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How is a man supposed to find a woman in the 21st century

jimjangles

I've tried online dating sites and they're absolutely useless.
I'm not ugly but it would seem by my terrible lack of popularity that I don't have the looks for online dating.
Whatever they're looking for online it's not me.
Also I have no kind of a social life anymore.
Also I'm 37 and I'm a man.
So if online dating doesn't work and I have no social life and I live in the midlands seems things aren't really going to work out too good for me for finding someone ever.
I should probably just forget about it.

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[Deleted User]

ToddyDoody wrote: »

No class but hey.

If you believe half that crap, yes you've no class.

ToddyDoody

DubInMeath wrote: »

If you believe half that crap, yes you've no class.

To be honest I was only humouring you with that comment. Now I regret doing that.

Australia > Ireland.

[Deleted User]

ToddyDoody wrote: »

To be honest I was only humouring you with that comment. Now I regret doing that.

Australia > Ireland.

If you really believe relationships between men and women are based on the extracts you provided, think very carefully about who you end up with, because in my opinion it wouldn't end well.

ToddyDoody

DubInMeath wrote: »

If you really believe relationships between men and women are based on the extracts you provided, think very carefully about who you end up with, because in my opinion it wouldn't end well.

'Believe'?

It's food for thought.

Wibbs

DubInMeath wrote: »

If you believe half that crap, yes you've no class.

Actually D it can easily be argued that at the base level all relationships are transactional in nature, but that is needlessly reductive and not a little bit "online autistic", which unfortunately tends to be the Answer™ too many, particularly men fall for if they're not in the loop of normal romantic relationships. This in turn gets fostered by other men again online which bolsters the notion, which in turn becomes a self selecting and self fulfilling prophecy. This is really not helped by online dating which does tend to reflect this notion. Unless you're in the smaller percentage of men who do well on such platforms. Ditto for women BTW. Yes women, even plain women will get more attention online, but they have to deal with the other side of the coin, which is unwanted attention and trying to sift through the dick pics and muppets and just want a shag of those men they're getting attention from.

For the OP, Id say dump the online shite. If you were one of the smaller percentage of blokes that it works for you wouldn't be here. As others have said, build a life for yourself, one that is inclusive of other people, men and women. The wider your social circle the wider your options and the better your life in general.

Church on Tuesday

Greyfox wrote: »

Online dating is the best way to meet a woman these days, you've just got to put in the time, I find tinder really good once you can show that you can hold a proper conversation and that your not just looking for a hook up. Meetup is good but there's too many women who are just looking to make friends

Only any good if you're in Dublin I found.

vargoo

Yale’s beloved happiness class is now on the internet for free

https://qz.com/work/1248972/yales-beloved-happiness-class-is-now-on-the-internet-for-free/

Do it.^

Make the 100 things list and genuinely make changes, do things that get you closer to achieving the things on your list. Probably will take years.

https://www.cnbc.com/2019/05/22/the-japanese-secret-to-a-longer-and-happier-life-is-gaining-attention-from-millions.html?utm_source=pocket-newtab

vargoo

Go to sleep, parkrun isint far away.

Purple Mountain

jimjangles wrote: »

No I'm not a farmer lol.
It's complicated I'd rather not go into it.

So you live in the annexe while the ex has the main house.

Tell me how

jimjangles wrote: »

I did that whole thing where I'd ask a question bringing up something that was in their profile but that's useless anyway.
They never reply to that.
I don't think women read profiles anymore on dating sites.
I don't really think they care.
I've tried and failed at online dating anyway.
There are too many single geezers everywhere and not enough women so it is impossible if you go out anywhere either.
POF is full of fake spam meet me rubbish.
I'm going to leave it
Badoo and tinder are useless shallow bs.
The whole online so called dating scene is useless completely shallow bs.
Yes I know they're free but why would I pay to be rejected when I can be rejected for free.
I'm not into dancing, I'm not into sport and am too old to be accepted as sports are only for teens anyway.
I don't like gyms.
I hate to say it but I've given up.
I'm all out of options.
I'm going to just play video games and forget about women for the rest of my life.
There just aren't any decent women out there anymore.

OP, this screams lack of self confidence or activity in bettering yourself, for the sake of yourself, and then, you end it with there are no decent women out there anymore. :eek:

Let's say you have given up, would you not want to live the best life you can even if not in a relationship.

