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Broke up with the GF - Devastated

PHG

Hi,

So I broke up with my girlfriend of nearly 4 years last week. We had been arguing a bit over Xmas and about every 4 months we would have a full blown one.

We met in Dublin when she was in there visiting people (she is from London) and ended up together. For a year I flew to London most weekends (she few the odd time) and she lived at home. After a year, I asked her to move over to Dublin as I wanted to be with her full time and the constant flights were starting to cripple me financially.

Anyway, we were meant to stay for a year and then move back to Dublin. Just before the move my mam was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer so I did not want to leave Dublin then. We were living with another couple for the first year but as she hated it we moved out to a one bed on our own. Financially this was tough. She still hated Dublin (she said she tried classes and to build a life but never went past 2 classes on anything). I work really long hours and due to a spinal issue need to go to the gym 4 times a week (she knew this before we moved over and said no problem). This means, Monday to Thursday tend to be a write off for me as I am not home until 9pm ish. We used to go on a weekend away or back to London every 6ish weeks and 2 big holidays a year too (I pay 70%).

We had amazing times in Dublin and amazing holidays but she always got upset with my work hours and always cried when another friend of hers got engaged or pregnant (the English seem to do this in mid/late 20s). This led to a lot of tension. She was bullied in work to and one day it all got to a head and she quit and flew home. She came back a week later and got a new job and was very happy in it. However, I had just been offered a new job in Europe (Dublin based but big promotion). My mam had just been announced stable (cannot be cured but held stable for a while) and said to take it and make a life for ourselves. My ex was originally so excited that we were going to live in another European city. We moved back to her parents in London and I commuted every week for 4 months living out of hotels and was wrecked. She came over to visit for 2 weeks and we got ourselves an apartment (paid for by my company bills included). So we can live rent free and no bills. After 7 days here we argued and she booked a flight back to London again and said she cannot live abroad again and needs to settle in London (cannot argue with that) but I called it off there and then.

She is 29, I am 31 and she said I am not committing and if we were engaged last year that she would have stayed. That it is such a compliment to me that she wants to marry me. She talked about so much over the last 3 years I did get dismissive of it. I was planning to get engaged on our big holiday this year. We had planned to buy a house in London towards the end of next year (easily done with current circumstances) but because we spent our savings on holidays before she says i'm a liar and that I cannot ask her to set up a life here and then again back in London in 2 years as she will unlikely get a job. We had also planned to start trying for a family then (I can see her point of view here!). That I did not realise she was suicidal in Dublin (I'm calling BS on that one as i don't think she really tried during the 2.5years).

I am very upset, cut off contact for the last few days too. In case you think long distance, due to timezone difference, by the time she finishes work if she were to fly out to me she wouldn't get here until 1am Saturday morning and back Sunday and buying a house after not living together for 2 years doesn't seem right.

She wants us to rent a 1 bedroom apartment in London but that is 1400 GBP min once bills are paid and will heavily eat into any house deposit over 2 years.

So I'm in a new city on my own (joined a few meetups) in what was meant to b our apartment a feeling like s**t. There is a lot my fault too but I cannot do 6 hours on a plane every week and as we do dates night once a week (would have to be Saturday), this means I would be eating out 7 nights a week for the next 2 years!! But I saw her as my future wife, partner and the person I wanted a family with. I did have doubt at times but now afraid of being lonely and never finding that person as will be 33 when back in London and too old (I know catastrophic thinking here) I will be moving back to London in 2 years anyway as that is where all my family and friends are so moving to London was never an issue in the medium term, was always the case.

Any advice appreciated.

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lainey_d_123

wiggle16 wrote: »

Not amazing at all. We're not here to pick his story apart. Unless it's outlandish or fishy, there's no reason not to take his issue and his version of events at face value.
An assumption based upon nothing. You don't know how either of them feel or felt. You can't.
Oh BOO-HOO. Who hasn't??
What about her feelings? So what? This is the OP's thread. Again, more assumptions.

Sorry, I thought this was an advice forum, not an echo chamber. He says he's devastated by the break-up. As a third party reading it, it seems like it was entirely instigated by him, and could be salvaged if he was actually interested in doing so. Some of the comments about the ex are really nasty and uncalled for.

