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To leave him, or not, please help

LegacyUser

Hey all, I will try to keep this short and still convey the context as best I can.
I am married three years now. My husband (30) has in the past been moody, bordering on depression, and though I have tried my best to cope and to help him and myself at the same time, he has not made it easy. We have a lot in common but our personality types are opposites . I am super polite and respectful of others, not looking for gain from them, while he can be manipulative and can turn on the charm when he wants something.

The problem is that even though I have helped him to better himself, educationally and behavior-wise, he hasn't changed fully and is still difficult to help and to get through to.
The other evening was a breaking point for me. Nothing major happened but I arranged an evening out for us to see a film at a meetup event and 3/4 the way through he was showing me the timetables for the next bus and asking me which one we were taking. He knew I didn't know exactly what time the film ended. He was interrupting the film on me to do that. It was just him trying to be controlling and spoil my good time. He also infringed on other people when he loudly zipped his bag open to find a drink and people turned to see what was causing the commotion.

I don't want this life. I want a better partner. I have seen a psychologist about 5 times about this, and she placed the focus on my self esteem and encouraged me to be patient and help him. Efforts only work temporarily.
He always has to argue, have the last word, and so on, and is not meeting me half way. Every morning he has to be helped get up on time, get his clothes, keys, etc. before work.

His whole demeanor has improved but he is still not seeing things from my perspective. I would do therapy with him except he is completely able to perform and come across well when he wants to, and I don't expect it would help.

He has never been physically violent but he is verbally and emotionally abusive, and does my self esteem no good, whereas I am always boosting his.
Should I just call this a day? And give up on him ever being a decent human being? We do not have kids as he is not mature enough and I don't want to bring kids into something potentially unstable for them. So it is just about me and him and I want to enjoy life more.

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ChrissieH

Hi OP,

I've been following this thread since you first posted and I am interested in the responses as well as your story; when I read your first post, I felt that I could identify with, or at least understand a lot of what you were saying and some of the responses kind of surprised me because I feel like I'm exactly like you; naturally the care-giver in the relationship, capable and independent and able to do everything for myself as well as for others. I don't see myself as controlling or needy, so I held back from responding to you before now because I felt a bit annoyed at some posters comments, judging you for being controlling and negative.
I'm married to a man who is definitely not on any spectrum and doesn't have any sort of learning issues or anything like that, but as the years have gone by, I've learned that his childhood was far from the fun time he'd made it out to be, and suffice to say, it's left a lot of psychological and emotional issues that have contributed to addiction, depressive cycles and a lack of ambition, organisation, responsibility etc on his part, coupled with a poor education, like your husband. My husband has been in and out of employment for years now and I don't think people understand the financial pressure that this creates, so like you, I would apply for jobs on his behalf and make his lunch and things like that, to try to ensure that he was earning money because at the end of the day, we are married, I can't do it all on my own, and if this is what it takes to make sure he's working and getting out of the house, then this is what I need to do - believe me, I wish it were different, but these traits in him became more and more exaggerated as the years went by; it wasn't as obvious 10 years ago as it is now, and I bet you're in a similar situation.

I think some people here were very quick to judge you but I just wanted to throw my opinion in because I feel for you.
I'm delighted that you spoke openly to your husband and that there's a bit of progress, it's been the only thing saving my marriage, but that doesn't mean that it will happen quickly - for me, it's been about 3 years of my husband repeating fairly negative patterns that have pushed me to question whether I can tolerate this, but then thankfully, we're able to talk and get through it all.
I'm still carrying 90% of the burden of life, and I don't see that changing any time soon. That's just how it is and I am strong enough to do it, but it would be nice to get a break and I often do think about how lucky some women are, to have husbands who are just "normal"! Helping out with everything, making decisions, getting jobs done without having to be nagged, taking initiative etc. I wish my husband was like that but he's just not, he's emotionally damaged due to stuff from the past, and the more time that goes by, the more this damage becomes apparent but I'm hopeful that he'll emerge out the other side once he manages to talk through things and get them off his chest, which is happening on a very very slow, gradual basis.
All I can do is take it on a day-by-day basis, but that's ok for me, I'm not really a planner or a future-thinker anyway. You might be different, in which case, it's going to be difficult for you. At 30, you possibly want a family and I don't know if you have a mortgage - luckily, we don't, or we'd probably have been homeless by now - but the biggest thing, which you've already realised, is that you HAVE to live your life for yourself, first and foremost. Pouring all your energy into someone else who just takes and takes is beyond draining, which is why you're so exhausted now.
I get it.
Mind yourself x

