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Moving Out at 19 with a Disability and because of Problems at Home?? Can Anyone Help?

raem433

Hello, I'm in quite a difficult situation.
I want to go and live a happy life and I don't know too much about moving out. I decided to ask here so somebody can help me out.
I live at home with an alcoholic mother, I have many mental health problems because of this including depression, anxiety and panic disorders. I used to have psychiatrists and social workers to help me until I turned 18 and now I feel hopeless. Also, I am on disability because I have ASD, but my mom takes most of this money. I know moving out will help me. I am very independent, I cared for myself most of my life and moving out will do me more good than bad, I believe.
By the way, I have no family that will take me in in-case someone suggests that.
What would be the right thing to do in this situation?
Thank you!!

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looksee

|Hi Raem, I am going to try and respond to your questions but I really don't have any sort of magic answer. At 19 it is quite natural to want to spread your wings and move out of home, regardless of your other issues. Sometimes it can work, sometimes its better to try and work round the situation.

The very first thing to say is that moving out will not necessarily give you a happy life. The two things are not really connected - you are trying to escape from a situation, that does not mean you will escape to a better situation.

On the positive side, what do you have at the moment? You have a room(? do you have your own room?) in a house which means you have basic shelter. This is going to cost money at some level and you are apparently paying your mother towards the rent of the house from your allowance. If you leave you are going to be paying a lot more and will have to have deposit/rent up front. You have food available to you and a place to prepare/eat it. You may be buying your own food or your mother may be getting basic groceries in. You have heat, light, and other basic services, all of which you will have to pay for if you leave.

So, you have an allowance out of which you are getting shelter, services and possibly food? Is this correct? If it is correct then your mother isn't just 'taking' your money, you are paying your way, which, as an adult, you should expect to do.

It may be easier to imagine just going somewhere else, but the reality will probably not work out like that. How you feel is perfectly understandable and natural, but a little bit of support and someone to talk to would help you make the best of what you have, rather than just throwing it all away.

[Deleted User]

The first option might be to stop giving her most of your money. If you're using her services, light, heat, broadband, then you should be making a fair contribution to this.

Graces7

raem433 wrote: »

Hello, I'm in quite a difficult situation.
I want to go and live a happy life and I don't know too much about moving out. I decided to ask here so somebody can help me out.
I live at home with an alcoholic mother, I have many mental health problems because of this including depression, anxiety and panic disorders. I used to have psychiatrists and social workers to help me until I turned 18 and now I feel hopeless. Also, I am on disability because I have ASD, but my mom takes most of this money. I know moving out will help me. I am very independent, I cared for myself most of my life and moving out will do me more good than bad, I believe.
By the way, I have no family that will take me in in-case someone suggests that.
What would be the right thing to do in this situation?
Thank you!!

OP; there is advice and help out there for young folk in your situation. Can you give Citizens Information a call , or go in to their offices? They will know what is available for you, especially as you have had help from social services in the past?

There may be some kind of semi-sheltered accommodation that would help you make the transition. And assistance with the financial aspects also. You are not the only one in this situation. Please try,and keep in touch? Good luck.

skooterblue2

raem433 wrote: »

Hello, I'm in quite a difficult situation.
I want to go and live a happy life and I don't know too much about moving out. I decided to ask here so somebody can help me out.
I live at home with an alcoholic mother, I have many mental health problems because of this including depression, anxiety and panic disorders. I used to have psychiatrists and social workers to help me until I turned 18 and now I feel hopeless. Also, I am on disability because I have ASD, but my mom takes most of this money. I know moving out will help me. I am very independent, I cared for myself most of my life and moving out will do me more good than bad, I believe.
By the way, I have no family that will take me in in-case someone suggests that.
What would be the right thing to do in this situation?
Thank you!!

Hi there, totally feel for you as I am on the spectrum myself and completely understand what you want and expect from life. You are getting so much great advice from previous responders.

So much is correct with citizens advice and social worker. You still have a social worker assigned to you. Just because you have a disability do not give up trying. IF you show want to progress they will support you where ever possible (atleast that is what I found with my social worker). Have you approached your National Learning Network for a course to do (I did office skills and work experience). Keep yourself up, out and active every day. Also approach an organisation called Cluid for housing. My ex-girlfriend did and she got a place. Show you can look after yourself.

You know you can do two FAS courses a year for free by night? Make the case you are stepping up and out. I HATE seeing autistic people (and I used to be one of them) saying "aww poor me, I cant do this and that". You dont strike me as one of those people but not sure how to get a get stuff together. Your NLN center has an Access officer (usually part time assistant psychologist/ occupational therapist) who know their way around the social welfare system. Your community college has courses after NLN, they will get onto one of those.

Your disability card is a great one to play to get you in the door somewhere but once you are in you are on your own. I know one girl who plays it the whole time at college and the lecturers and class hate her.

