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Wedding guests not giving gifts (Mod note in 1st post!)

teednab-el

I got married in the first few weeks of 2019 and going through the wedding cards and gifts there were at least 15 couples out of 300 people who didn't give a gift.

On the day we had a system in place that the groommen and bridesmaids give the cards directly to the mothers of the bride and groom and all people involved here were very responsible people and all cards went directly to the bride and grooms safe in the room. The system of cards going missing didn't occur because everyone was on the ball and I know that with the bridesmaids and groomsmen and both mothers.

However there were 15 couples in total that gave no gifts. Out of these 15 couples, 5 of them said they had gifts for us, which we haven't received yet (not going to, receive now).

1 or 2 guests turned up on the day with just picture frames (10 euro job) . I am not trying to sound like I'm miserable but it's bad form that 17 couples couldn't even cover the cost of having them there. People know the cost of things these days. At the end of the day we paid for them. They don't have to give anything I know but most people know thats pretty miserable thing to do and rude especially if they are going to drink eat and enjoy the entertainment at the bride and grooms expense.

Anyone have similar experience? And to those who say guests don't have to give anything. Have you got married recently and if so did you mind the experience of forking the bill for guests that didn't cough up the cash?

I'm sure there are many people on here who have experienced this and I know exactly what I'm talking about.

What did people do as a result as a matter of interest?

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Mod note: Why do threads like this get started in the middle of the night while I’m sleeping?! I’ve tidied up a couple of nonsense posts, and possibly against my better judgement, I’m leaving the thread open. But please remember to attack the post, not the poster!

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CoBo55

Witcher wrote: »

'Cough up the cash'

I love it...the mask slips

Sums it up really. Cash received didn't match the hotel bill, not a great way to start out in married life if you're expecting the guests to balance the books.

B_ecke_r

baby and crumble wrote: »

Ok well that's mad money (in particular for the booze) if you ask me, but fair enough. I also don't understand why you have to get new clothes all the time? Like, especially for the 2nd day?

500 was what we budgeted for the 2 days drinking based on the whole day and night when you consider most places it's well over a tenner for 2 drinks it's not that much,

RE the new shirt for the next day - this was a family wedding and I needed one to be honest - wouldn't always have this expense

the last time I had to buy a suit was €350 plus in M and S now obviously this wouldn't be a regular expense.

I dunno maybe I'm doing it wrong but I could not envisage any wedding where I would spend €100 for the day,

theteal

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

OP I hope your parents provided your husband with a decent dowry.

Or don't you follow that part of the lavish wedding tradition?

The OP is a dude

love_love

Getting married in a few weeks and fully expect there to be several friends who do not give any gift, as it is their first real wedding and would not necessarily know the "done thing" (I remember having to ask my parents what the norm was when I went to my first "friend wedding"). I'm glad of it because it means they can't stress themselves out over not being able to afford to get there AND a gift - our main priority is having our friends and family there to celebrate. It's weird to even articulate that because it seems like a given - there would be no other reason for us to have a wedding if it wasn't about who we were spending the day with.

I may be treading over well worn ground with my response but I really don't have the patience at the moment to read through any posts who may disagree!!

Edit: Not to imply we're holier than thou - we've put on our invites that if people want to give a gift, we'd appreciate cash, but basically tried to imply that we'd much rather nothing than a "token gift". People turning up shows that they care, I don't need a picture frame or an ornament to prove that.

GingerLily

theteal wrote: »

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

OP I hope your parents provided your husband with a decent dowry.

Or don't you follow that part of the lavish wedding tradition?

The OP is a dude

Boards users LOVE bridezillas, if anyone acts up its just assumed it's the Brides

Neyite

I'm guessing that with 300 there, many guests paid above and beyond the cost of their plate, so probably overall you weren't at a loss.

You are pissed off that you didn't get a generous present from a tiny handful and you are scathing about the cheaper presents you got. You try to dress it up as it being bad manners but in reality, the only person displaying bad manners and poor decorum here is you, I'm afraid.

I hope that someone in real life has a word with you before you embarrass yourself further by mouthing off about them and risk the extended family finding out the way you think of your guests.

obi604

L'prof wrote: »

Not that it matters but do the numbers again and come back to me

You had the below. ie. 50 as what they would pay the hotel. Gifts are the 28.3k

300 x €50 = €15k bill to the hotel. 283 x €100 = €28.3k leaving you with €13.3k for the rest of your “expenses”

Sinister Kid

I'm curious if the 300 guests were all full day guests or if some were just invited to the afters.
I hope the OP wasn't expecting gifts off guests only invited for the after!

I don't think I know 300 people never mind like 300 people!!

BettePorter

Op you're in for some shock if and when you start having kids !

Them wee bastards pay for nothin !

teednab-el

[Deleted User] wrote: »

seems a bit of a wind up

but at the same time

turning up to a wedding without a reasonable amount in the card isnt something id do myself

if you cant afford it you cant afford it. stay home.

Exactly and I agree with you.

teednab-el

robinph wrote: »

Your party, you pay.

Where did you get the idea that weddings were a ticketed event?

Well that's an insult by the guest to the bride and groom.

Tacitus Kilgore

teednab-el wrote: »

Exactly and I agree with you.

Classy -

"Come to my wedding, but only if you have enough money to spoil me because I'm a princess"

teednab-el

obi604 wrote: »

You had the below. ie. 50 as what they would pay the hotel. Gifts are the 28.3k

300 x €50 = €15k bill to the hotel. 283 x €100 = €28.3k leaving you with €13.3k for the rest of your “expenses”

Not everyone gave 100 so why are people working out the maths. It doesn't matter what they gave as money but Its the fact someone would turn up empty handed. I must try not giving a present at my next wedding. See how far I be respected for it. Seems to be OK to do it on here.