You asked in the OP how is a man supposed to find a woman. I don't think anyone would disagree with step 1 being he must like himself. Work on that.

dingledosser

jimjangles wrote: »

POF is full of fake spam meet me rubbish.

I met my wife on POF.

Nikki Sixx

jimjangles wrote: »

I've tried online dating sites and they're absolutely useless.
I'm not ugly but it would seem by my terrible lack of popularity that I don't have the looks for online dating.
Whatever they're looking for online it's not me.
Also I have no kind of a social life anymore.
Also I'm 37 and I'm a man.
So if online dating doesn't work and I have no social life and I live in the midlands seems things aren't really going to work out too good for me for finding someone ever.
I should probably just forget about it.

You seem to be in a very negative place/ frame of mind. It’s easy to blame all women for being cnuts, I’ve done that myself before. But really the buck stops at you. You have to change your mindset and get back on the horse.

B.A._Baracus

seamus wrote: »

I've never used online dating, but from seeing conversations on reddit and such about it, it seems like one of the main issues is the conversation opener.

Bollocks
If you haven't tried something yourself then you're hardly in a position to say what's wrong.
That would be no different if I, your average Joe blow start talking about what's wrong with the current generation of Olympic athletes or some sh*ite. Or what do I know?

[Deleted User]

Wibbs wrote: »

Actually D it can easily be argued that at the base level all relationships are transactional in nature, but that is needlessly reductive and not a little bit "online autistic", which unfortunately tends to be the Answer™ too many, particularly men fall for if they're not in the loop of normal romantic relationships. This in turn gets fostered by other men again online which bolsters the notion, which in turn becomes a self selecting and self fulfilling prophecy. This is really not helped by online dating which does tend to reflect this notion. Unless you're in the smaller percentage of men who do well on such platforms. Ditto for women BTW. Yes women, even plain women will get more attention online, but they have to deal with the other side of the coin, which is unwanted attention and trying to sift through the dick pics and muppets and just want a shag of those men they're getting attention from.

For the OP, Id say dump the online shite. If you were one of the smaller percentage of blokes that it works for you wouldn't be here. As others have said, build a life for yourself, one that is inclusive of other people, men and women. The wider your social circle the wider your options and the better your life in general.

The transactional nature would be emotional give and take at least in my opinion Wibbs, and from looking at any successful relationship I have seen in my life.

The extracts and a quick skim of a chapter or two of the book online reduces men to someone just wanting a good looking replacement for their ma and women to someone just looking for a talking wallet. No relationship based on those dynamics is going to survive a normal life. You don't have to live in each other's pockets but you should at least like the person your with.

Regarding online dating, and your description of it. It sounds like the last half an hour before closing time in a nightclub :pac:

ToddyDoody

I don't think this helps the op or anyone, though maybe it does in a way, but all my attractions (and very intense many have been) have been to hooks of an under developed feminine side. When the underdeveloped in you is not developed consciously, it happens outside as a fate / compulsion.

Then the hooks begin to loosen and reality is seen more clearly. The test of relationship begins.

Its deep, not for show.

Das Reich

chuchuchu wrote: »

OP save yourself some time and money, and go MGTOW! :pac:

MGTOW is created to reduce the population, how those men are going to reproduce and keep their family alive?

kowloon

Panthro wrote: »

Climb the highest mountain and then join tinder.

Have you not seen the news recently? Terrible idea.

Tilikum17

I was single for years (but I loved being single)

An auld wan in work always said to me there’s a lid for every saucepan.

I was 36 went I met her in work. She was 26. Now we’re married.

You’ll met someone when you least expect it.

ToddyDoody

Tilikum17 wrote: »

An auld wan in work always said to me there’s a lid for every saucepan.

I was being criticised above for being crass / unromantic.

Austria!

Tilikum17 wrote: »

You’ll met someone when you least expect it.

Yes, but only if you be yourself.

[Deleted User]

Das Reich wrote: »

MGTOW is created to reduce the population, how those men are going to reproduce and keep their family alive?

Women control the dating and baby making world. As a guy there's no point stressing over it, just enjoy your free time.

