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Erection problems with girlfriend

completedit

Hey guys, some really big advice here. I guess some of you will be aware, have made a few threads on here to say the least.
Basically my issue is I can’t get an erection when about to have sex with my girlfriend. I’m so attracted to her and even when we’re out in public, I get hard when we kiss or hug or something but in the bedroom, especially when I know sex is about to happen, it just won’t happen. I might get a boner in the cuddling, watching a show/listening to music stage but outside of that, when ‘the moment’ for sex is about to happen, the lights are out and nobodies home.
She’s super understanding and compassionate but at same time, I should be the one initiating. I have no idea what to say to her at all or to do.
I’m in good shape, eat well, I do wake up with morning word so it isn’t a testosterone problem but maybe it’s my attitude to sex. We have done it and it was great the few times we have but it’s the unpredictability and the feeling that when we start fooling around, the guy downstairs won’t show up.

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wirelessdude01

Stage fright pure and simples. Not quite sure how you go about solving it though.

completedit

It’s not typical stage fright though. I think I need to stop porn, it’s not porn that’s the problem but probably my attitude to sex. For me, sex or masterbation was something I didn’t when I felt low about myself. I never associated any sexual act with feeling good.

LegacyUser

Yea sounds like a case of stage fright or 'performance anxiety' to give it a more 'official' sounding title. . I used to get it a bit when with someone new, apparently it's quite common. Maybe visit doc who might prescribe something to sort you out? Assuming theres nothing physically wrong with you youll be grand.

zapper55

I'm not surprised you have performance issues considering her recent comments in another thread. I would too. Do you feel good enough for her? I suspect it's the comments playing on your sub conscious.

ILoveYourVibes

zapper55 wrote: »

I'm not surprised you have performance issues considering her recent comments in another thread. I would too. Do you feel good enough for her? I suspect it's the comments playing on your sub conscious.

I am not privy to this. Dunno what was said. But the subconscious affects attraction performance etc for both genders.

Is it more an emotional issue. Also in public you know you are free. It can't go all the way so ..no pressure.

Millionaire only not

completedit wrote: »

Hey guys, some really big advice here. I guess some of you will be aware, have made a few threads on here to say the least.
Basically my issue is I can’t get an erection when about to have sex with my girlfriend. I’m so attracted to her and even when we’re out in public, I get hard when we kiss or hug or something but in the bedroom, especially when I know sex is about to happen, it just won’t happen. I might get a boner in the cuddling, watching a show/listening to music stage but outside of that, when ‘the moment’ for sex is about to happen, the lights are out and nobodies home.
She’s super understanding and compassionate but at same time, I should be the one initiating. I have no idea what to say to her at all or to do.
I’m in good shape, eat well, I do wake up with morning word so it isn’t a testosterone problem but maybe it’s my attitude to sex. We have done it and it was great the few times we have but it’s the unpredictability and the feeling that when we start fooling around, the guy downstairs won’t show up.

Sur ur in your 30’s and little experience from the way u have wrote past threads !
Go pop a blue one give her a good seeing to !

ILoveYourVibes

Millionaire only not wrote: »

Sur ur in your 30’s and little experience from the way u have wrote past threads !
Go pop a blue one give her a good seeing to !

There isn't anything wrong with doing that. If the op does it the first few times he might relax and not need it after that.

don't get reliant on them though.

But as a bridge to get past the mental block it might be a good idea for a little while op.

Obv contact your doctor though.

sexmag

My advice would be if you give yourself a hand shandy often then stop,like no low fives for a week.

Then when you are with your gf and are having a make out session,make sure youre both naked and then when the man down their wakes up...go for it

ILoveYourVibes

sexmag wrote: »

My advice would be I'd you give yourself a hand shandy often then stop,like no low fives for a week.

Good lord you are a genius ..i am going to try the female version of this! Wish me luck!

