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What is wrong with me?

aloneforever99

I'm 30, and I haven't been in a proper relationship in about 9 or 10 years.

I feel so, so alone at the moment, and many of my friends are getting married and having children so while I'm happy for them, every new engagement and baby announcement reminds me of everything I haven't got.

I have loads of friends and I have absolutely no trouble making male friends - but for some reason they don't want anything more. I have two hobbies that are quite male dominated so I meet new guys regularly through them but they don't seem attracted to me/ don't see me that way.

I am an average/ normal looking woman - neither repulsive nor beautiful. Average height, neither slim nor fat (size 12-14), dark hair, decent skin, look fairly young for my age. Lost a bit of weight this year and could do with losing a bit more. I'm not really interested in clothes and makeup at all, but I've been trying to make more of an effort in the last year.

I have quite a big personality, and people often mix that up with confidence. I can be quite loud at times without realising it, and I love telling stories. I'm often described as both intelligent and funny - but I wonder are these characteristics men are looking for?

I've had some really bad experiences on apps over the last couple of years and I feel totally drained with it. I have ended up in a number of "friends with benefits" situations with guys who I was attracted to but who "weren't looking for a relationship". On several occasions, those same guys were in a relationship with someone else a couple of months later.

I have a good job and I'm financially independent, would always offer (and mean it genuinely) to go halves on a first date. I don't know if this is actually a turn off for men?

There are certain mistakes I know I make - I get very excited and hopeful if I do meet with someone I seem to click with, I start thinking "this is it - finally!" and I think I come across too keen. But there's a part of me that thinks when it's the right guy, he'll be as keen as I am and that won't matter? Or is that just a scene from a romantic comedy?

I don't drink and lately I think this is more of a factor than I had previously thought. Alcohol seems to lubricate a lot of the awkwardness of the first few dates for others?

I don't have the best mental health either, but I know plenty of people in the same boat who have managed to find relationships, and I work on it every week in two different types of therapy.

Every article I read tells me self-love is the key, but none of them tell me how to achieve it. I feel lost, broken and worthless (not to mention ugly). The other day I was overpowered by the thought that I might never find anyone, and spend the next 50 or so years on this planet alone.

What can I do differently? What is it about me that can easily attract male friends but not romantic partners?

How do I improve myself, and where do I find decent guys?

I know some really bitter older women who never found love, and I would truly hate to become one of them.

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aloneforever99 wrote: »

...I have quite a big personality, and people often mix that up with confidence. I can be quite loud at times without realising it...

Just wondering, do you think that your loudness might act as a barrier to men, you might be hiding behind it? Years ago, I used to hide my nerves behind humour, and found it hard to stop when I was with a girl I liked.

Finally, might mindfulness meditation help you to relax?

Ricosruffneck

Right, (cracks knuckles and swigs coffee) here we go.

Start of with deleting/creating a new instagram to go with 'new image' you. Honestly i'd say ditch social media but the reality is sometimes it's viewed upon as something outside normal if you don't sign up to it. (i firmly disagree but this is what society tells me)

Secondly, get rid of your bumble for the moment.

Thirdly; forget liposuction. If you're considering this then i'm to believe that you feel you're carrying a bit extra.
Reduce intake (or moderate it with healthy diet) and increase output (exercise) specifically the more annoying things, sit ups, squats and press ups with an effort to go walking more. (apps help alot in this area i find as they prompt you to exercise)

It may be the case that you don't even have to lose weight but instead firm out those areas.

Fourth: With regards to political and social leanings, take a big step back and make this your private thing (not the worlds thing). This is a red flag for me and friends of mine. Just like perhaps maybe some ladies don't fancy guys that are overly into mixed martial arts/rugby or GAA I feel some of us average centerist guys (who are the majority) do not like politics/identity politics at all. Anything with activisim of left or right is viewed by some as a bit outside of norm.

I know alot of people that don't even watch the news because it's too political (I take issue with this as I like watching it but that my problem

)

Back to your new social media, fill it with things like nice walks, trips to cliffs/beaches, occasional pics of food, funny non political memes, No Quotes about being positive!! (this is tiresome for everyone) ,instead have pictures of your progress which is real positivity. No politics/social movements.

When you do decide you're ready for the world; try and find dates with people that you have fav movies/books in common. Take them on a fun date to the Science Gallery (if you're in dublin) and have a coffee. Great one for me is to go to the national art gallery in Kilmainham hospital, abstract art (ask your dates what do you see in this picture, tell him what you see, it's a very good conversation piece that's also funny sometimes)

Oh and keep your personality, you've been working at it all your life. Don't change this. There's a reason you have friends and colleagues. Because you're a good socialable person that is relatable.