You will never have that life you dream of but you can have a very good life. You wont get anything for free or without great effort but anyone who tells you life is easy or simple is a fraud or a waster.

I do realise I come from a different time from you when everyone moved out and went to college/apprenticeship/agri college/army at 18. Housing was cheap and affordable. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you get the life of freedom you deserve.

Final advice: Keep busy, keep fit and active and be hopeful.

Graces7

skooterblue2 wrote: »

Hi there, totally feel for you as I am on the spectrum myself and completely understand what you want and expect from life. You are getting so much great advice from previous responders.

So much is correct with citizens advice and social worker. You still have a social worker assigned to you. Just because you have a disability do not give up trying. IF you show want to progress they will support you where ever possible (atleast that is what I found with my social worker). Have you approached your National Learning Network for a course to do (I did office skills and work experience). Keep yourself up, out and active every day. Also approach an organisation called Cluid for housing. My ex-girlfriend did and she got a place. Show you can look after yourself.

You know you can do two FAS courses a year for free by night? Make the case you are stepping up and out. I HATE seeing autistic people (and I used to be one of them) saying "aww poor me, I cant do this and that". You dont strike me as one of those people but not sure how to get a get stuff together. Your NLN center has an Access officer (usually part time assistant psychologist/ occupational therapist) who know their way around the social welfare system. Your community college has courses after NLN, they will get onto one of those.

Your disability card is a great one to play to get you in the door somewhere but once you are in you are on your own. I know one girl who plays it the whole time at college and the lecturers and class hate her.

You will never have that life you dream of but you can have a very good life. You wont get anything for free or without great effort but anyone who tells you life is easy or simple is a fraud or a waster.

I do realise I come from a different time from you when everyone moved out and went to college/apprenticeship/agri college/army at 18. Housing was cheap and affordable. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you get the life of freedom you deserve.

Final advice: Keep busy, keep fit and active and be hopeful.

Thank you for this. I do not know enough about the Irish system to say more but I was sure there would be good support for anyone already within the system. No way could anyone in the OPs position even try to do this alone. especially given the rental situation these days.

skooterblue2

Graces7 wrote: »

Thank you for this. I do not know enough about the Irish system to say more but I was sure there would be good support for anyone already within the system. No way could anyone in the OPs position even try to do this alone. especially given the rental situation these days.

The Irish system isnt that great as I made it sound. You have to do a lot of the poking, networking and poking out yourself. And if necessary "bullying". I threatened to report two doctors and nearly reported a third doctor for not taking my psychologist report seriously.

Irish people are ashamed of autism. The working class rarely get it diagnosed properly, the upper class pay to get it NOT diagnosed and the middle class take up all the resources.

Be bold, get autism diagnosed properly and recognize every offer and opportunity that comes your way. There are some amazing people that are out there and want to help but you have to find them and work with them.

donkeykong5

Would it be an idea to talk to your mother and make your feelings known to her before just upping and going. Maybe you could sort out a few ground rules that would suit you both.

skooterblue2

donkeykong5 wrote: »

Would it be an idea to talk to your mother and make your feelings known to her before just upping and going. Maybe you could sort out a few ground rules that would suit you both.

And its not going to happen that fast either. You need a months rent and a months deposit and you will need help from an agency to help out and find a landlord willing to take you. Have you seen the cost of housing? There needs a lot of planning and support.

Then you are going to have to get but not limited to:
bed clothing (remember cheap is twice the price its going to cost over 300 for pillows, duvet and bed clothes but last for years)
cutlery
Pots and pans
toilet role,
Money for deposit for Gas and Electricty
Internet,
groceries.
money for home entertainment (TV 200 etc)
Moving out is a big responsibility.

splinter65

Hi OP
Time for you to take charge of your life. There are actually lots of supported living opportunities in the country right now which would be a good place to start.
Go to your local Citizens Information Centre and ask them to refer you to
http://www.citizensinformationboard.ie/en/services/advocacy/

I say go to CIC rather then refer yourself as the Info Officer might actually know the advocacy officer and will organize an appointment for you.

Incidentally if you are over 16 and in receipt of Disability Allowance and your mother is continuing to be your Agent in collecting your allowance from the PO then it’s just a question of writing to the Dept and telling them that you want to collect it yourself from now on and you no longer wish to have her considered as your agent.
You can then sit down with her and discuss what your contribution to the household should be.
If this is all too stressful for you then the disability advocate is trained to both communicate with the Dept on your behalf and mediate between you and your family.
A child with a disability is a valuable source of income for some families between DCA/Carers Allowance/Disability Allowance/HBP/Free Travel and the suggestion that the “child” is leaving to live an independent life will often be greeted with utter dismay and alarming hostility “after all the years I’ve cared for you and now your just leaving well if you go then don’t come back!”.
Add to that your mothers addiction issues and your going to need the support here.

skooterblue2

Graces7 wrote: »

There may be some kind of semi-sheltered accommodation that would help you make the transition. And assistance with the financial aspects also. You are not the only one in this situation. Please try,and keep in touch? Good luck.

