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Unsure what to think

LegacyUser

Guys regular poster but going unregistered for this. Met a girl for the first time about 9 months ago. Really like her but after 9 months "nothing" has happened despite a lot of dating and kissing - she's also never told her family about me and is still making up excuses as to where she is when she's with me. I should say we're in our mid thirties and she lives alone so we're far from teenagers!

We've never been spoken about this directly but I've explained I feel like she keeps me at a distance and the not telling her family I existed made me feel a bit like I didn't matter to her. There have been lots of conversations lately where she's gotten very tears hinting at a bad experience in the past which makes her cautious and her parents protective of her which I understand am fine wth if she was willing to let me in a little bit.

I suggested a weekend away as a way for us to spend some time together and she was enthusiastic about the idea but then as it got closer to the time she was really uncomfortable about it as she would have to explain to her parents where she was so she suggested that it would be easier if I met her parents first once she told them so I cancelled my booking and said that would be totally fine - I just wanted her to feel comfortable.

So as odd as I feel about meeting the parents before I know what to think (and before "anything" has happened) I really like her and I'm willing to go along with whatever makes her happy but it now seems she is finding it hard to even tell them about me which she going to do this weekend.

Sorry for the long post but would be very grateful for your thoughts

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Big Bag of Chips

Someone mid thirties who still needs to run everything by her parents? Nah.. Not worth the hassle. What happens if/when you do become official? Will she still need to get their clearance to go away for a weekend?

Whatever her past issues she is obviously still very much dependent on her parents approval, support and consent. That's not just going to evaporate with her telling them about you. Either her parents are completely over bearing and interfere in every aspect of her life, or they don't, but she hasn't made the transition from child to adult relationship with them yet and is heavily dependent on them for direction.

Either scenario is not particular attractive, I'll be honest. ou've hung around long enough with no progress. I suggest you find a proper functioning adult (in so far as any adult is "proper functioning" :pac:) to go out with instead. Your needs, your feelings, your relationship will always play second fiddle to mammy and daddy.

MissyN

You are so patient & tolerant. 9 months is decent so if she has had bad experiences she should want to share that with you by now. If you hadn’t said you are both mid-30s I would’ve guessed that post was from a teenager as it all sounds quite childish (sorry but it really does).

I’d be very concerned that “nothing” has happened by now. I would never like to rush into that but if I was seeing a guy for 9 months & we hadn’t slept together I’d be very worried. Is there passion when you’re kissing? Where are you when the kissing is taking place? Have you been to her home? If you’re into each other you should be all over each other in the beginning.

I think the issue with the parents is most odd. She’s a grown woman.

You seem like a lovely guy and you deserve better than this messing around.

The Real Ramona

A close friend had a nearly identical situation with a girl nearer 40 and it didn't work out. Like you, he was willing to wait and do whatever it took but he could just never get the relationship off the ground, despite trying for about 1.5 to 2 years. She refused to let him meet her family nor would she meet his. In the end his family were disgusted that she kept him such a "dirty secret" as he didn't deserve it.

Eventually it ended and he met someone else and said he finally saw from that new relationship what was so wrong with being kept a secret and at arms length by his previous girlfriend. I'm so glad he moved on but he really wasted a lot of time on her. I'm guessing that she never really felt the same about him, if that was the way she acted.

The best of luck with your situation.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thank you all for the responses - I know it sounds a little childish so I feel awkward discussing it here and even more so in person with her as it always seems to end in tears at the moment: she keeps asking what makes me unhappy - I feel weird saying it straight out as to me it should be so unbelievably obvious as being an issue. The kissing feels passionate enough but tends to be in either of our cars after a date or as part of a walk - she keeps saying she has to invite me over to hers but she needs to feel comfortable with that as she only moved in before Christmas but even that is nearly 6 months ago at this stage. She came over to my house once just after Christmas which was the only time we have ever made it to a couch - after a few hours it ended up with both of us with tops off before she left to go home as she felt uncomfortable and didn’t want to spend the night. That was also nearly 5 months ago at this stage and there has been no sign of anything like that happening since - I don’t want to put pressure on so even though it’s incredibly frustrating I thought she would tell me when she felt comfortable and I’d let her move at her own pace and be the one to suggest something when she felt ready. The weekend was my way of trying to suggest it without making her feel uncomfortable in case she expected me to suggest something. The reaction at the start made me think maybe she did and I was overthinking things but the cancellation and the discomfort again has made me question what’s going on

Big Bag of Chips

I think she's just not interested. Someone made a very good point in a thread recently about someone who hadn't had sex yet in a 2 year relationship, I think. They said if the passion and "can't keep your hands of each other" stage hadn't happened at the beginning it was unlikely to magically develop at a later stage.