1) you are making dozens of assumptions about how she feels and her state of mind, which you cannot possibly know. You have no idea what emotions she feels or felt, or if she was depressed and isolated.

He says himself she was bullied at work to the extent she went home because she couldn't take it anymore. She struggled to make friends and fit in. I don't think it takes a huge leap of logic to imagine how she felt.

2) the OP's ex has not martyred herself, she didn't "give up her life" for him - would you give it over. Moving abroad with someone is a choice you make, not the massive, selfless sacrifice you're making out. They're adults. He doesn't owe her anything.

And yet he's mentioned more than once the money he's spent on their trips abroad and so on, as if she's ungrateful. A lot of people seem to be good at only noticing what they put in and the sacrifices THEY make, while acting like the other person's efforts are nothing. She moved to Dublin purely for him, on the understanding it would be temporary. I get that his mam's health was a big factor here, but I don't think it's fair to say it was her choice. I imagine there was a lot of 'sunken cost' thinking going on - she didn't want to stay in Dublin, but she didn't want to throw away the relationship she'd invested in, which is totally understandable. And the not knowing how much longer it would be was surely very difficult as well. That's not a nice situation to be in, and you're being pretty callous about it here.

3) if the OP's ex ever does come to Personal Issues and starts a thread about what happened, you can show her as much empathy and solidarity as you want. This thread is about the OP and his issue, not his exgirlfriend's feelings.

I don't want to do a back and forth with you any further because we are getting off topic. You empathise with the ex-girlfriend, that's fine. Others don't, and believe the OP is better off because she treated him poorly. But this is the OP's thread, not somewhere for him to be berated by people who think he was a bad boyfriend.

I thought this was an advice forum, not a place for people to be told they're right and their ex is awful, but if that's the case, then sorry for ruining the party. I'm just pretty shocked by the OP's attitude to the whole thing, and that of other posters too. Tearing apart someone who spent four years in a relationship being promised something that never happened. I feel sorry for her, and if she does happen to read this thread, I hope she sees that at least one person isn't swallowing the idea that she's an awful person.

beauf

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

... it seems like it was entirely instigated by him, and could be salvaged if he was actually interested in doing so. Some of the comments about the ex are really nasty and uncalled for. ....

Sounds like hes mostly financing this, therefore is thinking of the long term financial planning. Which is basically work your ass of now, live somewhere cheap then have the means to fund a stable base in London in the future. That doesn't seem possible if he works less hours and rents (and works) in London. At least not starting off.

The alternative is just rent, and accept you can't buy a house for a long time if ever and have a different life/work balance. Because the only option available (and fall back position) is live in London. The partner is unable to live anywhere else.

lainey_d_123

beauf wrote: »

Sounds like hes mostly financing this, therefore is thinking of the long term financial planning. Which is basically work your ass of now, live somewhere cheap then have the means to fund a stable base in London in the future. That doesn't seem possible if he works less hours and rents (and works) in London. At least not starting off.

The alternative is just rent, and accept you can't buy a house for a long time if ever and have a different life/work balance. Because the only option available (and fall back position) is live in London. The partner is unable to live anywhere else.

Sure, but he hasn't just spent four years away from home. Yes, it is the logical thing to do, but the girlfriend might well be right in thinking she'd struggle to get a job upon returning to London. What about her career? Her needs? She could end up dependent on a man who hasn't made any kind of formal commitment to her. She just has his word that they're in this together, after he's already let her down on that end. She could spend two years with him in Europe at the cost of her own career, only for him to decide he doesn't want to go back to London after all, or dump her for someone else. It's baffling that nobody seems able to see this. Every single step of this relationship has been what suited OP best. When it came to honouring his part of the deal (moving to London), he unilaterally decided they weren't going to do that. And people are calling her selfish.

Ursus Horribilis

Does it really matter who's in the wrong now? They're broken up and when they were together, they couldn't make it work.

wiggle16

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Sorry, I thought this was an advice forum, not an echo chamber.
[...]
I thought this was an advice forum, not a place for people to be told their right

You say you thought this was an advice forum, but you haven't offered a single solitary bit of advice to the OP. All you've done is fought the corner of someone who presumably isn't reading this, berate him and say he cares more about money than his ex - that is very unfair.

