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Child Item

Adults living with their parents...

guitarzero

This post may(/must?) have been done but sure....

As someone in their late 20's living with their ma (and 2 siblings of late 20's), it's driving me up the wall. Unemployed and for the time being, dependent on her for a roof over my head. I give rent, daily job seek, get up around 9,10, do odds and ends around the house that need done and pretty much keep a bit of a low profile. Yet this does not curtail the underlying tension and arguments that spark out of nowhere. She's regularly stubborn, irrational and reactive which leads to needless arguments. Are all Irish mammy's like this? She's in her mid 50's and her behaviour is getting petty and ridiculous. These bouts are a feature now, myself as the regular target. There is no talking, its very much a defiant 'my way or the high way' kinda tripe.

I'm curious as to how other folks well into their 20's and upwards are managing living with their parents. Do they find themselves caught up in regular needless disputes? Of course theres 2 sides to every coin and I am not claiming to be an angel but these particular sparked reactions are the hall marks of a unbearable, irrational, petulant child.

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Squall Leonhart

eviltwin wrote: »

I'm taking rent from my daughter. It's a nominal amount because she's not earning much. I call it rent but it's to cover food and other stuff she uses that I have to pay for. It's fair, I work hard, her dad works hard... Why should we not use our disposable income to treat ourselves? Why shouldn't she be expected to pay her way same as she would elsewhere? I'm not running a charity and she's not a child. She is responsible for her own life in every respect, all we do is provide a bed. If she doesn't like it she's free to leave but she doesn't complain because she's not an entitled brat.

I don't think you'll get many people arguing with you here. Teaches her the value of money as well.

iamwhoiam

Why are people so judgmental about others lives ? Its not affecting others how people live and its up to families how they choose to sort out their financial arrangements .

eviltwin

Macy Salmon Squeegee wrote: »

Covering some bills or paying towards food is different (if they accept it, many won’t) but actually paying rent makes zero sense. The mortgage is the same if you live there or not, many won’t even have a mortgage anymore also.

The majority of parents won’t accept rent, I bet most never even heard of the concept, I wouldn’t have only for reading about it on boards as I’ve ever seen it discussed or mentioned anywhere else. So saying it’s “respect” or fairness” doesn’t come into it at all.

I'm taking rent from my daughter. It's a nominal amount because she's not earning much. I call it rent but it's to cover food and other stuff she uses that I have to pay for. It's fair, I work hard, her dad works hard... Why should we not use our disposable income to treat ourselves? Why shouldn't she be expected to pay her way same as she would elsewhere? I'm not running a charity and she's not a child. She is responsible for her own life in every respect, all we do is provide a bed. If she doesn't like it she's free to leave but she doesn't complain because she's not an entitled brat.

[Deleted User]

Trigger Happy wrote: »

But do you not find it a bit demasculating having your parents still look after you long in to adulthood? Like when do the apron strings get cut?

What’s the definition of apron strings? I’m building a house next door to my parents so I won’t be going too far away if that’s what you mean.

I don’t know what the “looking after” you are on about is though?

hynesie08 wrote: »

Until he got married, noxy still brought his washing back home to mammy, those strings are fairly long.....

Who said I stopped? I’m living at home most of the time for again now for the last while and will be until our house is built.

hynesie08

Trigger Happy wrote: »

But do you not find it a bit demasculating having your parents still look after you long in to adulthood? Like when do the apron strings get cut?

Until he got married, noxy still brought his washing back home to mammy, those strings are fairly long.....

Trigger Happy

Macy Salmon Squeegee wrote: »

The only person who considers it sponging is you and a few others, most would find it unusual to be paying rent to live in their own home. Many parents don’t want or need the money and some may even take offense and their children tying to pay them. If I tried to pay rent (which I wouldn’t as it’s a crazy concept) I’d find the money transferred back into my account, probably rounded up to a higher amount.

But do you not find it a bit demasculating having your parents still look after you long in to adulthood? Like when do the apron strings get cut?

[Deleted User]

partyguinness wrote: »

Oh I dunno. Paying your way as a responsible adult would be a start. It doesn't have to be market rate by any means but at least something.

Do you not feel even an iota of guilt sponging off your parents? You are not 10.

The only person who considers it sponging is you and a few others, most would find it unusual to be paying rent to live in their own home. Many parents don’t want or need the money and some may even take offense and their children tying to pay them. If I tried to pay rent (which I wouldn’t as it’s a crazy concept) I’d find the money transferred back into my account, probably rounded up to a higher amount.

