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Canceling plans

LegacyUser

Hi all I just need an outside perspective on something. Friends with a guy for two years, dating for 5 months. His birthday is coming up and we had discussed going away for it, he didn’t want to go on his actual birthday (Friday) because he’s going out with his friends so I’ve booked the hotel, dinner etc for the Saturday night. So now he texts that his parents mentioned they might want to go for a birthday drink with him so he told me to cancel everything that we might do dinner or something the Sunday night. I said straight out that I was disappointed and annoyed about canceling and was told his parents come first no matter what and plans with them over ride any plans with me. Am I unreasonable for being upset?

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wiggle16

Not trying to upset you OP... but he cancelled a night away with you (and all that that entails, hint hint) to go for a drink... with his parents?

Nah.

There's something more to it than simply putting them first. I'd want to know what it is if I were you.

jen70

Hope your ok op! Very poor way to treat someone, he sounds very selfish and immature! Take care

wiggle16

Perspective needed wrote: »

Well he dumped me by text while I was at work

I did not see this!

Sorry to hear that OP. Over text as well, FFS.

iamwhoiam

OP . Sorry this is happening you but you got a lucky break . Run a mile from this toxic manipulation

rainbowtrout

Perspective needed wrote: »

Thanks for your reply, the marriage and dog conversations were initiated by him, I’m moving into a new place in 2 weeks and he had started referring to a lot stuff for there as ours. To be honest he’s 35 years old I expected him to have enough empathy to realise that I would be put out with him for changing our plans. But to him I was totally in the wrong, I ended up apologizing to him. At the end of the day it’s for nothing as he ended it by text while I was at work. Part of me wonders and hopes it was a knee jerk reaction to this whole situation and that there’s hope we can work it out. I don’t know if he planned to do it as just last night we were discussing holiday plans and this morning he asked to put stuff on my credit card which I did

Why would you want to work it out with someone who treats you so poorly?

whiskeyman

Perspective needed wrote: »

Well he dumped me by text while I was at work

Unreal!!
You had a lucky escape and just as well it didnt last longer.
You sound so kind and thoughtful organising the night away.
You deserve so much better.
Hope you're ok x

Flippyfloppy

Most subscriptions would have a 14 day cooling off period, I would definitely cancel,

rainbowtrout

Perspective needed wrote: »

It was an online subscription, I paid upfront so and it’s been activated can’t cancel. I might try and log in and see can I change the password. I just want to talk things through with him, I can’t understand how things changed so quickly, but he won’t answer the phobe

Change the password if you can and cancel the subscription if you can. Obviously you are ringing him if he won't answer the phone. Don't grovel, he's not worth it. He's dumped you by text which isn't nice anyway, and he's conned you out of what is presumably an annual subscription, because if it was monthly you would be able to cancel, and perhaps only lose the first month.

It is hard but look at the facts, he cancelled a night away with you that was booked and planned on a flimsy excuse that he 'might' be going for a drink with his parents, but he 'might' meet you on the sunday instead. He weaseled his way out of that last night with you with talk of holiday plans, and sweetened you up enough to pay for a subscription for him, subscription would no doubt suggest that he was sticking around with you, but the benefit to him was to squeeze some money out of you for the last time..... and dumps you today by text and won't answer his phone. Forget him OP, you deserve better.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, where is your self-respect? Are you really so desperate to be with him that you're willing to become a doormat?

He has shown you repeatedly how little he really thinks of you. Firstly, he decided that he wanted to celebrate his birthday with his friends rather than you. Depending on one's point of view, that is or isn't a red flag.

Then, after knowing that you're going for a night away in a hotel etc. he throws it all back in your face because he wants to go for a birthday drink with his parents.

Then he dumps his girlfriend of 5 months by text. That's a sh*tty, cowardly way to end a relationship and you should treat it with the contempt it deserves.

