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insight into crazy family situation needed

chris525

Basically, I was raised by my mother and maternal grandparents. My father wasn't really involved. I've never even had a conversation with him before.
He came around a few times when I was a kid but not enough for me to even know who he was when he came. Eg. 4,5, 9 and 17. That's it and zero contact in between.

He knew where we lived this whole time and every couple of years would phone my mother. It was usually in the middle of the night when my maternal grandfather and I were asleep e.x 11PM to 3AM.

I was told that my father got my mother pregnant, wanted her to abort, dumped her because she would not and then lied to her saying that my grandparents knew and were not interested. I was also told that he would not see me unless sex with my mother was on the table. My mother is kind of cruel to me as well so it's hard to say; I mean she should not have even told me any of this. My maternal grandparents were nice to me.

Last year I came into contact with my paternal grandparents.

Basically, I was told that they knew about me but were not interested.
I reached out to them looking for family medical info and genealogical info.
I'm getting older and the doctors are interested in my family medical history.

I didn't think it was a big deal to contact them for this purpose because I thought that they knew. I sent them a letter in the mail. It turns out that they didn't know about me.

Anyways, I was not expecting much when I reached out. They immediately wanted to take on the grandparent role in my life and that they were thrilled to hear from me.

They told me that they had a 'hunch' but didn't specifically know.

At first, I thought that this was great but a little suspicious. After several months of corresponding with them, I've developed a bond with them and they introduced me to a few of my cousins. I haven't met them in person yet. We live far away and they introduced me via email.

Unfortunately, this became very painful for me as I have begun to see what I have missed out on and have been excluded from. I didn't have a good childhood and all these cousins could have done me good.

I have 2 half-siblings who don't know about me but I knew about them. My father phoned my mother to tell her that he had a wife and 2 kids. I must have been about 14-16 at the time.

My father reached out to me when I was 17 but I rejected. I was very suspicious of his intentions and there were issues between my mother and I. I was finishing high school and was going to have my graduation ceremony soon and I didn't want my father to try to attend after being absent for 12 years with zero contact. It was not a final rejection but maybe he didn't know that. He had also phoned my mother to tell her that his wife and him were divorcing and he wanted to come and live with my mother.

So now I find myself in a tough situation. I've bonded with my grandparents so I can't back out now but it's so painful. They expressed sadness, anger and disappointment. I'm unable to discuss the situation with them; it becomes too emotional for everyone. They tried to talk to my father about it and he refused to enter into a conversation about this situation twice.

They said that they are too afraid to talk to my half-siblings about this, as we have been in contact for a year now. (They are keeping this a secret too!)

There are issues between my father and his kids (he doesn't see my half-sister anymore because he wasn't a good dad to her). There are also issues with his ex-wife.
So they cannot just go in and tell them. My grandparents said that they haven't seen my half-siblings in over 2 years now because of the issues with the controlling ex-wife (they had a psychologist evaluate her!!). My half-sister is 16 or 17 and my half-brother is 18 or 19.

I don't know what to do.

It's very weird that my father would tell my mother about his children and try to reach out yet not want to talk now. He didn't say that he didn't ever want to talk to me; he just remains silent and won't discuss anything with anyone.
I've bonded with my grandparents and can't back out now. They seem committed to being in my life. They've sent me gifts etc. $2000
My half-siblings have Facebook but don't go on there very often. If I sent them a message it could just hang there for months.
My grandparents are elderly 85 and I don't want to burden them but I can't even share my side of the story with them.
My grandparents want my father and I to reconcile. I can't reconcile with someone who won't communicate. What if we don't want to or can't reconcile?

They seem very loyal to him but he's just a huge coward and a deadbeat dad to me. Can I realistically have a relationship with people who are loyal to him? Also, it's clear that he's too cowardly to own up so I don't think it's possible for us to reconcile. Why would they have that agenda in their mind?

I don't know what the future is here.

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Idle Passerby

You hit the nail on the head when you said your dad was a deadbeat. He sounds like a user plain and simple. He got in touch with your mum to tell her about his new family and it's breakdown because he hoped she'd be naive enough to take him back and give him somewhere to stay. It sounds like he only ever got in touch when it suited him and otherwise had no interest in you. There's no mystery there, a man who says he'll only have a relationship with his own child on the condition there's sex with her mother is not a decent person. The fact he's estranged from his other daughter and ex wife reinforces that. He's no good.

