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Should I just walk away?

Yanna3783

Don't know where else to turn at this stage.

I have written about this before, so I shall try not bore you with too much info. Basically, last year, myself and my fiancée were supposed to move into his house and rent mine out (cheaper doing it this way). It didn't go according to plan as his brother who used to live in the parents’ house (parents moved away) was arranged by the family to move into my fiancées house. Fiancée didn't object. Didn't ask for my opinion at all, some say it had nothing to do with you, well I disagree! The parents are really controlling. We are a couple in our late 30's early 40's.

The brother moves in and I stay put in my own house...things are stalling in the relationship and I am ready to just walk away at this stage, but at the same time I don’t want to throw away 5 years, as we do get on, but I wish there wasn’t constant interference.

I have no idea what else to do. The brother brings friends to the house, brings the girlfriend to the house, if I am there the girlfriend acts like it’s her house...besides the fact that they are really messy, let’s not call them dirty as I clean after them as often as I am at the house (yes, I know, stop doing it), they are just annoying. They are late 20’s. I don’t like the girlfriend she talks so much and is very draining, plus I AM not happy with another women in my fiancés house (not one for sharing a house at my age).

My fiancée keeps telling me what I want to hear, but nothing has changed so far. We were supposed to sell our houses by now and buy one for ourselves. He keeps telling me this is still the plan, but all I can see is ME leaving the whole situation behind and basically try find someone else (easier said than done).
I am at the end of my wits, the above is just a synopsis of what has been happening. The mother who "moved away" - 300 km's, is constantly at the house. We have no privacy when we are at his place. His family is basically on top of us, and the irony this is HIS house. It was meant to be the place where we were supposed to live until we sorted the wedding out and the selling of the properties.
I just want some clarity and not to constantly be fobbed off. Last night I basically said that I am ready to walk away as this crazy show doesn't seem to end any time soon.

The two of us, get on very well, but there is a bit of uneasiness with the family butting in. I am constantly so anxious.
The mother started being rude to me, when she found out what our plans were, as if the house gets sold the brother doesn't have where to live (which isn't my problem) as he is on a decent salary.

The girlfriend gave up her job (both worked in the same company) to be closer to her boyfriend who happened to get a new job. Now she is constantly at the house. I don't feel comfortable being there and I do believe this is step number one: give up job step no 2: get pregnant and step no 3: move into the house. I don’t care about her plans, good for her, but I don’t have to change our plans to suite them.

I am sorry if this post is all over the place, but my head is all over the place with this situation, and to be really honest with you, I don't want to break things off, but I need him to understand where I am coming from, and I don't think he does. He is trying to be nice and accommodating with everyone (mainly his family) but doesn’t seem to understand how this situation is impacting/affecting me. I have talked to him in the last 4 months so so many times...and still back to square one as of last night.

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Yanna3783

Wheety wrote: »

Are there kids in your plans? Because of the age you said, if you are planning kids, this needs to be sorted asap.

Yes or so we discussed. But haven't actively tried until the so called dust settles (doesn't seem to have). I know he wants them also.

He is a very nice guy, and tries to please everyone, absolutely everyone and hates people not getting on.

jelly&icecream

Yanna3783 wrote: »

I agree with you...I am not afraid of leaving because I have been with him 5 years and I wont find anyone else, but I do love him and wanted to give this 100%. I understand I don't need to stay in an unhappy relationship, but this isn't an unhappy relationship....just his family is constantly in the way. Well I hope it doesn't sound like its an unhappy relationship.

They're in the way though because he won't lay down some pretty standard boundaries with them. Stop looking at it was being a them problem, it's a him problem. Maybe he is the way he is because they raised him to be the whipping boy of the family, but if that's the issue he's probably not capable of being 'deprogrammed' at this stage.

Yanna3783

jelly&icecream wrote: »

They're in the way though because he won't lay down some pretty standard boundaries with them. Stop looking at it was being a them problem, it's a him problem. Maybe he is the way he is because they raised him to be the whipping boy of the family, but if that's the issue he's probably not capable of being 'deprogrammed' at this stage.

