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Child Item

Son with mental health issues, left home

LegacyUser

Hi all, my son is 21 and has had some mental health issues since he was about 15. We've gotten him into the supports he needs over the years and tried our best to support him.
However, about 4 weeks ago, he decided to leave home. He was fired from his job and broke it off with his girlfriend. He packed a bag and was gone. We had no idea where he was, what he was doing or if he was safe. It turned out he was staying in Airbnbs and was ok.

He came home over the weekend but up and left again on Monday morning with no warning. He says he won't come home. I could be here all day going into details about his situation but to be honest, I'm so bloody upset, angry, worried, ashamed, embarrassed etc etc.

He has a small amount of money but that is going to run out very soon. People around me are saying to leave him to it, he's 21 and he'll soon realise how hard it is to manage on nothing.

I'm also so ashamed of his behaviour - he is so manipulative and uses a lot of emotional blackmail to make me feel sorry for him. He blames his stepdad for everything. This man has raised him since he's 2 and has done so much for him over the years. I feel very judged. We have a very happy home. No violence, no addictions, always supportive of our kids hobbies, schooling etc.

But the real question I have is what do I do? Do I call the gaurds? Do I leave him alone and let him come home when he's ready? Do I get relatives to try and talk to him? I called his psychologist but she wont call me back. I feel helpless.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Neyite

He's an adult. Unless he's classified as an incapacitated adult (which doesn't seem to be the case here) he's free to make his own choices.

If you hadn't mentioned his age I'd have guessed you were talking about a fifteen year old kid. But it's someone who's three years into adulthood and it might be that he's the one belatedly cutting the apron strings. You were ringing his psychologist but why would you expect that they would discuss your son with you? They can't - he's an adult.

I think you need to leave him alone, let him figure out his life. Let him figure out how to earn his living and support himself. He might come back with his tail between his legs or he might do a lot of maturing and continue to stand on his own two feet.

I don't get why you'd be embarrassed or ashamed though? And why would you go to the Gardai? What crime has your son committed?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply Neyite. To expand a bit more, my son has severe anxiety which can bring on delusional thoughts and paranoia so my concern for him is warranted. In terms of calling the guards, this was suggested to me as, just in case he decides to take his own life, the guards have my details. Even writing that makes me feel sick.

I terms of calling his psychologist, I do not want any information on their sessions, I wanted to let her know that a) he has disappeared again and b) to find out if he expressed any self harming.

I know he's an adult and I know he needs to stand on his own two feet - I've been pushing him towards independence for a long time.

In terms of the shame, that I suppose is my own thing...he hasn't treated me very well and I suppose I'm just ashamed that my own son could do that? If that makes sense?

zoobizoo

It's a tough situation.

I've a friend with bipolar and when he's going through a manic episode, it is very tough, for all involved.

I don't think there is a lot you can do unfortunately other than be there for him and to let him know that you're there for him.

Do not feel judged though - none of this is your fault.

Has he an uncle/aunt/cousin/friend who has been able to get through to him in the past?

I'm surprised his psychologist hasn't called you back - I've had meetings with my friend's psychiatrist in the past in order to work out how to deal with him/try to encourage him to take medication/plan of action when he's manic/other therapy options.

What type of mental health issues?

seamus

This is a good opportunity for some introspection.
Go get some counselling for yourself. Be open and honest wth the counsellor, find out what they think about your relationship with your son (and his stepdad), and how you can be a more effective parent to him. You say he uses emotional blackmail, which presumably is about putting the blame onto you for things. Is there any truth to it? Might you need to change your approach? If there's no truth to it, and it's pure narcissim on his part, then you need the tools to deal with that, too.

He blames his stepdad for everything, and you say his stepdad has done a lot for him over the years. These two positions are not incompatible. You can both be right.

These are issues that counselling could help you work through. You have supported your son for six years through his issues, now it's time for you to get some support of your own.

Outside of that, as has been said, he's an adult. And while his mental health issues are a cause for concern, they are still his issues, not yours.

You don't give any indication that he is going to immediately harm himself, or someone else. So you have space now to breathe, there's no need for panic.

My suggestion would be that you send him a message. One without guilt or pleading or demands for information. Just let him know that you are not angry with him, that you love him. Tell him that he is always welcome to come home if chooses to, the door will always be open for him whether it's next week or next year. And if he does come home there will no questions or judgements. Tell him that the only thing you need from him is to know that he's OK, wherever he is.