As i've said, you have one opinion, others have theirs; this is not an echo chamber. The difference is that others have offered advice, you haven't. To say that the OP should not be believed as if his post is gospel isn't fair to him or helpful. You empathise with her, that's fine, but she's not his victim. She's a grown up and if she stayed in a relationship where she wasnt getting what she wanted and wasted her time, thats her own doing. He's not responsible for her. Theres a pair of them in it.

I suspect we would not differ on the main point, which is that they want different things and would be better off apart. I think she treated the OP poorly overall and sounds very selfcentred, and with his mother so ill he should be concentrating on that.

lainey_d_123

wiggle16 wrote: »

You say you thought this was an advice forum, but you haven't offered a single solitary bit of advice to the OP. All you've done is fought the corner of someone who presumably isn't reading this, berate him and say he cares more about money than his ex - that is very unfair.

As i've said, you have one opinion, others have theirs; this is not an echo chamber. The difference is that others have offered advice, you haven't. To say that the OP should not be believed as if his post is gospel isn't fair to him or helpful. You empathise with her, that's fine, but she's not his victim. She's a grown up and if she stayed in a relationship where she wasnt getting what she wanted and wasted her time, thats her own doing. He's not responsible for her. Theres a pair of them in it.

I suspect we would not differ on the main point, which is that they want different things and would be better off apart. I think she treated the OP poorly overall and sounds very selfcentred, and with his mother so ill he should be concentrating on that.

It's an alternative viewpoint. I didn't say she was his victim, I said he has wasted her time. It's easy now to say she should have left. Hindsight is 20/20. I imagine at the time, she was trying to be a supportive girlfriend, sacrificing present happiness for the sake of the future, only to find that when the moment came for her side of the deal to be honoured, OP once again decided to do what suited him better.

We'll have to agree to disagree, because I don't see how the girlfriend has objectively been self centred at all. I just see OP painting her as such by the way he's chosen to word things. Everyone is focused on his mam's health - yes, it is important, but EVERYONE has problems. The chances of the girlfriend having no personal or family problems or illness or deaths of her own over a four-year period are miniscule. Anytime OP talks about the girlfriend, it's as if she's just a prop in his life rather than a real person with her own needs, wants and problems. Not only is she expected to give up her whole home life to move to Dublin for three years longer than planned, she's also not allowed to be unhappy or complain or expect anything from OP? Just because his mam is sick, her entire life has to revolve around him AND she has to be totally happy about it, all the time? Give over.

Yes, I agree they're not suited, mostly because it doesn't seem like he acknowledges at all what she's sacrificed for him and dismisses her very reasonable concerns about fertility and engagement as her being childish and wanting them because everyone else has them. She's finally put her foot down and set boundaries regarding where they'll live and told him directly that she needs more commitment and his response was to dump her. OK. I think for next time around, he could do well to remember that his partner's needs and feelings matter, too.

PHG

Hi Lainey,

You make some fair points, and I will try an answer below.

Moving
Before I met her she was trying to escape London anyway. She was planning to move to Dublin in the near future so even if we had not met there was a high probability that she would have moved there

Career
She always said she didn't really want a career and more into a 9-5 where she can come and go as she pleases. She will admit that her job in London was not great. When she moved to Dublin I organised a career coach to help her get off the ground and help with a job. Yes she was bullied in work and she would be home in tears. I spent many a night consoling her and asking her to get a new job, but didn't until the storming off to London

Support
I always supported her to join new things, I know money but I even offered to pay for classes she wanted to go to and really pushed joining groups. She did and got real momentum for 5ish months then stopped as one of them went badly. We had an argument when she stormed to London. I flew over to help get her back. I had organise couples counselling for us and she wouldn't go.

When she was bad before I organised counselling, she went to one session said I was great then never went back as he Mam said make sure not to tell anyone about it. When we learned about the new city she said she would love to do a course in a particular field. Not once did she google it, I got all the information for her and contacted the company. She was delighted and excited about it but never followed through and if it was full time it was fine also.

You are correct in that I should have been more considerate but what could I do in Dublin with my mam that way? She has no sick relatives and sees them frequently. We had her friends fly out to s and we always flew back for weddings or parties.

