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Has he lost interest?

Sugarloaf12345

I have been seeing a guy for two months now and we meet up on average about 1-3 times per week. I stayed over at his Tuesday night and before I left Wednesday morning I asked if he was going drinking with mates this weekend. He said no and asked me I said no. He then said if his mates were doing something non alcohol related he would join them but didn’t want to do anything alcohol related. One of these mates is recently single after a bad break up. I asked if he wanted to do something with me if he wasn’t with them and he said yea and i told him to let me know he said he would. But I haven’t heard from him since. Should I take it he doesn’t want to meet or he would have text?

I don’t want to text him first as I have text him first and asked him to meet the last two times and I want to see if he’s interested in his own. But I’m worried he may be slow fading me which I am terrified of as I have been ghosted twice before and It hurt me a lot. I hate not knowing and not hearing from him. Does it appear as if he’s loosing interest and starting to "slow fade"? What should I do?

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LegacyUser

This way lies madness OP

Take a step back here for a second and think - would you treat someone you liked this way? What way would you have to feel about someone to treat them the way he’s treating you now?

I’m seeing a lad a few months now & while it’s long distance & we only see each other for a weekend every two weeks, we talk every day. He has the next date nailed down within 24 hours of me landing home. I’ve been in your situation before this guy, and while not as bad it nearly drove me insane - I never actually knew for sure when I was going to see him so I’d end up sitting around waiting just in case he was free. When we split I didn’t miss him because what was there to miss exactly.

Someone who genuinely liked you wouldn’t leave you hanging, they really wouldn’t.

gmisk

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

I was prepared for him and kind of hoped he would tell me hes not interested when i asked him to meet. at least i would know then. whatever about ghosting and not replying, what hes doing now by leading me on telling me we can potentially meet this day etc is way worse. its giving me mixed signals and keeping me there by a thread. Sometimes its hard to know if hes genuine or playing me. either way im starting to get mad and frustrated as its not fair and is a bit disrespectful. He's the one that suggested meeting wednesday if the lads bailed and then doesnt reply and let me know either way. FFS Im not taking s*** from him anymore, 30 secs to say sorry going with the lads is respect and courtesy i deserve

On Wednesday you were a backup plan and that suited him. He isn't fussed be honest you know yourself, some people just don't like the idea of an argument.
I honestly don't think you can describe his behaviour as mixed, he is not interested.

Sephiroth_dude

Don't be anyone's second choice, walk away.

Sugarloaf12345

gmisk wrote: »

On Wednesday you were a backup plan and that suited him. He isn't fussed be honest you know yourself, some people just don't like the idea of an argument.
I honestly don't think you can describe his behaviour as mixed, he is not interested.

If he's not interested I understand. Nevertheless, he should not be treating me this way if he isnt. Instead of telling me maybe Wednesday he should just come straight out and say it. There would be no argument and even so, its about having respect and doing the right thing

Telly

You just said he had an important exam today. It’s no wonder he wasn’t making plans with you or replying if this is true. Seems like you’re the one working yourself up here not him. Why would you think you’re more important than an exam when you’ve only been seeing each other a while?

[Deleted User]

You were second choice on Wednesday, if his other plans fell through.
Just move on & find someone where you will be their first choice.

Flippyfloppy

Telly wrote: »

You just said he had an important exam today. It’s no wonder he wasn’t making plans with you or replying if this is true. Seems like you’re the one working yourself up here not him. Why would you think you’re more important than an exam when you’ve only been seeing each other a while?

The exam (removed incorrect info)

OP, he actually thinks that you want to meet up with him so much that you will wait around in case his plans fall through!! The cheek. In future, don't ever go along with the suggestion of being somebodies back up plan. And yes, he should have text you, he's showing you what he is.

Sugarloaf12345

Telly wrote: »

You just said he had an important exam today. It’s no wonder he wasn’t making plans with you or replying if this is true. Seems like you’re the one working yourself up here not him. Why would you think you’re more important than an exam when you’ve only been seeing each other a while?

Not at all I do not think im more important. however the exam is over now its 5pm in the day and still nothing to confirm or deny, yay or nay for tonight after saying we could meet if the guys cancelled.

He had all day yesterday and all day today, exam aside it only takes 30secs and he has been online. He gets a tea break and lunch im sure its not as if hes head is stuck in the books all day

Sugarloaf12345

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

The exam was yesterday, Tuesday.

OP, he actually thinks that you want to meet up with him so much that you will wait around in case his plans fall through!! The cheek. In future, don't ever go along with the suggestion of being somebodies back up plan. And yes, he should have text you, he's showing you what he is.

Exam was Wednesday but he didnt reply all day yest or today. I know study is number one but 30secs to reply while the kettle is boiling wouldnt harm him. I even text again this evening to see if he's going with them or not as I felt I wanted confirmation and again no reply. I am conscious this may look needy/desperate/clingy/pushy etc but I just wanted to know for sure. Nothing worse than been left in limbo im sure you guys can relate and empathise

Idle Passerby

From the very beginning of this thread it was obvious he wasn't that interested. The fact you keep circling back to him and second guessing his every minor action (or complete lack thereof) suggests you are more interested in the intrigue than anything else.

