make him out to be the villain (this is because I call him out when he gives me cold shoulder over something silly) I’m giving myself a license to behave how I want and that message is a thinly masked way to project blame on him, all for something I started

I give up

You've apologised. I don't see what more you can do. A normal person- even one prone to sulking or too proud to apologise first themselves, would probably see your apology as a olive branch and a way of coming out of his sulk without losing face. But since he's continuing to throw accusations at you rather than trying to reconcile you'd have to wonder is there more at play here.

It was an interesting suggestion up-thread that maybe he's trying to provoke you into dumping him so he's not the bad guy dumping his fiancée. Do you think that might be a possibility?

HildaOgdenx

Just to say, joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse in a relationship. (I know you said he wouldn't go anyway).
Using silent treatment is a form of abuse, and control, as described by a poster upthread whose dad used it.

I know it's not easy, OP, and my heart goes out to you, but I think it's time to cut your losses. You might find counselling helpful, for yourself, because it is going to be a difficult time.

Have a glance, if you get a chance at the Mumsnet forum, specifically the relationships threads.
This is an issue that comes up very often, unfortunately. It's even more difficult when children come along.

All the best, take care.

Hannibal_Smith

After 5 days! He's still in that much of a mood? You're not projecting blame, you're apportioning it correctly (going on what you've posted). You said something, he said something back. He loses the ability to be offended and pass judgment on someone's behaviour when he behaved no better, and perhaps worse in the eyes of some, with his name calling, slamming doors and continuing the fight. He doesn't get to monopolise the hurt here. You'd need a degree in psychology to be able to approach him by the sounds of things.

You've apologised and he hasn't accepted it. That's as much as you can do. I can only imagine the atmosphere must be horrible. Can you pack a few things and do what others have suggested, by staying with someone and at least get out of the atmosphere?

Tork

I think the theory that he's angling for a break-up holds water. It still makes no sense that a disagreement over a family quiz escalated into 5 days of this sort of toxicity. If he behaved like this in work he'd have a P45 in his hand by now. If he treated his friends like this he'd have no friends. Why is it OK to treat his fiancee like this? What would you advise your sister or friend to do in this situation? What would your mum think?

After 5 days of him behaving like an ignorant pig, silent treatment, slamming doors and intimidating you, he is the one who should have been apologising. You should be reading his reaction to your apology as a warning sign. If he isn't trying to break up, then you're being told in no uncertain terms what lies ahead for you once that ring goes on your finger.

Have you ever visited the Women's Aid website? https://www.womensaid.ie/help/warningsigns.html Maybe you aren't in an abusive relationship but you could do worse than read down through this list and see how many of them apply to your situation. The way he is treating you isn't right or normal.

ou are afraid of your partner.
You are constantly 'walking on eggshells' because of his mood swings.
You spend your time working out what kind of mood he is in and the focus is always on his needs.
He loses his temper easily and over minor things.
He has hit you or almost hit you and/or your children.
Your partner has been abusive in a previous relationship.
He criticises your family and friends and/or makes it difficult for you to see them or talk to them on your own.
He calls you names and threatens you and/or your children.
He is jealous and accuses you of flirting and having affairs.
He regularly criticises or undermines you in front of other people - including about the way you look, dress, and/or your abilities as a mother.
Your needs are not considered important or are ignored, and he makes the decisions in the relationship.
You find it hard to get time on your own. When you do spend time away from him, he demands to know where you were and who you were with.
He controls your access to basic essentials such as the car, the family finances, food, the telephone and internet.
He has forced you to do something that you really did not want to do.
He has forced you to have sex with him or with other people. He has made you participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with.
He has threatened to have you deported because of your immigration status.
He tries to control aspects of your life such as whether you work, and where; who you see and when; what you can spend; what you can wear; what you watch or listen to on the radio or television.
He demands to know the passwords to you email account and social networking pages.
He has threatened to kill you, or to kill himself, if you leave him.

I think you should consider packing your bags and going to stay with a trusted family member or friend for a few days. And as has been suggested a few times already, you could do with talking to a counsellor by yourself. You badly need time out from your house and to gain some perspective.

KiKi III

Go home, pack a bag, and spend the weekend with a sibling or friend who are not high-risk for Covid.

Anongirl306

Unfortunately I don’t really have anywhere to go, I’m from up north and family are there. I replied saying - do you actually want to try to resolve this or not?

Response -Your attitude stinks and i don't see a resolution here. Deny deny deny, that's the bottom line. It's funny how no matter what you do or how and argument or tension pans out, it always ends up with you being this poor victim who has been put through all this turmoil. So why start? Easiest thing is for you to tell yourself i'm at fault and let's just forget about it.

