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Help me pls

Helppls18

I often read but really need advice.

Met husband 2004, married 2011, 3 kids one on the way in 2019. Husband has always had an issue with my love life before I met him. A lot of jealousy issues that has now all these years come to a head. We met when my husband lived in UK and had a long term gf, he was home one eekend and I was just out of a long term relationship, we kissed, he was home again a few weeks later and kissed again, spent a day a d night together, but did not sleep together. He went back to Uk we texted but presumed he was staying with gf, he never mentioned anything either way.
I then slept with someone else after a night out, a local lad I knew years.
My husband then moved to Dublin to start relationship with me, I was thrilled things moved v quick we were living together after 6 months moved abroad. However he found out about the other guy and it at times caused issues. He wanted my full history told him about another one night stand way b4 him, ex bfs and and kisses I had, he never let it go.
We did go through a very bad phase in 2007 he cheated on me where we lived texted other girls and was generally out of control. I moved out after a week he tracked me down swore he would change lavished me with presents, I gave it another go, we bought our house together got engaged in 2010 and married the next year.
The last few days he has barely spoken to me, we only communicate about kids. He slagged me off last night in front of kids called me a town bike a prostitute, I lost it told him I hate him want him to go. I can't stop shaking and crying, and during day I struggle to act normal for work and kids. My husband is going to a counsellor on Mon he has hinted he has had suicidal thoughts. He has been sleeping on couch and now he is setting up a bed in another room. I dont know what to do, so afraid I'm going to damage my baby, only 19 weeks. I'm not proud of my one night stands would change if I could but I cant... I don't know if we can come back dont know if I love him. I am afraid to be on my own. No one knows I am afraid to tell anyone as then it will seem real. Help.

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The Princess Bride

I think to speak to you like that in front of the children is deplorable.
Calling the mother of his children a prostitute?
No need whatsoever.
Please please seek help.

He's not going to change, I hope you realise this.
If he's had issues with your past relationships for this long, he's not going to be able to clear his mind of it overnight.

Mind yourself, you deserve better.

Locker10a

Helppls18 wrote: »

It has been an issue over the years, it comes up at least once a year but this has been the worst episode. He said he is desperately unhappy he can't get it out of his head, has no respect for me, he said I have never shown remorse for what I have done. Maybe he just doesn't love me or maybe there is a mental health issue, I don't know. When this issue arises he asks me questions about various partners or relationships and insists I'm lying about certain things. He interrogated me as to what an ex said to me in a car about 14 years ago, truth be told cant remember the night the pub we were in etc and he doesn't believe me. He is also insisting I was in a flat share of local guy / ONS but never set foot in it in my life if I was in it I would say as things cant get any worse, but I wasn't there. He asks questions in relation to the actual ONS was condoms used etc, he is obsessed. If it happened when we were officially together or if I done it when engaged/married fair enough, but I'm seriously freaked by the obsession. It started 13 days ago he ignores me every evening, we have had words after kids gone to bed, and last night was the worst when he slagged me in front of kids.

To me this sounds 100% like deflection.
He’s trying to justify his own guilt and unhappiness by making out you’re the bad person, you’re the one who’s done something wrong. He’s fixated with anything he can think of to claim your the one that causes hurt. What triggered this recently we don’t know. You say it happens about once a year? We also know he’s a cheater(leopards don’t change spots) so it’s very possible there’s been a form of adultery recently, maybe it’s ongoing. He may not be sleeping with someone, it may be sexting or online, or flirting chatting with a certain someone. This is just my theory of course. It’s obviously causing him personal emotional stress due to guilt and he’s deflecting that.

Helppls18

The Princess Bride wrote: »

I think to speak to you like that in front of the children is deplorable.
Calling the mother of his children a prostitute?
No need whatsoever.
Please please seek help.

He's not going to change, I hope you realise this.
If he's had issues with your past relationships for this long, he's not going to be able to clear his mind of it overnight.

Mind yourself, you deserve better.

