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When does the joy come?

LegacyUser

I have a 10 week old baby. The last 10 weeks have been fleeting glimpses of joy, but 95% depressing, hard work... and I'm only the father, the baby's mother is doing more of the work as I'm working (albeit from home lately). I don't know how she's doing as well as she is, but she's really starting to struggle now too, especially with the Covid-19 lockdown measures meaning no family, friends, no support. My job is very demanding and time consuming.

The baby is fussy, cries an awful lot, will not settle for dad, only mam. Is on prescribed medication for reflux.

I feel so selfish but I would love to disappear for a week and escape it (I'm not going to go anywhere! just fantasy!). It's our first child. I can't fathom how people have more than one, but it must get better.

I guess I'm asking people to share stories of if they found it hard, and at what point it got easier, or if it ever does. I know there are a thousand variables here and comparison is pointless, what works for one baby doesn't the next etc, but I am feeling very low and need to see some light at the end of the tunnel here.

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Moonbeam

Going for walks can help mammy and baby,a good baby sling can help.
Does baby sleep in a cot? if so raising the top of the cot or basket can help with reflux so the are at a slight angle,mammy should nap when baby does.
Tell mammy to worry about nothing other then the baby and herself, I found it so hard getting anything else done and when you stop worrying about it ,it really helps.
It is hard but you can do it:)
It does get easier, I promise but some babies require more attention then others and all parents are different in how they deal with and handle babies.

migozarad

The joy comes when they turn 18 and move out.

lalababa

Babies are difficult up to 6 months with the night feeding. They get cuter as time goes on. Did you ever have a pet dog/cat? They're cute when they can crawl around and make funny noises. Do you have a garden shed?

lozenges

No experience with babies unfortunately but if you are feeling really low don't hesitate to pick up the phone to your GP. Fathers can get post-natal depression too!

Alternatively if you have health insurance you may have cover for some form of counselling, many services are carrying this out online currently.

Sometimes it really helps just to have a chat with someone, and the better state you are in the better you will be able to support your partner and baby.

Baybay

You’re right, it’s not easy for any of you! None of you have ever done before what you’re doing now. And it’s relentless. Drudgery. Babies do the same things all day every day. Take advantage of it & soon the good stuff, the eye contact, the smiles, the gripping of your finger, will be it’s own reward. Small things but heart rocking.
By taking advantage I mean perhaps you could try to change as many nappies as you can, night or day. It’ll give your partner a five minute recharge if she’s doing most of the rest of the care. Plus you can talk to baby, say anything as it’s now your one on one time. And let no one tell you that you are just the dad.
Take the baby for a walk, take a bath with baby (or maybe that’s contra indicated now, it’s been a while since mine were small!) take baby out to the garden to touch a flower. Anything really that facilitates interaction, gives your partner a breather & perhaps also allows you a break from work. Maybe you’d stop & exchange pleasantries with a colleague while getting a coffee etc at work, do likewise with this baby!
Also, remember it’s like any new job you start. You knew enough to get the role but now your on the job training is on a vertical track. The payback will definitely be worth it down the line. That first dada is... well you’ll see!

ted1

are you having skin to Skin contact with the baby?

it helps you bond with the baby.

https://nuroobaby.com/skin-to-skin/the-benefits-of-skin-to-skin-contact-between-dad-baby/

is your wife feeding the baby? While it's better for the baby it's also tougher for the father as you are more sidelined and the babies forming a bond with the mother that you can't do. As the baby weans your bond will grow, the baby will also become more interactive and fun.

what you can do is wind the baby if it needs it, putting baby on your shoulder an walking up and down the stairs or putting baby on your knee.

Dr Turk Turkelton

lalababa wrote: »

Babies are difficult up to 6 months with the night feeding. They get cuter as time goes on. Did you ever have a pet dog/cat? They're cute when they can crawl around and make funny noises. Do you have a garden shed?

So you're saying to stick the baby in the garden shed?
Fantastic idea!

