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How is a man supposed to find a woman in the 21st century

jimjangles

I've tried online dating sites and they're absolutely useless.
I'm not ugly but it would seem by my terrible lack of popularity that I don't have the looks for online dating.
Whatever they're looking for online it's not me.
Also I have no kind of a social life anymore.
Also I'm 37 and I'm a man.
So if online dating doesn't work and I have no social life and I live in the midlands seems things aren't really going to work out too good for me for finding someone ever.
I should probably just forget about it.

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Rikand

@op

Do you have any female friends or family members who could set you up with one of their friends ?

Women talk.

My sister introduced me to the women who is now my wife. My wife and my sister were friends and my wife said to my sister : I just want to meet a nice guy who's taller than me (or something to that effect). And my sister said, I have a brother..... And she rang me to come meet them.

I'm on the average scale in the looks department but the wife is a stunner and we just hit it off straight away.

If you have a sister or female cousin, see if she'll keep an eye out for you ? If not, talk to your female friends or work colleagues. Someone is going to know someone who's looking for a guy just like you

-edit- I'm also a hardcore gamer, PC games mostly. The missus is not. She tried it and it wasn't for her. Though she'd still play the Wii Sports or Wii Play if we stuck it on

the night I got the call from sister I was playing CS and reluctant to leave my room but I was feckin glad I did in the end lol

Wibbs

I dunno R, I would bet the farm stating you're a gamer will reduce the potential pool. Depends on how it's framed too I suppose. EG I do a bit of flyfishing and I might mention that, but I wouldn't say I'm a fisherman, if you know what I mean? One suggests a hobby, the other suggests she might never see me when the fishing season is on. Listing playing games among other pursuits grand, describing oneself as a gamer, not so much.

vargoo

John DoeReMi wrote: »

Meetup.com Best site ever. Loads of meetups going on all over the country. You might have to travel a bit to find one near you but if you put the effort in you can't fail. Worked for me and plenty of other guys I know.

I set it to 70 km one night and only 1 event on it and only person going was organiser.

More city/built up areas thing.

Church on Tuesday

Wibbs wrote: »

I dunno R, I would bet the farm stating you're a gamer will reduce the potential pool. Depends on how it's framed too I suppose. EG I do a bit of flyfishing and I might mention that, but I wouldn't say I'm a fisherman, if you know what I mean? One suggests a hobby, the other suggests she might never see me when the fishing season is on. Listing playing games among other pursuits grand, describing oneself as a gamer, not so much.

The woman I was chatting to that I mentioned way back described herself as a Gamer in her personality whatever section.

Believe me I was all kinds of interested and I don't even game or have any real interest in it.

Honestly I think there's way too much stereotyping going on here regarding people who play games.

ToddyDoody

Surely if op lowered his standards enough...

kowloon

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

Honestly I think there's way too much stereotyping going on here regarding people who play games.

It's a generational thing in a lot of cases. When this site was a Quake forum games were pretty much a lads only club. These days people meet their partners in World of Warcraft and the likes.

eurozonelady

Like others have said join clubs, but to enjoy your hobbies and try a few new things that might be on your bucket list. Try to enjoy the freedom of being single and get to know yourself more and the people around you. Definitely don´t do everything with an aura of hunting out a mate about yourself.

Do risk humiliation and rejection. It´s better to know than wonder, don´t let anybody string you along and don´t be anybody´s maybe or option. That said be sure to walk away if your love interest is being half-arsed.

Love and etc may be one goal, keep it on the back burner and pursue all the other goals in the meantime. It will happen when it happens. Good luck!

Zorya

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

The woman I was chatting to that I mentioned way back described herself as a Gamer in her personality whatever section.

Believe me I was all kinds of interested and I don't even game or have any real interest in it.

Honestly I think there's way too much stereotyping going on here regarding people who play games.

