nav[aria-label="Primary Navigation"] { padding: 0; & ul { list-style: none; width: 100%; display: flex; flex-direction: row; justify-content: start; align-items: start; gap: 30px; padding: 0; & li { margin: 0; } & ul li { list-style: none; } } }

Child Item

Single, 32 and considering a vasectomy.....

TheBoyConor

Hello,

I'm a 32 year old guy and I've been in 2 serious relationships over the years. I am single now about 2 years and over that time i have come to my current thinking that I don't want to have children. I just can see myself adapting into a family life as a father. I don't think I would be happy at it and many parents I know just seem to be in a perpetual state of stress - not the way I want to live. My independence is important to me.

Of course, any time I get with a girl I ensure protection is in place but even so I have mistrusts about it and often can worry a bit for a few weeks afterwards whether anything leaked or that, even though I always check everything afterwards. One time I even asked the girl to get the morning after pill even though the condom didn't break but i was suspicious that it might have leaked around the bottom. Another time I, somewhat reluctantly, got with a woman I was dating without using a condom after she assured me she was on the pill and always is for other issues. In both instances the women assured me there was no need to get the MAP but agreed to just go and get it if it would put my mind at ease.

I feel like I'd be happy to get a vasectomy to rule out the possibilities of accidents but then sometimes I wonder what about if I change my mind about kids in 5 or 10 years time.
However, another thought is that in 10 years time I'll be 42 and likely too old and set in my ways to be taking on having a child so that covers me.

Would I be considered for a vasectomy? I know some physicians are against giving them to single childless men but I then I thought that tends to be more so for young fellas in their 20s. At 32 would they consider me to be old enough to have my mind made up?

All advice appreciated.

Find more posts tagged with

Quick Links

Comments

LegacyUser

At the age of 32, with 2 serious relationships under your belt, do you honestly think that your parents believe you to have been celibate the last 14 years or so? Really? And if they were that religious, would they not have been encouraging you to marry one of your previous ex's?

As for the financial burden of having a child....it's split 50% between you& the mother. So if you choose to date wisely(someone sensible, mature, independent, with good family background& support) then that shouldn't be a huge issue.

If you just want to sow your wild oats without any risk of repercussions or responsibilities, freeze your sperm as back up, have the vasectomy , continue to wear condoms. (Personally I'm more worried about the risk of STDs than pregnancy). Then off you go, enjoy.

TheBoyConor

It kinda would be for me if I got a girl pregnant.
I put my independence and freedom at the end of the day and the thoughts of being tied into family life really stresses me. Even if I was too walk away and not be involved I'd still have a huge financial burden to manage.
Another thing that stresses me is how would I tell my family. I come from a rural farming background, mass every Sunday growing up and my my family would be fairly traditional. Having to tell them I got a girl I'm not even going out with pregnant would be make me feel so ashamed and foolish.

fits

Just make sure you are not basing your decision on echo chambers like boards where there is a pretty negative attitude in general towards long term relationships and parenting.

I saw my siblings go through busy times with young children and I was not broody or interested in children much at all. When you go through it yourself it’s completely different.

Lash Into The Pints

Seems insane to get a vasectomy at 32. And even if you get a girl pregnant it's hardly the end of the world. We need more children.

[Deleted User]

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Hello,

I'm a 32 year old guy and I've been in 2 serious relationships over the years. I am single now about 2 years and over that time i have come to my current thinking that I don't want to have children. I just can see myself adapting into a family life as a father. I don't think I would be happy at it and many parents I know just seem to be in a perpetual state of stress - not the way I want to live. My independence is important to me.

I think it's madness to rule yourself out of something in the future by taking such a drastic step now. Many of us change in five or ten years. We usually become more confident in ourselves and less stressed out about stuff that stressed us in our 20s. You do not know how you will feel in even a few years time when your circumstances change. You could meet somebody, fall deeply in love and the lack of a child could be a source of unhappiness when you move on to the next level. You might very well be in a situation where raising a child gives you as much happiness in the future as your independence gives you now. People change. Contexts change. And you will want to have the freedom then rather than be a prisoner of a decision you made at 32. Be smart.

wiggle16

Mod note:

No more general discussion in the thread please. Please remember that you are addressing the OP when you reply in the thread: if you do not have constructive advice to give to the OP, please do not post.