Princess Calla

It's really hard work. Sleep deprivation is used as a torture method as it works... That blissful second as you are about to drift off and boom the baby is crying again

The first few months is all about survival, do what you need to do to get through the day. Don't compare yourself to others, definitely don't listen to parents who say their child slept through the night from day one.

Our first was a really poor sleeper king of the five minute catnaps.... Would only settle in our arms, would only sleep in our bed (yes I'm aware of the risks but needs must) they were 3 when they finally settled in their own bed... Coincidentally the night I went into labour on the second... I think they sensed it.

The second is the polar opposite, a very chilled happy child. Of course we had night feeds but they'd feed and settle really fast. 2 years on and they've never slept in our bed.

I thought more about running away on my first than anytime in my life, only for I was too bloody knackered to drive.

The hard work remains but it does get easier. At this stage everything is a phase some are better than others.

Be kind to yourself and your partner... Guaranteed she's feeling everything you are... I think it can be abit harder on dad's as its a sudden big bang change, their life literally changes overnight when the baby comes home. For women, we've had 9 months of changes, of shifting perceptions, disturbed sleeps etc.

Being new parents is difficult at the best of times, you are doing it in the middle of a pandemic! Guaranteed you are doing great

TheValeyard

Its definitely a lot of hard work, sleepless nights, fear over the slightest cough, etc.

For the first few months for a guy (if the baby is breastfed) all we can really do is dress the baby, change nappies, try keep the house clean, try stay awake and not have our brain turn to mush.

But it does get a lot easier. The joy comes as you become more involved as the baby gets older. Helping him/her crawl, take those first steps, making you laugh with their bizarre questions and thoughts. It gets really fun when their personality starts to emerge, help them with drawing, playing games, watching some tv together or telling bed time stories.

Also, dont feel guilty we all at some stage find ourselves imagining ourselves escaping on a plane to a warm tropical island to relax and actually sleep for a while.

John_Rambo

We have a Coronavirus baby here too, similar age but thankfully settling in to a rhythm well, we have older kids too.

The only thing you can is run the house like a high end hotel service for your wife. Have the place spotless at all times, cook excellent, nutritious meals, keep the fridge stocked with whatever she fancies and have clean sheets on the bed every third day.

Consider sleeping in the spare room to give wife and baby more room and have you prepared and bushy tailed to take over and bring baby out for a walk so your wife can rest during the day. Being tired is like being drunk, sometimes it's better to have only one drunk (tired) person and one sober (not tired) person looking after baby instead of two wrecked parents.

The joy could arrive tomorrow, the colic is probably at it's peak now and will hopefully begin to subside.

Keep the head up, pretend you know EXACTLY what you're doing and take control of the house. Best of luck.

Lisha

You sound very similar to my husband op. Believe me it does get better. It’s too easy for Mother and baby to feel like a complete unit in itself and then there’s Daddy. As others have said maybe discuss taking on a role/job yourself. Be it story time or bath time. My husband used to love lying back in couch and having baby sleep on him. Used to drive me mad as baby would wake when moved but I learned to shut up. And enjoy it.
Talk to the baby, be it gibberish or read from a newspaper you are looking at. I used to run out of things to say so I’d read nursery rhymes. Babies love repetition. Show baby the trees outside, the birds just talk what you see.
My husband would definitely say that as baby interacted more he felt more involved. So all the best times are ahead of you.
Do encourage your wife to go fir walk or sleep and let you alone with baby. Then you will start yo see baby’s personality . Then you will see what all fuss is about.
I feel for anyone having babies at this time it’s definitely very hard and the joy of a simple walk has been replaced by fear.
I used to love doing groceries on my own but that’s not a joy at the moment.

Best of luck op. Don’t be afraid yo discuss with your gp any of your feelings. Current times are so strange that we are all fragile in so many ways.

whiskeyman

It's hard.
Very hard.
The lack of sleep was a killer.

Is your little one sleeping through the night at all?
That was a major breakthrough for us.
Things seemed to get that little bit easier after 3 months in, so hopefully little things come your way.

