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Am I annoyed over nothing

laurey

Recently I began living with my brother. I've noticed an unfairness about him. I always offer him food and often cook a big dish with the intention to have food for the next day and there'll never be any left over as he finishes it. I dont mind this as I'm by nature a giving person and I like to be kind. But I've noticed he is so mean. He will do a BBQ or make a delicious lunch and never offers me. I asked for a taste once and he told me to get a spoon to try a bit. There's never an invite for me to get dinner etc. The other day I had no food left and short of money so I took one of his steaks to cook and he had such a hissy fit that I went straight to the shop and bought him a new packet. Yet I cook a chicken and he'll help himself and eat it all on me and none left. He seems a bit spoilt and I'm afraid to talk to him because he gets sad and then my family give out to me for being mean to him.. shud I leave it or any suggestions what I cud say?

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beveragelady

This is a very good example of how somebody can convince themselves that they're a good and virtuous person by allowing themselves to be treated like dirt by a freeloader.

Your brother will continue to validate your existence in this manner until he finds an equally foolish lady to take him on as a project. She will fulfill your current role and he will let her because he has been allowed to form the impression that he is a special little lamb and everybody will always pander to his needs.

SirChenjin

'He seems a bit spoilt and I'm afraid to talk to him because he gets sad and then my family give out to me for being mean to him.. shud I leave it or any suggestions what I cud say?'

So if you try to point out the facts, he goes running to tell others that he is 'sad and you are being mean to him.'

At thirty something years of age...

I'm not sure there is anything else you can do except as most posters have suggested, talk to him. You could suggest that you both contribute equally to food buying, and cooking, that might help.

missmatty

My brother moved into a houseshare I was in years ago. The first week, he asked me to iron a couple of shirts for him. I did, and I charged him 5 euro for each one. That was the last time he asked me. Fairly soon after, he discovered the oven in the kitchen and figured out how to use it as well.

Your brother is completely taking the p!ss, I bet he's not coeliac either as real coeliacs (and I know both real ones & fake ones) have to be so careful with what they eat. Make your own dinners, freeze the leftovers and let him look after himself as he doesn't seem to have ever made you a dinner. You are enabling him even though you don't mean to. My brother was lifted & laid at home as well and I wasn't going to carry on the tradition.

qwerty13

It sounds like you are both products of your upbringing: he’s been mammied so much that it’s his norm to expect you to look after him, and that it doesn’t enter his head to reciprocate if you make dinner for him (or any number of household tasks, I’d imagine). And you’ve been expected to put your own needs second.

I think you should not live with him any more. You are both set in a bad pattern for yourselves. His current behaviour is going to do him no favours in any relationship he is in. He just has never grown up. And without being critical of you, you are in a bad cycle of people pleasing and guilt trips OP. The combination of the two of you sharing a house is actually extremely bad for both of you, and you are both stuck in behaviours that are not conducive to a healthy adult life

ILoveYourVibes

Yes. Sorry to be blunt.

You live with anyone things like this will happen.

You have to put up with whomever you live with. They have to put up with you.

qwerty13

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Yes. Sorry to be blunt.

You live with anyone things like this will happen.

You have to put up with whomever you live with. They have to put up with you.

Sorry that is simply not true.

People sharing a house do manage not to take advantage of each other / be a doormat for the other.

People falling into their old patterns is the problem. And that’s why the OP should absolutely not be sharing with her bro.

ILoveYourVibes

qwerty13 wrote: »

Sorry that is simply not true.

People sharing a house do manage not to take advantage of each other / be a doormat for the other.

People falling into their old patterns is the problem. And that’s why the OP should absolutely not be sharing with her bro.

I respect your view point. I don't however see it that way.

But its all depending on certain factors etc. If money is tighter etc. These things really matter.

If not they don't.

It's all relative I suppose.

I don't mean to shame. I just saying it as I see it.

It could be possible for some people that the price of food etc is more meaningful than to them than others.

I can't relate to that though. SO that was why i gave the answer i did.

But YOUR reply made me rethink what if other people are in different situations? So thank you for that. I would have remained less self aware only for you.

