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What should I do now

LegacyUser

Posting unreggd as I'm a regular poster but lots of personal details here

I'm a 39 year old single gay guy who has never been in a relationship. Because I was bullied in school I have always found it difficult to make close friends so I have noone to ask for advice on this (though I do have a lot of friends)

Anyway - long story but I went to Belfast Pride. I live near Dublin
I met a guy online and we were talking for 2 or 3 days and then had sex. I felt there was a real connection between us.. We both were very physically attracted to each other.

I am thinking I would like to explore the possibility of a relationship but it all seems a bit complex living so far away.

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BuboBubo

Aww op, you deserve better than this.

Cut him loose, plenty more fish in the sea.

LegacyUser

Calypso Realm wrote: »

So it's been a month or more since you last met? Far too long. Sorry but this guy is still stringing you along and isn't interested.

So cease all contact now. Ball firmly in his court. I'd move on though if I were you.

I can see your point. On the other hand on 3 or 4 separate occasions though he has stated he definitely wants to meet. So in a sense I am getting mixed messages. I think the optimistic side of me believes what he is saying that a) he genuinely does want to meet and b) he has genuine reasons for being very busy right now c) because of his own insecurities he wants to take things very very slowly

I dunno - My heart just sank reading the last 3 messages.

I know it sounds like I am asking advice here and that I am disregarding all advice but I do feel there is still potential for something.

Ursus Horribilis

When getting a date organised is the equivalent of trying to nail jelly to a wall, it's time to move on. It can be helpful to ask yourself what would you do if the roles were switched. Even if you were up to your eyes, you'd make the effort to see him again. Even if it was only for a couple of hours when you could spare the time. You'd take steps to show your interest, not just use nice words that don't cost a thing.

Being "busy" is one of the oldest excuses in the book. I've had it said to me. I've done it to other people I wasn't interested in seeing again. That "taking things slowly" is usually another form of a brush-off too. Really, none of the signs emanating from this other guy are positive.

I would consider the ball to be in his court now. If you feel you don't want to leave things as they are, you could send one last message and say you'd love to see him again when he's less busy. Then leave it at that. Keeping in contact isn't going to get you another date. If he likes you enough, he'll be back. If not, all you can do is chalk this one down to experience. There is nothing more frustrating than someone you really like not being interested in pursuing something you feel has potential. But if someone isn't interested, there's nothing you can do only reluctantly accept it.

Calypso Realm

Bingoz wrote: »

I can see your point. On the other hand on 3 or 4 separate occasions though he has stated he definitely wants to meet. So in a sense I am getting mixed messages. I think the optimistic side of me believes what he is saying that.

Just to add to the very good adivice UH has given above, in cases like thi, it's always best to judge interest on ACTIONS, not words! It's what people actually do, not what they say they'll do that counts.

You sound like a nice, genuine person OP and I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but moving forward - in scenarios like this when you call someone and they can't meet up etc, wait for them to reschedule (good sign). Failing that wait and see, if and when, they get back to you! Never double text or call and take it as a sign of lack of interest, if you hear nothing back! (A lot of folks won't come straight out and say they're not interested and use excuses, instead)

Then move on.....next!

Annasopra

OP I think you probably just need to move on at this stage.

LegacyUser

Hmmmmm

Part of me kind of wants to cling onto some hope and believes his words. Its complex I think. Both of us have been in very negative places in the past and are in counselling. I get the impression he has either been badly hurt in the past or is currently going through depression. He said to me at the moment he isnt even meeting any friends. Maybe I'm gullible but part of me does believe his words.

But I know you are all correct really.

Xterminator

there is no need to cut him off completely, unless the situation is wrecking your head.

i do agree if he was very interested he would probably make more of an effort. But taking him at his word, he has a lot going on, and has his own issues to deal with. so give him space and time & see where it leads.

If you can get on with your life and still have the odd chat, there no need to cut contact.

