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How is a man supposed to find a woman in the 21st century

jimjangles

I've tried online dating sites and they're absolutely useless.
I'm not ugly but it would seem by my terrible lack of popularity that I don't have the looks for online dating.
Whatever they're looking for online it's not me.
Also I have no kind of a social life anymore.
Also I'm 37 and I'm a man.
So if online dating doesn't work and I have no social life and I live in the midlands seems things aren't really going to work out too good for me for finding someone ever.
I should probably just forget about it.

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Mister Vain

Deleted User wrote: »

My own experience has been that meeting someone is not a good target in life or a good path to try and follow - rather it is something that happens along the way when walking other paths.

That's a really nice way of putting it. If more people had that mindset they would be much better off.

[Deleted User]

jimjangles wrote: »

I don't attract anything lol.

There is often a reason for this that you do not see yourself.

I often hear people say they do not attract anyone online - or offline. In pubs or in speed dating and so on. And often they have no idea why.

So they start to buy into these things people always say that "women just want money" "women just want looks" "Women dont like the smell of beta" "irish women are prudes" "Women only want foreigners" and so on. Basically any slogan that blames the group the individual is failing to attract - rather than the individual blaming themselves - is fair game.

But for example I went speed dating with a such a guy - a guy that me and all my mates male and female thought was lovely - and us and he could simply not understand why he was not getting anywhere.

That is - until I saw him in action. His approach was - awful. Really awful. He just could not see it.

So I worked on him. Not like PUA stuff - which I hate - but still working on him and his approach and technique and style and more.

And we went from the first speed dating where he got _zero_ interest to the second speed dating we did together where he got more of the women in the group interested than not. So over 50%.

But as others have said - just work on yourself and get involved in all the things you can that you might get enjoyment or other personal benefit from. My own experience has been that meeting someone is not a good target in life or a good path to try and follow - rather it is something that happens along the way when walking other paths.

For me the girlfriends I met and live with now I met by getting involved in the Live music I like. Specifically I used to go to the websites of music I like to post on the forums there. I would post "meet ups" before gigs I was going to. And the fans would come for beers and to meet other fans. So I met loads of people that way - including the girls I am now with. And since I was essentially the organizer I was socially the centre of attention which is a good place to be to impress and meet people for relationships of any kind - friendships or romantic.

I did not do any of it to meet girls though. I did it because A) I wanted to meet people

I wanted to get actively involved in something and C) I wanted to do more with my love of live music. Meeting the girls I have spend the last 11 or so years with was just a bonus and unplanned and unforeseen and unintended bonus.

[Deleted User]

The_Brood wrote: »

The amount of sneering, mocking, gleeful dung people with good social lives are spewing down on those less fortunate here is remarkable. Everyone who is not like you is just an idiot who didnt think of joining a sports team or just talking to people - of course.

Has society ever been as toxic as this?

agreed to an extent

but you dont have any words left for the posters who feel entitled to a woman just cos? the ones spewing the damaging incel/mgtow/'game' rubbish?

plenty of good advice in the thread and little attention paid to it

Wibbs

The_Brood wrote: »

Has society ever been as toxic as this?

By most criteria society has never been more open and inclusive. I suppose what has changed is online social media has painted an often false idea of others and their lives and again online less sociable and lonely people are more visible. Even so such people have way more avenues of connection and engagement with the world and others like them.

CelticRambler

FTA69 wrote: »

Right, so us posting on boards right now is that a social activity? Can boards.ie be construed as socialising?

Yes.

No ifs, buts or maybe: you've already called me "mate" twice in the space of 24 hours, so there's proof that it is! :P

Conversing on a forum is as much "socialising" as two blokes in an office talking about "the match" and if you know the rules of medium, then it's just as likely that you'll have as meaningful a relationship with a boards.ie member as someone who works two desks down from you in the office.

Anyone who thinks online communications - in the context of gaming, WhatsApping, dating, or posting on forums - is in some way inferior to face-to-face conversation obviously doesn't really know how to use the medium. Maybe that's where us "old" folk have the advantage - back in our day, you had to sit down with a pen and write words on a piece of paper and trust in the postal service to deliver your message if you wanted to keep up a relationship at a distance, and d'y'know what? It worked.

The_Brood

The amount of sneering, mocking, gleeful dung people with good social lives are spewing down on those less fortunate here is remarkable. Everyone who is not like you is just an idiot who didnt think of joining a sports team or just talking to people - of course.

Has society ever been as toxic as this?

Richard Hillman

I don't know any women that play computer games. Unless you're counting Candy Crush.

