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Got back in touch with her and I have sent an apology.

Ojwasguilty

A few weeks back I got back in touch, for the first time in five years, the girl I cut contact without any explanation whatsoever. We were never officially together, instead we had a sort of fling that lasted five years.

So I got in touch without thinking she would respond at all, or at the very least, she would tell me to kindly f*** off.

She responded, and she had a lot of things to say:

- She told me that all the hurt and pain had come back when I got in touch.

- That what I put her through badly affected her and still does.

- That she’s had issues with her relationships and that she’s never quite felt the same again.

- That she thought I hated her.

However she also told me this “I like the idea of us trying something together but I’m afraid of the result”

A week ago I sent her the apology:

(Her name), I'm really sorry to have cut you off in such a way, without explanation, and not being fair and honest to you. I behaved like a coward and an egoist. My behavior towards you was appalling and insensitive. I always doubted your feelings, and at the time, I thought it was the best way for me. I am sorry for all the pain and the hurt that I inflicted on you during all these years of questions and distress. During all these years I thought only of you, the morning when I woke up, throughout the day, the evening you are in my thoughts, in my heart. I do not know what you think and feel. (Her name) whatever happens know that I only wish you happiness in your life.

I was a real sack of **** to her. I was selfish and didn’t once think about how cutting her off so abruptly would affect her.

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Purple Mountain

Is the distance still going to be an issue?
Last time around, you were obviously just friends with benefits.
You didn't spend enough time together on a serious level to know each other really, so what makes you think this time it'll be roses?

leggo

Evalyn Unkempt Floor wrote: »

There's every chance the two of ye basically don't know each other any more, given your ages and the time span. What is it that draws you to this girl so much, what do you feel you have to offer her, and how can you be at all certain since you've had no contact with each other for the most recent 20% of your lives?

OP what was the impetus behind you reaching out to her specifically now, and what stopped you before? There was some internal or external change or tipping point, what was it?

All this "all these years, I've only thought of you day and night", how true is that? Have you actually been solidly pining for five years and again, if so, why didn't you reach out before now? Have you had many other relationships or much of a sex life?

I'm noticing a bit of a people pleasing streak even within this thread, and you clearly have this built up in your head as a really romantic, dramatic thing. I can just so easily see you telling her, and yourself, everything you both want to hear and then when you've been in the actual reality (rather than this fantasy world you're now in) for however long, it all gets too much and off you fcuk again

Pretty much this. I'd thank it twice if I could.

This is someone you dated first when you were 14 and finished with when you were 19.

That was five years ago OP. You don't know this person anymore. You say yourself you're a different person...well the same goes for her. So what the hell is making you think you'd make it work? That's like seeing someone in the street, imagining a relationship with them then trying to force it on them. Which just kind of reveals that this isn't the altruistic act you're telling yourself it is and more born out of a likely combination of loneliness and guilt. In other words, it's still all about you and your feelings.

I don't judge you for what you did btw. You're allowed get a pass for a lot (this included I'd say) when you're 19. You're not supposed to be great at relationships then and often learn through mistakes. It happened. But forgive yourself for it and let it go, and her with it. Right now what you describe doesn't sound like a situation brimming with promise. Best case scenario, nobody gets hurt, it's just a waste of both your times and ends slightly nicer than before. Worst case you open old wounds and create new ones. Just leave it imo.

wiggle16

leggo wrote: »

This is someone you dated first when you were 14 and finished with when you were 19.

Okay. Okay. I missed the part where this was a teenage relationship.

Seriously, OP. I'm sorry, but this is a bit ridiculous now.

This is just drama and theatricals, from both of you. At 24 you should be cringeing if you carried on like a dope when you were 16 or 17, not feeling the way you're feeling. And at 24 she should be laughing off the advances of her teenage ex and letting bygones be bygones, not expressing her fear of getting hurt.

I don't like being this dismissive but you need to get some serious perspective here.

[Deleted User]

I think everyone should relax a bit. He behaved a bit crap as a teenager (remember being a teenager?) and now is considering getting back with her.

Looks like he is really conscious of him being a Dick in the past and has reflected. People rightfully said you both have probably changed.

Apart from that, he has expressed interest and she has expressed interest. There's nothing to say except go for it my man and be nice.

Hopefully you can rekindle something.

Purple Mountain

Deleted User wrote: »

I think everyone should relax a bit. He behaved a bit crap as a teenager (remember being a teenager?) and now is considering getting back with her.

Looks like he is really conscious of him being a Dick in the past and has reflected. People rightfully said you both have probably changed.

