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Wedding guests not giving gifts (Mod note in 1st post!)

teednab-el

I got married in the first few weeks of 2019 and going through the wedding cards and gifts there were at least 15 couples out of 300 people who didn't give a gift.

On the day we had a system in place that the groommen and bridesmaids give the cards directly to the mothers of the bride and groom and all people involved here were very responsible people and all cards went directly to the bride and grooms safe in the room. The system of cards going missing didn't occur because everyone was on the ball and I know that with the bridesmaids and groomsmen and both mothers.

However there were 15 couples in total that gave no gifts. Out of these 15 couples, 5 of them said they had gifts for us, which we haven't received yet (not going to, receive now).

1 or 2 guests turned up on the day with just picture frames (10 euro job) . I am not trying to sound like I'm miserable but it's bad form that 17 couples couldn't even cover the cost of having them there. People know the cost of things these days. At the end of the day we paid for them. They don't have to give anything I know but most people know thats pretty miserable thing to do and rude especially if they are going to drink eat and enjoy the entertainment at the bride and grooms expense.

Anyone have similar experience? And to those who say guests don't have to give anything. Have you got married recently and if so did you mind the experience of forking the bill for guests that didn't cough up the cash?

I'm sure there are many people on here who have experienced this and I know exactly what I'm talking about.

What did people do as a result as a matter of interest?

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Mod note: Why do threads like this get started in the middle of the night while I’m sleeping?! I’ve tidied up a couple of nonsense posts, and possibly against my better judgement, I’m leaving the thread open. But please remember to attack the post, not the poster!

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Mrsmum

FrancieBrady wrote: »

I was at a wedding in the US and we all chose from a menu what we wanted to eat just like you would on a night out. Full a la carte menu and everyone ate what they wanted to eat, not some mass produced lowest common denominator swill. Then each guest paid for it at the end.
Much better system imo, we gave a gift but there was no compulsion/expectation to.

Maybe you should consider this next time OP?

I really like that idea.

Alternatively how about the couple pay for absolutely everything for their guests, including accommodation. After all they are doing the inviting and guests shouldn't be in debt because of them. This would cut out people inviting their mother's first cousin once removed's sister's father's cat.

GingerLily

I still have to give a gift from a wedding as new-years!

I also am waiting on a gift from my wedding 18 months ago, they're good friends and I don't mind too much that we didn't receive it yet - it's a running joke at this stage! Their thank you cards for their wedding took two years :P

lazygal

None of our siblings gave us anything when we got married. I won't lie, this did annoy us because one or two kept going on about how they wanted to get us something 'special' and we had given them something when they got married. I know that might make us sound ungrateful but that's how we felt.

Some guests didn't give us anything either, and TBH this bothered us far, far less than the sibling thing.

We paid for our wedding, we weren't factoring in possible cash gifts to cover anything. We got some stuff that I wish people hadn't bothered with, it went to the charity shop and was a waste of money for them, they could have just given us a card.

Bannasidhe

StupidLikeAFox wrote: »

"Mam, why aren't you coming to my wedding?"

"A woman on the internet was being greedy son, I'd rather wash my hair"

I've been to Irish weddings son.

Tell me how

This thread is suitably depressing for a Monday morning.

I genuinely hope your husband/wife is on the same page as you OP as if he/she (like the majority here) think you are incredibly selfish then they are in for a tough life.

razorblunt

We didn't have any stipulation on gifts at our wedding but the invites stated gifts weren't expected, it was abroad so we weren't looking to turn a profit on the day, we wouldn't have the guest number to do that anyway vs the cost so no big deal for us.
The only process we had was all the cards went to the Best Man and he'd number them just so we'd know if one went missing.

Sure we were a few short (vs the guest count) but we didn't go into analysis mode to find out who, there were no breaks in the numbering so he got all that were given.

magic_murph

Some people are just cheap. Simple as that.

Sittingpretty

Did you actually do a checklist checking off names against gifts?

Maybe you should invoice the ones that didn’t pay their way.

Cakes and Ale

This might be better sorted on Twitter where you could properly call out all of these people who didn't bring anything.

messy tessy

FrancieBrady wrote: »

Why? It seemed to suit the 120-30 people there and it was just as good a wedding as any other I have been at. Everyone seemed happy. I had a sumptuous meal I actually wanted to eat - others didn't eat all that much, either because of budget or were not hungry.

