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Child Item

Tricky one...

bear1

So the wife and I are in the middle of a break-up and it's getting messier by the day.
We've 2 kids who I miss badly and struggle to see them as much as possible due to reasons I'll outline below.
The marriage break-up is a fault of us both, we clashed on too many things and resent each other for other issues.
Probably the death of our son was one of the biggest clashes we had and it's been pretty hard ever since.
This summer it finally came to a head and I was told to move out - note I also own half the house.
To save the peace I obliged and got an apartment on the other side of the city.
I've tried in vain to better positions ourselves financially with asking her to sell her car and I'd give her mine in exchange for free so she can still ferry the kids around.
I would then save up and buy another when possible.
Everything was good until a day before the sale she ups and changes her mind and throws a massive spanner in the works.
On top of this she has asked for over 50% of my salary in support which I've also tried to explain wasn't possible.
To counter this I've taken over double shifts at work and weekend work which is killing me mentally and physically.
I'm not sure how to meet her demands and she is now using the kids against me to put me further down and feel guilty I'm not able to financially support them in the amount she wants.
I earn twice as much as her but we also live in Warsaw - I came here for her.
I'm looking at the prospect of potentially having to move back to Ireland which after 10 years is just too much to handle for now.
I could sell my car at a serious loss to free up cash and tbh most of my cash is tied up in the house she wants to keep and I'm making no qualms about it as that's where my kids live but once she sells I'm entitled to my fair share of the profit which I bet she will also renegade on.
Do I sell everything and bow to her demands or stick to my guns and offer 1/4 of my salary? 1/4 is before my other bills fall due.

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professore

bear1 wrote: »

Child died 2 years ago this November.
It was a still birth which hit us hard... very hard.
We made it through but the scars remained and she went ahead with decisions which brought us damn near bankruptcy and forced me to work harder and harder in order to make ends meet.
I suggested a few times we try and move back to Ireland in order have a better lifestyle or at the very least earn what we deserve to earn but she was having none of it and this in turn made me feel trapped.
It changed my mood which then further changed hers.
We fought almost weekly which then became daily.
I do feel better since the decision, August was extremely hard and I honestly had no idea where to go or what to do.
Tonight I'm meeting her to discuss things and ask her if we can be back on friend terms for now and sort out the finances so the kids don't suffer.
I decided last night that I will sell my own car and use the cash to support the kids and to a lesser extent herself.
I'll keep the double shifts for as long as I can and also applied for new jobs to increase me salary.
I'll commit for now to 1/4 for the kids a bit extra for her in case she meets new expenses.
I can't be fairer than that I think.

Sounds very familiar to me.

I think trying to at least behave friendly and businesslike towards each other is a good start.

Senature

In relation to your salary, I would recommend you arrange to have it paid into your own bank account as soon as possible. Transfer an amount you are happy with to your wife's bank account weekly/monthly. You should also pay all your own bills from this account e.g. rent, groceries, utilities, car etc. This will help you keep track of your own expenses and be a first step in seperating you and your wife's finances.
I'm conscious you are trying to keep things on relatively good terms with your wife, which is to be commended. However, it does seem like you are very willing to work yourself to the bone, and give up things you probably need, like your car, to be able to give her more money. I can't see how that is sustainable. You already mentioned it is difficult for you to see your children at the moment. I presume going forward you will want them to be able to stay weekends/overnights with you. If so, you will need to budget for accommodation for yourself that will allow this. And also for what you will be paying for when the children are with you such as food, clothing etc. You might find that 25% is actually more than you can really afford. Also, if your children need new shoes, or school books etc, you can buy them. It isn't necessary for your wife to buy everything for them and you will feel more empowered as their father when you are directly involved in supporting them.
All the best with your discussions

bear1

Some seriously good advice here I have to say and thanks to you all.
To be clear I haven't sold my car yet it's an idea.
I've agreed this month I'll give 25% but it isn't guaranteed every month and also depends on my own expenses which she agreed to.
So I'm a bit more relieved.

Senature

Good for you, glad you are feeling a bit relieved. Onwards and upwards.

IHeartShoes

bear1 wrote: »

Some seriously good advice here I have to say and thanks to you all.
To be clear I haven't sold my car yet it's an idea.
I've agreed this month I'll give 25% but it isn't guaranteed every month and also depends on my own expenses which she agreed to.
So I'm a bit more relieved.

Have you seen your wife’s breakdown of costs supporting her request? I’m not sure deciding what proportion of your salary to give is the way to proceed here. Surely you itemise relevant costs for children and their housing etc and then negotiate what portion of those you will contribute to? That could be more or less than the quarter you propose.

She shouldn’t require spousal maintenance if she’s working. It’s unlikely she would be awarded that in court in any case.

Kidchameleon

Could you move back into the family home? You shouldn't have moved out in the first place

bear1

IHeartShoes wrote: »

Have you seen your wife’s breakdown of costs supporting her request? I’m not sure deciding what proportion of your salary to give is the way to proceed here. Surely you itemise relevant costs for children and their housing etc and then negotiate what portion of those you will contribute to? That could be more or less than the quarter you propose.

She shouldn’t require spousal maintenance if she’s working. It’s unlikely she would be awarded that in court in any case.