Time for me to get my affairs in order and talk to my solicitor re. House

KiKi III

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Unfortunately I don’t really have anywhere to go, I’m from up north and family are there. I replied saying - do you actually want to try to resolve this or not?

Response -Your attitude stinks and i don't see a resolution here. Deny deny deny, that's the bottom line. It's funny how no matter what you do or how and argument or tension pans out, it always ends up with you being this poor victim who has been put through all this turmoil. So why start?

Easiest thing is for you to tell yourself i'm at fault and let's just forget about it.

Time for me to get my affairs in order and talk to my solicitor re. House

Well it sounds like he’s not prepared to take any responsibility and his mind is made up.

I know that must be very tough right now; breaking up is really upsetting even if it’s ultimately the right thing for you.

If not tonight then maybe tomorrow for the weekend? You need to look after yourself.

Tork

What a needlessly spiteful reply. If he wanted to end the engagement, which he seems to want, he could've done it in a more civilized fashion. If you don't have any family close, do you have any friends you could turn to? Will you at least pick up the phone and talk to someone if you can't be physically near them? I can't even imagine how hellish home must be at the moment. It'll be ten times worse tonight. Please don't go through this alone.

On the practical side of things, if you have any belongings in the house which are important to you, I'd be putting them somewhere safe just in case. Break-ups bring out the worst in some people and who knows what this guy might do out of sheer spite.

Idle Passerby

Im so relieved your taking steps to leave him OP, when you said you are due to get married I felt panic on your behalf. You cant get married to him, your relationship sounds terrible, It would be signing up to a llife of misery!

[Deleted User]

How did we go from a zoom night to an argument to separation and solicitors in 24 hours?

Neither of you appear ready for marriage to be honest. In fact you reminded me of my eldest daughter and her boyfriend. They have broken up at least 20 times so far this year.

leggo

The way he’s behaving is childish af tbh, and you probably are both better off cutting your losses. I know the way he’s taken that apology, it’s an “I’m sorry but...” and as the phrase goes “Everything before the but is horse****.” Not that I’m saying that’s the case, it’s just almost definitely how he read it. Having said that, you acknowledged his feelings and it sounds like a decent apology so he should’ve just taken the olive branch.

The reality is none of us can really assess who’s to blame here. Some of the stuff saying to call Women’s Aid is a bit hysterical tbh, Women’s Aid wouldn’t have any time to get to real abuse victims if they were backlogged with every person who’s partner was bad at communication and got in a huff with them for a few days. Plus I’m a bit skeptical we’re hearing a one-sided version of this given the angle he’s taking in his responses and that you’ve already tried to get us on side with a bit of emotional manipulation by randomly mentioning how you work in Healthcare (still baffled as to how “I couldn’t text as I was in work” didn’t suffice).

But all of this emanating from a family Zoom quiz is just a sign that the two of you aren’t able to get through basic tasks as a couple without blowing up into some next level drama. I’m amazed you’ve made it as far together as buying a house tbh. You’d both almost definitely be happier with people who could communicate on your respective wavelengths. It shouldn’t be this difficult.

Tork

Leggo, nowhere in my post did I advise her to call Women's Aid. I said "Have you ever visited the Women's Aid website? https://www.womensaid.ie/help/warningsigns.html Maybe you aren't in an abusive relationship but you could do worse than read down through this list and see how many of them apply to your situation. The way he is treating you isn't right or normal."

Anongirl306

leggo wrote: »

The way he’s behaving is childish af tbh, and you probably are both better off cutting your losses. I know the way he’s taken that apology, it’s an “I’m sorry but...” and as the phrase goes “Everything before the but is horse****.” Not that I’m saying that’s the case, it’s just almost definitely how he read it. Having said that, you acknowledged his feelings and it sounds like a decent apology so he should’ve just taken the olive branch.

The reality is none of us can really assess who’s to blame here. Some of the stuff saying to call Women’s Aid is a bit hysterical tbh, Women’s Aid wouldn’t have any time to get to real abuse victims if they were backlogged with every person who’s partner was bad at communication and got in a huff with them for a few days. Plus I’m a bit skeptical we’re hearing a one-sided version of this given the angle he’s taking in his responses and that you’ve already tried to get us on side with a bit of emotional manipulation by randomly mentioning how you work in Healthcare (still baffled as to how “I couldn’t text as I was in work” didn’t suffice).

But all of this emanating from a family Zoom quiz is just a sign that the two of you aren’t able to get through basic tasks as a couple without blowing up into some next level drama. I’m amazed you’ve made it as far together as buying a house tbh. You’d both almost definitely be happier with people who could communicate on your respective wavelengths. It shouldn’t be this difficult.

Of course you’re hearing one side - this is the nature of this forum.
With regards to working in healthcare - my job carries high risk and responsibility so that if I’m upset or distracted and make an error it can have very serious consequences - so it is completely relevant.