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Anyone else fed up of dating apps?

MrFaul

I've been on and off dating apps the past few years and pretty much sick of them at this stage. One reason is the amount of chatting for a meagre return and another is that the majority on dating apps are in Dublin (naturally as it's the most densley populated part of the country), and I'm ages away from 'Dooublan'.

There's only every about five 'wans' online at anyone time in my area, so not much to choose from ha. What are your thoughts or dating apps or what what's been your experience with them? Positive? Negative? A mxied bag?

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Potential-Monke

Purple Mountain wrote: »

You had a 5' 11" beard?

XD I wish! It's about 9 inches at this stage I reckon.

Ficheall

Potential-Monke, I hope your messages on Tinder are shorter than those on here - some women are very conscious of their biological clock.

Potential-Monke

Ficheall wrote: »

Potential-Monke, I hope your messages on Tinder are shorter than those on here - some women are very conscious of their biological clock.

I've tried short, long, one liners, jokes, memes, pictures, you name it! But in general, short. And I usually post short, but posting short on this topic would leave out information and lead to, well, the last few pages. And I held back on them!

Wibbs

Purple Mountain wrote: »

You had a 5' 11" beard?

:D:D:D Feck off PM! :P:)

Church on Tuesday

Ficheall wrote: »

Potential-Monke, I hope your messages on Tinder are shorter than those on here - some women are very conscious of their biological clock.

I reckon they would prefer that to yet another dick pic.

Potential-Monke

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

I reckon they would prefer that to yet another dick pic.

The one thing I haven't sent... Hmmmm...

RacoonQueen

Potential-Monke - you read like confidence is a major issue for you. You've had 3 long term relationships so you can't be all that repulsive to women.
Why do people have such a problem with 'rejection' - you meet someone you are interested in, tell them, if they reject you, so be it. You can move on rather than wondering if they are interested or not, if that was a signal or not etc

Personally, I've always had a thing for red heads, plenty of women do. Being honest though, the living with the parents thing would be offputting for me - would depend on the reason but I've been with someone in mid 30s who lived at home and it was just because he wasn't arsed fending for himself accommodation wise/paying his way/saving for his own place as soon as I realised that, I completely lost interest. Was literally waiting for his mother to pop her clogs so he could have the house. Incredibly unattractive.

BorneTobyWilde

Just join Seeking Arrangement, where every girl replies lol

Potential-Monke

I reckon the lack of confidence comes from being bullied at school (small, red hair, kinda gets under your skin after a while), and having a long term relationship nearly one after another, so missing out on what one of my mates called the 'sexual formative' years. And when I get rejected, as much as I don't want to, my brain races trying to figure out why, what I could have done differently, was it something I said or did. I over analyse the rejection and come up with nothing, and it gets me down. Working on that, but just avoiding it altogether is easier.

And yeah, I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with me, but as you said, 36 and living at home is not the most attractive of outlooks, regardless of the reason. Even if someone was ok with me living at home as I'm helping my parents out in their golden years, it's still an issue that can't be avoided. Especially on the likes of dating Apps (where it's not mentioned, but would have to be mentioned at some stage should I get a match), where there's most likely a shopping list of guys for the ladies to chose from, i'd be automatically at the bottom for that 1 reason. Add in 5'6", which is 2" below what most consider the min height for a guy (serious amount of taller ladies on dating sites I've noticed lately). Beard, hair colour, looks, activities, personality and everything else will take a back seat to living arrangements. Just look at the adults living at home thread for views on that.

I'm typing too much again...

Church on Tuesday

RacoonQueen wrote: »

Potential-Monke - you read like confidence is a major issue for you. You've had 3 long term relationships so you can't be all that repulsive to women.
Why do people have such a problem with 'rejection' - you meet someone you are interested in, tell them, if they reject you, so be it. You can move on rather than wondering if they are interested or not, if that was a signal or not etc

Personally, I've always had a thing for red heads, plenty of women do. Being honest though, the living with the parents thing would be offputting for me - would depend on the reason but I've been with someone in mid 30s who lived at home and it was just because he wasn't arsed fending for himself accommodation wise/paying his way/saving for his own place as soon as I realised that, I completely lost interest. Was literally waiting for his mother to pop her clogs so he could have the house. Incredibly unattractive.

This.

People get rejected all the time, people get rejected for jobs for example, certain college places... it happens.

It's a fear thing, which is normal, but you are going to get rejected in all aspects of life. A lot.

What matters most is that you don't let that bother you. So what if she/he isn't interested.

There's loads of other single people out there, try to keep moving forward in life and it will come good in the end.

anewme

You are being way too harsh on yourself.