As for her career, I talked to people in work and they said they know people in the fields she wants to get into and can help and was told that my work cannot control her like they control me. I try to help at every step (I am likely not communicating it right). I was planning to get engaged her and offered her the promise ring until the engagement (I told her it was likely this year).

We have texted and spoken over the last few days and it has gone horribly so its dead in the water.

beauf

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

.... he could do well to remember that his partner's needs and feelings matter, too.

It won't pay the bills.

You think they should move to somewhere (London) where they were struggling financially not because it makes sense but because shes doesn't want to be anywhere else.

Ursus Horribilis

Sometimes loving somebody isn't enough to keep a relationship going. Our OP and his ex aren't bad people but they're just too different to make this work. She sounds like somebody who needs a different type of boyfriend to who our OP appears to be. They also appear to have different outlooks on life and different values. They're like oil and water and are better off staying split.

LirW

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Sometimes loving somebody isn't enough to keep a relationship going. Our OP and his ex aren't bad people but they're just too different to make this work. She sounds like somebody who needs a different type of boyfriend to who our OP appears to be. They also appear to have different outlooks on life and different values. They're like oil and water and are better off staying split.

Wanted to say the same, there is no point in overanalyzing the last couple of years when it boils down to them looking for very different lifestyles.
The OP is striving for a career and has no problem moving around for it, working long hours and occupy a lot of his headspace with work. He needs a partner who is fine with all that, some aren't and your ex is certainly not, she would prefer someone who's more of a family man, commits a lot of his time to his children and wife.

Sometimes love can't hold together a relationship of 2 people that aim for very different goals. Take your time to heal from this and then reflect and learn from it, I bet you're coming out of it with a better idea of what you're looking for in a partner.

PHG

So thought would give an update.

Since the horrible phone argument last weekend I have made no initial contact. She rang me Monday but I was out for lunch with clients and couldnt take a call. I asked her was she ok and she said she was ringing for answers but to ignore it. I asked again and she said ignore so I have.

I find myself checking if she is online and had a few fb posts appear on my timeline from her which was tough. At times I find myself about to write Hi in a text but stop myself. And the lack of sleep and food at times is awful! I really look like crap atm and been told in work a few times.

On a positive note, I joined Meetup and been to 3 meets and met people from all over the world. I even bumped into a guy from primary school last week and met him last night for the rugby. Been out a good few times and now seem to have 3 friends here (which I would not have had if I was in the realtionship). Have also booked a 2 week holiday to Vietnam with a group of solo travellers. I purposely booked it during her birthday to force myself not to think about it. Back in the gym too!

Its not getting any easier but hopefully the sadness, loneliness and pain will gradually pass. I still miss and love her like crazy and still hope (I don't know why) that we can sort it out. Its the knowing we were so close to settling down together next year and having the house, wedding and kids, but nothing I can do now and cannot throw away the opportunity here. That said even if I went back its unlikely she would say yes.

Thanks,

PHG

PS On a side note I have booked some counselling sessions to help with this too. I have had it before and realised it won't do any harm

Mr. Incognito

Well done OP.

I have to say from your update it sounds like you were a good chap.

People need to help themselves and stand on their own two feet.

Lots of red flags for me there. Gestures are not flowers, they are small things. You were not doing small things. You were subsidising her lifestyle and her holidays and every time she had a problem she went running home to mammy who told her not to go to Counselling.

The break up seems to be handled in a similarly childish way.

The issues at work and not engaging with Counselling are pretty big red flags also.

In short you need someone who complements your life not complicates it. You seem to have been spending enormous time and resources into doing basic things for her that an adult in their 30s should be capable of resolving.

Date someone actually independent for 5 minutes and you will see the difference is night and day.

Keep positive and good luck with the trip.

My advice is to cut the social media cord for a few months. Delete your facebook or deactivate it for a while. Much better for the mental health all round. That way you are not checking her feed or running into dramatics if you block her for example.

Toots

Or if you don't want to delete your FB completely, mute her or block her so her stuff isn't popping up on your timeline. I'd be tempted to block her on all methods of contact, TBH. What do ye really have left to say to each other?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

You sound like you're handling it all pretty well OP.

One bit of pretty trivial advice: MAKE YOURSELF EAT. You're working long hours in a challenging job, you've been hopping around Europe for the past few years, you're hitting the gym and you have a big trip to Asia coming up, you have to eat or you'll end up ill.