But really the amount of self worth and positivity you'll get from exercise isn't to be underrated, this is the key thing to working on most of the areas you addressed. Also yoga is nice once you get past the first couple of attempts. Nothing like a good stretch to get rid of the bad.

lainey_d_123

Ricosruffneck wrote: »

Right, (cracks knuckles and swigs coffee) here we go.

Start of with deleting/creating a new instagram to go with 'new image' you. Honestly i'd say ditch social media but the reality is sometimes it's viewed upon as something outside normal if you don't sign up to it. (i firmly disagree but this is what society tells me)

Secondly, get rid of your bumble for the moment.

Thirdly; forget liposuction. If you're considering this then i'm to believe that you feel you're carrying a bit extra.
Reduce intake (or moderate it with healthy diet) and increase output (exercise) specifically the more annoying things, sit ups, squats and press ups with an effort to go walking more. (apps help alot in this area i find as they prompt you to exercise)

It may be the case that you don't even have to lose weight but instead firm out those areas.

Fourth: With regards to political and social leanings, take a big step back and make this your private thing (not the worlds thing). This is a red flag for me and friends of mine. Just like perhaps maybe some ladies don't fancy guys that are overly into mixed martial arts/rugby or GAA I feel some of us average centerist guys (who are the majority) do not like politics/identity politics at all. Anything with activisim of left or right is viewed by some as a bit outside of norm.

I know alot of people that don't even watch the news because it's too political (I take issue with this as I like watching it but that my problem )

Back to your new social media, fill it with things like nice walks, trips to cliffs/beaches, occasional pics of food, funny non political memes, No Quotes about being positive!! (this is tiresome for everyone) ,instead have pictures of your progress which is real positivity. No politics/social movements.

When you do decide you're ready for the world; try and find dates with people that you have fav movies/books in common. Take them on a fun date to the Science Gallery (if you're in dublin) and have a coffee. Great one for me is to go to the national art gallery in Kilmainham hospital, abstract art (ask your dates what do you see in this picture, tell him what you see, it's a very good conversation piece that's also funny sometimes)

Oh and keep your personality, you've been working at it all your life. Don't change this. There's a reason you have friends and colleagues. Because you're a good socialable person that is relatable.

But really the amount of self worth and positivity you'll get from exercise isn't to be underrated, this is the key thing to working on most of the areas you addressed. Also yoga is nice once you get past the first couple of attempts. Nothing like a good stretch to get rid of the bad.

So she has to dumb herself down and not talk about something really important to her so she can find a man? This is what I've long suspected, but it's depressing to see in black and white. I have to say, I wouldn't have any time for someone who doesn't follow current affairs because it's too 'political'. I'd die alone with my cat before I'd tolerate that sh1te.

Plopsu

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

So she has to dumb herself down and not talk about something really important to her so she can find a man? This is what I've long suspected, but it's depressing to see in black and white. I have to say, I wouldn't have any time for someone who doesn't follow current affairs because it's too 'political'. I'd die alone with my cat before I'd tolerate that sh1te.

Well there's nothing wrong with being a massive, passionate Jazz fan but it the person you're on a date with isn't and you spend most of the night talking about jazz, then they're likely to think, "Nope, not for me". If they get to know you a bit before your jazzmania becomes apparent, they may react differently. Obviously, if you're that into jazz, you should probably find somebody else who is.
There's no mention of dumbing herself down in the post you quoted, just presenting herself differently.

lainey_d_123

Plopsu wrote: »

Well there's nothing wrong with being a massive, passionate Jazz fan but it the person you're on a date with isn't and you spend most of the night talking about jazz, then they're likely to think, "Nope, not for me". If they get to know you a bit before your jazzmania becomes apparent, they may react differently. Obviously, if you're that into jazz, you should probably find somebody else who is.
There's no mention of dumbing herself down in the post you quoted, just presenting herself differently.

I'm not sure you can compare jazz and current affairs. Jazz is a musical taste, maybe a hobby. Current affairs affects everyone. Not being able to discuss them or politics would certainly make me feel like I was dumbing myself down. And lads not liking women with strong political opinions isn't a million miles away from not liking women with strong opinions, full stop. Makes me uncomfortable. There's a whiff of 'sit down and look pretty there now, love, don't be worrying your head with that stuff' about it, whatever you might say.

Plopsu

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I'm not sure you can compare jazz and current affairs. Jazz is a musical taste, maybe a hobby. Current affairs affects everyone. Not being able to discuss them or politics would certainly make me feel like I was dumbing myself down. And lads not liking women with strong political opinions isn't a million miles away from not liking women with strong opinions, full stop. Makes me uncomfortable. There's a whiff of 'sit down and look pretty there now, love, don't be worrying your head with that stuff' about it, whatever you might say.