IJS84

We are getting married in 2020, we are choosing to get married, choosing the expense, choosing the location, and are in no way expecting our guests on the day to stump up for our chosen expense. We are also considering putting on our invitations that gifts are optional as its the presence of guests is more important to us then an actual gift.

Having been to a almost 10 weddings in the past 3 years and with ones that are coming up in our families before our own, we are well aware of the expense some people go to just attend the day before adding to it with a gift and do not want our guests to feel this pressure, but this is just our view.

I just find the OP as a money making/bill paying scheme to cover the costs that the couple chose to go to for their own day

pwurple

teednab-el wrote: »

Well that's an insult by the guest to the bride and groom.

Yes, listen... we know both of these to be true.

1) It's rude not to bring a gift to a party

2) It's rude to EXPECT a gift if you're a host.

Hibernicis

theteal wrote: »

The OP is a dude

And quite possible that the spouse was also....

My first time visiting this forum. Thought I was in AH. Where’s my coat.....

doiredoire

This thread reminds me of this scene from Curb Your Enthusiasm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eakJ06TTYPs

robinph

teednab-el wrote: »

Exactly and I agree with you.

So you'd rather not know your friends who are not sufficiently wealthy to meet the costs of your choice of wedding venue?

loyatemu

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

OP I hope your parents provided your husband with a decent dowry.

Or don't you follow that part of the lavish wedding tradition?

OP is the husband.

heretothere

I don't know how any one thinks they'll cover the cost of their wedding with gifts. The OP clearly did and is annoyed now that they didn't.

On a FB group I was a member of one girl was saying that on the day of the wedding they were relying on cards to cover the cost of the band/ DJ/ photographer. You don't need a big lavish wedding have one within your budget and don't expect people to cover the costs.

Also just wondering what age group did you start counting the 'non gifters'? You hardly expected a gift from you 21 year old cousin!

robinph

teednab-el wrote: »

Well that's an insult by the guest to the bride and groom.

It is significantly higher on the insult scale to be checking that every guest has spent sufficiently on their gift to you and be talking about it on social media forums. The "insult" from the person who turned up to your party to celebrate your life event with you and your significant other but happened to only spend a tenner on a photo frame is negligible relatively.

Misguided1

We got married in a hotel in the midlands and it meant that everyone who attended needed to stay in local accommodation or travel some distance home. We specifically said on the invites that wedding gifts are not necessary, that attending the wedding is a gift in itself (words to that effect anyway). You can't ask people to fork out on all the expenses that go with a wedding and then demand a wedding present.

We sent handwritten notes of thanks to everyone who attended the wedding, sent a card, flowers, gave a gift etc.

You want to share your wedding day with family and friends. That's it really. Counting the cash afterwards sounds a little disingenuous to me.

robinph

teednab-el wrote: »

Not everyone gave 100 so why are people working out the maths. It doesn't matter what they gave as money but Its the fact someone would turn up empty handed. I must try not giving a present at my next wedding. See how far I be respected for it. Seems to be OK to do it on here.

It clearly does bother you though or you'd not have mentioned it, or mentioned the photo frames.

irelandrover

teednab-el wrote: »

Not everyone gave 100 so why are people working out the maths. It doesn't matter what they gave as money but Its the fact someone would turn up empty handed. I must try not giving a present at my next wedding. See how far I be respected for it. Seems to be OK to do it on here.

But you also gave out about people who only gave you photo frames. So it's clearly about the money for you and not about people showing up empty handed

baby and crumble

teednab-el wrote: »

Well that's an insult by the guest to the bride and groom.

How?

You chose to have a big party.

You chose to invite 300 people.

Why in Gods name would you expect someone else to pay for something you chose to do? You don't have to have a massive wedding to be married in Ireland. You literally only have to pay for the license and a registrar. Every single other thing is a choice.

[Deleted User]

300 folk wedding, bums on seats job IMO, some analysis of the gifting to be fair. Did ye use excel or paper?

Large bottle small glass

heretothere wrote: »

I don't know how any one thinks they'll cover the cost of their wedding with gifts. The OP clearly did and is annoyed now that they didn't.

Dude you haven't a clue; economies of scale.

Fixed cost for a large or small wedding can be the same.(church, car, photographer, flowers all that b0llix)

When you ask 300 people you can use it as leverage with hotel to get cost per head down; as the 300 customers sorry guests will have hotel rooms booked out and they'll be paying 5.50 a pint.

You then get more gifts from your customers and a better margin.

You'll always get scumbags who won't pay. The modern equivalent of lads who'd hop a wall rather than pay into a game.

A fairly tight system so you have a visible chain of custody over the cash will help to keep this down
#freakonomicsmeetsirishweddings

Tukazahn

This happens often that they don’t give. I had the same. We were a little upset, but then we calmed down and laughed at it.

CoBo55

Augeo wrote: »

300 folk wedding, bums on seats job IMO, some analysis of the gifting to be fair. Did ye use excel or paper?

Excel all the way in its own "wedding" folder along with the "car" folder the "household expenses" folder... the....folder...

baby and crumble

CoBo55 wrote: »

Excel all the way in its own "wedding" folder along with the "car" folder the "household expenses" folder... the....folder...

Ah here now don't be slagging off spreadsheets, it's how i organise my life :P:P:P