Bigmac1euro

shadaladyada wrote: »

You are projecting too much from your own experience to my case, which is completely different. I am happy for you that you got out of a controlling situation, if that was indeed the case.

As I said in my last post, my husband would be the first to say I am not in the least controlling.
So you missed the issue, entirely, as you are thinking about yourself.

Apologies if you feel I misinterpreted what you meant. But I can only go off what you have posted so far. And from an outside point of view it looked like a classic case of one person being extremely controlling and the other person not willing to change.
I suppose what I understand from you're posts was that he needed help with how to do things you're way when in fact he would rather be left to his own devices in certain situations.
I'm also going off past experience and this all reminded me of it but maybe not as extreme and plus everyone else's situations are different and for comparing the two maybe I was wrong

I really do think some people are not compatible after the romance fades.
Some people don't team up well. Past relationships have proved this for me.

And I've had numerous long term relationships, I'm like Ross from friends. But its amazing who you may find after all the searching and now I'm happy to stay where I am.

What I am trying to say OP is maybe if you keep looking you'll find someone to match you better than you could have ever imagined.

Also, I do really hope things work out for you and you're situation. I hope you's can become more compatible if that makes sense. Good luck

.......

shadaladyada wrote: »

I do not need someone to help though.

You have given quite a lot of conflicting information on this thread.

Im not criticising you btw, but maybe read over the thread at a later point, when you are less emotionally connected to it, and see how you have chopped and changed the things you are saying as a response to people pointing out things that you dont like to hear.

You began by saying that you thought you could fix your husband and that you were behaving as a carer even to the point of helping him get up out of bed.

As the thread has gone on you have rowed back a bit on this and minimised it to you simply being a caring person, with him suddenly not like that at the start and that you only helped things he couldnt help himself with.

Im not going to bother going back to quote your various position changes - but I think you moving the goalposts quite a bit as the thread goes on.

LegacyUser

sbsquarepants wrote: »

All sounds promising OP - I hope it all works out for you!

Sounds like you both know what you need to do, that's maybe a third of the battle, 2 thirds is actually doing it. Best of luck

Thank you so very much for your help, it has really made a difference to me. I wish you the very best too in all of your own endeavors in life.

LegacyUser

....... wrote: »

Codependency doesnt mean that you are also a victim who he tries to fix.

It means that 2 people are living in a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship and as described your relationship fits the dynamic perfectly.

He needs help, you need someone to help. Its classic co-dependency.

I do not need someone to help though. For years I was not in a relationship at all. I just had to be there for my father for example when he was very ill - I came up to the surface, other siblings didn't to the same (or enough of a) degree. It is just happens by nature that if I have someone in my circle who needs help, I show up.

My husband wasn't needing my help at the beginning of our relationship as such because he was in a deadend job and for a good 6 months I didn't interfere until I thought hang on, he has dyslexia, he fears and hates exams, classrooms, resents teachers not taking on board he has issues spelling or reading at speed. And then other issues surfaced when he got a better job (based on having his leaving cert and learning key skills for his job which he mostly did by himself). I only helped him where he could not help himself. The problem was he didn't take the same care about any gaps I had in my life skills, etc but he is conceding this now, and I have yet to see now if there is carry through, and I expect there to be as it is a partnership.

I need friends and companionship like every human. Being more introverted, a listener, etc. I have deviated by nature towards more outgoing people who like to be centre of attention, as I do not require to be at the centre of things. So this has just made me fall into friendships and rels where I was effectively placing myself as the number 2.
The psychologist is helping me with this. She said my batteries are low and I need to get my energy back / build up my energy. Because I became exhausted, and I feel it.

