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Am I a prude?

LegacyUser

I'm back in the world of dating after a long time spent single. OK, so I've been talking to 2 guys online lately.

Now I'm enjoying talking to both guys, but however both have kinda blind sided me having taken to call me a "filthy f*****g s**t" and "little w***e b***h" and other such similar names as to which I'm sure you can use your imagination.

The first guy also likes to keep telling me that he's going to make me his b***h, that I'm his sub and he's going to dominate me. How he wants to choke me and force his d**k on me until I choke on it. Honestly, straight away, I felt threatened and as though I would not feel safe in his company and its put me off meeting him indefinitely now.

The second guy has a thing for being called Daddy and likes to call me a "Good girl" he also likes to call me some of the above aforementioned, what I would deem derogatory and offensive names.

Now, I normally like to think that I'm pretty open minded, but I've been kinda shocked and blindsided by these two.

Maybe I'm just a bit too vanilla as everyone seems to have their kinks these days.

I don't think I'm a prude, but perhaps I am.

Part of me feels disgusted when these guys talk like this. Like it's all part of a dominant power play and they're trying to break me into submission.

Tbh, it feels a little degrading and demeaning to me.

Is this a common a common thing nowadays? I've been out of the dating world for a long time, so I don't know.

Do guys like this get off on humiliating and demeaning their partner, cause that's what it feels like at times.

Am I being too sensitive or is this just how things are conducted nowadays?

Not sure if I have the right to be feeling a little offended and well, dirty for no better other term.

I liked both guys personalities and we had mutual common ground and interests and all was going well until the above started. Its just make me see them in a different light now that isn't all that attractive and I'm not sure that they're qualities I want in a partner.

Is this normal behaviour for men nowadays? Am I the issue? There must be a majority of girls who seem to enjoy this seeing as how prevalent it appears to be.

I'm just not sure how to broach this without being a "spoil sport" or looking like some uptight "frigid".

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woodchuck

OP I don't think you're being a prude at all, but you do sound incredibly naive.

You mention looking for a partner. Of course some people have their kinks, but these two guys are are obviously only interested in sex! Guys who are serious about finding a partner don't send those kinds of messages to a complete stranger.

Personally I'd block them - if you just stop responding or try to be nice about cutting off contact, you'll probably be showered with abuse.

jimgoose

OP, this is NOT normal and these are not nice, normal, healthy chaps who are looking for the same sort of thing as you. Give them the road now.

dudara

I'd cut contact with both immediately. That's no way to be treated, unless that's what you're into.

My conversations with those guys wouldn't have lasted past the first time they called me a name. The fact that you've stuck around in the conversations has essentially given them free reign to continue to use this language.

Lesson for you - if you're not comfortable with a situation, walk away from it. There's nothing wrong with doing that. You're under zero obligation to have a conversation with someone who makes you uncomfortable. Someone with whom you're comfortable will come along.

NIMAN

<SNIP - not at the required standard>

Neyite

filthy f*****g s**t" and "little w***e b***h" and other such similar names

I refuse to be called names, even as jokes.

The first guy also likes to keep telling me that he's going to make me his b***h, that I'm his sub and he's going to dominate me. How he wants to choke me and force his d**k on me until I choke on it.

If that wasn't so scary it would be laughable - imagine the idiot that actually thinks this is a chat up line?? that's pathetic. But yes, no wonder you feel threatened and yes, do not meet him. Block that one.

The second guy has a thing for being called Daddy and likes to call me a "Good girl" he also likes to call me some of the above aforementioned, what I would deem derogatory and offensive names.

First bit, ok, a bit weird and niche but he needs to find someone who likes that as much as he does.

I'd throw them both back in the pool tbh. There are billions of men on the planet and the vast majority of them would not speak to anyone like that. It's not the end of the world if they decide you are uptight or a bitch or a prude - in fact, it speaks volumes for their inexperience and general view of women. You know that you are none of those things and that is all that matters.

When someone tells you who they are, pay attention.

dudara

@NIMAN - I’ve snipped your post as it was not a constructive or helpful post as is required by the charter. If you have concerns over a post, use the Report Post function to bring it to the attention of the moderator team.

dudara

ChrissieH

OP, I read your post in absolute horror - I haven't been single for a long time, but I wouldn't like to think that this is the norm for any single ladies out there now!! I'm no prude, but if my husband spoke to me like that, I'd kill him!! :eek:
There's a world of difference between talking dirty and being degrading & violent as the examples you've given..
Sexting should be about what both parties enjoy, it's not a platform for one person to dominate with what THEY like, while the other is potentially uncomfortable, so while I hate to ever put any blame on the innocent party in any situation, I do agree with dudara and woodchuck, that it's up to you to make your boundaries very clear and put a stop to these interactions.
It's really no different to being sent an unsolicited dick pic.