The gaming thing is an odd one, for sure it is a generational thing, and attitudes are changing. I would find gaming beyond boring, but can understand the attraction to it as I have an addictive streak myself. And I think it is with respect to addiction that gaming raises questions. From what my husband's workmates tell him a good few of them would stay up into the very late hours gaming and be tired next morning for work, plus they would spend whole weekends immersed in games. They are normal chaps, nice guys, but they definitely have an addiction.

I saw something of the addictive nature of it first hand recently when I went to visit a young couple who have a very small baby. This baby is one of the cutest babies I have ever met - you'd want to be cuddling it all day! - and yet he was set up in a high chair angled so he could see his father, who was sitting - rooted! - in a big armchair, with the curtains drawn at midday, playing with a device in his hand that was attached to a huge screen. From the set up, food and drink close by on table, the angles of furniture etc., it was obvious this was his thing. His preoccupation. The babies interaction with Daddy was to laugh and coo about Daddy's facial reactions and body movements and occasional words directed to the game. There was something very poignant about the scene. Babyhood lasts so short a time and this is what this young father was letting distract him.
The same could be said for drink, drugs, porn. Over a certain amount it fecks with your life, and gaming is addictive.

Having said that we all tolerate a certain amount of darkness in our loved ones. We choose our poison, so to speak. Himself has certain behaviours that I know most would not tolerate but I find it balanced by other more important goodness, and he has to tolerate levels of oddness in me that I cannot imagine anyone else entertaining. Shrugs. Maybe younger guys and gals tolerate gaming addiction better than I would?

suicide_circus

the term "Gamer" dosnt conjure up an image of an emotionally mature person who has their sh1t together. Obviously this is a generalisation but thats how generalisations work - obviously there are gamers who are not obsessed, have other interests, are not on the specteum and are not locked into a virtual world to escape real life....but there are an awful lot who are.

FTA69

Jesus Christ this thread is hard reading. Women are “money grabbing wh*res”, “there’s no good women left”, “a woman will simply marry you and take half of your stuff”, “women can’t hold a conversation” etc etc etc.

Mother of God is it any wonder that women don’t want anything to do with these sort of fellas? There’s some people on this thread just give off a hum of seething resentment and dislike of women in general, why the f*ck would anyone be attracted to that?

Women aren’t these malicious creatures out to do over ‘decent guys’ (many of the people commenting here sound far from decent) like. Honestly, if you’re that much of an angry bitter loser you’re better off being single.

Also MGTOW? Avoid getting sucked down that rabbit hole, absolutely mental carry on.

FTA69

As for gaming? If you have to ask what’s the difference between being in the pub with friends and others and playing Call of Duty at home waffling to pseudonyms online then you’ve already lost the plot.

Playing some computer games is alright. Calling yourself a “gamer” and sitting on your hole for hours at a time zombified isn’t going to be appealing to anyone. It’s a bad habit. A relative of mine spends ages glued to the PC, eyes glazed over. It’s a bit sad to be honest and there’s a lot of addiction being dressed up as a hobby.

Atoms for Peace

Gaming is an alternative to watching TV for me, it would be odd to describe yourself as a tv viewer or gamer as it doesn't have good conitations.

OMM 0000

suicide_circus wrote: »

the term "Gamer" dosnt conjure up an image of an emotionally mature person who has their sh1t together. Obviously this is a generalisation but thats how generalisations work - obviously there are gamers who are not obsessed, have other interests, are not on the specteum and are not locked into a virtual world to escape real life....but there are an awful lot who are.

Some people don't want to accept what you've said, but you're correct.

Visualise a guy who plays squash.

Visualise a gamer.

I don't know about you but the squash guy appears more attractive in my mind.

Galwayguy35

ToddyDoody wrote: »

Surely if op lowered his standards enough...

Don't think that is the answer either, no point being with someone you aren't attracted to or have nothing in common with.

KikiLaRue

Haven’t read the full thread but a few thoughts on the online dating situation.

I’m 30, I would really like to meet someone and yet I ignore about 80% of the messages I get on Tinder or PoF.

