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How do I get this girl to ignore me

Mailcoachinn

I work with a girl who is very friendly and outgoing. She always says something along the lines of “thanks so much for doing that for me”, after doing something very trivial which is usually followed by a pat on the back which quite frankly makes my blood boil. She always invites me to after work drinks and things like that. When I pass her in the corridors she always stops and asks me how I am. Somebody at work casually told me that “she’s your friend and she’s always looking out for you”.

I should be happy about that but I’m not. She is a good person. I’m not.

I really would prefer if she wasn’t nice to me. Like only spoke to me when she wanted something, and apart from that walk straight past me without acknowledging me.

Yes, I know that something is seriously wrong with me.

How do I get her to stop behaving the way she does without causing offense?

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ManOfMystery

OP, I think a little perspective is called for here.

Asides from the pat on the back - which I admit I would also find a bit condescending and too touchy-feely - she's done nothing other than be polite, try and include you, and try and act as a friendly colleague should. I don't find any of her behaviour overbearing at all.

Now try and imagine yourself in the position of many people who have posted here in PI with work colleagues who exist at the other end of the spectrum; backstabbing, rude, obnoxious, manipulative, deceitful, and worse. There have been many people who have found themselves stressed, unable to sleep, even suicidal because of extremely negative issues at work.

I'm not saying for one minute that from your viewpoint, your issue is any less valid. What I am saying is that I find your reaction to their behaviour slightly skewered and lacking perspective, and it may benefit you greatly to talk to a counsellor and find out why seemingly normal, mundane and friendly work interaction provokes a feeling of anger. I dread to think how a more extreme scenario - as per examples above - would play out for you.

Plopsu

OP, do you have issues generally with being touched? If so, you could explain that to her. She sounds like she would understand.
Also, have you ever been tested for Aspergers?

Emme

OP some people aren't comfortable when other people are touchy feely. I am like that. People usually sense that and keep their distance. If not I say politely "I'd rather you didn't pat my back/touch my arm/hug me so tight etc."

If you don't want to accept her invitations politely refuse. Say you're not into whatever it is she asks you to join. You can't make her ignore you but you can politely tell her to back off. Or just give short but polite answers when she asks how you are. Overtly "nice" chatty people drive me mad because often they're quite needy underneath it all. Genuine people don't need to slobber over everyone like a labrador puppy.

You say you're not a nice person. That's fine but it doesn't mean you have to be rude. Even the devil can be a perfect gentleman when he wants!

Mailcoachinn

Plopsu wrote: »

OP, do you have issues generally with being touched? If so, you could explain that to her. She sounds like she would understand.
Also, have you ever been tested for Aspergers?

Sometimes I have issues with being touched. Read the other thread about where a drunk girl groped me and I fckued her out of it.

I could well be somewhere on the autistic spectrum

Mailcoachinn

Emme wrote: »

OP some people aren't comfortable when other people are touchy feely. I am like that. People usually sense that and keep their distance. If not I say politely "I'd rather you didn't pat my back/touch my arm/hug me so tight etc."

If you don't want to accept her invitations politely refuse. Say you're not into whatever it is she asks you to join. You can't make her ignore you but you can politely tell her to back off. Or just give short but polite answers when she asks how you are. Overtly "nice" chatty people drive me mad because often they're quite needy underneath it all. Genuine people don't need to slobber over everyone like a labrador puppy.

You say you're not a nice person. That's fine but it doesn't mean you have to be rude. Even the devil can be a perfect gentleman when he wants!

As I said, I have decided that I will give her a chance and just let her be nice

December2012

Mailcoachinn wrote: »

Sometimes I have issues with being touched. Read the other thread about where a drunk girl groped me and I fckued her out of it.

I could well be somewhere on the autistic spectrum

If you want to speak to a Dr about being on the spectrum you should, but please don't think there is anything wrong with getting very annoyed or pissed off at being groped.

Mailcoachinn

December2012 wrote: »

If you want to speak to a Dr about being on the spectrum you should, but please don't think there is anything wrong with getting very annoyed or pissed off at being groped.

