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Got back in touch with her and I have sent an apology.

Ojwasguilty

A few weeks back I got back in touch, for the first time in five years, the girl I cut contact without any explanation whatsoever. We were never officially together, instead we had a sort of fling that lasted five years.

So I got in touch without thinking she would respond at all, or at the very least, she would tell me to kindly f*** off.

She responded, and she had a lot of things to say:

- She told me that all the hurt and pain had come back when I got in touch.

- That what I put her through badly affected her and still does.

- That she’s had issues with her relationships and that she’s never quite felt the same again.

- That she thought I hated her.

However she also told me this “I like the idea of us trying something together but I’m afraid of the result”

A week ago I sent her the apology:

(Her name), I'm really sorry to have cut you off in such a way, without explanation, and not being fair and honest to you. I behaved like a coward and an egoist. My behavior towards you was appalling and insensitive. I always doubted your feelings, and at the time, I thought it was the best way for me. I am sorry for all the pain and the hurt that I inflicted on you during all these years of questions and distress. During all these years I thought only of you, the morning when I woke up, throughout the day, the evening you are in my thoughts, in my heart. I do not know what you think and feel. (Her name) whatever happens know that I only wish you happiness in your life.

I was a real sack of **** to her. I was selfish and didn’t once think about how cutting her off so abruptly would affect her.

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bucketybuck

Ojwasguilty wrote: »

I was a real sack of **** to her. I was selfish and didn’t once think about how cutting her off so abruptly would affect her.

And 5 years later you didn't once think about how inserting yourself back into her life so abruptly would affect her. You are still selfish.

If this is real then you caused her a world of mental anguish. Whats the chances that you are now just lining her up for more of the same?

Calypso Realm

Out of interest OP, what made you doubt her feelings for you? (Actually, as it happens I know of other guys who've ghosted for a similar reason, so I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt here, as i know it can and does occur) Hence the reason I don't always jump to the default conclusion that ghosters always do so because they have lost interest, while accepting of course that most often it is the case!

So when you ceased contact, did she ever try to contact you? How old were you both at the time?

bitofabind

Good god this is triggering me. All the gobshytes that have behaved like selfish little boys and cut me off only to come back crawling months or years later.

I’ll say 2 things OP.

1. How dare you? You are disguising inherently selfish, thoughtless behaviour under the guise of doing the “right” thing. To ease your own conscience and see if she’s up for giving it a chance again. If you had any real, genuine feelings for the girl, you’d understand that the damage is done and no good can come from inserting yourself back in her life again. You took her trust and her security and vulnerability and shat all over it 5 years ago. There’s no coming back from that, even if she’s too low in self worth to realise it.

2. That’s a lot of words. Words words words, all very empty, from the perspective of someone who has been treated the same, suffered, healed and has the same thrown at me months/years later. Words are meaningless. Most men who fling them at you out of the blue are full of their own sh1t and doing it for the wrong reasons. As outlined above.
After 5 years of silence, you don’t have the right to emotionally vomit all over her and a more confident, secure woman would have stronger boundaries than to fall for them.

My advice would be to have a think about what’s really going on here. Why do you feel the need to insert yourself in her life again? What is your life lacking that you have to drudge up the past like this? Stop with the romantic, love sick puppy stuff, that’s just the story you’re telling yourself. You don’t swerve someone for 5 years if you love and care about them.

[Deleted User]

Then get back with her but show her you've changed, if that is true. And be happy, and honest, and make her happy. And talk it out.

Ojwasguilty

qwerty13 wrote: »

And what do you think this is, if not something very much to do with getting back together / restarting where you left off.

“During all these years I thought only of you, the morning when I woke up, throughout the day, the evening you are in my thoughts, in my heart. I do not know what you think and feel.”

That I still have feelings for her. I’m being completely honest with her and how I’ve felt all these years.

You’re right, just like she told me, I too would like us to try something together, anew. I know going back to what we had is impossible because I completely betrayed her trust, and I fully understand now why she’s afraid of the result, afraid that I would end up cutting her off again (which is what I believe she meant).

qwerty13

And what do you think this is, if not something very much to do with getting back together / restarting where you left off.

“During all these years I thought only of you, the morning when I woke up, throughout the day, the evening you are in my thoughts, in my heart. I do not know what you think and feel.”

[Deleted User]

What's the ask here OP?

Ojwasguilty

qwerty13 wrote: »

Hang on, you got back in touch with her 3 weeks ago, and apologised 1 week ago? So you *didn’t* get in touch to apologise for your behaviour - you got in touch with the express aim of restarting things, and only apologised 2 weeks later when she told you how badly your behaviour affected her?!?!

My god OP. I’m not slagging you off when I ask if you’ve learnt any empathy at all. Can you not see how this girl might feel? It was bad enough when i thought it was an apology, combined with you saying what your feelings were. But you just jumped straight back in with what *you* wanted, picking up where you left off 5 years ago - and only apologised 2 weeks later for treating her exceptionally poorly.