This "thing" that happened in her past might be something, or nothing. If after 9 months of being with you, of you not pushing anything she can't even open up enough to give you a hint of what it might be then that doesn't bode well for future communication. The implication is that she was in an abusive relationship. But you simply don't know. She may have never been in a relationship before. She may have been in an identical relationship to you and he left because it wasn't going anywhere.

It could be ANYTHING and the fact that she hasn't given you any sort of hint or inclination one way or anotherakes me think it's possibly not as serious as she's making it out to be.

You're not in a real relationship with her. Not really. And it's unlikely that you ever will be. For whatever reason she's not comfortable with intimacy, with introducing you to people in her life, with even letting people know of your mere existence. Whatever her issues, it's not your job to help her through them. Especially when she won't tell you what they actually are.

You're a nice comfort blanket to her. Something she can snuggle occasionally to make herself feel a little bit comforted. It would seem you're not much more, and it's very unlikely that you will become that.

Sardonicat

You've never been to her house? !

I don't think this woman is single and the parents is just a BS excuse. She got a man at home.

LegacyUser

I think she wants to have the comfort of a 'relationship' but isn't attracted to you. Her comment about not feeling comfortable after fooling around and getting to the tops off stage reminds me of how I felt with a guy before.. he was nice and kind and interested..and I felt exactly the same when it came to anything physical. I just didn't feel attracted to him and kept hoping it would change, i felt uncomfortable with it and tried to avoid it....I think she feels the same. At 30 something, ye should be further along at this stage than a snog in the car...

Calypso Realm

The first thing that leapt out at me here and I'm sure everyone else, is the way your bending over backwards to ensure she's 'comfortable' in every way, whilst she's doing little or nothing to reciprocate, after all this time. Not good.

A few more questions. Have you met any of her friends, work colleagues? Where did you meet? And how often and where do you go? Was she living at home before she recently moved? Just trying to establish is it's purely a 'parent' thing (though of course it shouldn't be) or she's generally keeping you at a distance from all aspects of her life. When are you meeting them, btw?

ETA Fully agree with former abusive relationship, or even perhaps she was raped. Obviously, the only person who knows is her, though.

MissyN

Honestly I just feel bad for you xx

I knew you’d say the kissing happened in your car cos it usually leads to more when you’re on a couch or bed. You must be so frustrated at this stage!

I think she’s wasting your time & at this stage it doesn’t even matter why she’s behaving so strangely. She’s taking advantage of your kind nature (I hope you’re not paying for everything!) & you don’t deserve this BS.

This will affect your self confidence if you waste much more time on her.

Tiddlypeeps

It definitely sounds like she has been through something traumatic, but if she has made no progress towards sharing this with you or integrating you into her life at this point, it's unlikely she ever will unless pushed. I don't think it would be appropriate to pressure her to deal with something she is obviously not ready to deal with so your only real options are to leave or to continue to put up with the status quo.

I agree with others who said she is using you as a comfort blanket. She is obviously not ready for a real relationship for whatever reason so your best bet is to just walk away.

pwurple

Sorry OP, sounds like she is just not that into you... but possibly is too much of a “nice girl” to break up with you.

You both sound like lovely kind considerate people, but not right for each other.

Kidchameleon

Stop wasting your time on her. Your not getting any younger.

qwerty13

Not only has she shut you out physically, she has also shut you away from other relationships in her life, and from her home, and from communicating with you. That’s not a real relationship. It’s not any kind of relationship at all. I have to ask what part of her life she actually allows you into? Is it just comforting and helping her? Using you as a crutch?

There could be any reason for her very poor treatment of you. But the net effect on you is the same no matter what the reason: feeling frustrated and excluded. If she had even had the slightest consideration for you, she would have either a) told you what the issue is, and sought help for it, or b) ended things with you very soon after this faux relationship started, as she found that she was so uncomfortable in it.

I don’t know how you can stay in this ‘relationship’. It is going to wreak havoc with your self esteem. She is simply not considering you at all, and constantly rejecting you. Why would you stick around for that?

The asking you why you are unhappy, and then crying over any attempts at discussing that is a major major red flag to me (as if there weren’t enough already). Firstly, how can she not see the reasons that you’re unhappy? Does she not have any yardstick of normal relationships to measure against - her own past ones, parents, or friends? Or is she that emotionally blind that she can’t see anything wrong in how she is behaving? And repeated tears in lieu of a discussion really gets my goat. I can’t stand that behaviour (I’m female by the way).

She’s treating you so poorly that I’m actually annoyed on your behalf OP. At this stage even if she told you what her issues are, and made some effort to sort them, I’d still question whether you should stay. As the saying goes, ‘she’s telling you who she is’ - and you’re not listening to her.

Sorry for being harsh in my opinion, but I think you will come out of this very badly in another year or two if you persevere with this ‘relationship’.

