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Personal comments in workplace

LegacyUser

Hi,

I have a colleague (who's not a friend or anything) who constantly makes comments about my getting pregnant since I got married 2 years ago.
Of course he's not to know about the multiple miscarriages I've had, but I feel that regardless it's completely out of line to regularly make comments.

I was out sick for a few days and his first question was "a little bit of morning sickness was it?". Another colleague went out on maternity and his comment was "when are you planning your maternity leave". I could go on and on.
And if he's not asking me questions about it, he's telling me how his life was not complete until he had his kids and how wonderful it is to have children.

No one knows about our attempts to start a family (my boss doesn't like to hire women for that reason). I don't want to draw attention to the matter but I'm at the end of my rope. I'm afraid I'll start crying or something next time he mentions it. And I'm not a cryer but it's really starting to get to me.
What should I do?

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Dial Hard

Just tell him to stop. Literally all you have to say is "My reproductive status is no longer up for discussion." End of.

LegacyUser

Sorry I should have said that I had told him to stop with the comments and he just replied "oooh that'll be the hormones"
And has subsequently remarked that 2019 will be the year when we hear the patter of an extra pair of little feet

witchgirl26

Ask him a question about his sex life. If he gets annoyed etc about it say that him constantly talking about what is essentially your sex life is the same thing and would he please stop.

Seriously though just say it to him straight that your having kids or not is nothing to do with him and you don't like him continuously commentating on it so it needs to stop now. No please or anything. Don't even say it upset or anything - just deadpan.

Mr. Incognito

I'd raise an issue with HR

Commenting on pregnancy status is a no no but you need to bring it to the attention of your employers so they have an opportunity to do something about it.

Bobtheman

Give him another warning then go to HR. Once you have run to HR it creates more hassle .

SusieBlue

I wouldn't even bother with the warning, he sounds like an ignorant d*ckhead with zero self awareness.
Go straight to HR and/or a senior manager.
You shouldn't have to tell him this is insensitive and inappropriate behaviour, but if he must be told, let it be by someone in a position of authority.

Big Bag of Chips

Personally I would pull him aside and ask him to stop. I know your medical records are none of his business but in this instance, personally, I would have no problem saying 'I have had multiple miscarriages not that that's any of your business. Do not ask me again'.

It should shut him up on the spot and maybe make him consider making such comments to others in future.

.......

He sounds like an absolute moron. There was a guy with a similar level of idiocy in my last job but he wasnt trying to get a rise out of people the way this guy sounds like he is.

I wouldnt bother with the warning either. Just report him.

.......

Bobtheman wrote: »

Give him another warning then go to HR. Once you have run to HR it creates more hassle .

Appalling turn of phrase.

Adults do not "run to HR" - we are not in the schoolyard here. If there is an issue in the working environment then you report it to HR. The attitude you are displaying is that someone it is "bold" to contact HR with a problem. It isnt.

3DataModem

A polite email.

Then an impolite but fact-based one, CCing HR.

You don't need to give reasons or rationale, just that you don't think it is appropriate to discuss in workplace, and that repeated requests to STFU are not being taken seriously.

blackbox

....... wrote: »

Appalling turn of phrase.

Adults do not "run to HR" - we are not in the schoolyard here. If there is an issue in the working environment then you report it to HR. The attitude you are displaying is that someone it is "bold" to contact HR with a problem. It isnt.

I would never recommend reporting anything to HR until all other avenues have been exhausted. Never forget that HR exists for the benefit of the employer. You can rapidly lose control of the situation.
If you have made it very clear to the offender thar you want him/her to stop and the behaviour continues, report it to your line manager next. You should keep a record of these conversations.

Rubberchikken

you dont need to explain yourself to him.
youve given him ample chances to cop on.
complain him.

woodchuck

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Personally I would pull him aside and ask him to stop. I know your medical records are none of his business but in this instance, personally, I would have no problem saying 'I have had multiple miscarriages not that that's any of your business. Do not ask me again'.

It should shut him up on the spot and maybe make him consider making such comments to others in future.

Yeah I think this is your only chance of getting him to shut up without getting HR involved. However if you (very understandably) don't want to go down that route, I think HR is your only other option.

Sunny Dayz

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Personally I would pull him aside and ask him to stop. I know your medical records are none of his business but in this instance, personally, I would have no problem saying 'I have had multiple miscarriages not that that's any of your business. Do not ask me again'.

