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husband always in a bad mood

throwawaygirl

so maybe always is an exaggeration, but a lot of the time he gets in a bad mood, sometimes over the littlest thing. Most recent example, he was cooking pancakes for my daughter and they stuck to the pan, so he's in the kitchen sighing and swearing to himself. I know better than to say anything at this point, because if I do, ill get the force of the mood. It's just so regular now, I feel like i constantly have to tiptoe around him. I feel anxious when he's in a mood, if he leaves to go out somewhere i just feel so much better - like a weight has been lifted off.

He is aware of his moods, sometimes he will say sorry, that he is a bit depressed and so I forgive it and everything is fine for a few weeks. But eventually, it all starts up again. There's no affection, he never asks how my day was, when my daughter goes to bed he's straight on his computer watching videos with his headphones on. He complains how much hard work she is (she has special needs so she requires 24/7 care, but he still gets more free time than me because he isnt working currently, she's in nursery 5 days a week and i work full time).

I don't know if there is anything to save. He says he will change but it never happens. But I don't know how I would do it alone - both financially and taking care of my daughter. I guess I am just looking for some advice - i'm stuck in the midst of it and its hard to know what the right thing to do is. If I didn't have my daughter, i feel like I would probably have left by now. That said, our relationship was much better before her, though I know he does love her.

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Big Bag of Chips

You say he says he's a bit depressed. Has he been to his GP or is he self diagnosing? You need to try talk to him at a time where everything is calm. Tell him how his moods and behaviour are affecting you, and how lonely you are feeling. Tell him if he's depressed then he does need to see his GP and try to get a handle on it.

It's very difficult being the partner of someone suffering with depression. It's even harder when they refuse to acknowledge that it's causing problems and refuse to get help to change their situation.

throwawaygirl

he did see a therapist for a bit, as it was covered by insurance. But once that ran out, he stopped - says he doesn't want to pay for it out of his own pocket. I found it was helping though, but I don't know how to make him start again. Personally, i think it is worth the cost but he doesn't.

Also, he did see a GP before about possible depression. The GP just agreed that it might be, but didn't offer any further advice.

LegacyUser

Regular user going anon here. I grew up in a home where my father's moods dictated how the day would go. If he was in a good mood everything was great. When he wasn't, we'd hide in our rooms and generally avoid him. He was never violent or particularly nasty but he didn't need to be. Even today, that sigh he has chills me to the bone and I'm long since gone from home. I've had counselling for other issues and he is part of the reason why. It has affected my adult life to this day. Get this sorted for your daughter's sake.

Big Bag of Chips

You have to ask him is it worth the cost to save your marriage and your family. Tell him it is getting to that point. Go back to the GP. There are low cost counsellors available. There are public counsellors available. He may need to go on a waiting list for a time but it's better than ignoring the issue.

It's not a huge problem for him, because you carry the load. You do all the work with your daughter. You tiptoe around him so as not to annoy him, and thus allows him to continue not bothering to sort anything out.

You need to communicate to him how much of a problem this is for you. Because he doesn't see that.

Dtp1979

Doctors aren’t great for diagnosing depression, they usually just throw pills at the problem.
Get him back to a therapist. Maybe he should get himself a job to pay for it. Sounds like he has too much time on his hands playing on his computer

ChrissieH

Yes, big bag of chips is right, there are low-cost counselling options available so the cost is not a feasible excuse - and it's not anyway, even if there aren't low-cost options in your area. He's just getting away with bad behaviour that's impacting other people, so unfortunately, I think it's time you took a firm stand and told him that you're not putting up with his moods anymore.
I have a friend whose husband can ruin entire weekends by sulking and ranting, their 2 children never know whether they're coming or going, when he's in a mood, they absolutely dread being around him and to the outside world, he's the funniest, most obliging man on the planet. It's really not an ok environment for children. Your daughter has special needs and you do most of the caring, and he's basically making your life 10 times harder than it already is because what - things didn't go his way? so now he's going to sulk for the rest of his life?
He actually really needs therapy. He needs to come to terms with whatever chip he has on his shoulder for everyone's sake.

John Hutton

He is unemployed. Has a disabled child who requires 24hr care. Says he is a 'little' (for him to say this probably means a lot) depressed. He tried to see a GP and it was no help.

OP it sounds like he needs help tbh

Ursus Horribilis

I think you've no option here but to tell him firmly that his behaviour is not on. Even though your daughter is special needs, she can probably sense his moods too. There's no way you and her can continue to live in this atmosphere. I'm not a medic so I've no idea how depressed he is. How much of his issues are depression and how much of it is bad attitude? Did he ever come to terms with having a special needs child?

You mentioned that he's not working at the moment. If he job hunting or is he content to stay at home? This is another reason why it's time to light a fire under him and get him moving. That he didn't want to continue with the counselling suggests he wasn't fully buying into it but you've got to start somewhere.

professore

When some people, particularly men, are depressed, they tend to get angry instead of teary. And as another poster said, it's not easy to have no job and a special needs child at home. Very few men are ever going to be happy with this arrangement. There are plenty of social outlets for stay at home mums, and virtually nothing for stay at home dads. Is there any way you could both work part time or something so that he gets out of the house a bit?

