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How do I get through to him?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'm with my boyfriend just over a year now and I'm getting increasingly frustrated with the way he handles any sort of conflict. It's really getting to the point where I'm struggling to see a future with him. He is great in other ways and I'm crazy about him but I'm close to my wits end.

If we have any sort of lovers tiff atall he just will not talk about it. Hes the type to completely ignore it, pretend it's not there and sweep it under the rug.

I'm the exact opposite. I have to be able to have clear communication with my partner. I like to sit down and talk things out until they are resolved or a fair compromise is achieved.

If I try to bring anything up that is bothering me, i'm accused of starting drama. Rather than have an uncomfortable conversation with me for an hour or two that might resolve things, he would rather nothing ever be said and let things fester under the surface.

Why cant he see that while you can sweep everything under the rug, you just end up walking on a lumpy rug!!

Anyone have any advice?

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Ticking and Bashing

A couple of things:

What guy (or anyone actually) wants to have an uncomfortable conversation for an hour or two!

"I like to sit down and talk things out until they are resolved or a fair compromise is achieved.... If I try to bring anything up that is bothering me, i'm accused of starting drama" - without knowing the full facts, who has to make the compromise in the end? Him or you? Do you make any compromises? I've a feeling it's him who has to compromise?

You're with your boyfriend ''just over a year''...and you have ''lovers tiff''...and being "accused of starting drama" - again without knowing the full facts, are you starting drama? Are you making a big deal about (probably?) small matters if you're only together just over a year? Are you easily frustrated / overly sensitive? For a guy there's nothing as off-putting as drama and you both have different ways to handle conflict. This is where you need to have a think about the middle ground - what needs to be discussed and in the grand scheme of things what frustrations / conflict are you willing to let go off, and if this is something you are happy to do in the long run.

amdublin

Are you actually happy??? It's only a year, this is the point you can break up or keep going...

What do you want to do? You can't change others, you can only change you/your behaviour.

Looks like your boyfriend is not going to change. Do you want to be with him (as he is now/the way he acts now) for the rest of your life?

Katgurl

Hi OP,

I sympathise and also disagree with everything Ticking said above. In fact I find his (?) response pretty mysogynistic.

Not being able to resolve conflict is a huge problem. If you can't find a way to communicate your relationship is doomed. It is simply not fair for him to expect you to continue feeling upset just to make life easier for him.

That said, perhaps he is hearing you in a different way to how you are hearing yourself.

It is hard to advise without more information.

Can you elaborate; how old are you both, what sort of issues are you having, can you give an example or two and explain how you approached?

redfox123

Sounds exactly like my OH, except he won’t even give it ten mins let alone an ‘hour or two’?!
We all know the best way to navigate any tiffs or conflict is to have clear calm communication. Unfortunately this is very difficult for a lot of people, (especially men.)
I know a lot won’t agree but there seems to be a fundamental difference between men and women in this way, women will want to talk it out, men just do not.
Also they will immediately think you are trying to change them and get defensive. Yes, if they are emotionally mature they won’t, and will listen but unfortunately I’ve yet to really experience that.

Be honest with yourself are they little things or are there actual incompatibilities in bigger areas like values, priorities etc, that you are not happy with and want him to compromise? Because that is unlikely, especially if he won’t engage at all in a discussion with you. He won’t change and will resent you for trying.
At this relatively early stage you are probably seeing some potential problems and wanting to ‘correct’ it for the longer term. Or at least form healthy communication. He is probably taking this like criticism.

LegacyUser

redfox123 wrote: »

Sounds exactly like my OH, except he won’t even give it ten mins let alone an ‘hour or two’?!

Op here, thanks for the replies.

I knew I'd get some flack for saying an hour or two, but what couple resolves a situation in 10 minutes? Are couples therapy sessions 10 minutes long? Or an hour long over a number of weeks or months? (Not directed at you Redfox, just a rhetorical question) Yes it depends on the situation of course, but you have to take the time for eachother to sit down like adults hash it out dont you?

One 1 hour conversation to put something to bed over a lifetime of burying your head in the sand.. I know which I'd prefer

Things like, we might go out for a coffee on a Saturday morning, we will walk past a shop and he will say things like "half of the girls in there fancy me, they're always looking at me" and I'll ask him why are you telling me that, I dont want/need to hear it. But he never stops. He will say awww are you jealous? With a smile on his face.
Or we will go to Aldi together, and there is a girl he fancies working on the till he will make sure to yo to that till, smiling making eyes at her and she doing it back, right in front of me. Again I'll ask, why do you do these things? And his reply is it's all in your head, you're crazy.