Your half siblings are still quite young, still in their teens, maybe they just aren't ready to confront the shared history with your dad. Leave them to come to you if/when they become ready.

Your grandparents seem like nice people who want you in their lives, it would be a shame to reject that. They can't help that their son is an asshole. I'm sure they still love him and hope for the best regardless of how unlikely that might be. Could you continue to have a relationship with them while accepting that you are unlikely to ever reconcile with your dad? It might be no harm to be open with your grandparents regarding how difficult it is for you to accept how your dad treated you and continues to ignore you. You can't dictate who others are loyal to but if they are reasonable people it won't be a surprise to them that it's been tough on you. Just bear in mind there probably isn't much they can do to change your dad or how he behaves. Best of luck!

Princess Calla

You have posted about this before so I'm not sure what additional advice you are looking for.

Your dad sounds like a user and saw your mum as a soft touch when it suited him.

There are many children brought up without their dad and miss out on the fathers side of the family, it's unfortunate but happens...... I was brought up with both parents and I still have cousins I've never met.... Family dynamics are weird creatures, so there's no point in wondering what might have been.

Regarding your grandparents... This has been discussed before... Your dad will always be their little boy... I'd imagine they are a little disappointed in the decisions he has made but he's still their son and they will still love him..... If you want to have a relationship with your grandparents parents have one, but don't expect them to disown their son.

chris525

Idle Passerby wrote: »

You hit the nail on the head when you said your dad was a deadbeat. He sounds like a user plain and simple. He got in touch with your mum to tell her about his new family and it's breakdown because he hoped she'd be naive enough to take him back and give him somewhere to stay. It sounds like he only ever got in touch when it suited him and otherwise had no interest in you. There's no mystery there, a man who says he'll only have a relationship with his own child on the condition there's sex with her mother is not a decent person. The fact he's estranged from his other daughter and ex wife reinforces that. He's no good.

Your half siblings are still quite young, still in their teens, maybe they just aren't ready to confront the shared history with your dad. Leave them to come to you if/when they become ready.

Your grandparents seem like nice people who want you in their lives, it would be a shame to reject that. They can't help that their son is an asshole. I'm sure they still love him and hope for the best regardless of how unlikely that might be. Could you continue to have a relationship with them while accepting that you are unlikely to ever reconcile with your dad? It might be no harm to be open with your grandparents regarding how difficult it is for you to accept how your dad treated you and continues to ignore you. You can't dictate who others are loyal to but if they are reasonable people it won't be a surprise to them that it's been tough on you. Just bear in mind there probably isn't much they can do to change your dad or how he behaves. Best of luck!

I understand that they cannot disown their son. Blood is thicker than water but I don't like it! My mother has been awful to me at times and I did not speak to her for 6+ months at a time. We are not close and I do not have rosy-coloured glasses of her. My grandparents seem to have a fantasy about who my father is for some reason.

I guess the issue that I have is that I cannot even share my side of the story with them. I cannot reconcile with someone if we cannot communicate. He refuses to and they won't hear me out so it's kind of a lost cause. Also, I'm not terribly interested in reconciling at this point in time. I rejected him at age 17 as well. My grandparents seem to want us to but it's not necessarily possible.

RE: half-siblings
They don't know I exist yet. I know one of them being 16 or 17 and still living with their mother is going to make it harder to tell them. My grandparents said they are keeping this a secret because my father's ex-wife might no longer wish for them to see my grandparents if they tell them. There seems to be issues there.

I guess the age of my grandparents is also causing me to feel haste. I was going to visit them this May but could not due to COVID. I might need to meet them without my half-siblings knowing.

My grandparents are afraid that my half-brother will not want to see my father anymore after he finds out. Well, it's not really my problem. he obviously wasn't good to my half-sister if she won't see him anymore.

My grandparents blame his ex-wife for that and they don't seem to be able to think of it as my father's fault for being a bad dad.

cannotlogin

I wouldn't be too hard on your grandparents,they are just trying to have a good relationship with you, your father & your half siblings. They understandably want the best outcome for then.

