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Got back in touch with her and I have sent an apology.

Ojwasguilty

A few weeks back I got back in touch, for the first time in five years, the girl I cut contact without any explanation whatsoever. We were never officially together, instead we had a sort of fling that lasted five years.

So I got in touch without thinking she would respond at all, or at the very least, she would tell me to kindly f*** off.

She responded, and she had a lot of things to say:

- She told me that all the hurt and pain had come back when I got in touch.

- That what I put her through badly affected her and still does.

- That she’s had issues with her relationships and that she’s never quite felt the same again.

- That she thought I hated her.

However she also told me this “I like the idea of us trying something together but I’m afraid of the result”

A week ago I sent her the apology:

(Her name), I'm really sorry to have cut you off in such a way, without explanation, and not being fair and honest to you. I behaved like a coward and an egoist. My behavior towards you was appalling and insensitive. I always doubted your feelings, and at the time, I thought it was the best way for me. I am sorry for all the pain and the hurt that I inflicted on you during all these years of questions and distress. During all these years I thought only of you, the morning when I woke up, throughout the day, the evening you are in my thoughts, in my heart. I do not know what you think and feel. (Her name) whatever happens know that I only wish you happiness in your life.

I was a real sack of **** to her. I was selfish and didn’t once think about how cutting her off so abruptly would affect her.

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leggo

imageverification wrote: »

Something to bare in mind OP is that people can fixate on relationships that end badly or were abusive etc, she has admitted as much.

The fact they fixated on that for so long or never got over the trauma is often why people are willing to give these kind of relationships another go or give these exes another chance. It's actually not really about loving or liking or still having feelings for you. They might think they do but really were made to feel worthless at the time, never healed from that, and when you come back it's like a chance to fix the worthless feeling.

It's an awful start to any relationship, when really therapy is what is needed if it affected her so much and for so long!!

This post is spot on. Again, I don't judge the OP for how he carried on at 19, but I'm kinda rooting for this girl to tell him where to go for her own sake. It feels like going back to this would be the most regressive move both of them could make, even if they can't see it now. At least if she tells him where to go, he'll learn that this treatment can cause permanent damage and think twice in future and she'll get to restore a lot of self-esteem that would've been damaged here. Both would be better for that and I'm not sure what the pros are of giving it another go tbh or why they'd think it's a good idea. But sure look, it's in their own hands now...

LegacyUser

Something to bare in mind OP is that people can fixate on relationships that end badly or were abusive etc, she has admitted as much.

The fact they fixated on that for so long or never got over the trauma is often why people are willing to give these kind of relationships another go or give these exes another chance. It's actually not really about loving or liking or still having feelings for you. They might think they do but really were made to feel worthless at the time, never healed from that, and when you come back it's like a chance to fix the worthless feeling.

It's an awful start to any relationship, when really therapy is what is needed if it affected her so much and for so long!!

Keyzer

Jesus wept....

You were kids back then for jaysis sake. Everyone makes stupid mistakes at that age.

You've grown up and matured since - if you have feelings for her, and she feels the same then try to work it out but you both need to be on the same page that it may not work out again for whatever reason. If not, go your separate ways.

Done...

Ojwasguilty

She was really quiet at the start, but we went for a walk and she opened up.

She let me know exactly what she meant by her message about liking the idea of us trying something together but being afraid of the result.

She told me that she spent years trying to figure out why I cut contact with her, and that the text I sent her (the apology) really hit her hard. She didn’t know how to react to it. On one hand she was angry because her feelings had come back, and on the other she was happy because she had hoped for this moment for so long.

She told me that she’s afraid that if we were to get together, I would end up cutting contact with her again and that she would go through it all again, possibly even worse.

She also said that she needs a little more time to sort her head and heart out and that she would get in touch, and I told her she can have all the time she needs.

suicide_circus

leave her alone, for the love of god, leave her alone.

Ojwasguilty

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Don't be a dick. You might find that whatever you had when you were kids isn't there any more. You've probably idealised her since you last saw her and you see her as the answer to your problems. That's an awful lot for a mere human to bear. If you realise it's not going to work this time, for God's sake be kind to her. You're not a teenager any more.

I will listen to her, I will be honest with all my responses, and I won’t be a dick.

