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Child Item

Adults living with their parents...

guitarzero

This post may(/must?) have been done but sure....

As someone in their late 20's living with their ma (and 2 siblings of late 20's), it's driving me up the wall. Unemployed and for the time being, dependent on her for a roof over my head. I give rent, daily job seek, get up around 9,10, do odds and ends around the house that need done and pretty much keep a bit of a low profile. Yet this does not curtail the underlying tension and arguments that spark out of nowhere. She's regularly stubborn, irrational and reactive which leads to needless arguments. Are all Irish mammy's like this? She's in her mid 50's and her behaviour is getting petty and ridiculous. These bouts are a feature now, myself as the regular target. There is no talking, its very much a defiant 'my way or the high way' kinda tripe.

I'm curious as to how other folks well into their 20's and upwards are managing living with their parents. Do they find themselves caught up in regular needless disputes? Of course theres 2 sides to every coin and I am not claiming to be an angel but these particular sparked reactions are the hall marks of a unbearable, irrational, petulant child.

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Wildly Boaring

SusieBlue wrote: »

The mortgage obsession? Are you aware of the rental crisis?
If I could rent long term, securely, for a reasonable price like you can in other European countries I wouldn't bother with a mortgage at all.
Its to give myself security when I am elderly cause I sure as hell won't be able to pay €1,500 a month rent when I'm not working and I don't aspire to live in a house share at that age either.

I lived with my ex, renting, for several years. I moved home when that relationship ended last year.
I don't want to be living in a house share in my late 30's (no offence to anyone who does). I want to have my own children by then, so living in a houseshare at that point of my life isn't feasible anyway.
My commute is already about an hour, moving further out would only add another hour to it.

You seem to be really naive to the struggles people are facing trying to source accommodation.

If it were really that straightforward to just rent with friends, save for a mortgage, and have a decent quality of life and work/life balance there wouldn't be so many people in their 20's (and older) still living with their parents.

I really don't see the logic of putting myself through extra years of hardship paying extortionate rent when I can just stay at home, give my folks a few bob towards paying off their own mortgage and hopefully get my own a bit sooner than otherwise.

Yep that's nothing like what I was arguing.
My argument was to rent for extra few years rather than live with parents.

Nowhere did I argue to rent long term and especially into pension.

The simple fact is you do not want to house share. Your response to my first post was that you would love to and the freedom but alas it would set you back 4 or 5 years in your plan.

Plainly you prefer to live with your parents. Again nothing against that. I'd happily live with mine in my 20s but I'd prefer to house share somewhere. If renting with parents I'd expect to pay rent. That rent would be very similar to house share money.

I'm not naive about this. I'm just prepared to put up with a bit of hardship to rent. As per earlier longer commute, maybe deal with awkward landlord, sort the bills etc.....maybe there are those who aren't. It's easier stay with mammy.

[Deleted User]

Braelyn Fat Toe wrote: »

Yes I think it's sad that we have such a negative view of adults living with or moving back in with parents. Obviously it wouldn't work in some cases, but in others it means company, and practical and financial assistance for an elderly parent, and a nicer home in a nicer area for their adult son or daughter. What's wrong with that if everyone gets along and the adult child pulls their weight and takes on responsibility for some of the housework and maintenance and the parent treats their adult offspring like a proper grown up?

Of course there is nothing wrong with it, but some of the situtation people are talking about are mad and they are blaming the parents for that, you can be close to your parent and not live with them or you can be close to them and live with them.

SusieBlue

Wildly Boaring wrote: »

Yep that's nothing like what I was arguing.
My argument was to rent for extra few years rather than live with parents.

Nowhere did I argue to rent long term and especially into pension.

The simple fact is you do not want to house share. Your response to my first post was that you would love to and the freedom but alas it would set you back 4 or 5 years in your plan.

Plainly you prefer to live with your parents. Again nothing against that. I'd happily live with mine in my 20s but I'd prefer to house share somewhere. If renting with parents I'd expect to pay rent. That rent would be very similar to house share money.