JustAThought

jimjangles wrote: »

I'm not a farmer lol.
Quit with the farmery stuff.
I have decent teeth I just dress casually, I'd feel like a clown if I was going around dressed in a suit all the time.
I'm not overweight either.

You sooud like a decent guy. Ok internet dating esp. If you live out of major cities is a bit of a chore - but giving up and playing computer games alone won't help you meet up with anyone.

Here's some suggestions.that will help.

Invest in yourself. When you meet on a date what will you speak about? Go to a comedy show or a film, find something on and do a day trip to that - vintage car festival, charity concert, game of thrones tour from Belfast, day trip to an OPW site - do a few of these and even if you'rw not online when you meet with someone and she asks you what you've done or if what you did last weekend you will have something new to say and it might spark a conversation or at least give you something to talk about. Do a few things - a one item wonder is a worry.

If you are totally disillusioned (I think you are!) Try meetup.com It is a brilliant site and there are hundreds of different groups - ots usually free and often they do different things that yku probably would never try or do by yourself. Pick a few and go. There are talks,film groups, reatUrant groups, adventure day outs, random day outs wtc and often over populated by young friendly females looking to meet new people. Even if you find noone you like you will have a few good days out in a social environment and wont have to be paying for someones meal/drinks! Everyone is in the same boat and its a group setting so its far easier than the likes of meeting a single person on an online dating date.

+1 for dance classes - not necessarily countey but they are good fun,full of women, and you don't have to buy drinks/meals or make conversation - its all done for you and if you like someone it gives you a few weeks of regular nights where you can meet them or suss them out or buld up courage to chat to them in a readymade environment. Dance classes are always looking for men - I would say hungry for men!Pick a beginners one!

If gaming is your big thing is there a way you can make this more social - some places used have meetups in xybercafes (how antique this sounds!) And there are gaming conventions and places like the clockwork cafe in Dublin (it might have an older gaming scene but is mostly ad hoc 20's males from what I can ses). Might be worth looking up but tbh you do need to spread your wings a bit.

There is a thing coming up in one of the horse racing places (fairyhouse or somewhere) thats going to be a mega 1990's disco -I saw it advertised online!Might be an idea to see if you can get a ticket and get someone to go along - the age profile woukd be ok and with all that drink and outdoor craic you could well bump into some nice fill.

also there are bookclubs - usually populated bu 80% women. Try not to get sucked into ine that make you ratate houses and privide wine. The libraries have many and they irganise borrowung the books too - so it dosn't cost you anything. You dont have to be a literary god or genius to ge able to read and comment - if your local lubrary is too close try one in another county that meets on a Saturday or in the evening so.you're not just meeting married housewives.

For the meantime I'd focus on meetup - pick a few things and just do it - pick ones that have a fair few mwmbers or people signed up to it. If you ahve to create a new fb page for it then just do it - what have you to lose and it'll help you and if nothing else be somethin to do.

I would suggest getting a dog but thats a 10 year commitment ! You always meet people out walking them - in parks - not on roadsides! Maybe there is a rescue where you can volunteer to walk their dogs occasionally - get you out and they are always full of women!!

There is also matchmaking places that will team you up - I heard one Intreo talking on the radio the other day - it will cost you a fair bit (I think 700) but you might be able to negotiate with them and if you think about in it terms of the years or months yourl have been trying it might be a worthwhile investment and cheeper than all those nights out and buying meals! they are always looking for men!

There are a few couch to 5k groups floating about - fb is a great place to.find them. They periodically start people with zero fitness or jogging ability and train them to run for e0 seconds,walk for 5 mins, etc week after week until they can do abit of jogging. Its a great way to meet people (often just women) and some gave a very social network behingld them. Having zero fitness is a requiremt to join - that might suit you!!!

Whatever you choose - free meetuos, talks in the lical clubs/city libraries/ volunteering at a club/fundraiser its important that you get out and meet meople and do something. The time to build on your self and your range of activities is now and you will see the rewards.

Best of luck. Its hard but you have to keep trying and now is the time to invest in yourself with patience, trips and maybe a new shirt or two and haircut! Its best to be prepared - good things are coming - don't give up.

Wibbs

On the disillusioned front. If I were to take an analogy, I would say there are broadly two types of people, those who listen to love songs and those who listen to break up songs and this informs how they feel about all this stuff. Be more the former.