I might add, no man is allowed to look at me. He goes mad at the thought of it.

He wanted us to move in together and I said not a chance until we talk this sh!t out.

I have my insecurities/traumas but I'm going to counselling for them and have been for a year, I dont go out trying to get attention from men or make him jealous to make myself feel better.

Tokyo

Mod:

Ticking and Bashing - you're being petulant. Don't post in PI/RI again until you have read the forum's charter and are willing to abide by it. Further posts of the nature just deleted will result in a very quick removal of forum access.

zoobizoo

Frustrated88 wrote: »

we might go out for a coffee on a Saturday morning, we will walk past a shop and he will say things like "half of the girls in there fancy me, they're always looking at me" and I'll ask him why are you telling me that, I dont want/need to hear it. But he never stops. He will say awww are you jealous? With a smile on his face.

smiling making eyes at her and she doing it back, right in front of me. Again I'll ask, why do you do these things? And his reply is it's all in your head, you're crazy.
.

Hey OP,

Your first post is about conflict resolution.

But reading your second post, this isn't about better communication in a relationship - it's about a major problem with your relationship.

And that is his behaviour - which to be honest sounds bizarre and downright mean... or cruel.

You've brought it to his attention and he has continued to do it despite knowing how it effects you. He has then told you that you're causing drama. And finally he has told you it's in your head and that you're crazy.

Why do you put up with his obnoxious behaviour?

lozenges

Jesus. I would dump him ASAP. Whatever about refusing to talk out issues (which would be massively important to me), it sounds like he's being deliberately vindictive and disrespectful to you.

Cut him loose before you get more attached/committed than you already are.

redfox123

Frustrated88 wrote: »

Op here, thanks for the replies.

I knew I'd get some flack for saying an hour or two, but what couple resolves a situation in 10 minutes? Are couples therapy sessions 10 minutes long? Or an hour long over a number of weeks or months? (Not directed at you Redfox, just a rhetorical question) Yes it depends on the situation of course, but you have to take the time for eachother to sit down like adults hash it out dont you?

One 1 hour conversation to put something to bed over a lifetime of burying your head in the sand.. I know which I'd prefer

Things like, we might go out for a coffee on a Saturday morning, we will walk past a shop and he will say things like "half of the girls in there fancy me, they're always looking at me" and I'll ask him why are you telling me that, I dont want/need to hear it. But he never stops. He will say awww are you jealous? With a smile on his face.
Or we will go to Aldi together, and there is a girl he fancies working on the till he will make sure to yo to that till, smiling making eyes at her and she doing it back, right in front of me. Again I'll ask, why do you do these things? And his reply is it's all in your head, you're crazy.

I might add, no man is allowed to look at me. He goes mad at the thought of it.

He wanted us to move in together and I said not a chance until we talk this sh!t out.

I have my insecurities/traumas but I'm going to counselling for them and have been for a year, I dont go out trying to get attention from men or make him jealous to make myself feel better.

I meant it like I have same issue in my relationship, never willing to discuss things as an adult.
But wow after reading the rest of the post I cannot believe you are still with this guy.
Does he openly say he fancies this woman? That is very strange behaviour tbh, and downright disrespectful. It’s like he treats you as an after thought as he goes around like a single guy?!
There is absolutely no way a guy like this will sit down and be reasoned with, he knows deep down he is clearly in the wrong with his behaviour, and he does not have the respect for you to actually want to do anything about it or improve. Why would he, he is perfectly happy flirting with other women? In front of you!
He is going to do what he wants to do, and no adult discussion will stop him wanting other women. It’s a pointless exercise. He is clearly the wrong man for you, full stop. Maybe I’m missing something but sorry he sounds horrible.

Sephiroth_dude

Frustrated88 wrote: »

Op here, thanks for the replies.

I knew I'd get some flack for saying an hour or two, but what couple resolves a situation in 10 minutes? Are couples therapy sessions 10 minutes long? Or an hour long over a number of weeks or months? (Not directed at you Redfox, just a rhetorical question) Yes it depends on the situation of course, but you have to take the time for eachother to sit down like adults hash it out dont you?

One 1 hour conversation to put something to bed over a lifetime of burying your head in the sand.. I know which I'd prefer

Things like, we might go out for a coffee on a Saturday morning, we will walk past a shop and he will say things like "half of the girls in there fancy me, they're always looking at me" and I'll ask him why are you telling me that, I dont want/need to hear it. But he never stops. He will say awww are you jealous? With a smile on his face.
Or we will go to Aldi together, and there is a girl he fancies working on the till he will make sure to yo to that till, smiling making eyes at her and she doing it back, right in front of me. Again I'll ask, why do you do these things? And his reply is it's all in your head, you're crazy.