What are your positives?

Potential-Monke

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

There's loads of other single people out there, keep moving forward in life and it will come good in the end.

I'm patiently waiting!

Oh, one last factor that goes against me, don't want kids. And about 95% of profiles on these dating apps they say they eventually want them. The ones that don't want kids are most likely in a relationship already.

Anyway, as you said, and as my mother always said, what's meant for you won't pass you by, but I could stick an arm out and stop one every now and then just to see! The wedding recently gave me a slight boost, i'm heading to a gig next Thursday in, as Ivory Tower News puts it, fckin Dublin, and there's some social events with the new job coming up soon, so I may be lucky! I'll update this thread if/when it happens!

anewme wrote: »

You are being way too harsh on yourself.

What are your positives?

Loyal, dependable, good listener, will never cheat (turned down a 4 some with 3 women previously... yeah, i'm that monogamous, and that will never happen again, at least until I'm in another relationship, when it is most likely to happen), I like to think i'm funny/humorous, laughing is something I do a lot and like to make my partner laugh too, up for nearly anything, ah.... It's like i'm trying to fill out my POF profile again!

Earthhorse

RacoonQueen wrote: »

Why do people have such a problem with 'rejection' - you meet someone you are interested in, tell them, if they reject you, so be it. You can move on rather than wondering if they are interested or not, if that was a signal or not etc.

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

This.

People get rejected all the time, people get rejected for jobs for example, certain collage places... it happens.

It's a fear thing, which is normal, but you are going to get rejected in all aspects of life. A lot.

What matters most is that you don't let that bother you. So what if she/he isn't interested.

There's loads of other single people out there, keep moving forward in life and it will come good in the end.

This is very philosophical. In the real world most people do not simply shrug off rejection, especially repeated rejection, so easily a lot of the time anyway.

Purple Mountain

You can't be that ugly if 3 women wanted a triste with you!

Potential-Monke

Purple Mountain wrote: »

You can't be that ugly if 3 women wanted a triste with you!

Which baffles me more! All the female friends throughout the years have said similar things, the right one will come along, etc, but never them. My friendzoned 'bff' for about 9 years literally described me when telling me about her perfect man...

Anyway, there must be something about me that makes me initially unattractive but attractive enough once in a relationship. It's that step that's getting me!

Church on Tuesday

Earthhorse wrote: »

This is very philosophical. In the real world most people do not simply shrug off rejection, especially repeated rejection, so easily a lot of the time anyway.

But rejection is a part of the real world, like it or not.

It only matters as much as you want it too, which frankly, is energy wasted.

Move on to the next opportunity and never look back.

RacoonQueen

Earthhorse wrote: »

This is very philosophical. In the real world most people do not simply shrug off rejection, especially repeated rejection, so easily a lot of the time anyway.

Practice makes perfect and all that. By being more forward and putting yourself in those positions, you get better used to it and not taking it too badly. Of course it stings when someone you are really intersted in rejects you - but you get over it and you move on. It's far better than looking for signs, looking for openings, constantly hoping something will just happen and pining for them when they never give you a second thought.

Tell them you're interested.
Ask them casually to do something with you sometime that is a shared hobby (whatever that may be cycling, hill walking, antique hunting...whatever) see how they react...if they like you and want to get to know you better, they'll surely jump at the chance to spend time with you. No?
Unfortunately, Irish men are useless :pac: going by some I know and these types of threads, even sometimes if they 'reject' you it doesn't mean they are not interested, they still might be really interested but they rejected you because they don't really believe you're interested or think you're winding them up because you know they like you or some rubbish :rolleyes:

Church on Tuesday

Bullet To The Head? wrote: »

Ok Chad. For the rest of us it helps though.

Hi again.

Earthhorse

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

But rejection is a part of the real world, like it or not.

It only matters as much as you want it too, which frankly, is energy wasted.

Move on to the next opportunity and never look back.

Not saying it’s not. But most people don’t live their lives this way.

RacoonQueen wrote: »

Practice makes perfect and all that. By being more forward and putting yourself in those positions, you get better used to it and not taking it too badly. Of course it stings when someone you are really intersted in rejects you - but you get over it and you move on. It's far better than looking for signs, looking for openings, constantly hoping something will just happen and pining for them when they never give you a second thought.

I don’t get the feeling he’s not doing that. Given that he’s saying he’s tired of rejection he is putting himself out there.

Unfortunately, Irish men are useless :pac: going by some I know and these types of threads, even sometimes if they 'reject' you it doesn't mean they are not interested, they still might be really interested but they rejected you because they don't really believe you're interested or think you're winding them up because you know they like you or some rubbish :rolleyes:

I can’t follow who "they" is in this paragraph so don’t really get you, sorry.