Jazz was an example. Strong opinions when you're talking to somebody you already have a relationship/friendship with are received very differently from the same opinion when talking to somebody you've just met.
I can pretty much guarantee that men expressing strong political opinions on a first date would be unlikely to lead to a second one. I dunno, maybe we should all just sit down and look pretty.

lainey_d_123

Plopsu wrote: »

Jazz was an example. Strong opinions when you're talking to somebody you already have a relationship/friendship with are received very differently from the same opinion when talking to somebody you've just met.
I can pretty much guarantee that men expressing strong political opinions on a first date would be unlikely to lead to a second one. I dunno, maybe we should all just sit down and look pretty.

But it's not comparable to something like politics. I get your point, but politics shapes all of our lives in a way jazz doesn't. And unless you're a woman who has been on the receiving end of comments about being 'outspoken' and 'too opinionated', I don't think you can really understand how frustrating it is. I actually do think it would be easier to find a partner by not being openly political or having strong opinions, but then you're compromising a big part of who you are.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I can see both sides with the politics thing. Maybe it's something that's a bit like the issues with online dating in that it's kind of specific to right now. The current political climate nationally and globally is so disheartening and riddled with conflict that people are sick of the subject.

I have strong political opinions, I take part in activism but if someone I've just met or am only acquainted with starts on about it my reaction generally is "oh god can we not just have a fcuking pint". And these are people whose views broadly match my own.

Didn't it used to be considered pretty poor form to talk politics in most casual settings?

That said, I don't think it's wise or fair to hide your passion for something to try and be more attractive to men, it's really just a general issue of tact and politeness.

Like you arrive at a second date say, he says "So, what did you get up to this week?"

"Oh I went to they gym, finished off a project at work, I went to a meeting for an activist group I'm involved with, we're lobbying local politicians about exclusion zones around abortion provision, how was your week?"

I don't think anyone would have a problem with that kind of thing. But

'We're lobbying local politicians about exclusion zones around abortion provision, it's going well, did you hear about that clinic up in Longford, god these pro-life people are vicious, they're in the pocket of the church, so hypocritical. There are American groups coming over here finding and training them..." etc etc.

I 100% agree with everything in the above paragraph but I wouldn't be bringing it up on a fun hang out. And if someone else did I'd be changing the subject.

For certain issues, particularly women's rights, people and especially men who are broadly supportive but not super informed are going to be cautious in those conversations, especially with someone they don't know well.

I'm not saying change your views, hide your views or make any apologies for them, but don't be throwing conversational booby traps out in front of yourself.

Plopsu

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

But it's not comparable to something like politics. I get your point, but politics shapes all of our lives in a way jazz doesn't. And unless you're a woman who has been on the receiving end of comments about being 'outspoken' and 'too opinionated', I don't think you can really understand how frustrating it is. I actually do think it would be easier to find a partner by not being openly political or having strong opinions, but then you're compromising a big part of who you are.

Gasp! Did you just assume my gender?? :pac:

It doesn't matter what the strong opinions are about. It's bringing them up with somebody you've just met that's the problem.
If somebody thinks you're too opinionated, then they're entitled to do that. Nobody's obliged to like anybody. If they do think that then they weren't the person you were looking for (I am assuming that you're looking for somebody who doesn't think that) and you weren't the person they were looking for. Sucks. Happens.
As I said above a man presenting strong opinions on a first date is unlikely to proceed to a second. In that case, though, he's more likely to be referred to as too intense rather than too opinionated.

lainey_d_123

Plopsu wrote: »

Gasp! Did you just assume my gender?? :pac:

It doesn't matter what the strong opinions are about. It's bringing them up with somebody you've just met that's the problem.
If somebody thinks you're too opinionated, then they're entitled to do that. Nobody's obliged to like anybody. If they do think that then they weren't the person you were looking for (I am assuming that you're looking for somebody who doesn't think that) and you weren't the person they were looking for. Sucks. Happens.
As I said above a man presenting strong opinions on a first date is unlikely to proceed to a second. In that case, though, he's more likely to be referred to as too intense rather than too opinionated.

Yes, I did. Are you a woman?

I'm not disagreeing with you re strong opinions. But you weren't just talking about the first date. You were talking about anytime. And I do think you're right. I'm pretty sure that if I took no interest in current affairs and tried to be 'mainstream' and watch the rugby in the pub and went shopping with the girls that I'd have more success both making friends and meeting a partner. I tried it in my twenties, but it just doesn't work. One day you wake up and realise you've lost yourself. Now I tend to meet like-minded people at the meetups I go to, and while it might be harder to meet partners this way than hopping on Tinder, I think there's a far better chance of long term success.

Plopsu

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Yes, I did. Are you a woman?

I'm not disagreeing with you re strong opinions. But you weren't just talking about the first date. You were talking about anytime. And I do think you're right. I'm pretty sure that if I took no interest in current affairs and tried to be 'mainstream' and watch the rugby in the pub and went shopping with the girls that I'd have more success both making friends and meeting a partner. I tried it in my twenties, but it just doesn't work. One day you wake up and realise you've lost yourself. Now I tend to meet like-minded people at the meetups I go to, and while it might be harder to meet partners this way than hopping on Tinder, I think there's a far better chance of long term success.