The money offered is what i've more or less will be needed to cover food, days out and fuel to bring the oldest to kindergarten.

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Could you move back into the family home? You shouldn't have moved out in the first place

Not a hope, it would be a disaster and would cause more grief than is needed.

zoe 3619

Bear,I remember you're thread a couple of years ago about your poor little baby.It was absolutely heart wrenching to read,and I'm so sorry that this is how things have panned out for your family.
If you're working all the hours you can,do you have much time left over to spend with the kids?It must be strange for them with you gone from the home-leave a bit of space to spend time with them even if it means turning down a bit of overtime or saturday work.will count for more in the long run.

strandroad

bear1 wrote: »

The money offered is what i've more or less will be needed to cover food, days out and fuel to bring the oldest to kindergarten.

So she would have to cover clothes, shoes, kindergarten fees, any healthcare costs, toys, holidays etc herself from an equivalent part of her (much lower) salary? I can see her going the courts route as it doesn't seem to be enough. She is the main carer so it will be expected that her financial contribution is lower than yours to account for that; you might be ordered to sell the house though, I think that Ireland is unusual in how the "family home" is protected from sale; elsewhere it's simply an asset and if it's possible to downsize to release some funds the court will mandate it.

Purple Mountain

Ahhh sorry Bear.
I didn't put 2 and 2 together.
I remember your thread too on your little one passing. Time does seem to cruise by.
You had my love and support then and you do now.
If only more parents were as good and dependable as you are.

IHeartShoes

bear1 wrote: »

The money offered is what i've more or less will be needed to cover food, days out and fuel to bring the oldest to kindergarten.

What about housing i.e. mortgage, insurances, house maintenance and utilities? Not all of it obviously but a portion to be determined.

bear1

strandroad wrote: »

So she would have to cover clothes, shoes, kindergarten fees, any healthcare costs, toys, holidays etc herself from an equivalent part of her (much lower) salary? I can see her going the courts route as it doesn't seem to be enough. She is the main carer so it will be expected that her financial contribution is lower than yours to account for that; you might be ordered to sell the house though, I think that Ireland is unusual in how the "family home" is protected from sale; elsewhere it's simply an asset and if it's possible to downsize to release some funds the court will mandate it.

No the extra expenses I'll also help to cover. We agreed that she will tell me what needs paying and when.
This is a temporary solution in order to help us have a benchmark. Once I start earning more then I'll contribute more.

bear1

IHeartShoes wrote: »

bear1 wrote: »

The money offered is what i've more or less will be needed to cover food, days out and fuel to bring the oldest to kindergarten.

What about housing i.e. mortgage, insurances, house maintenance and utilities? Not all of it obviously but a portion to be determined.

Insurance I've paid for the year so that's already sorted and I'll still pay the monthly life insurance on the house in case something happens to me.
Tbh I was the one told to leave so I can't be expected to pay for a house plus the place I'm in now plus support and bills and be expected to live a life by myself.
For now it's not feasible and she has the income necessary to cover the mortgage.

Senature

Bear I am glad you recognise there will be two homes to pay for between the two of you. That's likely to be the most significant expense you will both have by far. You seem to be approaching this with a lot of clarity which is difficult to do at such an early stage, hopefully this will help makes things easier on you going forward. All the best.

Keyzer

I hope this works out for you.

As many have said and, if you haven't already, you should speak to a solicitor.

IHeartShoes

bear1 wrote: »

IHeartShoes wrote: »

Insurance I've paid for the year so that's already sorted and I'll still pay the monthly life insurance on the house in case something happens to me.
Tbh I was the one told to leave so I can't be expected to pay for a house plus the place I'm in now plus support and bills and be expected to live a life by myself.
For now it's not feasible and she has the income necessary to cover the mortgage.

The law isn’t bothered about who asked whom to move out and as you are liable for half the mortgage and obliged to have life assurance, you absolutely can be expected to pay above liabilities and fund your own accommodation. Then factor the child maintenance on top. It is prohibitive and does prevent some couples from separating..

It’s a very tough time with a lot to consider and I do wish you the very best with it all.

paw patrol

dude, only advice I can give you is this.

it may seem noble to sacrifice plenty of money and your quality of life now for her and the kids but in the end you will be living your own life and she hers apart.

You need money esp disposable income to live your life so you can sign up to be generous if it's not sustainable.
You should think of that, how are you going to get your own place , car , holidays etc.. without working double shifts forever, which will send you to an early grave.

She isn't able to just sit back and ask for everything , she needs to work and earn her own keep. Assuming you both aren't old , she is young enough to work and start again. Both your previous lives and arrangements are done .

Harsh as it sounds, you don't owe her anything.
You may think it's the decent thing coughing up plenty of cash but you are really funding her lifestyle and you will resent that quite quickly esp if you don't have anything left to fund yours.

I'd sort out the house . sell it , split the money and move on - sharing an asset like that will be a nightmare.

IN a few years there may be another man on the scene...you'll have a pain in your hole paying for half a house with the new lad lodging there.

bear1

Updating this.
So on Tuesday I officially filed and she should receive the documents within the next few days.
She has her moments but as of recent has stepped up the bitch metre.
Still demanding a fortune every month even though I've repeated constantly that I just can't.
Put the car up for sale as well after debating with myself. No luck yet b