It's obviously impossible for me to tell based just on a single post, but if I had to guess I would imagine that he has been constantly pestered with questions about where is he is, what he's doing, who he's with, and so on. And he might just be looking for some freedom away from all of that.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for all the replies. Some very valid points there.

'It's obviously impossible for me to tell based just on a single post, but if I had to guess I would imagine that he has been constantly pestered with questions about where is he is, what he's doing, who he's with, and so on. And he might just be looking for some freedom away from all of that' - thanks for this Seamus, yes, you are probably right with this comment. And yes, I have been guilty of asking his whereabouts etc.

The last text I sent him was exactly what was suggested - told him I understand he can't come home, told him there is always a bed for him. Didn't say I love you but that was just an omission on my part. I constantly tell him that.

I'm seeing a counsellor next week which is good, I've also contacted Shine who run a monthly support group for families of people with mental health disorders.....so in relation to self care, I think I'm on the right path

'What type of mental health issues? ' - Zoobizoo, he has been diagnosed with severe anxiety and OCD. He has lost jobs due to his OCD...its pretty terrifying when he is in the throes of it...he has fear of contamination/being hacked....

I have two other younger sons also who I am trying to protect and shelter but the older of the two is well aware. He's doing his JC this year so we're trying to make sure he's ok...

Thank you again.

hawley

Hi, you are in an awful situation. You are probably worried that he'll get himself into danger and end up being murdered but I think you have to leave him be. He sounds like he's very frustrated and angry. Maybe he realises at the back of it, that he's not fully able to stand on his own two feet and is looking to lash out at people because of it. You have to leave him until he asks for help or if something goes wrong. I would start to try to liasie with Social Services to secure accommodation for him, cos I don't think it's going to be viable to live with him in your house.

poisonated

I have OCD myself and I know it’s not easy on my parents. From my experience, there is not much you can do from here unfortunately. You have done very well by sending that text message. He has to overcome this by himself. When I was that age, I used to argue a lot with my parents. Just know that oftentimes, he is just acting out because he is angry. Angry that he has a disabling illness that can’t be overcome. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you though.

Lux23

I think he will come home once he runs out of money, so maybe leave him to it. I went through something similar over Christmas and the worry was almost incapacitating for me, so I hope you have support from somewhere.

afterglow

Hi OP
I know there are some very techy folk here, who are able to quote bits of posts, must learn that myself one of these days... But for now
The one thing that really jumped out at me in your post, was the feeling ashamed
I'm not saying your not justified to feel this, hard to judge from one post etc, but if your sun, at all, in any way, is aware you feel this, this will not help, but hinder his progress
he likely already feels like an inconvenience, I know I do, being disabled, and having mental health difficulties on top of that isn't easy, or on its own, so even though you need to look after yourself, just try to not hammer home the feeling ashamed to him, because its hard to deal with, if you already have stuff going on in your head, i say this from experience of having parent's that have difficulty with my mental health struggles

qwerty13

afterglow wrote: »

Hi OP
I know there are some very techy folk here, who are able to quote bits of posts, must learn that myself one of these days... But for now
The one thing that really jumped out at me in your post, was the feeling ashamed
I'm not saying your not justified to feel this, hard to judge from one post etc, but if your sun, at all, in any way, is aware you feel this, this will not help, but hinder his progress
he likely already feels like an inconvenience, I know I do, being disabled, and having mental health difficulties on top of that isn't easy, or on its own, so even though you need to look after yourself, just try to not hammer home the feeling ashamed to him, because its hard to deal with, if you already have stuff going on in your head, i say this from experience of having parent's that have difficulty with my mental health struggles

I do understand what you’re saying, and I feel for you and the OP’s son - but I’d have to say that from the other side, it can be utterly and completely exhausting trying to support someone and getting nothing back except anger. It’s soul destroying, and incredibly hard to carry on.

Of course we know the person with MH difficulties needs support, and we try, but sometimes it becomes just so overwhelming that it causes its own MH difficulties in those trying to support. And no one except a sainted person can support all of the time. It’s just not feasible. Exhaustion and frustration creep in.

I don’t think any family or friends of someone suffering from MH issues would wish anything other than the best for them. But it’s hard. It’s a really really hard path. The role of family / friends / carers is very far from easy.

Rubberchikken

I don't get the feeling ashamed.
The lad is unwell. Is he truly capable of staying safe out there. Once his money runs out, can you be sure he will come home,?
People in these circumstances with mental health issues are vunerable and at risk.