I pay one or two of the bills most of the time (I say most as sometimes they remember I’m paying them and give me money to cover them). But paying rent to sleep in my own bedroom that I’ve had for 34 years, couldn’t get my head around that.

DebDynamite

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I 100% understand all of this. I graduated at just about the worst possible time and have struggled my entire adult life.

The problem is these people who look at people like me and assume we've had help don't actually realise that *they* are the ones who have it easier. You know why I ended up taking any job I could get and heading abroad to work? Because I had no fcking option. I didn't have Mammy's free house and home cooked meals. I think this is half the problem - people just get too comfortable and refuse to give up these home comforts and then moan about the 'economy'.

Sorry, but any working adult should be able to afford at least a basic room in a flatshare and to support themselves. The economy is far better than it was in 2008, and I was doing it then. The minimum wage in Ireland is really high and last time I looked, you could still get a room for 500 euro-ish.

I'm looking at possibly accepting a good job offer in Zurich and the jealous comments I've gotten have been pathetic. People saying 'isn't it well for you?' etc. Those same people who bullied me at school for being studious and not hanging around the park smoking and drinking feel entitled to have what I have despite doing absolutely nothing to earn it. One of these people turned down a job because she'd have to take two buses to get there. An absolute joke. I didn't get this offer out of nowhere or because one of my parents pulled strings. It's been years and years of hard work and graft and thankless sh1tty jobs and studying in the evenings after working all day. Many, many tears and feeling like it was all pointless and I'd never get anywhere. Feeling completely isolated and alone with no support from anyone and risking losing the little I had when I decided to go for a big career change at 32. Once I had a job again, spending all my disposable income and my little spare time on going to German classes at night because I'd been told I'd have better opportunities on the continent.

And people look at me and say my parents must have helped me out. It's galling, tbh. If others have no resilience or initiative, fine, but I wish people would stop going on as if everyone who isn't 30 and jobless and living at home is privileged.

I completely agree with you. I think it’s a great idea for someone to live with their parents for a few years while they save for a deposit. Not everyone is that lucky to be able to do so. That wasn't an option for me. I’m from the country and left home at 17 to move to Dublin for college/work, so all my adult life I’ve always had to pay rent in Dublin. Through saving and sacrificing many things, I was able to buy a house with my partner at that time, which wasn’t that long ago either.

I know people in their 30s from Dublin who have only ever lived at home, but they’re out every weekend and haven’t a pot to piss in. Anyone in that position should have a huge chunk of money put aside. Granted the price of property right now is pretty high, and it’s difficult to buy a place on your own, but they haven’t even near a deposit ready to put towards a house during the next dip in prices, or if they meet a partner whom they could buy a place with.

TheIrishGrover

mr_fegelien wrote: »

As I said, it's mostly an American thing. I know of one guy who pays rent in my class and he's 19. He's from a pretty strict African family so no surprises there.

And why should he feel guilt for sponging off his parents? It's hard living in Ireland. Very expensive. Would you say the same for kids from rich parents?

It is also hard and expensive for parents. When I moved back home in my early 20's I had a job but not enough to live away from home so of course I paid rent. Thankfully I was only there for about 18 months but I paid rent. Did I pay the going rate? No: I paid about half.

You shouldn't think of this as paying parents rent. You should think of this as getting a good deal on rent which you would otherwise have to pay elsewhere.

I do find the sense of entitlement shocking and disappointing. Parents are under no obligation to let their adult children stay at home. Let's face it, staying at home probably means meals, laundry and other benefits so not paying rent when able to smacks of not only entitlement but predatory greed.

Tony EH

SusieBlue wrote: »

Yeah, my parents don't ask for a cent but I still hand up a few hundred every month. Its still significantly below the market rate to even rent a room so I'm still saving a lot.

I think this is generally the norm for most. Sure, even when I was on the dole after I left college, I'd hand up a few quid to mam every week to help out. When I started working I handed up more, but I was only ever putting across a minimal amount.

The parents never once expected me to pay them rent though.

Tony EH

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I'm with you there, but that doesn't mean that living at home in your thirties is the norm unless you had financial help. Sorry, but that's utter bullsh1t.

I don't think anyone is saying that it's the "norm" or that they are comfortable about the reality of such situations. The vast majority of people would rather not live with their parents when they are in their late 20's and into their 30's. But the fact is that it is extremely difficult to make ends meet, with regards to ones future housing concerns, if you are out pissing away money of exorbitant renting costs.

