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Women who are "not maternal" having kids

professore

This is one I've seen a lot. Women who say they aren't maternal having kids. Why would you have kids if you're not maternal? At least for a man who isn't paternal he doesn't have to go through 9 months of pregnancy etc and often will do it for his wife's sake because she wants kids. And while dads are important despite what we like to think the mother has a huge influence on her kids, that can't be replaced. So putting them last is very damaging.

Do non maternal women do it for other people's sake? Is it pure animal desire to reproduce? Or what is the reason?

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Lorelli!

It could be any reason. Maybe they said they're not maternal and changed, maybe they were always maternal but just said that in conversation, maybe they werent in the situation were they felt they could have a child but then their circumstances changed and they reconsidered, maybe contraception failed them or they didn't use it in the moment and are now happy to continue the pregnancy, maybe they did succumb to what they felt were social pressures etc.

Malayalam

neonsofa wrote: »

This is very true. I never realised just how difficult and overwhelming parenting can be until I did it myself. I love minding kids, especially babies, but being fully responsible for a person without being able to hand them back to someone else is an entirely different thing, and some people just don't realise that until they are in it. Also, after a few years of that constant responsibility you can just become jaded. I feel the need to add that I am a loving parent despite how the above sounds :pac:

Haha yeah, it's a big ask to be a parent. What you feel is normal. I think people should really seriously think about it first - which I admit I didn't!

I had my children very young and totally got submerged in rearing them, and I truly loved the whole thing. But I could not do it again. Nuh-huh, no way, it would be impossible to contemplate. It's incredibly tiring, yes you become jaded from it. You are never done with the worrying for them (and that doesn't stop ever). You have to put them first, you are responsible for this entirely dependent human life. And I'm far, FAR, far too selfish for all that now

valoren

Time.

We men don't pay attention to it. We can have physically have children into our old age.

For women, time becomes a factor. If a woman has no maternal instincts at all she would implicitly know that if she ever wanted children then there is a limited biological window in which to do so. I've always thought that intelligence is the ability to change. So while a woman in her 20's might not feel maternal or even like children, when she eventually reaches her 30's and early 40's the menopause is encroaching and once it happens that's it. There is that biological finality, that implicit cut-off point that may sway non-maternal women to override their instinctive attitude and just get it done while having the ability to do so. Who knows? They might even change and love it after all.

Edgware

Hector Bellend wrote: »

Wheel a pram into a room full of women and see who isnt "maternal"

The vast majority will cream their undies

So that's why the chairs are sticky after my aunts visit

Bredabe

Edgware wrote: »

Abortion is still illegal

We'll see today, how much longer it will be illegal in statute too.

Cleopatra_

I never felt the remotest urge to have kids until the last year or so. I just turned 30 recently. I feel a bit broody but I have a wife who has no interest whatsoever and a body that's most likely too ill to get pregnant or carry a child and even if I had one, there's a high chance I wouldn't see it live to adulthood and there's a risk of passing on my defective genes.

Maybe that's why I have these broody feelings now, because I know it's an impossible fantasy. I definitely have those notions about what it would be like to be pregnant or to have a little baby. Though toddlers and kids just sound like a complete nightmare.

Then again I think about how I can have a lie in whenever I want, go on a date or holiday with the missus whenever, all of the freedom and lack of responsibility. No tiny person hanging off me screaming and crying and growing up to hate and resent me one day.

PlaneSpeeking

Oh I will say that should one of the lovely gay couples I'm pals with want to use the old uterus - they're welcome!

denismc

While I can understand people not wanting kids, I don't get people that say they hate children.
Children are people like everyone else, o.k they scream and shout and poop in their pants but they really can't help this.
To say you hate or dislike children suggests a lack of empathy to me, we were all kids once!

Minderbinder

Lorelli! wrote: »

It could be any reason. Maybe they said they're not maternal and changed, maybe they were always maternal but just said that in conversation, maybe they werent in the situation were they felt they could have a child but then their circumstances changed and they reconsidered, maybe contraception failed them or they didn't use it in the moment and are now happy to continue the pregnancy, maybe they did succumb to what they felt were social pressures etc.