Potential-Monke

Bullet To The Head? wrote: »

Wtf?? How does something like even happen? And you are the ugly ginger guy?!

Seriously, I struggle with the idea of even one woman finding me attractive. It's like everyone got invited to the party except me.

It was a very rare occurrence I can never see happening again. Happened while I was a Garda, had 2 injured parties from the same rented house, 2 college girls (I was 28 at the time, they were 22/23) having issues with their fellas, criminal damage involved. Did all that needed to be done, and a few months later met them on a night out with their 3rd house mate. Drinks were had, dances were danced, and they invited me back to theirs (my missus at the time was working nights). About 20 minutes later, I was sitting on their couch, and quite suddenly found one sitting on each knee and the third kneeling in front of me. Now, maybe I read the entire situation wrong, what with not being able to read/understand signals, but it felt like it was going one way, so I put a drunken stop to it... Think I might have cried at that stage too, both for my courage to say no, and my courage to say no...

RacoonQueen wrote: »

Unfortunately, Irish men are useless :pac: going by some I know and these types of threads, even sometimes if they 'reject' you it doesn't mean they are not interested, they still might be really interested but they rejected you because they don't really believe you're interested or think you're winding them up because you know they like you or some rubbish :rolleyes:

I did used to put myself out there, but as mentioned the rejection does get to me. And to cover it, I didn't only chance the odd one, I did put myself out there, but the fish were not interested in taking it to the next stage - nearly always managed to become friends with them though... I did christen myself Captain Friendzone for a while!

Anyway, the part I quoted, this is why I find it hard to understand. I ask, they reject, but they may be interested anyway?! WTF? How am I supposed to understand that from a rejection? Men may be useless, but these women don't help! I could see my lady friend playing these games, and I never understood it. Maybe I have some sort of autism or something, it apparently runs in the family. Completed an online test just there to see, and I may be on the spectrum. I have enough labels already thanks!

Potential-Monke

Bullet To The Head? wrote: »

You almost achieved something that 99.9% of men will never experience. You should have gone for it.

I know, thinking back I keep saying I should have, but I know myself if I'm in a relationship and it happens again, I'll still say no, just the type of guy I am. While single, the opportunity will not present itself.

As an aside, why does that happen? Why do you start getting more attention once you're in a relationship? Is it a case of the other party wanting what they shouldn't have?

[Deleted User]

Potential-Monke wrote: »

I know, thinking back I keep saying I should have, but I know myself if I'm in a relationship and it happens again, I'll still say no, just the type of guy I am. While single, the opportunity will not present itself.

As an aside, why does that happen? Why do you start getting more attention once you're in a relationship? Is it a case of the other party wanting what they shouldn't have?

If you had, then you'd be the guy that close to 100% of women don't want to be in a relationship with: a cheater.

I think the theory is that a man in a relationship has proved his worth because someone else has found him attractive as a partner, a single man doesn't come with that pre-approval so is less attractive. In reality, it's hard to know but it's probably a little bit of the solid track record thing, and little bit of the forbidden fruit. For some, anyway.

It's also true the other way round, in my experience.

Potential-Monke

Candie wrote: »

If you had, then you'd be the guy that close to 100% of women don't want to be in a relationship with: a cheater.

And that's exactly why I didn't. I've been cheated on, it's horrible. I'm sure she wouldn't have been impressed with 2 girls sitting on my legs and another kneeling in between, but there was no need to tell her as nothing happened. But yeah, if it's one thing I'm not, it's a cheater.

Strazdas

joeguevara wrote: »

I don't think people should compare rejection on dating apps with real life. In reality it's much more similar to Skilling at someone in a bar and they don't engage. Usually on a dating app it's only a picture and maybe a short text. Its not rejection in it's real sense.

I'd agree. Being rejected online would hardly count as a rejection at all. Being rejected face to face would feel a lot more real.

Potential-Monke

Strazdas wrote: »

I'd agree. Being rejected online would hardly count as a rejection at all. Being rejected face to face would feel a lot more real.

It still stings a little, and if it's happening 99.9% of the time on the dating apps, you begin to question yourself, and the downward spiral begins. Unfortunately, not everyone has the mental fortitude to react to every rejection positively. The joys of individuality!

Update: I joined Bumble the other night, never heard of it before but the 'she makes the first move' is interesting. I've just got my first match. Now we play the waiting game, as she has 24 hours to contact me. Maybe I could turn this into my romantic escapades thread!