Thank you

Helppls18

Locker10a wrote: »

Helppls18 wrote: »

It has been an issue over the years, it comes up at least once a year but this has been the worst episode. He said he is desperately unhappy he can't get it out of his head, has no respect for me, he said I have never shown remorse for what I have done. Maybe he just doesn't love me or maybe there is a mental health issue, I don't know. When this issue arises he asks me questions about various partners or relationships and insists I'm lying about certain things. He interrogated me as to what an ex said to me in a car about 14 years ago, truth be told cant remember the night the pub we were in etc and he doesn't believe me. He is also insisting I was in a flat share of local guy / ONS but never set foot in it in my life if I was in it I would say as things cant get any worse, but I wasn't there. He asks questions in relation to the actual ONS was condoms used etc, he is obsessed. If it happened when we were officially together or if I done it when engaged/married fair enough, but I'm seriously freaked by the obsession. It started 13 days ago he ignores me every evening, we have had words after kids gone to bed, and last night was the worst when he slagged me in front of kids.

To me this sounds 100% like deflection.
He’s trying to justify his own guilt and unhappiness by making out you’re the bad person, you’re the one who’s done something wrong. He’s fixated with anything he can think of to claim your the one that causes hurt. What triggered this recently we don’t know. You say it happens about once a year? We also know he’s a cheater(leopards don’t change spots) so it’s very possible there’s been a form of adultery recently, maybe it’s ongoing. He may not be sleeping with someone, it may be sexting or online, or flirting chatting with a certain someone. This is just my theory of course. It’s obviously causing him personal emotional stress due to guilt and he’s deflecting that.

Your the second person to say that, there could be something going on, I never check his phone or wouldn't have access to his emails etc.

Sunflower 27

How dare he feel entitled to criticise you about a sexual partner you had before him. Did HE not cheat on his girlfriend when he met you? Did HE not cheat again and cause your short separation years ago?

You are doing what he wants you to do and that is turn this inward and question yourself and your morals.

Town bike prostitute???? He called the mother of his children that. Jesus.

I know it is easy for all of us to say leave him, but I hope you come to realize that he does not deserve you and the problem is him - his serious insecurity issues.

I wonder if he has cheated more recently and knowing he can has made him question if you could as well and this has all dredged up the past.

I won't tell you what to do, it's your life. I will say that any man that called me what he has called you would no longer have my love or respect.

Confide in a friend in real life. You need support. Take care.

LegacyUser

Something I've noticed on these threads is that people use words like "mental health problem", "anxiety", "depression" as if it excuses bad behaviour. OP, sometimes a person is just a grade A pr*ck!! Mental health issues or no, they are horrible human beings. Your husband sounds like one of those people. He cheated on his girlfriend with you, made it out like there's something wrong with you for having ONS, wanted a breakdown of who you've been with, called you a prostitute in front of your kids!!! Jesus! The crack he made in front of your kids would 100% be a deal breaker for me. He'll teach your children to disrespect you. Do you really want that?

His behaviour prior to your getting together and when you initially got together is the kind of red flag behaviour that should give anyone pause. Run far away from behaviour like that if you ever encounter it again. Assuming you do right by you and your kids and dump this "dear husband" of yours.

Mousewar

You poor thing. That sounds like a very poor relationship and he has been extremely unfair and unkind to you.
I would always recommend a couple go to marriage counselling before walking away though. I don't think anything bad can come from counselling - it has been beneficial to everyone I know that has done it and, perhaps unlikely as it seems, it can maybe repair some of this damage. Best of luck.

PS, your past is YOUR past. I would refuse to discuss it at all anymore with him. It's none of his business.

Seve OB

He is a fruit bat.

valoren

KERSPLAT! wrote: »

I hope DH doesn't stand for Dear Husband...

Dick Head.

OP, you must be going through a whirlwind of emotions. His behavior has been obsessive, controlling, bullying and insane tbh. The fact he cheated on you was a serious red flag. To be obsessed with your history is one thing, for him to call you a whore is another. There is no going back on that no matter how manipulative his apologies might be. He wouldn't say that if he didn't believe it. Is there any one you can reach out to and talk about this? To get it off your chest? If I were you I would take stock, I'd ignore him while you seek advice from confidante's about setting a divorce. Don't fall for the whole "I'll kill myself" bit. He is being emotionally abusive towards you. Take care of yourself and your kids.