.......

shadaladyada wrote: »

We are not codependent either. He doesn't do anything to fix me nor do I live in a victim mode of needing help. The psych was quick to say that isn't the case when I raised that as a possibility after it was mentioned here.

Codependency doesnt mean that you are also a victim who he tries to fix.

It means that 2 people are living in a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship and as described your relationship fits the dynamic perfectly.

He needs help, you need someone to help. Its classic co-dependency.

leggo

shadaladyada wrote: »

We are not codependent either. He doesn't do anything to fix me nor do I live in a victim mode of needing help.

Flip that dynamic around then re-read your post talking about trying to fix him and how he needs your help to get out of bed, do his LC etc.

sbsquarepants

All sounds promising OP - I hope it all works out for you!

Sounds like you both know what you need to do, that's maybe a third of the battle, 2 thirds is actually doing it. Best of luck

LegacyUser

Bigmac1euro wrote: »

Op you sound like my ex.
It was the worst time in my whole life. Since we split years ago I found a woman I truly love and I have been doing better than ever at life in general.
She spent the whole relationship trying to change me. It was actually weird,I think she had mental issues looking back now.

We were not compatible in the slightest. It was absolute insanity come to think of it.
I ended up jumping on a plane and leaving her this exact day 5 years ago.

You are projecting too much from your own experience to my case, which is completely different. I am happy for you that you got out of a controlling situation, if that was indeed the case.

As I said in my last post, my husband would be the first to say I am not in the least controlling.
So you missed the issue, entirely, as you are thinking about yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks, everyone, for your contributions. Some have hit the nail on the head, others made me question what I thought and realized it isn't the way commenters thought it was. So it has all helped. I also saw the psychologist yesterday and having asked here first, I had some fresh thinking and questions. I truly appreciate the straight talking, kindness, and advice from you. Of course one or two posters didnt interpret the situation closely enough to make an insight that would add some weight and help but I take responsibility for that as I could only convey a certain amount in my first post without making it too long and after that it is hard to clear up the fuzz.

First of all, he agrees it would be a really good idea for him to be assessed for being on the spectrum.And my psychologist said it needs to be him who follows up on this, and not me doing it for him, which he is going to do he said.

He has fended for himself for two mornings now and today he said he realized, that he has genuine issues organising himself in the morning. So all of the offloading he put on me, and I undertook to help him, deflected from him facing this, and I didnt think of the possibility he was on the spectrum, but coupled with other things about him, it makes sense. So we can get this issue sorted and separate it from the rest of his behaviour.

He has also listened to my concerns about his cuttingness, his mean remarks, and on how I need him to respect that there are things I will want to do, movies I want to see, and if he doesn't like those things, he has to choose between not taking part, and if he does, being respectful. He agrees that this is the right way forward. He said he wanted to go as he values our free time together and wanted to be with me, about the bus thing, he said he didnt think I would be bothered that he asked me and he said it wasn't done to provoke me.
As I said earlier I never test him, I live my life normally, and dont set out to test his reactions. And because of that, this could happen again in 6 months when he disagrees with an event, and it would rise up again, so it is important to sort it.

New posters still continue to stress that I am controlling. Again, it is a complete misreading. Maybe you are projecting too much of your own experience and using it as affirmation for your own decisions to leave your partner, as is the case for a recent poster at least.

My personality isn't controlling at all, it is just that I am a carer type, coupled with a type of person who works, gets on with things, likes efficiency. It doesn't veer into controlling behaviour and my husband would be the first person to tell you that. I have merely stepped in to help him in getting up, but also, job applications, helping him get his leaving certificate - stuff he couldn't work up the courage to do. He has helped me also but less so as I needed less help and never asked or expected any.

To also address what some people said about me not mentioning any good points about him and clearly not being in love with him, etc.
I do still love him but there was a logical side to me that became alert and that side questioned if I should be in this situation and if I should begin to fall out of love with him and find someone that doesn't demand or feel entitled to so much help and do as much for me, that kind of thing. I am aware I help others more than myself, always did, friends, etc. as I have a resilient and caring character. It is hard to explain but I take knocks and get back up again.
But since being with my husband I have neglected myself and dont spend enough time on my hobbies, what I like doing, and that is why the cinema thing got to me so much.