JustJoe7240

funkey_monkey wrote: »

https://touch.boards.ie/thread/2057946968/1

Who was this car for? Title makes it out you are female??

Im just going to take a wild guess here, Maybe it’s for his gf?

ILoveYourVibes

funkey_monkey wrote: »

https://touch.boards.ie/thread/2057946968/1

Who was this car for? Title makes it out you are female??

oh yeah

leggo

If you’re getting erections normally and when you wake up in the morning etc, it’s not likely to be a physical issue and is in your head. Take it easy and stop putting the focus on the moment itself. Spend loads of time on foreplay in general and let things naturally progress, you’ll have a much better time anyway rather than doing just enough to get hard then going for it. Like you can set little fun gambits for yourself like not having penetrative sex until she orgasms once, so then a lot of the pressure is taken off your shoulders because you’ve already looked after her. Remember sex is supposed to be fun so chill out, slow down and enjoy everything rather than building up pressure in your head.

completedit

Guys thank you but I’m none the wiser. We’ve been through so much. She was the first girl who respected and showed me sympathy when I told her I was a virgin. I’ve managed to get hard, but we’ve been together for 6 months(3 was long distance) and we’ve only had penetrative sex like 4 times and I’ve never cummed. I’m not super down about it or anything, just isn’t ideal. With her, everything is perfect, we ‘fit’ each other well and when we’ve had sex together it’s been good. She tells me she really likes it and she makes me feel attractive and sexy(which I am

haha) but i dunno, what to me is weirder is that I was able to have sex with her two weeks in a row and got so hard but last few times, just nothing. I ****ing hate porn tbh but then I read that it may have nothing to do with diminishing sex drive so not sure how much abstaining will do.
I just messaged her tonight telling her am really horny thinking of her and I actually am. Using support would be weird because I feel healthy. I know I’m sexually attracted to her. I feel good around her, I even feel our sex is pretty good and natural, everything is great, just the uncertainty is annoying. Also, it’s a bit compounded because of a few reasons, my sensitivity isn’t great, I’m circumcised and when flaccid I’m quite small, thankfully when erect it fits her in terms of length well and I’m wide but it just means foreplay without being at least a bit hard isn’t that pleasurable except for seeing her face doing the act.

Sorry I’m being overt but I need to change my approach to sex and sexuality as well so forgive me if you’re grossed out.

LegacyUser

Focus on her pleasure instead of your own, it'll help distract you and take your mind off worrying. When you say you've only had sex 4 times, I hope you just mean traditional penetrative sex, you are still pleasuring each other more often right,? Just cos you can't have intercourse doesn't mean everything is off the table...

completedit

BTW guys, have lived my entire life with the shame of having Hypospadias, which it seems I blew out of proportion. It wasn’t ideal obviously, spent a lot of time in hospital but I think the extent of it was too much. The way my mum and dad talked about it was understandably to make me feel good about myself that I had ‘fought’ this battle against this birth defect. But I think it made me feel like it was a much more unique and ‘freakish’ thing than it was in reality. My member isn’t the best looking but it’s fine and he’s got some width

I somehow need to change my perception of myself. I always felt I was low in testosterone and that my penis was why I wasn’t a ‘Jack the lad’ in the natural sense, tried to be a class clown but always felt I lacked that male spark(whatecver that is) and I attributed it to the guy down there. I felt as though I wasn’t a true guy and that my sexuality was taken away from me.

completedit

Doodaaa wrote: »

Focus on her pleasure instead of your own, it'll help distract you and take your mind off worrying. When you say you've only had sex 4 times, I hope you just mean traditional penetrative sex, you are still pleasuring each other more often right,? Just cos you can't have intercourse doesn't mean everything is off the table...