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

What I do have a problem with is people insinuating that it's impossible to move away/abroad without financial help from parents and implying that those of us who could do it were lucky. That's utter delusional sh1te, sorry.

Again, I don't think anyone is saying that it's "impossible", but it is very difficult to do, for most, without help of some kind.

You, because of your unfortunately family situation, were forced to move out and go your own way. But that doesn't mean that others should be happy to follow in your footsteps. Moving out of a family home - one that runs with a certain amount of functionality - and into a crappy renting situation where one wastes a large bulk of their wages (which have been largely stagnant since 2008) will never be a superior move to staying in that family home and trying to save enough money to buy a place of your own.

It used to be easier and make more sense in my day, where you'd move into a rented house in your 20's, with a long term view to buying something more permanent later in life. But in the late 90's property prices were mangled into this nightmarish nonsense of unaffordable dreams and that hasn't really changed in the last 20 years, despite the crash. It's only been made worse, too, by leech landlords upping their rents, because they have a captive audience who cannot afford to buy their own place.

None of the above should be happening and it's very damaging to society in serious ways, as we've seen with grown men and women in their 30's and 40's moving back home with their elderly parents, or never moving out in the first place.

Antares35

mr_fegelien wrote: »

As I said, it's mostly an American thing. I know of one guy who pays rent in my class and he's 19. He's from a pretty strict African family so no surprises there.

And why should he feel guilt for sponging off his parents? It's hard living in Ireland. Very expensive. Would you say the same for kids from rich parents?

I don't think it is just an American thing. I know lots of people who pay something because they believe it is the right thing to do. My parents would let me live there rent free if I wanted, my old room is always there, but I wouldn't take advantage of them just because they are my parents. They raised me, fed me, put me through education etc. They don't owe me a free existence just because they are my parents... Yes it is hard living in Ireland - it is hard for parents too especially if they are on a pension. It's not cheap running a house, paying utilities, house insurance, home heating etc.

Trigger Happy

partyguinness wrote: »

These posts are predicated on the assumption of a working child living with parents.

Bringing up medical issues is just pivoting into a completely different angle.

Or just plain trolling.

partyguinness

mr_fegelien wrote: »

What if you have autism and can't get a job?

These posts are predicated on the assumption of a working child living with parents.

Bringing up medical issues is just pivoting into a completely different angle.

SusieBlue

mr_fegelien wrote: »

What if you have autism and can't get a job?

But I don't have autism and I do have a job?
Whether its earning a wage or getting social welfare, if you are living at home you should contribute towards the running of the house.
No one should get a free ride, its that simple.

partyguinness

mr_fegelien wrote: »

As I said, it's mostly an American thing. I know of one guy who pays rent in my class and he's 19. He's from a pretty strict African family so no surprises there.

I know plenty of guys back in Cork who paid toward their upkeep and a say, €50.00 a week. I now work in England and I know both of the young girls I work with in their 20s pay toward their upkeep.

mr_fegelien wrote: »

And why should he feel guilt for sponging off his parents? It's hard living in Ireland. Very expensive. Would you say the same for kids from rich parents?

Well...because they are sponging off their parents and yes I would say the same about rich kids. I was not raised to sponge or piggyback off anyone- pulling my weight was drilled into me. My parents did not molly coddle me and I look back with gratitude for the values instilled in me but that's just me.

As I said paying say, full market rate would be crazy and I am not pushing that but even €50.00 a week or at least pay the bills.

mr_fegelien

SusieBlue wrote: »

I don't see it as rent. I see it as a contribution towards the costs of running the home I live in. It doesn't matter that I don't own the home.

I am using a bedroom, using the water/electricity/internet, etc. Why would I not pay towards those bills as a working adult?

What if you have autism and can't get a job?

SusieBlue

mr_fegelien wrote: »

As I said, it's mostly an American thing. I know of one guy who pays rent in my class and he's 19. He's from a pretty strict African family so no surprises there.

I don't see it as rent. I see it as a contribution towards the costs of running the home I live in. It doesn't matter that I don't own the home.

I am using a bedroom, using the water/electricity/internet, etc. Why would I not pay towards those bills as a working adult?

mr_fegelien

partyguinness wrote: »

Oh I dunno. Paying your way as a responsible adult would be a start. It doesn't have to be market rate by any means but at least something.

Do you not feel even an iota of guilt sponging off your parents? You are not 10.

