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Feel like a shallow piece of ****...because I am?

LegacyUser

There's a girl in my college course that I like a lot...
She's nice, funny, easy to talk to and we share a lot in common in terms of music we like etc and just get on really well in general. There's also a perceptible chemistry between us and I get the feeling she's interested in me too.

My issue arises in that I just don't really find her attractive physically. She's not overtly unattractive or anything, just not like women I'd generally/previously pursue.

This has been getting me down as basically for the first time I'm being confronted directly with evidence that I'm a shallow person...I always try and see the best in people and to distinguish between their personality and physical appearance an see beyond things out of their control but this situation suggests otherwise to me...I think this girl is great and would really like to be with her but I don't think my pride would let me - I know I would be thinking about my friends and family members and what they thought of her and how that would reflect on me.

The reality that this idea is finding expression in my thoughts really disgusts me. It's not at all the kind of person I try to be.

I don't deserve a girl that great, and she doesn't deserve to be thought of like this by pieces of **** like me...I just don't know where to go from here

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khaldrogo

Physical attraction is massively important. Don't be worried about the PC brigade. Do what you want.....

Alf Veedersane

Physical attraction is one thing and I don't really think you're different from most if the lack of physical attraction is an issue.

However, if it's more the fact that what other people would think about you going out with her, then it's not that you're shallow but you need to think about whether you make decisions in life based on what other people think or what you want.

Addle

How can there be chemistry if you don't find her attractive?
There's nothing wrong with finding someone who isn't your usual type attractive.

Sorry about that

This is not evidence that you are a shallow person. This is evidence that you’re overthinking the issue. You don’t fancy her, sound. Are you beginning to get the feeling that she has the hots for you and you think you might have inadvertently led her on? If so, that’s also ok, it happens.

LegacyUser

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

Physical attraction is one thing and I don't really think you're different from most if the lack of physical attraction is an issue.

However, if it's more the fact that what other people would think about you going out with her, then it's not that you're shallow but you need to think about whether you make decisions in life based on what other people think or what you want.

I think this is the kicker - I think it's more how other people's perceptions of me would change were I to go out with her rather than how I would feel about it that's stopping me...I hate that about me but I don't know how to change it.
It'd be easy for me to just declare that I don't care what anybody thinks anymore but in practice/reality I think it'd be pretty damn hard - even people who succeed in disregarding other's opinions care what they say sometimes in truth I reckon.

And don't get me wrong I'm not some ultra conformist by any means, if anything I'd stand more on my own than any of my friends in my main group...but the idea of them or my cousins/whoever talking about me and how I'd "settled" for this girl who's really incredible if they'd just look past her looks rankles with me a lot.

LegacyUser

Addle wrote: »

How can there be chemistry if you don't find her attractive?
There's nothing wrong with finding someone who isn't your usual type attractive.

Maybe chemistry was the wrong choice of word...you know when you just instantly "click" with someone and you know you could just chat away for hours of great conversation without missing a beat or the slightest awkwardness...whatever that's called

LegacyUser

Sorry about that wrote: »

Are you beginning to get the feeling that she has the hots for you and you think you might have inadvertently led her on? If so, that’s also ok, it happens.

I haven't been particularly flirtacious with her or anything but as I was saying there's a definite chemistry between us so maybe I think she feels the same and I might be feeling guilty for subconsciously mugging her off or something? I like this girl and would hate to see her treated poorly, especially by the likes of me..

Mostly though I guess I'm disappointed in myself that I clearly do put more stock in what other people think than what I think is best for me...had hoped I was better than that.

joeguevara

You are in college so I presume you are late teens and early 20s. You are learning what you find attractive and it can challenge you. You are basing your feelings on what is considered attractive and maybe it scares you that you might now be maturing to make your own decisions.

Also if you like someone’s personality it doesn’t mean you have to like them romantically. Don’t be hard on yourself and just enjoy what you like.

Also I found out that someone’s personality can make them the most attractive person and blows your mind because it wasn’t what you thought. But don’t do something because you think you should. Hope that makes sense.

Big Bag of Chips

If you really like her, think she's amazing, feel attracted to her, and the only thing holding you back is what other people might think of you for going out with her, then I suggest you give it a go.

She might not be the standard 'beauty' (those girls that all look like!) but if she is genuinely as amazing as you think she is, then others will also see that as soon as they meet her.