Here’s a few of the reasons why:

- No bio: If you couldn’t be arsed to write something it gives me the impression that you don’t have a lot to say for yourself/ are kind of boring. I put quite a lot of effort into making sure my profile, while brief, makes it easy to open a conversation with me. This isn’t anything deep and meaningful- I list a few of my hobbies and my favourite books/films/TV shows.

- Message says “hi”: Like I said I’ve put a certain amount of effort in, I expect you to do the same. You wouldn’t walk up to a woman in a bar, say “hi”
and then just stare blankly at them so don’t do it online. The messages I’m most likely to respond to will say “Hi, I’m James. How’s your weekend going? I like *that film* too. You have a great smile.” Any non-sexual compliment is nice.

- Being a sex pest: I can’t explain how many gross, perverted messages I get over the course of a week on PoF in particular. Men sending an opening message about their foot fetish, how horny they are etc and trying to pester me for sex. I’m an average looking girl, I can’t imagine how bad it is for really attractive women.

Early indications that a guy is a sex pest - asking “so what are you looking for here?” even though you’ve clearly ticked the “relationship” box on your profile and asking if you’re on Snapchat (dick pics coming your way in 5, 4, 3...)

- Crap/ misleading pics: It’s 2019, if all you’ve got on your profile is one bathroom selfie, I’m immediately unimpressed. On my profile I’ve put pics where I’m dressed up and made up for going out and pics where I’ve got no makeup on and I’m
wearing a hoodie and walking my dog, because that’s what I look like most days. I’m about a size 14 and I don’t want to lead anyone on so I’ve got selfies/ headshots as well as full length shots so lads have a good idea of what they’re getting. Most of my pics are on my own but a couple are with friends to illustrate that I have some and have a social life!

When I see a profile with only one or two pics, grainy pics, zoomed out pics, action pics where you can’t see their face (e.g. on a motorbike with a helmet on) it’s a red flag.

Despite all this, I haven’t had MASSIVE success with online dating, I’m no expert- but just wanted to give you a female perspective on why you might not be getting replies.

vargoo

KikiLaRue wrote: »

Haven’t read the full thread but a few thoughts on the online dating situation.

I’m 30, I would really like to meet someone and yet I ignore about 80% of the messages I get on Tinder or PoF.

Here’s a few of the reasons why:

- No bio: If you couldn’t be arsed to write something it gives me the impression that you don’t have a lot to say for yourself/ are kind of boring. I put quite a lot of effort into making sure my profile, while brief, makes it easy to open a conversation with me. This isn’t anything deep and meaningful- I list a few of my hobbies and my favourite books/films/TV shows.

- Message says “hi”: Like I said I’ve put a certain amount of effort in, I expect you to do the same. You wouldn’t walk up to a woman in a bar, say “hi”
and then just stare blankly at them so don’t do it online. The messages I’m most likely to respond to will say “Hi, I’m James. How’s your weekend going? I like *that film* too. You have a great smile.” Any non-sexual compliment is nice.

- Being a sex pest: I can’t explain how many gross, perverted messages I get over the course of a week on PoF in particular. Men sending an opening message about their foot fetish, how horny they are etc and trying to pester me for sex. I’m an average looking girl, I can’t imagine how bad it is for really attractive women.

Early indications that a guy is a sex pest - asking “so what are you looking for here?” even though you’ve clearly ticked the “relationship” box on your profile and asking if you’re on Snapchat (dick pics coming your way in 5, 4, 3...)

- Crap/ misleading pics: It’s 2019, if all you’ve got on your profile is one bathroom selfie, I’m immediately unimpressed. On my profile I’ve put pics where I’m dressed up and made up for going out and pics where I’ve got no makeup on and I’m
wearing a hoodie and walking my dog, because that’s what I look like most days. I’m about a size 14 and I don’t want to lead anyone on so I’ve got selfies/ headshots as well as full length shots so lads have a good idea of what they’re getting. Most of my pics are on my own but a couple are with friends to illustrate that I have some and have a social life!