Incidentally the psychologist didn't find that incident to be so serious but did say he should show me respect and read my feelings and react when I am upset. As he doesn't do that.
I mentioned these problems and bad qualities of his as these are the problems I need to face. He has tons of good qualities which is why I love him and fell in love with him. I do not need to list them even now to prove or show that as when I came here to ask for help, I was so focused on the problem and on explaining it. It was too hard to think of all possible contexts to cover as I had crashed.

So now there seems to be a breakthrough with him. He understands I cannot take the old routine and he understands it is not good for him also. He understands I have been broken by it all, by carrying the load of our everyday tasks, and all else. He admits he contributed to that, he says that himself, and of course I am responsible for not facing it sooner and for enabling his neediness.

We are not codependent either. He doesn't do anything to fix me nor do I live in a victim mode of needing help. The psych was quick to say that isn't the case when I raised that as a possibility after it was mentioned here.

Bigmac1euro

Op you sound like my ex.
It was the worst time in my whole life. Since we split years ago I found a woman I truly love and I have been doing better than ever at life in general.
She spent the whole relationship trying to change me. It was actually weird,I think she had mental issues looking back now.

We were not compatible in the slightest. It was absolute insanity come to think of it.
I ended up jumping on a plane and leaving her this exact day 5 years ago.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think any of the posts here have been horrible to you OP. But as leggo mentions, we can't advise on what your husband should be doing, because that's not going to make him do it. Nor should everyone here just sit back and tell you he's the worst person in the world and you're dead right.

You are right in thinking you need to leave. I think that has been the general consensus. But people are right to point out where you have fundamentally gone wrong. Maybe in the hope that you will avoid a similar situation in future.

You are the one posting. You are the one people are advising. We can only advise you. If he posted looking for advice, he would get advice based on what he posted. And it is very likely he'd also hear a few things he'd rather not.

leggo

What people need to remember is that we can’t advise the husband on what he should do because he’s not here. So slating him actually doesn’t help anyone, and in codependent situations they rely on one subject thinking the other is broken and needing to fix them rather than looking at their own responsibility for the situation (ie they committed to it while knowing it was broken). That rejection of responsibility is what keeps them there. Accepting it, and their power to change their own fate, is what can actually move their life to a better place.

tara73

woa, I'm quite shocked about the responses here and how things, for me, got twisted around, labelling you the controlling one, making the main subject about you wanting to change him. yes, this might be a flaw in your character or in this relationship, but it's not the main subject.

the main thing is that you have a horrible husband by your side. I'm not completely sure whether it was in your thread here, but didn't you mentioned he's hating black people and also women kind of in general? that's unbearable and a waste of time to analyse this individual or even defend him. all the things, also the 'small' ones (which are no small ones), show me his nervwrecking manipulative character. I have some experience with people like this in my closest family, so that's probably why I can relate to you a lot.

I think your only 'mistake' if we want to call it like that is yes, you fell in love with this man and already stayed way too long with him.

so my only advice would be to get rid as soon as possible and don't let yourself be dragged down by some, from my point of view, horrible posts here, trying to blame you.

SirChenjin

It's not a good or happy relationship for either of you, by the sound of it. I honestly think you would be better off separated.

Idle Passerby

When asked if you love your husband your responce sounded alarm bells for me

shadaladyada wrote: »

Of course! Why do you think I allowed the controlling and name calling and emotional abuse to go for as long as it did?

Love isnt allowing someone to control, verbally and emotionally abuse you. Thats being a doormat and/or a martyr.

It was immature and naive to jump into a legally binding commitment to someone you wernt totally happy with in the hopes of changing them. On the plus side you're still young and dont have children. So I say leave and start fresh with someone you can actually have an adult partnership with.