Porklife

Reading your post pained me OP because I could have written it myself. My ex was an abusive psychopath as is your 'dear husband'. He used to grill me about my past, acuse me of having slept with all my male friends and ask for details. When I'd say I didn't he'd call me a lying whore. He used to go through my phone, write messages to people on Facebook pretending to be me, have his friends hit on me to test me. He eventually... I can't even type what he did it was that disgusting and evil. Oh and all the while he was banging Hookers. Leave. For the sake of your children, please leave. We all have inner strength we don't even know of OP, now is the time to be the heroine of your children's story and ****ing leave this monster. Xxxx

MissShihTzu

Sorry OP. HE is either cheating or has cheated on you. This behaviour as others have pointed out is not normal.

Get counselling, make a plan, and throw the idiot out. You need to think of yourself and the kids, especially the little one on the way. All this stress is not good for any of you.

I repeat. HE needs to leave. Do not put up with this rubbish any longer. You and your kids deserve better - whatever happened in the past, which is just that. The past.

nikkibikki

Cypher_sounds wrote:

How do you know that work is stressing her out? For lots I know going to work is more calming than staying at home where the tensions are high.

Because in her first post she said she is struggling to act normal for work and kids and is worried about harming her baby with stress. Acting normal for the kids, she had no option there. But work, she does have an option.

She said subsequently that she finds work a distraction which is good, but a poster can only advise on what's in front of them at the time.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I had the displeasure of being in a similar relationship myself over a decade ago now.

They way your husband is treating you is not right, he is obsessed with your past and it is obvious he feels inadequate sexually. That's a common theme for people like him. In addition, his behavior is controlling and demeaning. His words and actions are not from someone who truly loves you.

One question you need to ask yourself is do you feel safe? The personality you describe your husband as having is typically associated with hot tempers, fuming jealously etc.

I thankfully wasn't married to my ex and we had no children, I know the situation is more complex for you. For your children to hear him describe you as he has is very damaging and confusing. I would suggest you seek counselling yourself as it may help you see things for what they really are and will hopefully help give you the strength you need to deal with these issues, whatever that may be.

One thing is very clear, his treatment of you is deplorable, unjust and unfair. You do not need to take it.

ManOfMystery

Just a few thoughts about your husband.

1) Your personal life before you met him was (and importantly, still IS) none of his business. Even when you slept with the guy when your OH went back to the UK, the two of you were not in a committed relationship. When you marry someone you do not lay any claim to things they consider private, and certainly not things that occurred before you got together. He is being insecure and obsessive about this.

2) He had a gf who he cheated on with you. So he is also being hypocritical.

3) He called you a bike, yet he he has cheated on both you and his ex. He is deceitful and untrustworthy.

4) He tries to convince you that if you are a woman, and you have had sex with more than 1 man, there is something wrong with that. That his behaviour is allowed, but your 'behaviour' isn't. So not only is he hypocritical, he's a misogynist.

5) He has called you names in front of your children. He is disrespectful and verbally abusive.

So in short - your husband is insecure, obsessive, hypocritical, deceitful, untrustworthy, misogynistic, disrespectful and abusive.

It's highly likely that your husband's own record of cheating has made him acutely aware of how people can have the wool pulled over their eyes, and he's projecting this now onto you.

I'm summarising things yes, but doing so to try and give you some clarity as sometimes people are blinded by love and can't see the wood for the trees. His behaviour is not acceptable, and if it's pushing you to the point of being suicidal, you absolutely have to protect your own interests and the interests of your children. If that means getting away from him, then do it.

Faith

I would strongly advise against couples counselling, actually. I imagine he'd be only delighted to have more to attack you with, and he'd take anything you reveal or any vulnerability you show in counselling as ammo.

Big Bag of Chips

By the way, I personally know of someone who behaved pretty much as your husband is. Accusing his wife of exactly the same things. In front of their baby smiling at her telling her "when you're old enough I'm going to tell you exactly what a slut your mother is. The town bike" etc etc. She had had 1 sexual partner before him.

Turns out he had a liking for prostitutes.. For the entirety of their relationship/marriage. I'd be very wary of anyone so vocally accusing someone of something like this, without any real basis.

Scarinae

Helppls18 wrote: »

The kids idolise there Dad I'm afraid I'll damage them by separating.