I might add, no man is allowed to look at me. He goes mad at the thought of it.

He wanted us to move in together and I said not a chance until we talk this sh!t out.

I have my insecurities/traumas but I'm going to counselling for them and have been for a year, I dont go out trying to get attention from men or make him jealous to make myself feel better.

You sound miserable, do you really want to be with someone who acts like this? this would do my head in, I couldn't take someone who acts like this seriously and would be long gone.

LegacyUser

Sorry Redfox, I was supposed to quote Ticking and Bashing in my earlier reply. But I was fully expecting to get that kind of reply from a guy anyway so I wont bother replying to him now.

I stay with him because he is a sweet guy most of the time.

But half of the time when we spend time together it's me, him......and some girl he is eye balling across the room, or trying to get her attention. But again, that's all in my head apparently.

I have talked to friends and family about this and they say I'm wrong, that I seem to be demanding too much of his attention. I dont! I would just like to go for coffee or a drink with my boyfriend and not have to constantly talk to a wall because he seems to be besotted with someone else at another table. It's incredibly disrespectful and hurtful.

If he could sit down with me, explain why he does this crap, help me understand it maybe, we could move forward. If he said, look I never had female attention growing up, I got made fun of my looks as a teenager, I still feel insecure at times about it and noticing a girl looking at me gives me a bit of a boost.....then fine I'd work through it with him.

But he just will not even entertain it. So I'm stuck with this festering feeling eroding my confidence and trust in him.

MissShihTzu

OP, Your boyfriend sounds immature, insecure and childish. I think he is also gaslighting you. I recognise it now, as I used to have a boyfriend just like him. He eventually left me for a crush he had and married her in quick order. He then had the cheek to come crawling back two weeks after the wedding saying he'd made a mistake...

I'd get rid. You don't have the time nor the energy to be coping with a child.

khaldrogo

Firstly, he sounds like a feçking kñob jockey. Move on, find better.

Secondly, are we in America now or something??? Therapy sessions!! Hour long discussions about menial things. You sound fairly high maintenance tbh.

Frustrated88 wrote: »

......
I knew I'd get some flack for saying an hour or two, but what couple resolves a situation in 10 minutes? Are couples therapy sessions 10 minutes long? Or an hour long over a number of weeks or months? (Not directed at you Redfox, just a rhetorical question) Yes it depends on the situation of course, but you have to take the time for eachother to sit down like adults hash it out dont you?

One 1 hour conversation to put something to bed over a lifetime of burying your head in the sand.. I know which I'd prefer......

LegacyUser

khaldrogo wrote: »

Firstly, he sounds like a feçking kñob jockey. Move on, find better.

Secondly, are we in America now or something??? Therapy sessions!! Hour long discussions about menial things. You sound fairly high maintenance tbh.

I'm not high maintenance at all! I dont care about what's in his bank account, what car he drives, what job he has. I just want love and respect and trust. I'm sick of being made a fool of.

I wasnt suggesting therapy sessions, (which are mentioned in this forum regularly) I was using them as an example for Trashing and Bashing or whatever his name is!

HildaOgdenx

Frustrated88 wrote: »

Things like, we might go out for a coffee on a Saturday morning, we will walk past a shop and he will say things like "half of the girls in there fancy me, they're always looking at me" and I'll ask him why are you telling me that, I dont want/need to hear it. But he never stops. He will say awww are you jealous? With a smile on his face.
Or we will go to Aldi together, and there is a girl he fancies working on the till he will make sure to yo to that till, smiling making eyes at her and she doing it back, right in front of me. Again I'll ask, why do you do these things? And his reply is it's all in your head, you're crazy.

I might add, no man is allowed to look at me. He goes mad at the thought of it.

He wanted us to move in together and I said not a chance until we talk this sh!t out.

He sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant person.
The line I have bolded - add 'controlling' to his other ugly characteristics.

OP, seriously, do not even think of moving in with him.
Get out of this relationship and seek counselling to help you to build your self esteem.

You are worth so much more than this.

Katgurl

Ugh! What awful behaviour. At the very very best he is childish and immature. But realistically he sounds controlling, nasty and disloyal.

I think you shouldn't bother trying to get through to him anymore. The cheek of him accusing you of creating drama or calling you crazy. I think you should just get rid of him.