Almost the exact words a friend of mine used, ESPECIALLY about the "deprogramming" that had me laughing.

I have explained to him that boundaries need to be set in place, he agrees....then comes complaining to me when they do something silly in the house. It's like I am talking to the walls.

Princess Calla

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Fair enough but you must remember that at the end of the day, blood is thicker than water. Girlfriends come and go but family is for life.

The blood of the covenent is thicker than the water of the womb..... Means relationships made from choice are stronger than those made through birth!!

Girlfriends do come and go, but these pair are engaged due to be married, so she's not just abit of fluff infairness.

She is supposed to be his future family of choice.

Yanna3783

Princess Calla wrote: »

The blood of the covenent is thicker than the water of the womb..... Means relationships made from choice are stronger than those made through birth!!

Girlfriends do come and go, but these pair are engaged due to be married, so she's not just abit of fluff infairness.

She is supposed to be his future family of choice.

100% agree...

Reading my posts it makes me really angry that I have allowed this situation to develop and grow so much .

All my friends are telling me to walk away...at this stage. He will not change. I am so torn.

jelly&icecream

Yanna3783 wrote: »

Almost the exact words a friend of mine used, ESPECIALLY about the "deprogramming" that had me laughing.

I have explained to him that boundaries need to be set in place, he agrees....then comes complaining to me when they do something silly in the house. It's like I am talking to the walls.

If someone who knows the while situation is saying this to you aswell then please heed them. If you have a kid with him, you and the kid will still come second to keeping mammy and leech brother happy. You seem to accept being treated like the lowest priority but would you be for your child to be treated like that? The child may be offered up to granny to keep her entertained but you'll still be treated as an optional add-on.

Tbh you should really consider whether the relationship is worth continuing with. Unless he gets some serious counseling or something he will never change.

Yanna3783

jelly&icecream wrote: »

He's seems determined to keep everyone happy... Except for you. You've given him numerous chances, unless he magically grows a pair of balls and deals with his brother and mother, which is extremely unlikely, you're wasting your time. You'll always be at the bottom of the priority list.

Do not under any circumstances buy a house with him. You'll end up in the same situation only with no escape route.

- I know I know everyone tells me the same thing about not buying a house together.

I know and agree that I don't seem to even be on the priority list. Trust me I have had these conversations with him...he claims to understand but then back to square one.

TheBoyConor

He won't change. I'm telling you that now. Everyone is telling the same.
And everyone on the last thread you made told you the same thing too.

Walk way. Do it. Walk away while you still have the chance to have a family. You're time is running out. You are in your late 30s so your chances are diminishing as we type, week by week...

Yanna3783

jelly&icecream wrote: »

If someone who knows the while situation is saying this to you aswell then please heed them. If you have a kid with him, you and the kid will still come second to keeping mammy and leech brother happy. You seem to accept being treated like the lowest priority but would you be for your child to be treated like that? The child may be offered up to granny to keep her entertained but you'll still be treated as an optional add-on.

Tbh you should really consider whether the relationship is worth continuing with. Unless he gets some serious counseling or something he will never change.

Had this conversation with him also...he agrees and makes the right head gestures...but still back to square one.

Yanna3783

TheBoyConor wrote: »

He won't change. I'm telling you that now. Everyone is telling the same.

Walk way. Do it. Walk away while you still have the chance to have a family. You're time is running out.

Glad to see that now you realize I am not as crazy as you initially thought I was. And trust me this isnt even half of what has been happening that I had shared with you. If you'd only knew the way the mother treated me up to recently until I had to stand up for myself (was expecting him to do it, but he said he didn't hear it)

jelly&icecream

Yanna3783 wrote: »

Glad to see that now you realize I am not as crazy as you initially thought I was. And trust me this isnt even half of what has been happening that I had shared with you. If you'd only knew the way the mother treated me up to recently until I had to stand up for myself (was expecting him to do it, but he said he didn't hear it)

Oh god. Please dump him. You deserve better. He will never change. Things will only get worse with a child in the picture.