Ah in terms of this, I probably need to focus on myself a bit more, I think I’m too worked up about pleasing her and just wanting her to be satisfied rather than thinking about how I benefit from it. Honestly, I loved the last time we did it together, it felt amazing, was the first time I actually could see why youjizz isn’t a good subsititute for the real thing but really, what I enjoyed was that it ‘made me feel like a man’, which maybe isn’t the best mentality but maybe it’s the most normal. But you’re defo right, I think I need to have the pressure off with her and we need to explore our sexuality in other ways.

GooglePlus

Maybe try a Viagra a few times, it will allow you to focus on the task at hand instead of your erection.

After sex becomes less of a big deal to you, you might find that it will play less on your mind beforehand.

You can get a legal subscription online through Lloyd's Pharmacy.

completedit

I might, she said the only thing for her is it wouldn’t really feel like ‘us’, but I told her that she’s seen me literally get erections in public places with her, that I’m clearly turned on and aroused by her. My only weird thing is that I was able to get hard a few times and have enjoyable sex, she’s quite sexual actually, but because I didn’t ‘finish’ maybe that caused me to overthink it again

LegacyUser

Women in general are more pleased sexually by oral than intercourse....when you say you've been too focused on pleasing her, keep.in mind that actual penetrative sex isn't probably what she's too focused on, she probably has other thing that'll please her more than that, so you don't need to be so worried if you can't get hard.

Also, you mention you can get hard when sex isn't an option..maybe explore that a bit more? Maybe have sex in some of those 'inappropriate' situations (obv within reason where you won't get into trouble)?

[Deleted User]

Have a few drinks, then go for it. There's nothing wrong with you. Just enjoy yourself. Men have been brainwashed to "think of her pleasure first" so much that they can't enjoy sex themselves. Forget about that. Give yourself permission to indulge yourself. You will be surprised at the results.

As an aside, the way your mum and dad talked about your hypospadias seems to be screwed up to say the least. Might be no harm to talk to a therapist about that.

completedit

Deleted User wrote: »

Have a few drinks, then go for it. There's nothing wrong with you. Just enjoy yourself. Men have been brainwashed to "think of her pleasure first" so much that they can't enjoy sex themselves. Forget about that. Give yourself permission to indulge yourself. You will be surprised at the results.

As an aside, the way your mum and dad talked about your hypospadias seems to be screwed up to say the least. Might be no harm to talk to a therapist about that.

Ah, I was born with a bone profusion out of my chest as welll I came close to dying. I think I always equated the hypospadia as being connected with that, and for my parents it was probably all tied into the battles I faces, weeks and month outside of school.

completedit

Hey, so just back again.

If I was to say, my problem is inconsistency, randomly I’ll be able to get an erection and have intercourse but it’s like 80/20 off and on. I’m starting to feel a bit worried that the girl is thinking it’s her. We slept together last night and when we woke up, I had morning wood. We got down to business and I was inside her but I lost my erection and we just go on with our day. We’ve decided to not dwell on it but I could see she was a bit disappointed last night when we tried to go. We had a deadly day and night and when we went to have sexy times, the guy downstairs just didn’t get going at all. Maybe it was too late, we didn’t get going till like 2am, so maybe I was just shattered and not feeling it? I’m getting a bit miffed about my size as well recently, I’m starting to feel that unless I’m super super hard I can’t have sex and maybe this isn’t a problem other lads have. I feel like I have good girth. When we have had sex, my gf is satisfied and genuinely enjoys it but I dunno.

I am away from home at the minute, perhaps I need therapy. I’m in a good place though, feeling good and enjoy the girl and don’t feel anxious. I mentioned my size but even still, that’s just normal thoughts for a guy to have, way I see it i’m Happy with my girth. I think I’m confused as to what turns me on. Lately, have decided to quit porn and instead imagine the girl to arouse me. A few nights ago I had a dream we were doing it and I woke up with a hard on and I was so happy because to me it was like my subsconious KNOWING I find her not only physically and mentally appealing but sexually as well. But don’t know how to tap into that. I think I have a problem with being in the moment, I love our chemistry and pre sex build up but honestly, my small size while flaccid just means I don’t enjoy foreplay. Hand jobs nor blow jobs do anything for me. This is a bit of a problem because what happens is we enter in a bit of a race against time to get P in V.

