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How is a man supposed to find a woman in the 21st century

jimjangles

I've tried online dating sites and they're absolutely useless.
I'm not ugly but it would seem by my terrible lack of popularity that I don't have the looks for online dating.
Whatever they're looking for online it's not me.
Also I have no kind of a social life anymore.
Also I'm 37 and I'm a man.
So if online dating doesn't work and I have no social life and I live in the midlands seems things aren't really going to work out too good for me for finding someone ever.
I should probably just forget about it.

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suicide_circus

"Cant handle me at my worst dont deserve me at my best" (sociopath)

"Curvy" (morbidly obese)

"Bubbly" (see Curvy)

"No filter" (mental patient)

OMM 0000

suicide_circus wrote: »

"Cant handle me at my worst dont deserve me at my best" (sociopath)

"Curvy" (morbidly obese)

"Bubbly" (see Curvy)

"No filter" (mental patient)

"I don't need a man" (obsesses about men 24/7)

FTA69

Greyfox wrote: »

There is still the social aspect that your ignoring. Millions of people play online with there friends in real life, it's a great way to keep in contact with friends in another country. Also games like Mario karts are very popular at house parties. Theres nothing wrong with looking at a screen for a few hours, most people do it regularly. if gaming is a passion of yours at least your been honest and if a girl isint open to the hobby then a guy is better of meeting someone else. Playing all day every day is different, that would rightly put a woman off.

In fairness I did say that playing Tekken etc in the gaff back in the day (or whatever people be at) was sociable and there was nothing wrong with it in moderation. My concern is defining your leisure time by the playing of computer games and the idea that waffling to strangers is a social activity.

mdk_kdm

_blaaz wrote: »

Sex pest point aside....most of these are equally appliciple to women on dating sites iirc

Women on Tinder: "I won't respond if you just say Hi"
Women on Bumble: "Hey"

ArchXStanton

mdk_kdm wrote: »

Women on Tinder: "I won't respond if you just say Hi"
Women on Bumble: "Hey"

Or if we match you message first...

They still like to be in the seat of doing the rejecting..

FTA69

mdk_kdm wrote: »

Women on Tinder: "I won't respond if you just say Hi"
Women on Bumble: "Hey"

Haha that's a common one. I'd immediately put them on the spot with some silly question about their favourite chocolate bar and why or what was the last song they heard and what was the worst thing that happened them abroad or something.

If it's still one-word closed answer stuff then delete and move on. You'd melt your head otherwise. It should be a bit of a laugh rather than a slog.

Greyfox

mdk_kdm wrote: »

Women on Tinder: "I won't respond if you just say Hi"
Women on Bumble: "Hey"

The fact is women can get away with minimum effort. Women do get bombarded with idiots who have put no effort in or who just want a quick hook up. Online dating is now the best way for a guy to meet a girl but a guy has to stand out and prove he's not one of those guys. This means 4/5 pictures, decent bio and ask interesting questions and follow up with relevant questions that build rapport rather than generic how is your week going. Also guys need to reply soon and ask another question as if a guy waits 12 hours to reply she'll usually be gone

[Deleted User]

Greyfox wrote: »

The fact is women can get away with minimum effort. Women do get bombarded with idiots who have put no effort in or who just want a quick hook up. Online dating is now the best way for a guy to meet a girl but a guy has to stand out and prove he's not one of those guys. This means 4/5 pictures, decent bio and ask interesting questions and follow up with relevant questions that build rapport rather than generic how is your week going. Also guys need to reply soon and ask another question as if a guy waits 12 hours to reply she'll usually be gone

Look I have a better idea, why don't the single men get in a room, ram their heads together, and the last one standing gets the female

blueser

Go out to social events, see a pretty lady, go up and say hello. That's it, really. If you get turned down every time, there's a message in there for you fella. And you may just be destined to live your life as a hand milked man.

Neames

Play hard to get. That's supposed to work a treat.

And apparently if you're a bad boy, you're quids in.

[Deleted User]

As a middle aged married man I can't see how most young women would go for a guy who is a fanatic gamer, just as back in the day stamp collectors or computer nerds were never rolling in pussy. It was the sports guys or the edgy band member / borderline criminal types that was popular. Arguing otherwise shows a disconnect from reality.