No, Lainey, I'm not a woman. That was a joke.

Where exactly was I "talking about anytime"? Can you quote it (cause I though I was being very specific)?

Of course people who are mainstream have an easier time. That's why it's called mainstream because they make up the bulk of people. More people equals more possibilities. Gotta stay true to yourself but it's always a harder path to walk. The way you're going sounds like the right way to me and probably what the OP should try.

lainey_d_123

Plopsu wrote: »

No, Lainey, I'm not a woman. That was a joke.

Where exactly was I "talking about anytime"? Can you quote it (cause I though I was being very specific)?

Of course people who are mainstream have an easier time. That's why it's called mainstream because they make up the bulk of people. More people equals more possibilities. Gotta stay true to yourself but it's always a harder path to walk. The way you're going sounds like the right way to me and probably what the OP should try.

I know you're not. That was my point. I don't think it translates very well through text.

You're right, you didn't say that, it was the poster I was originally replying to. I didn't realise you weren't that poster. Apologies.

I think a lot of non-mainstream people try to be mainstream for an easier life. I know I did. I was in a six-year relationship trying to be someone I wasn't, and in the end it destroyed me. He didn't appreciate all my quirks and all the little things that someone more suited to me would have found endearing. He didn't appreciate the many, many sacrifices I made for the relationship (watching rugby in crowded pubs, going out all the time, spending all our money on drink) and resented the few things I asked of him. I asked him to spend New Years the way I wanted to spend it (cosy night in with the fire, fireworks on TV and champagne and nibbles), after six years of spending it with all his mates, and he found it a hardship. In the end, we just weren't compatible and should have recognised it sooner. It might be easier to be mainstream, but if you're not, you're not, and trying to change yourself never ends well.

I always think that it only takes one person. I might be out at one of my meetups and bump into that one person who laughs at my jokes and listens to my political rants and has some of his own and enjoys his alone time as much as I enjoy mine. And I'm more likely to meet him doing something I genuinely enjoy doing, where I'm at my best, than swiping through OK Cupid with a heavy heart trying to convince myself the lad in the rugby top with a picture of himself at Hooters might be a perfect match if I just gave him a chance.

ginandtonicsky

Honestly, using multiple dating apps to find a life-long partner when you have mental health issues and aren't feeling the most confident in yourself is like dousing yourself in petrol and setting yourself on fire.

I know that sounds dramatic, but you need to really, really protect your mental health here and relying on Bumble / Tinder / whatever else to find something meaningful is certainly not the way.

I've recently been using ONE dating app, the one that advertises as the most "holistic" of them that isn't geared towards helping people to get their hole, and I've had to delete it because the bad dates, ghosting, hopes up and then being faded out with no explanation etc was really taking its toll. I thought, "you know what? I'd rather spend my weekends taking fitness classes and meeting the people I love and who love me and building myself up rather than being torn down by dates with guys that ultimately cause me either anxiety or pain" and that's an executive decision I've made in order to protect my own sanity, at least for now.

There's no harm in taking a break OP, and getting a bit creative around becoming a happier person and opening up opportunities to meet people in other ways.

I'd also say IME any "extremes" in the online world are going to be viewed negatively, unless you've got the looks of Jessica Alba which most of us don't. Men will forgive anything if you're in the top 5% of good-looking women, but again, that's not most of us.

"Extreme" includes being too political, too into your social issues, too loud, too forward, too keen. It's not a judgement OP, I'm a journalist so tend to be into my current affairs hardcore, I'm simply not going to click with someone who doesn't know the first thing about Brexit/Trump/the Middle East but at the same time I'm not going to use that as conversation prop because it's hard work and heavy-duty when you've met someone for the first time.

People have too many options these days and everything will be used as a reason to disengage, so if you're going to play that game, you need to be aware of what the pitfalls are.

LolaJJ

Hey OP,

Am probably echoing a lot of what's been said already but I think it's the overall way you are looking at your status that is tripping you up.

Why should you need to be slimmer or stupider or not share your opinions. What's that going to bring you? Probably nothing, or someone you have very little in common with. Certainly not a meaningful relationship...

Stop trying to find personal attributes that are "wrong with you" and accept that nothing is wrong with you, you might have a few mental health vulnerabilities (who doesn't) but you're probably already ahead of the online-dating pack in terms of having an awareness of yourself where that's concerned.

I was single for ages, met someone amazing eventually but my BIGGEST regret during that period is all the time I spent worrying about ending up alone, dating eejits who wrecked my head because I was worried about a missed opportunity. It was only when I exhausted myself completely and realised that being alone was far better than having my head melted by a new guy every month that I actually met someone.... Because I went on a date thinking "It's your job to make ME like YOU, I'm quite happy to do this life thing alone". Honestly, I think a mindset change would serve you well!