Apart from that, he has expressed interest and she has expressed interest. There's nothing to say except go for it my man and be nice.

Hopefully you can rekindle something.

Yes but this sounds like a serious case of rose tinted glasses.

Ojwasguilty

She came over to see me this morning. She’s heading back up north tomorrow morning, and she has offered a talk after I shut tonight. We’ll see how it goes, and I will let you know what happens.

Going to have to focus on work and brace for it. Anxiety has gone through the roof, but I’m going to be alright.

tara73

OP, that answer is telling and reflecting what everybody here tried to let you know (to help you). not a single word to the comments here.

I'm out, complete waste of time.

Ojwasguilty

tara73 wrote: »

OP, that answer is telling and reflecting what everybody here tried to let you know (to help you). not a single word to the comments here.

I'm out, complete waste of time.

You’re just assuming I haven’t read and acknowledged any and all comments.

I’m a busy guy and I’m not on here all the time.

Purple Mountain

Well, good luck with it anyhow OP.
I suppose none of us are in your situation.
Just bear in mind that it would still be a long distance thing if you reconnect and that should be talked about sooner rather than later.

Ojwasguilty

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Well, good luck with it anyhow OP.
I suppose none of us are in your situation.
Just bear in mind that it would still be a long distance thing if you reconnect and that should be talked about sooner rather than later.

We’ll see what she would like to talk about first.

Thank you.

Ursus Horribilis

Don't be a dick. You might find that whatever you had when you were kids isn't there any more. You've probably idealised her since you last saw her and you see her as the answer to your problems. That's an awful lot for a mere human to bear. If you realise it's not going to work this time, for God's sake be kind to her. You're not a teenager any more.

Ojwasguilty

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Don't be a dick. You might find that whatever you had when you were kids isn't there any more. You've probably idealised her since you last saw her and you see her as the answer to your problems. That's an awful lot for a mere human to bear. If you realise it's not going to work this time, for God's sake be kind to her. You're not a teenager any more.

I will listen to her, I will be honest with all my responses, and I won’t be a dick.

suicide_circus

leave her alone, for the love of god, leave her alone.

Ojwasguilty

She was really quiet at the start, but we went for a walk and she opened up.

She let me know exactly what she meant by her message about liking the idea of us trying something together but being afraid of the result.

She told me that she spent years trying to figure out why I cut contact with her, and that the text I sent her (the apology) really hit her hard. She didn’t know how to react to it. On one hand she was angry because her feelings had come back, and on the other she was happy because she had hoped for this moment for so long.

She told me that she’s afraid that if we were to get together, I would end up cutting contact with her again and that she would go through it all again, possibly even worse.

She also said that she needs a little more time to sort her head and heart out and that she would get in touch, and I told her she can have all the time she needs.

Keyzer

Jesus wept....

You were kids back then for jaysis sake. Everyone makes stupid mistakes at that age.

You've grown up and matured since - if you have feelings for her, and she feels the same then try to work it out but you both need to be on the same page that it may not work out again for whatever reason. If not, go your separate ways.

Done...

LegacyUser

Something to bare in mind OP is that people can fixate on relationships that end badly or were abusive etc, she has admitted as much.

The fact they fixated on that for so long or never got over the trauma is often why people are willing to give these kind of relationships another go or give these exes another chance. It's actually not really about loving or liking or still having feelings for you. They might think they do but really were made to feel worthless at the time, never healed from that, and when you come back it's like a chance to fix the worthless feeling.

It's an awful start to any relationship, when really therapy is what is needed if it affected her so much and for so long!!

leggo

imageverification wrote: »

Something to bare in mind OP is that people can fixate on relationships that end badly or were abusive etc, she has admitted as much.

The fact they fixated on that for so long or never got over the trauma is often why people are willing to give these kind of relationships another go or give these exes another chance. It's actually not really about loving or liking or still having feelings for you. They might think they do but really were made to feel worthless at the time, never healed from that, and when you come back it's like a chance to fix the worthless feeling.

It's an awful start to any relationship, when really therapy is what is needed if it affected her so much and for so long!!

This post is spot on. Again, I don't judge the OP for how he carried on at 19, but I'm kinda rooting for this girl to tell him where to go for her own sake. It feels like going back to this would be the most regressive move both of them could make, even if they can't see it now. At least if she tells him where to go, he'll learn that this treatment can cause permanent damage and think twice in future and she'll get to restore a lot of self-esteem that would've been damaged here. Both would be better for that and I'm not sure what the pros are of giving it another go tbh or why they'd think it's a good idea. But sure look, it's in their own hands now...