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Red Flag?

LegacyUser

If the person you're dating resorts to name calling (for example, snapping at you and calling you an idiot) if you pick something up wrong, is that a red flag? Or just ordinary, run of the mill, "having a bad day" type of behavior?

It's not the first time it's happened, I was accused (in the wrong) of being a liar a couple of months back too. I let that go though.

I am worried it will become a habit though. I'm also considering that I might be blowing it out of proportion. Everything else so far has been going fine and we've known one another for about 4 months and have been dating for two months.

Any guidance is appreciated.

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Springfields

falconCC wrote: »

It wasn't said in a condescending manner. He snapped at me, his tone was angry considering how ordinary conversation had been previous to that. It was odd and out of character, and that's why I was taken by surprise. Even in my response I was more taken a back and confused than angry over being called an idiot out of nowhere.

I thought he'd apologise, instead he feigned ignorance as if nothing had happened and went back to his usual self. Clearly strange behavior, but usually he's on form and charming etc.

He can be quite heated at times in his views, but around his friends/ family he seems fairly normal. Having said that I know the man a few months. I'm only in the discovery phase.

End it..

If he is calling you an idiot after a couple of months I would be calling it a day...why would you want to put up with that type of behavior a second longer that you have to. It is not normal. It is a big red flag !

Bunny Colvin

I don't think it's as normal as some make out. Being a bit off form, stressed out or being in a bad mood is normal from time to time but calling someone an idiot or liar isn't. I'd be wary enough if that continues.

.......

Yes, major red flag.

There is absolutely no need to resort to calling someone names to make your point. If you have to resort to calling someone names then you probably need to address your own conflict resolution skills and learn how to effectively communicate your feelings in a non aggressive manner.

2 months dating and you have been called a liar and an idiot. And just moving on like nothing happened? Not worth it.

Fakediamond

Some years ago I attended a talk given by a man who has worked with domestic abusers for 30 years. He told us that the first time that you are blamed in the wrong for something, run like hell in the opposite direction. He was talking about the early days in a relationship and how you can begin to recognise the signs that you are being groomed for future abuse.

I would strongly agree with other posters that the failure to acknowledge the behaviour and to apologize for being an a$$hole is another big red flag. We can all have bad days and be unreasonable, but can usually reflect afterwards and say sorry for being a jerk.

dudara

@professore - you know the drill by now. If you have an issue with a post, report it. Do not call it out on thread.

dudara

professore

Without knowing what he/she actually said before being called a liar, its difficult to know. If what was said could have been interpreted as a brazen lie and an insult to the intelligence then maybe being called an idiot is appropriate.

On another note I've been called out rightly and yellow carded on using gendered language on here. I think some of the other posters jumping to conclusions should receive similar sanctions.

wylo

My apologies , I completely missed the second post!!

messy tessy

From the OP...

falconCC wrote: »

It wasn't said in a condescending manner. He snapped at me, his tone was angry considering...

I thought he'd apologise, instead he feigned ignorance as if nothing had happened and went back to his usual self. Clearly strange behavior, but usually he's on form and charming etc.

He can be quite heated at times in his views, but around his friends/ family he seems fairly normal. Having said that I know the man a few months. I'm only in the discovery phase.

wylo

Ive no idea why, but am I only the one who is imagining that the OP is a bloke talking about a girl (for no reason whatsoever)? Everyone is saying "him", "he".

Katgurl

The absolute cheek of him!

I am trying to think of a single situation where someone has outright called me an idiot or a liar and drawing a blank. I would not tolerate it, no way.

For me, it would be done. But as your feeling are clearly not so strong then at the very least sit down and tell him it is not on. If he apologizes, give him a chance. If he brushes off your concerns, then walk, seriously.

Idle Passerby

What other people find acceptable in a relationship isn't relevant to your situation. Some couples will happily verbally abuse each other and think nothing of it whereas to others a raised voice might be a deal breaker. You need to decide for yourself what you are comfortable with. If you found his comments hurtful, you are perfectly entitled not to accept that. Let your partner know where your boundaries are and if they ignore them, you know you have an issue.

valoren

That he has verbally abused you is a chink in the armor. To be called an idiot and a liar early days is incredibly insulting to you but to compound that by arrogantly feigning ignorance is a red flag. Monitor it and if it happens again call him out and press him for an explanation if he resorts to feigning ignorance again.

osarusan

People have different perspectives on just how strong or damaging these words/insults can be, and will react accordingly.

Some people throw things out fairly casually, and as a result, are often not too bothered if the same insults are thrown their way too.

OP, maybe you are somebody who would never throw out insults casually/carelessly, and if you did use these words, then they mean something serious. So, if these terms are aimed at you, you're probably going to react to them by thinking that the other person means what you would mean if you used them.

Talk to your partner and explain that even if they just tend to throw them around casually, and don't mean too much by them, these are words you take seriously, and it's not acceptable for them to use those terms.

Then they know how you feel, and how they behave after that will tell you a lot.

Unanimous

Major Red Flag!

I would advise you to call them to a meeting and inform them that you don't feel good about it and that it should not repeat itself again.

I they can't handle that then you have your answer there.

Why be in a relationship with someone who doesn't think you are awesome but thinks you are a dingbat?

I smell longterm abuse if you don't put an end to this.

You don't want to be the stupid partner

leggo

I'd tell everyone I know to **** off at some stage, not meant as in "Please go away forever", it's more just how I say "Shut up." When I get in a heated argument, I can throw out the odd basic insult, but again in the same tone rather than berating them or saying really personal, heated things. Even then I've tried to work on that and be more like "Don't be an idiot" rather than "You are an idiot." Ideally, I don't want to argue at all and have gotten good at managing situations so a disagreement becomes a mature conversation, but it happens sometimes even if it's not nice. That'd just be how I argue though: I'd be direct and tell you what I thought in the moment rather than throw digs or get passive aggressive with undermining comments, which for me is much worse. Everyone is different though.