Helppls18 wrote: »

He slagged me off last night in front of kids called me a town bike a prostitute

Honestly I'd be more worried about them being affected by you staying in the relationship, they'll think it's normal for someone to talk to their partner like that. Would you want your children to accept that behaviour from a future partner, or treat a future partner the way you're being treated?

Also, as many other people have pointed out, there is absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed about - your sexual history is none of his business, and his obsession with it is very odd.

You also won't bring 'shame' on your family - I bet if they knew how your husband is treating you they would be horrified, and would be behind you 100% if you choose to leave him.

Jurgen Klopp

Ah Jesus that's awful it's nuts like.

He's sone chancer having cheated on his ex with you, then cheated with others and it's a ONS you had before ever going out with him.

I'd say he's just a prick but getting so nitty gritty like what was said between you and man years ago in a car is just weird, that's the only thing that's making me wonder is there something a miss up stairs besides just being a prick

Helppls18

Thanks all, considering counselling on my own, not ready for couple yet, I need to sort my own head first.

bgr123

Feel so sorry for your situation.He's the problem and he definately needs some type of help.Important that you and the kids are in a safe enviornment.

Emme

Helppls18 wrote: »

Thanks all, considering counselling on my own, not ready for couple yet, I need to sort my own head first.

Your husband’s behaviour is completely out of order.

Good luck OP and stay safe. Women's Aid might be a good place to start. However if you decide to go DO NOT LET YOUR husband KNOW YOU ARE GETTING COUNSELLING OR CONTEMPLATING LEAVING. Have everything planned on the quiet before you go. Women's Aid will tell you why this is so important.

You are pregnant now and at your most vulnerable. Make sure you have plenty of support from friends and family. Take care.

punisher5112

Dh = dick head!!!!

TheBoyConor

Your husband sounds like a pathetic loser. In addition to the despicable, obsessive and pathetically insecure behaviour and his treament of you you should seriously consider separation and divorce. What exactly do you get from this relationship aside from abusive and insulting treatment?

And what I find worst of all is the threats of suicide when he hears you are going to leave him. That is the hallmark of an absolute swine to use a threat like that to influence or scare you. I'd call him on his bluff and let him off if he wants to.

I had a controlling jealous ex gf who I eventually broke up with after a few aborted attempts to break up with. She used to threaten to kill herself when I wanted to break up. In the end I decided that I knew full well it was a bluff and I called it. I told her we were done and I was gone and nothing could change my mind. She screamed and bawled she would kill herself and texts for a few days. I called her father at work and told her how she was acting and to go and deal with her before I blocked her. She lives in the south east now and is no longer my problem.

ChrissieH

Hey OP,
I'm sorry to hear that you're being treated like this. I wholeheartedly agree with the other posters who've suggested that his attitude is a reflection of what he's up to himself, as I do believe that people focus in on things that they are obsessed with about themselves (just think about yourself physically, if you have any hangups about yourself, like hating your hair or whatever, it's the first thing you look at in other people!)
And I also completely agree with the poster who said that this attitude tallies with someone who feels utterly inadequate, sexually. I have a friend in a similar relationship, although thankfully he's not as confrontational as your husband, but he still spent many years sulking and punishing her for the handful of sexual encounters she had before she met him. He'd also had a handful of sexual partners but of course that didn't matter. Double-standards all the way.
From listening to my friend, and knowing the 2 of them reasonably well, I just kept coming back to the same conclusion; he was desperately afraid that he didn't measure up to her ex partners, and rather than be a decent human being about that insecurity, he tried to turn it all around to make her feel ashamed of her actions, that way he got to feel superior and it ensures that there can NEVER be any sort of banter or jokes about sex that might further threaten him.
It's a way of controlling; for my friend, she was afraid of her life to mention certain pubs / holiday destinations etc, as they were triggers for him to sulk and try and shame her for her "slutty" behaviour, so it basically kept her in line, because God forbid she'd ever get on the wrong side of him - her entire "shameful history" would be thrown at her, so he got to behave terribly towards her and use her as his emotional punchbag (metaphorically speaking), knowing full well that she wouldn't dare to open her mouth.