Calypso Realm

Bingo Z wrote: »

Hmmmmm

Part of me kind of wants to cling onto some hope and believes his words. Its complex I think. Both of us have been in very negative places in the past and are in counselling. I get the impression he has either been badly hurt in the past or is currently going through depression. He said to me at the moment he isnt even meeting any friends. Maybe I'm gullible but part of me does believe his words.

But I know you are all correct really.

Has he actually told you he's going through a tough time or are these just your assumptions, OP?

Assuming it's true, what you've outlined above would be another reason not to bother him too much, as could well be seen as another source of stress-something you do not want!

For whatever reason, he doesn't want to meet up at the moment. so I'd still leave it up to him, from now on. (Also let him wonder about you, for a change!)

miamee

Bingo Z wrote: »

Hmmmmm

Part of me kind of wants to cling onto some hope and believes his words. Its complex I think. Both of us have been in very negative places in the past and are in counselling. I get the impression he has either been badly hurt in the past or is currently going through depression. He said to me at the moment he isnt even meeting any friends. Maybe I'm gullible but part of me does believe his words.

But I know you are all correct really.

If all of this is true then he is nowhere near ready for a relationship I'm afraid. Not even meeting his friends? He's either laying it on thick for you or really not in a good place - either way, as I said, he isn't in the right space for a relationship.

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

there is no need to cut him off completely, unless the situation is wrecking your head.

i do agree if he was very interested he would probably make more of an effort. But taking him at his word, he has a lot going on, and has his own issues to deal with. so give him space and time & see where it leads.

If you can get on with your life and still have the odd chat, there no need to cut contact.

I was thinking about this in the last few days.

I suppose initially in our conversations I was probably a bit over obsessive and I guess that is natural at the beginning of relationships. I think in a lot of ways the last month I've been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster about this guy and what might or might not happen.

It's hard to describe all of the conversations we have had in this discussion but I do think there's connection there; some shared interests, an ability to laugh at situations, sharing personal stories and quite private information with each other. There's also as a result some level of mutual trust.

Part of my issues growing up were that I socially isolated myself from everyone completely. I think he was probably in some ways the opposite. So we have this reverse thing going on where I have been very sharing and open with him which I don't usually do because My Counsellor has highlighted to me that I close myself off to people too much and he has been a little bit distant with me which he doesn't usually do because his Counsellor said he overshares to people too much (at the same time he has shared).

I feel from our conversations there is genuine engagement though some hesitancy on his part but I do feel that I understand why there is hesitancy; stress related to 2 or 3 issues plus what his counsellor recommended - take things slowly.

So I think to me your post makes sense - a lot of sense.

There is also how long do I keep waiting and to be honest I am fed up waiting already.

This is kind of a wind long winded way of saying that I will probably move on but leave the door open. I suppose what I am thinking is A) take him at face value and give him time and space - something may or may not happen

in some ways harness what is there and if there is not going to be a relationship then no reason why friendship cant build C) Don't overthink everything with this guy, drop the obsession emotions a bit and look for other opportunities to develop relationships D) Keep chatting online in a friendly manner to him E) if something happens it happens, if it doesn't I probably still have a friend

Annasopra

Hmmm

That may work but you need to probably not overly invest yourself into thinking that there will be a relationship. I.e. dont build it into somethings its not and then have your hopes crushed. Also if you start trying another potential relationship what happens then?

LegacyUser

Bit of an update

I have been chatting to him on and off a good bit in the last week or two.

He has explained in more detail 2 aspects of what is going on that he doesnt want to meet right now. Both are very stressful and I totally get his reasons. They are very understandable.

I think as I said above I am going to keep chatting and see where things go. I get the points everyone made above so hopefully nobody above thinks I am ignoring their advice. I'm not.

I'm also adjusting my expectations a lot. He may not be ready at all for a relationship. Thats ok.

LegacyUser

Another update

So we have still been talking on and off almost every day or every 2 or 3 days. He had some very stressful things in his life. One of them has been resolved satisfactorily to some extent.

Anyway theres an event on tomorrow in Belfast that interests us both. I decided to ask if he wants to meet up for a coffee or lunch and he agreed.

So it looks like we are meeting for a really informal date tomorrow.

I'm kind of nervous and excited now