This sounds like a great idea. I didnt get my first place on my own until I was over 30. I had to house share learn to live with people (some of them not very nice, some were into stuff I wasnt into, some were great people.).

It was a steep learning curve. I had to learn to clean some really hard stuff like budgeting, cooking for myself, time management. I also had to learn the hard way not to be a sap for other people and many other social skills. Certain things you should take responsibility for and others you should not take responsiblity for.

I had a friend in the UK who lived in semi sheltered accommodation. He was looking to move else where after a while. Now I dont know of any of these schemes but they must be out there.

Graces7

skooterblue2 wrote: »

The Irish system isnt that great as I made it sound. You have to do a lot of the poking, networking and poking out yourself. And if necessary "bullying". I threatened to report two doctors and nearly reported a third doctor for not taking my psychologist report seriously.

Irish people are ashamed of autism. The working class rarely get it diagnosed properly, the upper class pay to get it NOT diagnosed and the middle class take up all the resources.

Be bold, get autism diagnosed properly and recognize every offer and opportunity that comes your way. There are some amazing people that are out there and want to help but you have to find them and work with them.

Sounds like the ongoing battle I am still having re CFS/ME ...

Graces7

skooterblue2 wrote: »

And its not going to happen that fast either. You need a months rent and a months deposit and you will need help from an agency to help out and find a landlord willing to take you. Have you seen the cost of housing? There needs a lot of planning and support.

Then you are going to have to get but not limited to:
bed clothing (remember cheap is twice the price its going to cost over 300 for pillows, duvet and bed clothes but last for years)
cutlery
Pots and pans
toilet role,
Money for deposit for Gas and Electricty
Internet,
groceries.
money for home entertainment (TV 200 etc)
Moving out is a big responsibility.

I always get all mine from charity shops and V de Paul AND DSP will help also at a fraction on that cost. .

skooterblue2

Graces7 wrote: »

I always get all mine from charity shops and V de Paul AND DSP will help also at a fraction on that cost. .

You can do that with the pots and pans but for H&S you are better off getting the bed clothes like duvets good. Spend €200 on a duvet and it will last 10 years buy a €30 duvet and change it for a new one in a year. Also be smart things are hotwater bottles and good curtains (take someone who has experience shopping with you).

looksee

Pretty much impossible to buy a duvet second hand as charity shops do not handle them - too bulky and hygiene concerns. However it is absolutely not necessary to spend 200 on a duvet, you will get a decent one for around 40 in places like Tesco. Charity shops are excellent for curtains, having suitable wall fixings available is another matter.

All this detailing of costs of moving out is, generally, relevant but for the OP (who - it appears - has not been back) there are much more important considerations and at 19 and with his/her issues to consider a great deal more support and advice would be needed than can be offered here.

skooterblue2

looksee wrote: »

All this detailing of costs of moving out is, generally, relevant but for the OP (who - it appears - has not been back) there are much more important considerations and at 19 and with his/her issues to consider a great deal more support and advice would be needed than can be offered here.

I would have questions about house keeping skills (cooking, cleaning, laundry, rubbish management) because of the alcohol problems and possible lack of parenting. This is why I suggested a catering course at NLN and others to follow on. There will have to be a very hands on social worker looking in and assisting.

looksee

skooterblue2 wrote: »

I would have questions about house keeping skills (cooking, cleaning, laundry, rubbish management) because of the alcohol problems and possible lack of parenting. This is why I suggested a catering course at NLN and others to follow on. There will have to be a very hands on social worker looking in and assisting.

Absolutely agree, and it comes back to support rather than details of actually setting up a flat.

skooterblue2

looksee wrote: »

Absolutely agree, and it comes back to support rather than details of actually setting up a flat.

Oh fully agree, its not like a carpenter coming to do a job and leaves a few hours later. There needs to be training and maintenance. Tough job, that is coming from my own experience of moving out with low morale and few social skills

Graces7

looksee wrote: »

Pretty much impossible to buy a duvet second hand as charity shops do not handle them - too bulky and hygiene concerns. However it is absolutely not necessary to spend 200 on a duvet, you will get a decent one for around 40 in places like Tesco. Charity shops are excellent for curtains, having suitable wall fixings available is another matter.

All this detailing of costs of moving out is, generally, relevant but for the OP (who - it appears - has not been back) there are much more important considerations and at 19 and with his/her issues to consider a great deal more support and advice would be needed than can be offered here.

A case of TMI I think. And maybe they have taken the advice to go to the Citizen;s Info.

The rest will follow.