Rubberchikken

You can do better than him.

When I read the original post I though that maybe he's like a lot of men, and women, who don't want to discuss feelings it issues.

But your post on his behavior towards you in aldi etc re. Other females is worrying.
No decent man treats his partner like that.

I agree with others, he's immature, an idiot and I wouldn't be comfortable with my daughter being with him. His behavior could end up getting more controlling as time goes on.

Do you actually want that to be your life?

qwerty13

Initially I thought he has difficulties explaining or communicating. But your next post clarified that it’s not his words he has issues with: it’s respect, an actual relationship, not being a cock-eyed plonker, and jealousy.

Cant you really come up with reasons to stay with him? Because he sounds immature and a bit nasty to me.

Faith

Like others, I read your opening post and thought “yeah, my husband struggles a bit with communication at times, that doesn’t sound too bad”. But the rest of your posts paint a totally different picture.

Being “sweet some of the time” is not a positive thing!

The man you have described sounds controlling, manipulative, potentially emotionally abusive and is a gaslighter. He has successfully convinced you that the problem lies with you, and you just need to sort thing out and everything will be fine. If you could just understand WHY he treats you like dirt, it’d be fine!

Here’s the reason, OP: it’s because he’s a horrible person. That’s pretty much all you need to know.

My advice is to get out of this relationship ASAP. You will never be happy with this man because he has made it clear that his mission is to undermine you, make you insecure and uncertain, and break you down to the point where you doubt reality

zoobizoo

Frustrated88 wrote: »

I just want love and respect and trust.

I'm sick of being made a fool of.

!

You will find none of those with this guy.

You don't seem to be sick enough of it to leave him.

You are willing to put up with his very bad behaviour and you are under the impression that
Talking about it with him will resolve things.

How have his previous relationships been?

wirelessdude01

This lad sounds like he is 10. Trying to make someone jealous by saying such and such likes me and then denying he said it or did it.

zerosugarbuzz

Frustrated88 wrote: »

I'm not high maintenance at all! I dont care about what's in his bank account, what car he drives, what job he has. I just want love and respect and trust. I'm sick of being made a fool of.

I wasnt suggesting therapy sessions, (which are mentioned in this forum regularly) I was using them as an example for Trashing and Bashing or whatever his name is!

Dump his sad ass. Why oh why would anyone stay with a prick like this!

leggo

OP I'm on the same rollercoaster as everyone else in this thread. A further note that interests me is that your friends and family all say you're overreacting. That's a wrinkle: our friends and family are the ones who know us best, see what we can't see in ourselves and put our interests first, so I'm now also weighing up the fact that your 'team' seem to agree that you may be prone to insecurity and paranoia. But that doesn't invalidate some of the alarming behaviour you've described that others have spoken about and I've nothing to add there except agreement with what's largely been said.

Sadly, too often people will be naturally attracted to the kind of person that's most likely to hurt them. If how we learn to love is warped somewhere in our early development, then we'll often seek that warped kind of love even if it's harmful, because it's what is familiar to us and what we associate with love even if it sounds bat**** to people when we put it on paper. That's what I think is happening here. You are likely prone to being paranoid and insecure about others, hence your family and friends' concerns, and now you're with someone who goes out of his way to make you feel that way. But what you describe is not a healthy relationship. That may sound crazy to hear and your instinct may be to minimise this as just one tiny issue in an otherwise amazing relationship that we couldn't possibly understand because we don't know you or your partner, but it's just not.

Here's the proof: to address your initial communication issues, whether he consciously knows he's doing it or not, your boyfriend is on some level aware of your insecurities. He's also, on some level, aware that the warped love we spoke of will make you more likely to double down and commit to him (even if you hate the behaviour) because he's feeding these thoughts you've come to know as loving. You may think that I'm crazy for suggesting that right now, but also step back and look at how everyone here's reaction was horrified that you were upset about the lack of communication and not the behaviour itself. When you made this thread, you didn't even feel the need to mention the behaviour, that was fine even though that's the alarming part.

Every time he looks at someone else, or flirts with them in front of you, or blatantly brags about other women, he's making a choice to essentially push a button that causes you pain but keeps you hooked to him. That's why he's not going to discuss this. What's his answer going to be if he did? "Ohh...that?? I'm just manipulating you and preying on your psychological weaknesses for my own gain."

