nav[aria-label="Primary Navigation"] { padding: 0; & ul { list-style: none; width: 100%; display: flex; flex-direction: row; justify-content: start; align-items: start; gap: 30px; padding: 0; & li { margin: 0; } & ul li { list-style: none; } } }

Child Item

Partner called me a ‘c***’ during an argument

Anongirl306

My partner of 5 years hosted a zoom family quiz at the weekend. I asked him if I could include a round from my quiz that I made for my friends the previous week. He said no, as it was already made. Fair enough but I felt a bit put out and I said no when he asked me if I wanted to read some of his questions. I won’t deny that I was a bit pouty. Immature of me, probably yes. When I was in work I got a text message that I ruined his family quiz and his whole weekend, that it was a dickhead thing to do and I set out to sabotage his weekend (totally not the case)
Background, he has a history of avoiding conflict and he will sometimes refuse to talk to me for days after a disagreement because he needs to calm down. I’m not perfect either and have made a lot of effort to resolve things in a constructive way as I have a tendency to be overly sensitive about things and get hurt / upset easily. I replied that I did not appreciate being text like that in work as I work in healthcare and my mind needs to be on the job. If he wants to discuss it he should have the balls to talk to me face to face. He said he did not feel like talking to a c***, and that he would be cooking his own meals and doing his own grocery shopping. I don’t drive. I said that I did not appreciate being called that it’s so disrespectful. His response —In terms of "not having the balls" to talk to you in person - the ****in nerve of you. If you act like a **** - yes, a **** to me, I am free to respond in my own way. Why should you get to choose how i react??? Makes no sense.—
This is all happening over text message when I’m in work and he has closed himself off in the spare room and not speaking to me. I am a reasonable person and can talk through things rationally and I will admit my wrongdoings. I don’t say anything inflammatory in the heat of the moment and stick to facts and solutions. Our relationship is for the most part great but I feel so disrespected and hurt

Find more posts tagged with

Quick Links

Comments

[Deleted User]

I agree with the op here..
That word is particularly vulgar.. while it may slip off the tongue on occasion, to directly call someone it is pretty bad..

Jurgen Klopp

Maybe it's just me but growing up in rural Ireland **** was never seen any different to bitch or bastard

Frankly anyone making off its some sort of extra special insult would want to switch off the US TV shows

Jayesdiem

osarusan wrote: »

I think this is a silly line of thinking to be honest. Yes, words are just collections of letters and the value is placed on them by individuals.

But the point is that these insults have value, and different insults have different strengths, and those values and strengths are for the most part shared and understood by members of a society, and words are selected for use based on these shared understandings.

The OP's partner chose the word 'c**t' over the word 'plonker' for a reason - because it more appropriately explains the values or strength they want to express. Likewise, the OP chose the expression 'have the balls to...' over other similar expressions, for the same reason.

So (and I know you didn't say this) whether or not 'c**t' is a tem of endearment in Australia is irrelevant here (unless maybe the OP's partner is Australian). We are talking about the shared understanding of the term, and the shared understanding of its strength, in the Irish context.

I agree that there are wider issues here beyond the use of a particular word, but the use of that word has meaning.

I don’t agree. Words lose meaning when they are overused. **** is in this category. It means as much as one ascribes weight to it. When directed at an individual it has few connotations other than to denote that individual as unsavoury and that, like the meaning of the word, is entirely subjective. I’ll adopt that stance with your calling my logic “silly”. It’s an <insert word here> scenario based on one’s own biases and experiences. Not so with objective terms, for example the n word used to insult a black person etc.

bitofabind

It's offensive and I wouldn't like it either. But focusing entirely on that misses the point and prohibits you from coming to an effective conclusion to this argument and salvaging your relationship. Again - how do you or does the relationship progress here if we all agree that "yes OP, what he said was indefensible and he must apologise immediately!" You don't. You get precisely nowhere.

The way forward is not by antagonising him with blame and "you said" and "you did" with no account for your own role in this. You sulked during a family event and spoiled what should've been a fun light-hearted experience for him. His family may well have picked up on that because they're presumably not idiots.