He's not going to give you a straight answer, why would he when this way he has you hanging on his every half-assed text. If you want to be rid of the drama just cut him off, if you are enjoying all the headwrecking back and forth, best of luck because that's all you'll ever get from this guy.

Telly

But that’s the thing, he’s probably thinking he can’t text you cause he was studying for fear it would turn into a long text conversation so didn’t bother as he didn’t have time with his head in the books. And now the exam is over he might have gone off for drinks with others who did the exam

Sugarloaf12345

Idle Passerby wrote: »

From the very beginning of this thread it was obvious he wasn't that interested..

I know that now. But it doesnt excuse him from being a d*** and leading me on

tara73

jesus, 70 posts now in which roughly every second post is telling you the same: he's not romantically interested in you !!

and even worse: from all you write he's just using you for his sexual needs! keeping you in line just with minimum contact with a bit of text replying.

whenever he feels like having sex he's opening a few drawers to see which girl in them are available. Yes, I would bet my house on there are more than only you in line.

And you are still fretting over why he's not clearly telling you he's not (romantically) interested. He has no interest in letting you know, see reasons above.

I hope for you you will delete his number, and not contacting him anymore. But I'm sure at some stage he will contact you (for reasons see above..). And I also hope you will tell him then where to go!

zapper55

I dont think he's leading you on, if anything he obviously couldn't be arsed. You could say he's being a coward in not saying anything but probably hoped his wishy washy communication would give the hint. I suspect he doesnt want the drama of saying it's over for you to come back and ask why etc.

Is it the way people should behave? Nope. But you cannot control other people's behaviour, only your own. You are acting like a door mat here.

Yellow pack crisps

Show some respect for yourself! He is blatantly not interested and you keep hanging on, you’re even waiting for him to put you out of your misery! Wtf. Cut the cord and move on! It Doesn’t matter if he is playing you or not, you are accepting behavior you don’t like! Walk away even if he doesn’t want to, these things don’t get better. If I wanted and was mad to see a woman I’d be moving stuff around to do so, if I was he genuinely busy I would communicate this and reassure her that it’s not because I don’t want to see her, it’s called being interested and respectful

Sugarloaf12345

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Show some respect for yourself! He is blatantly not interested and you keep hanging on, you’re even waiting for him to put you out of your misery! Wtf. Cut the cord and move on! It Doesn’t matter if he is playing you or not, you are accepting behavior you don’t like! Walk away even if he doesn’t want to, these things don’t get better. If I wanted and was mad to see a woman I’d be moving stuff around to do so, if I was he genuinely busy I would communicate this and reassure her that it’s not because I don’t want to see her, it’s called being interested and respectful

Its still not a nice way to treat someone

Telly

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

Its still not a nice way to treat someone

Ideally what do you want to happen now?

Sugarloaf12345

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Show some respect for yourself! He is blatantly not interested and you keep hanging on, you’re even waiting for him to put you out of your misery! Wtf.

Thats a bit harsh of a comment. I didnt do anything wrong and to be fair he did say we could potentially meet today. I just text to see what the story was and now I have no respect for myself?

Sofiztikated

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

Thats a bit harsh of a comment. I didnt do anything wrong and to be fair he did say we could potentially meet today. I just text to see what the story was and now I have no respect for myself?

Have you tried ringing him and maybe talking to him?

Sugarloaf12345

Sofiztikated wrote: »

Have you tried ringing him and maybe talking to him?

He didnt reply to my text Monday and he didnt reply this evening I cant really go ringing him now. We also never really communicated by phone texting was our primary contact

Yellow pack crisps

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

Its still not a nice way to treat someone

My advice is meant with the best possible intentions. Best of luck anyway.

GingerLily

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

He didnt reply to my text Monday and he didnt reply this evening I cant really go ringing him now. We also never really communicated by phone texting was our primary contact

Maybe just leave it and keep some of it dignity?

Sugarloaf12345

GingerLily wrote: »

Maybe just leave it and keep some of it dignity?

I have left it. I am not going to contact anymore.

I feel like you are all coming down on me like a ton of bricks this evening. I took advice from this thread a few days ago to text and ask and then I would have my answer which I did. Then I get a 50/50 answer, send one more message to follow up and when i get no reply suddenly I have no respect or dignity for myself.

Whatever you guys say or think about the way I have handled things, I am still human and upset at this moment in time. From my perspective he appeared normal and interested and I simplied follow through. I didnt expect to get treated so coldly this evening. Put yourself in my shoes.. if someone you were interested in or even a friend told you they may be able to meet you today, you text to follow up and they see your message and dont reply how would you feel? Its not a very nice feeling and its not a very nice way to treat someone either.