I also go off my food when I'm going through emotionally difficult things and I speak from experience! It's related to the not sleeping too, of course part of that is emotional but it's also just physical, a hungry body has a harder time sleeping.

PHG

Hi,

So thought would do another update.

We stopped talking for 10 days and then contact was on and off but always ending in an argument. Every time we have talked she has said she has to deal with so much drama at home and unable to take it all in. Her Nan was rushed to hospital and she told me it was the beginning of the end. I asked will she leave hospital or go to a home and just ring if you need anything, she said she is beside her sitting on the couch at home (it was stress) but still high drama that she says she is dying!! She still claims to have been suicidal in Dublin but didn't need counselling as you can deal with those things internally. I took anger to this due to my previous issues and those I know close to me who have been there. We argued some more and she claims that she may not be safe here with Brexit, here is one of the most liberal places in the world and barely any crime. She also said once it came out i should have married her for to get an Irish Passport. Three of her grandparents are Irish!! I said why haven't you got it through them, and her response is I have been waiting for my sisters application to go through for the last year and see the process. When asked where is the application, she said in a drawer at home and her sister just hasn't had the time or money to do it. I offered to help and pay for it and she pay me back but no, she needs to see how her sisters goes first.

Last Sunday week she said she was getting nowhere job wise but I went back to London at the weekend and we met face to face. In a week she told me she is now inundated and so many offers to build her career. That she has a potential offer to start next week helping to build app software. This caught me off guard as she struggles with excel. I then asked how do you mean helping and thought you wanted to go back into media. I am not slagging off the job but she said she is going in as the secretary and they promised to help build her career in app development after doing at least one year as the secretary. Again, nothing wrong with the job, its just the same story and drama over and over again. I felt sad for her then as she falling for the same line from recruiters again!

She pushed for me to live in London, I said no and i pushed for her to move here and she said no as she said she is herself again here (I cannot argue with that). I said in 16months time we will both move back to London, have a 15% deposit for a house and enough to get married but she said not good enough. That we should rent in a 1 bed ONLY, I had suggested a flat share or live with her parents and pay them a subsidy but she said no. I told her we would have a house in London over 400k GBP, money for a wedding, Emergency fund and our life and future kids life would be secure. i also said i would pay for her flights back to London with me once a month. She said she would not get back in time for gigs on Friday night. The flight arrives in at 6.45pm!!! From June 2020 I would do one week here, one in London and work 2 days a week from home instead of the London office too. But I only get the following responses

- I sacrificed living in Dublin 2 years extra for you, now it is your turn
- I have one friend who does this travel on a train to Scotland each week and its 7 hours each way on a Sunday and Monday, why can't you do that
- I deserve to be happy and am someone who deserves to be loved etc.
- You earn so much money, it shouldn't matter to you the cost of the apartment
- Why can't you see life is too short and just live life, instead of thinking about all the other stuff and just go with the flow and enjoy life and we can rent and live
- I wont be mentally stable there, my future is here in London and need to be here to support myself and cant do it elsewhere

I have tried explaining that international experience and working in a job here looks better on the CV. That she would be likely to get a better job here in the area she wants (due to networks I have built up through meetups) and could push on again when we go back to London next year but she said no. She said she thought she would be married, own a house and be pregnant by now and will lose her family and friends if she moves to here. She has been out a lot having fun in London since the break up, but that's just the initial friends helping out. It will likely be rinse and repeat in a few weeks from a few years ago and she already saying staying at home is tough. I have had the same with my friends and family but that will decrease. She is sad cause nobody will go on holidays with her either. I told her we could still go to Sri Lanka and Vietnam over the next 2 years as planned and get the deposit and wedding but no again.

I now feel sorry for her that she cannot see more than 2 months ahead. I said, if you are that inundated, come out here and try it for 3 months, if you don't like it you can go home and still be inundated, but she said she will hate it here, she just know it and if we break up after 3 months she won't have money to buy herself stuff for her birthday.