You said yourself he's bad at conflict so he was never going to say this to your face, so he stewed for a while and then took it to text, where you tore shreds off him again. Now you're on your high horse because he threw a particularly foul word at you, forgetting entirely what led him to do that in the first place. No, not an acceptable word. And that can be part of your conversation as you try to resolve this argument. But it can't be the entire argument because it doesn't get him passed his anger and upset at how you let him down. It just attacks him and shuts him down further.

What's so scary and objectionable about coming at this from your supposed position of reasonable and empathetic human? "I'm sorry I hurt you and I love you and I want us to be able to handle these situations better than this"

Do you love him and want to get passed this?

Gregor Samsa

‘c***’ is a very, very strong word to use - especially to a partner. But accusing your partner of "not having the balls" to do something is also a horrible thing to say, and that seems to be what prompted him to use the word. We can argue about whether he should have or not (and I personally would never use it), but you started the vulgar and demeaning insults. You say you didn't say anything inflammatory, but you did and you can't see it. You say you feel disrespected and hurt, but you were disrespectful and hurtful first. You're focusing on his use of the word, and missing all the other problems with the situation.

The fact that doubled down on using it when you brought it up with him seems to underscore his anger at you and the situation. The word may be a red line issue for you, but it seems your reaction to the quiz thing is a red line issue for him.

You say you're a reasonable person, but it's not reasonable to go off in a sulk because he didn't do his quiz the way you wanted.

Looks like you both need to mature a bit in how you handle communication.

Idle Passerby

I would be very hurt if my partner said the same to me, but I can't imagine how an argument with my partner would escalate to the point of petty name calling over text. Yes OP what he said was offensive but your entire method of communication was off from the start. Your focusing on one aspect of a very dysfunctional interaction between two supposed adults. He could say sorry for using that word but it wouldn't solve the bigger problem.

Hairy Japanese BASTARDS!

I'm 29 and a man.

I call my gf a cunt during arguments and she calls me a prick and a multitude of other things.

At least we're honest with each other

grow some thick skin, OP.

Hannibal_Smith

Enough of the back and forth about whether you find a word offensive or not. It is off topic and of no help to the OP.

Kidchameleon

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I get the silent treatment for a whole day

To be quite honest, this is probably the worst thing in the whole situation. I think you are both equally guilty of name calling (c*nt & grow balls are both pretty bad) but the silent treatment is cowardly and a tactic of a bully. You are clearly not ignoring him & are trying to sort it out. I think people should have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to the silent treatment.

Anongirl306 wrote: »

To the person who suggested not bringing my phone to work - my role requires me to be in 3 WhatsApp chats that are active every day.

OK well put your partner's chat on silent for the day. There's a simple button for blocking conversations for a few hours. Have a look on Whatsapp. Tell your partner you will not be engaging in texting whilst you are in work. Alternatively, get yourself a separate work phone. My point is that you don't need to talk to your partner at work. If you need a clear head at work, you need to take responsibility for that & it is entirely your fault that your partner is bothering you at work.

Caranica

A relationship with communication issues like this is doomed. You can choose to fix it or cut your losses and run. Counseling has already been recommended on this thread, if you want to save the relationship it's a good idea.

Anongirl306

Thanks so much to everyone who posted constructive replies. I suggested counseling before and he said he wasn’t up for that. We’ll agree on communicating more effectively and then he’ll be in a mood with me because of something like I didn’t have dinner ready when he expected me too, if he made it the night before for example, even if I was busy and he wasn’t. Probably time for a make or break conversation

Neyite

I don't agree with name-calling at all. My experience is that long after you've forgotten what caused the argument you'll always remember being called something insulting. I don't think it adds anything to the argument except residual disrespect and bad feeling.

However, I don't think you are in the right here. He's avoidant. You are sulky. Neither of you have the ability to communicate as a couple.

You wanted to include questions of yours in his family quiz.
He told you it was already completed.

It should have ended there with you saying "let me know about the next round because I've some excellent ones"

From here, you need to apologise for your part, he needs to apologise for the name calling and you BOTH need to work on your communication.
So: No sulking, no name-calling, let him go ruminate over the situation if it means that he can formulate his feelings on it better. He agrees not to text you at work about it, but talk face to face with the common goal of finding out how to meet in the middle of the discussion and listening to how the other person feels and acknowledging those feelings. If tensions rise to the point it's becoming an argument again, shelve it until you are both ready to discuss it without anger or frustration.