Also, 30 is so young, relax, just enjoy life and don't waste too much energy on all this! It's not the be all and end all, honestly

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Can I just say as well I'm your age and hardly ever been single and I was feeling pretty inadequate reading your posts. Lived in four foreign countries, plenty hobbies, well sorted financially? I'd love that! I guarantee you some of your engaged baby-having friends are looking at your life wistfully or jealously.

I agree getting off the apps is a good idea, you need to take a step back from this both for the sake of your sanity generally and because it seems to have hit a point where it's completely counterproductive. 30 is young, take a few months to be nice to yourself, enjoy your life and hobbies and people in it and then regroup.

2 fast

I know its cliche but it really does come down to the right time and place while being open to new things which you seem to be... Online dating is indeed very toxic, and most people need a break It can be great but unfortunately a lot of times you've to weed through the crap. Are you ruling guys out that aren't your usual type? Giving it a go with someone you mightn't usually pick, especially online could be the right guy, it happens a lot more than you'd think... You'd often hear stories of people saying they didn't like or wouldn't normally go for the person they ended up with... You mightn't think you're doing this but taking a step back and regrouping, may make you realise; are you going for a "type of person". I do think its harder if you're from the country as the pool is smaller and cliquish but not impossible. Best of luck x

milli milli

OP would I be right in saying you had a difficult relationship with your Dad? Some things are pointing to that in the men you choose. You seem to be going after unavailable men, both physically & emotionally.
You mentioned in your post the difficult relationship your parents have, so I’m assuming this was also present with yourself.
The relationship we have with our parents sets us up with any future romantic relationships. We choose people that will give us the similar setup we had as kids - whether dysfunctional or not. Unless we somehow break the dysfunction through something like therapy or self-awareness then we will keep choosing this type.
Have a look at attachment styles. When I read about this the penny dropped for me so loudly, it made the sound of a boulder crashing through a table!
I was practically tearing my hair out at why I couldn’t find an interested guy despite thinking I was the bees-knees!

My problem was I was only interested in emotionally unavailable men - men who could never, ever give me what I wanted, men who just weren’t capable of it.
I was actually sabotaging myself by choosing these men (unbeknownst to myself). It sounds like you are doing the same thing.
So when I realised my pattern, I can take a step back. It’s actually not easy. It’s actually difficult to accept someone who ‘wants’ you and is not looking the other way. Going after someone who’s not that interested seems familiar and safe.
Has this ever come up in your therapy sessions? It might be worth exploring anyway.

I also agree with the poster who says to really work on loving yourself. Life is just so much easier when you have that inner love for yourself.

WrigleysExtra

Op how honest can we be with you?

lainey_d_123

WrigleysExtra wrote: »

Op how honest can we be with you?

Is this code for 'I'm going to say something really rude/mean to someone I really know nothing about'?

LegacyUser

Hi OP I read first few posts so not them all so forgive me if I overlooked something.

You come across very well & likeable. I'd advise not getting involved in FWB arrangements when it's not what your after. And I know this sounds Wrong & is wrong but have you thought about investing more time in your physical attractiveness to men (make over type thing). Men want lust (saying this being a man) & no matter how sound, interesting& fun they find a woman when dating the obviously want to be physically attracted to them. They want to want to get to it.

Just an idea from a random internet point of view but there you are. Unpopular I'm sure it is on threads like this. But just an idea. And for what it's worth I've seen both women & men do this with results in dating/love life.

Daisy78

quiet advice wrote: »

Hi OP I read first few posts so not them all so forgive me if I overlooked something.

You come across very well & likeable. I'd advise not getting involved in FWB arrangements when it's not what your after. And I know this sounds Wrong & is wrong but have you thought about investing more time in your physical attractiveness to men (make over type thing). Men want lust (saying this being a man) & no matter how sound, interesting& fun they find a woman when dating the obviously want to be physically attracted to them. They want to want to get to it.

Just an idea from a random internet point of view but there you are. Unpopular I'm sure it is on threads like this. But just an idea. And for what it's worth I've seen both women & men do this with results in dating/love life.

When you say invest though what do you mean? Yes you can lose weight and aim to become more physically fit but beyond that there is not a huge amount you can do to change what you have without resorting to plastic surgery. And I really don't think the poster should be considering that. And at the end of the day different men have different tastes, not everyone is looking for the same version of beauty, thankfully. Perhaps it might be worth her considering adding a little bit more feminity to her clothing choice, maybe (and only if she is comfortable with the idea) experiment a bit more with makeup. But apart from that, there is little she can (or should) do as regards any drastic changes.

aloneforever99

Thank you so much to everyone who has posted on this thread.

It has really been helpful for me.

Lots of good advice.