I'm not naive about this. I'm just prepared to put up with a bit of hardship to rent. As per earlier longer commute, maybe deal with awkward landlord, sort the bills etc.....maybe there are those who aren't. It's easier stay with mammy.

Its not about being easier, its about being more logical.
If I did it your way I'd have to put off having children until my mid to late 30's.
That is not something I'm willing or prepared to do.
Its about priorities, really. And my priority is own my own place while paying my way to live at home.
I'm sacrificing some freedom but helping my parents financially and have increased my ability to save. Its worth it for that imo.
Short term pain, long term gain.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

Wildly Boaring wrote: »

Yep that's nothing like what I was arguing.
My argument was to rent for extra few years rather than live with parents.

Nowhere did I argue to rent long term and especially into pension.

The simple fact is you do not want to house share. Your response to my first post was that you would love to and the freedom but alas it would set you back 4 or 5 years in your plan.

Plainly you prefer to live with your parents. Again nothing against that. I'd happily live with mine in my 20s but I'd prefer to house share somewhere. If renting with parents I'd expect to pay rent. That rent would be very similar to house share money.

I'm not naive about this. I'm just prepared to put up with a bit of hardship to rent. As per earlier longer commute, maybe deal with awkward landlord, sort the bills etc.....maybe there are those who aren't. It's easier stay with mammy.

Don’t know where you are, but if it’s in one of our cities, even if kicking up money for bills and a bit of rent to your parents, it’s unlikely to be anywhere near the rents being charged for rooms in houseshares currently.

Wildly Boaring

Looked at Lucan there on Daft.
Talking 400 to 600 for house share.

You'd surely be giving the parents min 100 a week? So 420 or 430 a month?

veryangryman

Wildly Boaring wrote: »

Looked at Lucan there on Daft.
Talking 400 to 600 for house share.

You'd surely be giving the parents min 100 a week? So 420 or 430 a month?

I guess its alot of money when you consider that the morning buses tend to be packed on arrival from there. If or when you do get on, you join said sardines. You go home in the evening to a weird house where the communal area is never used and everyone lives in their room with (at best) a grunt when they see you in the house.

And the commute is rarely inside 1 hour

ToddyDoody

veryangryman wrote: »

I guess its alot of money when you consider that the morning buses tend to be packed on arrival from there. If or when you do get on, you join said sardines. You go home in the evening to a weird house where the communal area is never used and everyone lives in their room with (at best) a grunt when they see you in the house.

And the commute is rarely inside 1 hour

Still though, huge national debt. Rat race needs to be a priority.

Wanderer78

ToddyDoody wrote:

Still though, huge national debt. Rat race needs to be a priority.

Ah shur our national debt is only due to scumbags being scumbags

ToddyDoody

Wanderer78 wrote: »

Ah shur our national debt is only due to scumbags being scumbags

Ah ok, so we don't need to pay it back?

tylercheribini

ToddyDoody wrote: »

Ah ok, so we don't need to pay it back?

It will never be paid back, we have just about managed to service the interest on it.

ToddyDoody

tylercheribini wrote: »

It will never be paid back, we have just about managed to service the interest on it.

Its a bit like the small time gambler who ended up at the big boys table.

Wanderer78

ToddyDoody wrote: »

Its a bit like the small time gambler who ended up at the big boys table.

and the big boys walked off with all the money, and took none of the risk and none of the blame, even though they were paid well for their so called risk in generous interest rates. our national debt and public expenditure was just fine prior to the crash, as we were regularly running surpluses

[Deleted User]

ToddyDoody wrote: »

Its a bit like the small time gambler who ended up at the big boys table.

While playing with money that was given to them by one of the big players.
And lost!

zell12

The State recognises they are 'forcing' adult offspring to live with parents in Budget 2020.

The Department [Social Protection] provides a household benefits package which includes a gas or electricity allowance and a free television licence. For people under 70 years of age, they may not receive these benefits because another adult – usually an adult child – resides under their roof. I am removing this condition in Budget 2020. By doing this, we are recognising and supporting the role played by these families in providing a home to other adults, usually adult children. It provides additional support to vulnerable, multi-generational households at a time of high housing costs.

tylercheribini

zell12 wrote: »

The State recognises they are 'forcing' adult offspring to live with parents in Budget 2020.