Mrcaramelchoc

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Enough of the back and forth about whether you find a word offensive or not. It is off topic and of no help to the OP.

Its in the title of the thread and has everything to do with the ops problem.its not the only thing but it is within the topic.

Hannibal_Smith

Mrcaramelchoc wrote: »

Its in the title of the thread and has everything to do with the ops problem.its not the only thing but it is within the topic.

The OP is seeking advice on an issue that is impacting her. Not a discussion on how posters view the word. PI is not a discussion forum and posters are asked to offer advice to an OP when replying.

If you have an issue with Moderator Instruction, please do not discuss it in thread. This is also considered off topic posting. The charter can be found here.

Batgurl

I’ve read through the OP and all their subsequent responses and I’m still confused as to what advice they are looking for?

Do they want to know if they are justified in feeling upset for being called a ****?

Do they want advice on how to handle the partners behaviour?

Do they want objective opinions to know who was in the wrong?

We can discuss the who’s and why’s of this at length But it would be really helpful to know what we are supposed to be focusing on here.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I also agree with a lot of the posts here. You offered a round of quiz questions. He said no because presumably he had spent a good bit of time and put together a quiz of sufficient length and variety of questions. Another round was unnecessary in this instance. Instead of shrugging that off, and as Neyite above suggested, saying 'no bother if you're doing it again I can give you a few questions' you behaved petulantly and sulked. He tried to make peace by offering you to read out a round and you wouldn't. Was it because you were doing something else? Or was it because you didn't want to get involved in his stupid quiz if you weren't allowed add a round?!

He was wrong to continue the row via text.l the next morning. You were wrong to reply the way you did. He's wrong to now be avoiding you, but maybe he realises avoiding and not talking is the safest way forward at the moment because talking is only going to end up with more of the same.

You are focusing on one word which is really just distracting from the actual issue. Neither of you come out of this very well. And I assume this would be a regular wah you deal with conflict as a couple?

As you said, could be time for a make or break chat. Neither of you are making the other person happy.

Tork

This sounds like a terrible relationship and maybe it's time to reconsider whether being in it is the right thing to do. The name calling is the least of your worries. Getting the silent treatment over your phone alarm waking him up, comments about you not driving and the general way the two of you relate to each other are ringing alarm bells for me. No relationship is perfect and everyone has stories of when they or their OH behaved like a prize idiot over something simple. This seems to be an ongoing problem though and you're getting too caught up by this latest spat. Even if he refuses to go to counselling, I think you should. It might make things clearer for you...

cannotlogin

This is insane and no way for two adults to act.

If this is the damage a quiz causes, I hate to think how you deal with the bigger, important issues in life. You need to resolve it as if not it will only escalate in time & people who cannot regulate their emotions end up in very volatile and dangerous situations.

Whether or not you want to accept it, you completely overreacted over a relatively minor issue. He compounded it by also overreacting. What exactly were either of you trying to achieve?

Neither of you can effectively communicate with any sense of perspective, maturity or effectiveness. This is the real issue and where your focus should be rather than a "he was worse than me" approach.

KiKi III

“Have the balls to talk to me in person” is a pretty reasonable thing to say to someone you’ve been in a relationship with for five years. Especially when they’re being so passive aggressive as to try and resolve a conflict via text when she’s at work. Very reasonable request if poorly phrased.

If she had said “have the courage to talk to me in person”, would people feel differently?

Calling them a c*** repeatedly after being told your partner finds it disrespectful is awful. Horrible behaviour. Designed to hurt and belittle.

leggo

Did you ever see the Bill Burr stand-up routine about how when women realise they’re wrong it all becomes a big wind-up until the man snaps and calls them a c***, so now he’s wrong because he used that one particular word? I’m not even saying that’s true, but wow it absolutely nails this particular situation...

The reality is OP that you caused this situation. You made his family quiz that he’d been planning about you, first trying to get your round in, then getting sulky when he said no, then throwing his olive branch back in his face. His reaction was bad but he was also right to feel frustrated with you...because your behaviour was wrong. And while you’re very quick to talk about how you’ll take blame to us and how you could’ve done better with how you reacted, I get the feeling you didn’t say all of this to him or this probably wouldn’t have escalated. Also why did you bring up the fact that you work in healthcare? Be honest, did you think we’d all say “oh well then you’re a hero so you couldn’t possibly be wrong, **** that guy”? Even that suggests a trait where you’re trying to manipulate the situation and bring irrelevant outside stuff into it so you can skirt taking responsibility for when you’re wrong.