For some people fighting over something like that wouldn't seem worth it because it costs nothing to them. But that isn't the same for everyone. I just needed to be reminded of that.

qwerty13

Money being tight is one aspect, but I see that as not as big an aspect as the brother viewing his sibling as a replacement mammy - and the OP acting almost as that.

I don’t mean to insult the OP in saying that, but, well, that is how things seem to be - and the OP is clearly not happy with that arrangement, or else they wouldn’t have posted. The money aspect is just a symptom of the bigger problem: the brother being a man-child, and the OP stuck trying to please people/avoid feeling guilt. That is why I said that it’s a really bad idea for them both to be living together.

strandroad

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

It could be possible for some people that the price of food etc is more meaningful than to them than others.

It's not the price of food, it's the cheek and the effort taken for granted, and the practical difficulty when you can't even prep your lunch in advance or count on your food being the in the fridge when you open it again, because you are sharing with a pest.

ILoveYourVibes

qwerty13 wrote: »

Money being tight is one aspect, but I see that as not as big an aspect as the brother viewing his sibling as a replacement mammy - and the OP acting almost as that.

I don’t mean to insult the OP in saying that, but, well, that is how things seem to be - and the OP is clearly not happy with that arrangement, or else they wouldn’t have posted. The money aspect is just a symptom of the bigger problem: the brother being a man-child, and the OP stuck trying to please people/avoid feeling guilt. That is why I said that it’s a really bad idea for them both to be living together.

True.I never thought of it this way.

But then people say I am too giving. :rolleyes:

ongarboy

I guess I don't understand that OP would constantly give food to their brother and when the brother refuses to give food to OP, OP would never once challenge the brother on why they weren't reciprocating? That is all on the OP being a doormat. Where OP says they feel guilty and sorry for the brother if they don't give them food, that again is solely on the OP. Yes, the brother is being a dick and totally taking advantage of OP but OP is totally facilitating/enabling/encouraging it by being a doormat.

OP - stand up for yourself and stop feeling guilty or sorry for them as you are giving them full licence to take full advantage of you. PS - I like the suggestion about including gluten in everything you cook even if it would be a passive aggressive means of addressing the situation. Ensure you cook dishes with as much gluten laden sauces, bread crumbed chicken, battered fish, pasta dishes, sausages, gravy, white sauce, casseroles, soups, stews.

I'd question why you are even choosing to live with a thirty something sibling that grates you this way.

Ursus Horribilis

I guess it's all down to the conditioning. That for some unexplained reason, the family all indulged this fella and turned him into a child trapped in a 33 year old man's body. I bet the problems in this house-share aren't confined to the food issue either. Does he ever clean the bathroom or run the hoover/mop over the floors? I think I know the answer to this one.

AulWan

laurey wrote: »

I'm not sure if he doesn't realise from being spoilt or is just selfish..

You are being completely manipulated. He knows exactly what he is doing, standing behind you expressing how hungry he is while you are cooking.

You're going to have to put manners on him, or else he is going to keep using you.

valoren

Always turn it back on him no matter what you cook. If he does the milling around/pretending to be starving routine while you're cooking, tell him he's not getting any because XYZ has "loads of gluten" in it and he can't have any because you won't want to be responsible when (not if) he gets the "sh1ts".

Do that every time.

AulWan

Next time your cooking and he's mooching and comes out with "what will I have" simply answer "steak".

Paddy Cow

You have two options:

1 Continue to say nothing and let him eat all your food while he shares none.

2 Don't offer him anything when you are cooking and tell him not to touch the leftovers as they are for your dinner/lunch the next day.

You are not your brother's mother and he is not going to starve if you don't feed him. I think it would be healthy for you to work on your assertiveness and stop the people pleasing. Today it's your brother but in future you could fall into the same bad habits with a partner. Do yourself a favour and ignore his obvious begging. It's like feeding a stray dog - do it once and they'll keep coming back.

JustAThought

How did.you move in with your brother & not to his house? Did he move you into his flatshare / get you into an empty room in his girlfriends / or are.you both back with your parents?