LegacyUser

Are you sure she has her own place it sounds as though she might live with parents? Do you meet up often, spend most of weekend together? By the way is this a same sex relationship and is she not out? Not telling parents about a 9 month thing seems off.

Church on Tuesday

I reckon she's a virgin. That might explain her reluctance to get intimate and a need to feel comfortable.

Had an ex who was similar to the lady you're dating now OP, even lived with her for a time. She was a doormat for her parents (mammy was the boss) and others and basically couldn't think for herself despite my patience with her and my reassurances and encouragement.

Didn't end out too great.

So unless you can get her to open up and be honest with you(which for women like this will be difficult) this is going nowhere fast and you'd be best just to leave her be.

Calypso Realm

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

I reckon she's a virgin. That might explain her reluctance to get intimate and a need to feel comfortable.

Actually that struck me at one point as well, but in view of her age, reserved judgement until we heard back from the OP. Certainly a possibility BUT surely something she'd be reasonably comfortable revealing to OP, as opposed to lets' say, something more traumatic or sinister?

Church on Tuesday

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Actually that struck me at one point as well, but in view of her age, reserved judgement until we heard back from the OP. Certainly a possibility BUT surely something she'd be reasonably comfortable revealing to OP, as opposed to lets' say, something more traumatic or sinister?

It depends, it can be something of a hang up for people who are older and may be a source of embarrassment but really it's only the OP that can find that out if he can.

Big Bag of Chips

If she's not willing to confide anything in you, if she's not willing to invite you into her life, if she doesn't want to visit your home, if she doesn't want to spend time with you (unless her parents give the go-ahead) then what exactly is your relationship?

All the things mentioned above are very normal things in a 9 month relationship. Yet she's giving you nothing. You're a boyfriend in name only. She's happy with this, because it sounds like she doesn't actually want a boyfriend. You're not happy because you want a girlfriend. Crying at any attempt at a conversation is handy. If makes sure you back off and continue to go along with whatever she decides your relationship is without any discussion with you about it.

What's so great about her? What do you get from being in a relationship with her that you think you wouldn't get from someone else?

LegacyUser

Guys, OP here. Thank you all for your input - it’s for things like this that I love Boards and the community feel!

So firstly we’re boy/girl so the gay/not out issue is not there. Our situation is a little odd in the sense that we both work in the same field (and have lots of friends in common even if they aren’t aware of that yet!) so any introduction to each other’s friends or disclosure means that it’s all out there very quickly as gossip including to respective exes.

In the meantime she’s now told her parents (who are keen to meet me), I’ve met two of her (non-common industry) friends and she’s met two of mine who know the story. I have finally been invited back to hers twice and things have “progressed” but not fully and not to the extent that she feels comfortable with me staying - it’s been after a date or day out rather than as a general invitation so although it is still very frustrating I think that things seem to be moving. I have explained that I found that hard and she has apologised but has not yet given me an explanation as to what is causing her reluctance.

My friends (who know the story and whose judgment I would really trust) liked her and feel there is genuine affection on her part but they are also totally confused about why things are the way that they are and they feel I do need to ask the question but I need to figure out a way to do this.

I understand why people would wonder what I am doing and if it is just a case of her being too nice to say something but I really don’t think that is the case.

Ironically in my most significant relationships up to now things happened very quickly! So in a lot of ways I was fine with things moving slowly here as I think that can cloud feelings but now I
am in a situation where I know I have very strong feelings for her before anything has happened. She is kind, warm, intelligent, funny and beautiful.

After a bad break up a couple of years ago I find myself thinking about her a lot in a way that I haven’t felt since that ex...and there have been some relationships in between so this isn’t a rebound situation!

As patient as I am (and I feel terrible saying this) I feel I need to know soon what the issue is or whether she will ever feel comfortable enough with me or whether it is better for us to move on as friends but I don’t want to present it as starkly as that as I do really like her and I I do want this to have a future.

I want her to be feel she can get past whatever has made her feel this way to allow us to get past this. My question now is what do I do: ask her or let things continue to run on in the hope that she will let me in in her own time?

miamee

Personally I think you need to ask her. Tell her all the nice things that you've said here that you think she is smart and kind and funny etc and that you really like her a lot. But also that an intimate physical relationship is something that is very important to you too. And maybe it's not important to her and that's ok but it makes you somewhat incompatible. If she's just not ready yet then she has a hang up of some description about sex either not into it or had a bad experience or something else. It's hard to know until you talk to her really and see how she reacts.

KikiLaRue

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Actually that struck me at one point as well, but in view of her age, reserved judgement until we heard back from the OP. Certainly a possibility BUT surely something she'd be reasonably comfortable revealing to OP, as opposed to lets' say, something more traumatic or sinister?

