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I need some good advice please

Hugo1000

I am seeing my girlfriend a few years and she mentioned last November she wants to get engaged so she picked out a ring and she is having my baby in August, we went through a rough patch as I'm trying to get use to the death of my dad, and I became down and raised my voice at her and she walked out of the house and she now says she wants to move back in and I mentioned if she wants to get engaged and she says she does not think we are their at the moment, it appears strange as last November we were ready then and now I think she does not love me as much anymore, as I've met men who treat women worse and they are married, I look after her very well and give her time love and affection, I think she is in it for the good times and walks at the first sign of trouble, I really need help and I don't know what to do, I have my own house and I treat her well, but it seems at the first sign of trouble she does a runner, what should I do?

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Xterminator

I became down and raised my voice at her and she walked out of the house.. now says she wants to move back in... at the first sign of trouble she does a runner,

you say this in a way that sounds liek you think she did something wrong. and no recognition that you were wrong. So let me be clear .. you raised your voice and said hurtful things to a girl that's pregnant with your baby. she left to protect herself and the baby.

you = bad guy
she = did absolutely the right thing.

hope that's clear enough.

you justify your behavior by saying as I've met men who treat women worse and they are married? thats like a burglar saying at least i didn't rape my victims too!!! No, you are wrong my friend. by driving her from the house with your behavior you have damaged the relationship. you need to earn her trust back.

of course she doesn't want to get married yet. if you treat her like this when your in the honeymoon period of your relationship, it only going to get worse if she does marry you.

If it was my sister, id tell her to leave you. you're not sorry for your past behaviour, you're excusing yourself and then blaming her for the damage you caused the relationship. Grow up quick or you will lose this girl!!

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

You're dealing with the death of your father.

She's dealing with a pregnancy, which can bring about significant emotional changes.

You should apologise for your behaviour towards her, let her move back in, and drop the discussion about getting engaged for the time being. You already have too much on your respective plates without added complication and pressure.

Charles Ingles

Hugo1000 wrote: »

I am seeing my girlfriend a few years and she mentioned last November she wants to get engaged so she picked out a ring and she is having my baby in August, we went through a rough patch as I'm trying to get use to the death of my dad, and I became down and raised my voice at her and she walked out of the house and she now says she wants to move back in and I mentioned if she wants to get engaged and she says she does not think we are their at the moment, it appears strange as last November we were ready then and now I think she does not love me as much anymore, as I've met men who treat women worse and they are married, I look after her very well and give her time love and affection, I think she is in it for the good times and walks at the first sign of trouble, I really need help and I don't know what to do, I have my own house and I treat her well, but it seems at the first sign of trouble she does a runner, what should I do?

Your a man now , your going to be a father.
I know the death of your father was tough but it's time to step up and be counted.
Your girlfriend has a lot invested in you don't let her or your child down.
Buy her flowers chocolates and apologies.
And give her a break she is a first time mother she needs your support not childish behaviour

Fol20

Xterminator wrote: »

you say this in a way that sounds liek you think she did something wrong. and no recognition that you were wrong. So let me be clear .. you raised your voice and said hurtful things to a girl that's pregnant with your baby. she left to protect herself and the baby.

you = bad guy
she = did absolutely the right thing.

hope that's clear enough.

you justify your behavior by saying as I've met men who treat women worse and they are married? thats like a burglar saying at least i didn't rape my victims too!!! No, you are wrong my friend. by driving her from the house with your behavior you have damaged the relationship. you need to earn her trust back.

of course she doesn't want to get married yet. if you treat her like this when your in the honeymoon period of your relationship, it only going to get worse if she does marry you.

If it was my sister, id tell her to leave you. you're not sorry for your past behaviour, you're excusing yourself and then blaming her for the damage you caused the relationship. Grow up quick or you will lose this girl!!

People get into heated arguments, what is wrong with raising your voice, is this not normal when you are in a heated argument? I suppose it might depend on how he "raised his voice"

I agree with you that i wouldnt compare your relationship to others however would you seriously leave a person because they spoke to you in a louder tone when you are arguing? Every couple argues and i dont see the big deal here.

Cayden Jealous Therapist wrote: »

You're dealing with the death of your father.

She's dealing with a pregnancy, which can bring about significant emotional changes.

You should apologise for your behaviour towards her, let her move back in, and drop the discussion about getting engaged for the time being. You already have too much on your respective plates without added complication and pressure.

Both of them are wrong. She should understand that he is going through something due to the passing of his dad and should give him some extra lea-way. I know when i lost a loved one, i wasnt able to think straight. He also should not have raised his voice however personally when i remember what i was like when i lost my parents, i would definitely allow a little give from my partner.