You don't have to agree with their view of your father & just leave all conversation about him out of it or limit it to as much as is possible.

Regarding your half siblings, it might be best to wait until they are 18. They may even know or at least their mother might. Let it until they are adults and they can make up their own mind then.

qwerty13

I don’t mean to be cruel, but you’ve had many many threads on the same topic. What have YOU done to contribute to any change?

You may not like it, but your grandparents have set out their position / conditions. You maybe not like their views - but they’ve told you what it is. Repeatedly. So you can choose to accept or reject their position.

You can keep battering your head against the ‘no one is doing what I want them to do’, or you can start compromising, and learn to accept that you’re not the only one who has had a difficult time in all this. If you don’t do this, you’re going to go around and around in circles for ever.

chris525

qwerty13 wrote: »

I don’t mean to be cruel, but you’ve had many many threads on the same topic. What have YOU done to contribute to any change?

You may not like it, but your grandparents have set out their position / conditions. You maybe not like their views - but they’ve told you what it is. Repeatedly. So you can choose to accept or reject their position.

You can keep battering your head against the ‘no one is doing what I want them to do’, or you can start compromising, and learn to accept that you’re not the only one who has had a difficult time in all this. If you don’t do this, you’re going to go around and around in circles for ever.

Well, I don't understand what exactly it is my grandparents are trying to achieve here. We are complete strangers and when we meet in person we might not even like each other. It's the reality.

It's obviously not difficult for them if they are just going to side with my father.

I never once indicated that I wanted to reconcile with my father. They want that.

I feel that they are being controlling and trying to control the outcome. I don't like that. I can't even communicate with them about my side of the story.

I guess my motive is to punish my father. He didn't pay child maintenance for the 18 years so I'd like to sue him in some way.

This situation was created by my father. He could be the one to step up and fix it; he obviously won't.

chris525

cannotlogin wrote: »

I wouldn't be too hard on your grandparents,they are just trying to have a good relationship with you, your father & your half siblings. They understandably want the best outcome for then.

You don't have to agree with their view of your father & just leave all conversation about him out of it or limit it to as much as is possible.

Regarding your half siblings, it might be best to wait until they are 18. They may even know or at least their mother might. Let it until they are adults and they can make up their own mind then.

I guess I feel that they are being too lenient on my father after what he has done. He should be punished.

They are too appeasing and too excusing of him.

I don't think I can accept that.

chris525

Loveinapril wrote: »

Well then there is your answer. You are angry with your father, you can't change his absenteeism. You are angry with your grandparents, you can't change their unconditional love for their son. All you can change is your ability to either accept that this is the reality or not. If you can't accept it, then you need to leave it alone. You have started many threads on this, and the responses are always similar, telling you to stop contact. It seems to be causing you a lot of stress.

Well why is no one going to punish him?

chris525

Loveinapril wrote: »

Well then there is your answer. You are angry with your father, you can't change his absenteeism. You are angry with your grandparents, you can't change their unconditional love for their son. All you can change is your ability to either accept that this is the reality or not. If you can't accept it, then you need to leave it alone. You have started many threads on this, and the responses are always similar, telling you to stop contact. It seems to be causing you a lot of stress.

Also, they have sent me large sums of money. It's still in the post. I didn't want it from them but they sent it anyways.

chris525

Loveinapril wrote: »

Because they don't want to. Why don't they want to? Because he is their child/ "people make mistakes"/ they don't know you, etc. etc. There could be ANY reason but it is not going to change the fact that they aren't really affected by the fact that he did not parent you.

But then they should stop this game. Stop sending me money, stop calling me, stop the BS

That's a very selfish view to have that it doesn't really affect them. Sounds like appeasing and excusing.

What about me? What about how much this has damaged me?

Hannibal_Smith

Chris525, you said before you're seeing a counsellor in relation to your situation, which is good.

It's good that you have built up a relationship with your grandparents. But their relationship with you, isn't going to negate their relationship with their son.