It sounds to me like she might have been assaulted or in an abusive relationship in the past.

shamrock55

I'll keep it short, walk away now.

Sleepy

9 months with no sex when you're both in your 30s?! :eek: You're a more patient man than me OP. I'd have run for the hills already.

From the sounds of things, there's either been an extremely traumatic sexual experience in her past or she's hiding something she's not ready to tell you yet. Have you seen her naked? Could there be a "surprise" you don't know about?

valoren

You have a litany of pertinent questions which you've been waiting patiently like a gent for her to confide in you about. Nine months is a significant enough time lapse in a relationship for her to have developed sufficient respect for you in order for her to have the "I need to tell you something.." conversation. Personally I wouldn't be willing to wait around anymore for the answers whatever they may be.

Danzy

There seems to be psychological issues at play with her

Her parent's are doing her a great disservice.

LegacyUser

Lives alone but doesn't let you stay over? Something definitely amiss. Do you know how last relationship ended even through mutual friends? You need to broach it. Huge chance you won't have your needs met

ginandtonicsky

She is either:

- Not sexually attracted to you
- Not into sex in general
- Psychologically damaged about sex

The main problem though is that she's not willing to tell you what the reason is. That's a major communication problem on her part that will prevent things from moving forward.

The parents thing is weird. Why do her parents need to know exactly where she's going when she's heading away for the weekend? Why must you meet them in order for the relationship to progress? I'm close to my folks but live my own independent life, including keeping mum about my love lift unless it's at the point where it's relevant. A woman in her 30s using that as an excuse is just plain bizarre.

Back to the sex thing, how important is it to you? Can you live without it, or with it once a week / month, assuming your lady friend gets passed this mental barrier? You can be selfish here because if setting yourself up for a crap / barely there sex life for the next 40 years is something you don't want, you need to make that decision now. I personally couldn't deal with it.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Very much reads to me that she's had a recent traumatic experience, whether abuse within a relationship or an assault. While it's possible she's got an extremely dysfunctional and age-innappropriate relationship with her parents or is cheating on someone with you, I'm basing everything I'm saying her on that likelihood.

I'm glad you're being so accommodating and empathetic but you're really stuck between a rock and a hard place here. You don't want to push her to disclose anything she's not ready to, but you don't want to maintain a pattern that will potentially stymy any further progress; and of course you don't want to remain in a sexless relationship indefinitely.

I guess without getting specific about it being about potential past abuse (for one thing, while it's likely based on what you've told us, it's of course not definitely what's at play and that would be quite a faux pas) let her know you're a safe person to talk to, you care about her etc.

Unless and until she decides to open up to you more it's difficult to know what to advise. Honestly I'd be leaning towards calling time on it, or at least dialling things back to a friendship. If she is a survivor of abuse or rape the sex issue is very unlikely to resolve itself after ye get the first go under your belts, at nine months in you're really only at the start of a possibly life long process of her struggling with her relationship with sex and her body.

I don't mean this as callously as it sounds but you don't owe this woman anything beyond basic human decency and imo you've certainly met and surpassed that. You are of course free to choose to give more, do more, wait more if you think it's worth it for you, many people make that decision but there's no point pretending there's a magical happy ever after, it's an on going process.

After you meet her parents you'll probably have a better read on the situation but then again after you meet them you're kind of further committed and it'll make walking more difficult.

Very difficult situation OP, I don't envy you.

Ursus Horribilis

I've heard it said that you shouldn't date someone based on their potential. That's what this sounds like here. It's obvious that you care for this woman, otherwise you wouldn't have put up with this for 9 months. I get the impression you're not going to end the relationship in the near future but I think you need to set yourself your own deadline. If she hasn't told you what's wrong/sought help for it and if you've not developed a normal sex life within x amount of time, it's better to walk. It's a relationship you're looking for, not a project. I'm not just talking about the lack of sex. It's the odd relationship with her parents etc. too. All relationships involve compromise of course. The question is - have you moved into "bending over backwards" territory?

I think you're going to have to have that uncomfortable conversation you've been dancing around. It's not unreasonable to be expecting to have a sex life this far into a relationship unless you're very religious or something. She knows it too and I'm sure she won't be that surprised when you broach the subject.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all of the responses. Parents have been met and they couldn’t have been nicer or more pleasant to me.

Things have progressed (but not fully) and I have said that the never staying over (never actually using the “s” word but making it clear that this something that was on my mind) was something that was bothering me. Apologised but still no explanation as to why this is or any idea as to how or when that might happen if ever. However I was told that what has happened won’t happen on every occasion in case I start to develop an expectation!

Progress but I am not sure do I still need to actually mention the “s” word explicitly and if so how would you go about that - hard to know what to say as hinting hasn’t helped and I don’t like the idea of having this conversation by asking the question as baldly as that. Any thoughts?