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Heartbroken and scared.

KathleenGrant

I am not even looking for advice here, just need to get stuff out. I have spoken to nobody because I am too upset.

I was living with someone for the last ten years. We both work long hours and I have other responsibilities which eat into my free time so we didn't spend much time together. I can't honestly say I didn't know there were problems because he had been quiet lately but any time I asked he said things were fine with us and work was stressing him.

Wed night he told me he was leaving, that he has not been happy for a while and wanted to end it. He had a flat rented and he wanted out. And then he left. Done and gone in an hour. I am upset, sick and scared. I took two days off work and told other friends I was sick and wanted no company. I can't afford to rent this house on my own. I am scared and worried about the future. I miss him terribly but I know he won't be coming back.

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Seth Brundle

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Wow! Just realised it was 6 months yesterday and I didn't realise it. That must be a good sign.

Well done Kathleen.
I can only assume that it has been difficult but you've gotten through the worst.
Pat yourself on the back!

Kidchameleon

Well done!!!

RhubarbCrumble

Well done Kathleen. It sounds like you're doing great. You should be very proud of yourself

Ursus Horribilis

Well done Kathleen! Thanks for coming back with a positive update. May things continue to go well for you.

waxmelts2000

Well done Kathleen I am only 4 weeks in after my break up, I hope I can come back on this in 6 months with a positive update too!

Antares35

Valyawl wrote: »

Well done Kathleen I am only 4 weeks in after my break up, I hope I can come back on this in 6 months with a positive update too!

Hi, am new here! Just wanted to say a similar thing happened to me (he actually moved his things out while I was at work and I realised when I got home that it was over). I am 7 months on from that and with a wonderful guy that I hope to spend the rest of my life with! The first few weeks were the hardest and then things turned. I hope it all works out for you!

KathleenGrant

Valyawl wrote: »

Well done Kathleen I am only 4 weeks in after my break up, I hope I can come back on this in 6 months with a positive update too!

4 weeks after I was in bits. I could go nowhere but work and was avoiding everyone because I couldn't speak without breaking down. It took me a good few months to pick myself up but now I am in a very good place and positive about life. I am still not ready to be with anyone else though and I think sometimes I might not ever be.

waxmelts2000

Yes I am still extremely sad , teary etc. Work has been a distraction but I still have outbursts of tears at work and at home... Meanwhile he is online dating more or less straight away- it was as if our relationship meant nothing to him. 5 weeks today.

You are doing great Kathleen and thanks again for the update. Val.

KathleenGrant

Valyawl wrote: »

Yes I am still extremely sad , teary etc. Work has been a distraction but I still have outbursts of tears at work and at home... Meanwhile he is online dating more or less straight away- it was as if our relationship meant nothing to him. 5 weeks today.

You are doing great Kathleen and thanks again for the update. Val.

I cried and was sick for ages. Just like your case he moved on like i meant nothing. You know he is not worth it. I see now he is not what I thought he was and neither is your man.

Red Lightning

Valyawl wrote:

Yes I am still extremely sad , teary etc. Work has been a distraction but I still have outbursts of tears at work and at home... Meanwhile he is online dating more or less straight away- it was as if our relationship meant nothing to him. 5 weeks today.

That's normal for guys tho. Tinder seems to be a normal response to breaking up. Doesn't mean that ye meant nothing. Time will heal this no doubt. Doesn't mean it's not hard ATM tho. Look after yourself.

waxmelts2000

Thanks Red Lightning

Red Lightning

Valyawl wrote:

Thanks Red Lightning

My friend was in the exact same position. Her ex was straight on tinder and 3 months later he's not in great shape.

wiggle16

Red Lightning wrote: »

That's normal for guys tho. Tinder seems to be a normal response to breaking up. Doesn't mean that ye meant nothing. Time will heal this no doubt. Doesn't mean it's not hard ATM tho. Look after yourself.