Adult children?Oxymoron?Yes they are pulling on the green jersey and all that.

lainey_d_123

emilymemily wrote: »

Can I just ask, your child that went to live and study in the UK in her late teens, was she funding that all by herself or where you helping her?
Your other child that moved with her boyfriend, what sort of job did she get and was getting any financial help from you or the boyfriend she moved with?

Why do some people find it so hard to believe that others can actually act like grown adults and sort their own lives out?

I didn't get financial help from my parents after I moved out at 18 for college (and was having to pay for stuff like bus fares and school lunches long before that). I took out loans for college costs and accommodation and also worked part time.

Graduated right into the recession, so took a really crappy call centre job in Dublin while living in an overcrowded, freezing cold, manky flatshare until I had saved up enough to move abroad to teach English for a while. It was far from ideal but I thought a life overseas experiencing new things and saving up money was far superior to sitting at home on the dole or doing minimum wage work.

I'm 34 now and still paying off my student loan but have worked and lived all over the world, slowly gaining skills and experience and am now doing alright. I'm not privileged, I'm not any more fortunate than you. I've actually had some pretty crappy health physical and mental issues and am on the autism spectrum. I just knew that if I wanted to have a decent future, it wouldn't happen if I stayed at the family home whining about them like a child.

I really resent that people like you look at those who are actually being adults and assume they've had some kind of help you haven't had. Chances are, they're just way more resilient. Do you think anyone was helping me when I got really ill, aged 22, having just moved to Antwerp for work and not speaking a word of Dutch? I knew literally nobody and this was before smartphones and Google Maps. Had to just figure it out myself and get myself to hospital and deal with all the medical terms and insurance paperwork in a foreign language. It was one of the saddest loneliest weeks of my life, but I got through it. It's called character building. So many people this generation just don't seem to have any resilience at all - it's weird.

If you're 30 and living at home and thinking that anyone not in your position has had financial help, you're wrong. The economy isn't the issue - you are.

LirW

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

If you're 30 and living at home and thinking that anyone not in your position has had financial help, you're wrong. The economy isn't the issue - you are.

Fair play to you.
And while I really don't want to take away from your success, the whole spiel just goes the other way around. People aren't any worse for living at home and making it work and picking up on an offer from their own parents.

I recently returned to college as a mature learner and I have seen the schedule of the full time course. It is insane and there aren't many jobs out there that would cater to such a schedule. Even less of you have a long commute to college. A few people from my course dropped out already because they can't combine their jobs with a college schedule.

Another thing is that afterwards not everyone can live in houseshares because their circumstances, be it health or other commitments, don't allow this. I had a child by the time I was 20, it is impossible to find a houseshare with a baby, especially in this market.

And last but not least: you have shown great resilience for the share of sh*t life has thrown at you and you made it. There are others that won't be able to do it because the pressure is simply too much. That doesn't make them worse people. I dropped out of college after 18 months because I couldn't manage my job, college work, feeding a child and going through a bad stretch of mental health in my early 20s.

Everyone wants their child so succeed despite their immense pressure. This whole "character building" stuff I cannot really agree with though. We somehow accepted in society it's totally cool to impose ridiculous workloads and financial hardship on school leavers for this so-called character building. Judging by the lastest mental health statistics it might not be the way to go because this is the first generation that had to go through education and formative work years with the requirement of being mentally available 24/7, being ultra flexible, juggling the college work load while jobs catering a full-time education are increasingly rare and are then called weak snowflakes if they really struggle with it while older generations had different standards in pretty much everything.

[Deleted User]

Wildly Boaring wrote: »

Looked at Lucan there on Daft.
Talking 400 to 600 for house share.

You'd surely be giving the parents min 100 a week? So 420 or 430 a month?

Why would you pay rent to live at home? Crazy concept imo that I’ve only ever heard about on boards. My parents would laugh at the idea and transfer the money back if I even attempted to pay rent to them.

Tony EH

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

The economy isn't the issue - you are.