If they only found out you existed, they have already put two and two together and realised their son never told them about you. Harsh as that may be to accept, it hasn't changed their relationship with their son

You and your father's relationship is separate to your grandparents relationship with him. You really need to work with your counsellor in coming to terms with this.

chris525

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Chris525, you said before you're seeing a counsellor in relation to your situation, which is good.

It's good that you have built up a relationship with your grandparents. But their relationship with you, isn't going to negate their relationship with their son.

If they only found out you existed, they have already put two and two together and realised their son never told them about you. Harsh as that may be to accept, it hasn't changed their relationship with their son

You and your father's relationship is separate to your grandparents relationship with him. You really need to work with your counsellor in coming to terms with this.

The counsellor I was seeing did not help me at all.

I don't think that I can come to terms with this.

Who is going to pay the 18 years of child maintenance?

Hannibal_Smith

chris525 wrote: »

But then they should stop this game. Stop sending me money, stop calling me, stop the BS

That's a very selfish view to have that it doesn't really affect them. Sounds like appeasing and excusing.

What about me? What about how much this has damaged me?

OP, you've asked for insight in dealing with a crazy family situation. But at the same time it sounds like you want to remain angry, or at least have your anger recognised as the most significant issue.

This is all ancient history to everyone. You're an adult now, with children of your own and you're holding on to an anger that is only causing you pain.

Is your want here to get past the anger and move on with hour life, or to have everyone become as angry?

chris525

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

OP, you've asked for insight in dealing with a crazy family situation. But at the same time it sounds like you want to remain angry, or at least have your anger recognised as the most significant issue.

This is all ancient history to everyone. You're an adult now, with children of your own and you're holding on to an anger that is only causing you pain.

Is your want here to get past the anger and move on with hour life, or to have everyone become as angry?

I can't believe that this man got away with what he did to me scott-free.

His family isn't going to disown him, I never got provided for.

What is going to happen for ME?

Hannibal_Smith

chris525 wrote: »

The counsellor I was seeing did not help me at all.

I don't think that I can come to terms with this.

Who is going to pay the 18 years of child maintenance?

The child maintenance is payable from parent to parent to pay for the day to day upkeep of the child. So it would be your mother who would be due the payment. As she hasn't claimed it, and you are an adult, I would imagine it would be statute barred at this stage?

chris525

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

The child maintenance is payable from parent to parent to pay for the day to day upkeep of the child. So it would be your mother who would be due the payment. As she hasn't claimed it, and you are an adult, I would imagine it would be statute barred at this stage?

Once again, this man got away with what he did scott-free.

Hannibal_Smith

chris525 wrote: »

I can't believe that this man got away with what he did to me scott-free.

His family isn't going to disown him, I never got provided for.

What is going to happen for ME?

What happens for you, is your decision. Your mother was treated horrendously too, going by your opening post.

It's not a nice situation, but there are a myriad of issues and relationships at play here, not just yours.

What's happened for you is, you've found grandparents who care for you and have sent you substantial gifts. That's important to acknowledge.

chris525

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

What happens for you, is your decision. Your mother was treated horrendously too, going by your opening post.

It's not a nice situation, but there are a myriad of issues and relationships at play here, not just yours.

What's happened for you is, you've found grandparents who care for you and have sent you substantial gifts. That's important to acknowledge.

I don't want their gifts. I want my father to be punished.

chris525

Loveinapril wrote: »

That is not going to happen. What are you going to do now?

I could try to sue him.

Hannibal_Smith

chris525 wrote: »

I could try to sue him.

If that's the course of action you wish to take, no one here can give legal advice. You should contact your solicitor and seek their advice.

chris525

qwerty13 wrote: »

I don’t mean to be cruel, but you’ve had many many threads on the same topic. What have YOU done to contribute to any change?

You may not like it, but your grandparents have set out their position / conditions. You maybe not like their views - but they’ve told you what it is. Repeatedly. So you can choose to accept or reject their position.

You can keep battering your head against the ‘no one is doing what I want them to do’, or you can start compromising, and learn to accept that you’re not the only one who has had a difficult time in all this. If you don’t do this, you’re going to go around and around in circles for ever.

I would still like this poster to explain how this is difficult for them.

Caranica

chris525 wrote: »

I would still like this poster to explain how this is difficult for them.