It should shut him up on the spot and maybe make him consider making such comments to others in future.

I wouldn't tell him about the miscarriages. You have already told him on a number of occasions that his comments are not acceptable and to stop and he has not respected your wishes nor stopped the comments. If you tell him about your miscarriages I would worry that he mentions this the next time you are out sick whether it be miscarriage related or not.

ElizaBennett

I would also tell him about the miscarriages - if only to embarrass and upset him, which would give me satisfaction. But it's always possible that it wouldn't work and he'd start to pry about that. Then I'd go to HR.

Faith

I'm really sorry to hear about your miscarriages, OP

.

I think I'd try very calmly and factually addressing it with him again. Something like, "John, you seem to think it's funny or acceptable to make frequent comments about pregnancy to me. I'll take this opportunity to remind you that you have no knowledge about what goes on behind closed doors. Your constant remarks are touching on an extremely sensitive area for me, and I imagine you'd be horrified if you understood the actual impact of your remarks. I do not plan on discussing this further with you, but suffice to say, your comments are not harmless, funny or acceptable. This is the last time that I will ask you to stop, and I hope that you take this on board or I will have to escalate the matter". I'd probably put it in writing, to have a record.

If he doesn't cop on after that, then go to your manager and/or HR.

.......

There is no way I would reveal private information to a mouthy fool like this in an effort to shut him up - no way.

Next thing you know he will be asking if youve had another miscarriage when you are out sick.

He doesnt need an explanation - his comments are unprofessional and inappropriate.

shesty

Don't tell him about the miscarriages.

That is your private medical information; I can 100% guarantee you if you asked him to share about his private medical info, like his cholestrol levels or prostate problems (for example) he would be horrified. You are under no obligation to tell him that.

Unfortunately there are still people out there who don't seem to get that other people's reproductive choices are absolutely none of their business. Personally I'd firstly ask him when he last had sex with his wife (coz essentially that's what he's asking you, right?), secondly I would pull him aside and very seriously say that quite honestly it's none of his business and he needs to stop commenting on it (without using the word please, if you can manage it...), third time, I would probably have a chat with my manager (maybe in that case you could mention you are having some medical problems - no detail, if they don't already know) and after all that - THEN I would have a quiet chat with HR.

Daisy78

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Personally I would pull him aside and ask him to stop. I know your medical records are none of his business but in this instance, personally, I would have no problem saying 'I have had multiple miscarriages not that that's any of your business. Do not ask me again'.

It should shut him up on the spot and maybe make him consider making such comments to others in future.

One hundred per cent this. He probably sees this as banter, willfully ignorant of the effect of his comments on you. I’d take him aside and tell him about your miscarriages and that you find his comments wholly inappropriate. If he has any integrity he will stop. If he doesn’t then I’d escalate it up to management/HR level. Personal comments such as these have no place in the office.

lemontart

Do have work email? If so I would email him, for two reasons 1. as its easier to have a conversation with someone like this through a non face to face and 2. you have a record.
I would say something like
Dear X
I have asked you to stop in person several times, but as that seems to have had no effect, I am now asking you through this email, to please stop asking and making comments about my personal private info. To be clear I am referencing your numerous remarks about my fertility, possible pregnancy etc. These comments are unwelcome, they are intrusive and they are not funny or lighthearted whether or not you think they are.

Should they continue I will have no choice but to escalate this further.

Thanks for understanding

dellas1979

Do not tell him about your miscarriages or imply any angst on your part at all. Seems he has the emotional intelligence of a spud.

Try this before exploring other avenues (HR/complaint).

Next time he starts.

Stand up straight. Turn directly to him, look him in the eye. And hold his eye contact, even when he squirms (practice this if needed infront of a mirror or with someone). Nod your head as youre talking and raise eyebows.

"I discuss personal matters with my husband only." (in a slow firm, but friendly tone). Reply to nothing. Dont engage with any "oh god, I didnt....." Smile and wish him a nice rest of day. Walk on.

Done.

Neyite

I'm sorry for your losses.

I had similar, but it was my BIL and sometimes my SIL who was constantly on about it. One evening we were out for a drink and the usual ribbing about would any of us ever get around to giving his kids cousins started. That day was particularly bad as I'd found out that morning that we weren't pregnant again that month and tbh, I just wanted to have a drink and put it out of my head that night. So I barked a snarky reply to him. As he was a bit further away he didn't hear but his wife did, and hauled me off in private where we had a good chat (and a bit of a cry) and she actually became a brilliant support to me once she knew (and I suspect she also told her husband to dial it down.)