I am no saint and looking back i did not give her enough attention. Her lack of drive was a big turn off for me and i really struggled with all the drama. It did put me off her a bit and that would have shown in how I interacted with her definitely. I did say no to doing little things too often too, maybe i had started to see the end of it and I told her how sorry i was for upsetting her and not showing that i may not have bothered ot cared enough. I do think now we would have fizzled out over a few years and best now with no kids or marriage but it still hurts both of us like crazy.

I have lost 4kg in weight and slept for more that 4 hours for the first time last night since the breakup. Meeting her at the weekend and seeing how childish she still is helped with closure. I don't even think I would swipe right for her on Tinder now. I have taken the advice above and deleted her and all her family from FB. My brother told me she has done the same and it is time now to try and move on. I don't mean to have a go at her, she is nice and caring and loving but too controlled by her family. The first night I met her Dad he told me "She likes a champagne lifestyle on a Coca Cola budget", and maybe this is true. I have had her cry to me that she can't afford All Saints clothes, the holidays she deserves etc. twice since I last posted. Nobody deserves that stuff, you got to earn it.

I need an independent woman and free thinker who can challenge me and vice versa. She still claims to be a strong independent woman but I cannot see that anywhere! I am going back to Ireland next week to see my parents as haven't been home in 5 months, then, a few trips to family in London, a stag on what was our anniversary in Scotland, a new friend from Latvia so a trip to Riga and maybe a trip to Moscow too. I will still buy an apartment on my own next year in London, that's the goal and it won't change. The budget will have to decrease a little but that is ok. I will by returning at 32 and buying in a few months later just after my 33rd birthday. I am proud that I have worked my ass off to get where I am but still scared that i don't have time to find that person and share those experiences with. Hopefully the constant sick feeling goes away soon too!

Thanks,

PHG

Ursus Horribilis

The more you tell us about this relationship, the more I think you have had a very lucky escape. I think you'll come to realise this in a more profound way once you start moving on from this. She sounds like a high maintenance headwreck who'll never be happy no matter what anybody does for her. It's all high drama and unrealistic expectations and expecting other people to hold her hand and do things for her. I hope you keep to your word and cut all contact permanently. You've clearly got a lot going for you and you'll be a great catch for some nice young lady out there.

LolaJJ

Hey OP

Thanks for the update. Honestly, it sounds a little bit as though she is just completely and utterly focused on her own needs and how to get what she wants. The common theme in all of your updates and detail is the compromising you have done to satisfy her. It does sound as though there is a portion of you that would like to figure out a way to make this work....which I think is born from your will to end the break-up pain that you're currently feeling, and possibly not actual logic which is sometimes difficult to apply to these situations.

I think it might help you to make a list of all the compromises and sacrifices you have made to date to keep the relationship going and also the sacrifices you would now be willing to make to get things back on track. Then make one from her point of view and see if it is fair. From what you have said to date, I have a feeling it might not be

Toots

I know you mentioned in your post that you've blocked her on Facebook, but I really think you need to fully cut contact with her. There's nothing left to say, and leaving her with an option to get in touch is not going to be good for you in the long run. I know her nan is very sick, and that is awful, but it's not your responsibility to support her through this. She has other family to do that.

Block her on you phone, on WhatsApp and on email. You can't move on if you leave the door open for her to contact you whenever she feels like starting a bit of drama.

ChrissieH

Hi PHG,

I agree with Toots in regard to not being in touch with her again, regardless of her grandmother's health - I don't want to sound callous, but you weren't married or living together / with her family for a significantly long period of time that the illness of an ex's grandmother should be a reason for keeping in contact; it could end up being a convenient excuse for her to get in touch when she feels lonely.

To be really blunt, she sounds like a bit of a spoofer - between the crap about the Irish passport and then the job, not to mention that she thinks it's realistic to be able to earn great money for holidays and fancy clothes but also just live in the moment and not plan for the future - there's no real intelligence or logic behind the things she talks about and by the sound of it, you are the polar opposite. I do understand that that might have been part of the appeal for both of you - a yin and yang situation can be great, but not when it comes down to fundamental life decisions, so I think this has been a fantastic learning opportunity for you; as you've said, you can now clearly see what type of person is the best match for you, and when you've recovered and grown from this heartbreak, you'll be even more sure of what you want for yourself.

wiggle16

PHG wrote: »

I am no saint and looking back i did not give her enough attention

Ah I doubt any amount of attention would be enough for this girl and I doubt anyone would be capable of providing the amount she requires.