Ursus Horribilis

Don't be a dick. You might find that whatever you had when you were kids isn't there any more. You've probably idealised her since you last saw her and you see her as the answer to your problems. That's an awful lot for a mere human to bear. If you realise it's not going to work this time, for God's sake be kind to her. You're not a teenager any more.

Ojwasguilty

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Well, good luck with it anyhow OP.
I suppose none of us are in your situation.
Just bear in mind that it would still be a long distance thing if you reconnect and that should be talked about sooner rather than later.

We’ll see what she would like to talk about first.

Thank you.

Purple Mountain

Well, good luck with it anyhow OP.
I suppose none of us are in your situation.
Just bear in mind that it would still be a long distance thing if you reconnect and that should be talked about sooner rather than later.

Ojwasguilty

tara73 wrote: »

OP, that answer is telling and reflecting what everybody here tried to let you know (to help you). not a single word to the comments here.

I'm out, complete waste of time.

You’re just assuming I haven’t read and acknowledged any and all comments.

I’m a busy guy and I’m not on here all the time.

tara73

OP, that answer is telling and reflecting what everybody here tried to let you know (to help you). not a single word to the comments here.

I'm out, complete waste of time.

Ojwasguilty

She came over to see me this morning. She’s heading back up north tomorrow morning, and she has offered a talk after I shut tonight. We’ll see how it goes, and I will let you know what happens.

Going to have to focus on work and brace for it. Anxiety has gone through the roof, but I’m going to be alright.

Purple Mountain

Deleted User wrote: »

I think everyone should relax a bit. He behaved a bit crap as a teenager (remember being a teenager?) and now is considering getting back with her.

Looks like he is really conscious of him being a Dick in the past and has reflected. People rightfully said you both have probably changed.

Apart from that, he has expressed interest and she has expressed interest. There's nothing to say except go for it my man and be nice.

Hopefully you can rekindle something.

Yes but this sounds like a serious case of rose tinted glasses.

[Deleted User]

I think everyone should relax a bit. He behaved a bit crap as a teenager (remember being a teenager?) and now is considering getting back with her.

Looks like he is really conscious of him being a Dick in the past and has reflected. People rightfully said you both have probably changed.

Apart from that, he has expressed interest and she has expressed interest. There's nothing to say except go for it my man and be nice.

Hopefully you can rekindle something.

wiggle16

leggo wrote: »

This is someone you dated first when you were 14 and finished with when you were 19.

Okay. Okay. I missed the part where this was a teenage relationship.

Seriously, OP. I'm sorry, but this is a bit ridiculous now.

This is just drama and theatricals, from both of you. At 24 you should be cringeing if you carried on like a dope when you were 16 or 17, not feeling the way you're feeling. And at 24 she should be laughing off the advances of her teenage ex and letting bygones be bygones, not expressing her fear of getting hurt.

I don't like being this dismissive but you need to get some serious perspective here.

leggo

Evalyn Unkempt Floor wrote: »

There's every chance the two of ye basically don't know each other any more, given your ages and the time span. What is it that draws you to this girl so much, what do you feel you have to offer her, and how can you be at all certain since you've had no contact with each other for the most recent 20% of your lives?

OP what was the impetus behind you reaching out to her specifically now, and what stopped you before? There was some internal or external change or tipping point, what was it?

All this "all these years, I've only thought of you day and night", how true is that? Have you actually been solidly pining for five years and again, if so, why didn't you reach out before now? Have you had many other relationships or much of a sex life?

I'm noticing a bit of a people pleasing streak even within this thread, and you clearly have this built up in your head as a really romantic, dramatic thing. I can just so easily see you telling her, and yourself, everything you both want to hear and then when you've been in the actual reality (rather than this fantasy world you're now in) for however long, it all gets too much and off you fcuk again

Pretty much this. I'd thank it twice if I could.

This is someone you dated first when you were 14 and finished with when you were 19.

That was five years ago OP. You don't know this person anymore. You say yourself you're a different person...well the same goes for her. So what the hell is making you think you'd make it work? That's like seeing someone in the street, imagining a relationship with them then trying to force it on them. Which just kind of reveals that this isn't the altruistic act you're telling yourself it is and more born out of a likely combination of loneliness and guilt. In other words, it's still all about you and your feelings.