Charles Ingles wrote: »

Your a man now , your going to be a father.
I know the death of your father was tough but it's time to step up and be counted.
Your girlfriend has a lot invested in you don't let her or your child down.
Buy her flowers chocolates and apologies.
And give her a break she is a first time mother she needs your support not childish behaviour

He also needs her support during his grieving process which he hasnt received. Its a two way street and not all on the women.

Kenny B

Xterminator wrote: »

you = bad guy
she = did absolutely the right thing.

hope that's clear enough.

If it was my sister, id tell her to leave you. you're not sorry for your past behaviour, you're excusing yourself and then blaming her for the damage you caused the relationship. Grow up quick or you will lose this girl!!

What a load of nonsense,

She is also in this relationship, he said 'raised his voice', he did not beat her. Both partners should be able to spot when the other partner needs support,

It all worked well previously for a reason, couples need to be able to talk (even loudly) to each other, disagree wildly even, but to walk at the 1st sign of trouble is childish on her part. That said it's no reason to give up on each other so easily.

Charles Ingles

He also needs her support during his grieving process which he hasnt received. Its a two way street and not all on the women.[/quote]
I

I disagree he is a Man now, Im Sure his father would tell him to pull himself together to treat his future wife well and put his child first

Parents dying is part of life's natural order no need to wallow in self pity

Hugo1000

Exactly, I mean I feel like not voicing my emotional well being anymore and just stay quiet now and if she does it now, well she will walk on me in the future too, what does it mean though? Does she not really love me or what, she's not a bad person at all, I just don't think she understands that I lost both parents in 8 years, thats hard to come to terms with.

Ursus Horribilis

Was this baby planned? August comes 9 months after November.

Hugo1000

Yes this baby was planned, we are together 3 years, and this was something we both wanted but with my dad passing suddenly, just when she got pregnant she changed. We went to my parents grave in Kilkenny and I'm in Dublin, I wanted to sit by their graveside and spend time for awhile and she texted me to meet her at the hotel and that she was not waiting in the car and I walked back and said could I not spend a little longer with them, she went mental I mean red face and angry and started speeding down the road, and to make the record straight its a country road so for me to walk to the hotel would take 20 mins on a bad road. She loses it so quickly.

Hugo1000

I firmly disagree Charles Ingram, I should be allowed to express and not only me, but every single man out their, no wonder mental health issues in men is booming, because that word be a man, relationships are a two way street, I deserve respect and every last man out their, I'm definitely not gonna hide my emotions, she is guilty as much as me and she ran at the first sign of trouble. No more hiding just express yourself freely and what ever concerns me I shall talk and she will listen, and if she does not well theirs the door. No more of this attitude and no more saying be a man, no more mental health issues in men who are afraid to voice their own vulnerability and emotional health issues, no more of this BE A MAN!

[Deleted User]

Charles Ingles wrote: »

He also needs her support during his grieving process which he hasnt received. Its a two way street and not all on the women.

Esse85

Xterminator wrote: »

you say this in a way that sounds liek you think she did something wrong. and no recognition that you were wrong. So let me be clear .. you raised your voice and said hurtful things to a girl that's pregnant with your baby. she left to protect herself and the baby.

you = bad guy
she = did absolutely the right thing.

hope that's clear enough.

you justify your behavior by saying as I've met men who treat women worse and they are married? thats like a burglar saying at least i didn't rape my victims too!!! No, you are wrong my friend. by driving her from the house with your behavior you have damaged the relationship. you need to earn her trust back.

of course she doesn't want to get married yet. if you treat her like this when your in the honeymoon period of your relationship, it only going to get worse if she does marry you.

If it was my sister, id tell her to leave you. you're not sorry for your past behaviour, you're excusing yourself and then blaming her for the damage you caused the relationship. Grow up quick or you will lose this girl!!

You sound like you've been a fly on the wall for the whole length of the relationship the OP and his girlfriend have been in.

I find it incredible you can offer such advice based on such limited and one sided information.

Fol20

Charles Ingles wrote: »

He also needs her support during his grieving process which he hasnt received. Its a two way street and not all on the women.

I

I disagree he is a Man now, Im Sure his father would tell him to pull himself together to treat his future wife well and put his child first

Parents dying is part of life's natural order no need to wallow in self pity[/QUOTE]

How is putting his child first here? His child isnt even born, he is talking to the mother of his child. Are you basically saying that any time he talks to his wife even if he is right, he needs to suck it up and let her have the win every time?

Giving birth is part of lifes natural order as well so no need to emphasise that :rolleyes:

If the OP cant express his own views on a situation, whats the point of being in a relationship. I would much prefer to be on my own and sit up and shut up.