How do you know paying for your own meal at a wedding suited everyone there? Maybe the people not eating much couldn't afford the sheer expense of that day, but still came out of misguided politeness.

Weddings are expensive enough without having to fork out for your food on top of everything else.

LouD2016

I hate this.
Im at the age now where all my friends are getting married. We have had so many the last couple of years. Many have been a good distance from home.
We choose to go because they are close friends and we would give the same amount in a card regardless where the wedding was. End of the day its their choice whether they pay 39e per head or 130e per head for their guests. It's not up to the guests to pay for the wedding. If you cant afford it and are relying on money in cards to pay for it all, choose somewhere cheaper.

It's polite to give a card and a gift but some people genuinely cant afford it. Weddings are costly before you even get to it. Clothes, accom, hair, child minding etc. You invite people because you want them to share a special day with you - not to make a profit.

I remember my cousin sitting down at a table at her wedding reception and opening all the cards and counting the money in them. IN FRONT OF THE GUESTS.
Never seen anything so unclassy in all my life

witchgirl26

OP you don't invite people and expect them to "cover their dinner". If you can't afford that big of a wedding, don't have that big of a wedding. Myself and my partner are hoping to get married next year and we're not counting on receiving any cash gifts to help fund it. We're more focused on who we want there with us rather than thinking about what they might give us.

Look fair enough that people should give something but given your reaction to the photo frames as well, it's a bit much. Maybe those individuals could just about afford to attend your wedding at a financially tough part of the year and thought a nice photo frame would be a good present if they couldn't give cash.

FrancieBrady wrote: »

I was at a wedding in the US and we all chose from a menu what we wanted to eat just like you would on a night out. Full a la carte menu and everyone ate what they wanted to eat, not some mass produced lowest common denominator swill. Then each guest paid for it at the end.
Much better system imo, we gave a gift but there was no compulsion/expectation to.

Maybe you should consider this next time OP?

Not standard in all the US to do it this way. My cousin is American and we went over and everything including dinner and drinks was paid for by the bride's family. That said it did end a lot earlier than Irish weddings (we were back in my aunts house by midnight!).

JustMe,K

messy tessy wrote: »

How do you know paying for your own meal at a wedding suited everyone there? Maybe the people not eating much couldn't afford the sheer expense of that day, but still came out of misguided politeness.

Weddings are expensive enough without having to fork out for your food on top of everything else.

Paying for your meal is one thing if you get to choose it, but at a wedding the bride and grooms choice of venue and food is pretty much forced upon you.

I'm glad I haven't been to a wedding where the bride or groom behaved like the OP. I am actually embarrassed for them - after getting married they should be in a blissful bubble instead of tallying who did and didn't gift accordingly on the day.

baby and crumble

This is exactly the type of attitude that appalls me.

OP we got married 15 months or so ago. We did keep a list of who gave what simply so we could mention it in the thank-you cards. I know there are a load of our friends and family who either are not flush with cash or saving for something, or about to start a family. I'd be MORTIFIED if they thought they couldn't come to our wedding, which is a party we wanted to throw for our friends to celebrate something lovely happening to us. We had a present list available if people wanted it (with stuff from a fiver in Ikea etc. that we really wanted) so folks could get us something small that they knew we wanted and would appreciate without breaking the bank. I was a bit embarrassed having the list but it went down a storm.

Honestly one of the best presents we got was a star trek themed pizza cutter. It's AWESOME and every time we have pizza I think of the lovely friend who got it for us.

I would always try and bring something to a wedding if we are lucky enough to be invited ( I LOVE a good wedding but most of my bloody friends are commitment-phobes or you know, have only been allowed get married since 2015!). Having said that I was invited to my friends wedding when I was unemployed and on the dole. I had no money to spare, I couldn't even afford to stay in the hotel for the night or to drink anything but water when I was there. So he got a piece of art that i could afford.