I don't judge you for what you did btw. You're allowed get a pass for a lot (this included I'd say) when you're 19. You're not supposed to be great at relationships then and often learn through mistakes. It happened. But forgive yourself for it and let it go, and her with it. Right now what you describe doesn't sound like a situation brimming with promise. Best case scenario, nobody gets hurt, it's just a waste of both your times and ends slightly nicer than before. Worst case you open old wounds and create new ones. Just leave it imo.

Purple Mountain

Is the distance still going to be an issue?
Last time around, you were obviously just friends with benefits.
You didn't spend enough time together on a serious level to know each other really, so what makes you think this time it'll be roses?

wiggle16

Ojwasguilty wrote: »

Do you think that’s what she would like too, to try something together?

I do not want to break her heart again.

OP, how is anyone else to answer that question? No one here is going to "give you permission" to get involved with this girl again.

She's a big girl and she can make her own decisions, granted, but I agree with others here, I think you are being pretty self-involved to an extent.

You texted her out of the blue to see what would come of it. She got back to you and the long and short of it is that she would go out with you again... but is afraid it wouldn't end well. That last bit has thrown you, and you seem, effectively, to want to be told it's okay to disregard it. That's what this comes down to.

I think you are looking to be told that it's okay to do the wrong thing if it's what the other person wants, that if she gets hurt out of this then that's not your doing. Yes, if she takes you back and gets hurt she only has herself to blame - but you are also responsible for your own behaviour. You're responsible for making sure you're not messing with people's heads.

If you're looking to be told that if she wants to get back with you then you can take that as carte blanche to get back with her regardless of whether or not you're doing the right thing... then no one here is going to tell you that.

I don't think you would have started this thread if you were actually in love with her. You might have feelings for her but it's been 5 years. You started this thread because you have a conscience - listen to it!!!

Ojwasguilty wrote: »

I do not want to break her heart again.

Then don't. Leave her alone. I don't mean to come down like a tonne of bricks on you but you belong in one another's pasts. Leave it there.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

There's every chance the two of ye basically don't know each other any more, given your ages and the time span. What is it that draws you to this girl so much, what do you feel you have to offer her, and how can you be at all certain since you've had no contact with each other for the most recent 20% of your lives?

OP what was the impetus behind you reaching out to her specifically now, and what stopped you before? There was some internal or external change or tipping point, what was it?

All this "all these years, I've only thought of you day and night", how true is that? Have you actually been solidly pining for five years and again, if so, why didn't you reach out before now? Have you had many other relationships or much of a sex life?

I'm noticing a bit of a people pleasing streak even within this thread, and you clearly have this built up in your head as a really romantic, dramatic thing. I can just so easily see you telling her, and yourself, everything you both want to hear and then when you've been in the actual reality (rather than this fantasy world you're now in) for however long, it all gets too much and off you fcuk again

Mr. Incognito

Dear Lord

There is a lot of bitter projecting on this thread.

You are what 24?

This happens when you are young. You are allowed to make mistakes and the only real crime is not learning from them.

I lost the love of my life who I dated for 8 years or so because I was too immature to get it together. In the end I had to leave her go and she married someone else. She contacted me since to say that she was sorry it hadnt worked out but I'm mature now to realise that she looks at me with rose tinted glasses and that real relationships arent the good times we remember.

Real relationships take work, and committment and trust.

If you are willing to put all of that in, including a move to be with her if the distance is still an issue then I would suggest the following.

1. Call her. Don't text or email or send hyper romantic crap. Ring her. Tell her you have feelings for her and you would like to give it a try. Tell her you were an immature asshat and that you are willing to make that sacrifice.

2. If you find yourself drifting. And you will then tell her. Talk to her. Listen to her and see if you can build an emotionally stable relationship.

Words are cheap. You need to back them up with a tangible plan.

My plan was counselling, addiction treatment, outreach calls, sponsorship and a 12 step programme. I had to put a lot of work into myself before I was ready to be available to anyone else. Even then I will never be free of my demons. I just have to stop letting them hurt anyone else.

If she says no you have to be willing to walk away and respect that. Becuase ultimately you dont get to say how this will go.

Best of luck with it buddy. I hope it works out.

Gerianam

OP, you are too self centered I am afraid. It is all about you. Way too much drama...sending songs and so forth. Relationships build on maturity and mutual respect and love are not like what you have outlined above. Leave the girl alone and grow up.

tara73

sorry to be blunt OP, but you come across as completely immature.

I guarantee you, if this woman decides to get together with you it will all be a complete mess because of all that happened and your, as written, immature and strange motives.