You are still behaving in a completely self absorbed manner, and operating as though you can pick up and drop people whenever you feel like it. I’ll ask again - what have you done to address your behaviour?

NO NO NO

First time was to ask if we could meet up. She replied with the text I put first in the OP.

Reason why I would have liked us to meet was to apologise to her in PERSON.

We had a back and forth between, but after she said she didn’t think meeting up would be the best idea (and I respect that), I sent her the apology.

I have not mentioned ONCE anything to do about getting back together or starting over where we were 5 years ago.

Ojwasguilty

qwerty13 wrote: »

You’ve managed to insert yourself back into her life with the same degree of selfishness that you displayed on leaving her life. You should’ve let your apology stand, and not introduced what you want from her.

Maybe your feelings are 100% genuine, but you would want to be very sure of that before you rekindle anything with her. And have you done anything to examine why you treated her like this in the first place, and whether you have changed enough not to behave like this again?

It’s not “maybe” these feelings I have are genuine - they are. I am absolutely sure about them.

I never meant to come across as selfish when I got back in touch with her five years after treating her so horrendously.

I was terribly insecure back then. I had doubts about her feelings even though it should have been completely obvious. We both agree it was selfish, but it was what I thought was best for me at the time.

To hear what she had to say to me in her first reply really hurt me, but what was I to expect for what I put her through - I was a big sack of **** to her.

I’m not that insecure prick I was back then. I’ve made all sorts of improvements with my self-esteem.

But it’s not about what I say I’ve changed, it’s about whether I can show her... and I can, but she’ll be the best judge of it.

If she’s open to us trying something, I’ll be 100% open with her and hide nothing from her.

That’s only if.

qwerty13

Hang on, you got back in touch with her 3 weeks ago, and apologised 1 week ago? So you *didn’t* get in touch to apologise for your behaviour - you got in touch with the express aim of restarting things, and only apologised 2 weeks later when she told you how badly your behaviour affected her?!?!

My god OP. I’m not slagging you off when I ask if you’ve learnt any empathy at all. Can you not see how this girl might feel? It was bad enough when i thought it was an apology, combined with you saying what your feelings were. But you just jumped straight back in with what *you* wanted, picking up where you left off 5 years ago - and only apologised 2 weeks later for treating her exceptionally poorly.

You are still behaving in a completely self absorbed manner, and operating as though you can pick up and drop people whenever you feel like it. I’ll ask again - what have you done to address your behaviour?

Ojwasguilty

[Deleted User] wrote: »

A five year "fling" sounds like a helluva long fling!

Would she have called it a fling or a relationship?

We only saw eachother during the holidays. We never made it official, and besides we both accepted that the distance would be too much.

I don’t know what she would have called it.

qwerty13

You’ve managed to insert yourself back into her life with the same degree of selfishness that you displayed on leaving her life. You should’ve let your apology stand, and not introduced what you want from her.

Maybe your feelings are 100% genuine, but you would want to be very sure of that before you rekindle anything with her. And have you done anything to examine why you treated her like this in the first place, and whether you have changed enough not to behave like this again?

LegacyUser

How about leave her alone instead of messing with her head. Are you contacting her because other relationships didn't work....much more likely than other relationships not working because of her. Maybe you're just feeding your ego still and so is she with your quote to be fair.

Ojwasguilty

[Deleted User] wrote: »

A five year "fling" sounds like a helluva long fling!

Would she have called it a fling or a relationship?

We only saw eachother during the holidays. We never made it official, and besides we both accepted that the distance would be too much.

I don’t know what she would have called it.

Ojwasguilty

Calypso Realm wrote: »

It's not clear what you're asking here OP.

OK, two things-why did you get back in touch with her after all this time and why did you essentially ghost her all those years ago? Unless you have serious intentions of getting back with her (weird after all this time) I think you should have left well enough alone.

Frankly, I'm surprised she responded as I know I wouldn't have!

I got back in touch because despite all the years of denial, I still have feelings for her and yes I’m serious about wanting us to try again.

I cut contact with her because I kept doubting her feelings and eventually I convinced myself she didn’t like me. At the time I thought it was the best thing for me to do to help me move on and forget about her.

I got into other relationships, which all failed, and it took me time to realise why: I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

I was really surprised she answered. But I was really surprised and quite confused by her telling me she “likes the idea of us trying something together but I’m afraid of the result”.

[Deleted User]

A five year "fling" sounds like a helluva long fling!

Would she have called it a fling or a relationship?

Calypso Realm

It's not clear what you're asking here OP.

OK, two things-why did you get back in touch with her after all this time and why did you essentially ghost her all those years ago? Unless you have serious intentions of getting back with her (weird after all this time) I think you should have left well enough alone.

Frankly, I'm surprised she responded as I know I wouldn't have!