You know fine well he heard. You're allowing yourself to be treated like crap. LEAVE

Yanna3783

jelly&icecream wrote: »

Oh god. Please dump him. You deserve better. He will never change. Things will only get worse with a child in the picture.

You know fine well he heard. You're allowing yourself to be treated like crap. LEAVE

Of course he heard he was sitting next to me. He seems to be afraid of his family...and I certainly can't fix that.

[Deleted User]

What no one has really mentioned yet is his family. In this case you will be marrying them as well. If you do buy a house together make sure it is several hours away from his family.

Yanna3783

Deleted User wrote: »

What no one has really mentioned yet is his family. In this case you will be marrying them as well. If you do buy a house together make sure it is several hours away from his family.

That was the plan. Each to their own. I am not here to care for everyone, given he is on really good wages (brother). I certainly won't be marrying them.

As another poster said 3/4 months tops.

TheBoyConor

The writing is on the wall i'd say.

Yanna3783

TheBoyConor wrote: »

The writing is on the wall i'd say.

Would you stop bothering me with your comments, please! You have actually been really nasty, nastiness that's not really needed here. Hope I never meet you as a cop on the streets of Dublin (that's if you got into Templemore) and if you do, I'll give you my fiancees number, he might teach you a thing or two about being nice on the streets of Dublin while wearing a uniform.

Thanks for your input but I kinda had enough of your attitude and comments.

Take care.

nthclare

There's 4 sides to this story and it looks like we're only get one side.

Sounds very dysfunctional and I'd be suggesting to a female friend or my sister to run to the hills.

Boards is ok for opinions but advice on relationships and break ups is for two adults to discuss.

Independence and a gut feeling is enough.

Yanna3783

nthclare wrote: »

There's 4 sides to this story and it looks like we're only get one side.

Sounds very dysfunctional and I'd be suggesting to a female friend or my sister to run to the hills.

Boards is ok for opinions but advice on relationships and break ups is for two adults to discuss.

Independence and a gut feeling is enough.

100% agree with you - always plenty of sides to listen to (not sure what the others would say, but i'd love for them to hear mine and vice versa). However with that in mind, it was really great to be able to get this off my chest (again), especially today. I appreciate the replies.

Tiddlypeeps

It doesn't sound like it's a priority issue, he seems to agree that what you want is the way things should be. It sounds like a spineless issue. At the moment he is choosing inaction over action because it is so much easier to just go with the flow than to ruffle feathers. Your feathers are being ruffled, but it's not by any action on his part so from his perspective he isn't responsible as it's a thing that is happening to the both of you and not something he has caused.

You need to force the situation or things will never change. That could be no longer visiting his house at all or issuing an ultimatum, although I suspect with the former he would still just go along with it and live with either being at yours more or seeing you less.

Not living together after 5 years is insane. You would be mad to let this continue any longer. I can imagine the difficulty of ending a 5 year relationship, but the sunk cost fallacy really applies here, you are just going to continue throwing more time at a bad situation. For fear of looking at 5 years wasted you will very quickly find yourself looking at 6 years wasted.

AulWan

My gut reaction is your fiance is hedging his bets and doesn't want to sell his house. If he was on board with the plan to sell both houses he should never have let his brother move in.

He would probably prefer to rent his/both houses out (his to his brother?) and either move in with/closer to you or buy another property with you but still have his own house if it goes wrong.

Either that or he really is that whipped by his family.

zapper55

The same advice stands that was given in your other thread but I will say this, even if he magically decides to sell up and buy with you, when you marry him you'll marry your family.

No amount of love for someone else would override my need to be treated with respect and civility by someones family. I'd choose my mental health over this craziness every time. You could have 40+ years of this.

Yanna3783

So I had a talk with him last night....and basically I gave him an ultimatum (I just couldn't see another solution)...3 months to get this sorted or I am walking.

He seemed to understand, will he do anything about it, I really don't know. The girlfriend was there last night again...from what I understood.