Is there any way to get him home and back to therapy/meds?

Always Tired

He'll be back, and he'll be fine. Hopefully realizing that it isn't all someone else's fault. Even people with mental issues need to learn basic things about society and their place in it, just real world stuff that sometimes their families shield them from (not saying yours did that but I have autistic cousin who thought they were gonna go off and start a new life and then realized they had it pretty good, were incapable of more things than they knew and quickly returned).

tara73

seamus wrote: »

My suggestion would be that you send him a message. One without guilt or pleading or demands for information. Just let him know that you are not angry with him, that you love him. Tell him that he is always welcome to come home if chooses to, the door will always be open for him whether it's next week or next year. And if he does come home there will no questions or judgements. Tell him that the only thing you need from him is to know that he's OK, wherever he is.

this. sorry, OP, but I don't get the impression from your posts he can be feel really loved and accepted by you.

in your OP it's more about you and blaming him, you feeling ashamed and him behaving badly towards his stepfather etc.
My guess is he's gone because he can't cope with this additional stress and pressure by you on top of his fragile mental state.

Sardonicat

Always Tired wrote: »

He'll be back, and he'll be fine. Hopefully realizing that it isn't all someone else's fault. Even people with mental issues need to learn basic things about society and their place in it, just real world stuff that sometimes their families shield them from (not saying yours did that but I have autistic cousin who thought they were gonna go off and start a new life and then realized they had it pretty good, were incapable of more things than they knew and quickly returned).

And some of those fortunate enough without mental health issues really need to learn about mental health issues and the role their attitudes to it has in compounding the difficulties faced by those who suffer in this way. It's not a 'them and us'. Anyone can find themselves mentally ill at any stage in their lives. That includes you. Oh, and by the way, autistic spectrum didorder is not a mental illness.

[Deleted User]

deep sympathies OP, but hes an adult and theres only so much you can do.

i think, totally contrary to some of the recent posts (which i think are incredibly harsh on you tbh), that you should work on putting some things in place so that you can compartmentalise the control that your son exerts over you, without attaching any blame either way but accepting the limits of your control here and not allowing it to flood the rest of your life.

sometimes its not only acceptable, but actually very healthy/wise to limit the effect a person in your life with mh issues has over you, because at the end of the day you have to have enough resources left to be there for others who need you as well as keeping yourself well.

you're there for your son, but you cant force things to happen.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies.

In response to your message Tara, that is not true at all. You're only getting a snippet of what's going so I find it very insulting that you think he doesn't feel loved. He is and has been showered with so much love and support over the last years. Its not about me or his stepdad but it gets to the point where we have to mind ourselves and our relationship. So while appreciate your comment, I find it very upsetting.

Yes I'm angry, yes I'm upset, yes I feel hurt, yes I feel utterly helpless - but these, I think are normal feelings for a mother to have when they experience and witness the deterioration of their first born child. I have researched and read up on his issues and tried to understand as much as I can. I'm not throwing bouquets at myself, its the reality.

I am so worried about him, he's on mind 24/7.

Rubberchicken - I hear what you're saying and the answer is I don't know. I texted him last night asking if he was ok and his reply was 'yeah safe'. So what do I do now? He wont tell me where he is so unless I go the guards, report him missing and let them find him, what else do I do? Genuine question.

In terms of the ashamed feeling that some of you have questioned, the shame is a personal response to his treatment of me, his mam. So I'm not going to try and explain it further as I can't, its just a feeling that I have that I can't shake.

Querty13 - thank you for this.

Afterglow - thank you for your reply. I understand your point as I have tried so hard over the last few years to really try and empathise with my son and his troubles. I've never ever ever seen him as an inconvenience. Ever. He is my son and I love him to bits. But he has caused serious issues in the family and this is taking its toll hence my initial original post. I would never tell him I feel shame. However, I have told him my own mental health and resilience is being tested. I believe he needs to know this.

Sardonicat - as I mentioned, I have tried to educate myself as much as I can. I had serious post natal depression after my last child and was on meds for a short time so I have a small insight into what he's going through. Definitely not the same as his issues but a little insight. And just to mention, our youngest is autistic and non verbal and I agree, its not a mental illness.

Snoopsheep - I fully expected harshness and support, that's why I do like boards for anonymous advice. I don't take it personally as, believe me, I have nearly killed myself with guilt over the last number of years. We have tried in the past to put things in place (basic house rules like two way respect, clean up after himself, we'll stay out his space etc etc) but to no avail.

