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Just found out my father is gay/bi

LegacyUser

So, heads a bit all over the shop at the minute, so please bear with me.

Parents have been married for almost 40 years, Mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer in April 2015. I'm the eldest of 3 kids, none of us are married none of us live at home either. But I moved back home for a few months last year before buying a house pretty near to my parents where I now live.

Had an idea that my father may have some gay tendancies, a lot of his friends are gay (no problem with that), he always dressed very well & young for his age (parents both 65), he goes to the gym most evenings etc. Don't want to come across as him being gay/bi as the problem, its the fact that he has basically lied to my mother - who is the best person in the world and who we are all very protective of is what I have a problem with.

Brought it up with my younger brother over the weekend & he all but confirmed that he has known that Dad is definitely bi for the last 12 years. He has seen messages on his phone (highly sexual messages which he said I didn't want to know about) & Dad has the app Grindr. He also said that the most recent message he has seen was last Christmas when me my mother & my sister were gone to Christmas mass. I've only had thoughts about this but now it has been confirmed for definite and I feel so sick.
My fathers away at the moment visiting his brother abroad so I have been staying with Mam all week & I just feel like bursting into tears.
My sister also knows, and she cannot even stand to look at him. She thinks he doesn't give a sh1t about out mother & that if he did he wouldn't be doing this behind her back. (she also does not have a problem if he is gay, but her problem is like mine - doing it behind our mothers back - our mother who is now extremely ill & undergoing extensive chemotherapy)

I've spoken to my aunty about this as feel that my mother would have brought it up with her if anyone & she acknowledged that she often had thoughts and considered following him when he goes off for the day on Saturday for "coffee with the lads" but then she decided what good would it do. My mother also asked her her thoughts on this a few months ago & they decided between them to leave it alone as Mam has enough to deal with with her cancer.

I'm just really struggling to cope/get my head around this. When I was talking to my sister about it last night, she asked did I remember a message that he sent me a few months back which I thought was accidental (it was a pic of his crotch - wearing pants). I announced it in the sitting room to my mother & my sister cos I thought he whad just sent it accidentally but now I realise that it wasn't an accident at all but that the accident was that it was sent to me instead of someone else. I'm really trying to hold it together sitting in work trying not to burst into tears. I know I'll feel better with time & that I'm still trying to process this new information but right now I don't even want to look at him.

My siblings think that I'm the best one to ask him straight out as apparently I have the best relationship with him, but he's not the easiest person to talk to.
I've been seeing a counsellor for other reasons for the last year or so & I had an appointment with her last night & am going back to her again next week.
Don't know what I want to achieve by writing all this & I'm sorry for the length of the post - its just like I said my head is basically up my a$s with this & he's due back on Friday and I really don't think I can even look at him.

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Big Bag of Chips

I think the issue that he's gay/bi shouldn't be focused on, so much as the issue that he appears to be cheating on your mother. He could be straight and cheating on her with other women, and it wouldn't make it any less upsetting.

I'm not really sure if so many people should be involved in this. You, your 2 siblings, your aunt etc. I understand your mam is unwell, but this is her marriage. I think rather than discussing it amongst yourselves and deciding who will be the one to say something, I think if anyone is to be spoken to, it should be your mam, and ask her if it's something she wants brought up.

My own marriage has had its troubles, and troubles that I wouldn't like my children involved in, or making decisions for me. I have made decisions and choices and they are mine. Others might not understand them, or might not agree with them, but it is irrelevant what other people think I should do. I'm the one living my life. Your mam might know a lot more than you think, and she might be happy in her own way to let whatever is happening, happen.

I think if you want to distance yourself from your dad, then that is your right. But you need to understand that there might be an unspoken agreement between your parents. Nobody can ever truly know what is going on in someone else's marriage.

power pants

I would imagine the wife knows . Everyone close to him has suspected and have confirmation he is gay

She will too

blue note

From what you've said, your mother probably knows too and chose not to confront it. If she chose that while healthy, I can only assume the last thing she'd want is to confront it now that she is in poor health. Out of respect for your mother I certainly wouldn't be bringing it up any time soon.

If you do choose to confront your father about his for God's sake be considerate about it. Being gay 40 years ago was completely different to being gay now. And separating was completely different too - often just not an option. He may very well have stayed married to you're mother out of love for her, for you and for your siblings. Being in grinder isn't a good thing, but I'm not sure it's the worst thing in the world either.

