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How do I get through to him?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'm with my boyfriend just over a year now and I'm getting increasingly frustrated with the way he handles any sort of conflict. It's really getting to the point where I'm struggling to see a future with him. He is great in other ways and I'm crazy about him but I'm close to my wits end.

If we have any sort of lovers tiff atall he just will not talk about it. Hes the type to completely ignore it, pretend it's not there and sweep it under the rug.

I'm the exact opposite. I have to be able to have clear communication with my partner. I like to sit down and talk things out until they are resolved or a fair compromise is achieved.

If I try to bring anything up that is bothering me, i'm accused of starting drama. Rather than have an uncomfortable conversation with me for an hour or two that might resolve things, he would rather nothing ever be said and let things fester under the surface.

Why cant he see that while you can sweep everything under the rug, you just end up walking on a lumpy rug!!

Anyone have any advice?

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Frustrated88

Thanks for all replies.

I genuinely dont think he would cheat. He is very loving and affectionate, and we get on great. It all just seems to be coming from a place of insecurity for whatever reason. And I'm getting tired of it.
Like I said previously, if he was willing to willing to work through it then I happily would, but it's the complete stonewalling that gets me.

Any time I tried to talk about this with anyone I'm met with 'that's how men are, get over it'. So I started to think maybe I am overly sensitive and just let it slide for fear of causing another argument about it. (I know I have my part to play in putting up with his behaviour, I'm not trying to blame anyone else. )

I know I have to end it, I'm finding myself thinking of all the nice moments and not wanting to give up on those/him.

cj maxx

OP, I haven't read the whole thread to this far so if I've missed anything or repeating advice , sorry.
Just dump him and move on.
His behaviour with looking at other girls sounds to me that he fcucking full of himself.
Too much to have any room left for you in his life.
You trying to have long relationship talks, while he doesn't really seem to give a hoot is just feeding his narcissism.
He seems to think that by going on about these women who 'fancy' him and eyeing up women in front of you that he considers himself to be a bit out of your league and you should be lucky to have him and don't drag him down.
Like I said I haven't read the whole thread, but my 2 cents is gtfo and find a man who likes you.

rainbowtrout

Frustrated88 wrote: »

Thanks for all replies.

I genuinely dont think he would cheat. He is very loving and affectionate, and we get on great. It all just seems to be coming from a place of insecurity for whatever reason. And I'm getting tired of it.
Like I said previously, if he was willing to willing to work through it then I happily would, but it's the complete stonewalling that gets me.

Any time I tried to talk about this with anyone I'm met with 'that's how men are, get over it'. So I started to think maybe I am overly sensitive and just let it slide for fear of causing another argument about it. (I know I have my part to play in putting up with his behaviour, I'm not trying to blame anyone else. )

I know I have to end it, I'm finding myself thinking of all the nice moments and not wanting to give up on those/him.

He chooses to behave like this. Think about that for a minute. We don't intentionally choose to cause pain or hurt to people we care about. Sometimes we do it by accident, and then when it's brought up we apologise and we don't do it again. You've let him know that the way he passes comment about other women and has all his attention on them when you are in public is hurtful to you, and yet he still does it with a smile on his face. He is getting a kick out of pushing your buttons and watching you come back for more.

And what you are hoping for is the nice guy you met at the start, because you want to believe that this is just a blip, and if he was capable of being nice before he can be nice again. It won't go back to that, because you put up with his crap and he knows it. He won't discuss it with you and stonewalls you because that would mean he would have to admit to his shitty behaviour and he knows he is in the wrong. And he knows he's in the wrong because you've told him it's hurtful, but he chooses to continue doing it. Choice. And everytime he flirts with another woman, or ignores you when you are out for coffee while he ogles another woman, he knows he's hurting you, but you haven't left yet. So why would he be nice, he doesn't have to be, you're sticking with him and his bad behaviour.

Time to get rid. Don't even bother trying to get him to change because he won't. Even if you did give him the ultimatum and he said he would change, he'll give it a short period of time to let things cool off, a week or two of being nice and then he'll be back to normal. And I say normal, because what you are experiencing is his normal, not his insecure self that you so desperately want to believe exists as that gives him a get out clause for this behaviour.

The sooner you get him out of your life the better for you.

HildaOgdenx

Frustrated88 wrote: »

Thanks for all replies.
I know I have to end it, I'm finding myself thinking of all the nice moments and not wanting to give up on those/him.

That's how abusers work, OP. Sorry to be blunt. Make the person doubt themselves because he/ she is 'so nice', in between the abuse.

I presume you are not seeing him right now due to the restrictions we are all under, and as you do not live together, so I suggest you use the time apart to have a long hard think about what the majority of the responses here have been.

Read up on gaslighting.

Find a counsellor and thrash this out.
You deserve so much better than what this creature has to offer.

cj maxx

I'm not sure SHE needs counseling. Though go if you think op. Just dump him

Frustrated88

cj maxx wrote: »

I'm not sure SHE needs counseling. Though go if you think op. Just dump him

Believe me I do need it, and I am going. But its it's on hold at the moment with the restrictions.