You both sound unhappy and irritated by the whole situation so why not call it a day rather than martyring yourself further by slogging it out. Life is far too short.

leggo

OP what do you want to hear? That you’re right and you’re a victim and he’s an awful man? I know you feel like you need support...but what good does that do you? You’re not right in thinking that you can change him, or that you’ve any right to try change anyone (even with the dramatic stuff you didn’t mention). This relationship is still codependent and unhealthy. And staying in it and being a victim, trying to change him, will still lead to your unhappiness.

Don’t be a victim. You can do something about this. And since changing someone isn’t an option ever, your option is to tell him you are leaving if the abusive behaviour stops then following through with it if/when it doesn’t. Or just leave now and save the arguments, because trying to change him hasn’t gotten you any more happy so far.

ElizaBennett

I think all of the discussion around the details is moot here as you are unhappy. We have divorce in Ireland. You don't have kids to complicate that process so just leave him and get a divorce and move on to have a happy life either on your own or with a new guy. He might well do the same.

He sounds a lot like my son in many ways (minus the verbal abuse and controlling stuff etc.) My son is in college and has had anxiety and depression since the age of 16. He cannot wake himself up in the mornings and often sleeps for 24 hours if he's home alone or away in college accommodation without me there to help him. I have tried tough love and leaving him asleep and letting him miss college and appointments and meetings but the GP told me to stop that and help him instead as he needs me and he needs the help. But he is my child and always will be so I will do what I can for him and won't resent it (mostly!) He could also quite possibly be on the spectrum as he has many issues and also some OCD problems and agoraphobia that flares up at times. I'm getting a lot of echoes of this in your posts OP BUT having issues and mental problems doens't change the fact that you're not in love any more and you need to leave. Just do it, calmly and quietly and no need for slanging matches. It's just over. Best of luck

splinter65

ncmc wrote: »

In all the posts you have posted here, you have not mentioned ONE single positive thing about him. Not one. The closest you came to it was saying he could be charming, but even that was a caveat that he used it to be manipulative and get what he wants. Oh sorry, you did say one thing, that he is a good cook :rolleyes: So aside from the verbal and emotional abuse, the dependancy, the jealousy and all the other mad stuff, if you can't say one single nice thing about your partner, then yes, it's time to leave. And giving things another month isn't going to change anything.

Just on the part about helping him get ready in the morning. Could this possibly be a symptom of his depression? My husband has what he calls 'Walter Mitty' syndrome where he is constantly losing stuff, keys, wallet, coat etc. Not just the odd time, we all do that, I mean at least once a fortnight, he will lose something to the degree that it could be missing for a day or more and we have to turn the house upside down looking for it. I have tried to get him to leave his stuff in the same place every time, but it's like his brain isn't wired that way. I genuinely believe it is a symptom of his depression, that he can't just focus on things and concentrate. Now of course this is nothing like on your husbands level, but it could be a symptom of his overall depression, but to be honest, I agree with the previous posters, it sounds more like he is on the spectrum.

Walter Mittyitis as I call it is more imagining that you are a far more important respected member of society then you actually are, almost a totally different persona to the person you actually are. It can involve exaggerating or even fabricating minor incidents that you were involved in to the point where you were the chief instigator, or you saved the day entirely, whereas in reality you were only an observer.
“ I spotted flames coming from the kitchen window and I kicked in the door and pulled the woman out and laid her down and gave her the kiss of life”.
When all you actually did was dial 999.
It’s irritating to be around and can be embarrassing for family members when they realise that people are laughing at your loved one.
You will find them in every voluntary organization in the country from the St V de Paul in Ballina to Ballygobackwards GAA Club, telling everyone else what to do and reminding everyone how good they are at everything themselves.

ncmc

In all the posts you have posted here, you have not mentioned ONE single positive thing about him. Not one. The closest you came to it was saying he could be charming, but even that was a caveat that he used it to be manipulative and get what he wants. Oh sorry, you did say one thing, that he is a good cook :rolleyes: So aside from the verbal and emotional abuse, the dependancy, the jealousy and all the other mad stuff, if you can't say one single nice thing about your partner, then yes, it's time to leave. And giving things another month isn't going to change anything.