He is telling you through his deeds that he thinks very little of you. He can say all sorts of sweet words because talk is cheap. When it came to actions, he fell sadly short. He has told you who he is. DO NOT even think about trying to get back with him. If he was any way decent at all he would not have treated you like this. And of course, if you are stupid enough to get back with him you'll be so afraid to put a foot wrong you'll turn into an utter doormat. Stay broken up and cancel that subscription.

buried

I know it doesn't seem like it now OP, but in a few months time you be glad this happened. This article is serious bad news, not being straight with you whatsoever, lame excuses, probable lies, by my reckoning a complete and total gaslighting waster. Do not contact this person. Take the advantage and clean break it. It will be hard at first, these sorts of articles are devious head wreckers, but do not allow your head to be wrecked by them any further. Look after yourself OP, you sound like a really decent straight up person, the likes of this prat doesn't deserve you making any more time for them, not even a second. Run like the wind away from this yoke

Purple Mountain

The bit I can't get over is that the two of you were friends for 2 years before this!
That adds insult to injury that not only would he treat a girlfriend like that but a friend too.
Do not ring this muppet.
Cancel the subscription, then cancel him from all forms of contact.
Seriously.

LegacyUser

Thank you again for all your replies, I text him earlier that if he cared about me at all that he’d explain to me what was going on in his head and what had changed. He read it 2 hours ago and no reply. I know it may seem like I’m s doormat but I need answers, we’ve been friends for two years before this, we’ve been there for each other in good times and bad, both single and in relationships and that’s why it hurts so badly. I never thought he would treat me like this:(

Sardonicat

Perspective needed wrote: »

Thank you again for all your replies, I text him earlier that if he cared about me at all that he’d explain to me what was going on in his head and what had changed. He read it 2 hours ago and no reply. I know it may seem like I’m s doormat but I need answers, we’ve been friends for two years before this, we’ve been there for each other in good times and bad, both single and in relationships and that’s why it hurts so badly. I never thought he would treat me like this:(

OP you've got your answer: screw you for money then dump you by text. Your answer is that he doesnt think you are worthy of respect. Take a closer look at your relationship; I bet this isn't truly out of character. Did he build you up and knock you back a lot? Have you questioning yourself and second guessing how to be around him? Has he been subtly working on you for a while? Be honest with yourself and don't view your relationship through rose tinted glasses.

STOP contacting him. When you cancel the subscription/ change the log in details of the service he conned you into paying for you'll hear from him quick enough except you must not respond.

I think you should consider counselling to examine why you would actively pursue someone who has such palpable disrespect for you. I'm guessing this guy has done a number on you.

Please block him and seek support from friends and a professional.

rainbowtrout

Perspective needed wrote: »

Thank you again for all your replies, I text him earlier that if he cared about me at all that he’d explain to me what was going on in his head and what had changed. He read it 2 hours ago and no reply. I know it may seem like I’m s doormat but I need answers, we’ve been friends for two years before this, we’ve been there for each other in good times and bad, both single and in relationships and that’s why it hurts so badly. I never thought he would treat me like this:(

Life is not a Hollywood movie where the guy will come to his senses and call round and be civil and explain why it's not working, and then walk away and realise he's made a mistake and coming running back with an apology.

Sometimes you don't get answers. He's actually given you an answer. He has told you through his actions that he doesn't respect you. He dumped you in a cowardly way and is now ignoring you. And your string of calls and texts is only telling him that he could continue to treat you that way if he wanted because you would take him back once he gave you any throwaway excuse.

he has canceled plans a couple of times over the past few months but nothing like this

You posted this in one of your follow up posts earlier today. The pattern may have already been there, you just didn't see it, until a plan (the night away) with bigger repercussions was cancelled.

hobie21

He probably does not want to go away for 'his' birthday. Was it your idea? Did he just go along with your idea to try and keep you happy.

LegacyUser

hobie21 wrote: »

He probably does not want to go away for 'his' birthday. Was it your idea? Did he just go along with your idea to try and keep you happy.