SusieBlue

As a single woman currently frequenting a few dating apps/sites, let me tell you this is neither normal nor common.

What websites are you using, OP? I only ask because it sounds like the ones you might be a member of are more "niche" and not representative of the general population.
I've had a few weirdos with poor social skills but nothing like what you've described here.

These men sound like they have no interest in you as a person and are only interested in dominating you and being violent and abusive to you. I strongly suggest you cease contact immediately.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

Amiaprude? wrote: »

Tbh, it feels a little degrading and demeaning to me.

Of course it does. That's because it is degrading and demeaning.

Do guys like this get off on humiliating and demeaning their partner, cause that's what it feels like at times.

Some men get off on humiliating and demeaning women, but the vast majority do not.

Is this normal behaviour for men nowadays?

No, it's not normal. I'm male, and I would never talk to a woman like that.

I'm just not sure how to broach this without being a "spoil sport" or looking like some uptight "frigid".

There's no point in "broaching the issue" with someone who is telling you that he wants to choke you, force his penis down your throat, and all manner of other disturbing, threatening fantasies. Just send them messages saying, "Sorry, I don't think I'm the kind of woman you're looking for. I'm not interested in continuing this conversation." Block them and move on.

Artifacting

No you're not being a prude. You've just been unlucky enough to meet two guys with some rather strange attitudes to sex and women. That's not how most guys behave and it's not normal.

I'd just tell them to jog on and go find yourself a nicer guy.

I'd also suggest maybe try joining more social things and meetups and so on and meet guys in the context of getting to know them as friends first and then ask them out. It's a better way to get to know people and you're more likely to meet someone you get on with.

Emme

OP you are not a prude. The website or app you're using sounds horrific. Block anyone immediately if they use abusive language or terminology towards you. Don't even respond to abusive messages, just block and move on. If you think they are a danger to others report them to the website admin. There was a high profile case some years ago where woman was killed some years ago by a man she met on a niche website.

Could you join meetup groups or clubs where you can meet people face to face?

wiggle16

That would be common if you were on some sort of fetish site. Unfortunately you simply seem to have encountered a couple of creeps.

You're not a prude. This isn't how most normal people behave. I have friends who are very into their kinks but they would not do what you've described. You've encountered a couple of creeps who wanted to indulge their fetish regardless of what you thought.

I wouldn't read too much into it. Just block these idiots and move along.

miamee

OP, if you are to continue using online dating sites or apps, you need to trust your own instincts. You also need to look after your own interests. Do you know what kind of man you are hoping to meet? Have these two guys met any of those requirements? Considering the messages they've sent and how those messages made you feel, I'm guessing they are not what you are looking for. I'd block/unmatch both. You are better off talking to no one than spending wasted time talking to people who have no clue how to respectfully interact with you.

hawley

Are you engaging in private chats OP, separate from the app, cos most dating apps have filters in place to weed out inappropriate language. You should block the two people who you are chatting to.

Idle Passerby

Rule number 1 of online dating is, know your own red lines and don't tolerate anyone who crosses them. When I was online dating I blocked a guy I'd been chatting to when he started telling me about how I'd be "getting the D". A total stranger I've exchanged a few casual comments with has no business telling me what he wants to do with me sexually and clearly has no interest in anything other than getting his rocks off so why bother. My example is far tamer than what you describe! Why are you tolerating such a lack of courtesy and respect from practical strangers?

hawley

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Rule number 1 of online dating is, know your own red lines and don't tolerate anyone who crosses them. When I was online dating I blocked a guy I'd been chatting to when he started telling me about how I'd be "getting the D". A total stranger I've exchanged a few casual comments with has no business telling me what he wants to do with me sexually and clearly has no interest in anything other than getting his rocks off so why bother. My example is far tamer than what you describe! Why are you tolerating such a lack of courtesy and respect from practical strangers?

There are plenty of guys out there who basically are trying to play the percentages in order to meet someone for sex. There are loads of ads online about how to meet easy girls on dating apps and bring them back to your place for sex on the first date. They tell fellas not to waste time chatting women up, just get straight to the point, what you want them for. Also says to try to look for certain types of girls and that you'll be successful on maybe one out of twenty chats. Loads of men just want to hook up with women, then post the video to porn sites without the girl's knowledge.

GingerLily

hawley wrote: »

Loads of men just want to hook up with women, then post the video to porn sites without the girl's knowledge.

That's beyond disturbing and disgusting.