I actually also agree with Faith above, saying that if you attend couples counselling, you may be leaving yourself very vulnerable to his disgusting abuse when you leave. He doesn't play fair in everyday life with you, so how can you trust him to respect the rules of therapy; you are leaving yourself wide open to even further mocking and bullying, and he doesn't deserve the chance to do that.
Therapy for yourself, as somewhere to vent and to gain the emotional strength you need, is probably the best option for you.

Best of luck with it, it's a horrible situation you're in but all the people who love you would absolutely NOT want you to stay in it.
The last thing you want is for your children to grow in that environment, it will totally skew their thinking and may cause them to look back on you with contempt, viewing you as weak.. you just don't know what way they interpret these situations, as obviously they're too young to understand what exactly is going on, so it's too much of a risk to think that they will remain unaware.
No wife deserves to be spoken to and treated the way he speaks and treats you.

TheBoyConor

Why would you even entertain the idea of therapy or counselling with someone like that? No-one deserves to be put down, interrogated and bullied like the OP. You should dump him pronto and move on with your life. Nobody needs that kind of drama in their life.

banoffe2

take extra good care of yourself OP you are only responsible for your own behaviour, based on experience counseling didn't work as the OH used it as a platform to put me down and put himself up! I know the counselors can see though this, but at least I can say I tried.
That kind of emotional abuse is head-wrecking, you deserve better.

Sunflower 27

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Why would you even entertain the idea of therapy or counselling with someone like that? No-one deserves to be put down, interrogated and bullied like the OP. You should dump him pronto and move on with your life. Nobody needs that kind of drama in their life.

It is very easy for us to say leave the creep. Sadly, this creep is a massive part of her and her children's lives. There will be hope that things don't have to really end, this is just a blip, it cab be worked through ...

I think counselling is a good idea. The op needs to address why she accepted such treatment for so long. Perhaps self esteem problems, fear of change.

Counselling doesn't mean the op will remain in the relationship, it's very likely her eyes will be opened to how abusive it really is. People in abusive relationships often don't see the abuse as clearly as people outside the relationship do (some don't see it at all). Often they have been beaten down over a long period of time and become tolerant and accepting of shi tty and abusive behaviour as a result

Sardonicat

^^^^
Posters are advising the OP against couples counselling with her partner present. I think most agree, however, that individual counselling for herself would be very beneficial to her.

Neyite

I would recommend that you seek individual counselling just to have someone to talk things over with. Ask your midwife to refer you. I remember the posters in the ante-natal clinics on the back of the toilet doors for domestic abuse as usually the first signs of domestic abuse manifest themselves when the woman becomes pregnant. So your midwife is a great contact to refer you onwards and if it can be disguised as part of your ante-natal care all the better. Couple's counselling is not recommended with someone who has abusive traits - in fact, should a counsellor discover it's an abusive relationship it's recommended that they terminate the sessions. Take your time to explore your thoughts with a counsellor, it can take a while to fully process it all.

Unfortunately what you are experiencing is a form of domestic abuse. It's low level but that does not mean it's damaging to you or your children over the long term. The way that we form adult relationships stem from what we see in the examples around us as children. In a situation like yours, a girl gets taught that verbal abuse, jealousy, misogyny and slut shaming are normal things in a relationship. A boy learns that this is how you treat a partner. So for you to teach your children that behaviour like this is unacceptable and partners don't tolerate it is actually a valuable life lesson of massive benefit to them as adults. It's a mistake thinking that he can change - they usually don't or if they do, it's as a result of many years of therapy. It's highly unlikely that it would come about in your children's childhoods, even if he was to put 100% into it.

The most dangerous time is when you are thinking about or preparing to leave. Your DV counsellor can advise you on safety tips and things he might threaten (and how you respond) if you choose to leave.

Finally, you don't need "a" reason to leave him. Many people think you do, but you don't. You don't need to go looking for proof of a dalliance or anything like that. It's enough for you to decide you no longer want to be with him and end it on that basis. You gave it a good honest try after he cheated on you, and got little except abuse and accusations in exchange so it's ok to just say you've had enough, you are miserable and want out of the marriage, if that's what you want.

TheBoyConor

Why anyone would want to convince themselves to stay or entertain the idea of counselling to try prolong a relationship with such an unlikable character is beyond me.
He's a cheating, jealous scumbag who will do nothing for you only bring you down for the rest of your life. Pack your things, pack your children and leave him for dust.