Just on the part about helping him get ready in the morning. Could this possibly be a symptom of his depression? My husband has what he calls 'Walter Mitty' syndrome where he is constantly losing stuff, keys, wallet, coat etc. Not just the odd time, we all do that, I mean at least once a fortnight, he will lose something to the degree that it could be missing for a day or more and we have to turn the house upside down looking for it. I have tried to get him to leave his stuff in the same place every time, but it's like his brain isn't wired that way. I genuinely believe it is a symptom of his depression, that he can't just focus on things and concentrate. Now of course this is nothing like on your husbands level, but it could be a symptom of his overall depression, but to be honest, I agree with the previous posters, it sounds more like he is on the spectrum.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

The fact is that you continually expect him to be a different person, and he continually lets you down by just being him.

Whose idea was it for him to go along as moral support on the night you worked in the bar? It sounds like you wanted him there. But how much moral support was he going to be if you ignored each other, and he was there getting progressively more drunk for the entirety of your shift?

The cinema example, was it a film he would ordinarily be interested in? There are things I like, there are things my husband likes, and then there are things we both like. I don't bring him along to things he hasn't much interest in, because I know he won't be interested and I won't enjoy it!

I'll agree with you that he sounds fairly useless. But I think you also put him in situations to test him. Situations that you suspect he's very likely to 'fail' in, and then you can somehow feel more validated for feeling the way you do about him.

You two are in no way compatible. Another month isn't going to change that.

No, there is no putting him into situations to test him, I told him he didn't have to come to the film but he insisted on going. So it was entirely his own doing. Why would I want to test him?

I asked him I think to go for moral support which was naive of me, but this was years ago, and it was back when I was more naive about all of this. Also I could never have anticipated his response, the 7 pints, getting difficult, etc. It is extreme and in no way could someone anticipate that. At the time he had heard his mother had a tumour - it was nothing to be worried about the doctors had said, but he used it to add to his self pity.

I absolutely would never invite someone to something if they are not interested in it. This movie night was part of a bigger and longer event that I am interested in; he insisted on going.
But I am going to address that with him, now that you phrased it this way, and ask him why did he insist on going if he wasn't interested.

Also I never said he is useless, or fairly useless. That isn't the problem at all.

LegacyUser

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I don't mean to jump to conclusions - but if you leave out huge chunks of the story you can't get annoyed that people take you up wrong. You said you left your job, when people found out you knew him - there was no mention drunken humiliations or cops being called. You said you left because he called you by name!

But seriously, if this is the way he carries on what the hell were you thinking bringing him along "for support"

To be honest this sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship. There's a big difference in making someone a cup of tea and them not being able to get themselves to work without help.

You need to stop "helping" him. It's not helping either him or you. I think you should sit him down and tell him that you are going to be only looking after yourself for a while and that he needs to do the same. If he fúcks up his job, burns his dinner or whatever other calamity befalls him - he will just have to deal with it like a grown up!

For your part - you need to step back and allow him to do just that.

Maybe I'm projecting somewhat from my own past, and If I am I apologise, but I don't think you're as faultless as you seem to think you are. At the very least, you're enabling this bullshít.

The truth is uncomfortable sometimes - take a step back and let him be an adult - warts and all!

Thank you, this is all really solid advice and am going to address my role in this, and as you said I have enabled it, even if I wasn't aware I was. He was autonomous this morning, at least, and he agrees he should be assessed for Aspergers and as he does have dyslexia also he will ask about doing a full assessment.

Porklife

You both sound miserable, you're unhappy with him but I doubt it's a day at the races for him with you either.
The bar situation is just bizarre. Why did you need support to pull a pint and what kind of support can a drunk guy pretending not to know you be?! He was talking about suicide and you seem to have just glossed over that. Very odd altogether. Was he there to make sure no punters hit on you, did you ask him to be there? Very needy and weird either way.
Should you leave? Well obviously yes!

splinter65

shadaladyada wrote: »

Of course! Why do you think I allowed the controlling and name calling and emotional abuse to go for as long as it did?

Ok this is definitely a problem that you need to address. Being in love, or just loving someone, doesn’t mean that you automatically are rendered with such low self worth, such bad self esteem, that you allow yourself to be abused.
Move on from this guy, but you need to get self confidence and self esteem and dignity before you get involved with someone else, or you will just find yourself attracted to the same type of guy again and again.