To be honest I don’t see how speaking to a doctor will make much of a difference, unless said doctor also has a degree in psychology. I might ask my sister who is well qualified in the field of the latter.

Yeh that girl who groped me was a stupid fool. People looked at me odd because of how I reacted but she found another victim almost immediately.

Anyway, the co worker that I was referring to originally isn’t that type of individual.

Like I said she’s a good person. I could never imagine being mean nasty to her (even though I have done something similar before to other people). I don’t know if I would still prefer if she treated me like an irrelevance, but for now I’m going to just try and get along with her

Malayalam

You don't need to see a doctor if you don't like being touched by relative strangers. Or even if you are a bit autistic, who cares, loads of people are somewhere along the spectrum and are perfectly fine without it being made into an issue.

There are also many people who hate random touching in the work place. Or fecking anywhere for that matter. Bus, supermarket, bank - keep yer feckn mitts to yourself, people! There is a guy at my husbands workplace who always puts his hand on the small of people's back when he is passing them, or to announce his presence, and my husband says he is going to deck him one of these days. Others say the same.

I don't know exactly what I would do in that situation. I wouldn't like it either if that's any help. I'd probably on purpose react quite oddly or unexpectedly to put her off, say something strange, or ..yeah, just let your weird out a bit more, so they back off

Don't be afraid to quietly but determinedly be yourself.

Paddy Cow

Mailcoachinn wrote: »

Anyway, the co worker that I was referring to originally isn’t that type of individual.

Like I said she’s a good person. I could never imagine being mean nasty to her (even though I have done something similar before to other people). I don’t know if I would still prefer if she treated me like an irrelevance, but for now I’m going to just try and get along with her

"Good" and "nice" people can still be a pain in the hole. It sounds like she has noticed that you keep to yourself and she is going out of her way to include you. That comes across great on paper but if someone is an introvert, it is a nightmare. You don't like to be touched or to be super social. That does not make you a bad person. Not everyone wants to be BFF's with work colleagues and there is nothing wrong with that. If your colleague was perceptive, she would pick up on your boundaries and respect them. She hasn't though. She is trying to "fix" you by being overly attentive, which personally I would find overbearing and claustrophobic.

sporina

Mailcoachinn wrote: »

To be honest I don’t see how speaking to a doctor will make much of a difference, unless said doctor also has a degree in psychology. I might ask my sister who is well qualified in the field of the latter.

Yeh that girl who groped me was a stupid fool. People looked at me odd because of how I reacted but she found another victim almost immediately.

Anyway, the co worker that I was referring to originally isn’t that type of individual.

Like I said she’s a good person. I could never imagine being mean nasty to her (even though I have done something similar before to other people). I don’t know if I would still prefer if she treated me like an irrelevance, but for now I’m going to just try and get along with her

you cannot be mean to her no matter what - this is your issue - not hers.. she possibly senses how you feel about yourself and is trying to make you feel better... have you considered therapy? i assume that something has happened in your life for you to feel this way

Mailcoachinn

sporina wrote: »

you cannot be mean to her no matter what - this is your issue - not hers.. she possibly senses how you feel about yourself and is trying to make you feel better... have you considered therapy? i assume that something has happened in your life for you to feel this way

There is no way that I could ever be mean to her. I’m going to try and be her friend back

seannash

Ah here, some of the advice her is very over the top.
I'm a great guy, no seriously I am. I'm funny, people like me, want to hang out with me and I'm confident in social situations.
Then I go to work.... And everyone is nice. It doesn't mean that I like interacting with them though. If I met them once or twice id say "that person is a very nice person" but I do not want to talk to this person everyday.
I hate small talk! Hate talking for the sake of it.
So i do what every normal person does, avoid getting in lifts with them, sit fumbling in my car in the company car park until they walk on, don't go to the kitchen in work when they are there and as someone else suggested I keep walking and talking, always friendly but always somewhere to go that doesn't involve me stopping to chat to them.

If I spy these people coming to my desk out of the corner of my eye I grab my mug of tea and get up, converse with them as I move towards the kitchen. If they follow I switch the kettle on and go to the toilet.

