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Child Item

interpersonal issues with coworkers

colleen525

I know this is probably going to sound petty or ridiculous but I can't help it it drives me crazy.

Before I dive in it might help to explain a little about my situation:
We (my husband and I) have 2 young kids (aged 10 months and 5 years). We might have another one as well. We are very busy caring for our kids. I work full-time so when I get home all I want to do is see my kids. We simply don't have the money to go on holidays or to have elaborate weekends. On the weekend I spend quality time with my kids and catch up on chores. We don't 'do' anything really other than that. I like my family life but to an outsider there isn't much to talk about.

I also highly compartmentalise work and home. When I'm at work I don't think about home and when I'm at home I don't think about work. When I walk in the front door at work I forget about the weekend and when I walk in the front door of my house I forget about work.

My work also has this use-it-or-lose it annual leave day policy. So sometimes I just use my annual leave to do things I can't normally do or to spend time with my kids.

A lot of my coworkers are older than me and have higher incomes than I do. Taking 4 people to another country for a holiday is not something that I can afford but it appears to be quite affordable for my colleagues. They also discuss buying cars that are out of my financial reach. They go on family vacations several times per year, own homes, own cars etc. I just can't do any of that on my salary. We don't even have a car.

They are constantly talking about all their stuff that they buy and all their holidays and it comes across as materialistic to me.

Furthermore, there's aspects of my job that I don't like and I mostly work at this company due to the short commute and the maternity pay. If there was a different company closer to my house then I would rather work there.

My male coworkers sometimes complain about their kids and it gives me a bad taste in my mouth especially since their wife is at home doing most of the hard work when it comes to the kids.

Basically, my problem is when my coworkers (not all of them but certain ones) ask about my weekend or if they see on my schedule that I took an annual leave day. First of all, I'm not prepared to answer these questions, it feels very invasive to have someone check my schedule and ask what I did, and we don't really do anything. Sure I have special moments with my kids at home but it isn't something that comes to mind when I'm in a meeting room with my boss.

They can't seem to take a hint. It drives me crazy. What would you say if you were me?

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bee06

They are being polite. They don’t really care what you did.

antix80

colleen525 wrote: »

My male coworkers sometimes complain about their kids and it gives me a bad taste in my mouth especially since their wife is at home doing most of the hard work when it comes to the kids.

Men aren't women. They think differently and speak differently. Don't worry about it (you're highly compartmentalised after all)

colleen525 wrote: »

Basically, my problem is when my coworkers (not all of them but certain ones) ask about my weekend or if they see on my schedule that I took an annual leave day. First of all, I'm not prepared to answer these questions, it feels very invasive to have someone check my schedule and ask what I did, and we don't really do anything. Sure I have special moments with my kids at home but it isn't something that comes to mind when I'm in a meeting room with my boss.

Enquiring about family and days off is just good manners.. it's very safe small-talk. Most men would run a mile if you started talking in detail about the special moments with your kids and funny things that your kids said or did because it's often crushingly dull.

colleen525 wrote: »

They can't seem to take a hint. It drives me crazy. What would you say if you were me?

Just remain polite and have a civil answer prepared.

As for "taking the hint".. look people can be silly/cruel and could enjoy your awkwardness at being asked that particular question to the point they'll ask you in front of people. I'm not saying that's what's happening, but be aware it can happen.

I know you're saying holidays aren't important to you but are you protesting a bit too much? It might actually be a nice break for your and your family (or even without the kids) to have a mid-week or weekend break in a hotel.

Padre_Pio

Is your problem that they ask you how your holidays were, that they know when you take holidays, that they can afford more than you or that they complain about their home life?

Neyite

Nobody really cares what you did on your day off. It's small talk. So you can say anything you like - be as vague as you like. When they ask if you went anywhere on your annual leave day you can say 'no, was catching up on stuff at home' or no, just a nice quiet day with family' then change the subject to something different.

Princess Calla

Have a go to response.

Brought kids to the park/ granny's /playground... Caught up on chores, I swear to god there's another family hiding in my house with the amount of laundry I have! How about yourself?