All of this is extremely difficult for your, I do appreciate that. And sincerely, you have my sympathy and best wishes. But however difficult, you still have responsibilities to your mother, father and siblings to handle things as well as you can. And confronting your father now sounds like the wrong choice to me.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think the issue that he's gay/bi shouldn't be focused on, so much as the issue that he appears to be cheating on your mother. He could be straight and cheating on her with other women, and it wouldn't make it any less upsetting.

I'm not really sure if so many people should be involved in this. You, your 2 siblings, your aunt etc. I understand your mam is unwell, but this is her marriage. I think rather than discussing it amongst yourselves and deciding who will be the one to say something, I think if anyone is to be spoken to, it should be your mam, and ask her if it's something she wants
I think if you want to distance yourself from your dad, then that is your right. But you need to understand that there might be an unspoken agreement between your parents. Nobody can ever truly know what is going on in someone else's marriage.

Op Here, thanks for all the responses appreciate everyone taking the time to respond.

Firstly, I never said that the fact that he may be gay/bi was a problem, however shocking that is in itself to process it is the fact that he is actively engaging in texting other men since at least last Christmas and in my opinion that is cheating. & that is something that I do not think I can forgive - believe me I would feel exactly the same if it was with another woman. Sex of the other party does not come into it.

I think that it is extremely selfish of my father to engage with these activities behind my mothers back - she is an extremely intelligent woman so of course she has a feeling that he may have these feelings but she has decided not to say anything. I think if she knew the full extent of what he is doing, it would kill her. & as she is the most important person in all of this, I do not want to involve her. She is very close to her sister & that is why I chose to say it to her and not my mother as I felt if my mother had spoken to anyone it would have been her. & my aunt confirmed that my mother had discussed the possibility of it with her recently and they decided not to say anything. Which I am glad about because I do not think my mother could cope with dealing with this news as well as her illness and ongoing treatment.

Like I said, I still do not know whether or not I will confront my father with all of this - and obviously I completely understand how hard it must have been on him to keep these feelings to himself for all these years, but that does not give him any excuse to what is, to my mind, cheating on my mother - especially when she is so ill. I just don't think I can carry on as if nothing is happening.

wiggle16

Im really sorry to hear all this, OP. Tell me if I'm missing the point but, when your siblings say you are the best one to ask him... what is it that you are going to ask? I don't see what there is to discuss?

You know he's gay. You know he is/has been sexually active with men. You know he cheated on your mother. I don't get what is left to ask and I would really take exception to your siblings putting the onus on you to confront him, especially when you have only recently found out while they have known for years. Very selfish thing for your siblings to ask of you.

I find it very hard to believe that your mother is completely in the dark when everyone else in the family has put two and two together. As others have said, she may have privately acknowledged it to herself, or they may have come to an understanding of sorts, etc. Or, perhaps, she is completely clueless about it - and if that's the case, I think it would be wrong to get involved at this point.

I just don't see the point in confronting him now about it - the last thing your mother needs right now is drama. And that's all it would cause. Your father's behaviour is incredibly selfish, and if your mother is actually in the dark about his sexuality then he has had her live a lie too; but there is nothing you can do about that now. And nothing she can do about it.

I really don't want to be insensitive, I cannot imagine what you are going through, but the truth is that if your mother is terminally ill and has been for the last few years, then there is no point in bringing this up now. It won't do any good.

- if she knows all about it, the drama surrounding a confrontation will only upset her. Everybody will have their own hurt feelings to deal with while your mother would not only be upset, but likely mortified.
- if she doesn't know/suspect anything, then finding out that her husband has been cheating on her and her marriage was a lie would destroy her, and I think it would be a very cruel thing to do to someone who is so ill and in the last stage of their life. I know you wouldn't intend that but that's what would happen.

By all means distance yourself from him if you cannot stand the thoughts of him, don't think I could either. But I don't think any good will come of confronting him now and so I don't think you should. If he is as selfish as he sounds he might not care about raising the roof and upsetting your mother if he's confronted.

Focus on your mother, and yourself. Your siblings should do the same.

Best of luck, and mind yourself xxx

LegacyUser

wiggle16 wrote: »

Im really sorry to hear all this, OP. Tell me if I'm missing the point but, when your siblings say you are the best one to ask him... what is it that you are going to ask? I don't see what there is to discuss?

You know he's gay. You know he is/has been sexually active with men. You know he cheated on your mother. I don't get what is left to ask and I would really take exception to your siblings putting the onus on you to confront him, especially when you have only recently found out while they have known for years. Very selfish thing for your siblings to ask of you.

I find it very hard to believe that your mother is completely in the dark when everyone else in the family has put two and two together. As others have said, she may have privately acknowledged it to herself, or they may have come to an understanding of sorts, etc. Or, perhaps, she is completely clueless about it - and if that's the case, I think it would be wrong to get involved at this point.