Most important thing - go easy on yourself.
Get ready meals / treat yourself where possible. Make life as easy as possible.
Could you take any holidays? Even the odd day off to help?

You'll get through this. You mightn't think it, but you are doing great. Don't think every other dad is having a super time. So many of them go through phases.

looksee

I wish someone had mentioned to me many years ago when I was dealing with a screamer that sometimes cows milk based formula isn't suitable for all babies and she might have been dairy intolerant. She was, took us years to find out.

That is not advice, its just a thought that I am throwing out there. If your baby is breastfed then of course you can ignore any thoughts of mine.

Otherwise, babies can pick up tension like radio waves. It really isn't all that difficult to raise a baby, people have been doing it for years, and up to recently without all the theories and regulations that now abound. Try not to worry about what you are 'supposed' to do, just keep on being interested and doing as much as you feel happy with, and as the others have said, support your wife. Don't feel guilty. Be happy to muddle through, the house will survive and the big advantage is that no-one else can see it at the moment!

shesty

Ok...it takes 12 weeks to make a mammy.
I read that somewhere and my god it is true. Google the fourth trimester.You are just...just at the end of it.

Around 12 weeks, a little personality starts to come out!!The giggles happen and the real interest in the world.

But I will be honest, parents need lots of help and support and you are in a very rough time right now with the world as it is.Is the baby breastfed?Does your wife go to any BF groups?

Our first was a nightmare.Screaming herself purple for 4-5 hours every single evening up to about 12 weeks.It nearly finished us.Silent reflux, she was on medication for it.What I learned on my subsequent 2 babies, I wish I had known for her.And any parent will tell you that.Your first makes you a parent, but by god it is hard.It is a massive change for a man and sometimes it can be an awful lot to handle.And sleep is just key....if it teaches you anything, it teaches you how badly you need sleep, you can do anything with a night's sleep and no sleep makes every 100 times harder.

Also there is a huge change to your life as an adult.Kids slow you way down, bring you back to basics, and it takes a lot of adjustment.I know my husband has struggled a lot with that.I do myself sometimes.You can't just up and do what you want whenever you want.You have to take the child into account and it's a big change.Even now, all the people sitting at home saying sure we are just being asked to sit on sofas, and watch Netflix, why can't we all just do it....yeah, if you don't have kids, great.If you do...there are no sofas and Netflix.

I suppose I would say that you are in a very unfortunate time for this.But please tell yourself it will not last forever.You will need a hobby, something for as an adult a night or 2 a week.For starters.Secondly, support your wife, she will need a hobby too.Thirdly...time is huge.Babies take their time and you will need to sit and learn how to do that too I suppose.And finally, if it IS too much for you, do not be afraid to pick up the phone, and chat to someone.Women tend to have loads of support, and are better are surrounding themselves with help than men.You need that support too and there is no shame in asking for it.

fits

OP its a major major adjustment for you both to have a new baby in the house so go easy on yourself. One thing you could do is a bit of skin to skin - it really does help with the bonding.

Colic is really really hard. I had twins one of whom was an easy baby and one was super unsettled. I often say it would be easier to have settled twins than one colicky baby - it is so so hard. One thing about twins was that it made me take the easier road rather than try to be a perfect parent. So just follow baby's lead and interactions will begin to come soon.

Might be no harm to avail of counselling if you can although I've never tried it so cant speak to whether it helps.

bee06

It does get easier! But it will also get hard in other ways to be honest. Now is a particularly hard time to be the parent of an infant. We have a 5 week old and a 2 year old and Jesus it’s hard adjusting to 2 but we have a confidence that we didn’t have the first time round that makes the isolation easier. I also know that while it’s hard now the baby will sleep better at some stage, the 2 year old will stop waking at 5am and trying to love the baby to death and I will get to leave the house! Everything it just a phase.

Feisar

Father of a ten month old boy here.