He did get angry but quietly angry if that makes sense, I could see the anger in him building (resentment), that I gave him an ultimatum...but he didn't verbalize what he was feeling. The only thing he kept saying was that he doesn't like her coming over either, and that he isn't happy with the situation, but I have heard that before.

I put it to him to just start looking for another house as soon as possible, just the two of us and rent both properties out, he seemed OK with the idea. Tomorrow we have a viewing. I advised I would be happy for his house to be rented fully to his brother.

3 months and counting.

Thank you for your replies.

Idbatterim

sell the house to the brother or if he is on decent money or let him buy his own house! I read the first page and skipped to this, so only saw the ultimatum thing now, but its your only option I feel, walking without even giving an ultimatum, might be a bit too far as a first step. Also tell me about controlling families and it is unbearable! Is it not great in a way, that they have moved?

AulWan

Yanna3783 wrote: »

I put it to him to just start looking for another house as soon as possible, just the two of us and rent both properties out, he seemed OK with the idea. Tomorrow we have a viewing.

Before commiting to renting out your properties make sure you fully look into the pros and cons of becoming accidental landlords.

There would be legal and tax implications, etc. (Lots of info on the Accommodation & Property forum!) Its a compromise I'm not sure I'd be happy with personally.

Plus renting formally to his brother would give the brother all sorts of legal rights, that could end up a worse nightmare down the road.

zapper55

I dont think your solution is going to solve anything just make things messier.

ManOfMystery

Yanna3783 wrote: »

He is a very nice guy, and tries to please everyone, absolutely everyone and hates people not getting on.

This is the crux of the problem. On the surface, one would naturally assume that a nice guy who tries to please people is a pleasure to be around. But more often than not, these people lack the ability to be assertive or make decisions which may affect/contradict arrangements with others - and that can be hugely, hugely frustrating.

There is such a thing as being too nice. He's a doormat at the moment, and he's unwilling to rock the boat too much.

I agree with the above, I think this 3-month trial with a view to renting out his house will only complicate matters and will not change the fundamental problem here - which is that he is unable to say no to his family or set sensible boundaries. We all want to maintain good relationships with our families, but this is taking the mick.

You might get past this current housing issue, but there will inevitably only be another problem down the line - his brother will lose a job, or someone will take sick and need to move house closer to other family members, or any one of hundreds of other scenarios - and he will no doubt bend over backwards again to accomodate them.

Yanna3783

I get it about the house, if rented to his brother. Thanks for pointing that out.

He has 3 months to sort this mess out. However given by the reaction I had yesterday evening, where he was a "tad" bit upset, I think I will be the one leaving.

Yanna3783

Idbatterim wrote: »

sell the house to the brother or if he is on decent money or let him buy his own house! I read the first page and skipped to this, so only saw the ultimatum thing now, but its your only option I feel, walking without even giving an ultimatum, might be a bit too far as a first step. Also tell me about controlling families and it is unbearable! Is it not great in a way, that they have moved?

yes its great they have moved, however the mother is constantly in the house, with all sorts of reasons. So between the mother, brother and girlfriend we have no space to ourselves if I go over. And when I do in order to have a private conversation, we go for a drive.

I am due to stay over this weekend, however I am not sure what the story is in relation to them being there...he assured me he will speak to his brother & mother. I don't have any trust in this anymore. I do feel I get fobbed off....he hates talking about this issue, absolutely hates it.

Yanna3783

zapper55 wrote: »

I dont think your solution is going to solve anything just make things messier.

Do you have any other ideas as I'm at a loss right now and don't know what to do, other than just walk away, which I really really don't wish to do at present.

osarusan

I married a woman with fairly dominating and intrusive in-laws, from a culture where dominating and intrusive in-laws are par for the course, and the first thing we did (heavily at my suggestion) was to move about 200km away from them, for the first year of marriage, and establish our own marriage, on our own terms, without their influence.

Much easier said than done, but putting distance between him and his family might help. The two of you by yourselves seem to be a solid unit, so the less influence or presence from his family the better.

Avoid renting to his brother long-term if possible, as he'll end up losing out and not being able to do anything about it.