Fol20

OP. i think your gf over reacted. I would have said it maybe the hormones going on in her body but you know her better than me and based on more info you have provided, it appears very selfish if she cant even wait in the car when you grieve next to the grave.

I would put marriage on the back burner for now as you have a lot of stuff going on with your relationship and your new unborn child on the way

Couple counselling might be something to look into for the both of you to express your opinion in a neutral unbiased environment.

Yellow pack crisps

She sounds controlling. Being pregnant doesn’t afford you the right to act like that when you’re obviously grieving. If we take your word that all you did was raise your voice then your partner has mental problems.

Charles Ingles

Jesus wept.
The girlfriend is pregnant give her a break.
Op she has s going to be your wife and mother of your child give her the love and respect she deserves

SusieBlue

Charles Ingles wrote: »

I disagree he is a Man now, Im Sure his father would tell him to pull himself together to treat his future wife well and put his child first

Parents dying is part of life's natural order no need to wallow in self pity

Awful, dangerous advice.
His gender has no bearing on the fact that he is a human who is grieving the death of a close loved one, and is under immense pressure & stress.
This burden is heavy enough without pontificating about how "he's a man now" & how there's "no need to wallow in self pity."
Have a bit of compassion, for goodness sake.

Her being pregnant is not a free pass to do as she pleases, she's being extremely manipulative & not very considerate of OP's situation.
It sounds like she could do with being a more supportive, understanding partner to him.

No wonder men are afraid to speak out about their struggles when advice like "man up" is still being thrown out casually to people in distress.

Charles Ingles

SusieBlue wrote: »

Awful, dangerous advice.
His gender has no bearing on the fact that he is a human who is grieving the death of a close loved one, and is under immense pressure & stress.
This burden is heavy enough without pontificating about how "he's a man now" & how there's "no need to wallow in self pity."
Have a bit of compassion, for goodness sake.

Her being pregnant is not a free pass to do as she pleases, she's being extremely manipulative & not very considerate of OP's situation.
It sounds like she could do with being a more supportive, understanding partner to him.

No wonder men are afraid to speak out about their struggles when advice like "man up" is still being thrown out casually to people in distress.

It's awful advice to treat his future wife well and put his child first?
I genuinely worry about the future of humanity

leggo

Xterminator wrote: »

you say this in a way that sounds liek you think she did something wrong. and no recognition that you were wrong. So let me be clear .. you raised your voice and said hurtful things to a girl that's pregnant with your baby. she left to protect herself and the baby.

you = bad guy
she = did absolutely the right thing.

hope that's clear enough.

you justify your behavior by saying as I've met men who treat women worse and they are married? thats like a burglar saying at least i didn't rape my victims too!!! No, you are wrong my friend. by driving her from the house with your behavior you have damaged the relationship. you need to earn her trust back.

of course she doesn't want to get married yet. if you treat her like this when your in the honeymoon period of your relationship, it only going to get worse if she does marry you.

If it was my sister, id tell her to leave you. you're not sorry for your past behaviour, you're excusing yourself and then blaming her for the damage you caused the relationship. Grow up quick or you will lose this girl!!

This advice has the right line of thinking but it's turned WAY up to 11.

The good side of the advice: The OP needs to take responsibility for what he did, understand what led to this and his girlfriend's feelings rather than turning it into a war of "You shouted at me" vs "You ran". But his girlfriend might need to as well and the fact she's being stubborn is likely what's making the OP stubborn.

OP in arguments, generally the answer lies somewhere in the middle because both parties are mad for valid reasons and conflicts arise when each party tries to dump full blame onto the other. You can start this process by being the bigger person and fully accepting and owning your side of things. That might bring her to the table. Then don't push or force the engagement on her, that's needy and most likely to get the opposite reaction. Understand she may have seen something here that's made her think twice, but she wanted to get married before and wants to come back now, so everything is in your favour. If you get needy and pushy about this it's only going to go the other way. You're getting what you want still, just on a new timeline. If you're going to be together for life, there's no rush. So chill.

The bad side of the above advice: You cannot possibly know the degree of what was said because you weren't there and we don't have that info. You can't know if it was a massive overreaction on her part, how her history may have shaped her regardless of the OP's behaviour (e.g. if she was in an abusive relationship before maybe she fears any kind of conflict, but maybe her words/actions also made him raising his voice understandable, in which case it's understandable why she's nervous but also an overreaction) or any info to come down as harshly on the OP as you have. It feels like you're projecting a lot here by filling in blanks and that's unfair on someone looking for help. If this subject brings up issues for you, coming on and slating the OP without any right or info to do so is not a fair way of dealing with that.