Again, his response wasn’t great, but I read this situation more like he took the bait. Again, you caused this situation, whether the word he used was worse or not and whether you work in healthcare or not. So for me you should be the one who starts the apologies here. If he doesn’t follow suit, fair enough, you’ve a right to feel aggrieved. But you can’t act like you did then get offended when that impacts another person and they react.

apple_ blossom

I don't understand how people can downplay the negative impact of name-calling, it is utterly disrespectful . I recognise my now ex partner in your your description of the incident, the sulking, ignoring for days, lousy temper; he called me a few things over the years, it was by no means frequent, but I haven't forgotten how it made me feel. I swore I'd never go down to that level, that if we both start using this sort of language that's definitely the end of us... You have every right to be hurt over his use of the C word. You say your relationship is mostly great, why don't you try to talk to him when things have settled and he is in a more amenable mode. I agree that the real issue is the lack of the right kind of communication. He doesn't know how to express himself properly , becomes overwhelmed with anger and frustration and ends up sulking and lashing out instead of verbalising what really bothers him to try to arrive at an understanding and change things for better . Maybe there's is something you can modify in your own reaction ? Have a proper heart to heart with each other and come clear on issues that may have been neglected over time .. Your style of arguing is so counterproductive , don't let it continue because it will erode all good will eventually. The ignoring and silent treatment are so immature and manipulative, is it to mete out punishment, to teach the other one a lesson, exert control over the situation? It's not healthy, unless you tackle it the relationship is not going to be a happy one .

KiKi III

leggo wrote: »

Did you ever see the Bill Burr stand-up routine about how when women realise they’re wrong it all becomes a big wind-up until the man snaps and calls them a c***, so now he’s wrong because he used that one particular word? I’m not even saying that’s true, but wow it absolutely nails this particular situation...

The reality is OP that you caused this situation. You made his family quiz that he’d been planning about you, first trying to get your round in, then getting sulky when he said no, then throwing his olive branch back in his face. His reaction was bad but he was also right to feel frustrated with you...because your behaviour was wrong. And while you’re very quick to talk about how you’ll take blame to us and how you could’ve done better with how you reacted, I get the feeling you didn’t say all of this to him or this probably wouldn’t have escalated. Also why did you bring up the fact that you work in healthcare? Be honest, did you think we’d all say “oh well then you’re a hero so you couldn’t possibly be wrong, **** that guy”? Even that suggests a trait where you’re trying to manipulate the situation and bring irrelevant outside stuff into it so you can skirt taking responsibility for when you’re wrong.

Again, his response wasn’t great, but I read this situation more like he took the bait. Again, you caused this situation, whether the word he used was worse or not and whether you work in healthcare or not. So for me you should be the one who starts the apologies here. If he doesn’t follow suit, fair enough, you’ve a right to feel aggrieved. But you can’t act like you did then get offended when that impacts another person and they react.

This post is ridiculous. It’s like you think he had no other options other than to call him a c***. She pointed out that it was ridiculous to text her at work to have an argument when they live together. Which it is. If it’s that easy to provoke him, he has anger issues.

TLDR: Don’t take relationship advice from Bill Burr.

She brought up that she works in healthcare because that is markedly different than texting someone who’s at work in an office or on the till at the local Spar.

screamer

There’s wrong on both sides here, and we’re only getting one side of the story, I’m always very aware of that on boards, and the other person has no say from their side...... so it’s hard to give constructive advise with a one sided story.

leggo

KiKi III wrote: »

It’s like you think he had no other options other than to call him a c***.

Didn’t say that...deflection.

TLDR: Don’t take relationship advice from Bill Burr.

Didn’t say that either, in fact I specifically said I don’t even believe the example to be true but it does describe this one situation to a tee (namely because it’s exactly what’s happening)...deflection.

She brought up that she works in healthcare because that is markedly different than texting someone who’s at work in an office or on the till at the local Spar.

Aaaand none of that has anything to do with the family quiz issue that caused all of this...deflection.