Nod and smile while they reply. Then go about your day.

People are just being polite. The alternative where no one speaks to each other is not much fun either.

colleen525

Padre_Pio wrote: »

Is your problem that they ask you how your holidays were, that they know when you take holidays, that they can afford more than you or that they complain about their home life?

The problem is the intrusiveness into my personal life. It's especially bad when the boss asks me because the answer to the question is that 'I can't afford to take holidays'. It's his fault. All he would need to do is pay me a couple thousand more per year.

El_Duderino 09

bee06 wrote: »

They are being polite. They don’t really care what you did.

This is exactly it. I don't mean to sound insensitive to your situation, but it's all in your head. And the reason seems to be forked out in the first few paragraphs of your post. They have loads of money and talk about the things they did with all their money and you feel you don't have a good answer to the question about what you did at the weekend.

Just say what you enjoyed about your weekend. Whether it's spending time with the family or getting the house in order isn't really important.

I see people in work who are half apologetic about what they did at the weekend. You could simply answer confidently "had a lovely weekend playing with the kids". I'm pretty sure nobody will ask for further information but it's a perfectly good answer to the question.

bee06

colleen525 wrote: »

The problem is the intrusiveness into my personal life. It's especially bad when the boss asks me because the answer to the question is that 'I can't afford to take holidays'. It's his fault. All he would need to do is pay me a couple thousand more per year.

You do know you don’t have to tell him the truth. I have a 1 year old. We had 2 weeks off this year. Went away for 2 nights in Ireland and that was it. Not because we can’t afford it but because I’d rather have a root canal than take a 1 year old on a plane. When you have small children it’s perfectly acceptable to prioritise other things other than fancy holidays. You’re really overthinking the whole thing.

Padre_Pio

colleen525 wrote: »

The problem is the intrusiveness into my personal life. It's especially bad when the boss asks me because the answer to the question is that 'I can't afford to take holidays'. It's his fault. All he would need to do is pay me a couple thousand more per year.

I think you're taking this quite personally.

People are just being polite. It's not an interrogation. I get asked every Monday what I did at the weekend. Usually i do nothing. I've never felt inadequate that im not doing anything noteworthy.

I tell them I did nothing and we move on..

Unless it's the money issue that's the main problem.

Neyite

colleen525 wrote: »

The problem is the intrusiveness into my personal life. It's especially bad when the boss asks me because the answer to the question is that 'I can't afford to take holidays'. It's his fault. All he would need to do is pay me a couple thousand more per year.

No, it's not his fault you can't afford to take holidays.

Your salary is based on your skill set and your worth to the company, and your household income is what you and your partner bring in. How you choose to spend it is nothing to do with your boss. Your post reeks of resentfulness but if you aren't happy with the income of your home then you need to sit down with your partner and work out how to get what you want. Sitting seething while someone at work talks about their holiday is only hurting you.

Padre_Pio

Neyite wrote: »

No, it's not his fault you can't afford to take holidays.

Your salary is based on your skill set and your worth to the company, and your household income is what you and your partner bring in. How you choose to spend it is nothing to do with your boss. Your post reeks of resentfulness but if you aren't happy with the income of your home then you need to sit down with your partner and work out how to get what you want. Sitting seething while someone at work talks about their holiday is only hurting you.

Bit harsh. None of us know the OP or her circumstances.
You're jumping to a lot of conclusions here.

Being critical won't solve anything.

antix80

colleen525 wrote: »

The problem is the intrusiveness into my personal life. It's especially bad when the boss asks me because the answer to the question is that 'I can't afford to take holidays'. It's his fault. All he would need to do is pay me a couple thousand more per year.

This took a turn!

Your job suits you because you're a mother with young kids and because you may avail of more maternity leave. You have no discretionary income because you and your husband don't earn enough or possibly because you don't manage your finances well.