Yellow pack crisps

Charles Ingles wrote: »

It's awful advice to treat his future wife well and put his child first?
I genuinely worry about the future of humanity

He raises his voice and she legs it? Sure buddy we should fear for the future alright

SusieBlue

Charles Ingles wrote: »

It's awful advice to treat his future wife well and put his child first?
I genuinely worry about the future of humanity

But at what cost?
By being a doormat? By allowing himself to be manipulated & controlled? By sacrificing his mental health?
What kind of role model would that be for his child?

Mutual respect and support is a vital ingredient in a happy, healthy relationship and it sounds like its in short supply in OP's.
Rather than put up and shut up, he needs to address this and make his feelings known.
It doesn't need to be an either or situation, he can treat her well, put his child first AND be equally treated with respect and compassion by her.

He shouldn't have to accept being treated poorly by a partner just because he happens to be a male, the fact that you are suggesting otherwise is frankly baffling.

Charles Ingles

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

He raises his voice and she legs it? Sure buddy we should fear for the future alright

Here's a mad idea.
How about not raising his voice to his heavily pregnant fiancee

Hugo1000

May I add a little more, She mentioned the night before she walked that their is a love bite on my neck and for the record I never have once been disloyal to her and always truthful. But after she said it, I got a little insecure thinking was she up to something, so the next day I was fuming as to why she would say this and we are having a baby together and does she really trust me at all, so thats one of the reasons I shouted and try to have my say and it all started with her saying I have a hickey from another girl, does not make sense and does she even trust or love me at all? She has also mentioned before if I'm having an affair and my sister said afterwards was she planning all this? I love my girlfriend a lot and I never had a reputation as a player or a cheater, I would do anything for this to work out for the sake of my little girls future. But the accusations has to stop now!

SusieBlue

Charles Ingles wrote: »

Here's a mad idea.
How about not raising his voice to his heavily pregnant fiancee

Must be lonely up there on your high horse.

leggo

Charles Ingles wrote: »

Here's a mad idea.
How about not raising his voice to his heavily pregnant fiancee

Ridiculous and unhelpful contribution tbh. Disagreements happen in every relationship, sometimes voices can get raised because things get heated, there's no crime in it. Also the OP's fiancee is due in August, it's now the start of May and this incident happened a while back. I wouldn't even call her heavily pregnant now, much less when he raised his voice. So stick to the facts. OP disregard this judgy crap.

Charles Ingles

leggo wrote: »

Ridiculous and unhelpful contribution tbh. Disagreements happen in every relationship, sometimes voices can get raised because things get heated, there's no crime in it. Also the OP's fiancee is due in August, it's now the start of May and this incident happened a while back. I wouldn't even call her heavily pregnant now, much less when he raised his voice. So stick to the facts. OP disregard this judgy crap.

Don't misrepresent or misquote me.
Now forgive me if believe a first time expecting mother deserves extra attention support and understanding.

Op I hope things work out for you and your fiancée, this should be the happiest time of your life.

Yellow pack crisps

Charles Ingles wrote: »

Here's a mad idea.
How about not raising his voice to his heavily pregnant fiancee

Or if someone is genuinely grieving don’t drive off and leave them stranded.

SusieBlue

Charles Ingles wrote: »

Don't misrepresent or misquote me.
Now forgive me if believe a first time expecting mother deserves extra attention support and understanding.

Op I hope things work out for you and your fiancée, this should be the happiest time of your life.

The same could (and should) be applied to someone who is grieving the death of their parent.
Being pregnant is not a free pass to be unreasonable & it doesn't excuse sh*tty behaviour.

There should be mutual love, respect and support in a relationship.
OP's partner isn't being particularly supportive of him. She should be called out on that, regardless of being pregnant or not.

leggo

Charles Ingles wrote: »

Don't misrepresent or misquote me.
Now forgive me if believe a first time expecting mother deserves extra attention support and understanding.

Op I hope things work out for you and your fiancée, this should be the happiest time of your life.

I didn't misquote you. I literally quoted your post, word for word, and called everything in it ridiculous.

Charles Ingles

SusieBlue wrote: »

The same could (and should) be applied to someone who is grieving the death of their parent.
Being pregnant is not a free pass to be unreasonable & it doesn't excuse sh*tty behaviour.

There should be mutual love, respect and support in a relationship.
OP's partner isn't being particularly supportive of him. She should be called out on that, regardless of being pregnant or not.

Ok I'd rather not engage in an argument unfair to the op and won't help in anyway.

Op I'll keep you and your family in my prayers