When you originally posted, a few of us made the point that she sounds like someone who will never be happy with what she has or what you give - your update pretty much confirms all of that. I don't think she can see 5 mins ahead of her face, let alone 2 months. The passport application issue is just more BS, like the promise ring. Her saying she was secretly suicidal in Dublin sounds like spoofing too - sorry, but she doesn't exactly sound like the kind of person who makes a secret of her feelings. She's also clearly exaggerating about the grandmother, who is hanging on by a thread, clinging to life... on the sofa at home....

OP, she doesn't respect your feelings enough to be honest with you about any of the above things and will tell you any old crap to elicit sympathy from you. You need to remember that any time you feel sorry for her.

As others have said, you need to cut contact with her and her family entirely - it will stop you from getting over it and moving on, and it's also feeding her need for drama.

Please make sure you eat properly too. That's a fair bit of weight to lose over a short period of time when you are not trying to lose weight. As others have said, you sound like a really decent guy with your head screwed on, any girl will be lucky to have you.

Good luck and take care

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I really wouldn't be worrying about not finding someone to settle down with. I mean, as much as women hate ambitious, solvent men in their early thirties who own their own apartment in London and want to get married and have babies I'd say you'll manage

dellas1979

You seem overly focussed on timelines.

You can have goals of course. But (to me) youve a bit of an unhealthy focus on when things should happen. Or maybe more the fear of what might happen if you dont achieve those things. Maybe it's a personality thing.

I would be quite goal orientated, but not going to drive myself nuts to get x at x age. The stress/pressure. But as said, maybe you handle that differently.

You want someone who challenges you? Challenge yourself first!

PS: No, I dont think ye are matched either. That's a lot of fighting for what ye both want. And no agreement on what ye want with each other. I think youd be mad to get married into that.

Keyzer

For what it's worth, you better off without this childish person. She sounds very immature and insecure, expects you to do everything, earn the money, buy her everything she wants and sacrifice whatever she deems fit.

lainey_d_123

LolaJJ wrote: »

Hey OP

Thanks for the update. Honestly, it sounds a little bit as though she is just completely and utterly focused on her own needs and how to get what she wants. The common theme in all of your updates and detail is the compromising you have done to satisfy her. It does sound as though there is a portion of you that would like to figure out a way to make this work....which I think is born from your will to end the break-up pain that you're currently feeling, and possibly not actual logic which is sometimes difficult to apply to these situations.

I think it might help you to make a list of all the compromises and sacrifices you have made to date to keep the relationship going and also the sacrifices you would now be willing to make to get things back on track. Then make one from her point of view and see if it is fair. From what you have said to date, I have a feeling it might not be

No more than he is. The crucifying of her in here is just bizarre. She's not being particularly unreasonable. She did give up a lot to be with OP in Dublin while he sorted out things that were important to him. They spent far longer than he initially told her living in Dublin. Who's to say he won't do the same this time? Get her over to where he is and then tell her they need to stay 'just another year or two', and then it turns into three, four, five years?

It sounds like they just have totally different needs and expectations from the relationship and it would be best if they broke up, but I fail to see how she's being any more selfish than he is. Yes, his future talk of buying a house and so on is nice, but maybe she doesn't trust him to follow through? She's nearly 30 and she has been told she'll have difficulty conceiving. Playing the long game might genuinely not be an option for her.

wiggle16

Mod note:

lainey_d_123, as discussed in the thread previously, the purpose of PI/RI is to provide advice for the OP. You haven't offered him any advice in this thread, just criticism. You seem to have a fixation with defending his ex from scrutiny and making sure that the blame be apportioned the way you believe it should be, which is all on him - that is not helpful.

I'd kindly ask that you not post in this thread again.

Thanks.

Yellow pack crisps

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

No more than he is. The crucifying of her in here is just bizarre. She's not being particularly unreasonable. She did give up a lot to be with OP in Dublin while he sorted out things that were important to him. They spent far longer than he initially told her living in Dublin. Who's to say he won't do the same this time? Get her over to where he is and then tell her they need to stay 'just another year or two', and then it turns into three, four, five years?