I've been trying to build up the courage the last few days to just end it. I know this relationship is doing me no good, but every time I try to go through with it I just bottle it.

I've been trying to make a note of all the nasty, disrespectful and just downright hurtful things he has said or done so I will be motivated enough to just go through with it.

I actually felt guilty starting this thread and sharing these things because I felt I was going behind his back in a way. How pathetic is that!

HildaOgdenx

In the current climate, most, if not all counsellors have adapted to use of online sessions via Skype/ Zoom etc.

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057956018

amdublin

Its not for us, or anyone to tell you what to do.

Are you truly happy and will be happy for the rest of your life when he doesn't change?

Is this really what you imagine happiness and satisfaction and a good relationship to look and feel like? You're selling yourself short if you say yes.

suicide_circus

sounds dreadful, dump him immediately

Frustrated88

It's done.

He still denied everything. Didnt call me crazy once through the conversation for a change, I'll give him that.

I feel utterly sh!t right now but I know it's for the best. I couldnt keep going on the way I was. The cognitive dissonance was too much in the end.

Thanks to all who took the time to reply.

Faith

Well done, I know that can't have been easy.

Just keep reminding yourself, an explanation doesn't matter when the behaviour is that you're being treated like shįt. Unless he was willing to change, which he clearly wasn't, then he'd just have continued to treat you awfully.

You'll find someone better

ManOfMystery

Well done OP.

Just remind yourself that abusers rarely come out and say "Yeah I'm abusive!". They will deny, manipulate and lie through their teeth to the bitter end - and beyond.

Him denying it means nothing. You're not crazy; you recognised what was happening, many posters on here recognised what was happening from your descriptions, and his ongoing denial only serves to highlight how even in the face of losing the relationship he was more concerned about not admitting his liability in all of this. If he truly cared he would have apologised and pleaded for another chance, but then his behaviour all along shows someone who really didn't care what you thought.

You're well rid.

rainbowtrout

Yep, I'd agree with the above, and while it might not be easy now, it will get easier. You will also spot this type of behaviour quicker in future (hopefully you don't encounter it at all), and be able to deal with it quickly instead of being in a situation like you were.

Tork

Just something I wanted to add to the good advice you got here. Unless there is a reason for you to contact him again (such as your stuff being in his place and you really need it back), it's time to block his number. It is only a few short days since you started this thread and thought the relationship could be saved. Quite likely, part of you still thinks that. That's why you need to be strong and look after yourself in the coming days and weeks. You said you were crazy about him and that he was really sweet. You can't turn those feelings off like a tap, no matter what your head tells you. You're going to have plenty of moments where you wonder did you do the right thing and try to figure out can this still be saved.

You did the right thing by breaking up with your boyfriend. Everyone is a mix of good and bad. His nice moments should not blind you to the ugly and worrying parts of his personality. He didn't make you feel happy, secure, respected and loved even though you craved those. Nobody should be asked to do these things - they should automatically come as part of the package. He might come back to you, looking for a second chance. If he does, don't even think about it. The harder it is for him to contact you, the better.

amdublin

Breakups are never easy. This one, same as all others, will not be easy either.

Do not go back!! Remind yourself of the reasons you are moving on. Going back: nothing will change and you will be back here in a couple of days/weeks.

I agree just block is number now. Distract yourself with other things - hard I know in lockdown but there is lots of good stuff online: do an online yoga class.
Drink some wine! Do not contact him!

Post here! Do not contact him.

If you feel like contacting him, post here first.

amdublin

Ps. Nothing is forever. This feeling will pass. Soon you will feel happier. It is time to feel happier and look forward to a better life, and a better relationship with a better person when you are feeling it.

This will get better!!! Stay strong and focused. Read over this thread. You can never change him

Frustrated88

Thank you all, I really needed these replies today, I have a knot in my stomach all day. Trying to keep the tears back in work.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Frustrated88 wrote: »

Thank you all, I really needed these replies today, I have a knot in my stomach all day. Trying to keep the tears back in work.

Let the tears go. Or go to the bathroom to release them.

You've escaped a concentration camp. That's amazing Don't go back inside, cos it'll be twice as hard to escape next time.

Although meant in a good way, the 'drink wine' advice above isn't great. Plus you don't want drunk you to call or text him. Stay sober til the emotions settle, good food, exercise, lots of crying, chats with friends and family, treat yourself like someone you love.

You'll survive this, and one day you'll look back in wonderment that the old you put up with that nonsense for so long.

Best of luck.

Frustrated88

I'm sorry I'm having a weak moment and I need to write here.

It's been a long boring day off and I cant stop thinking about him. I'm missing him a lot right now. Usually we would facetime and play quizzes and other games against eachother to pass the evenings and these are the things I didnt want to let go. We did have fun together... between the occasional gas lighting.

Someone give me kick up the backside please

NewMan1982

Frustrated88 wrote: »

I'm sorry I'm having a weak moment and I need to write here.