The no-brainer is to ask for a pay-rise. Given a potential 3rd round of maternity leave though, it may not be forthcoming. In fact pay-rises rarely are given unless it would cost considerably more to replace you than the value they're getting from you. Most people who want more income look for new jobs or promotions in their existing job assuming there's a pay-scale in place.

Princess Calla

colleen525 wrote: »

The problem is the intrusiveness into my personal life. It's especially bad when the boss asks me because the answer to the question is that 'I can't afford to take holidays'. It's his fault. All he would need to do is pay me a couple thousand more per year.

Everyone feels like they should be earning more!!

The reality is a company will always pay the minimum they can get away with.

If you feel you should get a raise, bring a case to your boss asking for a salary review.

I know myself I could be earning alot more if I moved, but like you I've a young family and I'm sticking to the devil I know at least until the youngest is in school.

I haven't had a holiday in 7 years, of course I'd love to go away. The reality is the kids won't remember it so we chill at home, go on little day trips. All a child wants is attention, they have no concept of foreign holidays.

Neyite

Padre_Pio wrote: »

Bit harsh. None of us know the OP or her circumstances.
You're jumping to a lot of conclusions here.

Being critical won't solve anything.

No it's not meant to be harsh but the simple fact is that the OP feels annoyed that her boss asked her if she did anything nice on her annual leave and she's blaming him that she can't afford a holiday. If he pays her too little then she needs to address that - either by asking for a raise, or finding ways to upskill and move into a different pay scale or find a job that pays better.

We are a low income family too and we've managed a sun holiday the last few years. It's usually the cheapest I can find and on no frills airlines and hotels and I sacrifice a LOT to make sure it's paid for. I never go to a hairdressers or beauticians, never buy a takeaway coffee or shop clothes for myself - if I do it's Penny's. I bring a packed lunch and batch cook to keep costs down and our car is on it's last legs. We go out probably once a year. But we are happy to do that because what we both want is the 2 weeks on a beach.

Also what the OP isn't taking into account is the different life stages. Early childhood is expensive so it stands to reason that money is tight. Her colleagues who have older kids are at a different life stage and might have a bit more disposable income. It's not fair to resent them for that.

Hoboo

colleen525 wrote: »

The problem is the intrusiveness into my personal life. It's especially bad when the boss asks me because the answer to the question is that 'I can't afford to take holidays'. It's his fault. All he would need to do is pay me a couple thousand more per year.

Now I think you're taking the piss. His fault you are in a job that doesn't pay you enough to sustain a lifestyle you'd like but can't afford because you decided to have kids? And thinking of adding a third when it sounds like you're already stretched?

Pull the other one.

woodchuck

colleen525 wrote: »

The problem is the intrusiveness into my personal life. It's especially bad when the boss asks me because the answer to the question is that 'I can't afford to take holidays'. It's his fault. All he would need to do is pay me a couple thousand more per year.

Wow and wow!

1. They're not being intrusive. Certainly not intentionally anyway. Asking people how they spent their weekend or time off is just normal office chit-chat. Most people are just being polite though and don't really care about how you spend your spare time. You can be as vague as you like in your response (e.g. just spent time at home with the kids). Nobody is expecting you to regale them with stories of mad nights out or weekends away.

2. It's not your bosses fault you can't afford to go on holiday. You and your husband have chosen to have two children and potentially a third. Surely you knew how much of a financial drain children would be? That was your decision to make and it's not up to your boss to supplement your income accordingly just so you can go away on holidays. However have you actually asked him for a raise? It can never hurt to ask, but obviously it will depend on the nature of your job/workplace.

whippet

It’s just small talk .. but from reading your posts it seems that there is a touch of jealousy or a chip on the shoulder.

While it’s none of their business .. but when you spend 8 hours a day with people a level of interpersonal contact is unavoidable.

You’ve made it clear that you work there just because it suits ... and I’m sure this attitude is noticeable within the organisation. From my experience people like that tend to get left on the shelf and they will keep doing the job they are doing until they decide to leave and then they will be replaced easily with another.

el Fenomeno

whippet wrote: »

It’s just small talk .. but from reading your posts it seems that there is a touch of jealousy or a chip on the shoulder.