The good news here is that you're not a helpless victim imprisoned by these forever, you're an intelligent person whose instincts about relationships and how to handle conflict are correct, and you're waking up to the fact that this behaviour is wrong and not what you want from life. This is the start of a new part of your life where you wake up to these harmful habits you've gotten into. Part of that process, unfortunately, will need you to sooner or later get rid of this person who's only here because of these and you'll see that one day even if this thread doesn't do the trick. Keep going to counselling and working on it with all of this in mind and you'll be on the other side and much stronger and happier before you know it.

zoobizoo

Regarding family and friends..... Have they ever witnessed his bad behaviour?

There's a difference between them telling you that "men don't talk about feelings and you're creating a big drama wanting to discuss 'things with him NOT knowing about his behaviour and them knowing that he treats you so disgracefully and telling you to get over it.

Big Bag of Chips

I wonder is he cheating on you, or at least keeping his options open as a possibility? He will openly flirt in front of you, but goes mad if he thinks someone is looking at you? He thinks you might be tempted to cheat because he is! People generally judge others by their own standards.

Also, how old are you both? I was with a fella who was a bit like this in my very early 20s. Now in my 40s, I couldn't care who's looking at my husband, or me!!

Trashing this out for an hour or two is going to achieve nothing. He's still going to believe half the women working in the shop fancy him. And he's still going to flirt with women he fancies. You just need to decide if you're ok with that or not.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for all replies, I'm keeping an eye on this thread, essential worker so will get back when I can, thanks again.

Frustrated88

OP here, decided to set up an account so I can reply quicker. No offence to mods, I know you have lives outside of Boards.
I'm keeping an eye in this thread and will reply properly when I can.

We are both early 30's for those who asked.

Friends and family have not seen this behaviour but when I describe it to them they said I'm too jealous and need to lay off him a bit.

amdublin

I'm not going to finger point here at either of you.

At the end of the day, op, reading back, does this sound like a good relationship to you? Sure doesn't to me.

You're a year in. Call it now and cut your losses.

bitofabind

Frustrated88 wrote: »

I have my insecurities/traumas but I'm going to counselling for them and have been for a year, I dont go out trying to get attention from men or make him jealous to make myself feel better.

Yes, but you're trying to get attention and validation from this nasty, immature man to make yourself feel better. And it sounds like that is your pattern. The reason I say that is for most other people, as we can see from this thread, a partner eyeballing and hitting on other women everywhere and then gaslighting her about it would be a massive deal-breaking NOPE. But not for you.

I'd echo Leggo's post and would urge you to look into attachment theory. I think you'd strongly relate to anxiously attached individuals. These are people that need a lot of reassurance in romantic relationships (hence your need for a lot of communication - nothing wrong with it) but who are often drawn to avoidant types who can never provide it. It produces unstable, toxic relationships like the one you're in where the struggle to leave is real, as you need your boyfriend's love and approval so badly that you can't see the wood for the trees. The less he gives it to you, the more desperate for it you get.

It might be eye opening to read the reactions around here to your boyfriend's incredibly nasty and toxic behaviour and how you didn't even think that was the real problem. You've gotten used to this behaviour as normal, expected, maybe deep down you think you deserve it. But it is very much not the actions of a loving person who can treat you with the respect you deserve and can meet your emotional needs. It is the opposite, and it is triggering you.

I'd urge you to bring this up with your therapist. Tell them you want to discuss your relationship issues and be honest as you have been around here. It can take years to change fundamental things like your approach to relationships but I think this is vital work that needs to start now.

SusieBlue

My ex was like this. I put up with it for years and it got worse and not better.
In the end one of the main reasons we broke up is because he decided that he no longer wanted to go on a holiday that we had spent €€€€ on (it was a lot of money), that was fully booked and paid for and mere weeks away.
He cancelled without even telling me, we lost all the money, and he saw no issue with this and wouldn’t even discuss it with me. When I tried to discuss it he accused me of starting an argument.
As far as he was concerned, he just didn’t want to go, didn’t want to talk about WHY he didn’t want to go, and wanted to leave it at that. When I wouldn’t let it go, he started ignoring me completely.
In the end I had to really really push him into having the conversation where we broke up because he was completely avoidant and non responsive.

He destroyed my confidence and self esteem, I felt like such a nuisance for the longest time afterwards for even raising any queries in work, that’s how badly it effected me.
When you are conditioned to believe that you are an over sensitive trouble maker you eventually will start to believe it.

If you truly want to give it a go, insist on having a frank, calm conversation with him and highlight the areas where communication and conflict resolution needs to improve. If he doesn’t make honest, genuine attempts to improve there areas then it’s quite clear there is no future for you and there is no point in continuing the relationship. You can’t live your life like this.

Best of luck OP.