Big Bag of Chips

The fact is that you continually expect him to be a different person, and he continually lets you down by just being him.

Whose idea was it for him to go along as moral support on the night you worked in the bar? It sounds like you wanted him there. But how much moral support was he going to be if you ignored each other, and he was there getting progressively more drunk for the entirety of your shift?

The cinema example, was it a film he would ordinarily be interested in? There are things I like, there are things my husband likes, and then there are things we both like. I don't bring him along to things he hasn't much interest in, because I know he won't be interested and I won't enjoy it!

I'll agree with you that he sounds fairly useless. But I think you also put him in situations to test him. Situations that you suspect he's very likely to 'fail' in, and then you can somehow feel more validated for feeling the way you do about him.

You two are in no way compatible. Another month isn't going to change that.

wiggle16

Hi again OP

You have to remember that people are posting based upon what you have written. If people say you are controlling and he sounds dependent rather than abusive, they aren't getting that from nowhere. Its based on what you've written.

I did think when I first responded to you that your part in this did sound like you were a bit smothering, but I took it at face value that when you said he was emotionally and verbally abusive that this was the case, and so myself I didn't see the point in bringing up how I would feel about your behaviour.

You're saying that there is a lot more to this and that he's abusive. Posters, as noted, are only going to go on what you've written, and what you've described (cinema, turning up at the bar, bus etc) sounds like bad behaviour and dependency rather than emotional abuse. That's what posters are basing their answers on. They are comparing your behaviours to determine where the fault/problem lies and therefore how to advise you.

You don't have to give any more information of course, but if you say you are being verbally/emotionally abused, but dont give examples of that and the examples you do give sound like an unhealthy parental relationship rather than an abusive marital one, you are going to get answers accordingly. I'm sure you can appreciate that.

I dont think it changes much with regards whether you should leave though so I'm not revising my advice either. You are not happy, you're not in love with him anymore and you possibly made a mistake getting married. If there is abuse there, that's all the more reason to go. If not, as others have said, give it a month if you want, but the dynamic needs to change completely if that's to work.

Once again, good luck OP.

sbsquarepants

shadaladyada wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote entire post.

I don't mean to jump to conclusions - but if you leave out huge chunks of the story you can't get annoyed that people take you up wrong. You said you left your job, when people found out you knew him - there was no mention drunken humiliations or cops being called. You said you left because he called you by name!

But seriously, if this is the way he carries on what the hell were you thinking bringing him along "for support"

To be honest this sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship. There's a big difference in making someone a cup of tea and them not being able to get themselves to work without help.

You need to stop "helping" him. It's not helping either him or you. I think you should sit him down and tell him that you are going to be only looking after yourself for a while and that he needs to do the same. If he fúcks up his job, burns his dinner or whatever other calamity befalls him - he will just have to deal with it like a grown up!

For your part - you need to step back and allow him to do just that.

Maybe I'm projecting somewhat from my own past, and If I am I apologise, but I don't think you're as faultless as you seem to think you are. At the very least, you're enabling this bullshít.

The truth is uncomfortable sometimes - take a step back and let him be an adult - warts and all!

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote entire post.

I am fully respectful of the people here, I don't need to be told to respect others, esp in this context, where as you said, they are replying to my request for help.
It is just that one person above stated it was weird that I didnt tell anyone he was there, etc. There are often good reasons for things that seem 'weird'. I merely addressed that and pointed it out to that person who might learn from that.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note

OP, people can only advise you based on what you post. If you leave out relevant details you cannot expect posters to fill in the blanks. This is an advice forum where people post advice, and naturally form opinions and base their advice on what the poster has posted.

Please respect the people who are taking time to offer advice to you. If you are not happy with the advice you can clarify or disregard as you see fit.

Big Bag of Chips

shadaladyada wrote: »

Of course! Why do you think I allowed the controlling and name calling and emotional abuse to go for as long as it did?

That is something that you need to prioritise in your counselling. Rather than focus on how yo change him.