Sorry I don’t know how to quote multiple people but in reply to some of what was said:

- I think the point about physical attractiveness is actually very fair and honest from the guy who posted it. I am not massively overweight but I also definitely could stand to lost a few pounds. I’m going to start swimming again to try and achieve this, which gives me another hobby to pursue too. I know I shouldn’t have to lose weight to meet a man, but when I look in the mirror I don’t like my body and I often think “Well if I don’t like it, why should I expect a fella to?”

- As regards politics/ activism – there were some very good points made there. Ultimately I don’t think I could have a relationship with someone who is apathetic about current affairs because it is a big interest for me, but I’m going to make an effort to make sure it doesn’t dominate first dates either.

- I’m off the apps for the minute. Problem is, I can’t remember how people met before apps? Going to make an effort to look at men who are “not my type” as well.

- To the poster who asked about my Dad, I have a very difficult relationship with mine and I do think this plays into it a lot. I’m actually very aware of it, but the awareness alone hasn’t prompted a change.

- As regards the FWB thing, I know everyone who is telling me not to get involved in those situations is right. It’s just hard for a few reasons – as women go, I think I have quite a high sex drive, and I basically wouldn’t have had sex in the last decade if I never did this. I also greatly miss the less sexual aspects – kissing, cuddles, falling asleep with someone next to you… and I find it hard to turn down the opportunity for those things even when I’m ultimately not having all my needs fulfilled by them. It’s a case of learning to play the long game, I think.

I’m really glad I posted here, and any other advice is still welcome. I feel a lot better now than I did when I first posted. You guys are nice. Who knew the internet isn’t always a terrible place?

SozBbz

Hi OP,

Just to through in my 2 cents, as you're already gotten some good advice. Your post spoke to me a bit

I met my current partner after a prolonged period of singledom, (5/6 years which included a few short term relationships which in hindsight I could see from a mile off weren't right). I think this long period of being single effected (or I allowed it to effect) my self confidence and I found myself making silly decisions and putting up with things that were no good for me.

Before I met my partner, I'd just stopped seeing another guy I'd met online and had been seeing for 8/9 months although it had never been smooth sailing. I'd tried to finish it with him on 2 or 3 occasions but he'd always asked/pleased with me to reconsider, and then he ultimately finished it with me and I found myself really hurt.

While it really smarted at first, I had to accept that I'd allowed myself to become attached to someone who was totally unsuitable. This was coming from the place you described, not wanting to be single. I was basically trying to make it work with someone with whom I was totally incompatable, just because I wanted to be with someone. He had characteristics I liked (intelligent, family oritentated etc, a gentleman) but fundamentally we were poles apart. He didn't get my humour, he was much more religious that I am, he was a bit pious frankly. I wasn't even really physically attracted to him, but I had talked myself into it. While I was compromising on all of the above, I thought "at least he wants to be with me, at least I have someone". This is a horrible admission about myself, but I actually thought he was doing well to have me, so once I was lowering my standards, that at least I'd be able to have someone. Yeah, he was a bit boring but at least he wasnt a lad about town, unwilling to commit.

The experience of getting dumped by someone you don't even like that much taught me a very valuable life lesson. It was an extremely confusing and hurtful and my self confidence felt like it had been kicked in the guts. However, I realised that being single really wasn't the worst thing in the world - that the previous 8/9 months of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole were infinitely more painful and corrosive to my self worth.

Now, thankfully as much as my pride was wounded, I was able to get over this quickly enough as I knew we werent right for each other. I resolved to never make the same mistake again -no more settling - its unfair to everyone.

I resolved to be unashamedly myself. I stopped trying to be the "cool girl", the people pleaser. I got comfortable in asking for exactly what I wanted, and if I didnt get the answer I was looking for, then "NEXT!".

I went back on line (different site) and set up a new profile. I put up honest pictures, wrote fairly about myself and my interests, and said I was interested in relationships only - hook up artists need not apply.

I was chatting to a few men, and culled some conversations quickly as soon as I spotted any warning signs in their behaviour or I saw anything about this that didnt appeal to me personally. In short, I stopped compromising. Now this doesnt mean I was looking for solid 10 out of 10's only but I had to see something in that that I could find attractive.

I met one guy for a date and we're still together. He was fun and funny. He was intelligent and witty. He was no pushover, but also a nice person. I'm sure he's not everyones cup of tea, but he was my type.

I'm not one of these people who believes in karma or and the universe or the "one" but I do think that if you hold your head up high, believe in your own worth, and refuse to settle, that others will recognise that in you and you've a much better chance of meeting someone successfully. I found it amazing that as soon as I decided to stop trying to be what (I thought) other people wanted me to be (thinner, more agreeable, more pliable) and accepted myself as a single individual who was good enough in her own right, that my luck changed.