This is normal! The touching is a little OTT. Nobody I work with is touchy so I think you have a case for saying please don't touch me.
But everything else is totally normal. A lot of people I work With are exactly the same.
Now to answer your question on how to make it stop, it won't, so just avoid it, keep moving, look busy if they approach and accept that you may get caught every now and then.

orthsquel

Mailcoachinn wrote: »

As I said, I have decided that I will give her a chance and just let her be nice

Paddy Cow wrote: »

If your colleague was perceptive, she would pick up on your boundaries and respect them. She hasn't though. She is trying to "fix" you by being overly attentive, which personally I would find overbearing and claustrophobic.

If you want to give her a chance and just let her be nice, sure, but if she touches you e.g. your elbow, shoulder etc and you are uncomfortable with that tell her directly there and then in a calm manner.

I'd agree with all of what Paddy Cow says, especially the bit about respecting the boundaries. I generally chat to everyone at work, friendly with majority, some more than others, but when someone doesn't want to engage it's obvious to pick up on and best to leave them be until they choose to engage themselves. Even if that never happens, that's perfectly fine, but it shouldn't turn into some sort of conquest your colleague has to include you if you are choosing not to and she starts forcing that on you. She has to respect that boundary. Hopefully she does, and certainly you can still let her be nice, but not leaving you feeling discomfort.

Mailcoachinn

The person who I was talking about. I’m not going to be downright harsh to her. I have decided that I’m going to be friends with her.

As for other girls in the same workplace:

One of the student engineers took a liking to me. She described me as “very unthreatening”. She helped me from pub to taxi when I was very drunk. We still talk all the time.

Another girl tried to be friendly with me. But she was a very fake person. She didn’t really like traveling in a Ford Escort driven by someone who drives like a d1ck and spits on the floor of a pub, and who goes on holiday in Mountrath, Holyhead & Kilburn. I was going out of my way to be as unappealing to her as I could

BrokenArrows

Mailcoachinn wrote: »

I work with a girl who is very friendly and outgoing. She always says something along the lines of “thanks so much for doing that for me”, after doing something very trivial which is usually followed by a pat on the back which quite frankly makes my blood boil. She always invites me to after work drinks and things like that. When I pass her in the corridors she always stops and asks me how I am. Somebody at work casually told me that “she’s your friend and she’s always looking out for you”.

I should be happy about that but I’m not. She is a good person. I’m not.

I really would prefer if she wasn’t nice to me. Like only spoke to me when she wanted something, and apart from that walk straight past me without acknowledging me.

Yes, I know that something is seriously wrong with me.

How do I get her to stop behaving the way she does without causing offense?

I know exactly how you feel.
Had a guy at work who was nothing but nice but for some reason everything he did pissed me off no end for explainable reasons.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do unless you really want to do what the other poster said and "go big or go home".

blairbear

Mailcoachinn wrote: »

The person who I was talking about. I’m not going to be downright harsh to her. I have decided that I’m going to be friends with her.

As for other girls in the same workplace:

One of the student engineers took a liking to me. She described me as “very unthreatening”. She helped me from pub to taxi when I was very drunk. We still talk all the time.

Another girl tried to be friendly with me. But she was a very fake person. She didn’t really like traveling in a Ford Escort driven by someone who drives like a d1ck and spits on the floor of a pub, and who goes on holiday in Mountrath, Holyhead & Kilburn. I was going out of my way to be as unappealing to her as I could

Who WOULD like someone who "drives like a d**k" and spits inside, like an animal? That isn't her being fake; she took a disliking to a subsequently unpleasant person.

OP, I couldn't even begin to unpack all of your issues. You seem to have a lot of barely concealed aggressive thoughts towards woman. You need psychiatric help. Nobody here should be normalizing this.

Mailcoachinn

blairbear wrote: »

Who WOULD like someone who "drives like a d**k" and spits inside, like an animal? That isn't her being fake; she took a disliking to a subsequently unpleasant person.

OP, I couldn't even begin to unpack all of your issues. You seem to have a lot of barely concealed aggressive thoughts towards woman. You need psychiatric help. Nobody here should be normalizing this.

I behaved like a twat to deter someone whose fake personality stuck out my a mile. It worked. Result.

The other person and me get along very well.