Richard Hillman

I don't know any women that play computer games. Unless you're counting Candy Crush.

The_Brood

The amount of sneering, mocking, gleeful dung people with good social lives are spewing down on those less fortunate here is remarkable. Everyone who is not like you is just an idiot who didnt think of joining a sports team or just talking to people - of course.

Has society ever been as toxic as this?

CelticRambler

FTA69 wrote: »

Right, so us posting on boards right now is that a social activity? Can boards.ie be construed as socialising?

Yes.

No ifs, buts or maybe: you've already called me "mate" twice in the space of 24 hours, so there's proof that it is! :P

Conversing on a forum is as much "socialising" as two blokes in an office talking about "the match" and if you know the rules of medium, then it's just as likely that you'll have as meaningful a relationship with a boards.ie member as someone who works two desks down from you in the office.

Anyone who thinks online communications - in the context of gaming, WhatsApping, dating, or posting on forums - is in some way inferior to face-to-face conversation obviously doesn't really know how to use the medium. Maybe that's where us "old" folk have the advantage - back in our day, you had to sit down with a pen and write words on a piece of paper and trust in the postal service to deliver your message if you wanted to keep up a relationship at a distance, and d'y'know what? It worked.

Wibbs

The_Brood wrote: »

Has society ever been as toxic as this?

By most criteria society has never been more open and inclusive. I suppose what has changed is online social media has painted an often false idea of others and their lives and again online less sociable and lonely people are more visible. Even so such people have way more avenues of connection and engagement with the world and others like them.

[Deleted User]

The_Brood wrote: »

The amount of sneering, mocking, gleeful dung people with good social lives are spewing down on those less fortunate here is remarkable. Everyone who is not like you is just an idiot who didnt think of joining a sports team or just talking to people - of course.

Has society ever been as toxic as this?

agreed to an extent

but you dont have any words left for the posters who feel entitled to a woman just cos? the ones spewing the damaging incel/mgtow/'game' rubbish?

plenty of good advice in the thread and little attention paid to it

[Deleted User]

jimjangles wrote: »

I don't attract anything lol.

There is often a reason for this that you do not see yourself.

I often hear people say they do not attract anyone online - or offline. In pubs or in speed dating and so on. And often they have no idea why.

So they start to buy into these things people always say that "women just want money" "women just want looks" "Women dont like the smell of beta" "irish women are prudes" "Women only want foreigners" and so on. Basically any slogan that blames the group the individual is failing to attract - rather than the individual blaming themselves - is fair game.

But for example I went speed dating with a such a guy - a guy that me and all my mates male and female thought was lovely - and us and he could simply not understand why he was not getting anywhere.

That is - until I saw him in action. His approach was - awful. Really awful. He just could not see it.

So I worked on him. Not like PUA stuff - which I hate - but still working on him and his approach and technique and style and more.

And we went from the first speed dating where he got _zero_ interest to the second speed dating we did together where he got more of the women in the group interested than not. So over 50%.

But as others have said - just work on yourself and get involved in all the things you can that you might get enjoyment or other personal benefit from. My own experience has been that meeting someone is not a good target in life or a good path to try and follow - rather it is something that happens along the way when walking other paths.

For me the girlfriends I met and live with now I met by getting involved in the Live music I like. Specifically I used to go to the websites of music I like to post on the forums there. I would post "meet ups" before gigs I was going to. And the fans would come for beers and to meet other fans. So I met loads of people that way - including the girls I am now with. And since I was essentially the organizer I was socially the centre of attention which is a good place to be to impress and meet people for relationships of any kind - friendships or romantic.

I did not do any of it to meet girls though. I did it because A) I wanted to meet people

I wanted to get actively involved in something and C) I wanted to do more with my love of live music. Meeting the girls I have spend the last 11 or so years with was just a bonus and unplanned and unforeseen and unintended bonus.

Mister Vain

Deleted User wrote: »

My own experience has been that meeting someone is not a good target in life or a good path to try and follow - rather it is something that happens along the way when walking other paths.

That's a really nice way of putting it. If more people had that mindset they would be much better off.

OMM 0000

Wibbs wrote: »

By most criteria society has never been more open and inclusive. I suppose what has changed is online social media has painted an often false idea of others and their lives and again online less sociable and lonely people are more visible. Even so such people have way more avenues of connection and engagement with the world and others like them.