Look, I agree with both the tell him/don't tell him points of view - but depending on the relationship with him outside of this issue would really determine my actions. If it was someone that was otherwise nice enough, could be trusted to be discreet, and thereafter mind their own business then maybe I'd tell him. But if he was the kind of person who would start to just shift his 'expertise' to fertility instead of parenthood and continue to talk down to you I don't think I'd be responsible for my actions if he tried to tell me ways I might 'cure' the miscarriages. I have had losses and I could not tell my colleagues about them though I did talk about them here on boards. It was just to raw to tell people face to face.

So, maybe instead of telling him and therefore trusting him not to say or do anything insensitive about so personal I'd probably say something the next time he says it like "John, why are you so obsessed by my sex life? Seriously, you constantly ask me this really personal question and I have no intention of answering it. Ever. So drop it right now please. And before you say it, no, I'm NOT hormonal. I just don't appreciate you continuing to question me about something that is nobody's business but mine and my husbands."

After that, I'd just give him a death stare at him every time he brought it up and say nothing, just turn away without a word.

C3PO

....... wrote: »

Adults do not "run to HR" - we are not in the schoolyard here. If there is an issue in the working environment then you report it to HR. The attitude you are displaying is that someone it is "bold" to contact HR with a problem. It isnt.

In theory you are correct but in reality, in any workplace I have worked in, going to HR would be my last "port of call"! Much better to try to sort it at a personal level if possible.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for your replies.
I was at my wits end yesterday but I feel much better today - It's like having a team behind you!

I've decided to take the bull by the horns and email him today. I'm going to borrow from some of your suggestions, but I don't think I'll mention the miscarriages but rather allude to them. I'm going to tell him how out of order his questions and comments are and how uncomfortable they've made me feel.
I'm also going to include that I'll be forced to escalate this if he continues to pester me.

Thanks again for all the support. It has been of a great help

Bobtheman

....... wrote: »

Appalling turn of phrase.

Adults do not "run to HR" - we are not in the schoolyard here. If there is an issue in the working environment then you report it to HR. The attitude you are displaying is that someone it is "bold" to contact HR with a problem. It isnt.

My apologies that wasnt my intention. I would take issue with your line "If there is an issue then you report it to HR" is simplistic. You should only go to HR when you have failed to resolve the issue 1 to 1. Standard advice is to try to sort it yourself first. Unless the incident immediately crosses a serious line. Sometimes people do "run" to HR without trying to resolve it -often on trivial matters and you then have long term damage to a working environment.
However the incidents as outlined were serious and not my intention to imply they would not merit HR intervention
However the e mail you sent was a good idea. Hope that resolves it . He will hopefully appreciate your discretion and learn some himself.

splinter65

I know it’s so difficult to confront a coworker especially about such a sensitive issue that’s hurting you so much. But if I were going to HR I would like to be able to say that I’d made 2 attempts to deal with the issue which had been ignored.
Don’t tell him about the miscarriages because then in his mind you’ll only have a problem because you’re suffering some infertility. It won’t be because he’s an ignoramus.
Make it short and snappy. Just say “ can I speak to you in private for a moment? I’m asking you now as a colleague to stop making references to the fact that I don’t have any children. I’ve asked you before and you’ve not listened. I don’t want any more comments about children, pregnancy maternity leave or hormones. I know that you think that your just making conversation but I’m really uncomfortable with it. So can we agree that I’m not going to have a problem with this any more?”
He’ll have to either agree with you and hopefully apologize. If he starts to insist that he’s just being friendly then you can tell him that you’ll have no choice but to take a complaint to HR and let them deal with it on your behalf. Offer your hand for a handshake. Walk away. Follow through if needs be.

LegacyUser

Agree with several others OP and don't tell him about any personal information medical or otherwise. Most people would have the cop on not to keep asking you about a personal issue like this at work but he clearly doesn't so telling him about any miscarriages is likely to only encourage more comments. You've tired speaking to him, you've now sent an email, lets see what impact that has and if none then it's time to go to HR. Might be worth making a note of day and time of any personal comments he makes after the email to discuss with HR.