I'm so bloody confused as to where we go from here. But again, thanks for all the replies.

His grandparents came out last night and they are going to try and contact him too....

LegacyUser

Sorry and just wanted to add, I definitely am not perfect and have made mistakes over the years in my care for him...I do acknowledge that. And so does his stepdad. However, I do feel we have did our best

Paulramone66

I would contact a qualified Psychologist. Sit down with him or her-outline the situation and ask for advice.
You dont have to give him money unless he asks for it. If he does-you are entitled to ak him where he is etc.
But seeing a trained professional is key. It would be dangerous to advise you without knowing his full history and with people not being familiar with his condition

spaceHopper

If you think he might kill himself or if he might be having paranoid delusions you need to go to the guards, give them the name of his psychologist and let them talk to them. Has he stopped taking his medication? Does he need a spell in hospital?

Best case you are wrong and they find him safe and well. He’ll be annoyed with you but he’ll have to get over it.

pinkyeye

I think people are picking up the shame thing wrong, if I'm reading it right OP you feel shame towards yourself, not towards him?

I know that feeling because when your child goes off the rails you're always going to blame yourself. I know I did, my daughter went through similar from the age of 13 to 20. She's 27 now and hopefully a lot better and we're able to laugh at the rows we had etc.

Hope it all works out for the best.

I wouldn't be contacting the Gardaí yet, especially not while you're getting an answer to your texts. If he has answered that yes he's safe you just have to take his word for it for now.

Graces7

re your earlier post.

What shines out is that you have raised your son to trust you mightily. So much that he feels safe leaving home; he knows where you are and that he will be safe with ou but needs to fly free

Does that make sense? It does to me!

So please stop lacerating yourself, You have done great and are doing great in a very tough and intricate situation..

veryworried 2020 wrote: »

Sorry and just wanted to add, I definitely am not perfect and have made mistakes over the years in my care for him...I do acknowledge that. And so does his stepdad. However, I do feel we have did our best

joeguevara

Firstly you sound like great parents. Honestly I think your focus at the moment should be on your partner because it sounds like he bore the brunt of your son’s behaviour.

Honestly your son needs to spread his wings and learn about life. My best advice is offer support, love and a safe haven any time he chooses to return but don’t smother him.

It’s not your fault if he flounders, support him when he does and be proud when he does well. Be proud of the loving environment you gave him but now is the time to take care of you and your partner.

I hope everything works out for you all.

AulWan

Nothing really to add, you've gotten some good advice here so I don't wish to repeat it, but can I also just ask that you please be mindful of your middle child. You say they are preparing for their Junior Cert? So they must have mocks coming up soon and all that.

I grew up in a family where one child's issues dominated everything. Everything was centred around them and they got all my parents' attention and focus and those of us who were doing alright got the crumbs that were left over when they had the energy which was rare and infrequent.

I understand in retrospect that they were doing the best they could but to a child or teenager it can feel pretty lonely and like you don't matter as much, and that can lead to resentments forming.

I hope he is okay, and that you will be okay. Mind yourself too. Best of luck.

kaymin

'However, I have told him my own mental health and resilience is being tested. I believe he needs to know this.'

I would be wary of implying to him that he is a burden no matter how true it is. It's one thing him thinking it but another when someone says it.

I think the best you can do is regularly asking him if he is safe / okay and to let him know you are there to support him whenever the time is right.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, just wanted to post a quick message to say thanks again for the advice and comments. Very much appreciated.

He arrived home on Friday and has pretty much holed himself up in his room or when he's not there, he's out with his mates. He's avoiding me.

I didn't shout or scream or demand anything from him. We were very calm. He was due to his psychologist today but he didn't go. He's not taking his meds either.

So we're kind of back to square one with him - no job, no income, no desire to do anything. Its going to be a tough ride.

We're going to take each day as it come and give him the space he needs.

And just to say, we are doing all we can for our other two boys to keep their lives happy and normal and supportive...….

Always Tired

Sardonicat wrote: »

And some of those fortunate enough without mental health issues really need to learn about mental health issues and the role their attitudes to it has in compounding the difficulties faced by those who suffer in this way. It's not a 'them and us'. Anyone can find themselves mentally ill at any stage in their lives. That includes you. Oh, and by the way, autistic spectrum didorder is not a mental illness.

I'm well aware of that, which is why I didn't say it was a mental illness. I used the exact words the OP used in the title, mental issues, which I didn't even necessarily mean to include the autism. No need to jump down my throat.