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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

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h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A man was strolling along the river one morning.

During his walk he came upon a fisher man with his fishing pole clutched in his hands, sound asleep on the side of the river bank.

Hey there yelled the man as he shook the the fisher man to wake him up.

Eventually the fisher man woke up.

You have a bite the man said.

I do yawned the sleepy man looking out at the water.

He asks your man If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for me?

Your man, somewhat surprised, did as he was asked and pulled the line in for him.

Now, mister, will you put some fresh bait on the hook and cast the line out for me.

Again the man did what he was asked.

After doing so he turned to the lazy fisher man and said you know, anyone as lazy as you ought to get married and have a son to do these things for you..

That's a good idea said the fisher man.

He then asks with a devilish smile do you know where I could find a pregnant woman who's looking for a husband?

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A large, well established, Canadian lumber company advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.

The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

Just give me a chance to show you what I can do, said the skinny little man.

Okay, see that giant redwood over there said the lumberjack? Take your axe and go cut it down.

The skinny little man headed for the tree, and after five minutes of chopping he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.

I cut the tree down, said the skinny little man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?

In the Sahara Forest, replied the puny man.

You mean the Sahara Desert, said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back

Oh sure, that's what they call it now.

Purple Mountain

I'll see all you fine folks when I get my glasses.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer.

This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, Which do you want, son?

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

What did I tell you? said the barber. That kid never learns.

Later, when the customer leaves, the barber sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

Hey, son can i ask I ask you a question?

The barber asks the boy why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?

The boy licked his cone and replied, because the day I take the dollar, is the day the game will end.

Sid and Ted are business partners.

They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the spirit world.

So Ted dies.

Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife.

Then one day he gets a call. It’s Ted.

So there is an afterlife What’s it like Ted’ Sid asks?

Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex.

Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch.

Have some more sex, take a nap.

Have huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.

Oh, my God, says Sid. So that’s what heaven is like?

Oh no, says Ted. I’m not in heaven.

I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.

byrner88

Two men are approaching each other on a footpath. Both are dragging their right foot as they
walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, “Vietnam, 1969.”

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, “Dog ****, 20 feet back.”

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.

He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there’s a knock on the door.

He opens the dopr and sees the same snail.

The snail says to him:

What the hell was that all about?

Paddy shows up late for work.

The boss yells you should’ve been here at 8.30.

Paddy replies.Why? What happened at 8.30?

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A woman is in the hospital and just had twins, a boy and a girl. But no one is there with her except her brother.

The nurse comes into the room after the delivery and says, your brother has taken the liberty to name the children.

The new mother says, Oh no. he probably gave them stupid names.

The nurse says,The girls name is Denise.

The mother says,That's not bad, i like it.

And the boys she asks?

The boys name is De-nephew.

A Giraffe and a rabbit meet up in the forest.

The Giraffe, in his usual arrogant way starts up a conversation.

So, he asks the rabbit, do you know how great it is to have such a long neckhe asks,with a faint tone of smugness in his voice.

I'm sure i don't, replies the rabbit, obviously not really that interested.

Well, to begin with, when I'm hungry and I chew my beautiful leaves, how can I describe the sensation of the leaves going down my throat.

They go down and down and down it's one hour of sheer pleasure says the Giraffe.

Really, how fascinating replies the rabbit with one eyebrow raised.

Oblivious to the rabbits lack of enthusiasm the Giraffe continues and says when I'm thirsty, and I drink water, for a full hour it goes down and down and down.

It's heaven on earth.

Amazing says the rabbit, but just one question.

Have you ever thrown up?

byrner88

I went to A & E yesterday and said to the nurse "I've been stung by a wasp. Have you got anything for it?"

She said "whereabouts is it?"

I said "I don't know. It'll be ****ing miles away by now"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Al-Qaeda have hidden bombs in tins of Alphabet Spaghetti.

If they go off, they could spell disaster.

Where do noodles go to dance?

The Meat Ball.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

There was a man who really took care of his body.

He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.

One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis.

He then decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along.

Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, There really is no justice in the world.

The other little old lady asked, What do you mean by that?

The first little old lady replied, Look at that.

When I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I forgot about it.

Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat.

MikeyTaylor

Why was Homer Simpson watching The Vampire Diaries?

He wanted to see Nina D'oh-brev.

Capt'n Midnight

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. Should have put it on aloha setting.

Capt'n Midnight

I think this year's Fibonacci conference will be as big as the last two combined!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

An angry wife met her husband at the door at six o clock in the morning.