[Deleted User]

As a middle aged married man I can't see how most young women would go for a guy who is a fanatic gamer, just as back in the day stamp collectors or computer nerds were never rolling in pussy. It was the sports guys or the edgy band member / borderline criminal types that was popular. Arguing otherwise shows a disconnect from reality.

Neames

Play hard to get. That's supposed to work a treat.

And apparently if you're a bad boy, you're quids in.

blueser

Go out to social events, see a pretty lady, go up and say hello. That's it, really. If you get turned down every time, there's a message in there for you fella. And you may just be destined to live your life as a hand milked man.

[Deleted User]

Greyfox wrote: »

The fact is women can get away with minimum effort. Women do get bombarded with idiots who have put no effort in or who just want a quick hook up. Online dating is now the best way for a guy to meet a girl but a guy has to stand out and prove he's not one of those guys. This means 4/5 pictures, decent bio and ask interesting questions and follow up with relevant questions that build rapport rather than generic how is your week going. Also guys need to reply soon and ask another question as if a guy waits 12 hours to reply she'll usually be gone

Look I have a better idea, why don't the single men get in a room, ram their heads together, and the last one standing gets the female

Greyfox

mdk_kdm wrote: »

Women on Tinder: "I won't respond if you just say Hi"
Women on Bumble: "Hey"

The fact is women can get away with minimum effort. Women do get bombarded with idiots who have put no effort in or who just want a quick hook up. Online dating is now the best way for a guy to meet a girl but a guy has to stand out and prove he's not one of those guys. This means 4/5 pictures, decent bio and ask interesting questions and follow up with relevant questions that build rapport rather than generic how is your week going. Also guys need to reply soon and ask another question as if a guy waits 12 hours to reply she'll usually be gone

FTA69

mdk_kdm wrote: »

Women on Tinder: "I won't respond if you just say Hi"
Women on Bumble: "Hey"

Haha that's a common one. I'd immediately put them on the spot with some silly question about their favourite chocolate bar and why or what was the last song they heard and what was the worst thing that happened them abroad or something.

If it's still one-word closed answer stuff then delete and move on. You'd melt your head otherwise. It should be a bit of a laugh rather than a slog.

ArchXStanton

mdk_kdm wrote: »

Women on Tinder: "I won't respond if you just say Hi"
Women on Bumble: "Hey"

Or if we match you message first...

They still like to be in the seat of doing the rejecting..

mdk_kdm

_blaaz wrote: »

Sex pest point aside....most of these are equally appliciple to women on dating sites iirc

Women on Tinder: "I won't respond if you just say Hi"
Women on Bumble: "Hey"

FTA69

Greyfox wrote: »

There is still the social aspect that your ignoring. Millions of people play online with there friends in real life, it's a great way to keep in contact with friends in another country. Also games like Mario karts are very popular at house parties. Theres nothing wrong with looking at a screen for a few hours, most people do it regularly. if gaming is a passion of yours at least your been honest and if a girl isint open to the hobby then a guy is better of meeting someone else. Playing all day every day is different, that would rightly put a woman off.

In fairness I did say that playing Tekken etc in the gaff back in the day (or whatever people be at) was sociable and there was nothing wrong with it in moderation. My concern is defining your leisure time by the playing of computer games and the idea that waffling to strangers is a social activity.

OMM 0000

suicide_circus wrote: »

"Cant handle me at my worst dont deserve me at my best" (sociopath)

"Curvy" (morbidly obese)

"Bubbly" (see Curvy)

"No filter" (mental patient)

"I don't need a man" (obsesses about men 24/7)

suicide_circus

"Cant handle me at my worst dont deserve me at my best" (sociopath)

"Curvy" (morbidly obese)

"Bubbly" (see Curvy)

"No filter" (mental patient)

Greyfox

FTA69 wrote: »

If your friends and partners are called "AK444447" and you're never met them then they're not your mates like. This is just basic obvious stuff from where I am.

I'm 31 as well by the way, none of my mates, male or female, are into that stuff.

As an example in my job there's 3 guys and 1 girl who work together and they play online together which is very social. Your in the minority there, almost every guy and many women in Ireland at least have friends that are gamers. It's a hugely popular passtime

suicide_circus

FTA69 wrote: »

That's the thing though mate, gaming isn't a social activity. It's often an anti-social activity because it involves people sitting at home gawping at a screen for hours. The lad who used live next door to me was mad into it, and he'd be at home shouting and roaring into a headset at complete strangers and pseudonyms; it was mental.