This.

I've been in the same situation before.

When you don't like your job but there's no big, overarching reason why - you'll find something trivial to complain about.

You're not happy in your job so do something about it.
Your coworkers are doing nothing wrong. If they never asked you anything, your general unhappiness would lead you to complaining about being excluded.

colleen525

I guess I'm not interested in small talk. I'm an introvert and it drives me insane.

I generally don't care about the organisations that I work for. I'm not the owner I'm just an employee and YES it pisses me off when someone talks about getting a car that's 40K+. It's wasteful and materialistic.

whippet wrote: »

It’s just small talk .. but from reading your posts it seems that there is a touch of jealousy or a chip on the shoulder.

While it’s none of their business .. but when you spend 8 hours a day with people a level of interpersonal contact is unavoidable.

You’ve made it clear that you work there just because it suits ... and I’m sure this attitude is noticeable within the organisation. From my experience people like that tend to get left on the shelf and they will keep doing the job they are doing until they decide to leave and then they will be replaced easily with another.

antix80

colleen525 wrote: »

I guess I'm not interested in small talk. I'm an introvert and it drives me insane.

I generally don't care about the organisations that I work for. I'm not the owner I'm just an employee and YES it pisses me off when someone talks about getting a car that's 40K+. It's wasteful and materialistic.

None of your business.

colleen525

All he would have to do is keep quiet and I'd be grand. I don't care to have people ask me stuff. We're not friends. When you quit your job they'll just forget about you.

woodchuck wrote: »

Wow and wow!

1. They're not being intrusive. Certainly not intentionally anyway. Asking people how they spent their weekend or time off is just normal office chit-chat. Most people are just being polite though and don't really care about how you spend your spare time. You can be as vague as you like in your response (e.g. just spent time at home with the kids). Nobody is expecting you to regale them with stories of mad nights out or weekends away.

2. It's not your bosses fault you can't afford to go on holiday. You and your husband have chosen to have two children and potentially a third. Surely you knew how much of a financial drain children would be? That was your decision to make and it's not up to your boss to supplement your income accordingly just so you can go away on holidays. However have you actually asked him for a raise? It can never hurt to ask, but obviously it will depend on the nature of your job/workplace.

colleen525

Well that's why he should keep quiet. He's not a very good manager either but I'm stuck working here due to the commute.

antix80 wrote: »

None of your business.

begbysback

colleen525 wrote: »

The problem is the intrusiveness into my personal life. It's especially bad when the boss asks me because the answer to the question is that 'I can't afford to take holidays'. It's his fault. All he would need to do is pay me a couple thousand more per year.

How is his fault, they offered a role and told you what they would pay, you took the job.

colleen525

Moderator: it started out as helpful but turned into just annoying criticisms and stupidity. Please close the thread.

colleen525

Most of the roles are in Dublin and we can't afford to live in Dublin. So it's those fools running the country. Someone getting 50K should be able to live in Dublin.

begbysback wrote: »

How is his fault, they offered a role and told you what they would pay, you took the job.

begbysback

colleen525 wrote: »

Moderator: it started out as helpful but turned into just annoying criticisms and stupidity. Please close the thread.

Aka, I wanted this to be about intrusiveness by others, and found it was really my financial insecurities that was the problem

begbysback

colleen525 wrote: »

Most of the roles are in Dublin and we can't afford to live in Dublin. So it's those fools running the country. Someone getting 50K should be able to live in Dublin.

Look, forget who you think is to blame, work out exactly where the real problem lies, and apply a solution to that problem. If you try applying a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist then you go around in circles.

woodchuck

colleen525 wrote: »

Moderator: it started out as helpful but turned into just annoying criticisms and stupidity. Please close the thread.

OP I'll close this thread now at your request.

However it is very rude to refer to peoples advice as "annoying criticisms and stupidity" when they are genuinely trying to help. We have a report function if you have a problem with a particular post. Please keep this in mind if you want this thread reopened or start a new thread in the future.