My wife had an emergency section that I wasn't let in for. After an eternity in the corridor they wheeling him out to me and told me herself was gone to recovery. He was handed to me in the most stressful moment of my life. We got home after a week and my wife couldn't lift him due to the section so it was my job to do a lot of the work. No bother, team effort and all that. As time went on and I went back to work and she was on paternity leave (civil service so loads!) I didn't really bond at all. I raised this with herself (don't do this), she wasn't happy and started telling him how she'd look after him etc. It created a wee divide for want of a better phrase. I'd come home after being abroad for a couple of nights and it was like there as another faction in the house. I'm wording that a bit strongly however do you get my point? I adopted a fake it till you make it approach with him as I didn't want my lack of emotional connection effecting him. It must have worked as he was always "daddy's boy". Anyway, I'm now home due to covid 19 and herself is working. I've noticed a difference in things between us. I always made time to play with him but there's a look I get now that wasn't there before. A silly game developed early enough where he'd stick his hand in my mouth and i'd bit his finger, he'd pull back only to reach his hand out again. Game playing has increased a lot, I read to him etc. He's bouncing in his high chair to baby shark, all the usual stuff.

I don't think I'll ever be the dotting daddy type but getting there. Dad's not bonding is a thing though, do a bit of research on it.

shesty

Actually I will say that....as a first time mum,you can be a bit do it my way or it's wrong.My own husband said to me a few times, what way do you do xyz, and I remember saying to him after a certain point, don't worry about my way of doing everything, you have to figure out your way.It is early days yet for that conversation but it's time will come.

Fleetwoodmac

My heart goes out to you OP.. ideally family and friends would be able to call and give ye a break or even a distraction. We all assume we will fall hopelessly in love with our babies but it can be more of a gradual love rather than immediate. Firstly, it will most definitely get better, there is light. When they start to interact with you and do new things everyday, then that drudgery groundhog feeling is easier to tolerate. Colic & reflux is a huge test to patience... one of mine would cry solidly for an hour everyday, a pharmacist made up an old concoction that worked wonders, the only other thing that settled her was the sound of the hoover (!) And baby massage. But It tested our relationship and we both needed to find patience and biting our tongue alot! But we got through and had several more!! Is PHN linking in with ye? Google baby massage, there are different positions to place baby to soothe her discomfort. I know this is difficult, find all the reserves you can, nurture your wife as much as possible and then if she is feeding baby, she will have the time to focus solely on baby. In a few months, baby will be laughing and gurgling and you won't be able to take your eyes off them. Just keep telling yourself it will get easier.

Fleetwoodmac

Princess Calla

Have you tried music to help the baby settle?

Our first, snow patrol chasing cars was its kryptonite. I wish I'd recorded it, from full scale melt down to snoozies as soon as the song was played.... We are the reason it's one of the most played songs

One of us would always have to go to bed with them... Put a huge strain on us as individuals and as a couple... That went on until they were 3.

Second child gets dropped into the cot, monitor on and we run.

Also maybe try putting a top your wife has been wearing over your shoulder, so the baby can get her scent when in your arms.... We tried this with the moses basket mattress to try and get them to sleep in the basket... It didn't work but I've heard it working for others

LegacyUser

Hi All,

OP here. Thanks for all the comments. I’ll address a few here..

I do have dogs, yes… I fail to see the comparison? Dogs were a billion times easier, yes you’re picking up after them every day but its’ fine.

Baby is in a cot, at an angle for reflux.

I don’t think it’s post natal depression, just tiredness. Thanks though 😊

I do change nappies here and there, do the occasional feed, do wind baby, do help bath baby, do go for walks with baby in the buggy.

Skin to skin contact, not so much now, but at first yes

Baby is routinely on my shoulder and I walk around the house to settle

Thanks for the words Princess Calla

JohnRambo, you’re probably totally right. The issue is in lockdown I’m still working from home, and it’s a long busy day. I do clean bits and pieces and put on and hang out washes and sweep and mop and clean counters and hoover and all that, just probably not regular enough to have the place like a high end hotel, but I try help out and keep on top of things.