You'd want to cop yourself on, OP.

theteal

teednab-el wrote: »

Lads most of you here make me sick listening to ye. I didn't ask people to give more than expected but all you ask is for a bit of appreciation on the day. To turn up empty handed is an insult if you ask me and shows meanness. I think it's bad form and people on here telling me I'm a bridezulla come on guys would you go into a bar and take a drink without paying for it or go into a shop and get something without paying for it. Some of ye guys I just don't know what to say about ye but ye sound like miserable spongers as well.

I feel like I woke up today in opposite-land. Do you have guests over to your house dinner/drinks/whatever and charge admission? Yes it's accepted that people would bring a token gift for the host (and people did, the picture frames but apparently that's bad form to the OP) but again, I'd not be answering the door with my hands out.

Indeed, there is definitely some sponging going on here, OP, of that we're in complete agreement. Looking to have your party paid for :pac::pac:

FrancieBrady

messy tessy wrote: »

How do you know paying for your own meal at a wedding suited everyone there? Maybe the people not eating much couldn't afford the sheer expense of that day, but still came out of misguided politeness.

Weddings are expensive enough without having to fork out for your food on top of everything else.

There is your problem right there.
If you are only doing it to be 'polite' then don't go.

I asked people at the US wedding is how I know it suited everyone. The US guests thought nothing of it while the few Irish ones who traveled were as intrigued as I was about it but loved the idea of having a choice.
I guess you could say that 'weddings are expensive enough without having to' get your hair done.

baby and crumble

I've actually never understood how weddings are more expensive than other nights out? Genuinely. Surely at this stage most folks have a few outfits they could wear to a wedding? Ok, for sure if you need to arrange child minding and accommodation that does push it up but like... I still don't see where people get the €500+ figure per wedding from?

I'm genuinely interested.

Large bottle small glass

Hayley Rough Narrator wrote: »

I'm 10 years married and still waiting on some wedding presents from people. We're still the best of friends.
I've been been to their family weddings and given a present. Life's to short OP.

We got married in 2010. Never got a present from brother he just let it slide and I told him not to bother.

He got married 3 years later.

I asked him what they wanted. "Fcuk all i got ye nothing. It's your round get me a Guinness you miserable ba$tard "

We had a much much smaller wedding any maybe others did give anything but life is way too short and you never know what other people's circumstances are

B_ecke_r

seems a lot of people hoping they will break even on the cost of the wedding with the gift,

we're getting married in 2020 and the rooms are really expensive so I would be more than happy if everyone we invited stayed and had an absolute ball,

and if they can afford to give a gift then, happy days.

B_ecke_r

baby and crumble wrote: »

I've actually never understood how weddings are more expensive than other nights out? Genuinely. Surely at this stage most folks have a few outfits they could wear to a wedding? Ok, for sure if you need to arrange child minding and accommodation that does push it up but like... I still don't see where people get the €500+ figure per wedding from?

I'm genuinely interested.

last wedding I was at

€300 for present
160 x 2 for B and B
My Suit was covered
Dress - €100 plus
Her outfit the next day - ?
New Shirt for me the next day - €80 - €100
Make Up - ?
Hair - ?
Drinking money for 2 days for 2 people - €500?

Squatter

teednab-el wrote: »

Lads most of you here make me sick listening to ye. I didn't ask people to give more than expected but all you ask is for a bit of appreciation on the day. To turn up empty handed is an insult if you ask me and shows meanness. I think it's bad form and people on here telling me I'm a bridezulla come on guys would you go into a bar and take a drink without paying for it or go into a shop and get something without paying for it. Some of ye guys I just don't know what to say about ye but ye sound like miserable spongers as well.

If I promise to bring a gift, will you invite me to your first-born baby's christening party?

Ursus Horribilis

There have been times in my life when money has been tight and when attending a wedding has been something I needed like I needed a third armpit. I once had 2 family weddings (i.e. the ones that are harder to avoid) to attend in the same month as an unexpected big bill arose. I ended up giving less money than I'd meant to and chose to drive home rather than have a few drinks and stay over. I doubt any people in my circle knew that I was counting the pennies that month and that money was so tight. It's not the sort of thing people go around talking about. Maybe you should stop being so judgmental. A wedding is a bill and most people going to them would rather be spending their time and money on something more pleasurable.

0ph0rce0

baby and crumble wrote: »

I've actually never understood how weddings are more expensive than other nights out? Genuinely. Surely at this stage most folks have a few outfits they could wear to a wedding? Ok, for sure if you need to arrange child minding and accommodation that does push it up but like... I still don't see where people get the €500+ figure per wedding from?