Look out for yourself OP, there's a dark side to dating and a lot of pigs out there apparently if the above poster is to be believed

SusieBlue

hawley wrote: »

There are plenty of guys out there who basically are trying to play the percentages in order to meet someone for sex. There are loads of ads online about how to meet easy girls on dating apps and bring them back to your place for sex on the first date. They tell fellas not to waste time chatting women up, just get straight to the point, what you want them for. Also says to try to look for certain types of girls and that you'll be successful on maybe one out of twenty chats. Loads of men just want to hook up with women, then post the video to porn sites without the girl's knowledge.

That's completely illegal and not reflective of the intentions of the majority of men who use those sites/apps.
I don't doubt a portion of both men and women use them solely for casual sex and hookups, but that's completely different to what you are referring to.

To say that "loads" of men have that intention is both inaccurate and very offensive to the majority of males, who are just normal, decent, respectable human beings.

dudara

Folks - let’s not get into sweeping generalisations here. Keep it focused on advising the OP please

dudara

suicide_circus

unless you're actually in the act of some sordid hijinx, this kind of dirty talk to someone who is a total stranger is just embarrassing.

these men are perhaps not quite husband material.

PHG

Block them and move on.

This is not normal behaviour for anyone. You are not a prude, these creeps are just odd and you got unlucky with the 2 you started chatting to.

Plenty of decent guys out there and you will find them, just got to go through the idiots first.

Best of luck in the dating world OP, recently doing the apps myself and feel like better off going old school and having a chat in a pub or some other social setting.

PHG

Idle Passerby

suicide_circus wrote: »

unless you're actually in the act of some sordid hijinx, this kind of dirty talk to someone who is a total stranger is just embarrassing.

My thoughts exactly. It's like how a randy clueless teenager would chat someone up. Pathetic.

leahyl

This is very depressing and upsetting reading OP. I’m single and have used dating apps, although am off them at the moment cos I’m just sick of them, but i have never had any guy speak to me like that. The dating world can be extremely tough a lot of the time so you certainly don’t need this kind of behaviour. Definitely block these individuals immediately.

Rubberchikken

what decent person speaks to anyone like that especially someone they actually dont know and who hasnt, im guessing, asked to be called these words.

ive no experience of online dating but respect can and should be shown whether online or in real life.

wiggle16

hawley wrote: »

There are loads of ads online about how to meet easy girls on dating apps and bring them back to your place for sex on the first date. They tell fellas not to waste time chatting women up, just get straight to the point, what you want them for.

Lucky for the human race most men are not stupid enough to think that there's any stock to be put in that.

Loads of men just want to hook up with women, then post the video to porn sites without the girl's knowledge.

So say cheese, ladies!.... oh come on like.
OP, while there are a lot of weirdos and pr*cks out there, they are not as common as scaremongering would have you think. A small minority of men engage in the inappropriate behaviour you've described, which ends up affecting a majority of women because these guys always have multiple victims and are rarely choosey. The "film you without your knowledge" man is not your garden-variety creep. That's extreme as well as very illegal.

Notice how the word "loads" is not quantifiable in this context. As another poster says, it's a massive disservice to men to suspect that this is what most men on dating sites are after. They're not.
I've met a fair few weirdos and creeps in my time but overall they were very much in the minority. Just use your common sense and trust your gut, and if you're uncomfortable with something, put a stop to it, block, delete and move on.

Once the words "no, go away" are a part of your vocabulary then online dating is to be seen as an opportunity, not a risk.

Mousewar

Amiaprude? wrote: »

Am I being too sensitive or is this just how things are conducted nowadays?

If it was how things are conducted nowadays would you then participate in it? You've good instincts - trust them and demand better for yourself. Even if something was the norm (and in this case it's not), it doesn't mean you'd have to accept it.

Calltocall

<snipped>

no this is definitely not the norm in how lads talk to girls, in fact it’s quite fd up, maybe in a serious relationship after time that would come out but to a stranger online that’s mental, change your dating sites if you’ve got not one but two onto you talking the same way

anewme

<snip> the obvious response to anyone sending this type of crap starts with f and ends with off.

wiggle16

Mod note:

Calltocall, anewme,

If you have an issue with a post please report it and bring it to the attention of the moderators. Please don't challenge the OP in the thread.

Thanks

Tired Gardener

You are not a prude, and that type of language/behaviour is not normal. Sadly some people approach dating sites with the sole intention of sex. These two sound like that is what they are after. Block them, and move on.

Some people adopt a 'shotgun' tactic of sending messages to as many users they can in the hope of getting a reply. Once they get a reply they tend to run out of things to say and take the subject to sex.

Online dating can be scary at times, and can also be very frustrating, but it can also be rewarding.

Trust your instincts, and remember that you are not obligated to reply or consent to anything if you don't want to.

Best of luck!