Another thing to consider is people really don't put as much thought and opinion into us as we imagine they do. So say for example when she first meets your cousins, (getting way ahead of ourselves here, but anyway..) their first fleeting thought might be, "Oh, she's not his usual type". Then they'd carry on their night talking to her, talking to each other etc. And more or less forget you and her once you've left. Maybe if someone mentioned "did you meet John's gf" then someone might remark "yeah, she's lovely. Not his usual type but really nice" and again conversation would move on.

People have too much going on in their own lives to really bother being all that bothered about other people's love lives.

If you think you'd be embarrassed to be seen with her then I suggest you back off and put a bit of distance between you. It's not fair on her, even as your friend, if she ever senses that you'd be embarrassed by her. If your only worry is what others might think, then you need to realise others don't think as much as you'd imagine!

Alf Veedersane

Puddle1711 wrote: »

...but the idea of them or my cousins/whoever talking about me and how I'd "settled" for this girl who's really incredible if they'd just look past her looks rankles with me a lot.

Then you really need to address why this is and why you let it override what you'd actually like to do.

It may be something that changes as you get older when you realise that real friends would actually just be happy that you're happy.

QueenRizla

I dunno, I think if you fancied her enough you wouldn’t be concerned about the other people bit.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

Puddle1711 wrote: »

And don't get me wrong I'm not some ultra conformist by any means, if anything I'd stand more on my own than any of my friends in my main group...but the idea of them or my cousins/whoever talking about me and how I'd "settled" for this girl who's really incredible if they'd just look past her looks rankles with me a lot.

OP, the only time you sound shallow is when you suggest that only some drop-dead gorgeous girlfriend is worthy of you, and anything else is "settling."

As for your friends and family, you shouldn't date someone to impress other people. This isn't about getting their approval. It's about your happiness.

I'd suggest that this girl is growing on you, but you're resisting making the next move because she's not your usual type, physically speaking. But I'd say that if you like her, go out with her. See how it goes. You're young and in college, and what do you have to lose?

Sorry about that

Puddle1711 wrote: »

I haven't been particularly flirtacious with her or anything but as I was saying there's a definite chemistry between us so maybe I think she feels the same and I might be feeling guilty for subconsciously mugging her off or something? I like this girl and would hate to see her treated poorly, especially by the likes of me..

Mostly though I guess I'm disappointed in myself that I clearly do put more stock in what other people think than what I think is best for me...had hoped I was better than that.

“The likes of me” jumped out of your post there OP. You’re a good guy, that’s obvious, otherwise you wouldn’t be stressing so much about your feelings and behaviour towards your friend.

Is this worry about the girl a symptom of a bigger problem? You say you’re disappointed in yourself for being preoccupied by what other people think; do you find these thoughts intrusive? Honestly, most of us would give only a little time to thinking about this, and have an eye out for the next potential partner!

If you really have this distorted view of yourself over this very normal situation, it might be an idea to speak to somebody about it; maybe your GP, because there’s just something a tiny bit “off” about the whole thing (not you, but the level of stress it’s causing you). Best of luck.

JustAThought

Don't be overanalysing it. You like her, you get along great, you're friends of friendly. You're not attracted to her physically. Same with zilluons of other people on the planet and they just get on with theur lives. Just because you know her and yiu're friends dons't mean you should or have-to date. Stay friends and move aling on yiur journey to finding someone else you'd like to date. Its not a mental health issue its a preference issue. Some people just prefer carrot cake to chocolate cake. Don't be puttig yorself down and callung yourself names because you have a dating preference. You can be friends. You dont have to have sex with all your friends and not being turned on by them dosn't make you a less worthwhile person.

dudara

khaldrogo wrote: »

Physical attraction is massively important. Don't be worried about the PC brigade. Do what you want.....

Less of the “PC brigade” nonsense please.

dudara

Ursus Horribilis

If you don't find her physically attractive, then don't try to talk yourself into going out with her. One person's sex god is another person's chopped liver. I'm showing my age now but I remember Brad Pitt being voted the sexiest man alive and women swooning over him. I find him about as attractive as Donald Trump. We all like what we like and I don't think it's shallow.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Do you fancy her? Get excited when there's physical contact, like looking at her, want to ride her?

It's actually hard to tell from your posts, and I almost think that you're so hung up on what people think of you that you might actually be unclear on that very simple question.

Not wanting to have sex with someone who's nice doesn't make you shallow. Shallow would be going out with someone you think is horrible and stupid because they're hot, shallow would be being great friends with this girl but refusing to be in photos with her because they wouldn't look good on Insta.