I agree a lot with this.

Previously the weird and unstable people were pretty much hidden from society. Now they're online. None of my "normal" friends (I'm only relatively normal) use boards or reddit or anything like that.

This is why I don't believe the idea that when people go online they're more extreme or less polite. I think what's actually happening is the people who regularly post online are not regular folk.

I went to a boards event (you were there Wibbs) and it was an eye opener for me. I'm being sincere: I had never met people like that before. Wibbs - you were the most normal person there, and I think you'd agree you're like me - "relatively normal".

I also think social media has exposed problems with our education systems. There are many people who can only think in a black and white way (Trump is Hitler! Trump is the best ever!) and a lot of people who cannot think in a non-emotional way. We need to fix this.

It is true this is the best society we've ever had. I see so much talk about Nazis and white supremacists. But if you were to gather all the Nazis and white supremacists in Ireland, you'd probably have 12 people.

Zorya

Deleted User wrote: »

I did not do any of it to meet girls though. I did it because A) I wanted to meet people I wanted to get actively involved in something and C) I wanted to do more with my love of live music. Meeting the girls I have spend the last 11 or so years with was just a bonus and unplanned and unforeseen and unintended bonus.

So greedy. A girl to spare and you wouldn't even help out the OP. Cruel is right.

The_Brood

Wibbs wrote: »

The_Brood wrote: »

Has society ever been as toxic as this?

By most criteria society has never been more open and inclusive. I suppose what has changed is online social media has painted an often false idea of others and their lives and again online less sociable and lonely people are more visible. Even so such people have way more avenues of connection and engagement with the world and others like them.

Open and inclusive for everyone? Or just some? Not everyone is brilliant at sports or into the pub scene. And those people are treated as freaks and leppers by society. Is that inclusive? People's "I'm better than you attitude" in this thread. Is that inclusive? Sometimes showing a little bit of understanding for people different to you is better than acting like you can "fix them" with that one bit of genious advice you have. Unless you've walked in people's shoes you'll never know the effects of social exclusion. But the worst is people pretending that they know what its like because at one point they felt lonely but got over it, as if thats remotely the same thing.

[Deleted User]

Zorya wrote: »

So greedy. A girl to spare and you wouldn't even help out the OP. Cruel is right.

Man what I could do with toes like that. Evolution really screwed us over on that one. Give us back our freaky feet-hands!!!

Zorya

Deleted User wrote: »

Man what I could do with toes like that. Evolution really screwed us over on that one. Give us back our freaky feet-hands!!!

Practise. People do amazing things with their feet.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49hkD6dmX8k

FTA69

The_Brood wrote: »

Open and inclusive for everyone? Or just some? Not everyone is brilliant at sports or into the pub scene. And those people are treated as freaks and leppers by society. Is that inclusive? People's "I'm better than you attitude" in this thread. Is that inclusive? Sometimes showing a little bit of understanding for people different to you is better than acting like you can "fix them" with that one bit of genious advice you have. Unless you've walked in people's shoes you'll never know the effects of social exclusion. But the worst is people pretending that they know what its like because at one point they felt lonely but got over it, as if thats remotely the same thing.

Nobody is saying that, it isn't a choice between the pub and sports alone. People are stressing self-improvement as a means to get confident. You can go to the gym, you can make better dietary choices and dress better. There are websites galore that can help you with advice on that if you can be arsed making the change.

AS for hobbies, doing literally any activity that puts you in contact with people - language learning, reading groups etc etc will be beneficial.

Of course there are people with reasons that make any of the above impossible, but for the vast majority of people they're just stuck in a rut and need to push themselves out of it.

Wanderer2010

What I find the darkest side of social media is practically everyone is going to huge lengths to ensure that their lives seem rich, full of friendships, happy and without a care in the world. Pictures of them hugging drinking buddies portray that this person is my best friend in the world and he/she knows all my darkest secrets but still accepts me 100% and anyone who isn't like me is weird and bad and needs to get to my point in life NOW.