A first step is talking about it in a calm and non accusatory way.

tara73

why is he not working/has a job? is he in between searching for a new one?

or is he unfit for work due to his depression?

having no job and sitting at home is ruining your self esteem and your mood. it could explain his mood swings. I was unemployed for different reasons for longer periods of time. It's a horrible situation, you feel more and more unhappy, depressed and mood swings were becoming the norm.

so I think it's very important to know why he's unemployed and how this situation can be solved. If he's not fit for work he could also do some voluntary work in a field he likes. could give him back some satisfaction and self esteem.

rm75

John Hutton wrote: »

He is unemployed. Has a disabled child who requires 24hr care. Says he is a 'little' (for him to say this probably means a lot) depressed. He tried to see a GP and it was no help.

OP it sounds like he needs help tbh

Yeah, i'm a father of a child with special needs. Its a fairly all encompasing role made harder by the fact that most other parents wont know what your struggles are, so its hard to find someone to talk to. I also think support for mothers of kids with special needs is a lot more developed, while fathers are supposed to just get on with it. Society still places males in stereotypical roles to a certain extent.

Personally i still get angry from time to time about the struggles my child faces and will continue to face. If your husbands not working does he get out and a chance to socialise much? I'd suggest that is pretty important particularly if he suffers depression.
I'd give him some slack given your situation that i probably wouldnt give others. Help rather then threats would be my suggestion.

professore

tara73 wrote: »

why is he not working/has a job? is he in between searching for a new one?

or is he unfit for work due to his depression?

having no job and sitting at home is ruining your self esteem and your mood. it could explain his mood swings. I was unemployed for different reasons for longer periods of time. It's a horrible situation, you feel more and more unhappy, depressed and mood swings were becoming the norm.

so I think it's very important to know why he's unemployed and how this situation can be solved. If he's not fit for work he could also do some voluntary work in a field he likes. could give him back some satisfaction and self esteem.

The OP says she works full time. If her husband gets a job too their child will need full time care. Very difficult to find for a child with special needs.

Plopsu

There are two posters above who say that the OP does all the work with her daughter. Could they quote where she says this? I've read her post three times and can't see it.

Jurgen Klopp

Plopsu wrote: »

There are two posters above who say that the OP does all the work with her daughter. Could they quote where she says this? I've read her post three times and can't see it.

Either can I tbh. Although the OP did say the child is in nursery 5 days a week but I have no idea how many hours per day it is and you right the husband could be doing everything with the child at home

professore

Plopsu wrote: »

There are two posters above who say that the OP does all the work with her daughter. Could they quote where she says this? I've read her post three times and can't see it.

Not sure what you mean, she works full time in a job outside the home is my interpretation :

care, but he still gets more free time than me because he isnt working currently, she's in nursery 5 days a week and i work full time ).

Big Bag of Chips

Posters are reminded to direct replies to the OP. This is her thread. She has come asking for advice and opinion and speaking about her rather than to her is the height of rudeness. And offers nothing by way of advice to her.

Post on topic, offering advice to the OP, or don't post. It's the basic rule in PI.

LegacyUser

OP, my ex husband was like this. I say ex because the marriage crumbled, I couldn't handle living with someone who I had to tiptoe around constantly, someone with moods that determined entirely how our whole day would go (and it was often badly). We went to marriage counselling for a long time, but eventually it just didn't work anymore. We had other issues, but the crux of it for me was that I was absolutely worn out managing his mindset, it felt like I had a child rather than a husband.

I was fortunate that we did not have children, you are in a more difficult situation because of your daughter. But you are also in a difficult position because how your husband treats and acts around her will also affect her deeply and may cause her issues in adulthood. This is something you really need to think about, as well as the huge impact on your own mental health.

I would not be so quick to pin all of this on depression. Depression is not an excuse to treat your family like this. My own father suffered with depression and anxiety badly and I was not aware of it as a child or teen, he dealt with it privately along with my mother's help, and he never took his issues out on his family.

How he acts at home is a choice. Allowing his moods to seep into how he behaves is a choice. It is possible to have depression and still treat your family with respect and care. It's possible to be depressed and not feel entitled to make other people take the brunt of how you feel.

Making his family walk on eggshells constantly is a form of abuse. Putting you in a position where you have to analyse his mood, watch out for changes in his temperament, be careful of what you say to him, blame you for how he feels, take out his feelings on you and your daughter, leave you without help and support, saying he will change but never actually doing anything about it (so he's aware of how he affects you, but just won't change) - this is a form of emotional abuse that is disastrous for families. No one should be in this position.

I think rather than focusing on your husband anymore, you need to focus on yourself. You have been asking him to get help for a long time and he has not done much, so now it's time to focus on you. Go to a therapist yourself and work out what you need and what you can do, it's worth spending money on, trust me. Confide in someone you trust and talk through your options. If you want to have a last chat with your husband then do, tell him that you need to see change or the marriage will pretty much be done - but follow through with what you say to him. Don't expect change, because it is extremely unlikely that anything will happen on a permanent basis.

You need to think long and hard about what is best for you here. Personally I couldn't live like that anymore and I can't tell you the relief I felt to be free of being someone's emotional punching bag. Just to have days without anyone ruining it with a bad mood, it was incredibly freeing. You might consider this for yourself too, if it's possible.

Plopsu

OP, can we get you to clarify, are you doing everything with your daughter? Or is it primarily your husband? Or is it around 50/50?