GingerLily

Purple Mountain wrote: »

In relation to the scenarios outlined here..
In one, the OP had concerns that there might have been a leakage in the other the woman in question seems to be the one pushing for non barrier method sex.
So if I was the woman in either of those scenarios and was asked to take the map then yes I would because really the only reassurance a man has for knowing his contraception methods worked is visually with the condom being inspected.
If I was in casual encounters with a man or men then I think it's fair game for EITHER party to be over cautious in relation to pregnancy or STI risk. So then the question arises to any of us out there who may be having casual encounters if it's something to peruse with or wait until a more committed circumstance presents?
Like I said this argument is just that, an argument and not helping the OP with his query so I'd be happy to participate in this debate if it arises in AH or elsewhere. Thanks.

I think it's extremely important that the OP understands how significant a needless MAP is.

No one is suggesting that the OP doesn't inform a partner if he genuinely believes a condom leaked, but he should not be asking women to take the MAP just because he has general anxiety around pregnancy.

The MAP is not meant to be used that way.

GingerLily

leggo wrote: »

Right. That’s interesting. I also know families who do spend a lot of time together. But are you aware that 100% of people who choose not to have a family don’t have any family whatsoever to spend time with in their elder years? So, once again, it’s worth the OP considering.

If you’d like to start a topic about “Do people in Ireland spend time with their elders” then do so. But I’m talking to the OP and giving him multiple scenarios worth considering before making this permanent decision.

Not true, many families include their childless aunts and uncles in family events.

Purple Mountain

nikkibikki wrote: »

Would you be happy to ingest chemical, artificial hormones that will affect you for weeks after every sexual encounter? Especially when one other form of contraception was used?

In relation to the scenarios outlined here..
In one, the OP had concerns that there might have been a leakage in the other the woman in question seems to be the one pushing for non barrier method sex.
So if I was the woman in either of those scenarios and was asked to take the map then yes I would because really the only reassurance a man has for knowing his contraception methods worked is visually with the condom being inspected.
If I was in casual encounters with a man or men then I think it's fair game for EITHER party to be over cautious in relation to pregnancy or STI risk. So then the question arises to any of us out there who may be having casual encounters if it's something to peruse with or wait until a more committed circumstance presents?
Like I said this argument is just that, an argument and not helping the OP with his query so I'd be happy to participate in this debate if it arises in AH or elsewhere. Thanks.

leggo

....... wrote: »

I dont agree with this.

I know way more older folk who are not well cared for by their family than are.

Sometimes its distance, emigration, bad feelings. But often its just busy lives.

Most of my friends would say that they dont see enough of their parents because they are both working, trying to raise kids, stay fit, etc...

Its far more the norm that in old age youll see your kids for an hour or so every week or so than not.

Right. That’s interesting. I also know families who do spend a lot of time together. But are you aware that 100% of people who choose not to have a family don’t have any family whatsoever to spend time with in their elder years? So, once again, it’s worth the OP considering.

If you’d like to start a topic about “Do people in Ireland spend time with their elders” then do so. But I’m talking to the OP and giving him multiple scenarios worth considering before making this permanent decision.

.......

leggo wrote: »

The obvious counterpoint is that you likely wouldn’t ‘vividly remember’ this specific situation if it was the norm. We don’t tend to vividly remember perfectly average, normal scenarios.

I dont agree with this.

I know way more older folk who are not well cared for by their family than are.

Sometimes its distance, emigration, bad feelings. But often its just busy lives.

Most of my friends would say that they dont see enough of their parents because they are both working, trying to raise kids, stay fit, etc...

Its far more the norm that in old age youll see your kids for an hour or so every week or so than not.

leggo

Faith wrote: »

I've gotta jump in here. I worked with older adults, and that's one way to see how having children or grandchildren is NO guarantee that someone will look after you when you're older. I vividly remember one woman who had two kids and several grandchildren. None of them were actively involved with her (they let her spend Christmas on her own, ffs), apart from one grandchild who leached off her to the degree that she was reported to services for financial abuse. That poor woman died virtually penniless and having spent the last 6 years of her life deeply depressed and anxious because of the hell her granddaughter put her through. If you think having children guarantees you a happy later life, you're sadly mistaken.

My husband and I don't plan on having any children, and we've had lots of discussions about how to ensure that we don't end up isolated in our old age.

The obvious counterpoint is that you likely wouldn’t ‘vividly remember’ this specific situation if it was the norm. We don’t tend to vividly remember perfectly average, normal scenarios.

Like you said, your husband and yourself had to make specific plans to not end up isolated in your old age because you don’t wish to have children. You’ve considered this already, I’m merely suggesting the OP do so too before making a permanent decision.

I’d be more inclined towards believing people shouldn't have kids if they’re unsure it’s what they want, so I’m not trying to force my own personal beliefs/lifestyle choices on people. I’m just pro-taking everything into account before making an irreversible decision, so that’s worth adding, and you agree yourself or you wouldn’t have had those chats with your SO.

