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Child Item

Why do so many people cheat'?

MSGSM

First off, if this is the wrong place to post then I apologise.

I've been chatting to friends about the staggering amount of people cheating.

I'm a single male in my 20's and firmly in the dating scene. I've had to help friends through times where their other half has cheated and I've heard so many stories about people cheating that it's really made me realise how naive I used to be in this regard.

Now I'm not claiming to be any white knight cos I've not had great luck with women but I could never cheat. I believe that if you're not happy in your own relationship, you talk to the other person and end the relationship before going near anyone else. And this includes any form of sexual/flirty contact with someone that isn't your partner.
What has happened to common decency?

My opinion is, it's down to people settling for people that they don't truly want to be with due to a fear of being alone or needing someone.
I'd say alcohol has a lot to do with it too.

Any other opinions?

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wiggle16

fmpisces wrote: »

Some people want to have their cake and eat it too.
They think they'll get away with it/don't care if they get caught if it gives them a "way out" of the relationship rather than doing the kindest thing for all and just ending it.
The whole offline/online dating scene just makes it so flippin' easy to cheat.
But ultimately it boils down to not loving their partner enough to stay faithful to them. Sad really.

I don't know if it makes it easier to cheat. It makes it much easier to get caught though. Look how many PI threads contain the sentences "Did you check her phone, OP?" or "I would never invade my partner's privacy, but I checked his phone..." :rolleyes:

I don't know if cheating is any more common than it was in the past, I would doubt it. People were more private years ago and tended not to air their dirty laundry in public, we didn't have divorce and if a woman was married and had kids she could not just up and leave or kick him out if she found out he was doing the dirt, it was not an option in the same way it is today, so you were less likely to hear about it, I would imagine.

People who want to have sex outside of their relationship will find a way to do it and someone to do it with. Always have and always will.

MSGSM

Church on Tuesday wrote:

A lot of the time it's because people are in dead relationships/marriages with dead bedrooms. That stuff can be avoided but that's for another thread.

This is the main point imo. How do you think it can be avoided?
I think a big issue is people not knowing themselves enough when they get into said relationship and settling for someone that's not right for them due to a fear of being on their own etc.

ILoveYourVibes

MSGSM wrote: »

poor emotional intelligence

Two strangers in the same bed. I know a woman (not a cheater) but she said she got massages (normal ones) for the human touch.

I thought that was sad.

MSGSM

ILoveYourVibes wrote:

Two strangers in the same bed. I know a woman (not a cheater) but she said she got massages (normal ones) for the human touch.

That is really sad. That's a lack of intimacy. I think that is an area that probably was lacking from the start apart from the honeymoon phase of constant sex. However, as the years went on, the sex became less frequent which means that physical touch was probably non existent.
Again, sounds like a pair that aren't suited.

wiggle16

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

But i think in reality they cheat because neither of them know how to keep that marriage strong.

I think this is oversimplistic tbh. As another poster said, human beings are not straightforward creatures, and people cheat for a lot of different reasons.

Lots of people think they have a perfectly good, happy, healthy relationship and then find out their partner has been bumping uglies with someone else for a couple of years.

lainey_d_123

MSGSM wrote: »

This is the main point imo. How do you think it can be avoided?
I think a big issue is people not knowing themselves enough when they get into said relationship and settling for someone that's not right for them due to a fear of being on their own etc.

It's easy to say that about others though, isn't it? How many people truly know themselves at, say, 24? Yet over half the people I know who are married now met their partner around that age or younger.

I don't think there's a particular pattern for cheating. Some do it and some don't. Sometimes it's because of issues in the relationship, sometimes it's literally just one person being a selfish tw*t.

MSGSM

lainey_d_123 wrote:

It's easy to say that about others though, isn't it? How many people truly know themselves at, say, 24? Yet over half the people I know who are married now met their partner around that age or younger.

I'm 25 and I know myself very well. I haven't been in a relationship and I worked hard on myself over the last 7 years (although it was coupled with a few mental illness diagnoses) but again just because you get into a relationship doesn't mean you stop working on yourself. If you grow out of that relationship or away from your partner then have the decency to be honest with your partner and end it rather than sleeping around behind their back.

wiggle16

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

It's easy to say that about others though, isn't it? How many people truly know themselves at, say, 24? Yet over half the people I know who are married now met their partner around that age or younger.

I don't think there's a particular pattern for cheating. Some do it and some don't. Sometimes it's because of issues in the relationship, sometimes it's literally just one person being a selfish tw*t.

Spot on. People cheat for all sorts of reasons and some for no particular reason at all.

A relative of mine had an affair, her husband travelled a lot with work and they hadn't been getting on when he was home. I really think it had more to do with loneliness than anything else, in her case. Doesn't make it okay, but it makes it easier to understand why it happened.

I am tempted to think that in most cases people cheat because they are getting something from it they are not getting (or don't feel like they are getting) with their partner, whether that's intimacy, excitement, the feeling of being wanted, the feeling of discovering someone new, or sometimes just a bigger d*ck or bigger breasts..... but there are also plenty of people who seem to cheat simply because the opportunity presents itself.