Stay true to yourself OP. Make changes in your life only if they make you happy. Lose weight if it would make you happy. Try to get an idea in your head of the type of man you want and don't compromise on the core qualities you want in a partner - I firmly believe that by talking ourselves into spending time with unsuitable partners, we waste time and make ourselves miserable in the long run.

lainey_d_123

SozBbz wrote: »

Hi OP,

Just to through in my 2 cents, as you're already gotten some good advice. Your post spoke to me a bit

I met my current partner after a prolonged period of singledom, (5/6 years which included a few short term relationships which in hindsight I could see from a mile off weren't right). I think this long period of being single effected (or I allowed it to effect) my self confidence and I found myself making silly decisions and putting up with things that were no good for me.

Before I met my partner, I'd just stopped seeing another guy I'd met online and had been seeing for 8/9 months although it had never been smooth sailing. I'd tried to finish it with him on 2 or 3 occasions but he'd always asked/pleased with me to reconsider, and then he ultimately finished it with me and I found myself really hurt.

While it really smarted at first, I had to accept that I'd allowed myself to become attached to someone who was totally unsuitable. This was coming from the place you described, not wanting to be single. I was basically trying to make it work with someone with whom I was totally incompatable, just because I wanted to be with someone. He had characteristics I liked (intelligent, family oritentated etc, a gentleman) but fundamentally we were poles apart. He didn't get my humour, he was much more religious that I am, he was a bit pious frankly. I wasn't even really physically attracted to him, but I had talked myself into it. While I was compromising on all of the above, I thought "at least he wants to be with me, at least I have someone". This is a horrible admission about myself, but I actually thought he was doing well to have me, so once I was lowering my standards, that at least I'd be able to have someone. Yeah, he was a bit boring but at least he wasnt a lad about town, unwilling to commit.

The experience of getting dumped by someone you don't even like that much taught me a very valuable life lesson. It was an extremely confusing and hurtful and my self confidence felt like it had been kicked in the guts. However, I realised that being single really wasn't the worst thing in the world - that the previous 8/9 months of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole were infinitely more painful and corrosive to my self worth.

Now, thankfully as much as my pride was wounded, I was able to get over this quickly enough as I knew we werent right for each other. I resolved to never make the same mistake again -no more settling - its unfair to everyone.

I resolved to be unashamedly myself. I stopped trying to be the "cool girl", the people pleaser. I got comfortable in asking for exactly what I wanted, and if I didnt get the answer I was looking for, then "NEXT!".

I went back on line (different site) and set up a new profile. I put up honest pictures, wrote fairly about myself and my interests, and said I was interested in relationships only - hook up artists need not apply.

I was chatting to a few men, and culled some conversations quickly as soon as I spotted any warning signs in their behaviour or I saw anything about this that didnt appeal to me personally. In short, I stopped compromising. Now this doesnt mean I was looking for solid 10 out of 10's only but I had to see something in that that I could find attractive.

I met one guy for a date and we're still together. He was fun and funny. He was intelligent and witty. He was no pushover, but also a nice person. I'm sure he's not everyones cup of tea, but he was my type.

I'm not one of these people who believes in karma or and the universe or the "one" but I do think that if you hold your head up high, believe in your own worth, and refuse to settle, that others will recognise that in you and you've a much better chance of meeting someone successfully. I found it amazing that as soon as I decided to stop trying to be what (I thought) other people wanted me to be (thinner, more agreeable, more pliable) and accepted myself as a single individual who was good enough in her own right, that my luck changed.

Stay true to yourself OP. Make changes in your life only if they make you happy. Lose weight if it would make you happy. Try to get an idea in your head of the type of man you want and don't compromise on the core qualities you want in a partner - I firmly believe that by talking ourselves into spending time with unsuitable partners, we waste time and make ourselves miserable in the long run.

This is absolutely true. It's just so, so easy to talk yourself into settling, and it's also easy to let others convince you that you're being picky if they see you turning down a few guys in a row. I was seeing a guy last year who on paper was great. He was available enthusiastic about seeing me, wanted the same things I did, good fun to spend time with. But as soon as I agreed to date him officially, he totally changed and it was red flag after red flag. Not respecting my boundaries, whether it was pressuring me to stay out late when I was tired and drained or insisting I could afford to do something when I told him I couldn't (he assumed I was making loads of money because I'm self employed...I wasn't).