Mailcoachinn

BrokenArrows wrote: »

I know exactly how you feel.
Had a guy at work who was nothing but nice but for some reason everything he did pissed me off no end for explainable reasons.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do unless you really want to do what the other poster said and "go big or go home".

I was working with her for most of yesterday and today. She was being her usual self. Very friendly. Always saying thanks for pretty basic stuff. Didn’t really feel that uncomfortable, just slightly odd. This may be something that I will get used to after a while

Paddy Cow

blairbear wrote: »

Who WOULD like someone who "drives like a d**k" and spits inside, like an animal? That isn't her being fake; she took a disliking to a subsequently unpleasant person.

OP, I couldn't even begin to unpack all of your issues. You seem to have a lot of barely concealed aggressive thoughts towards woman. You need psychiatric help. Nobody here should be normalizing this.

That seems unnecessarily harsh. The op admitted he behaved like a d!ck to get this individual to back off. He doesn't behave like that to every woman and I haven't got an aggressive vibe from his posts

He posted about being uncomfortable about one woman at work being overly friendly but has said numerous times that he doesn't want to do anything to hurt her.

Acting like an a$$hole once, doesn't make someone an aggressive psycho who needs psychiatric help. If the op really was a danger to women, he wouldn't be here looking for advice on how to get his nice co-worker to back off. He would just behave like a d!ck towards her.

There is a split here on the advice towards the op - some think she is just nice and he should be happy he has nice co-workers, others think she should respect his boundaries and accept he is a quiet person. No one on either side has thought the op has aggressive thoughts towards women. That is a serious thing to throw at someone. Completely uncalled for.

blairbear

Paddy Cow wrote: »

That seems unnecessarily harsh. The op admitted he behaved like a d!ck to get this individual to back off. He doesn't behave like that to every woman and I haven't got an aggressive vibe from his posts He posted about being uncomfortable about one woman at work being overly friendly but has said numerous times that he doesn't want to do anything to hurt her.

Acting like an a$$hole once, doesn't make someone an aggressive psycho who needs psychiatric help. If the op really was a danger to women, he wouldn't be here looking for advice on how to get his nice co-worker to back off. He would just behave like a d!ck towards her.

There is a split here on the advice towards the op - some think she is just nice and he should be happy he has nice co-workers, others think she should respect his boundaries and accept he is a quiet person. No one on either side has thought the op has aggressive thoughts towards women. That is a serious thing to throw at someone. Completely uncalled for.

I am not obliged to agree with either side. His anger at basic niceties reads as aggressive to me. Actions are who you are as a person; "acting like a d**k" doesn't mean you are a secretly lovely person who is nasty to someone as part of a harebrained idea to deter them from being pleasant.

Like I said, the OPs posts indicate anger simmering beneath the surface to me and that seems aggressive. I did not say that he had violent thoughts. The OP is very harsh in his assessment of others who like to show him interest so he is surely well able for a similar character analysis.

Mailcoachinn

blairbear wrote: »

I am not obliged to agree with either side. His anger at basic niceties reads as aggressive to me. Actions are who you are as a person; "acting like a d**k" doesn't mean you are a secretly lovely person who is nasty to someone as part of a harebrained idea to deter them from being pleasant.

Like I said, the OPs posts indicate anger simmering beneath the surface to me and that seems aggressive. I did not say that he had violent thoughts. The OP is very harsh in his assessment of others who like to show him interest so he is surely well able for a similar character analysis.

As I already mentioned, I’m not necessarily a nice person.

The person who I behaved like a trashy a55hole towards was someone who I would never have got along with anyway.

The person who took a liking to me I am still friends with.

The person who I posted about originally I know for a fact would never be unkind to me. So I will never be mean to her. I wanted her to ignore me, but that’s not going to be an option because we work together in the same division. Like I said it is odd the fact that she’s very nice to me but I’m going to just go along with it

Paddy Cow

blairbear wrote: »

I am not obliged to agree with either side. His anger at basic niceties reads as aggressive to me. Actions are who you are as a person; "acting like a d**k" doesn't mean you are a secretly lovely person who is nasty to someone as part of a harebrained idea to deter them from being pleasant.