I will actually second this. I went on tinder for the first time not that long after leaving my ex... I definitely was not ready and did not actually want to meet anyone. It was more out of boredom, to fill the time and not really knowing what else to do. My ex got back in touch with me last year and he mentioned that he had also gone on tinder not that long after, for pretty much the same reasons. It definitely does not mean that the other person meant nothing.

Like Lightning, I'm not saying that's qualitative of anything or should mean much, just that it seems to be something some men do.

KathleenGrant

KathleenGrant wrote: »

4 weeks after I was in bits. I could go nowhere but work and was avoiding everyone because I couldn't speak without breaking down. It took me a good few months to pick myself up but now I am in a very good place and positive about life. I am still not ready to be with anyone else though and I think sometimes I might not ever be.

Famous last words. I have fallen for someone. Emotionally and physically. Nothing will ever happen and I can't even tell him. But positive to see I can care and I can lust again. Way-hay Kathleen might still have a future.

Lisha

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Famous last words. I have fallen for someone. Emotionally and physically. Nothing will ever happen and I can't even tell him. But positive to see I can care and I can lust again. Way-hay Kathleen might still have a future.

Lust on... no harm to fill your thoughts with fun maybe.

KathleenGrant

Lisha wrote: »

Lust on... no harm to fill your thoughts with fun maybe.

I have meetings with him on Mondays last thing at work so watch out men of Wexford.....I might be on the pull on Monday evenings.

wiggle16

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Famous last words. I have fallen for someone. Emotionally and physically. Nothing will ever happen and I can't even tell him. But positive to see I can care and I can lust again. Way-hay Kathleen might still have a future.

Of course you do!!

You've made great strides and have coped fantastically, even though this must have been incredibly difficult. You owe it to yourself to acknowledge that you have astonishing strength as a person and you have so much more to get out of life.

I'm glad you are finally seeing that there is a life still to be had after your ex. Him and his actions don't define you and his absence doesn't diminish you, not at all. Keep it up!

KathleenGrant

wiggle16 wrote: »

Of course you do!!

You've made great strides and have coped fantastically, even though this must have been incredibly difficult. You owe it to yourself to acknowledge that you have astonishing strength as a person and you have so much more to get out of life.

I'm glad you are finally seeing that there is a life still to be had after your ex. Him and his actions don't define you and his absence doesn't diminish you, not at all. Keep it up!

Thank you. Yes i have amazed myself not just by coping but by being positive and happier than I have been for years. I still hurt sometimes and I still miss him now and again but I am so glad that several days go by when I don't even think of him. And when he texts me now (He does every so often) my heart doesn't skip a beat any more. I just throw my eyes up to heaven and think "what does this idiot want now"

Kidchameleon

OP, if he ever texts you, dont read the message. Delete it straight away. Better still, block his number. He is not part of your life anymore, tell him this, tell him not to bother texting or contacting you again because you are over it and have moved on with your life.

Seth Brundle

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Thank you. Yes i have amazed myself not just by coping but by being positive and happier than I have been for years. I still hurt sometimes and I still miss him now and again but I am so glad that several days go by when I don't even think of him. And when he texts me now (He does every so often) my heart doesn't skip a beat any more. I just throw my eyes up to heaven and think "what does this idiot want now"

You've shown great mental and emotional strength and I think you've emerged from a really difficult situation as a confident person. Anyone who knows you will surely respect you for how you've coped with all this.
Best of luck. Ignore his texts as you're not responsible for him now.
Enjoy your new life, maybe even breaking a few hearts! I wish you well.

KathleenGrant

Out of the blue on Thurs I got a phonecall from my ex asking me to meet him. He had something to give me, a ring he found in the toolbox in the car that I thought I lost 2 years ago.for good. I met him and we had tea together. He asked me to take him back. I was stunned. Could hardly believe it.

wiggle16

Can't say I'm surprised!

What did you say?

KathleenGrant

wiggle16 wrote: »

Can't say I'm surprised!

What did you say?