Honestly, feel weird writing this but we get on great and the relationship is going really well too, such nice and good vibes, but just the intimate act of sex and missing out on it truly, just leaves a little bit of an unfinished business feeling.

Squeaksoutloud

Condom can be a real boner killer...feels like a barrier between ye in some ways. Maybe see if other things will work or whether she is on contraception it might help.

completedit

Haven’t used a condom actually. Has been pretty ideal. Thanks for the input. I’m trying all sorts of diet ideas hoping something will work.

It’s not a problem with ED, it’s ED when surrounded by the girl. I’ve been in bed with 10 other girls before, she was the first one I ever had actual sex with, the times before I never got hard. It’s just weird, got hard twice in a row with her and we had sex and then I didn’t finish on either occasions. That caused me to wonder about why can’t I finish which then caused the next time to get no erection. I probably shouldn’t even be writing on here because thinking about it will do nothing only create that negative feedback loop but haven’t a clue what to do. I just don’t feel like my libido is high enough tbh.

I’m being a bit too descriptive so sorry here but when I jack off using imagination, I notice two things, I rely not really on a death grip but like a sort of shake grip which to me seems to ‘awaken’ him and also, when I imagine, thinking about the girl submitting to me and sort of worshipping me is what seems to excite me(just a weird fetish) Honestly, i know this isn’t a blog but just have to flesh out my thoughts in writing once I get going. People who have followed me on here over past few years will know my attitude to women and sex is weird. Honestly, I can’t help that. I’m a good person and have a really nice relationship with the girl but i feel my experience in the bedroom are related indirectly to that. I need some way of channeling intrusive thoughts and being fully present. I notice the girl she’s totally involved when we do it, whereas I am still me, still switched on. I need to know how to lose myself in the moment as a wise man once said.

cj maxx

If it's only with this girl, then get it out of the way.
Go to your doctor, try to get cialis , pop one and a big glass of grapefruit juice before you get funky and have a great time.
If it is just a stage fright problem, get it done with and move on

completedit

cjmc wrote: »

If it's only with this girl, then get it out of the way.
Go to your doctor, try to get cialis , pop one and a big glass of grapefruit juice before you get funky and have a great time.
If it is just a stage fright problem, get it done with and move on

See thing is we have had sex. She was my first time. I thought once we did it once we'd be sucking the proverbial but wasn't the case.

cj maxx

completedit wrote: »

See thing is we have had sex. She was my first time. I thought once we did it once we'd be sucking the proverbial but wasn't the case.

Right . Still see your doctor. If it is an ED issue it will help. If it is only to get you to regular sex / getting to know her it will help.
I'm only saying that from experience I know that having sex with a girl after a night out is very different to having her / you call over knowing that she is there to have sex. The pressure to 'perform ' can be immense.
If you can get past that a few times and relax with each other, while knowing sex is definitely going to happen your problem might go away. Or you get get it sorted. Happys either way

CobraClan

Stop pulling it!
Stop watching porn!

Guarantee it makes a big difference!

Abstain from all sexual pleasure for at least 7 days, 3 weeks is better!

Reset yourself!

LegacyUser

I definitely think therapy is needed here. A good therapist will be able to give you the right 'homework' to do to try to sort out the issues you're having.

tara73

I don't remember other threads but have you actually ever tried real therapy with a good therapist specialised in sexual issues?

You can go on and go on posting here but in the end it will not help because your issues seems too deep. Writing with strangers on the internet is a virtual world, it never can substitute talking to a real, professional person who is good in what he/she is doing. Unfortunately there are many unprofessional therapists out there too, but the effort to look for the right one is worth it.

That's my advise, visit a professional.