Church on Tuesday

MSGSM wrote: »

This is the main point imo. How do you think it can be avoided?
I think a big issue is people not knowing themselves enough when they get into said relationship and settling for someone that's not right for them due to a fear of being on their own etc.

That can be one of the reasons. Sometimes people just realize one day that they are looking for something different which they can't have/get with their current partner.

In a lot of cases, the spark just goes away. Relationships are a lot of hard work. In many cases people just start taking each other for granted and stop being appreciative of that person and what they have and get lazy. Once that starts boredom sets in gradually and gets worse and then the grass seems a lot greener on the other side.

Put the effort in, if you care enough that is. The courting process never really ends. Keeps things fresh and exciting (it really doesn't have to be anything extravagant or lofty) don't get stuck in a rut, never go to bed angry and above all don't take your partner for granted.

Tell me how

Deleted User wrote: »

It is far more complicated than this because human beings are not straightforward.

Unquestionably yes for some, unquestionably not for others in my view.
The actual core motivation to make the decision to want something new can be different and even not understood but some just want it because the opportunity is there.

wiggle16

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I will admit that I have cheated.

I had a gf for 9 years and I cheated on her twice. The second time l cheated on her I ended up leaving her for the other woman. I went out with that woman for about a year and a half and I also cheated on her too with someone off of tinder. We broke up later on for unrelated reasons.

I am now 33 and single and have no intention of getting into an LTR for the foreseeable future as I have no interest in it. i'd rather meet people casually for the ride off of pof or bumble.

About a year ago I was dating a girl who I guess had intentions of a relationship. I was also meeting other women at the same time, all unbeknownst to eachother.
It got to the point where by chance I was meeting a girl who's sister I was also meeting about a year previous and had ghosted after we had a dramatic falling out. They lived together and when I was with the sister I used have to sneak up the stairs with her so the sister wouldn't hear. I can't imagine the hell that would unfold if the sister had caught me in her house with her sister.

Why do I do it? I guess it is the thrill and the risk!! It is crazy.

I am presently meeting several women for shenanigans all unknownst to eachother. My closest friends know all this and they say I am a addicted to dating.

You must be f*cking gorgeous, Conor.

Lotus Flower

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Sure beats being a married 40s/50s something man that gets sex once every few months in the most boring way possible. Other than security for kids there is nothing good about marriage for a man at least. You are just a cash cow in reality.

Can definitely see why someone would cheat. Have never done it myself out of some misplaced sense of loyalty or maybe Catholic guilt, even though I'm an athiest.

Not every marriage is like that though, no reason a healthy sex life can't continue on.

kikilarue2

Here are some of the reasons I've heard in the last few years
- deeply unhappy in the relationship but didn't know how to leave after so long (12 years)
- unhappy but too cowardly to finish it (after 8 years)
- wanted his wife and his mistress and for them both to just be okay with that (10 years)
- loved partner but had totally incompatible sex drives so sought it elsewhere (8 years)

The first three are broken up now, the fourth are still together.

Earthhorse

Nobody knows how common cheating really is. Probably happens more than the most naive amongst us suspect but less than the most cynical do. Though really it’s less your outlook and more your peer group that determines how frequently you’ll encounter cheaters:

https://youtu.be/nUdsTizSxSI

MSGSM

Thanks all for the replies.

I think the overriding factor that has come out of this is that whether it is your first date or 50thv wedding anniversary, you have to keep working on your relationship. As was mentioned, the courting stage never ends and it's importing to communicate openly and honestly.
It may sound harsh but I think cheating is a cowardly thing to do. No matter the situation, you sit your ass down and talk to your partner to work through any issues or part ways.
You will always get people who only care about themselves and will cheat without a second thought. It's about trying to find those people and stay away from them.

Tell me how

MSGSM wrote: »

Thanks all for the replies.

I think the overriding factor that has come out of this is that whether it is your first date or 50thv wedding anniversary, you have to keep working on your relationship. As was mentioned, the courting stage never ends and it's importing to communicate openly and honestly.
It may sound harsh but I think cheating is a cowardly thing to do. No matter the situation, you sit your ass down and talk to your partner to work through any issues or part ways.
You will always get people who only care about themselves and will cheat without a second thought. It's about trying to find those people and stay away from them.

What would you think of a hypothetical situation where a partner is no longer able to have sex after an accident. They want their spouse to remain faithful, the spouse does not want to abandon their partner but wants to continue having a sex life.

Would cheating in such an instance not be an understandable outcome?

Completely hypothetical, but just reading the bit in your post where you said 'no matter the situation', this came to mind for some reason.

sallyanne12

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Sure beats being a married 40s/50s something man that gets sex once every few months in the most boring way possible. Other than security for kids there is nothing good about marriage for a man at least. You are just a cash cow in reality.

Can definitely see why someone would cheat. Have never done it myself out of some misplaced sense of loyalty or maybe Catholic guilt, even though I'm an athiest.

