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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

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h7nlrp2v0g5u48

What’s wrong, Bubba? asked the priest.

I need you to pray for my hearing, said Bubba.

The priest put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, So how’s your hearing now?

I don’t know, said Bubba. It isn’t until next Tuesday.

When my husband, James Rowles, was in the seminary, he was invited to preach at a small rural church. However, the man who was to introduce him to the congregation had trouble pronouncing his name. So James offered this verbal clue: Remember rolls, like hot buttered rolls.
It worked. When it came time for the introduction, the man announced, We are pleased to have with us the Reverend James Biscuits.

Eyve's Online Dateing Profile

Eve

Sex: Female

Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented, but I don’t look a minute over ten minutes old

Location: Over by some ferns

Height: A tall vine

Weight: A bunch of sticks

Body Type: Only female type there is

Favorite music: Birds

Favorite movies: Birds

Favorite food: Birds

Hobbies: Being tempted, birds

Profession: Woman

Personality: Very easily tempted

Turn-ons: Adam, birds

Income level: A handful of beautiful sticks

Looking for: The only other person in existence

Suckit

I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters..

.. Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Before beginning the service, our priest read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning, he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.

A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, Jesus is watching you. Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, Jesus is watching you.This time, he sees a parrot.

Who are you? the burglar asks.

Moses, the bird replied.

Who the heck would name a bird Moses?" the man laughed.

I dunno, Moses answered, I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

jimgoose

After years of careful study of ancient Coptic texts, theologians have recently concluded that Noah built a second boat. It was huge, featuring several separate decks, and filled exclusively with Koi fish.

It was a multi-storey Carp Ark.

seagull

Life is like ....

A ball hair on a urinal.

Sooner or later, you get pissed off.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Religion is generally a forbidding topic for everyone at work, except for Harry. Recently, after he started yet another conversation toward the subject, a coworker whispered to me, That Harry, he always has to get his two saints in.

Mick was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular dating website. The ad said, simply:Wife wanted.

He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing: You can have mine.

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?

She answered, I do.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A guy walks in to the bathroom to take leak after drinking a couple of pitchers of beer on St. Patrick's Day. When short after a real short guy wearing a leprechauns costume walks in to use the urinal next to him. For some reason the guy happens to glans over and sees this little guy has a huge cock. Out of curiosity the guy ask the leprechaun man how can I get my cock to grow that big. The leprechaun turns and says in a Irish voice, not to worry laddy I'm a leprechaun, I will grant you one wish If ya let me ram it in yur ass laddy. The guy replies, fu*k off I'm not gay. Never the less the leprechaun says your loss and starts to walk away. The guy being drunk turns around and says hold on, are you really a Leprechaun? The leprechaun reply's well you see me top hat don't ya and you see me green suit don't ya, and it's not even St. pattys day, what more proof do you need laddy. The guy stands there and thinks to himself he does have a point. So the guy after pondering for a while agrees, Ok man on one condition you can't tell anybody about this. Leprechaun replies not to worry laddy, besides who would believe me anyway. So here is this leprechaun going to town on this poor fella, when all of sudden he stops and ask the guy, By the way laddy , how old are you? The guy replies I'm 25yrs old , why do you ask?The short man replied now without the Irish accent, I'm just wondering why does a grown 25yr old man still believe in leprechauns?

TheBody

Did you hear about that French cheese factory that exploded?

There was nothing left but de brie.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

At what time do most people go to the dentist? At tooth-hurty (2:30).

What is a dentist's office? A filling station.

What did the dentist say to the computer? This won't hurt a byte.

Why did the cheerleader go to the dentist? She needed a root canal.

Why did the king go to the dentist? To get a new crown.

Why did the deer need braces? He had buck teeth. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie.

An orthodontist gets to the root of the problem.

A good dentist is a little picky, a great dentist never gets on your nerves.

Capt'n Midnight

They say the pain during childbirth is so great that a woman can almost imagine what man flu feels like.

Capt'n Midnight

Roman numerals?

Not on my watch.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his tummy. Ha she says that’s not going to help.

Sure, it will he replied. It’s the only way I can see the numbers.

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he moaned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what? What dear, she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.I think you're bad luck.

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

.....I think you're a fukin jinx

is a better punchline

everlast75

Looking forward to getting hold of Macaulay Culkin's new fragrance "Eau Malone"...

razorblunt

Two teenagers turn up for Confession, the first fella walks in.
"Bless me father for I have sinned, I've been sleeping with a girl who's a bit mad for the sex, anyone, anytime, anywhere, Father."
- "Ok' says the Father, 'your will is weak, but tell me was it Mrs Murphy in the shop?"
"No, Father"
- "Gerry Thompson's daughter?"
"No, Father"
-"The blonde girl in the big house on the hill?"
"No, father"
- Well, it must be someone new in town"
The priest tells him his penance and out he goes.

His buddy, Martin, is waiting outside.
"What did you get?" He asks
- "7 Hail Marys, an Our Father, €5 to the collection plate and 3 solid leads".

chewed

Did you hear about the law court fetishist?

He got off on a technicality.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his sniffer dog.The plane takes off and the Marshall says, Sniffer dog search.The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.

Good boy says the Marshall.

What happened? asks the man.

That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.

Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm.

That man is carrying cocaine, the Marshall explains.

The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and shi*ts all over it.

What’s going on? demands the man.

The Marshall nervously replies, He just found a bomb.

byrner88

Me and my mate were fishing just off the Australian coast, when suddenly there was a crash and the boat stopped. My friend turned and said "I think we've hit something"

I looked over the side and said "Great Barry, a reef"

Capt'n Midnight

I always thought my parents were overprotective, watching me cross the road every time I went out.

But then I found out about the bet...

Ted_YNWA

Q: How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

.red.

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

Q: How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

So how many does it take? 2? 3? 100?

New Home

That's new jobs being created right there!

Capt'n Midnight

I just hate when you're sending a text, and you're so rudely interrupted by a stupid jogger, bouncing off your windscreen.

Temptamperu

What did the buddist Monk say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

Capt'n Midnight

Temptamperu wrote: »

What did the buddist Monk say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

And then he asked the vendor for change from the €20 he'd handed over.

Only to be told "but change comes from within"

Capt'n Midnight

When I see a field of wild flowers I can't resist skipping through it.

I have a gambolling problem.

TheBody

I slept with my best mates wife last night and now I feel terrible,.... she must have given me a cold or something!!!

Capt'n Midnight

.red. wrote: »

So how many does it take? 2? 3? 100?

We won't know the outcome for another 50 years.

Capt'n Midnight

I got one of those anti bullying wrist bands today. Nicked it off some little fat ginger with glasses on.

RhubarbCrumble

Capt'n Midnight, you're on fire tonight