LirW

I'll go against the grain a bit and I'll also leave the whole MAP thing out.

At the end of the day you know if you want it or not. If it's snipped that's it, think of it irreversible.
Do you plan on having a committed long term relationship at any point in the future. Do you think you'd really change your mind if your partner considers children? If you don't know, hold off. If you can genuinely answer these questions with no, then go on and have the snip.
If you're seeing women casually and plan on doing so for a long time, it's absolutely up to you to take care of your health and childlessness.

After all there are plenty of people that know for certain they will never have children. Your reproductive choices are yours and not the one of your potential partner that's not there and might never be.
Yes, your potential partner therefore has to be a woman who also doesn't see kids in her life if you go ahead, so the pool of ladies who want a family won't be for you then. But it goes both ways and at the end of the day there's no compromise when it comes to having kids or not.

I don't like the belittling of reproductive choice that's going on, not only amongst people but also when you talk to professionals. I have 2 kids and I'm just about younger than the OP. I knew that the second is it, I will not go through another pregnancy ever again. I asked for a tubal ligation and stood my case but no chance to get one. Everyone told me I will change my mind and "ah they all say that and we see them again." I do not find that funny and I'd prefer if my choice would be taken seriously. The thought of another pregnancy terrifies me. Even if I should ever have another partner, which I'm not planning because mine is amazing, I wouldn't want to have another kid. This ship has sailed.

If you want a vasectomy you need to be aware that this is a fight that you'll need to be prepared fighting, since you're not the ideal candidate. If you're not 2000% certain, don't go down that road and continue using Johnnies.

Also please take a lesson on the female reproductive system and how it works. I found that there's a real lack of understanding especially in men what's going on down there. No offence but that's something you will definitely benefit from!

.......

Vincent Mammoth Sluggishness wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Nothing to do with popular opinion, just medical fact.

A vasectomy should not be undertaken with the belief that it is definitely reversible.

Reattaching a severed vans deferens is not always possible. The human body being what it is, it will have developed scar tissue over the original severed areas, and the unused portion will shrink and may not be available to reconnect to.

This varies by person, length of time since vasectomy, type of vasectomy, and sheer blind luck.

Please dont take my word for this, or "popular opinion", your vasectomy surgeon will be able to give you the stats on reversal success rates.

You will find that no surgeon in the world will touch you for a vasectomy if you blurt out that "shure its grand if I change my mind cos its definitely reversible".

A vasectomy should not be undertaken lightly. There are risks. To undertake it thinking it can be reversed later if you change your mind would be moronic.

Faith

leggo wrote: »

It's also a decent investment for when you're old and infirm that you have children to take care of you, grandchildren to give you joy and generally people to spend time with. There's an auld lad on the road I live on who I've started checking in with when possible: I noticed he's got early stages dementia but no family to care for him or make any important decisions and he spends most days standing at his wall trying to grab anyone who walks by who'll talk to him because he has nobody else. It's really sad tbh. That's the old age you could be deciding to have with this move.

I've gotta jump in here. I worked with older adults, and that's one way to see how having children or grandchildren is NO guarantee that someone will look after you when you're older. I vividly remember one woman who had two kids and several grandchildren. None of them were actively involved with her (they let her spend Christmas on her own, ffs), apart from one grandchild who leached off her to the degree that she was reported to services for financial abuse. That poor woman died virtually penniless and having spent the last 6 years of her life deeply depressed and anxious because of the hell her granddaughter put her through. If you think having children guarantees you a happy later life, you're sadly mistaken.

My husband and I don't plan on having any children, and we've had lots of discussions about how to ensure that we don't end up isolated in our old age.

To address the OP's point, I'd suggest holding off for a few years if you can, at least until you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. How would you feel if you met the woman of your dreams and she desperately wanted children?

metamorphosis

To be honest, I think living in fear and having this paranoia about pregnancy needs to be addressed first and foremost, perhaps with counselling, before you even begin to consider such a procedure.

Your thought process is not the norm OP.

dudara

Vincent Mammoth Sluggishness wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

@Vincent Mammoth Sluggishness - Less of this please. It adds exactly nothing to the conversation. Please read the forum charter before posting again.

dudara

nikkibikki

To the OP, it's good that you are considering it as it shows you yourself don't want all the onus to be on the woman. Contraception options for men though are quite limited. There was talk of a male pill there a few years ago but not sure what happened with that.

I think it's def worth a chat with your GP. They will likely be very reluctant to refer you for one just like that. I think you need to look at other things first. You do seem to have a heightened sense of anxiety around unwanted pregnancies occurring and that might be something that needs addressing. You could also talk to your GP about getting more advice from maybe a sexual health or family planning expert. This is a family planning issue btw, you are planning NOT to have one so it's still valid.