I just don't see the point in confronting him now about it - the last thing your mother needs right now is drama. And that's all it would cause. Your father's behaviour is incredibly selfish, and if your mother is actually in the dark about his sexuality then he has had her live a lie too; but there is nothing you can do about that now. And nothing she can do about it.

I really don't want to be insensitive, I cannot imagine what you are going through, but the truth is that if your mother is terminally ill and has been for the last few years, then there is no point in bringing this up now. It won't do any good.

- if she knows all about it, the drama surrounding a confrontation will only upset her. Everybody will have their own hurt feelings to deal with while your mother would not only be upset, but likely mortified.
- if she doesn't know/suspect anything, then finding out that her husband has been cheating on her and her marriage was a lie would destroy her, and I think it would be a very cruel thing to do to someone who is so ill and in the last stage of their life. I know you wouldn't intend that but that's what would happen.

By all means distance yourself from him if you cannot stand the thoughts of him, don't think I could either. But I don't think any good will come of confronting him now and so I don't think you should. If he is as selfish as he sounds he might not care about raising the roof and upsetting your mother if he's confronted.

Focus on your mother, and yourself. Your siblings should do the same.

Best of luck, and mind yourself xxx

Thanks wiggle for your kind response, this is all still very raw for me as I'm sure everyone here can appreciate that I have not only just had confirmation that my father is bi but also the fact that he is cheating on my mother.

2 things I'd like to address, I do not know for a fact that he is actively engaged in anything sexual with another man, I just know for a fact that he has engaged in "sexting" which as I've stated in my previous post is as bad as cheating on my mother & is as unforgivable in my eyes. I agree in that he is acting completely selfish

I know they do not have any agreement, as she would not have discussed it with my aunt recently and it was my mother who brought it up with my aunt and asked my aunt her thoughts on his sexuality. I completely agree that my mother should not know and if I do confront him it will be out of the house somewhere. But I am still unsure if this is the right thing to do.

All I know is that I am finding it very tough to process all of this, I am not the type of person that can carry on happy out as if there is nothing going on in the background. I'm the type of person that needs to have things out in the open, obviously the rest of my family have been able to carry on like this for years, which I do not think is healthy. But in saying that, my mother is the most important person in all of this and so I need to be conscious of her feelings and put hers before mine.

I am going back to my counsellor next week which I think will help me to further process it and help me to find a result that I can live with.

LegacyUser

Your parents sex life & sexual orientation needs to take a back seat. Forget your dad& his antics for now.
Your one & only focus should be on living your own best life, & making happy memories for your mum in her last few weeks& months.

up for anything

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you, OP. You have my sympathy but I have no advice as you need to sort your head out as to what you want. Just be very careful, it sounds to me like your father has gotten a bit careless because he'd like it to come out but hasn't the backbone to tackle it head on especially in view of your mother's illness. He probably doesn't want to seem like a bastard at this point. So maybe you knowing and confronting him is exactly what he wants whereas your mother decided to let it lie until she was better able to deal with it.

After 40 years of marriage, he owes her some peace during her treatment and recovery so you may have to grit your teeth and pretend just like her and all the others. I can imagine that by now she may well have a good idea of his sexuality and tendencies but could have absolutely no idea that he is exploring his options on dating apps and the like as well as sharing unpalatable photos. That betrayal could well take all the fight out of her so probably you should avoid doing anything that would give him an excuse to get out of the marriage just yet.

I'm sorry for you, OP. Like you I would find it very difficult to process. No one likes thinking about their parents' sexuality and while being gay or bi these days is neither here nor there, the rest is pretty sordid and maybe she didn't want to face the thought that she may always have been second best or somesuch.

nikkibikki

After 40 years of marriage, he should, in my eyes, be completely focused on your mother. Not fulfilling sexual urges with any gender. You said she's terminal and it sounds like she may not have too much longer left so she should be able to live in relative peace with no extra worries. If he didn't focus on her and was cheating on her, causing her extra worry, that would be pretty unforgivable in my eyes.

strandroad

Sexting when your spouse is terminal is a profoundly ****ty thing to do but I'm not sure if there is anything you can do OP?

If you come up some sort of ultimatum how will you be able to monitor him? He seems to be discreet about it and you only now because your brother went through his phone. You're not going to confiscate his phone or keep him indoors. And I'm not sure if you can have any credible threats seeing how you don't want to upset your mother and allow anything to blow up.

She chose not to pursue this and to be honest it might be best to do the same, for her not his sake. You can of course express your disgust to him but it might be wise to hold out on this for as long as she's around...