I mean back in the day people having a bash of Tekken or whatever in the gaff for a bit could be construed as social but now a lot of gaming is fellas retreating to a spare room for hours on end and shutting themselves off completely. It's mentally and physically unhealthy and not conducive to forming relationships in the real world.

Tekken? lol

Zorya

KikiLaRue wrote: »

“no MUAs”.

Make Up Artists? Is that what it means?

If so, why no MUAs?

Greyfox

FTA69 wrote: »

That's the thing though mate, gaming isn't a social activity. It's often an anti-social activity because it involves people sitting at home gawping at a screen for hours... It's mentally and physically unhealthy and not conducive to forming relationships in the real world.

There is still the social aspect that your ignoring. Millions of people play online with there friends in real life, it's a great way to keep in contact with friends in another country. Also games like Mario karts are very popular at house parties. Theres nothing wrong with looking at a screen for a few hours, most people do it regularly. if gaming is a passion of yours at least your been honest and if a girl isint open to the hobby then a guy is better of meeting someone else. Playing all day every day is different, that would rightly put a woman off.

Mister Vain

KikiLaRue wrote: »

Another huge red flag is anyone with an obvious chip on their shoulder.

There are plenty of them. Avoid profiles that say things like “no drama queens” “no stuck up bitches” “no MUAs”.

No Makeup artists?

FTA69

Right, so us posting on boards right now is that a social activity? Can boards.ie be construed as socialising?

Do you think if you went up to the average person and said "I'm really sociable, I talk to anonymous people while playing Call of Duty" that they'll take that seriously?

It really isn't mate, it's not real-world immersive physical encounters and interaction; it's escapism from reality. Like by all means do what you do, I post on boards.ie etc and if there was a Playstation in the gaff I might find myself having a go off it.

But I'm under no illusions that it constitutes my social life. If your friends and partners are called "AK444447" and you're never met them then they're not your mates like. This is just basic obvious stuff from where I am.

I'm 31 as well by the way, none of my mates, male or female, are into that stuff.

KikiLaRue

vargoo wrote: »

Rubbish.

If the sender of the grainy 1 pic, no bio, 1 word message is a sexy beast, your current penpal will be dropped without notice.

To much choice for women, no etiquette.

Another huge red flag is anyone with an obvious chip on their shoulder.

There are plenty of them. Avoid profiles that say things like “no drama queens” “no stuck up bitches” “no MUAs”.

CelticRambler

FTA69 wrote: »

That's the thing though mate, gaming isn't a social activity.

Ah FFS, what century are you living in? Gaming is a social activity. Just because you can't see someone's face doesn't mean you can't get to know them. There's a lot more of a relationship between AK4444447 and UncleSamsTheMan roaring at each other across the Atlantic while trying to chase some cyber-Russians through a virtual landscape than a bunch of drunken lads in a pub roaring at giant TV screen.

But now it's time for me to go and disturb the peace of the countryside with my two-stroke engines.

_blaaz

KikiLaRue wrote: »

Haven’t read the full thread but a few thoughts on the online dating situation.

I’m 30, I would really like to meet someone and yet I ignore about 80% of the messages I get on Tinder or PoF.

Here’s a few of the reasons why:

- No bio: If you couldn’t be arsed to write something it gives me the impression that you don’t have a lot to say for yourself/ are kind of boring. I put quite a lot of effort into making sure my profile, while brief, makes it easy to open a conversation with me. This isn’t anything deep and meaningful- I list a few of my hobbies and my favourite books/films/TV shows.

- Message says “hi”: Like I said I’ve put a certain amount of effort in, I expect you to do the same. You wouldn’t walk up to a woman in a bar, say “hi”
and then just stare blankly at them so don’t do it online. The messages I’m most likely to respond to will say “Hi, I’m James. How’s your weekend going? I like *that film* too. You have a great smile.” Any non-sexual compliment is nice.

- Being a sex pest: I can’t explain how many gross, perverted messages I get over the course of a week on PoF in particular. Men sending an opening message about their foot fetish, how horny they are etc and trying to pester me for sex. I’m an average looking girl, I can’t imagine how bad it is for really attractive women.

Early indications that a guy is a sex pest - asking “so what are you looking for here?” even though you’ve clearly ticked the “relationship” box on your profile and asking if you’re on Snapchat (dick pics coming your way in 5, 4, 3...)

- Crap/ misleading pics: It’s 2019, if all you’ve got on your profile is one bathroom selfie, I’m immediately unimpressed. On my profile I’ve put pics where I’m dressed up and made up for going out and pics where I’ve got no makeup on and I’m
wearing a hoodie and walking my dog, because that’s what I look like most days. I’m about a size 14 and I don’t want to lead anyone on so I’ve got selfies/ headshots as well as full length shots so lads have a good idea of what they’re getting. Most of my pics are on my own but a couple are with friends to illustrate that I have some and have a social life!