You're not surprised? Really? I was gobsmacked, couldn't speak for ages.

Tuesday_Girl

They always come crawling back.

It obviously hasn't worked out with his new woman so he's hoping he can worm his way back in with you now.

Lisha

Oh Kathleen I wish I knew what advice to give you. (I kinda want to say tell him feic off as you have survived after him and you deserve so much better. But only you know yourself and only you know what’s best for you.)

The very best of luck. I wish you nothing but the best.

Dial Hard

I think meeting him was a mistake. He could have posted the ring back to you or even dropped it through your letterbox. I get the impression the meeting has knocked you back a good bit. All I will say is go back and read your original post and remember what it was like to feel that way.

Virgil°

Dial Hard wrote: »

All I will say is go back and read your original post and remember what it was like to feel that way.

Yup. Remember that gut punched/can't sleep/can't eat/enjoy nothing feeling? That's what waiting for you again with this lad. Nothing else. Since you've twice now not answered whether or not you plan on taking him back is it safe to say you've already agreed or are considering it?
Just remember:

Tuesday_Girl wrote:

It obviously hasn't worked out with his new woman so he's hoping he can worm his way back in with you now.

If you decided to take him back you're accepting that you are only as good as a plan B, his second choice(potentially lower? Who knows what he was up to). Can you live with that knowledge? Do you think that's all you're worth? A reluctantly given silver medal?

From my experience peoples emotions rarely change on a whim Kathleen. He said it himself. He'd not been happy for a while so he decided to leave. He's only back now because he's got nothing better. He didn't suddenly realise hes still deeply in love with you. And I'd bet every red cent to my name that you won't see him for dust the next time he gets another offer.

Ursus Horribilis

Oh dear, this is such a disappointing turn of events. Sorry to burst your bubble Kathleen but I agree with the others who say you made a huge mistake in going to meet him. I had a nagging feeling that your "I'm doing great now" updates were too good to be true. But was hoping I was wrong. Maybe even you were lying to yourself.

Look, you're a grown woman and you're free to make your own choices. I find it very hard to believe that taking your ex back will end well. Through his behaviour at the time of the break up, he told you what sort of person he was. Be careful that loneliness, smooth words, fear of the future and rose tinted glasses aren't leading you down a dangerous road.

wiggle16

KathleenGrant wrote: »

You're not surprised? Really? I was gobsmacked, couldn't speak for ages.

No, not surprised at all. That's not to say you shouldn't be. But people who suddenly walk out on a long term partner out of the blue, more often than not they come back with their tail between their legs at some stage. Doesn't always happen but it makes sense when it does.

He left you to be with this other woman. Up until that moment their dynamic was different, they were working around his routine as a man in a long term relationship. He had everything his own way, everything was on his terms. Now he's probably realising that she's not as much fun when she's a full time girlfriend.... and that's probably because she's realised that wistfully waiting for the day that your illicit lover leaves their partner to be with you is way more romantic than finding out what they're really like as a partner, after the fact. The grass is always greener.

Remember when she left you her number wanting to speak to you? I think there's only one reason really why she would do that: something he was telling her before he left you, stopped making sense shortly after he left you. She wanted to verify something with you. Maybe she figured out what it was and ended things with him, or it's caused friction. And she's just not as much fun as she was this time last year. Poor petal.

Either way it's not working out like he'd planned, it seldom does.

Whatever you decide to do, you need to remember how it made you feel when he left, as another poster has said. He did that to you. He walked out on your for someone else. He did it to you, he'd do it again, and if they're still together then that's what he's about to do to her.
You also need to remember that whatever he's told you when he asked if you could get back together is whatever was most advantageous to him for you to hear. He will tell you as little as he can get away with telling you.

I wouldn't touch off him with someone else's barge pole if it were me. I wouldn't take him back Kathleen.

You have done amazingly over the last few months. I wish you luck with whatever you decide, I just hope you do what's right for you. x

Sephiroth_dude

Hope ya told the creep where to go.