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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

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byrner88

To the guy who stole my antidepressants......

I hope your happy now!!

blade1

byrner88 wrote: »

To the guy who stole my antidepressants......

I hope your happy now!!

Where did I see that one before?
Oh yeah, 2 posts above yours! :P

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I've been dating a homeless woman lately. It's starting to get serious she asked me to move out with her.

My girlfriend has her own taser she's a real Stunner.

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

My wife accused me of been a transvestite so I packed her things and left.

I took viagira for my sunburn it doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

Bob Harris

Why do people keep talking about the paypal visit in August? Don't they already have offices in Dublin?

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Police came accross two boys in the park one was drinking barrery acid and the second was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.

Met a Dutch girl the other night she was wearing inflatable shoes. The next day I tried phoning her for a date but she had popped her clogs.

New Home

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I was driving to work this morning and I wasn't paying attention to the car in front of me and crashed in to the back of it. The driver got out he was a dwarf he said I'm not happy I asked which one are you then?

thesandeman

natashaob6 wrote: »

My wife accused me of been a transvestite so I packed her things and left.

I took viagira for my sunburn it doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

You're revealing a lot about yourself in that post "NATASHA"!!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Is your name Richard I've been looking for a Dick all day.

I have amnesia do I come here often.

Do you sleep on your stomach? If not can I.

byrner88

Chat up line:
The reason I'm looking at your tits is because i'm too shy to look at your eyes

chewed

I got very stressed running my small camp site.Â

It was two tents

AllForIt

What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful is against the law and illegal is a sick bird.

Paddy Cow

AllForIt wrote: »

What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful is against the law and illegal is a sick bird.

Black's Law Dictionary defines unlawful as "not authorized by law, illegal." Illegal is defined as "forbidden by law, unlawful." Semantically, there is a slight difference. It seems that something illegal is expressly proscribed by statute, and something unlawful is just not expressly authorized.

It had to be done

Now we're all a bit wiser :pac:

byrner88

Sinead O'Connor is to sing at Barry Chuckles funeral
"Nothing compares to me to you"

Bob Harris

byrner88 wrote: »

Sinead O'Connor is to sing at Barry Chuckles funeral
"Nothing compares to me to you"

...followed by a rendition of Joe Cocker's 'you are so beautiful to me to you'

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Mom how come I didn't get my period? I'm 19 and Janet got hers at 13. Mom listen Brian you'll never get a period.

blueser

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her a**e in it!"

milltown

Paddy tells his wife "my bumhole is really burning, I've no idea what's wrong"
"Ring sting" his wife says.
Paddy replies "how the **** will he know?"

Capt'n Midnight

Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?

Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine.......Ayr Town Centre....

Try_harder

Why did the mansplainer drown in the puddle? It was a well, actually.

the_pen_turner

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

MikeyTaylor

Bob Harris wrote: »

...followed by a rendition of Joe Cocker's 'you are so beautiful to me to you'

And then a rendition of "Just Be Good to Me to You" by the SOS Band.

milltown

the_pen_turner wrote: »

A teenage boy was delivering papers...

Reminded me of this one:

The paper boy was calling around the houses collecting the money for the weeks papers. He called in to Mrs.Jones to collect the tenner due. Mrs.Jones proceeded to tell him how Mr.Jones had walked out on her and left her with no money, but maybe they could come to some other arrangement?
Being a paper boy of the world, he wasn't one to let an opportunity pass, so he accepted the invitation into the house.
Mrs.Jones lay down on the hall carpet, raised her skirt and pulled down her Brenda Frickers and beckoned him over. He kicked off his shoes and dropped his jeans and jocks, revealing the longest mickey Mrs.Jones had ever clapped eyes on. Her eyes lit up, but then he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a handful of washers and started putting them on his willy, sliding each one down to the base until half of it was covered.

"There's no need to do that" she says, "I can take it all"

He replies "not for a poxy tenner you can't!"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A boy asks his dad why is my sister called Paris? The father replies because she was concived in Paris. The boy says thanks dad and his dad replies your welcome backseat.

My girlfriend told me she is going to leave me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said to her please don't go I can change.

TheBody

The other night I saw a couple weaving all over the road. I said “Honestly, get a loom”.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Son asks his dad what is an alcoholic? Well son do you see those four trees there well an alcoholic would see eight trees. The son days but dad there are only two trees.

Did you hear about the new movie constipation? It hasn't come out yet.

[Deleted User]

I've just thought of this. Interested if anyone can find similar on the google machine. Otherwise, I might have just developed my very own joke. Or alternative Otherwise, my sub-conscious is working over-time this evening. Whether it's funny or not is another thing.

I received a letter from the Spanish Inquisition the other day. They said they'd be arriving at 3.30pm on Saturday 11th August 2018.

I wasn't expecting that...

Try_harder

Deleted User wrote: »

I've just thought of this. Interested if anyone can find similar on the google machine. Otherwise, I might have just developed my very own joke. Or alternative Otherwise, my sub-conscious is working over-time this evening. Whether it's funny or not is another thing.

I received a letter from the Spanish Inquisition the other day. They said they'd be arriving at 3.30pm on Saturday 11th August 2018.

I wasn't expecting that...

The spanish inquisition did inform people in advance*

*QI

New Home

They still didn't expect it, though. :pac: