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Is Telling Someone You Cheated Actually The Decent Thing?

leggo

Background: I've cheated and been cheated on. When I was a teen, in my first relationship, I kissed a work colleague on a night out while my then-girlfriend was at home. The next day I couldn't live with the guilt, fessed up and watched that person's heart absolutely break in front of me. It was sickening and defining at the same time: I knew there and then that I'd never cheat again as I could see the hurt it caused. It wrecked me for months and I even started to drink heavily to deal with the guilt, while also telling myself some BS about how 'at least I owned up' as if that made me feel morally superior when really it just did damage to another human that I cared about at the time.

I look at it differently now. Later in life (karma you might say), I was cheated on by a girl I really cared about and she fessed up. It absolutely destroyed me and still kinda does to this day. I've just woken up from an absolutely horrific dream about it right now that painted it all in a light I hadn't thought of before. And knowing it impacts you in such weird little specific ways you could've never planned for, as well as obviously destroying your ability to trust.

It's got me re-considering my stance about cheating and confessing. I'd always said that I'd rather know and make my own informed decision, and look if any of us had the choice where it was like "You have one unread message re: 'Cheating'"...we'd obviously need to know what that said! But is it ultimately kinder, when you weigh up everything, for a cheater to say nothing and be left with the guilt as penance? This is of course assuming there's no reason you absolutely need to tell the other person, i.e. if it was unprotected and they now need an STI test, if there's a pregnancy resulting etc. Is confessing ultimately a selfish act to try clear the cheater's conscience while it does way more damage to the victim?

If you want to stay with someone afterwards, feel guilty and like a scumbag carrying around a secret (because you have done a scummy thing) and let that erode your soul somewhat while you try spend your every waking minute with your partner trying to make it up to them. Let them keep their happiness. If you don't want to stay together, then break up with them and give them the "It's not you, it's me" spiel. They'll still be sad but people can deal with break-ups and you don't have to break them fundamentally as humans in doing so. I've had break-ups where I've had my suspicions that cheating might have occurred in hindsight, ultimately it's easier not knowing and I wouldn't like to now.

Plus we all tell ourselves little white lies about our partners, or don't ask questions, to keep that perfect little image of them in our head. Nobody wants to think of their partner being out with them on a cute, happy little date, seeing someone hot and unconsciously thinking "phwoar", but we've all done it ourselves. Nobody wants to think of their partner getting rejected by someone who just wasn't that into them before, but we've all got rejected in the past ourselves. We want to feel like we're going out with someone...maybe not perfect, but we don't necessarily want to see all those imperfections either and we tell ourselves/others a story that covers those imperfections and that protects the image we have of them. Cheating washes all that away in an instant and can affect how you view potential future partners too, how you can try trust them etc. We all know people who never recover from it: who go on to have toxic relationship after toxic relationship because they grow to have such a horrible attitude towards relationships, you can spot them a mile off on any dating site sure!

Or is it better to know and live fully in the reality of it all? Does being cheated on and recovering ultimately give you a strength, a wisdom and a relationship polish that allows you to re-evaluate how you judge and trust people in a way that'll mean you find a better partner in the future? Does it make it easier to get over someone in the long run by being able to write them off as a cheating scumbag, or does it make it worse and undermine all the happy memories you thought you had?

If you've been cheated on and told/found out, are you happier and a better person ultimately for knowing or did it break you? If you've cheated yourself, do you feel that telling/not telling was the right thing to do with hindsight and judging how everyone's lives turned out?

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Comments

[Deleted User]

Telling the other person about a legitimate mistaken once-off to ease your guilt is the worst thing you can do. The best thing to do is avoid situations like what led you to cheat in the first place.

If you're an habitual cheater, you should tell the other person and get out of their lives, and hopefully never any others.

leggo

Yeah no absolutely, the correct answer to “cheat yay or nay?” is a definite nay. But us saying that on a message board likely won’t rid the world of infidelity, so I’m having a chat about when cheating DOES occur, i.e. it’s happened and “don’t cheat” ceases to be an option, and what the decent thing to do then is.

wakka12

Depends on whether you went the full way cheating, how you think theyll react( if you know they think its completely unacceptable and telling them will effectively end the relationship), how much you care about them, whether you want to stay with them, and if youll do it again
Everyone's relationships are different

sbsquarepants

I say no.

What's to be gained?

People will sell it to you as some kind of selfless gesture to own up and take your punishment, but if you ask me it's just to ease the cheaters own conscience at the expense of the other person.

In short - you shouldn't have done it, but shít happens sometimes so if you did and it's bothering you, that's really your own cross to bear, suck it up and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

If you do it regularly, you're with the wrong person.....or an asshole.....or possibly both!

[Deleted User]

Of course you should tell them. It's not about you, it's their right to know. If you're so concerned with their feelings, don't do it in the first place. The solution is not "ill make this worse by lying and pretend I'm being noble"
Good lord. Sound foundation for a relationship right there

Rubberchikken

not cheating - thats the decent thing.

or if you intend to cheat - at least have the ba@ls to break up first.

leggo

I haven’t cheated here for the record! Well when I did I kissed someone as a teen over a decade ago and confessed so it’s not as if I’m looking for validation or anything, I’ve long since dealt with it! :pac:

It’s just an interesting topic that was on my mind, where there’s no clear cut answer and people feel strongly either side, so figured a topic and poll might be interesting.

leggo

bluewolf wrote: »

Of course you should tell them. It's not about you, it's their right to know. If you're so concerned with their feelings, don't do it in the first place. The solution is not "ill make this worse by lying and pretend I'm being noble"
Good lord. Sound foundation for a relationship right there

Fair point. But as someone it later happened to, in hindsight I’d rather not know. I’ve had suspicions of other exes (it happens a crazy amount when you look into it) but not knowing either way helps and I’d prefer not to find out now ages later. What is the benefit to knowing exactly? Because the cons are steep, so the benefits would want to be really clear and justifiable.

[Deleted User]

Always tell, don't be a coward.
Surely your better half deserves honesty?
Or wouldst thou build your house on sand?

leggo

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Always tell, don't be a coward.
Surely your better half deserves honesty?
Or wouldst thou build your house on sand?

I’m single and my hand prefers discretion tbh. You should probably read the thread before getting judgey.

[Deleted User]

I reserve the right to get judgey on it, if you're cheat at least be person enough to be honest about it. It's a very relevant thing to occur and you would be dishonest by hiding it.

Porklife

In my case, I was glad my ex boyfriend told me because it finally made me walk away. At the time, I loved him so much that I put up with all sorts of bull**** from him but had no intention of leaving until that faithful day I found out he cheated. I confronted him and he admitted it. It was the dealbreaker I needed to finally walk.

That said, I'm not sure if he would have told me. He only admitted it when I asked him about it. He probably wouldn't have and I'd have been living a lie like a mug.

I would like to be told so I can make an informed decision and I also know that I would tell (I wouldn't cheat to begin with) as I can't lie to save my life and I can't imagine lying or cheating on someone I love. It's evil!!!

Pintman Paddy Losty

I agree with the OP on this one.

I have a great relationship with my wife, the mother of my kids. We have a wonderful family life together. I would never jepordise that or put her through hell and back by telling her things she doesn't need to know.

If I ride a brazzer while on a trip to Portugal or nip in to a Thai massage parlour on my lunch break then she doesn't need to know about it. The phrase what you don't know can't hurt you is a very old saying with a lot of truth to it.

Telling her would be the cowards way out. Causing her hurt to assuage my guilt.

Grayson

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

I agree with the OP on this one.

I have a great relationship with my wife, the mother of my kids. We have a wonderful family life together. I would never jepordise that or put her through hell and back by telling her things she doesn't need to know.

If I ride a brazzer while on a trip to Portugal or nip in to a Thai massage parlour on my lunch break then she doesn't need to know about it. The phrase what you don't know can't hurt you is a very old saying with a lot of truth to it.

Telling her would be the cowards way out. Causing her hurt to assuage my guilt.

I think at this stage we should delineate between the different types of cheating.

The OP means getting drunk and doing something stupid.

You mean something premeditated when you're sober.

There's also having an affair which is long term and would involve an emotional attachment rather than just sex.

That's just three types, I'm sure we could add in more.

In the case of the OP's example it's a stupid drunken decision and there's guilt involved. In your case it's not a drunken decision and I'd imagine there's no desire to tell a partner because there's no guilt involved.

Personally I view the second two cases differently to the first one. The first one is unlikely to happen again. The second two are probably going to happen again.

Also the second two are a premeditated betrayal of your spouse.

[Deleted User]

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

I agree with the OP on this one.

I have a great relationship with my wife, the mother of my kids. We have a wonderful family life together. I would never jepordise that or put her through hell and back by telling her things she doesn't need to know.

If I ride a brazzer while on a trip to Portugal or nip in to a Thai massage parlour on my lunch break then she doesn't need to know about it. The phrase what you don't know can't hurt you is a very old saying with a lot of truth to it.

Telling her would be the cowards way out. Causing her hurt to assuage my guilt.

She's fortunate to have you Paddy.

Earthhorse

Whether it's the decent thing to do is actually not your choice to make. That's the whole point of confessing. It may well break their heart but you can't know that in advance.

LirW

It's also a question nof how well you can cover it up. Some people are so incredibly bad with keeping something big like that a secret that their partner know something is fishy.
If they find out one way or another without a confession that's even more painful and disrespectful.

I genuinely don't understand when you're in a commited relationship or marriage and you're happy that you'd get into such a situation where you could potentially jeopardize it all.

Pintman Paddy Losty

LirW wrote: »

It's also a question nof how well you can cover it up. Some people are so incredibly bad with keeping something big like that a secret that their partner know something is fishy.
If they find out one way or another without a confession that's even more painful and disrespectful.

Agreed. This is a very good point.

I never sh1t on my own doorstep. No messing with work colleagues. No dating apps. Almost never even in Ireland.

That way my wife is protected and won't end up being hurt by anything I get up to. It's something a lot of people don't consider. They just throw caution to the wind and ride the babysitter or something. Recipe for disaster.

I conduct my business behind closed doors or in foreign countries which means no nasty repurcussions for my wife or children.

LirW

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Agreed. This is a very good point.

I never sh1t on my own doorstep. No messing with work colleagues. No dating apps. Almost never even in Ireland.

That way my wife is protected and won't end up being hurt by anything I get up to. It's something a lot of people don't consider. They just throw caution to the wind and ride the babysitter or something. Recipe for disaster.

I conduct my business behind closed doors or in foreign countries which means no nasty repurcussions for my wife or children.

Why do you think it's fair on your wife, who trusts you to go on and ride around the globe? If you're grand with the marriage, why the need? Would you be happy with her riding the poolboy in some greasy Costa Del Sol hotel?

wakka12

Thats so cruel to your wife Paddy. She only has one life which she has chosen to share with you and if she ever found out, shed feel shes wasted it on you

I think I remember you saying youre in your 50's so in this case Id agree what she doesnt know cant hurt her , honestly itd probably be too much to bare for most people who are married that long to know their parttner has always been cheating on them, so maybe just do the decent thing and dont cheat on her again! Or break up with her and dont tell her about the cheating at least, this is one of those times when I think telling them will do a lot more harm than good

s7ryf3925pivug

tldr - but yes tell them - you never know they might be into it. (I dont need to know the "ins and outs" of your particular situation to say that.)

vonlars

In my wilder, more gullible teenage years I had an encounter with a married man.

I honestly don't know how they can sit back any play happy families knowing that they have done something that would ultimately ruin their partner. I think if you genuinely loved your partner, there's not a hope that you subject them to the humiliation where other people know you're doing the dirt, and they're in the dark. It would kill me to be in that situation.

I'd absolutely rather know that my partner's a sc*mbag rather than having suspicions or even not knowing at all. Better be heartbroken than humiliated.

Pintman Paddy Losty

LirW wrote: »

Why do you think it's fair on your wife, who trusts you to go on and ride around the globe? If you're grand with the marriage, why the need? Would you be happy with her riding the poolboy in some greasy Costa Del Sol hotel?

As I said previously I take great care not to get caught. Only doing that type of thing with professionals who won't start blabbing on Facebook. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. We have a very happy home life.

For instance I went in to town on Saturday to do the santa shop. While in there I dropped in to a massage parlour for an hour to blow the beans. I arrived home with the boot packed with pressies and I was feeling a million bucks. The wife gets to enjoy me being in a fantastic mood. Everyone is a winner.

She doesn't take holidays by herself other than when she takes the kids down to the grandparents for a long weekend, so your hypothetical poolboy story is ridiculous.

LirW

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

As I said previously I take great care not to get caught. Only doing that type of thing with professionals who won't start blabbing on Facebook. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. We have a very happy home life.

For instance I went in to town on Saturday to do the santa shop. While in there I dropped in to a massage parlour for an hour to blow the beans. I arrived home with the boot packed with pressies and I was feeling a million bucks. The wife gets to enjoy me being in a fantastic mood. Everyone is a winner.

She doesn't take holidays by herself other than when she takes the kids down to the grandparents for a long weekend, so your hypothetical poolboy story is ridiculous.

You didn't answer my question: do you think it's fair on your wife who trusts you to stay faithful?
I don't know how your wife holidays but seemingly you would have a problem if she'd do the same in return.

goose2005

bluewolf wrote: »

Of course you should tell them. It's not about you, it's their right to know. If you're so concerned with their feelings, don't do it in the first place. The solution is not "ill make this worse by lying and pretend I'm being noble"
Good lord. Sound foundation for a relationship right there

people have a right not to know everything too. A bit off topic, but there was a writer in Private Eye who was lied to as a child - his father committed suicide and he was told it was a heart attack. He found out decades later but was actually glad that the truth had been hidden from him - http://www.drphilhammond.com/blog/2018/09/23/private-eye/medicine-balls-private-eye-issue-1479-21-september-2018/

Immortal Starlight

Yes anyone who has cheated on their partner should admit what they have done. It's the most cowardly behaviour. The person who has been cheated on should know exactly what a selfish prick they are involved with and will be then able to make a proper informed decision on what to do next.

LirW

I think it very much comes down to the person. Some people, myself included, would prefer to always know the truth even if it hurts like hell. But I can make my own decisions accordingly.
Others prefer to not know because they know they can't condemn what they don't know.

Not saying one thing is better than the other, I for once genuinely can't understand the blissful ignorance while I'm sure others can't understand my stance.

Triceratops Ballet

100% tell someone, I would rather have all the information and make a decision based on all the facts than be made a fool of by being lied to. Cheating alone I could possibly forgive depending on the circumstances, Lying and cheating...adios!