You don't have to agree with either side, that is the nature of an advice forum. I will say again and I think people from both sides will agree with me, the op does not sound angry or aggressive. He is looking for advice.

blairbear wrote: »

Like I said, the OPs posts indicate anger simmering beneath the surface to me and that seems aggressive. I did not say that he had violent thoughts. The OP is very harsh in his assessment of others who like to show him interest so he is surely well able for a similar character analysis.

There is NO indication of anger or aggression in the op's posts. The op hasn't been overly harsh and even if he had, the mods in PI would shut that down in an instant. This is an advice forum. Someone posted here looking for advice. They were given very good advice. The only person not happy with this it you. You are trying to make out like the op is angry towards women and that is just not the case.

You honestly are ringing alarm bells like Roxanne in CBB. You are seeing aggression when there is none. The op does not come across as angry or aggressive in any way but you are painting him in that light. I'm going to bow out of this now because you and your spin on reality are not normal to me.

Pelvis

Paddy Cow wrote: »

That seems unnecessarily harsh. The op admitted he behaved like a d!ck to get this individual to back off. He doesn't behave like that to every woman and I haven't got an aggressive vibe from his posts

Driving dangerously and spitting on the floor... inside. Just to stop someone from being nice to him?

Someone who does that is completely detached from reality tbh.

OP, you need professional help.

Faith

I would agree that I see a number of red flags in the OP’s posts. I don’t necessarily see significant aggression or resentment, but I do see what I suspect is extraordinarily low self-esteem. I would hypothesise that the OP has such strong negative feelings towards themselves that they simply can’t bear anyone (or perhaps just women) being nice to them. It seems as though a woman being overtly friendly was enough to cause the OP significant distress, which is a very unusual situation. It might typically be seen in someone with attachment difficulties. It could be understood as a ‘rejecting - rejected’ relationship.

For women the OP perceives as being unkind or unpleasant, he anticipates that they will reject him quickly, so he goes out of his way to reject them first.

When a woman is very nice to him, it may set up anticipatory anxiety such as “Why is she still being nice to me? What’s her game here? I know she’ll reject me sooner or later” and so he experiences distress and anxiety waiting for this expected rejection.

I say this because it’s clealry a pattern of behaviour, not a one-off dislike of an individual.

I would suggest that engagement with psychological services might be helpful, OP, but at the end of the day, it would only be helpful if you think your feelings and behaviours are problematic and you’d like to change.

Mailcoachinn

Faith wrote: »

When a woman is very nice to him, it may set up anticipatory anxiety such as “Why is she still being nice to me? What’s her game here? I know she’ll reject me sooner or later” and so he experiences distress and anxiety waiting for this expected rejection.

Just today I said something mid-conversation which for some reason or other made her laugh. I can’t remember what exactly I said but it definitely wasn’t intentionally funny. I just started nervously laughing along, seconds later both of us are in stitches.

I’m still sniggering thinking about it, but more of in a “what the fcuk was that???” sense of things

Big Bag of Chips

Sounds like there's a little spark between the two of you.
Enjoy it, OP. Relax, go with the flow and see what happens.

Mailcoachinn

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Sounds like there's a little spark between the two of you.
Enjoy it, OP. Relax, go with the flow and see what happens.

Nothing will happen. We will be friends. Possibly very good friends. But no further.

sporina

Mailcoachinn wrote: »

Nothing will happen. We will be friends. Possibly very good friends. But no further.

in any event, don't you think you need some help? like counseling? psychotherapy? or the like? life is too short - cliche i know, but so true.

Mailcoachinn

sporina wrote: »

in any event, don't you think you need some help? like counseling? psychotherapy? or the like? life is too short - cliche i know, but so true.

I have done counseling for anxiety (well, self-diagnosed). I did get good relief out of it. It wasn’t cheap but it helped me to some extent

sporina

Mailcoachinn wrote: »

I have done counseling for anxiety (well, self-diagnosed). I did get good relief out of it. It wasn’t cheap but it helped me to some extent

great - maybe a psychotherapist would be helpful for you

a good one - accredited etc - will cost you but would be worth it