Potential-Monke

I understand where you're coming from OP. I am in a similar situation, but I've accepted being single. I'm only 36 myself, and since 15 I've had a 1-Year relationship and 2 7-Year relationships. Basically single for the last 6 years, but a lot of my bad situations are basically caused by me.

I tried the whole mortgage, decent job, relationship thingy and it wasn't for me. The mortgage became unaffordable, the job became depressing and the relationship, well, it was going really well but I knew deep down she wanted kids, so I ended the relationship as I definitely didn't (she has since married and is now a loving single parent). But, I've always been the strange one in my age group. Most other kids (back in the day) and the vast majority of adults I've met over the last 20 years were into the usual likes, sports, socialising, fashion. I have a strong dislike of all of them. The sport hatred probably came from never getting picked when I played them as a kid (I was the small kid, and ginger). So lost interest in sports quickly. Fashion, I've never been into it. I'm a jeans and t-shirt guy, but nice jeans and t-shirts, I can look presentable.

I've tried POF, never successful even after paying for premium. Tinder, nah. The only person I matched with on Tinder was my then friendzoned female bff (ugh). And since starting this new job 2 years ago, I can see how the 20-somethings use it. Was chatting with one of my work colleagues and he was doing something with his hand. I queried, and he was just swiping right without looking. Said he'd filter out the matches. Obviously I was using it wrong, trying to actually match with someone.

But, due to all the above, I'm now gone from the decent (allegedly) job, i've sold the house and took the €20k hit (because unlike a lot of people, I don't expect to keep my house if I can't afford to pay the mortgage). I initially moved back in with my parents while I got settled back in my born county, but since then it has become beneficial for both me and my parents to stay living together. They're both over 70, and I help them with the tech side of things, keeping them up to date with tv and sports, etc that they wouldn't be able to arrange themselves. My mother said that even her phone would be out the window if I leave. So I'm kinda stuck, but can leave at any stage if I really wanted. Just makes sense right now to stay.

So, not exactly the catch of the day right now. And I've come to accept it. I'm also a gamer, and really it's the only thing I do outside of work. Even the few friends I've met since coming home are all 10 years younger than me, because it's just impossible to find people in my own age bracket who are into what i'm into. And I've put my foot down on my own happiness since I came home. I no longer try to please everyone, and my anxiety is all but gone. Granted, my own family are calling me a hermit now, but tbh I prefer it. In the country, it's all about 'did you hear what yer wan did?' or 'did you see he's with her now' kind of things. The same boring cnuts in the same pubs talking the same crap as always. Friendly to your face, talking about you behind your back. You know, people.

I've given up on love, insofar as I'm worn out from rejection over the years, so I've stopped trying as i'm convinced there's no one within my age group who I could settle down with. I'm probably now expecting too much, and it's playing into my giving up. But between my own relationships, my siblings and watching everyone else, I think living together can ruin a good relationship. Right now, I'd be delighted to find someone who has their own life, their own friends and their own activities/past times, but who has a night or two (or three, depending) free a week, where they just want some emotional connection, but back to business as normal then in a few days. Live their own lives, and share a small portion of it. It's possible, but highly improbably.

Throw in the fact that due to the last 2 long relationships, i'm not willing to settle on someone who isn't a gamer, because non-gamers just don't understand it (even though they will spend hours watching Love Island, Drag Race or some other eye cancer). Suddenly, my sea of fish has turned into a paddling pool. But again, I've accepted this. If I'm single for the rest of my life, so be it. I'm happier now than I was in a relationship I reckon.

I also admit to being my own worst enemy here, i've walled myself off due to fear of rejection. I've been rejected so often, or gotten it wrong enough times, that i'm fearful of trying. Everyone of my friends say the usual supportive stuff, you're a lovely guy, blah blah. I'm not Adonis, but i'm not Hanson from Scary Movie either. For the last 3 years, I've been growing a beard. Not a shaped, perfected beard, but a natural wild-ish beard (it can't be natural and not-wild). And I'm loving it. I've received more compliments in the last year than I have in the previous 35. But still no one biting. Apparently having a beard makes the potential partner pool even smaller, but meh.