I know that may not be the intent of the poster but nobody ever puts up a post saying they feel depressed or that they feel massive regrets about their life. Its all 100% positive all the time and the odd time people do post about mental health its usually jumping on the bandwagon about a #itsoktotalk campaign, and I see so many people who were/are absolutely horrible people and bullies putting up a cringey post about mental health, that does a lot of damage to people who are genuinely suffering. Social media can be a good thing but if you don't see beyond the sandy foundation of it i.e not everyone is perfect and what you see is only a fraction of a persons life, you can get sucked into comparing your life to everyone around you and left feeling wanting or like a loser.

Can anyone really say there are more than 4 or 5 people in all their FB friend list that actually CARE about them or what happens to them? More than 4 or 5 people you could call at 4am if you were stuck? FB and social media can be bad tools for people with few friends or introverts.

ancapailldorcha

Just had a read of this thread and it's quite depressing to see videogames getting such a slating. I'm not referring to the idea of gaming being a way to meet people but the idea that women might be deterred if a guy said he enjoyed it as a hobby. I love gaming and usually spend about 6-12 hours a week on it depending on time for my other hobbies, my evening class, etc... The idea that even mentioning that might put off potential partners is grim to be honest.

I'd like to meet someone but I've also learned to enjoy my freedom to do pretty much do whatever I want, be it travel, gaming, walks/hikes, reading in the park, random days out, museums, cinema trips and so on... I never seem to meet people but... Que sera sera I suppose.

Don't even start me on apps. I'd happily bin the lot along with the redpill/PUA sheite.

ILoveYourVibes

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

Just had a read of this thread and it's quite depressing to see videogames getting such a slating. I'm not referring to the idea of gaming being a way to meet people but the idea that women might be deterred if a guy said he enjoyed it as a hobby. I love gaming and usually spend about 6-12 hours a week on it depending on time for my other hobbies, my evening class, etc... The idea that even mentioning that might put off potential partners is grim to be honest.

I'd like to meet someone but I've also learned to enjoy my freedom to do pretty much do whatever I want, be it travel, gaming, walks/hikes, reading in the park, random days out, museums, cinema trips and so on... I never seem to meet people but... Que sera sera I suppose.

Don't even start me on apps. I'd happily bin the lot along with the redpill/PUA sheite.

i wouldn't care if i fancied you ..dont worry about it..

ancapailldorcha

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

i wouldn't care if i fancied you ..dont worry about it..

Ah, I wouldn't be worried about it per se. It's just a little depressing is all.

Church on Tuesday

Came across this video a while back and I think it's fairly relevant to the debate regarding social media and how we are, ironically, more lonely then ever before. Lots of other interesting takes contained as well. Well worth a watch:

[Deleted User]

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

What I find the darkest side of social media is practically everyone is going to huge lengths to ensure that their lives seem rich, full of friendships, happy and without a care in the world. Pictures of them hugging drinking buddies portray that this person is my best friend in the world and he/she knows all my darkest secrets but still accepts me 100% and anyone who isn't like me is weird and bad and needs to get to my point in life NOW.

I know that may not be the intent of the poster but nobody ever puts up a post saying they feel depressed or that they feel massive regrets about their life. Its all 100% positive all the time and the odd time people do post about mental health its usually jumping on the bandwagon about a #itsoktotalk campaign, and I see so many people who were/are absolutely horrible people and bullies putting up a cringey post about mental health, that does a lot of damage to people who are genuinely suffering. Social media can be a good thing but if you don't see beyond the sandy foundation of it i.e not everyone is perfect and what you see is only a fraction of a persons life, you can get sucked into comparing your life to everyone around you and left feeling wanting or like a loser.

Can anyone really say there are more than 4 or 5 people in all their FB friend list that actually CARE about them or what happens to them? More than 4 or 5 people you could call at 4am if you were stuck? FB and social media can be bad tools for people with few friends or introverts.

In the context of dating, social media has definitely given women unrealistic expectations of men, and of themselves. Dating apps like Tinder have brought out the worst part of hypergamy in women, where women have access to choose from all the guys in her city, and naturally shes going to choose the best she can get, these minority of guys in turn have seemingly endless access to women and can afford to act like assholes. I know a guy who bangs a new girl from Tinder every few days, your average Joe will struggle just to get any interaction leading to a date. I think that's the biggest difference here, from people who are giving dating advice based on pre social media era.