You haven't answered their question though. You've had many threads on your situation, people give their time and experience and you just come back and ask the same thing a few months later. What have you done?

A blood connection to someone should be treasured but not everyone does. Some parents do horrible things to their children. What your father did is nowhere near the worst. You can't change the past, you can only influence your present and future. This needs professional help, the anger seen in previous threads is just as visible in this one.

ztoical

chris525 wrote: »

I could try to sue him.

For what? Being a deadbeat dad? Say you do sue him and somehow get a ruling in your favor what then, what does that get you? You think his parents will then turn against him? It won't get you the closure you seem to think it will OP.

Sorry OP that's not going to happen and you need to focus on yourself and get help for all the anger you've built up inside. It's not healthy and if you continue to focus so much on your father you are not only going to drag yourself down into a spiral but all those around you. Do you want your own kids to be surrounded by so much anger? I really worry about you contacting your half siblings and finding they don't hold the same hatred you do towards your father and that leading to even more spiraling. Either accept the relationship you have with your grandparents as is or cut all contact. You aren't going to get the big public shamming you are after OP, they are going to march your father through the streets screaming he is a looser and even if they did it would last only minute then he'd go back to his life and you'd be left just a very anger person.

If you tired a therapy and it didn't help then try someone else and if that doesn't help try someone else. It's not one size fits all and you could have to speak to several before finding one that suits BUT it only works if you are willing to listen and if all you want is for people to agree with you on your obsession with revenge its not going to help you. You can either focus on being a better person regardless of either of your parents and being a role model for your own kids or you can stay bitter and anger for the rest of your life and we can have posts from your kids in this forum on how they should deal with you.

tara73

I get you are very angry with your father OP, and rightly so. But as said, you had many threads here and nothing we say seems to help.

now you're thinking of suing your dad? for what? for being an a**hole and being absent? it might be a pity in many cases, but that's no illegality to sue someone. He just wasn't there as far as I understand, but he didn't abuse you physically or anything like that.

look, I've very difficult parents they behaved and still behave like sh** in many ways, I most probably will not be on good terms (no contact at all) with them when they die, and can you imagine how hard that is? But you know what? I have to accept that. they are like they are, I am like I am and that's the way it is. I can't change them and make them act like I want to. The only thing I can do is to distance myself from them because I don't want to give them the opportunity to hurt me any further and I actually want to protect myself from saying anything hard to them also because I don't want to make it worse than it is.

You seem obsessed with your family issues or what you make of it instead of concentrating on your own happiness without them. I know you have kids, why don't you concentrate on their wellbeing (not saying you don't do it already), but you have a task in your life, give them a good childhood , make that your priority instead of wasting your energy with some bad mannered or manipulative relatives.

dou you have any interests, hobbies, sommething you always wanted to do? do it, it will give you also a great distraction and satisfaction for yourself.

I would also strongly recommend to start councelling again with someone you trust and can help you. You have to try a few, most of the time the first one isn't the one for you but with a bit of patience you'll find someone.

chris525

ztoical wrote: »

For what? Being a deadbeat dad? Say you do sue him and somehow get a ruling in your favor what then, what does that get you?

Well, I wasn't looking for a relationship with his side of the family. They chose to do that. They sucked me in and at first I thought I could deal with it but now I can't. It's going to be hard to back out now because I bonded with them but I can't see how this is going to work out.

This isn't a good place for me but a part of me feels like my father is kind of winning if I go away. Like if I stick around then he hasn't won the war.

I don't understand how anyone can be loyal to a deadbeat dad. If my son did that I would not think highly of him at all and would not feel loving towards him.

Neyite

chris525 wrote: »

I would still like this poster to explain how this is difficult for them.

With respect, you've demonstrated zero awareness of anyone else's feelings in this matter so even if people do take the time to explain it to you, I doubt you'll take it on board. But hey, I'll give it a go.

You have a tenous relationship with your paternal grandparents. You've not even met them in person yet you want them to punish your father. What you want is a fantasy. You want to be brought into the fold like the long lost granddaughter and celebrated. And you want him cast out of the family entirely.