Having said that, there's definitely a line. If someone says deliberate, personal comments designed to knock you, that's where it enters red flag territory for me. I had an ex who used the word "pathetic" constantly, even if we disagreed over what food to order she'd go automatically there. That kind of stuff is more on the abusive end of the scale because then they're attempting to erode someone's self-esteem, whether they mean to or not, and it'll work too if you put up with it.

So it's up to you OP to contextualise the comments and decide for yourself. I think it's healthy for everyone in general to use incidents like this as a time to examine what you do/don't find acceptable, remembering that you have to also weigh that against what you do yourself and how you handle things, i.e. if it's not acceptable for them, it's not acceptable for you to do either. Arguing is, as with everything else, a compatibility issue. I could be happy with someone who told me to "**** off" in the heat of the moment because that's nothing to me, but couldn't be with someone who threw personal, passive aggressive digs. There's no right or wrong answer though. I know of people who will walk forever the second their partner says something derogatory to them, so it's not unheard of if that's what you're wondering.

orthsquel

falconCC wrote: »

I thought he'd apologise, instead he feigned ignorance as if nothing had happened and went back to his usual self.

This I'd be more concerned about. Being and behaving angrily when having an every day conversation is not normal behaviour. Ignoring and carrying on as if nothing happened would be a red flag imo, that it's all forgotten about and swept under the carpet, no matter what was said or what behaviour was exhibited. If he acted as though it didn't happen, that he denies saying those things, then red flag. If he didn't apologise, then he didn't see anything wrong with it, and most likely that is the norm for him..... but it's not necessarily the norm for everyone else. Has anything else happened that has made you question the behaviour?

wiggle16

Yes, its a red flag you should take seriously.

Someone who cannot regulate their behaviour enough to keep from calling you an idiot can't be expected to regulate their behaviour in other ways.

Or may not have enough respect for you to be inclined to regulate their behaviour at all.

I totally agree with Neyite but i think theres a better question to ask: reverse the roles, and in his/her shoes, would you treat your partner that way?

If something is said in temper during a row or the heat of the moment, it's one thing. What you've described is another. Personally, if it were me, he wouldn't get a chance to speak to me like that twice. Life is too short.

LegacyUser

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Yes, for me it would be a red flag. More especially so if said in a condescending manner. And yes, I believe it could escalate. Are they like this with friends and acquaintances?

I think you need to confront your partner and let them know it's not acceptable. How they react should tell you more...….

It wasn't said in a condescending manner. He snapped at me, his tone was angry considering how ordinary conversation had been previous to that. It was odd and out of character, and that's why I was taken by surprise. Even in my response I was more taken a back and confused than angry over being called an idiot out of nowhere.

I thought he'd apologise, instead he feigned ignorance as if nothing had happened and went back to his usual self. Clearly strange behavior, but usually he's on form and charming etc.

He can be quite heated at times in his views, but around his friends/ family he seems fairly normal. Having said that I know the man a few months. I'm only in the discovery phase.

Calypso Realm

Yes, for me it would be a red flag. More especially so if said in a condescending manner. And yes, I believe it could escalate. Are they like this with friends and acquaintances?

I think you need to confront your partner and let them know it's not acceptable. How they react should tell you more...….

sbsquarepants

Neyite wrote: »

You can argue without being called names. I'm 15 years with my partner and we've disagreed over the years as all couples do. But we've never yelled at each other, told each other to fcuk off, or called each other names.

If you can manage it with colleagues at work to keep disagreements civil, you can manage it at home.

Well fair play to you Neyite - I'm 13 years with mine and I don't think I've managed to go 13 days without either telling her, or being told by her, to fúck off!

I'm going to start counting from today:D

Neyite

You can argue without being called names. I'm 15 years with my partner and we've disagreed over the years as all couples do. But we've never yelled at each other, told each other to fcuk off, or called each other names.

If you can manage it with colleagues at work to keep disagreements civil, you can manage it at home.

sbsquarepants

Neyite wrote: »

A question to ask yourself is "would he talk to his CEO that way?" Of course he wouldn't. Because he'd get fired. But it's ok for him to speak to his new partner-someone who shares their life and their body with him like that? Massive red flag.

.

No. Sounds great as a sound bite, but it's an impossible standard to maintain.

Nobody can be expected to maintain some sort of deferential courtesy with their partner the whole time. It's a simple fact of life that sometimes we will all snap and treat the people close to us worse than we would treat a stranger or certainly our boss - it's by virtue of familiarity and being comfortable enough to relax!

There is a big difference in some one loosing the head and snapping "f off and leave me alone" or some thing along those lines and in being abusive.

Op you'll most likely know yourself which one it was.

If you try get through life expecting your boyfriend or girlfriend to never ever insult you, just because they wouldn't insult their CEO, you'll be regularly disappointed. People argue about the stupidest of things sometimes. Work is not life!

Neyite

racso1975 wrote: »

How do you know it's a he?

I was using the default pronoun but fair point.

However If I changed every pronoun in my post to "she" my actual advice on the matter would remain unchanged.

racso1975

How do you know it's a he?

Anyway op yeah I'd call them red flags and think is it worth the effort this early on!!

Neyite

Yes. A few months in and you start to see the real personality emerge.

A question to ask yourself is "would he talk to his CEO that way?" Of course he wouldn't. Because he'd get fired. But it's ok for him to speak to his new partner-someone who shares their life and their body with him like that? Massive red flag.

And if he is the kind to call his CEO an idiot then that points to uncontrollable anger issues, which is best avoided.

Nobody who calls you names a couple of months in is a worthy partner.