No. The economy IS the issue.

It shouldn't cost so much to get basic living necessities.

tylercheribini

Tony EH wrote: »

No. The economy IS the issue.

It shouldn't cost so much to get basic living necessities.

Yeah there is a real hyperindividualism-Thatcherite-pull yourself up by your bootstraps bang off some of the comments. "Struggling to climb the social ladder? Then its entirely your fault."

c68zapdsm5i1ru

LirW wrote: »

Fair play to you.
And while I really don't want to take away from your success, the whole spiel just goes the other way around. People aren't any worse for living at home and making it work and picking up on an offer from their own parents.

I recently returned to college as a mature learner and I have seen the schedule of the full time course. It is insane and there aren't many jobs out there that would cater to such a schedule. Even less of you have a long commute to college. A few people from my course dropped out already because they can't combine their jobs with a college schedule.

Another thing is that afterwards not everyone can live in houseshares because their circumstances, be it health or other commitments, don't allow this. I had a child by the time I was 20, it is impossible to find a houseshare with a baby, especially in this market.

And last but not least: you have shown great resilience for the share of sh*t life has thrown at you and you made it. There are others that won't be able to do it because the pressure is simply too much. That doesn't make them worse people. I dropped out of college after 18 months because I couldn't manage my job, college work, feeding a child and going through a bad stretch of mental health in my early 20s.

Everyone wants their child so succeed despite their immense pressure. This whole "character building" stuff I cannot really agree with though. We somehow accepted in society it's totally cool to impose ridiculous workloads and financial hardship on school leavers for this so-called character building. Judging by the lastest mental health statistics it might not be the way to go because this is the first generation that had to go through education and formative work years with the requirement of being mentally available 24/7, being ultra flexible, juggling the college work load while jobs catering a full-time education are increasingly rare and are then called weak snowflakes if they really struggle with it while older generations had different standards in pretty much everything.

Yes, in many ways I don't envy young people nowadays. They have a lot more choice, career wise, than my generation did but also incredible pressure to 'succeed', while being bombarded with images on social media of beautiful people leading glamorous lives (much of it photoshopped and heavily edited falsehoods). They are also, in many cases, expected to be available to employers 24/7 via email and mobile phones while also put under huge pressure to work above and beyond their contracted hours for no extra renumeration.

When I started working, the working day generally finished between 5 and half 5 for most people, commutes were short, and places like Rathmines and Ranelagh were full of flats and bedsits easily affordable to young people in their first job. It was perfectly normal for a couple to get married in their early twenties and be able to buy a house, within commuting distance of their job, on two very ordinary salaries and for one parent to either give up work, or go part time, after they had children.

And no, I'm not a hundred years old. A lot has changed in relatively recent times and you can't really compare what it was like for a previous generation to what it's like for people starting out nowadays.

ToddyDoody

tylercheribini wrote: »

Yeah there is a real hyperindividualism-Thatcherite-pull yourself up by your bootstraps bang off some of the comments. "Struggling to climb the social ladder? Then its entirely your fault."

It never ceases to amaze me at how useless the right wing can be at dealing with problems associated with being human.

tylercheribini

ToddyDoody wrote: »

It never ceases to amaze me at how useless the right wing can be at dealing with problems associated with being human.

Establishment c**nts born into wealth and privilege, generally only concerned with feathering their own nests by looking after their private interest backers.

Tony EH

Braelyn Fat Toe wrote: »

When I started working, the working day generally finished between 5 and half 5 for most people, commutes were short, and places like Rathmines and Ranelagh were full of flats and bedsits easily affordable to young people in their first job. It was perfectly normal for a couple to get married in their early twenties and be able to buy a house, within commuting distance of their job, on two very ordinary salaries and for one parent to either give up work, or go part time, after they had children.

This is a pipe dream for most young people in this country these days. There are folk on decent salaries whose bulk of their wages go on simply paying rent in a rental "market" that is a fucking farce, to be polite about it, where long term renting isn't an option and some literally have no idea where they'll be or what they'll be paying every 12 months.