As I said, it's mostly an American thing. I know of one guy who pays rent in my class and he's 19. He's from a pretty strict African family so no surprises there.

And why should he feel guilt for sponging off his parents? It's hard living in Ireland. Very expensive. Would you say the same for kids from rich parents?

partyguinness

Macy Salmon Squeegee wrote: »

Why would you pay rent to live at home? Crazy concept imo that I’ve only ever heard about on boards. My parents would laugh at the idea and transfer the money back if I even attempted to pay rent to them.

Oh I dunno. Paying your way as a responsible adult would be a start. It doesn't have to be market rate by any means but at least something.

Do you not feel even an iota of guilt sponging off your parents? You are not 10.

LirW

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I 100% understand all of this. I graduated at just about the worst possible time and have struggled my entire adult life.

The problem is these people who look at people like me and assume we've had help don't actually realise that *they* are the ones who have it easier. You know why I ended up taking any job I could get and heading abroad to work? Because I had no fcking option. I didn't have Mammy's free house and home cooked meals. I think this is half the problem - people just get too comfortable and refuse to give up these home comforts and then moan about the 'economy'.

Sorry, but any working adult should be able to afford at least a basic room in a flatshare and to support themselves. The economy is far better than it was in 2008, and I was doing it then. The minimum wage in Ireland is really high and last time I looked, you could still get a room for 500 euro-ish.

I'm looking at possibly accepting a good job offer in Zurich and the jealous comments I've gotten have been pathetic. People saying 'isn't it well for you?' etc. Those same people who bullied me at school for being studious and not hanging around the park smoking and drinking feel entitled to have what I have despite doing absolutely nothing to earn it. One of these people turned down a job because she'd have to take two buses to get there. An absolute joke. I didn't get this offer out of nowhere or because one of my parents pulled strings. It's been years and years of hard work and graft and thankless sh1tty jobs and studying in the evenings after working all day. Many, many tears and feeling like it was all pointless and I'd never get anywhere. Feeling completely isolated and alone with no support from anyone and risking losing the little I had when I decided to go for a big career change at 32. Once I had a job again, spending all my disposable income and my little spare time on going to German classes at night because I'd been told I'd have better opportunities on the continent.

And people look at me and say my parents must have helped me out. It's galling, tbh. If others have no resilience or initiative, fine, but I wish people would stop going on as if everyone who isn't 30 and jobless and living at home is privileged.

I really respect you and wish you well on the continent, you deserve every bit of it.

I see where your resentment comes from a lot better now. I am from the continent where living at home and third level all works differently. Moving to Ireland and seeing very different values was indeed a bit of a culture shock, vastly different to what I grew up with. We were turfed out at the age of 19/20 because living and sharing is a lot cheaper and college degrees don't require constant attendance so it's easier to work but it'll take you 4-5 years to get your ordinary bachelor's degree (Hons don't exist where I come from and my sister just finished her BA after more than 5 years).

As an example: my husband and his peers also graduated right after the crash and all that was waiting for them was the dole queue. One of his best friends though came from a quite wealthy background. While the husband and other peers moved on to normal secondary schools, said friend went to a well known private school in Dublin. Coupled up as teenager with a girl from fairly good background too, they're married now. He went on to college with all expenses paid, graduated and connections got him into a very sweet job and he moved on to one of the big banks, earns really good money.
Now he's a really sound lad and not arrogant in any way but this was his life, himself and the wife bought on a very nice area on the Northside 3 years ago and while they did get a headstart for buying, they were still working hard.
But their peers stayed behind. For my husband it wasn't a flatshare with his friend because he decided to move in with the girlfriend. For him it was a 17k a year desktop support job after college and living at home. He very prone to burning out quickly when stressed.
Besides the one friend everyone struggled. It is now getting better but even statistics have proven that starting a career during an economic disaster will see your income staying behind.

You did the smart thing and went abroad and it was easy for you to do so. People will always be nasty and begrudge hard earned success because they don't see the struggle you went through.
I think the issue is though that there are two separate things at play: you resent people that are entitled pr*cks and hate to see you successful because they couldn't do it for whatever reason. Chances are these people will always, in every run of life be completely useless and hard work.
The other issue is legitimate economic struggle that has little to do with how the economy was 10 years ago since it affects young adults differently. Right now it does make sense for young people to stay at home, otherwise their chances of ever owning a home in a country where renting isn't viable in the long run, is going to be minimised. That does affect young people that decided against going abroad to work and live and it's fair play, not everyone can cope with such a radical change.