Lisha, thanks for your message. I talk to baby all the time, and walk around and show this and that and just babble all sorts of rubbish about whatever is in front of us. Baby personality is just a bit hidden at the moment as cries a lot and has stomach pains and just is uncomfortable so poor child is not the happiest at times

Looksee, baby was breastfed til lately, and since on formula, but problems predated formula. My standards of clean and my wifes standards of clean are different unfortunately…! She keeps a very clean house and is trying to maintain this, she says for her own head as she can’t sit around all day in pig sty (house is far from it…).

Shesty… “we are just being asked to sit on sofas, and watch Netflix” … oh how I wish that was the case! I almost wish I was one of those laid off temporarily so I could just relax into it a bit, it’s trying to fit work into the equation and college course as well which is just crucifying me, us. I don’t need a hobby, I need some space from pressure, but its just not available at the moment and I need to try my best. Thanks for the post.

Feisar, thanks so much for sharing. Really appreciate it. Yeah, I’m not telling her how difficult I’m finding it because a) it’s way harder for her and b) I don’t want her to think I don’t care about the baby, I do, just find it exhausting.

Shesty again, yes, there’s a bit of this, even if I help, I’m helping “wrong”, even though I don’t think so… it’s just not the way she does it. And I get it, I do, she spends most of the day with baby and knows better what works and what doesn’t. I want to figure my way, but it’s nearly more stressful with her there, a few times she’s gone away for a few hours and I’ve got on fine with baby, it’s almost harder when she’s “supervising” in the nicest possible way, she means no bad, just wants best for baby.

Fleetwoodmac, PHN kinda abandoned ship with us since Covid19, got a letter saying as much almost, and to be honest, we found them pretty poor.

Thanks all.
Baby plus working plus Covid19 plus masters degree is going to be the death of me

shesty

Ah here, you left out the Masters bit.I was eh....stupid...enough to be finishing a partime Masters when baby no. 1 arrived, and yeah, it almost killed me.She came in June, so I deferred the last term of year 2, picked back up in the Septmber and got my thesis in for the Dec.I had no work obviously since I was on mat leave and it nearly finished me.I distinctly remember one night in late Nov. In complete despair, thinking I cannot do this-I was absolutely going to just throw in the towel now, not put it on my CV and nobody would be any the wiser, we would just never mention it again.

Listen, take it day by day.Baby will get a bit easier, but absolutely, it is a very, very hard time.It would actually be eaiser if you could leave the house to go to work everyday, but under the circumstances obviously, it is making it twice as hard.The experience of doing things the "right" way is a very normal one and it will eventually wear off, as you both realise the baby won't break :-)

The key thing for now is to get out for walks a bit and just help wherever you can.You have an awful lot going on and I suspect if your wife could get to her parents or meet some.friends or something it would be a huge thing for her.Is she doing chats or video calls or anything with anyone, does she have anyone she can talk to who can offer pointers to her?

As regards the reflux, I am sure you have checked it all out, but we found holding upright for 15-20mins after a feed then lying down to be best.Wind, wind,wind the baby.Put books under the two legs at the head of the bed to raise it.
Feed a couple ounces, then wind, rather than the whole bottle going in at once (can't remember if you said BF or not?).Avoid the car seat after feeds and how is the baby settling in the pram?Prams were a no-go for us, we ended up getting the infant head rest for the buggy seat, lying it almost flat and using that instead.The other thing then was the sling is fantastic in that situation.

Also as a clean freak myself, but 3 children on, I know your wife is putting immense pressure on herself.I also know that I usually breathe a sigh of relief when the 12 week mark comes because things settle a lot then, I can get the baby into a better routine and therefore my house becomes less of a pigsty because I can handle the day routine better.It makes me very cranky, I can't stand the chaos of the first couple of months, but time and extra kids have given me perspective on it and I know it improves.
It will improve I promise.This too shall pass, it really becomes your mantra.

margo321

The joy is in giving and it does come. Every few weeks months years every age will bring it's own joy but yes frustrations too. Parenting is the hardest job you'll do but also most rewarding. Mind yourself, everyone feels this way, mind your wife. This lock down just added another layer of stress.

kal7

As you finally get more sleep, you can appreciate the good bits, and bad bits fade away and get easier.
Hang in there. If your child is alive and healthy your doing well.