For too many people, the idea of eventually owning a house is simply out of their league and if they do manage to spend YEARS scrimping together a ridiculous deposit cost, they'll be looking at getting hocked into debt until they are of pensionable age...and that's assuming that they'll have 40 years of work lined up to facilitate that, which a lot of people won't.

And if you're single, you can completely forget it, unless you have a ton of money to bolster you from whatever source.

Tony EH

ToddyDoody wrote: »

It never ceases to amaze me at how useless the right wing can be at dealing with problems associated with being human.

They tend not to care, unless it's something that directly affects them.

Antares35

OH and me will be moving into my parents' house in the new year. It's not that we can't afford to rent, as we both work, but we can't afford to rent AND save for a deposit simultaneously, especially because we have a babba on the way.

Always had a good relationship with my parents and none of us are the type to be in your face with each other. I could happily sit with my Dad of an evening and natter over a nice bottle of shiraz, and we will enjoy each others' company, or there might be a week where we pass each other like ships in the night because we have our own busy lives. I'm lucky that my OH is a quiet, patient man who gets on very well with them too.

Parents are partitioning their house (single level) into two separate units, with the intention of renting one and using the other to live in. House is too big for them to maintain and they spend a good chunk of time away. So, they'd be renting anyway. They offered us first dibs at it because they would prefer non strangers there in the beginning. We plan to stay for a year and it works for all of us - they will have family living there who can look out for them, do odd jobs etc. Especially some of the heavy lifting that Dad might not be as fit for anymore. We get slightly discounted rent and I have the emotional support system of my parents, Mam in particular, when babba comes along - it will be nice to have someone close by who has done all this before, and I am sure they will be delighted to share in his/ her first 6 months.

Living this way, we will be in a good position to buy our own place in 12-18 months. If we rented, this would probably take us 3-4 years and we do not want that instability, preferring to put down roots while the family is young.

Have lived away from home for years, been a full time student while my parents struggled financially and didn't have a bean to give me. Have also studied while holding down full time jobs. I don't feel bad about moving back in with them. My sibling and I have paid their mortgage for years. And I certainly don't feel like a failure - it just makes financial sense.

I realise that for some people, family dynamics dictate that such a situation would be unworkable, but for some, it does work. I don't think we can just make blanket statements about what people should or shouldn't be doing - every person and every family dynamic is different.

eviltwin

Macy Salmon Squeegee wrote: »

Why would you pay rent to live at home? Crazy concept imo that I’ve only ever heard about on boards. My parents would laugh at the idea and transfer the money back if I even attempted to pay rent to them.

Respect for starters. Fairness as well. Why should your folks cover all the expenses out of their salary when you earn a wage.

Rx713B

Currently residing back with rents - no shame - cant afford to rent and currently saving for a mortgage - when you could rent a place in Dublin for 700 quid a month - that gave the best of both worlds - Now its just not feasible

moycullen14

This is a tricky one. Long term living with parents is probably not a good idea but as a stop-gap to give kids a leg-up, it should be fine.

As a parent, I think my job is to 'produce' functioning, independent members of society, part of which has to be standing on your own feet.

In some ways it was easier for us, 2 years out of college we could buy a reasonable house in the south of England (this was the 1980s). It didn't involve years of saving or crucifying ourselves with a mortgage. Not sure you could do that today - In fact, I'm sure you couldn't. That said, we married earlier, had kids younger and were a lot more frugal than today's generation.

Independence is the key. That's what you should be striving for.

lainey_d_123

Tony EH wrote: »

No. The economy IS the issue.

It shouldn't cost so much to get basic living necessities.

I'm with you there, but that doesn't mean that living at home in your thirties is the norm unless you had financial help. Sorry, but that's utter bullsh1t.

I don't think there's anything wrong with living at home as an adult, BTW. If it's mutually beneficial and everyone gets along and everyone pitches in, grand. If my family weren't totally dysfunctional, it'd probably have been better to live with them through my twenties than flatshare with strangers.

What I do have a problem with is people insinuating that it's impossible to move away/abroad without financial help from parents and implying that those of us who could do it were lucky. That's utter delusional sh1te, sorry.