When I see a profile with only one or two pics, grainy pics, zoomed out pics, action pics where you can’t see their face (e.g. on a motorbike with a helmet on) it’s a red flag.

Despite all this, I haven’t had MASSIVE success with online dating, I’m no expert- but just wanted to give you a female perspective on why you might not be getting replies.

Rubbish.

If the sender of the grainy 1 pic, no bio, 1 word message is a sexy beast, your current penpal will be dropped without notice.

To much choice for women, no etiquette.

FTA69

vargoo wrote: »

Rubbish.

If the sender of the grainy 1 pic, no bio, 1 word message is a sexy beast, your current penpal will be dropped without notice.

To much choice for women, no etiquette.

Love the way the poster above has given a detailed and honest account of her online dating experience and you've just decided to rubbish her as an insincere eejit despite not knowing her at all.

Besides, and this can be hard to deal with, you're not owed the affections of anyone.

I think aspects of dating apps can be very dehumanising and flaky and emotionally draining. I've also met a good few women on them recently and had a grand time of it. Swings and roundabouts.

CelticRambler

OMM 0000 wrote: »

Some people don't want to accept what you've said, but you're correct.

Visualise a guy who plays squash.

Visualise a gamer.

I don't know about you but the squash guy appears more attractive in my mind.

You're at it again - trying to persuade the OP (or anyone else in a similar situation) to be something they're not. You've already described what you find attractive: someone who likes going to the pub and has an interest in sports. Which is fine, if that's what you like, but that's a near-perfect description of my nightmare date.

I'd much sooner send a message to a woman who listed "gaming" amongst her interests than "going to the gym", and if I saw that she lived way out in the sticks, I'd probably think that that was a perfectly reasonable social activity (and be a bit jealous of her broadband speed).

FTA69

CelticRambler wrote: »

You're at it again - trying to persuade the OP (or anyone else in a similar situation) to be something they're not. You've already described what you find attractive: someone who likes going to the pub and has an interest in sports. Which is fine, if that's what you like, but that's a near-perfect description of my nightmare date.

I'd much sooner send a message to a woman who listed "gaming" amongst her interests than "going to the gym", and if I saw that she lived way out in the sticks, I'd probably think that that was a perfectly reasonable social activity (and be a bit jealous of her broadband speed).

That's the thing though mate, gaming isn't a social activity. It's often an anti-social activity because it involves people sitting at home gawping at a screen for hours. The lad who used live next door to me was mad into it, and he'd be at home shouting and roaring into a headset at complete strangers and pseudonyms; it was mental.

I mean back in the day people having a bash of Tekken or whatever in the gaff for a bit could be construed as social but now a lot of gaming is fellas retreating to a spare room for hours on end and shutting themselves off completely. It's mentally and physically unhealthy and not conducive to forming relationships in the real world.

ILoveYourVibes

Go out and talk to real life people.

[Deleted User]

KikiLaRue wrote: »

Haven’t read the full thread but a few thoughts on the online dating situation.

I’m 30, I would really like to meet someone and yet I ignore about 80% of the messages I get on Tinder or PoF.

Here’s a few of the reasons why:

- No bio: If you couldn’t be arsed to write something it gives me the impression that you don’t have a lot to say for yourself/ are kind of boring. I put quite a lot of effort into making sure my profile, while brief, makes it easy to open a conversation with me. This isn’t anything deep and meaningful- I list a few of my hobbies and my favourite books/films/TV shows.

- Message says “hi”: Like I said I’ve put a certain amount of effort in, I expect you to do the same. You wouldn’t walk up to a woman in a bar, say “hi”
and then just stare blankly at them so don’t do it online. The messages I’m most likely to respond to will say “Hi, I’m James. How’s your weekend going? I like *that film* too. You have a great smile.” Any non-sexual compliment is nice.