I'm genuinely interested.

Hotel for a night , most of the time 2 - €200 - €300

I don't go to weddings every week - Put on a bit of weight, loose some weight that's a new suit - can do it cheap but can be anywhere up to €300 to €400
Do that for 2 folks, Women spending a fortune on hair and makeup.

Always down the other end of the country - €100 petrol in the car

Gift - €200

Drink - another few hundred

Child minder back home for 2 days another 100 or 200

Sure there is plenty more you could add

Bastard things cost thousands

messy tessy

baby and crumble wrote: »

I've actually never understood how weddings are more expensive than other nights out? Genuinely. Surely at this stage most folks have a few outfits they could wear to a wedding? Ok, for sure if you need to arrange child minding and accommodation that does push it up but like... I still don't see where people get the €500+ figure per wedding from?

I'm genuinely interested.

But the cost of a wedding is not just limited to the day. Hen parties, hen party accommodation, travel, food (if meal isn't until 6/ 7 you have to get food in between), accommodation, present for couple... The majority of weddings I have been to have not been in the same county I live in so I don't have the option of driving home after. Even if you don't get hair, makeup and new outfit if still is very expensive.

I am not complaining and some weddings I have been to have been absolutely brilliant fun but there is no denying this is a costly day out. I would never go to a wedding without a card & gift but attitudes like the one in the OP are hard to understand.

theteal

robinph wrote: »

Whilst we are on the topic, and with plenty of people saying that they wouldn't care if they had gifts of the correct value from everyone themselves... Is anyone going to admit to having committed such a high level crime as not having given a suitable value gift at a wedding previously?

The first wedding we were at after we emigrated. We gave a nice picture frame (definitely nice, I see it every time I'm in their house - they probably just put it out when I'm over

) and what we could afford at the time which was no more than £50 iirc - money was very tight at the time. I'm sure that's a derisory gift for some. He'd probably hit me a punch if I even broached the idea of not attending due to money.

lbc2019

I am so glad I am not invited to many weddings

B_ecke_r

reality is most people will bring a gift,

not bringing a gift is Scabby imo but EXPECTING a gift that covers a certain cost etc is as bad,

like going to a house party, if you bring a six pack and a bottle of wine is that all you're allowed to drink?

Mrs OBumble

OP I hope your parents provided your husband with a decent dowry.

Or don't you follow that part of the lavish wedding tradition?

neris

This has to be trolling. where do you get 300 people to attend a wedding

baby and crumble

B_ecke_r wrote: »

last wedding I was at

€300 for present
160 x 2 for B and B
My Suit was covered
Dress - €100 plus
Her outfit the next day - ?
New Shirt for me the next day - €80 - €100
Make Up - ?
Hair - ?
Drinking money for 2 days for 2 people - €500?

Ok well that's mad money (in particular for the booze) if you ask me, but fair enough. I also don't understand why you have to get new clothes all the time? Like, especially for the 2nd day?

0ph0rce0 wrote: »

Hotel for a night , most of the time 2 - €200 - €300

I don't go to weddings every week - Put on a bit of weight, loose some weight that's a new suit - can do it cheap but can be anywhere up to €300 to €400
Do that for 2 folks, Women spending a fortune on hair and makeup.

Always down the other end of the country - €100 petrol in the car

Gift - €200

Drink - another few hundred

Child minder back home for 2 days another 100 or 200

Sure there is plenty more you could add

Bastard things cost thousands

I just don't understand why people think you HAVE to spend hundreds/thousands though? like, I'm not trying to be funny, but no guest needs to get their hair and makeup done professionally. No guest has to get a new outfit every single time. No guest has to spend hundreds on booze. if you CHOOSE to do that, fine, but I've been to weddings where I've had great craic, looked great, felt great and I probably spent €100.

I freely admit i don't have kids though so babysitting/ childminding etc isn't something I have to worry about.

Sorry my comments are probably off topic but it does somewhat go hand in hand with the OP. Some people loose the run of themselves every time there's a wedding, and then moan about having to do it. Literally nobody has to go to a wedding and literally nobody has to buy new clothes for it.