The last straw was we were arranging a date and I told him it would have to be coffee because I was broke and struggling to find new clients, and he agreed. When I arrived, he got up and told me he'd tricked me and we were actually going to a nice restaurant for dinner. I was a bit confused and uncomfortable, as I generally like to pay my way, but we'd known each other a while at that stage and I thought it was sweet that he wanted to treat me when he knew I was struggling for money. Except....he didn't treat me. The bill came and he expected me to pay my half, after I'd very clearly told him I was struggling and could only afford a coffee that week. Only then did he seem to grasp that I wasn't talking bollix (why the hell would someone claim to be broke when they weren't??), which I found hugely disrespectful. It was one boundary violation too far. I put the money down for my half (which was my grocery money for the entire week...I went hungry that week), walked out and told him not to contact me again. He was texting me for weeks telling me to 'calm down' and that he was a misunderstanding, and it would have been easy to fall for it, but that's the thing. It wasn't 'a' misunderstanding. It was the culmination of weeks of not listening to me, not believing me and not respecting me. It was a pattern. That's who he was. And I knew that in my heart. I'm actually really proud of myself for walking away and not just putting up with it and trying to see past it.

It can get really hard sometimes, especially remembering the couple of long term relationships I had. The feeling of security, of having someone there for you all the time. But then I have to remind myself is that the reason I'm single now is because I overlooked red flags then. Instead of waiting to find someone who was right for me, I stayed with people who weren't. And I don't want to do it again.

.......

OP I just have a very small thing to say.

Dont settle for FWB if thats not what you are after - for a number of reasons.

1 - you are wasting time while in an FWB, probably hoping more will come of it, but not looking for someone proper while youre in it. It just ties you up with time wasters.
2 - its effecting your self esteem.
3 - it becomes a pattern if you keep doing it.
4 - terrible cliche - but you get what you settle for. I used to tell fellas that I thought more of myself than FWB and if they wanted to be with me they had to offer something more than just casual sex - which I could get anywhere. And guess what - the only people that that puts off are people who just want FWB - that you dont want to be with anyway!!

lainey_d_123

....... wrote: »

OP I just have a very small thing to say.

Dont settle for FWB if thats not what you are after - for a number of reasons.

1 - you are wasting time while in an FWB, probably hoping more will come of it, but not looking for someone proper while youre in it. It just ties you up with time wasters.
2 - its effecting your self esteem.
3 - it becomes a pattern if you keep doing it.
4 - terrible cliche - but you get what you settle for. I used to tell fellas that I thought more of myself than FWB and if they wanted to be with me they had to offer something more than just casual sex - which I could get anywhere. And guess what - the only people that that puts off are people who just want FWB - that you dont want to be with anyway!!

Totally true. The thing with FWBs is that you can think 'well I enjoy spending time with this person, the sex is good, so what's the harm?' The harm is that you're not spending time looking for an actual partner because the FWB is meeting all those needs....for now. Rather than get out to a meetup or a sports event or onto an app, you hang out with the FWB because you like them and it's fun but in the long run a giant waste of time.

professore

aloneforever99 wrote: »

I feel like men are more forgiving of women's personality flaws when they find her more attractive.

This guy was an asshole. You say looks aren't that important to you but I think they are. You are going after men on Bumble who have plenty of options and are using that to have plenty of casual sex.

Apps like Bumble are ALL about looks. If you find a guy attractive, how many more women on Bumble do you think do too?

Another thing is the activism, most men are not obsessed about the issues you are interested in, not that they don't care but it's just another issue to them, but some pretend to in order to get laid, as they know many women do. So any men you meet through activism is likely to be a disaster.

I'd say try to meet men in the real world.

suicide_circus

aloneforever99 wrote: »

I have quite a big personality

red flag.
what do you mean by "big"?

aloneforever99

suicide_circus wrote: »

red flag.
what do you mean by "big"?

I'm outgoing and chatty, I have strong opinions, and sometimes I can be loud without realising it, although I've gotten much better at not doing that as I've gotten older.

I have two main hobbies I've pursued over the last couple of years and one of them is stand up comedy.

dellas1979

Am single - numerous years.

Throughout my 20s, I was in one bad relationship after another.

Hadnt a clue who I was.

Over the last few years, Ive worked on myself-self-esteem, confidence, doing things for myself, gaining respect back for myself.

I've also met men who were totally unsuitable for me.

I do love being single (the amount of things I can do for myself, have experienced, I LOVE that about myself :-)

There are times when I do miss having a partner. Am building a house at the moment. And it has been a bit stressful handling everything. I feel if Id a partner "imaginary john" as I call him - that Id be less stressed. I then have to remind myself that Ill have built it, and Ill own it :-D

I was imagining the other day what it would feel like/to remember to hold someone's hand-that basic. I let myself wander off, and be ok with that, and then come back to reality an remind myself that am fine.

Reading through your posts, I can see you are clear they type of person youd like to attract. That is half the battle. The other half is loving yourself.

If the person is right for you, what a person looks like wont matter. Theyll love you regardless.

Keep your chin up, give yourself a good life, love yourself, do things that make you happy (youre a stand up comic ffs!), and when you least expect it, it will happen. That advice stands to me and anyone else out there in singledom whod like a (good) partner.

You could also practice an auld flirt, in person. A big smile and a "hows it going!?" to a fella can start conversations/a door to talk to guys.