I have treated babies and advised new parents for 25yrs, and also have a daughter, now 8. It was hardest thing I have done. As a dad

jrosen

I feel your pain. Had a baby who was unwell and the crying was relentless.

There is no magical cure i guess just stick with it. I think part of the shock is people always saying how amazing it is. When you have a happy easy baby its amazing but when you dont it can seem like the walls are caving in.

Your probably worked up and baby can sense that. So try spend more one on one time. White noise was fantastic for my baby. You can download tracks now but our kitchen fan worked a treat. That and walks can really help settle baby.
Im also a fan of swaddling.

But all these years later the joy is still fleeting at times and at times its just hard work. But there is something wonderful seeing your child grow and reach each small milestone.

jam_sambo_

Hang in there, it does get better. It's so, SO overwhelming and it's totally normal to feel like this. Your life has been turned upside-down and you're almost in mourning for the freedoms you used to have (and with this coronavirus stuff, it makes it doubly hard.)

There is joy, but a lot of parenting is a slog and that's what the books don't tell you! It doesn't mean you don't love your child, but the slog can wear you down. But it does get easier (and then the next challenge comes along!

) Every tough bit is a phase, and it'll pass. Just remind yourself of that. Honestly, when your little one is big enough to do a big run and jump into your arms when you ask for a hug, your heart will do somersaults and all those crappy moments that came before will seem worthwhile. It'll happen

Milly33

It must have been a very hard time for any of ye with covid and pregnancy so hugs to all... I thought well defo for the first that they hospital was verr anti male, but i can imagine with sections and that and not being allowed in would be fairly heartbreaking.

Not coming in with anything bar OP dont worry that you are thinking these things, it is perfectly normal (to an extent if you go to put the baby in the shed then ask for help, yourself in the shed not too bad).. I remember with our first I was waiting for this wave of emotion that everyone talks about, and then it was like mmmm yeah your cute but sometimes your a bit annoying...Himself had a lot stronger bond with herself and then on the second it would be me. It didnt eventually hit and now its like their my babies!!

This all took a few weeks if not months to happen, i didnt want to take down the doc until herself got very sick one day and we rang ahead and they took so long to see her.. Now i did want to turn into Arnie but then we had a sick incident and i ended up crying my heart out because I thought I had done something wrong...Then the bond was sealed..

So dont worry too much, try and help as much as you can. Maybe ask her what the schedule is, if ye are going by routine write it down on a board and make sure and upate it.. If ye are using bottles ask her when they need to be made up etc... Those pillows are very good for reflux at night will say that if ye cannot get one just prop up the top part of the mattress with something safe.. Ye can do it

sheriff2

Both try to take some time for yourself, even if its just a quick walk around the block. I have found that people don't talk about how hard it actually is, most people lie and say there little one sleeps through the night and are no bother as if its a weakness to say how hard it is.

We have a toddler, 18 months still rarely sleeps through the night, many nights we had to take turns sleeping on his bedroom floor with our arm in the cot or he would loose his ****! We are in the early stages of pregnancy on a second and last night had us thinking how are we going to get through it, but you have to and we are excited.
I get up every morning and try allow my wife to get couple of hours sleep.

My wife used this website and its a good resource, it sends you forum posts and articles based on your baby's age, youd be surprised the amount of people going through exactly the same as you.
https://www.whattoexpect.com/

Neyite

I had a colicky baby for the first three months. Hell. Around the 12 week mark his sore tummy settled right down and he became a cute happy baby. Still never slept the way other babys do but at least he wasn't screaming his head off constantly.

And it was then that we found things easier, we felt we knew what we were doing mostly, got to know the baby, his moods and learn what he needed. And it was then we got to enjoy it rather than being dazed and bewildered (all three of us)

But there's phases. You might get a toddler that would make you look at the teething times wistfully, or look back at the newborn days when they begin crawling and get into everything and seem hell bent on offing themselves.

So its all phases. This Too Shall Pass was pretty much my mantra.