And before anyone says it, no, I'm not trying to have the poor mouth, or whatever term it is nowadays. I'm not looking for sympathy, as most of it is fake anyway. I may be turning into a procrastinating pessimist, but i'm happy enough with that right now.

cgcsb

jimjangles wrote: »

I've tried online dating sites and they're absolutely useless.
I'm not ugly but it would seem by my terrible lack of popularity that I don't have the looks for online dating.
Whatever they're looking for online it's not me.
Also I have no kind of a social life anymore.
Also I'm 37 and I'm a man.
So if online dating doesn't work and I have no social life and I live in the midlands seems things aren't really going to work out too good for me for finding someone ever.
I should probably just forget about it.

A lot of men could do with putting in an effort and taking better selfies. Also, have you considered homosexuality? 60% less migranes and 90% more personal wealth.

Blitzkrieger

jimjangles wrote: »

The whole online so called dating scene is useless completely shallow bs.
Yes I know they're free but why would I pay to be rejected when I can be rejected for free.
I'm not into dancing, I'm not into sport and am too old to be accepted as sports are only for teens anyway.
I don't like gyms.
I hate to say it but I've given up.
I'm all out of options.
I'm going to just play video games and forget about women for the rest of my life.
There just aren't any decent women out there anymore.

Jebus - I was waiting on a bus a few weeks ago and saw a couple walking down the street with a buggy. The pair of them (I'll try and be nice) weren't the best looking people and seemed to have all the hygiene and culture of the underside of a loo seat. If they can find each other, there's hope for all of us!

There's always options. I'm going to repeat myself and say just increase the pool size and socialise and you'll meet someone eventually. Quit focusing on what you don't like and find something you do. Even if it's gaming - find a social scene around that. I know a couple who met through their shared love of TFC (I'm that old!)

And I'd be slow to think you're too old for something. Handsome Tom was still running rings around me at soccer at 42. The oldest guy in our gym didn't join until he was 67. He finished top in the country in his category this year. I myself only learned to swim a few years ago. Sure it took a bit longer 'cos I'm old but I got there.

My uncle got married at 64. It's never too late.

Before moving on; have you tried a dating agency? Maybe a bit of professional help would do the job?

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

I find it easy to get dates in Dublin from dating apps these days.....My problem is I always think there's a better more attractive one out there on these stupid apps ....

I touched on this in an earlier post, but this is kinda the reason why online dating can be damaging to mental health. I saw a video about it on the BBC website where people outlined what harm it does. A guy said he could be on a date and hitting it off with a girl, but his phone would give him a notification of a new match and he'd be thinking there's potentially someone better out there. Another guy said he wouldn't even bother chatting to women in a bar because they're all on the dating apps anyway - it's easier to just view their profile and swipe! Getting a match also gives people a small 'win' and it gets to be like a gambling addiction - people spend more and more time on the apps chasing that 'win'.

So yeah, apps can be dangerous, but you'll also have the opportunity to interact with a lot more people online than in real life.

dd973 wrote: »

Funny how smug, superior couples never acknowledge luck or chance as ever having any role to play in where and how they ended up.

Lottery winner syndrome. 'I won the lottery - why can't you?'

[Deleted User]

agree with the posts saying get a social life first. you need to have something to offer someone to complement their lives too

go on tinder. match loads of people and get out there meeting them. don't look for The One

vargoo wrote: »

I've seen profiles specifically state they would unmatch anyone that started a convo like that.

they sound like zero craic

crossmolinalad

Go dump social media and your phone , your thousands of friends on that is worth nothing and go out in the weekends to make real friends
In no time you will find someone you like

[Deleted User]

talkin to women is a promising avenue, regardless of pursuing romantic interest or not.

try not to push it if they dont seem up for it.

this is where having an in such as mutual friends or shared activity groups or work comes in.

step two is listenin to em. its harder but i swear to you, its a cheat mode to their seeming to enjoy your company

whatever happens after that, happens. youll hardly be worse off than you would be filling out an online profile that isnt goin to do any of the hard work for you anyway

mdk_kdm

bluewolf wrote: »

go on tinder. match loads of people and get out there meeting them. don't look for The One

Sounds so easy, just match a bunch of people! What if you get no matches? Or the only matches you get are grotesquely obese ones who don't have willpower to stop shoving cakes into their gobs?