It sounds like they just have totally different needs and expectations from the relationship and it would be best if they broke up, but I fail to see how she's being any more selfish than he is. Yes, his future talk of buying a house and so on is nice, but maybe she doesn't trust him to follow through? She's nearly 30 and she has been told she'll have difficulty conceiving. Playing the long game might genuinely not be an option for her.

Well she also can’t risk going and getting back together and maybe after 3 months breaking up and not being able to buy stuff for her birthday! Yep a real mature catch.

PHG

Thanks for the replies again and advice. If any of ye are ever in Dublin where I'm there (about every 4 months for a meeting) I would like to buy you a pint.

I will do my best not to keep contact. Today was the first day I felt normal at times and even smiled a lot more so there is positivity growing,

@dellas - You make a fair point but the timeline is more to do with, having thrown so much cash away I know if I don't set a timeframe for buying (I understand there may be random expenses between now and then to delay it) that I will potentially waste a large portion of it on something stupid (wouldn't be the first time). I can deal with stress ok, its more a goal. I do realise it will takes months of looking to buy, so won't be buying in June but want to be almost there, if that makes sense. I can still save and go on holidays during it but as will be week on week off I will lose a potion of my income due to no benefits unless on site. More about discipline. I don't understand how you mean challenge myself first though?

Some of it is because of my injury too and likely I will be in the s**t a bit physically when older, so put more pressure on myself now to achieve, probably too much if I am honest. So, there is a fear there. As for stress, I do get stressed but have coping techniques which help a lot and rarely show if i'm freaking out inside.

I genuinely wasn't moving the goalposts again, I like it here but want to be near my family again and wanted our kids to be near our family and have them young cause of the reasons above. I wasn't setting an exact date for it the wedding, kids etc. we had talked about it and the times I mentioned previously had been agreed between us at different stages. Doesn't matter now though.

d_lainey is correct in saying she didn't trust me and thought the goalposts would move again, which is a fair point and would stifle her dreams and career. But I had given my word and reasons for us. I couldn't do anymore as the opportunity to both of us was something not many couples our age get.

I got my first 3 tinder like sin a day too which helped with the confidence too!

Surprisingly, I have found positing here very helpful and all the replies interesting, even yours d_lainey. I'll likely go quiet again for 2 weeks and may post another update if its ok with the mods?

Thanks,

PHG

blarb

Hey OP, I think you've made the right choice. You sound like a catch, you'll have no bother finding someone once you're healed from this breakup. I'm going through a breakup myself, it's the pits. But you sound like you're doing all you can to keep yourself strong throughout it between the meetups, travelling and counselling. Breakups, while absolutely horrible, can give us an opportunity to take time for ourselves and figure out what we want/don't want in a relationship.

No contact is really hard but probably the best way to go! I'm failing at that myself, but I think that over time I'll learn that it just keeps re-opening the old wound and making it harder to move on.

All the best OP, enjoy the upcoming trips, and I hope the sleep keeps improving!

Mr. Incognito

OP

My heart sank when I read your update.

I was like wtf are you still in contact with this me me me me monster.

Then I see that you have been able to see this interaction for what it is. Someone attempting to emotionally manipulate you to get her own way.

Go date an adult.

You will very soon realise that you have had a lucky escape.

milli milli

OP in time you’ll see the relationship for the car crash that it is. You’re in that emotional fog after a relationship ends, and it can be hard to see the wood for the trees.

I’ll echo what other posters have said, to allow no contact whatsoever to happen again with this woman. She is trying to manipulate you and as you don’t have the emotional distance yet, it would be easier for her to worm her way into your life. But I think you are seeing her for what she is, which is basically an overgrown child. Which is fine for some men, but you want something more.

You’ll be fine, as others said you’re a catch and now you know what you DON’T want in a relationship, you’ll be more aware of red flags and it might be easier to filter out potential mates.
But be careful of the ‘timeline thinking’ - I got the feeling you were choosing this woman to produce a family regardless of your lack of suitability. So many people do this and end up in loveless marriages.
When it comes to a potential life-partner, choose as wisely as you can (especially if you’re thinking of having children together), don’t be pressured by time, peers or outside influences. And I am not disregarding your health concerns, as they are very real to you but making rushed decisions can have big consequences too.
Best of luck OP