The original plan was for us to spend the weekend in my new place however there’s been a delay and I can’t move in until 2 weeks later than originally planned. I initially suggested the night away and he seemed delighted and suggested where he’d like to go

Ursus Horribilis

Ah yes, answers... I'd bet the farm that you're never going to get anything remotely like an honest answer from him. If he replies at all, either he'll give you some sort of wishy washy claptrap or he'll say very hurtful things to you in the hope that you go away.

It looks like he wasn't as invested in the relationship as you were. That's the only answer you need, I'm afraid. Sometimes relationships break up in a messy fashion and this looks like one of them. In an ideal world he would have come to you and said he wasn't feeling it and that he wanted to end it. The reality seems to be that he was too cowardly to tell you out straight and instead settled for the "I hope she gets the hint and goes away" approach. I'm sorry this went tits up on you, especially as he had been your friend before this. But you've got to keep some dignity here and don't come grovelling to him. You'll be glad you didn't do so in a few months time

leggo

A stab in the dark...but is this guy a drinker by any chance OP? As soon as I read the parents line, it stank of BS to be honest. And this behaviour is a classic sign of how drinkers can treat their partners: behaving like children despite being fully grown adults, incapable of having an adult relationship with their priorities straight, charming and full of promises, but then the second a chance to drink comes along they drop everything for that (yes including relationships because they make them accountable and they hate that, and dumping is a classic manipulative move because it’s so shocking that when they come back you don’t ask too many awkward questions they don’t want to answer), damn the consequences. I’d question if the parents line is even true or if he just saw an opportunity to binge with the lads. I could be wrong it just has all the hallmarks.

Either way, you’re well rid. If you settle for less OP, you’ll always get it. You deserve better but you have to believe that or people will try treat you worse. He may come back when this blows over saying everything you want to hear, but that’s manipulation too. Take this as a gift and use the weekend away (if it’s impossible to get a refund) to head by yourself or with a mate and get your head clear after having to put up with this treatment.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

A stab in the dark...but is this guy a drinker by any chance OP? As soon as I read the parents line, it stank of BS to be honest..

he is a bit of a drinker and would go for a few pints a couple of nights a week, it never seemed like a major issue.He did go on a binge last Saturday night and was so hungover he didn’t leave the house until Monday evening which meant our plans for the bank holiday were canceled. Looking back he’s been very down and a bit cool since then. He has text this morning and is just cold and detached, said his mind is made up, doesn’t want to talk things through

leggo

We may have hit the nail on the head there so. Often drinkers are very used to themselves and are quite good at covering their tracks so new partners can feel like they're being crazy or paranoid. A 35-year old man going on a two-day binge then having to cancel their plans with a partner as a result isn't a good sign. Normal people of that age can just have a few pints with their mates and don't have to let everyone else down because they don't completely submit their lives to alcohol.

Trust me, OP, you may have dodged a bullet here. Even if your emotions take a while to catch up, do yourself a favour and put as much distance between yourself and this guy as possible (i.e. block him on all mediums) now so, if he does want to come back cap in hand, you don't have to deal with years of this behaviour and treatment. Don't end up having this confirmed to you when it's too late and you wind up pregnant or having bought a house with them and it's too late. The warning signs are there, I was even able to see them from your OP.

iamwhoiam

OP . Much as we all want answers its is not always handed to us on a plate . He is being an arse now and has tucked himself under his duvet and doesn't want to face you to explain . His approach was immature and selfish and shades of that were already in your OP . I must say when I first read it I thought he was very young and shocked to read he is 35 .
Please now let it go , no more texts , no contact and no regrets . You dodged a bullet as he exposed his character early and not when it was too late.
You deserve better and there are much better men out there .
Some women like to put men down but I can tell you I am surrounded in my family and friends by good respectful kind men
You deserve to meet one .