I don't think any relationship with a woman will work out for you, I think you need to work on your personnnel development, be it in therapy or with a personal coach.

bottlebrush

Ojwasguilty wrote: »

I understand, thanks.

Do you think that’s what she would like too, to try something together?

I do not want to break her heart again.

It sounds like that but between the lines is spelling out that if you do get back together this time it will be for keeps - what else would be a different result?
But you can't guarantee that can you? Or do you see a life together with her where you would spend your days proving to her she can trust you and reassuring her you won't walk out again. She has listed the negative effects your walking out on her has caused - if these are not resolved by now she would be highly insecure if the relationship was rekindled.
I think the ball is ultimately in her court as the greatest emotional risk will be hers but you are in no position to make guarantees. As I said in a previous post this was a holiday romance which has to be tested in the real world.

Ojwasguilty

bottlebrush wrote: »

Your relationship sounded like two young lovers on a holiday romance for five years - during the holidays only.

What I would be concerned about if you got back together now you are both five years older and start a real relationship is that you would discover that she is not the person you had built up in your head and finish it again with her. Indeed you might not be the person she had built you up to be and she might end it but at least in that case it would be closure for her.

You need to think long and hard before you risk breaking her heart again.

I understand, thanks.

Do you think that’s what she would like too, to try something together?

I do not want to break her heart again.

bottlebrush

Your relationship sounded like two young lovers on a holiday romance for five years - during the holidays only.

What I would be concerned about if you got back together now you are both five years older and start a real relationship is that you would discover that she is not the person you had built up in your head and finish it again with her. Indeed you might not be the person she had built you up to be and she might end it but at least in that case it would be closure for her.

You need to think long and hard before you risk breaking her heart again.

Ojwasguilty

blairbear wrote: »

Wait, so she sent you a song called "I love you", and you interpreted that as her playing you?!?

No. When she didn’t react when I told her that I was in love with her. She didn’t say anything. I interpreted that as she didn’t love me back.

I had planned the moment and the place for months and months. It had been years since I had realised I had fallen for her. I was absolutely heartbroken. I didn’t think too much of what song she sent me afterwards.

LegacyUser

Ojwasguilty wrote: »

That’s what I would really like, but I don’t know whether she feels or wants the same.

Why don't you just ask her?

Why not be honest with her rather than all this farting around with declarations of 'it was always you yadda yadda' but not actually letting her know what you're looking for from her?

Ask her.

She's the only one who can tell you anything.

blairbear

Wait, so she sent you a song called "I love you", and you interpreted that as her playing you?!?

Ojwasguilty

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Then get back with her but show her you've changed, if that is true. And be happy, and honest, and make her happy. And talk it out.

That’s what I would really like, but I don’t know whether she feels or wants the same.

Ojwasguilty

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Out of interest OP, what made you doubt her feelings for you? (Actually, as it happens I know of other guys who've ghosted for a similar reason, so I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt here, as i know it can and does occur) Hence the reason I don't always jump to the default conclusion that ghosters always do so because they have lost interest, while accepting of course that most often it is the case!

So when you ceased contact, did she ever try to contact you? How old were you both at the time?

At the time, I was 19 and she was 18.

I cut contact two weeks after we went to her prom together, and I can remember her sending me several messages becoming increasingly more worried because I wasn’t answering, until I blocked her.

We saw eachother the following summer, and she was trying to talk to me, hanging back around me, but I was so focused on forgetting her and moving on with my life, that I ignored her.

I think the moment I believed (at the time) she didn’t like me back is when I told her that I loved her. This was after the prom on the way back to her grandparent’s. I had been building up to that point over the four years, and it was then that I had decided to tell her. I was completely heart broken because I didn’t hear anything back from her - neither that she did or that she didn’t love me back. She just sent me a message after I had gotten back to the hostel letting me know she had a great evening and was so grateful that I had come with her, and a music video titled “I love you” by Woodkid.

I thought I was being played, I thought I had completely misjudged her feelings, I felt embarrassed and angry with myself for opening my heart and soul to her. Until she asked me if I wanted to come join her and her friend for coffee. When she went to the loo, her friend, who I had only just met, had told me “You have no idea how much she talks about you”. That should have told me everything I needed to know.

However, my insecurities and doubts kept creeping up. I just thought, despite how horribly selfish it was, that cutting contact was the best way to go for me.