When I see a profile with only one or two pics, grainy pics, zoomed out pics, action pics where you can’t see their face (e.g. on a motorbike with a helmet on) it’s a red flag.

Despite all this, I haven’t had MASSIVE success with online dating, I’m no expert- but just wanted to give you a female perspective on why you might not be getting replies.

Sex pest point aside....most of these are equally appliciple to women on dating sites iirc

[Deleted User]

KikiLaRue wrote: »

Haven’t read the full thread but a few thoughts on the online dating situation.

I’m 30, I would really like to meet someone and yet I ignore about 80% of the messages I get on Tinder or PoF.

Here’s a few of the reasons why:

- No bio: If you couldn’t be arsed to write something it gives me the impression that you don’t have a lot to say for yourself/ are kind of boring. I put quite a lot of effort into making sure my profile, while brief, makes it easy to open a conversation with me. This isn’t anything deep and meaningful- I list a few of my hobbies and my favourite books/films/TV shows.

- Message says “hi”: Like I said I’ve put a certain amount of effort in, I expect you to do the same. You wouldn’t walk up to a woman in a bar, say “hi”
and then just stare blankly at them so don’t do it online. The messages I’m most likely to respond to will say “Hi, I’m James. How’s your weekend going? I like *that film* too. You have a great smile.” Any non-sexual compliment is nice.

- Being a sex pest: I can’t explain how many gross, perverted messages I get over the course of a week on PoF in particular. Men sending an opening message about their foot fetish, how horny they are etc and trying to pester me for sex. I’m an average looking girl, I can’t imagine how bad it is for really attractive women.

Early indications that a guy is a sex pest - asking “so what are you looking for here?” even though you’ve clearly ticked the “relationship” box on your profile and asking if you’re on Snapchat (dick pics coming your way in 5, 4, 3...)

- Crap/ misleading pics: It’s 2019, if all you’ve got on your profile is one bathroom selfie, I’m immediately unimpressed. On my profile I’ve put pics where I’m dressed up and made up for going out and pics where I’ve got no makeup on and I’m
wearing a hoodie and walking my dog, because that’s what I look like most days. I’m about a size 14 and I don’t want to lead anyone on so I’ve got selfies/ headshots as well as full length shots so lads have a good idea of what they’re getting. Most of my pics are on my own but a couple are with friends to illustrate that I have some and have a social life!

When I see a profile with only one or two pics, grainy pics, zoomed out pics, action pics where you can’t see their face (e.g. on a motorbike with a helmet on) it’s a red flag.

Despite all this, I haven’t had MASSIVE success with online dating, I’m no expert- but just wanted to give you a female perspective on why you might not be getting replies.

Excellent post , nail on the head !
A lot of guys also put no effort whatsoever into their profile pics.

I’m in an older age group but I see a lot of beer bellies, holding pints in every photo, wearing dirty t shirts, string vests, big red faces right up to the camera or so far away it’s a dot on the horizon. Photos of them draped around other women or in the middle of a group of guys and you’re supposed to know which one they are ?

None of us are super confident about the way we look but at least put some effort into photos, and I’m not talking filters and photoshopping. Why would women find the above attractive........ and those same men complain they can’t get dates ? :rolleyes:

ILoveYourVibes

Go out and talk to real life people.

FTA69

CelticRambler wrote: »

You're at it again - trying to persuade the OP (or anyone else in a similar situation) to be something they're not. You've already described what you find attractive: someone who likes going to the pub and has an interest in sports. Which is fine, if that's what you like, but that's a near-perfect description of my nightmare date.

I'd much sooner send a message to a woman who listed "gaming" amongst her interests than "going to the gym", and if I saw that she lived way out in the sticks, I'd probably think that that was a perfectly reasonable social activity (and be a bit jealous of her broadband speed).

That's the thing though mate, gaming isn't a social activity. It's often an anti-social activity because it involves people sitting at home gawping at a screen for hours. The lad who used live next door to me was mad into it, and he'd be at home shouting and roaring into a headset at complete strangers and pseudonyms; it was mental.

I mean back in the day people having a bash of Tekken or whatever in the gaff for a bit could be construed as social but now a lot of gaming is fellas retreating to a spare room for hours on end and shutting themselves off completely. It's mentally and physically unhealthy and not conducive to forming relationships in the real world.