- Being a sex pest: I can’t explain how many gross, perverted messages I get over the course of a week on PoF in particular. Men sending an opening message about their foot fetish, how horny they are etc and trying to pester me for sex. I’m an average looking girl, I can’t imagine how bad it is for really attractive women.

Early indications that a guy is a sex pest - asking “so what are you looking for here?” even though you’ve clearly ticked the “relationship” box on your profile and asking if you’re on Snapchat (dick pics coming your way in 5, 4, 3...)

- Crap/ misleading pics: It’s 2019, if all you’ve got on your profile is one bathroom selfie, I’m immediately unimpressed. On my profile I’ve put pics where I’m dressed up and made up for going out and pics where I’ve got no makeup on and I’m
wearing a hoodie and walking my dog, because that’s what I look like most days. I’m about a size 14 and I don’t want to lead anyone on so I’ve got selfies/ headshots as well as full length shots so lads have a good idea of what they’re getting. Most of my pics are on my own but a couple are with friends to illustrate that I have some and have a social life!

When I see a profile with only one or two pics, grainy pics, zoomed out pics, action pics where you can’t see their face (e.g. on a motorbike with a helmet on) it’s a red flag.

Despite all this, I haven’t had MASSIVE success with online dating, I’m no expert- but just wanted to give you a female perspective on why you might not be getting replies.

Excellent post , nail on the head !
A lot of guys also put no effort whatsoever into their profile pics.

I’m in an older age group but I see a lot of beer bellies, holding pints in every photo, wearing dirty t shirts, string vests, big red faces right up to the camera or so far away it’s a dot on the horizon. Photos of them draped around other women or in the middle of a group of guys and you’re supposed to know which one they are ?

None of us are super confident about the way we look but at least put some effort into photos, and I’m not talking filters and photoshopping. Why would women find the above attractive........ and those same men complain they can’t get dates ? :rolleyes:

_blaaz

KikiLaRue wrote: »

Haven’t read the full thread but a few thoughts on the online dating situation.

I’m 30, I would really like to meet someone and yet I ignore about 80% of the messages I get on Tinder or PoF.

Here’s a few of the reasons why:

- No bio: If you couldn’t be arsed to write something it gives me the impression that you don’t have a lot to say for yourself/ are kind of boring. I put quite a lot of effort into making sure my profile, while brief, makes it easy to open a conversation with me. This isn’t anything deep and meaningful- I list a few of my hobbies and my favourite books/films/TV shows.

- Message says “hi”: Like I said I’ve put a certain amount of effort in, I expect you to do the same. You wouldn’t walk up to a woman in a bar, say “hi”
and then just stare blankly at them so don’t do it online. The messages I’m most likely to respond to will say “Hi, I’m James. How’s your weekend going? I like *that film* too. You have a great smile.” Any non-sexual compliment is nice.

- Being a sex pest: I can’t explain how many gross, perverted messages I get over the course of a week on PoF in particular. Men sending an opening message about their foot fetish, how horny they are etc and trying to pester me for sex. I’m an average looking girl, I can’t imagine how bad it is for really attractive women.

Early indications that a guy is a sex pest - asking “so what are you looking for here?” even though you’ve clearly ticked the “relationship” box on your profile and asking if you’re on Snapchat (dick pics coming your way in 5, 4, 3...)

- Crap/ misleading pics: It’s 2019, if all you’ve got on your profile is one bathroom selfie, I’m immediately unimpressed. On my profile I’ve put pics where I’m dressed up and made up for going out and pics where I’ve got no makeup on and I’m
wearing a hoodie and walking my dog, because that’s what I look like most days. I’m about a size 14 and I don’t want to lead anyone on so I’ve got selfies/ headshots as well as full length shots so lads have a good idea of what they’re getting. Most of my pics are on my own but a couple are with friends to illustrate that I have some and have a social life!

When I see a profile with only one or two pics, grainy pics, zoomed out pics, action pics where you can’t see their face (e.g. on a motorbike with a helmet on) it’s a red flag.