RacoonQueen

Earthhorse wrote: »

I can’t follow who "they" is in this paragraph so don’t really get you, sorry.

The paragraph starts by specifying 'Irish men' - I then go into saying going by some I know and the ones on these types of threads...would it not be obvious then that the 'they' is the Irish man that is rejecting a woman?

seenitall

Ah a man with a grounded sense of self and a stable character is soooo attractive. It's kinda funny that you usually only have the opportunity to observe that in a guy because you've rejected him. If he stays a decent, pleasant human being after a rejection, my appreciation of him shoots up immediately. This is what is meant by the saying that confidence is attractive. Not some show-off posturing, or passive-aggressive "slagging" which hides a bruised and fragile ego.

To a well-adjusted person, rejection is nothing, really. Just a normal part of life, which doesn't reflect on one's worth as a person, or on the ones who reject, either. I have been rejected many, many, maaaaany times in my life (yes, I'm a dinosaur, mid-forties), especially romantically (because I am proactive about it all, I've no patience once I know I like someone, I'll do something about it.) It really is a sort of a test of personality, so much can be gleaned about someone from how they deal with rejection. You have to be able to take it in your stride and move on, unencumbered and unembittered, otherwise the type of person with a healthy self esteem will run from you.

Last year I had a false start with a younger guy who went psycho on me once I cancelled a late night "date". It wasn't pretty, and the more he lashed out in pain, the more turned off I was, and the more relieved that something made me cancel it at the last minute. Then after he calmed down, he came back apologising, acting all nice as pie and still expecting something might be salvaged. No way, Jose. I've seen the real You now. You simply have to be able to absorb your rejections and your losses in life, it is vital, otherwise you'll be signalling your emotional instability and emitting bitterness all over the shop, and no one worth having will want to be near ya. It's called maturity.

[Deleted User]

seenitall wrote: »

Ah a man with a grounded sense of self and a stable character is soooo attractive. It's kinda funny that you usually only have the opportunity to observe that in a guy because you've rejected him. If he stays a decent, pleasant human being after a rejection, my appreciation of him shoots up immediately.

So instead of not rejecting him and going on a date to find out about his grounded sense of self, you only find out when you've rejected him and it's too late?

Earthhorse

RacoonQueen wrote: »

The paragraph starts by specifying 'Irish men' - I then go into saying going by some I know and the ones on these types of threads...would it not be obvious then that the 'they' is the Irish man that is rejecting a woman?

No, because for the last few pages of the thread and the preceding paragraph of your post we've been talking about men asking women out and getting rejected. I'm also not familiar with men rejecting women even though they do actually want them; I guess just the classic "hard to get" phenomenon revisited, so I was confused.

Thanks for clarifying.

seenitall

MetzgerMeister wrote: »

So instead of not rejecting him and going on a date to find out about his grounded sense of self, you only find out when you've rejected him and it's too late?

Like I said, rejection is a part of life. If you're in any way a socially active (on-and-off single) woman, you will not only have a lot of rejection to deal with throughout life, but unfortunately also a lot of rejection to hand out. Sometimes I won't be attracted to someone at first, but this can grow through seeing him regularly in social situations and just getting to know a person in a non pressurised social environment. (i have to say, this has evolved a small bit as well, I used to be way more impulsive when younger, it would have been just a "yay" or "nay" practically on first sight, and not a second thought given thereafter. Things change as people, ahem, mature.)

By a non-pressurised social environment, I mean anything but a "date", essentially. I even loathe the word, but that's just me. The whole concept just feels so frickin American and artificial. (I'm not Irish, I'm from EE, so may have something to do with it.) It's just hanging out with someone, this time without other friends around. This thing of going to a specific appointment to specifically gauge another person's romantic potential is so cold, contrived, unromantic. (So you can imagine how well the dating sites worked for me in the first place. Abandoned a long time ago.)

Ok, I've really digressed there, but the original point was that opinions and feelings can and do change, and it doesn't even have to be in some long time frame. Attraction works in mysterious ways. This is why I think that as long as you are being yourself, and as long as yourself isn't an insufferable, angry or mentally ill pirck/btich/headmelt, you can hold your head high within the vagaries of romantic life and keep on truckin' through, with the knowledge that you are a worthwhile human being and you are doing your best. No regrets. I have no regrets because I put myself on the line when something matters to me, every time. Even when I have changed my mind and have to do a u-turn. With the type of guy I change my mind about, it will rarely be too late

(By the way, the above u-turn scenario is pretty much the main plot twist of the two of the most acclaimed Jane Austen novels; in other words, a romantic lit trope - but in real life it doesn't really happen that often!!

)