Yellow pack crisps

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

I have left it. I am not going to contact anymore.

I feel like you are all coming down on me like a ton of bricks this evening. I took advice from this thread a few days ago to text and ask and then I would have my answer which I did. Then I get a 50/50 answer, send one more message to follow up and when i get no reply suddenly I have no respect or dignity for myself.

Whatever you guys say or think about the way I have handled things, I am still human and upset at this moment in time. From my perspective he appeared normal and interested and I simplied follow through. I didnt expect to get treated so coldly this evening. Put yourself in my shoes.. if someone you were interested in or even a friend told you they may be able to meet you today, you text to follow up and they see your message and dont reply how would you feel? Its not a very nice feeling and its not a very nice way to treat someone either.

We’re on your side! I’m sorry if my post was harsh, it wasn’t meant to be harsh to you, he is messing you around and you seem lovely and not deserving of this treatment. I just think you are worth more than this and you deserve someone who gives the same amount a you. Sometimes we need other people to point out things we sometimes refuse to see ourselves, I hope you meet someone special in the future and no longer put up with nonesense behaviour like this.

bottlebrush

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

Its still not a nice way to treat someone

No its not and you can't control another person's behaviour only your own reaction to it. you were to be an option for him tonight, or so he says, if he didn't meet the guys which was weather permitting. he's not interested in you enough to let you know if his plans with them are going ahead. he knows well by now that you are in to him he has your number so the ball is in his court.

LegacyUser

I don't understand why you keep saying why can't he just tell you he's not interested, he has been. All along his behaviour and lack of investment shows a guy who just really isn't all that bothered. Stop trying to figure him out, stop wondering why. Just do yourself a favour and accept that some people are sh*ts and move on. Yes, it is di*kish behaviour but why would you want to engage with someone who treats you like that?

I've been in your shoes. The second guessing, the texting and agonising over the texting, seeing he was online but not bothering to reply to me, saying he wanted to meet but then something would always come up and we couldn't. I wasted a lot of time on someone who was only giving me the bare minimum and feeding me just enough to keep me as the backup plan. Unsurprisingly, when I stopped contacting him I didn't hear from him. Not until about a year later when he was bored/lonely/horny. I politely told him to f*uck off.

These people tend to crawl back out of the woodwork a few months/years later and why wouldn't they? You accepted the bad behaviour for so long they probably think you will again.

Do NOT message him again and ignore him if he messages you. He's only wasting your time. And you are wasting yours.

The poster who told you to get some self-respect was right, because when you respect yourself you don't tolerate crumbs and bulls*it behaviour.

Sugarloaf12345

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

We’re on your side! I’m sorry if my post was harsh, it wasn’t meant to be harsh to you, he is messing you around and you seem lovely and not deserving of this treatment. I just think you are worth more than this and you deserve someone who gives the same amount a you. Sometimes we need other people to point out things we sometimes refuse to see ourselves, I hope you meet someone special in the future and no longer put up with nonesense behaviour like this.

Thank you. I feel so disrespected and so s*** that I wasn’t even worth a reply to say yes or no. Makes me feel so bad about myself that someone couldn’t even recognise that value in me. I feel so used and degraded

ginandtonicsky

Ah feck it OP, he’s just a flake with no interest in being honest and compassionate towards you. Nothing to do with you - he’s just one lad in a sea of lads and not someone you could ever be happy with.

Dating is a tough business that you have to take with a pinch of salt and a sense of humour and you have to see it in a lighthearted sense to get out of it with your self esteem in tact. See these dickish behaviours as the gift of red flags that a guy isn’t right for you and dinner party fodder for years to come! “Remember all those eejits I met online back in my single days!” That show you’ll be talking about him and other wishy washy men you meet in many years when your life falls into place, as it does for the vast majority of it.

What helps me with dating and with life in general is to frame everything under the question- “will this matter in five years time? What about ten years?” In your case, you’ll probably not even remember his name, so block his number, take back your power and move onto bigger and better things/men x

ginandtonicsky

Things men will do when they’re interested:
- Communicate regularly and not leave you hanging
- Line up the next date ASAP, ideally during their current date with you
- Apologise profusely and give a solid reason if they’ve ever dropped off the radar for any length of time

Things men won’t do if they’re interested:
- Flake / ghost
- Be vague and give half responses and half commitments
- Line you up as a backup to their more important plans

Apply these guidelines, walk away if you see any behaviours from column B and you’ll save yourself a hell of a lot of time and drama in your dating life.

Don’t let emotions get in the way. Don’t let the fact of you fancying him and feeling a connection during your dates get in the way. That part is easy, we’re all on our best behaviour when we’re sat across from someone in a dating scenario, dressed up to the nines and the beer flowing.

Judge on actions, not words. No happy, healthy relationship emerges with this kind of behaviour present just a few months in.

Accept the rejection here, clock it down to another time waster and valuable lesson learned and practise a bit of compassion and self care with yourself now, including blocking this fella and taking back control here.