Despite all this, I haven’t had MASSIVE success with online dating, I’m no expert- but just wanted to give you a female perspective on why you might not be getting replies.

Sex pest point aside....most of these are equally appliciple to women on dating sites iirc

CelticRambler

FTA69 wrote: »

That's the thing though mate, gaming isn't a social activity.

Ah FFS, what century are you living in? Gaming is a social activity. Just because you can't see someone's face doesn't mean you can't get to know them. There's a lot more of a relationship between AK4444447 and UncleSamsTheMan roaring at each other across the Atlantic while trying to chase some cyber-Russians through a virtual landscape than a bunch of drunken lads in a pub roaring at giant TV screen.

But now it's time for me to go and disturb the peace of the countryside with my two-stroke engines.

KikiLaRue

vargoo wrote: »

Rubbish.

If the sender of the grainy 1 pic, no bio, 1 word message is a sexy beast, your current penpal will be dropped without notice.

To much choice for women, no etiquette.

Another huge red flag is anyone with an obvious chip on their shoulder.

There are plenty of them. Avoid profiles that say things like “no drama queens” “no stuck up bitches” “no MUAs”.

FTA69

Right, so us posting on boards right now is that a social activity? Can boards.ie be construed as socialising?

Do you think if you went up to the average person and said "I'm really sociable, I talk to anonymous people while playing Call of Duty" that they'll take that seriously?

It really isn't mate, it's not real-world immersive physical encounters and interaction; it's escapism from reality. Like by all means do what you do, I post on boards.ie etc and if there was a Playstation in the gaff I might find myself having a go off it.

But I'm under no illusions that it constitutes my social life. If your friends and partners are called "AK444447" and you're never met them then they're not your mates like. This is just basic obvious stuff from where I am.

I'm 31 as well by the way, none of my mates, male or female, are into that stuff.

Mister Vain

KikiLaRue wrote: »

Another huge red flag is anyone with an obvious chip on their shoulder.

There are plenty of them. Avoid profiles that say things like “no drama queens” “no stuck up bitches” “no MUAs”.

No Makeup artists?

Greyfox

FTA69 wrote: »

That's the thing though mate, gaming isn't a social activity. It's often an anti-social activity because it involves people sitting at home gawping at a screen for hours... It's mentally and physically unhealthy and not conducive to forming relationships in the real world.

There is still the social aspect that your ignoring. Millions of people play online with there friends in real life, it's a great way to keep in contact with friends in another country. Also games like Mario karts are very popular at house parties. Theres nothing wrong with looking at a screen for a few hours, most people do it regularly. if gaming is a passion of yours at least your been honest and if a girl isint open to the hobby then a guy is better of meeting someone else. Playing all day every day is different, that would rightly put a woman off.

Zorya

KikiLaRue wrote: »

“no MUAs”.

Make Up Artists? Is that what it means?

If so, why no MUAs?

suicide_circus

FTA69 wrote: »

That's the thing though mate, gaming isn't a social activity. It's often an anti-social activity because it involves people sitting at home gawping at a screen for hours. The lad who used live next door to me was mad into it, and he'd be at home shouting and roaring into a headset at complete strangers and pseudonyms; it was mental.

I mean back in the day people having a bash of Tekken or whatever in the gaff for a bit could be construed as social but now a lot of gaming is fellas retreating to a spare room for hours on end and shutting themselves off completely. It's mentally and physically unhealthy and not conducive to forming relationships in the real world.

Tekken? lol

Greyfox

FTA69 wrote: »

If your friends and partners are called "AK444447" and you're never met them then they're not your mates like. This is just basic obvious stuff from where I am.

I'm 31 as well by the way, none of my mates, male or female, are into that stuff.

As an example in my job there's 3 guys and 1 girl who work together and they play online together which is very social. Your in the minority there, almost every guy and many women in Ireland at least have friends that are gamers. It's a hugely popular passtime