It's been a long boring day off and I cant stop thinking about him. I'm missing him a lot right now. Usually we would facetime and play quizzes and other games against eachother to pass the evenings and these are the things I didnt want to let go. We did have fun together... between the occasional gas lighting.

Someone give me kick up the backside please

That’s normal at this stage of a break up. Next will be the trying to come up with a good enough excuse to text him.

I had a bad break up two years ago. Really bad. I posted on here for advice and was told time was a healer. I didn’t believe it at the time but it really is.

Give yourself a 6 month break from any kind of relationships now.

NewMan1982

And keep busy!

zoobizoo

Just read this:

"we will walk past a shop and he will say things like "half of the girls in there fancy me, they're always looking at me" and I'll ask him why are you telling me that, I dont want/need to hear it. But he never stops. He will say awww are you jealous? With a smile on his face.
Or we will go to Aldi together, and there is a girl he fancies working on the till he will make sure to yo to that till, smiling making eyes at her and she doing it back, right in front of me. Again I'll ask, why do you do these things? And his reply is it's all in your head, you're crazy."

Did you ever dream of bring in a relationship with such a bully? No

Would you ever encourage someone you knew to go out with someone like him? No

Imagine getting back together with him and having kids and they witnessed the above behaviour - is that something you'd like them to see/hear/ be part of? I'm guessing No

You must be at a very low ebb to miss a compete and utter pr1ck.

MissShihTzu

Look at it this way, OP. You've lost weight. About 12 stone of useless git!

NewMan1982

zoobizoo wrote: »

You must be at a very low ebb to miss a compete and utter pr1ck.

That’s a bit strong. It’s perfectly normal to miss someone and to wonder if you’ve made the wrong choice etc at this stage.

You just need to stay strong. Stop all contact. Keep busy. Surround yourself with friends and family and talk openly about how you feel.

In a few weeks/months you’ll look back and wonder how you ever wanted to put up with it.

Some people just aren’t compatible and it doesn’t matter how nice or good everything else is. That part that is a problem for both of you will never go away.

amdublin

I hear you that this is hard. Breakups are always hard. But normally you have support - you can go to starbucks with a girlfriend, you can.go to the pub with the girls, your friends can call around and you can rant and and cry and they can listen.

So it's always hard. But even harder for you now.

But! That is not a reason to contact him.

Like you said, you are having a weak moment. You are not feeling great. Work through this. Don't contact tonight. Go to bed and sleep and tomorrow you will feel so proud of yourself and strong.

Read back over the thread. Remember what he does and how you feel. Does that seem like someone you should aspire to be with? You deserve better. You are better than that. It's time to start showing yourself that.

Stay strong. Tomorrow is another day and you are going to feel better. I promise.

Post here anytime

Frustrated88

I realise this is a very public forum and there are a lot of views on this thread, so I decided to edit this post.

I had a long reply detailing more of his behaviour and writing it out in black in white in front of me was very cathartic but also helped me put some perspective on it all. I knew it was unacceptable anyway before I made this thread but it's different when its laid out in front of you.

I'm feeling stronger today :-)

amdublin

Oh gosh. My heart goes out to you.

He shouldn't have treated you that way. You shouldn't have had to feel the way you did.

And you don't have to any more. Stay strong op.

Is it too early to tell you that time is a great healer? Because it is

Hannibal_Smith

OP your head must have been wrecked. And of course your mind is going to wander back and pick out the good things. But the good things don't out weigh everything else.

As much as you miss the nice times always imagine if you had a lifetime of him telling you what no to wear, how to do your hair and gawping at other women in front of you.

It has to be even harder to break up in these times because occupying yourself isn't as easy as it might have been. But that's what you have to do.

You will look back at this and be thankful a headwreck like that is out of your life.

amdublin

Frustrated88 wrote: »

I realise this is a very public forum and there are a lot of views on this thread, so I decided to edit this post.

I had a long reply detailing more of his behaviour and writing it out in black in white in front of me was very cathartic but also helped me put some perspective on it all. I knew it was unacceptable anyway before I made this thread but it's different when its laid out in front of you.

I'm feeling stronger today :-)

Good job you!!

I'm glad you're feeling stronger!

That was a clever thing you did writing it out and deleting. Hold on to it for the future - or write it out again for yourself.

Get out for a walk today and then come home and make yourself a nice tea or coffee and watch whatever you want on tv. Relish the time.

You're felling stronger today! Yay! You've got this!

Tork

It was inevitable that you'd struggle after this break-up. Why wouldn't you? You were in a serious relationship with this guy and it had got to the moving in together stage. You are the one who broke up with him so all of the fall-out is on your head. You wouldn't be human if you weren't missing him or asking yourself did you really do the right thing? That is why you need to take whatever steps are needed not to reach out to him. It is harder to distract yourself at the moment because of the lockdown but it is more important than ever that you take steps to fill your evenings. Try to organise a phone or video call with someone different every evening. If you're on Facebook, maybe have a go at organising a quiz? A few of my friends have been organising those of late. Try reading a book or cooking or doing Joe Wicks classes. Anything to take your mind off him. Like this lockdown which seems to be going on forever, this will pass at some point.