It's hard to get a handle on the situation when you say she's not overtly unattractive but not the type you usually go for. That could mean anything! She's blonde and you go for brunettes, she's overweight, she's just not very groomed, she has a goth/alternative style, she's a massive culchie, anything!

You mention being worried about your cousins reactions and comments, do you come from a family that's very judgmental and pass remarkable and feel that's at odds with your own values? You seem very concerned about how this reflects on your character. If you dislike this about yourself then identifying it and working through and changing it is good.

And if you are attracted to this girl this could be part of starting that. But if you're not, don't go out with her. Ease up on yourself a bit too, to be honest you're veering into self indulgence a bit there with the "Oh I'm such a **** and she's amazing". The 2 possible scenarios are you aren't physically attracted to someone who's very sound, or you're concerned about the the judgement of your peers if you ARE attracted to someone who's sound. Come on. You haven't killed anyone.

ginandtonicsky

Are you sexually attracted to her? Do you feel an impulse to touch her when you’re near her, do you think about kissing her, getting physical?

Your post is all over the place. You’re not attracted to her and yet you have chemistry? On first read it sounded like she’s a good mate, you click and you have some weird notion that because she’s female, you should want to be with her, but she’s not hot enough for you. Is that it?

You do realise it’s ok to click with members of the opposite sex without having to move things in a romantic direction? Even if you suspect someone is into you? Friendships should and will happen with women throughout your life, just as some women will feel things for you that you don’t reciprocate. It’s happened to me and most women down through the years. Guys that are like brothers that felt something that I didn’t. Either a mature conversation was had where I expressed that in as kind a way as possible, or nothing happened and the fella moved on or whatever. That’s life. It doesn’t make anyone shallow.

If it is a case that you ARE sexually attracted to this friend of yours, but some notion of her not being your usual standard of “hot” and how that might affect your reputation - well then yes, that is shallow. That’s reflective of a type of frat boy speak where women are “10s” and you’re somehow “the man” if you’re hooking up with the class hottie. Very juvenile and worth trying to get over now because it’ll win you no favours with women in your life.

When you get a bit older you’ll realise that truly connecting with another human is quite rare and their appearance is a small part of the package. But yes they do need to be sexually appealing to you as a vital piece of the puzzle, so I’d start with figuring out your actual feelings for your friend before you proceed in any direction.

LegacyUser

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

If it is a case that you ARE sexually attracted to this friend of yours, but some notion of her not being your usual standard of “hot” and how that might affect your reputation - well then yes, that is shallow. That’s reflective of a type of frat boy speak where women are “10s” and you’re somehow “the man” if you’re hooking up with the class hottie. Very juvenile and worth trying to get over now because it’ll win you no favours with women in your life.

When you get a bit older you’ll realise that truly connecting with another human is quite rare and their appearance is a small part of the package. But yes they do need to be sexually appealing to you as a vital piece of the puzzle, so I’d start with figuring out your actual feelings for your friend before you proceed in any direction.

You're right I am a bit all over the place with what I think I want/feel in this situation. Honestly I am fearful that it is that kind of frat boy type thinking that you refer to...that said, I'm not sure that I am physically attracted to her...like I could see myself kissing her but I don't know that I'd sleep with her if that makes sense.

Sorry if I'm coming off kind of vague but I'm genuinely having trouble verblising my feelings about it all

joeguevara

Your post smacks of the old joke. My girlfriend is like a Honda 50. Great ride but I wouldn’t want my friends to see me on it. If someone makes you happy real friends will be happy for you. Those that aren’t aren’t friends.

But you seem more worried about your reputation which means that this isn’t right. College years are supposed to be fun but you are bordering Holden caulfield style paranoia. You don’t have to be with her. So don’t. You are not a piece of sh1t. Maybe she has only a passing interest in you and you are building it up as if she is waiting to be betrothed. Enjoy being young. Enjoy making mistakes. Don’t worry what friends think. Treat people with respect. Whatever happens will happen.

Big Bag of Chips

Have you ever had a good female friend, OP? I think that's what's happening here, and you just don't recognise it as a friendship. When I went in to 1st year of secondary school I immediately clicked with a fella in my class. It was almost instant. We were great pals the whole way through school and there was something between us that allowed that. But in 5 years of school we never so much as held hands! I was as much 'one of the lads' to him as, well, one of the lads. We never ever even slightly fancied each other. We were just really good friends. When we left school we lost touch, but would occasionally see each other and it was always like nothing ever changed. I recently met him for a night out and our friendship was as easy as it was 25 years ago.