I think you know yourself that it's unreasonable to expect a woman to take MAP unless there's genuine evidence of and concern about condom leakage and not just paranoia that it might have leaked and you don't know.

0cp71eyxkb94qf

This post has been deleted.

nikkibikki

Purple Mountain wrote:

It's not all on her. He's being responsible using the condom. He became worried that there was a leak. I think it's way more responsible to err on the side of caution and suggest an additional prevention. The time there was no protection worn, it was the lady who said it would be OK as she was taking the pill. OP himself says he was hesitant. I'm sorry OP that we have veered off topic but I felt that you were getting unfair criticism here. I will reply to your question later when I've more time.

Would you be happy to ingest chemical, artificial hormones that will affect you for weeks after every sexual encounter? Especially when one other form of contraception was used?

TheBoyConor

He is married to her but he's self employed with a few businesses on the go. He's basically a provider but isn't really hands on at all as he's always either away or when he's home he's usually on one phone call after another.

Hurrache

TheBoyConor wrote: »

My sister is literally run off her feet with them and has little or no chance to do anything outside of work or childcare. I'd have no desire to take on that level of stress and responsibility on a 24/7 basis. The kids are great, but in small doses only.

Is the father on the scene? With a small bit of organisation both parents can have plenty of time of activities outside of the family.

JMNolan

Hi OP. I can't help you too much on whether you will ever want kids or not but I can give you my experience of getting a vasectomy. I was 35, no issue with the age for the guy who did the procedure. Procedure itself was fine, I had the no-scalpel procedure. Sex life afterwards is a lot better as the risk of unexpected pregnancy is very very small. All in all if you are sure you want it then go for it, I haven't had any regrets.

witchgirl26

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Another thing that frightens the life out of me is when I see things about children born with very bad special needs or disabilities. I know it's a relativity small chance but I don't know if I could be putting myself in the position of potentially having to deal with that. If I'm honest, it sounds like a dreadfully stressful and sad life for all involved.
And sure by the time I'd meet someone, get married, have the child etc both the mother and myself would likely by 35+ - an age where the chances of disabilities begins to accelerate exponentially due to the effects of both maternal and paternal age. Besides, I don't have any interest in serious relationships and certainly cannot envisage myself wanting to marry in the foreseeable future. Broody women turn me off because I know what they are after and it's incompatible with my outlook. And so so many marriages end up as miserable dead ends it's unreal. Look at all the threads in the divorce and separation forum.

OP I'm not going to lie but that sounds like such a pessimistic view on life that you have there. A large number of marriages don't end up in miserable dead ends. Of all the marriages within mine and my partners family I can literally only point to two that might be considered in that range. There's bound to be loads of threads because people will generally post about problems, not how great things are going.

In terms of broody women - is this actually being said or are you presuming because of age? Despite being in a long term relationship and in my early 30's, up until a couple of years ago, I was in no way broody. And if I wasn't with my partner, I don't think I would be at all. It's more I want a family with him, not just a child at any cost.

Yes the risks increase as you get older, however they are still relatively small.

Look I'm not going to try to convince you about children - that's your own decision and completely up to you. But I think a medical procedure to stop that possibility might be on the extreme side considering your age. Men can father children a lot longer than women. My dad was 40 before he got married and had his first child. That wasn't in his plan at your age.

.......

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I don't agree but that's life..people's opinions differ.
If a guy asked me to take the MAP due to a concern that there was a potential leakage, I would actually respect him more and be a lot more grateful than an 'it'll be grand' attitude.
Like I said, this ancillary debate isn't answering his question so I'm bowing out.

The MAP is a massive dose of hormones that can have a severe effect on a womans health.

It is absolutely NOT reasonable to ask someone to take it because you dont trust them.

Without prior agreement that the MAP is the back up plan it should never be assumed that a woman would take it. Many women would be medically contraindicated re taking it and there are only certain times in the cycle where it is effective.

If the OP is so concerned that someone is lying to him about being on the pill then he should either be practising safer sex (ie, using more than one type of contraceptive at a time) or abstaining altogether.

Idle Passerby

I think you're being very sensible in considering a vasectomy. You've obviously put some thought into what you want in life which is admirable. I can completely sympathise about the fear of having a child with a disability when the thought of a healthy one is daunting enough.

For what it's worth, the idea that all women in their 30s are baby mad is a total fallacy. Seeing as you aren't even currently interested in having a relationship, I don't think you need to worry too much about the women whose goal with a man is children.