There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

She snarled at him saying i hope you have a good reason for arriving home at this hour of the morning?

The husband replied I do.

Breakfast.

Two windmills are standing in a field.

One asks the other, What kind of music do you like?

The other one says,

I’m a big metal fan.

patmac

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I think this year's Fibonacci conference will be as big as the last two combined!

I’m thanking this post after pretending that I didn’t google who dafuq Fibonacci was.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I said to the judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus.

He said, Repeat infractions?

I said, Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?

Only time will tell.

Bob Harris

Paddy and Mick were arguing about the measurement of a flagpole when a builder passes by and casually interrupts them.

"I have an idea to help you settle this, fellas" he says, then slides the pole out of the ground, lays it flat then gets his tape measure and measures it.

"you're an awful eejit" says Mick, "we were discussing the height not the length"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking.

He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it.

He looks at his mother and says look momma i'm a white boy.

His mother slaps him hard on the face and says boy go show your Daddy.

The boy goes into the living room and says look daddy i'm a white boy.

His Daddy slaps him on the face too and says boy go show your grandmother.

Look Granny i'm a white boy. She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says well did you learn anything from all this?

The boy shakes his head and says i sure did.

I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you fcuking black people.

branie2

A blonde goes to the dentist and sits in the chair.
The dentist says, "open wide, please."
She says, "I can't; the arm rests are in the way!"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A husband and wife decided they needed to use a code word to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children know about it.

They decided on the word "typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, go tell your mammy that daddy needs to type a letter.

The child told her mam what her dad said. Then her mother said,

Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter.

The child went back to tell her father what her mother had said.

A few days later the mam told the daughter tell daddy that he can type that letter now.

The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and said to her,

Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.

RiderOnTheStorm

a 2 for 1.....

A Buddhist monk goes up to a street vendor to buy a hot-dog. "Make me one with everything" he says. So the vendor piles on all the usual toppings and hands over the dog, and asks for â‚¬5. The Buddhist hands over a â‚¬10 bill, which the vendor pockets. "What about my change?" says the monk. "Change comes from within" replies the sage vendor. . . .

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

On the last day of play school the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son gave her a box. She shook it, held it up, and said, I bet I know what it is. Is it flowers?

That's right said the boy.

Then the candy store owner's son gave her his package. She shook it, held it up, and said, I bet I know what it is.

Is it a box of candy?"

That's right said the boy.

Next the liquor store owner's son handed her his box.

She shook it, held it up, and noticed that it was leaking.

She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.and said i bet i know what it is.

Is it wine?

No, said the boy.

She touched another drop to her tongue.

Is it Champagne?

No said the boy.

I give up. What is it?

The boy grinned and said it's a puppy.

jimgoose

I travel the land,
Asking rides from kind strangers.
I'm a Hitch-Haiku.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

It was a little boy's first day in school and the teacher decided to play a guessing game.

She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received was.

When it was the new boy, Jimmy's turn, the teacher gave him a candy stick.

She asked do you know what that is?

Jimmy replied no.

The teacher then said go ahead and open it up and taste it. Little Jimmy opened it up.

The teacher then asked, now do you know what it is?

Little Jimmy said no.

The teacher said, I'll give you a hint. it's something your daddy wants from your mammy every morning before he goes to work.

With that little a girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams

Jimmy spit it out it's a piece of ass.

jimgoose

Ever have one of those days? I went into a petstore this morning, it went something like this:

Me: That birdcage there, is it made out of nickel?

Petstore Owner: No sir, I believe those are all made of aluminium.

Me: So there's no nickel in the cage?

PO: Aha! I see what you're at now - don't you dare, don't even THINK about it!!

Me: It's a Nickleless Cage.

PO: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SHOP!!!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

One day the first class teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read, and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?

The teacher paused then asked the class, and what do you think that man said?

One little boy raised his hand and said, miss i know what he said.

And what's that asks the teacher?

Holy sh*t a talking pig .

coolhull

I saw a car with a sticker saying
"I am a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal."

That's when it occurred to me just how many gynecologists' cars there are on the road.....

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Why are priests called father?

Because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts.

One day his teacher kept him after school.

When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said,

I do it because I can do it better than everyone else and i'm very proud of that fact.

The teacher says, If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one.

Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted, but when she was done there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.

Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again.

She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt.and said no wonder you won miss you've got a Double-Barrel.

byrner88

My wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow.
I said, "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?"
"What, in case I **** myself?" She replied.
"No." I said, "In case your main chute doesn't ****ing open."