These kind of poor logical and communication examples - created by one person being unable to just say “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gotten sulky and realised it was your family’s quiz and not about me or my round” - are exactly how arguments like this escalate from nothing into this mess. If everyone just owns their own behaviour, names don’t get called. She caused this, she apologises first. He reacted badly, he should apologise then. Simple. Only a person absolutely allergic to admitting that they’re wrong would argue that two partners apologising and moving on is a bad solution.

KiKi III

leggo wrote: »

Didn’t say that...deflection.

Didn’t say that either, in fact I specifically said I don’t even believe the example to be true but it does describe this one situation to a tee (namely because it’s exactly what’s happening)...deflection.

Aaaand none of that has anything to do with the family quiz issue that caused all of this...deflection.

These kind of poor logical and communication examples - created by one person being unable to just say “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gotten sulky and realised it was your family’s quiz and not about me or my round” - are exactly how arguments like this escalate from nothing into this mess. If everyone just owns their own behaviour, names don’t get called. She caused this, she apologises first. He reacted badly, he should apologise then. Simple. Only a person absolutely allergic to admitting that they’re wrong would argue that two partners apologising and moving on is a bad solution.

I personally think that as the OP has already said, a make or break conversation should be very much on the cards.

The “she started it so she has to say sorry first” sounds like the advice of a seven year old. The person who escalated the situation, behaved passive aggressively, overreacted and brought in abusive language did far more wrong and as such should be seriously considering apologizing.

I think it’s childish to even be talking about who goes first, but if it’s an issue I think it should be the person who behaved most harmfully.

Sounds like the OP got into what I’d consider a bit of a silly tiff but the kind that happens between couples all the time and her partner responded horrendously.

leggo

You’re admonishing her partner for behaving passively aggressively while permitting the OP for sulking and refusing to participate in a quiz because she didn’t get to have her own section of it. What is that if not behaving passive aggressively?!?

This is an argument between two people who have communicated horribly. We cannot advise the OP’s partner to apologise because he’s not the person here talking to us, and the situation did begin with the OP’s bad behaviour, so yes it figures that she start the apologies because it’s the only thing we can advise that de-escalates the situation. But she’s also owed an apology too.

Arguments in a relationship aren’t a war where you have to play victim, prove the other person was ‘more wrong’ and ‘win’. That’s a toxic way to view a situation that’ll only lead to pointless ****shows like the one the OP is in where their partner is sleeping in the spare room because of a family Zoom quiz. They are a breakdown in communication where caring about and protecting the relationship and taking responsibility and accountability for your own role in creating the situation is how you healthily solve it. But by all means tell the OP to hold strong and wait for an apology she can’t control and let’s keep this mess going longer because you dislike a word. :rolleyes:

Big Bag of Chips

Posters are reminded that Personal Issues is an advice forum. Direct replies, containing advice, to the OP. It's her thread, talking about her rather than too her is the equivalent of having her standing in front of you arguing what she thinks whilst ignoring the fact she's actually present.

leggo and Kiki III, offer advice to the OP. Disagree with each other in the context of offering advice to the OP. If you wish to debate with each other take it off thread.

Tork

Reading back over your posts, your boyfriend comes across as an unpleasant bully. I'm not absolving you of any of the blame here because you've not covered yourself in glory either. But he seems to have a track record of blowing up over the sort of trivial things that happen in every household. Who hasn't been woken early by their partner's phone or alarm? What's going on about the sulks over his dinner not being ready when it was expected? You've mentioned his silent treatment and his moods. Do these dominate the way you live your life in the house?

Aside from that, if you can't deal effectively with such trivial events, how on earth do you expect to cope with real problems? He doesn't sound like someone who'd be a good father, for example. Or someone who'd be supportive if something happened and you couldn't work for a while. Is he your first serious boyfriend, by any chance?

Out of curiosity, does he behave towards his friends in this fashion? Would he sulk in work if he had to work through one of his breaks or take a later lunch? If not, why is it acceptable to do this at home?

Anongirl306

You’re all right, I was childish and I will apologize to him for that. Every night this week, he has locked the door of the spare room and is going about the house slamming doors shut etc so the atmosphere makes me reluctant to approach to apologize as I feel it won’t be a productive conversation.

Idle Passerby

Maybe rather than agonising over whose more wrong you should be asking yourself why you persist in such an unhealthy relationship?