Definitely if a couple are finding it hard to conceive, it’s a lot easier for them to say they’re not bothered about kids rather than face repeated questions about when they’re going to have a baby.

Some couples probably find it offensive to be asked when they’re going to have kids.

I don’t think that simply stating one is not maternal is necessarily proof of it though. I’ve seen some women who say they are maternal but they just don’t look like a mother in the sense that we think of it. But often the really natural mother types may not be very good at raising a child to be independent and successful adults, and rather their parental style is instinctively selfish in terms of raising the child to love its mother above all else, ensuring that the child will look after its mother in old age.

.......

denismc wrote: »

While I can understand people not wanting kids, I don't get people that say they hate children.
Children are people like everyone else, o.k they scream and shout and poop in their pants but they really can't help this.
To say you hate or dislike children suggests a lack of empathy to me, we were all kids once!

I dont like being around kids.

I will go for adult only hotels away, I try to holiday at times when children are in school and generally speaking I would avoid places where there might be a lot of kids.

Its nothing to do with empathy. I would help a lost child or an injured child or whatever. I simply prefer to holiday in peace and to be in places where Im not being disturbed by kids screaming all the time.

Bredabe

Before I got my kids I was under immense pressure to marry my partner(or not) and pop out beautiful babies(partner was Pearse Brosnan look alike) coming from a long line of business women who didn't want to be married let alone have kids forced on them, I could see it wasn't for me, far far too adventurous to have to be home for this and that or cook every single day, forced to do these things I knew I would end up as ratty and dissatisfied as my mother had been.

The names I was called and the comments made in my hearing over this topic were just unreal and possibly cruel. As the ppl saying these things didn't know if there was an underlying reason for my apparent childlessness. Like the other poster said when a baby arrives into where I am, only good manners make me stay and comment on how like granny/daddy/the dog the child is.

I occasionally have children from difficult home situations stay with me for a few weeks timetable allowing, that satisfies any maternal craving that is part of my protective streak. Lots of ppl should just get on with their lives and not be bothered about other ppls child related status.

When I work in Ireland, I dread the questions about children and the comments about how I'm going to be lonely when Im old' etc, when I work in London, most don't ask and if they do, no one comments.

Lorelli!

Minderbinder wrote: »

Definitely if a couple are finding it hard to conceive, it’s a lot easier for them to say they’re not bothered about kids rather than face repeated questions about when they’re going to have a baby.

Some couples probably find it offensive to be asked when they’re going to have kids.

I don’t think that simply stating one is not maternal is necessarily proof of it though. I’ve seen some women who say they are maternal but they just don’t look like a mother in the sense that we think of it. But often the really natural mother types may not be very good at raising a child to be independent and successful adults, and rather their parental style is instinctively selfish in terms of raising the child to love its mother above all else, ensuring that the child will look after its mother in old age.

ye like I said it could be a number of reasons but i am not dismissing that some women are not maternal and will never want or have children either and thats fine.

Best to take people at face value with what they say and if they seem to do a 180 on that, then unless there are some sort of valid concerns, there's no need to pry.

BuboBubo

When I was in my twenties I thought having children was something I would want when I got older (also thought when you get older, you'd suddenly like Irish country music, sure all the older wans do - I still loathe it!)

If people are pushing out babies because that's what society wants, that's very sad. I know kids who aren't particularly wanted - it's not nice to witness, and must be psychologically dreadful for the kids themselves.

I'm happily childfree, married, in my mid 40's, and feel I've dodged a major bullet parent-wise.

If someone presents a baby to me, I just act polite, but distant, no big "oooh it's soooo cute" act etc. I have zero interest. They equate to sh1tty nappies and hardship imo.

pickarooney

....... wrote: »

I dont like being around kids.

I will go for adult only hotels away, I try to holiday at times when children are in school and generally speaking I would avoid places where there might be a lot of kids.

Its nothing to do with empathy. I would help a lost child or an injured child or whatever. I simply prefer to holiday in peace and to be in places where Im not being disturbed by kids screaming all the time.