So here's the thing. You can't control other people's actions. You can't dictate that a family (you've never met and have zero connection with other than dna) cast out someone. So, now you know that you've a few choices:
a) tell your grandparents that your relationship is conditional on them disowning their son, which will likely result in them regretfully cutting contact with you - which will lead to MORE issues of rejection on your part.
b) cultivate a relationship with your grandparents with the understanding that there's complicated family drama, and it's not their job to tear their extended family apart because you want them to.

But either way, your both options above are dependent on you pursuing your vendetta against your father. If you want to sue him (not sure what for) then you realistically can kiss any form of relationship with anyone on that side of the family goodbye.

chris525

tara73 wrote: »

I get you are very angry with your father OP, and rightly so. But as said, you had many threads here and nothing we say seems to help.

I'm obsessed with my family problems because I want to fix it. I want it sorted. It also gives me something to think about and to be on my mind.

My husband's family isn't what I want. I can't relate to them at all and don't enjoy their company yet they live down the road. I get bored at family functions. I'm not from Ireland and I don't really like the way that people socialize here. My husband refuses to move elsewhere that's more my speed and I can't just leave.

It's not that I didn't want kids it's just that I wanted to raise them in a very different way than my husband does. I wanted them to have a nanny and a lot of extra-curricular activities. He wants them to be home all the time.

I don't know how to drive and I'm not interested in cars but where my husband has chosen for us to live it's hard to do anything without a car.

I've spent a lot of money on university but I also find my office job boring mostly because I haven't found any work friends or people at work that I really enjoy. I like to be able to express my feelings, ideas and say what I think without some fragile egos getting in the way. It's also a cultural difference.

chris525

Neyite wrote: »

You have a tenous relationship with your paternal grandparents. You've not even met them in person yet you want them to punish your father. What you want is a fantasy. You want to be brought into the fold like the long lost granddaughter and celebrated. And you want him cast out of the family entirely.

They have already brought me into the fold like a long lost granddaughter to be celebrated. We haven't even met yet and they sent me large sums of money. This is causing me pain.

Rather than them viewing me like a stranger they haven't met yet, they decided to take on the grandparent role. This is causing me pain.

They have a fantasy of my father and I reconciling. I don't know where this came from as I never once indicated that I wanted to.

I would prefer it if they just treated me like the stranger that I am and cool it until we have met.

Hannibal_Smith

chris525 wrote: »

Well, I wasn't looking for a relationship with his side of the family. They chose to do that. They sucked me in and at first I thought I could deal with it but now I can't. It's going to be hard to back out now because I bonded with them but I can't see how this is going to work out.

This isn't a good place for me but a part of me feels like my father is kind of winning if I go away. Like if I stick around then he hasn't won the war.

I don't understand how anyone can be loyal to a deadbeat dad. If my son did that I would not think highly of him at all and would not feel loving towards him.

They bonded with you and you bonded with them. No one was hoodwinked or tricked. Bonding with them is a positive thing and despite not knowing you, they seem to have been very nice to you. Again, that's a good thing.

The problem is that your focus is on punishing your dad, having everyone hear your side and as a result of that turn against him. The focus is so strong it is blanking out any good.

If my son got someone pregnant and turned their back on their kid, I would absolutely be furious and march him right up to the house and face his responsibilities.

But its too late for that. It happened, nothing can change it. It would take something very strong for me to disown my son. If they disowned their child and I disowned him, it would make me just as bad as him.

You don't really know the conversation your father and your mum had at the time. Its a really lousy thing he did on you and I get you must feel that your hurt is being brushed under the carpet. But it sounds like your grandparents are trying to ease things for you. That's a good thing.

If its too hard to have a relationship with your grandparents you don't have to continue with it but don't punish them and yourself by denying yourselves a positive relationship because of what your father did. They are allowed to love their son and not like what he did. They were denied something too.

Idle Passerby

All of your various posts paint you as a deeply unhappy and angry person. Is there any aspect of your life you get pleasure from? Because you seem dissatisfied with absolutely everything. At the end of the day it's up to you to make yourself happy and it's never going to happen if you insist on obsessing over negatives and insisting that it's everyone else's responsibility to solve your problems.

I suspect your counselling didn't help because you refused to be open to the idea that you need to help yourself. The best revenge is a life well lived as they say.