Be proud of being the self-made woman you are by fighting for it and f*ck the haters.
But it has little to do with young adults in 2019 trying to get on their feet. In return said adults should understand that success stories from 10-20 years ago aren't relevant for their success because things have been different, in a good and a bad way.

SusanC10

mr_fegelien wrote: »

You people seem to have good parents. Any of you ever been kicked out with no where to go or know of anyone?

Not personally, No.

mr_fegelien

You people seem to have good parents. Any of you ever been kicked out with no where to go or know of anyone?

tylercheribini

Antares35 wrote: »

I hope there is an implied agreement that you can have a share in the winnings!

Families have fallen out over far less.

Antares35

SusieBlue wrote: »

Yeah, my parents don't ask for a cent but I still hand up a few hundred every month. Its still significantly below the market rate to even rent a room so I'm still saving a lot. They still have a few years left on their mortgage.

My mam had her eye on a lamp in Dunnes for ages so I picked them that up as a treat last month. If I'm getting a takeaway I'll pay for theirs too, I do the lotto for them a few times a month, pick the newspaper up for my dad if I'm passing the shop etc.
Just little things like that, which are no trouble to me but that they're very grateful for to show I appreciate them.

I hope there is an implied agreement that you can have a share in the winnings!

SusieBlue

Yeah, my parents don't ask for a cent but I still hand up a few hundred every month. Its still significantly below the market rate to even rent a room so I'm still saving a lot. They still have a few years left on their mortgage.

My mam had her eye on a lamp in Dunnes for ages so I picked them that up as a treat last month. If I'm getting a takeaway I'll pay for theirs too, I do the lotto for them a few times a month, pick the newspaper up for my dad if I'm passing the shop etc.
Just little things like that, which are no trouble to me but that they're very grateful for to show I appreciate them.

SusanC10

My siblings and I all lived at home at various points for various lengths of time after University. Never paid rent. My Dad would have never accepted that. Mind you, the reasons we were there in the first place were financial in that we were all either broke or saving at the time. And the Parents didn't have a mortgage.

Antares35

Macy Salmon Squeegee wrote: »

Covering some bills or paying towards food is different (if they accept it, many won’t) but actually paying rent makes zero sense. The mortgage is the same if you live there or not, many won’t even have a mortgage anymore also.

The majority of parents won’t accept rent, I bet most never even heard of the concept, I wouldn’t have only for reading about it on boards as I’ve ever seen it discussed or mentioned anywhere else. So saying it’s “respect” or fairness” doesn’t come into it at all.

If my sibling and I didn't pay the mortgage, my parents could simply sell the house, downsize and pay it off. As would be their prerogative. Just means they'd be leaving us a smaller house in their will. We are on a tracker, and so the majority of what we pay goes off the loan amount itself. I consider it an investment

I don't know how long (if ever) it would take me to find and afford a house like that in years to come, so have no interest in letting it go now.

o1s1n

Macy Salmon Squeegee wrote: »

Covering some bills or paying towards food is different (if they accept it, many won’t) but actually paying rent makes zero sense. The mortgage is the same if you live there or not, many won’t even have a mortgage anymore also.

The majority of parents won’t accept rent, I bet most never even heard of the concept, I wouldn’t have only for reading about it on boards as I’ve ever seen it discussed or mentioned anywhere else. So saying it’s “respect” or fairness” doesn’t come into it at all.

I still think it smacks of entitlement tbh. There's no way I could live at home, earn a wage and have my parents pay for everything. I'd be shoving cash into their pockets or transferring money to them directly without their choice in the matter.

Your parents are always going to be your parents, of course. However when you become an adult and earn a wage, you should pay your own way and be self sufficient. Shouldn't be relying on them if you can afford to contribute. Is it not incredibly embarrassing?

mr_fegelien

Macy Salmon Squeegee wrote: »

Covering some bills or paying towards food is different (if they accept it, many won’t) but actually paying rent makes zero sense. The mortgage is the same if you live there or not, many won’t even have a mortgage anymore also.

The majority of parents won’t accept rent, I bet most never even heard of the concept, I wouldn’t have only for reading about it on boards as I’ve ever seen it discussed or mentioned anywhere else. So saying it’s “respect” or fairness” doesn’t come into it at all.

Is paying rent an American thing? I know one guy in my class (19) who is forced to pay rent but he comes from a pretty strict African family so there's no surprise there.