Yeah, exactly. That's not hating kids. People tend to say 'I hate kids' as shorthand for 'I hate mess, noise, constant interruption, the overwhelming sense of having to be on guard at all times etc.' which is perfectly normal. Very few people mean it literally, but it's a turn of phrase that we don't accept when used for other groups of people.

Except students. And lawyers.

pickarooney

Bredabe wrote: »

The names I was called and the comments made in my hearing over this topic were just unreal and possibly cruel.

For a minute I thought you'd actually been brought to trial for the crime of not wanting beautiful babies. I was thinking it was a little harsh!

Shenshen

denismc wrote: »

While I can understand people not wanting kids, I don't get people that say they hate children.
Children are people like everyone else, o.k they scream and shout and poop in their pants but they really can't help this.
To say you hate or dislike children suggests a lack of empathy to me, we were all kids once!

And we all grew out of it. Well, most of us.
I don't find it that hard to believe that people dislike the noise, mess, smell and general drain on your energy that comes with children. Some people prefer not to be around that.

I can't imagine they would mean them harm, they just don't want any interaction with them.

And to say that children are just people like adults seems to be naive at best. They're not, nor should they be, to be honest.

seamus

....... wrote: »

I dont like being around kids.

I will go for adult only hotels away, I try to holiday at times when children are in school and generally speaking I would avoid places where there might be a lot of kids.

That's not unreasonable. Most parents probably feel the same

I think the man below is talking about people who claim to "hate" kids though. The kind of people who'll roll their eyes if a family appears in their vision or will go online to rant about children in public places.

It's like people who claim to "hate" certain animals. Being afraid of them is fine, being somewhat "meh" about them is also fine. But "hate" is such a bizarre and strong feeling to have about something non-specific, like children.

denismc wrote: »

While I can understand people not wanting kids, I don't get people that say they hate children.
Children are people like everyone else, o.k they scream and shout and poop in their pants but they really can't help this.
To say you hate or dislike children suggests a lack of empathy to me, we were all kids once!

Malayalam

Bredabe wrote: »

Before I got my kids I was under immense pressure to marry my partner(or not) and pop out beautiful babies(partner was Pearse Brosnan look alike) coming from a long line of business women who didn't want to be married let alone have kids forced on them, I could see it wasn't for me, far far too adventurous to have to be home for this and that or cook every single day, forced to do these things I knew I would end up as ratty and dissatisfied as my mother had been.

The names I was called and the comments made in my hearing over this topic were just unreal and possibly cruel. As the ppl saying these things didn't know if there was an underlying reason for my apparent childlessness. Like the other poster said when a baby arrives into where I am, only good manners make me stay and comment on how like granny/daddy/the dog the child is.

I occasionally have children from difficult home situations stay with me for a few weeks timetable allowing, that satisfies any maternal craving that is part of my protective streak. Lots of ppl should just get on with their lives and not be bothered about other ppls child related status.

When I work in Ireland, I dread the questions about children and the comments about how I'm going to be lonely when Im old' etc, when I work in London, most don't ask and if they do, no one comments.

That's really mean of people to say or even think bad things about your decisions, people can be real assholes. That's horrible for you. Ignore them completely. It's amazing the crap that comes out of some people's mouths. People say horrible stuff about loads of things, though - I have been called autistic more than once as a purposeful insult to my face because I am introverted and have different interests than usual. Or weird. Or away with the fairies. Etc. Some people say mean crap, God love them, they cannot be happy in themselves - avoid those particular eegits.

LAZYIRISH

seamus wrote: »

PlaneSpeeking wrote: »

How hard is it to accept many women do not like children ?

I didn't say otherwise.

The OP questioned why a "not maternal" woman would have children. I'm simply saying that just because a woman is "not maternal", doesn't mean she doesn't want kids.

There are lots of women who are "maternal", great with kids and child-rearing comes naturally to them, who have no interest in having kids of their own.

"maternal" and "not maternal" when used to describe someone's character, is nothing to do with whether someone wants kids, and I've never heard it used that way.

My best friend is how you described she is our local Mary poppins haha mighty with kids and kids adore her ! She works in childcare also but has no desire to have any of her own . As for me I was always around young children growing up from age 11 I was minding my cousins, a 6month old and 2 year old albeit my aunt was around but she had work on the farm and at weekends I'd stay over so my uncle&aunt could go to the local &yes I did change ****ty nappies at that age too was well able !