No one can tell you whether or not you'd regret it in years to come but I don't think there's any harm in setting the ball in motion. If it's anywhere near as difficult as it is for women, it's a process that could take years. It's doubtful you'll have to make a final decision on it this week or next in any case. You might as well begin investigating.

TheBoyConor

Thanks. That old man you speak of does sound very isolated to be honest. That's so sad. Fair play to you for making a bit of time for him.

However, I don't think having someone to talk to when you're really old is enough justification to have a child. A lot of young people move away and might hardly never see their grandparents anyway. But, yeah I get your point.

I do have two nieces of 6 &7 alright and I love them to bits, they are so funny and I love hanging out with them and stuff. They are great and I love having the opportunity to spend time with them which is most weekends. However, the beauty of it is I'm the "fun uncle" and everything is all good craic but I'm thankful that I can give them back to my sister and walk away at the end of the day. My sister is literally run off her feet with them and has little or no chance to do anything outside of work or childcare. I'd have no desire to take on that level of stress and responsibility on a 24/7 basis. The kids are great, but in small doses only.

Another thing that frightens the life out of me is when I see things about children born with very bad special needs or disabilities. I know it's a relativity small chance but I don't know if I could be putting myself in the position of potentially having to deal with that. If I'm honest, it sounds like a dreadfully stressful and sad life for all involved.
And sure by the time I'd meet someone, get married, have the child etc both the mother and myself would likely by 35+ - an age where the chances of disabilities begins to accelerate exponentially due to the effects of both maternal and paternal age. Besides, I don't have any interest in serious relationships and certainly cannot envisage myself wanting to marry in the foreseeable future. Broody women turn me off because I know what they are after and it's incompatible with my outlook. And so so many marriages end up as miserable dead ends it's unreal. Look at all the threads in the divorce and separation forum.

leggo

Yeah OP your thought process and experience would suggest you're not even nearly ready enough to get a near-irreversible procedure. Your logic is because your friends who have children all seem stressed...but that's such a tiny aspect of the pros/cons of parenthood. Have you any nieces and nephews that you could perhaps mind for a day to get some perspective? Or even any pets? From an entirely selfish POV alone, having a child and caring for someone can be one of the most rewarding things you can do, give your entire life a sense of purpose and be extremely fun too. You're early into your 30's, but as time goes on pretty much all of your friends will end up going down the family route and you'll have very little else to do or people to do it with. It's also a decent investment for when you're old and infirm that you have children to take care of you, grandchildren to give you joy and generally people to spend time with. There's an auld lad on the road I live on who I've started checking in with when possible: I noticed he's got early stages dementia but no family to care for him or make any important decisions and he spends most days standing at his wall trying to grab anyone who walks by who'll talk to him because he has nobody else. It's really sad tbh. That's the old age you could be deciding to have with this move.

I'm not getting preachy and telling you that you should want children, it's a perfectly valid viewpoint to have. I'm just saying there's a LOT to consider and a lot you're giving up in getting surgery to ensure you don't, when having (what sounds like) relatively infrequent casual sex using condoms while the other person is on the pill is enough to have you covered. If you meet someone you like, then you'll start having regular sex and your perspective may/may not change as you start to build a life together. If you don't then, as you said, eventually it'll become a moot point anyway.

I just don't see any particular need in your life, as you describe it, to make this permanent decision and start a complicated process right now. If I've missed something, though, by all means let me know.

rainbowtrout

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I get what you're saying with your statistics but OP is not in a relationship and the 2 examples he gave were with casual ladies he didn't really know.
I don't think it's fair for a man to take the word of a woman he is not committed with the she is actually on the pill or that she has taken it correctly in that cycle. And furthermore the 5 day rule..again a man is taking a woman's word that it's 'safe' that particular day.
Best of luck OP. I don't have any further insight to add.

If he didn't know the woman very well that said she was on the pill and couldn't 100% trust what she said, then he should have used a condom or not slept with her. He's still at risk of STDs by not using a condom anyway.
It's not reasonable to expect someone to take a hormonal contraceptive just because of his paranoia.

If you're not 100% sure OP, probably best to hold off on surgery.

Purple Mountain

SusieBlue wrote: »

He doesn't have to take her word for it, but he certainly isn't in a position to be asking them to take the MAP just to ease his own mind.

If he has such little trust to cause that level of paranoia he simply shouldn't be sleeping with them.

I don't agree but that's life..people's opinions differ.
If a guy asked me to take the MAP due to a concern that there was a potential leakage, I would actually respect him more and be a lot more grateful than an 'it'll be grand' attitude.
Like I said, this ancillary debate isn't answering his question so I'm bowing out.