I have enormous affection for him, and he me. But it doesn't go, and never has gone, beyond friendship. But there was never any confusion for either of us. We didn't fancy each other. Do you fancy your friend? Or are you confusing platonic friendship with romantic feeling?

StinkyMunkey

Op your not a shallow person, the simply proof of it is this thread.

From what you have said, you do in fact find yourself attracted to this girl, you just haven't admitted it to yourself yet.

Imho there can be no "chemistry" without attraction (of the romantic nature that is).

Do you find yourself looking forward to seeing this person, while in a group do you find your drawn to this person, would you be upset if they started seeing someone? These are just some of the questions you should ask yourself. If the answer is yes then you need to be honest with yourself.

Do yourself and this girl a favour, stop worrying about what others think to the level where it stops you making good choices. You will never stop worrying to some degree, the world and peoples lives will carry on regardless of how you proceed.

She sounds like a lovely girl, do yourself a favour and go for it

Daisy78

Are you sure this girl is interested in you? She might not be!! You could spend all this time thinking about getting with her/ not getting with her and she might have no attraction to you in the slightest. You might also be in the friend zone!

BBFAN

I don't know OP, I've met couples and thought "jaysus I'd never put them together" and yet within 5 minutes in their company you just know they're perfect for each other.

It's rarely in life we "click" in that way with someone. Go for it I say fcuk the begrudgers.

Emme

OP you're not attracted to the girl physically. Fine. Other people will be so move on and find somebody you're attracted to.

seamus

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Have you ever had a good female friend, OP? I think that's what's happening here, and you just don't recognise it as a friendship.

I think this is bang on the money tbh.

It sounds like the OP has really clicked with this girl, but something in head is telling him, "Right, seeing as she's female, now you have to go out with her, that's the rule".

Men can be really good friends with women, without it becoming a romantic relationship. Despite what many people would otherwise believe.

OP, my suggestion would be to stop thinking about the future of this relationship, and just enjoy the friendship that you have at the moment. Over time if you develop deeper romantic feelings for her, your concerns about what others think, will be irrelevant to you.
If you just develop a stronger friendship, then great, you've got a good friend.

The only way you can "lose" here is by overthinking this and sabotaging yourself by putting some distance between you or forcing this to become a romantic relationship.

7znbd9xmoiupye

OP you just need to be your own person. to do as you wish without caring what people think. Don't do them for attention. Don't not do them because they will bring you attentio. You are young plenty time to learn. if you want to date her ask her. if not don't .Don't consider 'others'

LegacyUser

Ultimately I decided to leave things as they were.

A few days ago I was standing alone waiting for a mate in a random Dublin bar.

Then who suddenly crosses into my eyeline but her - she hadn't seen me.
Had to make a split second decision: put the head down and carry on with my banal night out with the lads, or go up to her.

I don't believe in it, but in the moment it felt like fate.
I sided on the latter.

Hours of great conversation later I kissed her fiercely. She asked me back to hers and I spent the night (and all the next day) there.

I'm seeing her again this Saturday.

I'm excited

Big Bag of Chips

So, do you think you fancy her?

ManOfMystery

Puddle1711 wrote: »

Ultimately I decided to leave things as they were.

A few days ago I was standing alone waiting for a mate in a random Dublin bar.

Then who suddenly crosses into my eyeline but her - she hadn't seen me.
Had to make a split second decision: put the head down and carry on with my banal night out with the lads, or go up to her.

I don't believe in it, but in the moment it felt like fate.
I sided on the latter.

Hours of great conversation later I kissed her fiercely. She asked me back to hers and I spent the night (and all the next day) there.

I'm seeing her again this Saturday.

I'm excited

Good for you

I think it's worth noting also that (in my experience at least) I've heard of many people who were maybe not hugely attracted on a physical level initially to their partners, but more so on an intellectual level etc - but then discovered as they spent more time together that the physical attraction grew. Substantially, in some cases.

Not everyone is blessed with striking model looks which make them instantly attractive to all round them. Some people are growers, perhaps not traditionally photogenic as such but attractive in their own way and as we spend more time with them those less obvious attributes become more apparent. You clearly have chemistry and compatibility here so my advice would be to take it slowly, and give it a chance to see if a natural physical attraction grows also.