BarryD2

Bluestone100 wrote: »

Perhaps fear of being forgotten, of being old and lonely and irrelevant.

Except that in the modern world, families are more likely to live distantly and it is quite possible that parents will be old & lonely. And we'll all certainly be irrelevant.

Edgware

Bluestone100 wrote: »

Perhaps fear of being forgotten, of being old and lonely and irrelevant.

But at least you won't have ungrateful bastards begrudging you decent care and watching every penny you spend of "their" inheritance.
Without kids you can always bribe your favourite nephew or niece

eviltwin

I have two children who I love dearly but I wouldn't call myself maternal. I have no interest in other people's children.

[Deleted User]

I am maternal but don't have children. Caring for a small baby comes naturally to me, playing with kids is something I enjoy. However I am very aware of the huge responsibility that comes with being a parent. For me it isn't something I could do without compromising my life and making huge sacrifices. Also as much as I am fond of kids they can wear me out after a time and I just want to hide. Time isn't on my side but I'm not going to become pregnant for that reason alone. Something I do find rather strange though are people who say they "hate" children. I just don't get it.

BuboBubo

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I am maternal but don't have children. Caring for a small baby comes naturally to me, playing with kids is something I enjoy. However I am very aware of the huge responsibility that comes with being a parent. For me it isn't something I could do without compromising my life and making huge sacrifices. Also as much as I am fond of kids they can wear me out after a time and I just want to hide. Time isn't on my side but I'm not going to become pregnant for that reason alone. Something I do find rather strange though are people who say they "hate" children. I just don't get it.

Some people don't necessarily "hate" children, I don't anyway. But I hate shrieking, sticky hands, sh1tty nappies, Peppa pig, and all other associated baby crap, and think babies aren't particularly nice looking either, as baby mammals go, humans aren't good looking.

It more hating being in it's presence than the actual baby itself.

But I do believe (and I see this a lot) that parents tend to be critical rather than supportive of each other, that's a pity imo.

ceadaoin.

eviltwin wrote: »

I have two children who I love dearly but I wouldn't call myself maternal. I have no interest in other people's children.

This. I wouldn't have described myself as maternal. Turns out I am though when it's my own child.

Just because a woman isn't constantly cooing over children or volunteering to babysit doesn't mean she isnt a good mother.

Malayalam

BuboBubo wrote: »

I.... think babies aren't particularly nice looking either, as baby mammals go, humans aren't good looking.
.

Hahaha how can you say this, show this woman the door!

They are designed to be adorable. Look at their pudgy bellies and bums and double chins, and their tiny fingers and wide opening mouths that make them look like muppets. Their huge eyes! Come on, they ARE nice looking.

Cleopatra_

Malayalam wrote: »

Hahaha how can you say this, show this woman the door! They are designed to be adorable. Look at their pudgy bellies and bums and double chins, and their tiny fingers and wide opening mouths that make them look like muppets. Their huge eyes! Come on, they ARE nice looking.

Babies look like Churchill, it's not exactly cute compared to a little kitten or a little puppy

.......

Malayalam wrote: »

Hahaha how can you say this, show this woman the door! They are designed to be adorable. Look at their pudgy bellies and bums and double chins, and their tiny fingers and wide opening mouths that make them look like muppets. Their huge eyes! Come on, they ARE nice looking.

You see - this is a good example of what someone who is maternal might see.

I just see a noisy wrinkly thing.

Malayalam

Cleopatra_ wrote: »

Babies look like Churchill, it's not exactly cute compared to a little kitten or a little puppy

Noooooo, even the ones who look ugly are cute ugly.

Though I just did see an insanely cute baby squirrel on the lane and.... hmmmmm...

WAW

It's perfectly compatible to be non maternal and to be good to your kids. It isn't a given that non maternal mothers are horrible to (their) kids. It may be harder and you might have to work at it but you can still do a good job.
A lot has to do with oxytocin release!
But it is good that childless by choice is accepted now.