LegacyUser

Thank you all again for your replies. I canceled the subscription, I had to pay for a month but it will be cut off after that. He had asked for an expensive birthday present (over €150 plus I was paying for the hotel and dinner and had already got him some smaller gifts) which I had to pre order from amazon, I’ve put in a cancellation request for that too. I spent a lot of time thinking last night, and am beginning to recognize some red flags that I turned a blind eye to at the time. I’m still disappointed and hurting because of the way things turned out

zapper55

I'm glad you are thinking like that. Him asking for an expensive present 5 months in (or any time) is really cheeky.

rainbowtrout

Perspective needed wrote: »

Thank you all again for your replies. I canceled the subscription, I had to pay for a month but it will be cut off after that. He had asked for an expensive birthday present (over €150 plus I was paying for the hotel and dinner and had already got him some smaller gifts) which I had to pre order from amazon, I’ve put in a cancellation request for that too. I spent a lot of time thinking last night, and am beginning to recognize some red flags that I turned a blind eye to at the time. I’m still disappointed and hurting because of the way things turned out

Well done, it's great that you were able to cancel and are not too much out of pocket. Better learn this now than later. Bit cheeky of him to ask for an expensive birthday present when you had got him so much already.

Batgurl

I’m sure you don’t want to hear this OP but his behaviour on and after the bank holiday weekend (if out of character) sounds like something may have happened that night that is making him want to stick his head in the sand.

Were you out with him? Do you know what he got up to or who he was out with?

Breaking up with you and ignoring you seems like the easier option than telling you something happened and the conflict and drama that will entail after that.

TheBlock

Perspective needed wrote: »

Thank you all again for your replies. I canceled the subscription, I had to pay for a month but it will be cut off after that. He had asked for an expensive birthday present (over €150 plus I was paying for the hotel and dinner and had already got him some smaller gifts) which I had to pre order from amazon, I’ve put in a cancellation request for that too. I spent a lot of time thinking last night, and am beginning to recognize some red flags that I turned a blind eye to at the time. I’m still disappointed and hurting because of the way things turned out

Dodged a bullet alright. Sounds like a very self centered individual. I'd be avoiding at all costs.

milli milli

OP I am happy that you are taking the advice in this thread and seeing this man for what he is.
So many people post here looking for advice and after respondents say their partner is a loser, they turn a blind eye and put up with/take back the partner and ultimately are on here again a few months later looking for more advice (that they may/may not take!)

Of course you are going to be upset and allow yourself to be. You thought better of this person and they let you down big time. To be honest I wasn’t surprised when he sent the break-up text. He was behaving like someone who was acting the dick to get their partner to break up with them, i.e. a spineless coward who didn’t respect you enough to have a grownup (albeit uncomfortable) conversation. He’s 35 but not emotionally mature.
A quote I like is ‘Cry as hard as you want to but remember when you stop crying, never cry for the same reason again.’

I think this will make you wiser (you’re already seeing it). Look after yourself and don’t tolerate this behaviour from anyone else. Take care.

LegacyUser

Again thank you all for your replies, it’s given me both support and food for thought. Batgurl made a point about the bank holiday weekend and his drinking binge, the honest answer is he text me he was going to watch the match in the pub but ended up drinking heavily for 6 hours. That night marked a change in behavior from him totally. To be honest I don’t know who he was with. Right or wrong I spoke to him on my lunch break, I needed for my own sake to see what changed from saying he wanted to start building a life together to ending things., he maintains nothing happened that Saturday night but admits his mood has hit rock bottom since that night. As I said in the op we’ve been friends for two years before we started seeing each other, and he has had down spells, I think depression a couple of times. Ive asked him to speak to his doctor and a counselor and he’s agreed, I cannot see us getting back together but I don’t like to think of him in pain

Ghekko

He's not your problem now. He needs to take responsibility for his own mental health if he's claiming he's depressed. If I were you I would cut contact as he will continue to play mind games with you, leaving you feeling bewildered, guilty, annoyed, and every emotion in between. You really do not need to be in any sort of relationship with someone who drinks to the point of having a 2 day hangover and cancels your plans on a whim. Don't get sucked back in - block him for now and think about your own future.

LegacyUser

I’m struggling today, can’t help thinking of last week when we were happily making plans for our future. I feel like the rug had been pulled from under me completely, I can’t understand how the person who was one of my best friends could treat me like this