That's a really sad way to think about relationships. So you're basically putting meaningless sex above love and attachment. Do you not like the idea of having someone to share happy moments with and care for you when you're sick.. does that not mean more than sex? And also a lot of women still have regular sex at that age

MSGSM

Tell me how wrote:

Completely hypothetical, but just reading the bit in your post where you said 'no matter the situation', this came to mind for some reason.

In that case then you have to come to an agreement. Sometimes ya hear of people letting their partner have casual sex if they aren't able to fulfill their needs or just aren't interested. That's not cheating as the partner knows about it.
I personally wouldn't see that situation as an excuse to cheat.

RobbingBandit

Daft punk and their poxy song has ruined many a goodnight

decky1

A subject close to my heart [if people have seen my posts,] 35 years married and she was seeing a so called good friend of mine for all that time, I worked nearly all my married life 12 hours a day+ she had everything she wanted and the funny thing was he was doing the same for her, she seemed to be leading a double life, but then it backfired [when a medium told my daughter about her]] and as she thought he loved her so much he dropped her like a hot snot and now she has no one, ah sweet justice. I put this one down to Greed or as the medium put it Golddigger. You think you know someone but the human mind is funny you never know what people are up to but what goes around comes around .

Tell me how

decky1 wrote: »

A subject close to my heart [if people have seen my posts,] 35 years married and she was seeing a so called good friend of mine for all that time, I worked nearly all my married life 12 hours a day+ she had everything she wanted and the funny thing was he was doing the same for her, she seemed to be leading a double life, but then it backfired [when a medium told my daughter about her]] and as she thought he loved her so much he dropped her like a hot snot and now she has no one, ah sweet justice. I put this one down to Greed or as the medium put it Golddigger. You think you know someone but the human mind is funny you never know what people are up to but what goes around comes around .

That is tough.

Can I just say though, a round of applause to the person who came up with 'get a medium to tell them' without revealing they knew what was going on.

decky1

Tell me how wrote: »

That is tough.

Can I just say though, a round of applause to the person who came up with 'get a medium to tell them' without revealing they knew what was going on.

not too sure about the meaning of that?? believe me no one knew what she was doing[except some of her close friends who now give her the cold shoulder as they seem to be too ashamed to have been part of it]:D

Tell me how

decky1 wrote: »

not too sure about the meaning of that?? believe me no one knew what she was doing[except some of her close friends who now give her the cold shoulder as they seem to be too ashamed to have been part of it]:D

What I mean is I do not believe that a medium deduced your wife was cheating without somebody having had a word in her ear.
Not trying to have a go at you or your experience.

decky1

Tell me how wrote: »

What I mean is I do not believe that a medium deduced your wife was cheating without somebody having had a word in her ear.
Not trying to have a go at you or your experience.

I think there was a post here before about 'Mediums' this one lived about 50 mile away don't think she would have known, did'nt believe in that sort of thing but she told her other stuff as well that only close family would know.:eek:

Blaizes

_blaaz wrote: »

People cheat for a huge amount of reasons...to extent that virtually everyone cheats eventually ime

Sad,but thats the truth of life...in area im from.anyway

It’s not true that everyone cheats eventually. My parents are married over forty years, never any cheating, I’d say it never even crossed their minds. They adore each other.

Just to add I’m not saying that everyone has the same experience but I do think couples can stay loyal. But that said I know times are different now and it’s a different generation.

[Deleted User]

sallyanne12 wrote: »

That's a really sad way to think about relationships. So you're basically putting meaningless sex above love and attachment. Do you not like the idea of having someone to share happy moments with and care for you when you're sick.. does that not mean more than sex? And also a lot of women still have regular sex at that age

I don't know, I think that's a bit black and white. A lot of spouses seem to think their partner should endure a sexless relationship indefinitely. If sex is so meaningless to the point where one partner doesn't want it, why care if the other spouse gets it somewhere else?

A person can't simultaneously say sex is meaningful but also say people should be fine without it.

decky1

Blaizes wrote: »

It’s not true that everyone cheats eventually. My parents are married over forty years, never any cheating, I’d say it never even crossed their minds. They adore each other.

best wishes to them, I used to visit with my father a friend of his [i was only around 12 at the time] and when we'd get there his friend and his wife would be on the rug in front of the fire with their arms around each other , even then i thought it was the nicest thing i'd ever seen[they were a middle aged couple at the time] as with my parents they were together for life and were very happy with each other, sorry to say it's not that way now.

jaxxx

Cos people are stupid.

lainey_d_123

Blaizes wrote: »

It’s not true that everyone cheats eventually. My parents are married over forty years, never any cheating, I’d say it never even crossed their minds. They adore each other.

Just to add I’m not saying that everyone has the same experience but I do think couples can stay loyal. But that said I know times are different now and it’s a different generation.

How do you know?

Leg End Reject

A myriad of reasons - unhappy with sex life, boredom, opportunity, the thrill, married the wrong person for the wrong reasons, grown apart over time, can get away with it etc.